02x10 - The Wedding Squanchers

The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.

Jerry, get a job.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry?

You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job.

[ Sighs ]

Delivery for Rick.

Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry.

Gross. What is that thing?

It's a courier flap.

It's like the intergalactic version of u.P.S., but less off-putting.

Oh, shiiit!

It looks like an egg-vite from birdperson.

Must be time for his annual Oscar party.

And, by the way, our TV signals take light years to reach his planet.

Nobody tell him that "braveheart" wins.

[ Music plays ]

Greetings. This is birdperson.

And Tammy!

Inviting you to planet squanch for our mate-melding ceremony... blugh! [ Muffled ] If you're from earth, that means we're getting married!

Oh, my God!

My friend Tammy's marrying birdperson!

What the hell is a birdperson?

He's Rick's best friend.

Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Morty.

Would you like to rsvp or send a gift?

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, [burps] I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Affirmative! Returning to sender.

No, hold on, stay, courier flaps.

Staying!

Dad, you have a friend that's getting married.

That's a big deal.

It's a big deal he has a friend.

What do you know about friendship, Jerry?

Confirmed, shipping Jerry.

[ Muffled ] Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!

Oh, God! Jerry!

Dad! Dad!

Where is it taking him?

I assume planet squanch...

6,000 light years across the galaxy.

Whoa, t-that's... that's insane!

Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

[ Upbeat music playing]

[ Bottles rattling ]

Rick Sanchez!

You psycho bag of squanch!

Hey, what's up, squanchy?

Summer and Morty: Hey, squanchy.

Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth.

Mwah! Ensquanche!

You're language has the word "squanch" in it a lot.

Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the smurf thing?

Beth, squanchy culture is more contextual than literal.

You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.

Oh. Okay.

I squanch my family.

Uh... What, I do.

I squanch my family.

Stop saying it. Gross.

Come on in, guys.

The guest are having cocksquanches.

[ Groaning ]

[ Gasps ]

Where am I?!

You're at a wedding.

Go change.

♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪
♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪
♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪
♪ jazz space phone, alien dial is my friend ♪
♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪

[ Crying ]

♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing ♪

[ both squealing ]

Oh, you made it!

I wouldn't it for the world!

Oh, my God. I love your ring.

Thanks. It was birdperson's grandmother's.

She fought a squirrel for it.

Birdperson.

Rick, I am pleased you and your family could witness my melding with Tammy.

Our pleasure.

Yeah, I just hope you got a pre-meld.

Rick! What?!

It's just a practical way of making sure that when she's done with you, you can get one of your balls back.

Jesus, dad.

He's just grumpy from the flight.

Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight.

I'm grumpy from the landing.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I looked at the guest book.

We don't know a damn person here.

Hi! Jerry Smith... father of the bride's friend.

Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between...

Jerry, stop networking. We're in space.

"Jerry, get a job! Jerry, don't look for a job at an alien wedding!"

I don't get you.

This is the closest I've ever gotten to this part of my father's life.

I don't want to blow it.

Okay, I get it. I'm cramping your style.

You say you get it, but I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

Look, here's some humans you can practice on.

You must be Summer's mom and dad.

We're Tammy's parents... pat and Donna guterman.

Hi. Beth.

This is Jerry.

So you're teenage daughter's marrying a birdman.

Are you guys down with that?

[ Chuckles ] No pun intended.

We're quite proud.

He's a wonderful person and an incredible bird.

Still, what is he, 40? [ Chuckles ]

It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child.

When he was her age, she wasn't born.

When he was, let's see, like, 18, she was literally in there in your womb.

Imagine being pregnant with your daughter and a bird teenager comes into your home and says, "I'll take that. I'll have s*x with that."

[ Both chuckle ]

Give us one second.

Oof! Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

I was transported here against my will in a meatball, all right?

So take your attitude to the men's section of kmart 'cause you need to cut me some slack... S.

I want you to stand in the corner and face the corner and talk to nobody.

Maybe... I... Will.

You know, you're not being very supportive of birdperson on his big day.

Birdperson's big day, Morty, was at blood Ridge on glapflap's third moon against the gromflamites!

This? This is a losing battle.

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying.

He's getting married!

I mean, what do you think's gonna happen if you open yourself up a little bit?

I mean, look around.

This is your family and friends all around you, you know?

Take the day off.

There's nothing to run from, nothing to fight.

[ Whistles ] That's his last name.

Are you hyphenating it?

Squanch this, mo-fo.

[ Both laugh ]

Good one, Morty.

Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about and a lot of vodka.

Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka.

Then I'll take one of those.

I don't need the rest.

God, whatever, Rick.

Oh, it sounds like you and my dad have a long history together.

Wish I could say the same.

The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

Must be nice.

Um, I used to have to draw him into family photos with a crayon.

The war in which we fought is far from over.

We live our lives in hiding.

I guess I should be happy for you.

I mean, great, you guys got to hang out.

I hope you had a blast.

The galactic government considers us terrorists.

It's unwise of me to share these details, but I've become inebriated.

I don't know if you can appreciate what it means to grow up without a father, but... the guest list at this wedding includes 17 of the federation's most wanted.

We have committed numerous atrocities in the name of freedom.

Annnd during that time, I don't suppose he ever mentioned his daughter.

Are those baby quiches?

Night crawler pate.

I should prepare for the ceremony.

Like talking to a brick wall.

[ Squawking ]

In the name of the squanch, the six rivers, the four squanches, and the nine balls, I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch!

Tammy, you may squanch your vows now.

Birdperson... [ Inhales sharply ]

You are my seed, my worm, my earliness, and my lack of cats.

I promise to be yours until your death.

Nice!

All: Aww!

Birdperson.

Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you, but there is still time.

I am yours until my death.

All: Aww!

[ Burping ] Aww.

I now pronounce you squanch and birdperson!

[ Cheers and applause and profane kissing ]

♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪

[ children laughing ]

[ Monotone ] I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer. Just act natural.

This is a candid shot.

I don't require a camera so... sorry.

Hi. I am not staring at you.

[ Screams ]

[ Clinking ]

Uh, hi, everybody.

I'm ri[Burps]ck.

You know, when I first met birdperson, he was, uhh...

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the Universe because I'm the smartest.

And being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage.

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself what are the odds this is legit and not just some big lie we're all telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die... alone.

Oh, boy. Oh, dad.

Jesus.

But... but... Here's the thing.

Birdperson is my best friend, and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too.

[ Cheers and applause ]

To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet... opening myself up to others.

Summer: Hear, hear! Cheers!

Cheers to that, mother[Bleep]

Thank you, Rick.

That was beautiful.

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior from the planet earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old birdperson? Like, what?!"

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, Tammy!

But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I'm not a high-school senior from the planet earth.

In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

[ All murmur ]

Oh, sh1t.

I...Don't get the metaphor.

I'll explain it to you later.

Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the federation.

L'Chaim!

Tammy, what are you doing?

Sit your bird ass down.

Tammy?

[ Cawing weakly ]

Birdperson!!

No!!

[ Screaming ]

Holy...

[ beep ] Drop the portal gun.

Slide it to the center of the room.

[ Beeping ]

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it.

They'll want it at...

[ whooshing ]

[ High-pitched ringing and muffled background ]

[ Sighs, roars ]

There's no time to squanch!

Get your family out of here!

I got this.

[ Gulps ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Deep voice ] How about a taste of my squanch?!

[ Growling ]

Come on, this way!

Squanch this!

[ Engine turns over ]

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

That's a confetti gun, you [Bleep] idiot!

Beth: Dad! Hold on tight!

Aaah!!

Aaaah!!

[ Sirens wailing ]

God damn it! God damn it!!

What the hell happened back there?!

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government?

All the important points seem pretty clear, no?

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

How could you be so dishonest with this family?

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

Hey, Tammy was cool!

And now we know why. Because of you!

[Bleep] You, Summer, and [Bleep] the government, and [Bleep] me for letting my guard down, which I will never do again.

Geez, Rick!

You can't say f... "'f' you" to your granddaughter.

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. [Bleep] You.

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

The reception got out of hand.

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Yeah, about going home, we can't... ever.

All: What?!

Oh, these guys are looking for us now.

Earth will be swarming with them.

Us?!

Jerry... I want to go home!

Look, anyone that wants to go back to earth is free to go back to earth.

But here's what's gonna happen.

Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of [Burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe.

So who's homesick? By applause.

[ Sobbing ] Ladies? Anybody?

What are we going to do?

Where are we going to live?

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise.

[Bleep] Earth.

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

We'll find a new world.

Computer, how many planets in the milky way are at least 90% similar to earth?

[ Beeping ]

Woman: 765 known planets.

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

[ Beeping ] Three.

See? Our cup runneth over.

Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new mother[Bleep] world?!

All right!

Look at this baby!

Would you even know that wasn't earth?

Morty: Yes, because there's no Africa.

Pssh. White-people problems, Morty.

Let's go down and check her out.

[ Thud, water splashing ]

Oh. I thought it was further away.

I uh... I guess this one's a little small.

All right, uh, maybe... maybe we should go check out the other two, huh?

Okay, this one's bigger.

This looks nice.

Mom, dad, look!

Strawberries on a cob!

[ Munching ]

Whoa! Hey, check this out!

Flowers on a cob! [ Laughs ]

Huh. Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh?

That's pretty cool.

Are those... Mountains on a cob?

[ Birds cawing ]

Rick: Oh, my God.

Get in the ship, sweetie. What?

Get in the god[Bleep] ship!!

Everything's on a cob!!

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Burps ] All right, third time's the charm.

See what we got here.

Seems good.

And nothing on the cob.

Didn't know that was a necessity, but...

No, it's nice. I think this might be it.

Wow! Hey, look, you guys.

The sun's rising.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet?

Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

[ Screaming continues ]

42 hours.

All right, well, those are the two choices 'cause cob planet is off the table.

Now let's take a vote.

Man: Well, it's official.

The obscure planet known as earth, formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has just become the 6,048th planet to join the galactic federation.

The plucky little ball of water and dirt, which is where it gets its name, is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.

Spaghetti, kangaroos?

I've got to check this place out.

[ Both laugh ]

Well, you can.

Contact the ministry of tourism for details.

Up next, teenagers are calling it

[ growls and squeals]

And it's not what you think.

What are you... what did you do that for?

Dramatic effect.

Good morning, family.

Oh, do I smell bacon?

Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig off the coast of new Australia about 30 yards east. Or 300 yards west.

We'd offer you some, but we hunted it to extinction for breakfast.

Well, I thought I'd walk to the South pole and do a little bit of exploring.

If you guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard that it goes around the world and hits me.

[ Door shuts ] Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back.

You know, it's a small world.

Please, he's in the South pole!

And we need to have a serious conversation.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Wind howling ]

South pole discovered, baby!

Ohhhh!

Oh [Bleep] an ice cave?

[Bleep]

Things just keep on getting better.

Wow, it's the planet's core.

I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not.

So, yes, if we went back to earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us.

But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

There already is no more bacon!

This world sucks!

Our life sucks!

Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

Morty: That's not the point, dad!

We love Rick... F-for the most part.

Summer: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, dad, you love them unconditionally.

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

All: Yes. Why?!

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

Hey. Uh...

I was gonna hope over to the gloppydrop system, get some ice cream.

You... you want me to come with?

I mean, don't you need my brain waves for camouflage or something?

I'll be okay.

Bye, Morty.

Rick?

You're not leaving, right?

Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

So, you're coming back?

Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream and then you don't come back, you haven't actually gotten ice cream, you've just gone where ice cream is.

Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break mom's heart.

And I won't forgive you for that.

Where's the van, Morty?

It's over the horizon in the driveway.

[ Engine turns over ]

♪ I hurt myself today ♪

[ dialing ]

[ Woman speaking gibberish ]

For English, press 2.

[ Beep] Connecting to agent.

Woman: Ongoing investigations.

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet earth.

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal.

Hold on! [ Ringing ]

This is special agent gribbles.

You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?

Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on dwarf terrace-9.

He said he was gonna go to the plimplom tavern.

And listen. Yes?

I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to earth, can my family have a normal life?

We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.

Nice. Thank you.

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty [bleep] And licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

Uh... Okay.

♪ What have I become ♪
♪ my sweetest friend ♪
♪ everyone I know ♪
♪ goes away in the end ♪
♪ you could have it all ♪

He's not coming back, is he?

No.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

Hey, look, cops.

♪ I will you down ♪

Good morning.

♪ I will make you hurt ♪

How long will you be visiting earth?

Oh, we live here.

We were just off-planet for a wedding.

Go that way.

[ Tires screech, beeping ]

I have processed that you are in in distress and have proscribed antidepressants.

Compliments of the galactic federation.

I feel better.

Your debt is 7,000 fed credits.

Report to the ministry of employment and you will be assigned a function.

Honey! I got a job!

♪ You could have it all ♪

[ monotone ] Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

♪ My empire of dirt ♪
♪ I will let you down ♪
♪ I will make you hurt ♪

Hey, what are you in for?

Everything.

Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger.

Oh, boy, oh, my!

That's a real crazy ending, huh?

Hi, I'm Mr. poopybutthole from episode 204.

[ Groans ] As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth.

Remember that one? Ooh-whee!

[ Meowing ]

Come and get it, kitty.

You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.

[ Gulping ]

Ooh-whee.

Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.

Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh?

Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay?

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro.

Your total is $12.37.

Whoo-whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail?

Whoo-whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

Hey, what the [Bleep]?! Get the [Bleep] off me!

[ Laughing and saying "ooh-whee!" ]

Ow!

Turn in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, like, a year and a half...

Or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

Ooh-whee!