04x05 - Rattlestar Ricklactica

Morty, be sure to pee before we go.

This adventure is gonna be a long haul, and I don't feel like emptying the jug.

Jerry, will you please just let me automate this [BLEEP]

task?

I didn't ask for anyone's help.

You two are welcome to leave.

Mom told me she wanted me to stay here to make sure you didn't die.

Well, you tell your mother that I'm gonna be fine.

Don't train your child to lie, Jerry, even though, you know, 'tis the season.

Then I'll tell her.

Whoa!

I told you, no more rays.

What ray did you zap me with?

I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air, and now your shoes are heavier than air, which makes you neutrally buoyant, which I find personally more impressive conceptually than walking on water, but what do I know?

I wasn't born into the god business.

I [BLEEP]

earned it.

Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

Just to be clear, this doesn't mean you helped me.

It wears off in 10 hours, and the next hit will cost you 30 bucks.

Like I'll even be using it in 10 hours.

[WHISPERS]

Siri, set a 9-hour and 50-minute timer.

SIRI: Playing The Beatles.

- I need to pee.

- Nope.

Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow that makes you not have to go.

I ain't swallowing no centipede.

What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee?

You're not the victim in this transaction.

- [THUMP]

- Uh-oh, flat tire.

How the hell do you get a flat tire in space, Rick?

Obviously from a sharp thing in space, Morty.

It's just crazy how much it feels like getting a regular flat.

Oh, no, no, that's just my custom-programmed, fully immersive flat-tire indication experience.

I can turn it off.

I thought it was cooler than the celebrity voice package, but here.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: Flat tire you should be walkin'.

- Oof.

- Yeah.

- Can I come out with you, Rick?

- No, I've seen this movie.

Two guys leave th[BURPS]

e ship.

One guy goes spinning away.

You're staying in here where it's safe.

[GASPS]

[PANTS]

- Morty, goddamn it.

- Come on.

I n I never get to be out here.

Ugh, you young people think space is like "Saturday Night Live.

" You see it every day, so you dream of being in it, but it dreams of removing all the air from your body and making you float around it for eternity as a flash-mummified corpse, which is also what space wants, so get back in the car.

I'm not in danger.

There's nothing out here.

Literally everything is out here, and unlike everywhere else, I'm too busy to help you.

Right, because you're always so helpful.

Ah!

- God damn it.

- What is that?

Obviously, it's a space snake.

T-There's snakes in space?

There's literally everything in space, Morty!

Now get the [BLEEP]

back in the car.

MORTY: I'm dying, Rick.

[GROANS]

I can see the black mountain.

People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.

- Is that true?

- I don't know.

I'm just usually around people that die faster.

- [GROANS]

- All right.

All right.

J-Just let me analyze the snake's planet, so I can whip up an antivenom.

Computer, you might want to put a rush on this.

Morty's starting to look like a '90s Japanese ghost.

COMPUTER: Cutting corners.

Oof, oh, my God, these snakes are a mess.

19 billion snakes divided into 10,000 nations all on the brink of global war over [LAUGHS]

race.

How funny is that?

Imagine being a racist snake.

"Hey, other snake, I hate you because you're the wrong color, snake.

" Oh, my God.

You're not laughing?

Oh, you're dying.

It's a miracle they were able to fling one this far out before they slithered into extinction.

Oh, oh, God, I killed their What's his name, their Buzz Aspirin?

It's actually Buzz Advil, Morty, and, uh, this is totally different.

It's a female snake.

There's an extra layer of heartbreak.

Wait.

Wait.

Morty, Morty, you hear that?

- Listen.

- [RHYTHMIC HISSING]

Snake jazz.

Ha.

Idiots.

Let's get moving.

We've got a long way to go, and I'm not sharing that centipede.

Rick, wait.

Go back.

I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.

That's right, Morty.

Only 19 billion snakes can do that.

That species was never getting beyond this stage.

To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy, if you bite your first contact on its ankle, you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck.

" What up, homeys?

Shooting hoops, I see.

Hey, who's interested in a friendly bet that this white guy can jump.

Hey, leave the racial stuff off the court, okay?

Oh, I thought that kind of talk was part of street ball.

Well, now it's part of everything else, so chill.

We We got off on the wrong foot.

My name is Jerry Smith.

I live in the suburbs.

I'm only here because I have a certain power I wanted to kind of celebrate before it goes away.

Yo, we got a Nazi up here.

Hey, I think there's a misunderstanding.

Here, just just watch.

Huh?

Help!

Help!

I-I need that shoe!

No, no, don't touch that shoe or that money.

Let them be a powerful but confusing monument to our neighborhood's integrity.

Oh, boy, what an adventure, huh?

Hey, Morty, listen.

I can tell you're pretty upset about the whole snake encounter thing, so I'll tell you what.

I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid you for the rest of the day.

[CANS CLATTER]

Play snake jazz.

[RHYTHMIC HISSING]

I-Is this one friendly?

It's a snake.

You ever You ever see this one look up at the sky like it's dreaming of something more?

No, but, uh, all those ones marked with red sticker, yeah.

Any snake over 50 bucks yearns for the beyond.

I-I-I've seen them do it.

[HISSING]

Ow!

Damn it, Slippy, come on.

Ow!

Just please.

[CRYING]

I'm sorry.

MAN ON TV: Everyone has a plumbus in their home.

First, they take the dinglepop.

Ow!

[BLEEP]

monster.

[RADAR BEEPING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[HISSING]

[MONITORS BEEPING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[HISSING]

[HISSES]

[HISSING]

Downbeat.

How do you win this [BLEEP]

game?

We-We've never gotten that far.

Guys, did I not tell you to keep your eye on Jerry?

- We did.

- Then where is he?

Maybe he's having an affair.

[LAUGHTER]

But for real, has anyone seen him?

Grandpa, did you trap him in a painting again?

I didn't do sh1t.

Well, y-y-you made him floaty.

- Asshole.

- Made him floaty?

I saved his life by making his body slightly lighter than air, and it expires in a couple of hours.

Expires, like he'll fall out of the sky?

He won't by in the sky, Beth, unless it's possible for Jerry to [BLEEP]

up wearing shoes.

- Oh, crap, he's gonna die.

- What were you thinking?

[SHIVERING]

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Hey, babe.

Jerry, are you in the air?

Rick told me he made you floaty.

Made me floaty?

Pfft.

Got to love Rick's world view.

Yes, I had Rick make me floaty so I could put up some lights.

Now, I'm at the light store.

- [SQUAWKING]

- Get away!

Sorry, this lady at the store is trying to peck me.

Yes, you can help me find lights after I'm off the phone.

We're in Rick's ship.

How about we just pick you up?

- You're with Rick?

- Well, why wouldn't I Jerry, I paused Beth with a device Christopher Walken gave me after a record session.

Real talk, buddy, where you at?

- Go to hell, Rick.

- Come on, Jerry.

I can recognize the sound of a seagull.

Can you recognize the sound of a man's pants filling up with rain?

I hope to one day.

Jerry, I'll tell you what.

Because it's Christmas, I'm gonna do you a favor.

I won't let you die, and I won't tell Beth that you almost killed yourself.

- Sounds like a win-win to me.

- Come again?

If I survive, it'll be without you, and if I die, it'll be on your ass.

Merry Christmas, bitch.

I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!

[SCREAMING]

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- I be with him?

We both care.

- Whoa.

Jerry.

- Yes, honey?

Let us just come get you.

Beth, I am so touched that you care for me this much, but I'm fine, and I just want to put up these Christmas lights, and [DISTORTED]

I will eat your world.

Honey, my dad can hear you.

[NORMAL VOICE]

Got to go.

[DISTORTED]

See you soon.

Okay.

[SCREAMS]

Well, it sounds like he's fine.

Yeah, I'm almost kind of rooting for him this time.

One Diet Sprite Remix, please, and, uh, is anyone here an Uber driver?

You can't bring that boulder in here.

- What?

- I said no boulders.

- This ain't the lake, buddy.

- Drop the rock.

Well, it's kind of a a service boulder.

Yeah, I float without it.

Big man holding a big rock, think you can take me down?

No, obviously not.

- You're huge.

- Then put it down.

- Put the boulder down!

- If I put it down, - I'm going to float.

- Drop it!

- Put it down!

- And frankly, your bar has a lot of ceiling fans.

- You think you're better than us?

- Drop the rock.

- Put it down.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, whoa, what the [BLEEP]

.

- Stop doing that.

- I told you this would happen.

- Well, stop floating.

- Who said you could float here?

I can't control it.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Aaaaaaaaaah!

And take your girlfriend with you.

[GRUNTS]

[SNAKE JAZZ PLAYING]

Summer, how supes shook am I about your playlisting fleekness tonight?

You love it?

It's snake jazz.

My little brother got bit by a snake in outer space and killed it with a hubcap, and my grandpa had to scan its planet's culture for an antivenom, and they found this.

It's my jam.

Seriously, my new thing now is snake jazz.

Can you alter the course of a species' evolution like that without repercussions?

Gee, I don't know, Nancy.

Can you alter the course of being a giant [BLEEP]

nerd?

- Sorry.

- Also, later, we need to discuss your clothing and your weight.

That's fair.

[MOANS]

What the hell?

[ROBOTICALLY]

Target acquired.

[GUNSHOT]

Snakes!

Get back in the car!

Morty, enough with the Snakes!

[ROBOTICALLY]

Target acquired.

Aliens, I am a robot sent back in time by the Snake Resistance to protect you from Serpacorp.

My appearance is designed to be familiar and to put you at ease.

The ape child must be eliminated to protect our timeline.

Morty, what the hell did you do?

I was just trying to do the right thing.

I took a living snake [GROANS]

- Get behind me.

I will protect - Aaah!

Why Why are they attacking us?

I-I-I helped them.

You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot.

They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel all so they could try to kill a little [BLEEP]

sack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle.

Next time, stay in the [BLEEP]

car.

NARRATOR: 17 billion snake lives ended on June 21, 2026.

The survivors lived only to face a new nightmare, - the war between snake and machine.

- In the end, snake overcame machine because of what we couldn't predict that an alien, a child from a distant star, would save us.

W-Where are we going?

W-What are we doing here, Rick?

We got to get the heart of Snake Net.

Now, shut up, and stay close.

[ROBOTICALLY]

Resistance is mouselike.

Whoa, hey, look.

That one's actually really cool.

Come here, little guy.

Ah, you little son of a bitch.

Come on, Morty.

[ROBOTICALLY]

Your brood must be exterminated.

You will not kill her or her brood.

- Must kill brood and mother.

- Get behind me.

Your brood will seed all life on this planet.

- That doesn't make sense.

- That didn't make sense.

Hey, it's it's Slippy!

Keep up, sh1t bag.

[SIGHS]


BETH: Hi, you went directly to voicemail because your number is not in my phone.

Don't leave a message.

Hi, honey.

Uh, look.

Morty told me that you didn't think I could hang lights without killing myself.

Look, I want to be a strong man for you, but the truth is The truth is, I'm coming home with the best lights ever.

Oof.

Whoa, feel that turbulence?

Nope, I'm on molly.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Give me some.

Ahh.

[TIMER BEEPING]

Aaaah!

I don't suppose you guys will take a bribe?

- [HISSES]

- Ah!

Anyone else want legs?

God damn it.

Are you kidding me?

I thought there'd be a time machine in here.

They're not even a quarter of the way through making it.

I'm gonna have to invent it for them.

I-I don't know snake math.

Ugh, I didn't want to have to do this.

[BLEEP]

All right.

W-What's going on?

What are you doing?

I'm reminding myself to commit even more to your [BLEEP]

up.

Hey, assholes.

[BLEEP]

you.

Takes one to know one.

What the heck?

- Hey, man, you you okay?

- You know what?

[BLEEP]

you.

- What?

Screw you.

- Here.

Come on.

Was it really that hard?

What do you think?

Come on, Morty.

Man, I-I-I wonder why I had a black eye.

Morty, shut the [BLEEP]

up and put these on.

- - Okay, so w-what are we doing?

That book has everything they need to create snake time travel, a-and they're getting it in 1985, snake time.

Now, they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it.

Huh, a-and then what?

We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, [BLEEP]

up story and letting snake time travel eat its own tail.

[HISSING]

[ALL HISSING]

- - [HISSING]

Just have to keep my grip.

Jerry Smith, I am here to save you.

What?

I already told Rick I don't want help.

I do not know Rick.

I was sent by a society of human-snake hybrids - Classic Rick.

- from an alternate version I did it!

We're landing!

I knew I could do it.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Jesus Christ, Rick, it's pandemonium out there!

T-This is worse than when we left.

Rick, look, Summer!

Nobody chokes me without consent.

Y-You just made things worse, Rick.

Trust me, Morty.

We helped them press on the gas pedal.

We just got to wait for them to blow by a cop.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Shleemypants here, what's up?

Snakes?

Time travel?

They did what?

How the [BLEEP]

did Okay, okay, I'm on it.

We got a 10-51 on a goddamn snake planet.

Don't look at me.

I'm afraid of snakes.

"I'm afraid of snakes," [BLEEP] .

You afraid of work.

That's what you afraid of.

- All right.

All right.

- [SIGHS]

Let's go take care of this.

[HISSES]

Oh, look at you.

You a smart snake, huh?

You using tools now, huh?

Those tools are gonna turn into you manipulating the fabric of sh1t.

- Get over here, mother[BLEEP].

- What the [BLEEP]

you think you doing?

- Don't [BLEEP]

with time.

- You don't [BLEEP]

with time.

[SNAKES HISSING]

Holy [BLEEP] .

What happened?

Look, this is better than them attacking us.

Also, that's about as much curvature as you're gonna get from a time-travel story.

You know what?

This one counts as one of your adventures.

- Hey, come on.

- No freebies.

Aw, man, I-I wanted to go to Boob World.

Well, now, we can't because you [BLEEP]

up.

Got to learn a lesson.

You want to go to Boob World, Summer?

Eh, not today.

[SIGHS]

This sucks.

[PANTING]

Hey, honey, check it out.

Jerry, I was worried about you.

Oh, just killing some snakes up here like everyone else, I guess, and finishing the Christmas lights.

Wait, the whole time?

I was screaming for help, and you stayed on the roof?

I couldn't hear you over my own screaming.

We've talked about this.

Well, I'm just glad you're safe.

Well, duh, of course, I'm safe.

Hey, guess what, asshole.

I did it without you.

Whoa!

Ah!

Oh, God, it hurts.

What was that?

I healed your leg 50%.

The rest is on you, big man.

That's what I'm talking about.

Respect, my brother.

Geez, your dad sucks.

All right, Morty.

Let's go enjoy a little bit of eggnog, huh?

- All right.

- Not so fast, boys.

Yeah, I think you might be forgetting something.

Merry Christmas, [BLEEP]

nuts.

Get to work.

Geez, I don't see why you have to be smug about it.

- A bunch of [BLEEP] .

- That's not necessary.

- This [BLEEP]

sucks.

- Yeah, it's fun until it's you, - huh, sh1t nog?

- Yeah, have fun sewing those snake costumes together, - you little tramp.

- You tell them, Morty.

Geez, you guys don't have to be dicks about it, all right?

Yeah, neither did the guys before us, but you know what?

They were.

- Merry Christmas, you sh1t bags.

- Yeah, ghost of Christmas future, bitches, you [BLEEP]

idiots.

- So mean.

- Those guys are mean.

Man, I just want to open my Christmas presents.

Well, I'm waiting on you to finish those snake costumes.

I'm almost done.

You know what?

T-They're good enough.

I'm done.

All right.

Let's go.

All right.

We're landing.

Come on.

Man, I can't believe we're almost done, Rick.

I can practically taste the eggnog.

Hey, you know what?

I I feel like we're forgetting something.

Oh, yeah, uh, thanks for reminding me.

Morty, next time, stay in the car.

- - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]