04x08 - The Vat of Acid Episode

[RAT SQUEAKING]

Oh, sh1t, I almost parked.

- Hey, Morty, hold on, Wat-watch this.
- _

- Uh-huh.
- Well, I thought it was cool.

So. We should be in and out.

Simple exchange, not even really an adventure.

And if anything goes wrong... which it won't... jump into the same vat of acid I jump into.

Okay. Wait... Wait, what?

- Wha-What vat of acid?
- What, Morty!

Close the door.

I pre-scouted this location and placed a vat of fake acid amongst the real ones.

It's got air hoses and a compartment of bones at the bottom.

If things go wrong, which they won't, we jump into the vat of acid, and I'll release the bones, they'll float up...

- What is this face you're making?
- Aren't you an inventor?

Yeah, what part of a fake acid vat with built-in air supply and quick-release bones isn't inventive enough for you, and when did my job become pitching you ideas?

All right! Let's just do this.

- I have English homework.
- You're still learning English?

That's the language you speak.

How dumb are you?

♪ ♪

Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick.

You like it? My grandson had notes.

- Come on.
- Show him the crystals, Morty.

I'll make lots of money with these.

I'll make lots of those with these.

Well. Those are fake.

- Oh, Jesus [BLEEP] Christ. Come on.
- You gotta be kidding me. Seriously?

You brought fake crystals and a gun?

Beats real crystals and no gun.

Okay, but does anything beat fake crystals and a fake arm?

Whoa, do you know who I am?!

Even if you kill me, you're a dead man.

Are you serious?

Morty, he's right. We're screwed.

Let's just end it. Quick death, come on.

Aw, man. Oh!

Eh!

Holy [BLEEP]. What the [BLEEP]?

- Holy [BLEEP].
- What kind of psycho...?

His own grandson?

CHURNK: Guess he took your threat pretty serious.

Yeah, but it just...

doesn't make any sense.

Well, he was a scientist.

Maybe he knew more about acid,

maybe it's like the most painless way to go.

How could that have been painless?

You saw that pause before the bones floated up,

that had to be five seconds of unparalleled torture.

I... I can't get my head around it.

I-I thought I'd seen this galaxy at its darkest.

This is... This is gonna take a while to feel normal.

We're pretty good listeners, boss.

Drinks are on us if you want to talk it out.

Thanks, but... what happened, it happened here.

I don't want to lose the moment.

Take your time, boss.

We'll stay here as long as you want.

Absolutely. I got nowhere to be.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

And then little Tommy FlimFlam's running down the Hyperloop.

His ass is on fire from Xenon fluid, but his AI hologram is [BLEEP] his own pee [BLEEP].

[LAUGHS]

- Great story, boss. [CHUCKLES]
- Really detailed.

Yeah, well, I got a million of 'em.

All right. I think I'm ready to deal with the world now.

Let's get out of here.

Should we drop our buddy in here before we go?

Yeah, probably a good idea.

- _
- Should we use a different vat?

Does acid lose its acid power the more it dissolves?

What am I, an acidologist?

Here, grab that ratlike creature,

we'll do a little test.

Look, if you're going to test the damn acid, don't use a rat,

take that ladle, grab a spoonful, and put it in the analyzer.

- Oh!
- Hey!

Oh!

Okay, I'd say that's pretty acidy.

Drop him in.

What are you doing?

- You said...
- Not the rat! The guy!

Ooh! Marone!

Look at the size of the bones on that rat!

Oh! How many sets of bones this rat got?

And look how the smaller ones are shaped!

They're like little cartoon bones,

like if you drew a bone in art class!

All right, that tears it.

I'm canceling the rest of my night and calling a bone scientist.

We're getting to the bottom of this...

Jesus [BLEEP] Christ, enough already!

- Oh!
- Hey!

- Whoa!
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

Can we go?

The [BLEEP] is wrong with you?

Just admit it was a shitty idea!

Having a grandson?

A vat of fake acid!

Are you dying of dementia?

How are you talking to me like this?

Wh-When did you get so cocky?

Tonight! Tonight, Rick!

The night I saw you fail!

- Because you ruined it!
- It was pre-ruined!

Oh, was it worse than when I was a pickle?

Oh-oh-oh that's right, you weren't there for that.

Turned out kind of cool.

- Maybe there's a connection there.
- Excuse me?

What's that cool thing you did without me again?

The awesome thing?
I-I-I guess you wanted a dragon?

Mwah. Unforgettable.

- God, [BLEEP] you.
- Timely, too, you really got in on that "Game of
Thrones" fever right at the peak.

You trying as hard as you can to hurt me right now

- proves my point.
- I'll let you know when you have a point and the world will know when I try to hurt you.

Big man, big genius. Big lonely drunk.

Hey, save some of these atomic-age beatnik zingers for your English homework, Bukowski.

There's no such thing as a bad idea, Morty.

It's about execution.

No such thing as a bad idea?

Except all of mine, right?

Morty, wanting a dragon isn't an idea.

I'm not talking about that!

I'm constantly pitching you ideas, Rick, and you act like they're not even worth thinking about!

What, the helicopter lawn chair?

That's just something you saw on TV.

What about my video-game-style place-saving device?

Oh, my God, here we go.

It's a good idea, Rick!
A device that lets you...

Save your place like in a video game, but in real life so that you can try stuff and then go back to your save point, yes, Morty, I saw it on "Futurama."

Oh, so you don't do anything unless it's original?

- I don't do time travel.
- It's not time travel,

- it's saving a place in time...
- Oh, my God, is this what you think I do?

This is where the heavy lifting happens in your mind?

Do you have any idea how much [BLEEP] work

- would have to go into a machine that...
- Ah-ha!

- You can't do it!
- I can do anything, Morty.

- Your idea is not worth doing.
- You can't do it.

Before what you're trying to do was called "negging," it was called "reverse psychology," and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did.

- You can't do it.
- There is nothing I cannot do.

- A place-saving video-game thing!
- You're a piece of [BLEEP].

- Just say you can't do it!
- I won't!

You won't say you can't?

- [BLEEP] you, Morty!
- [BLEEP] you!

[BLEEP] you! [GRUNTS]

Son of a bitch.

- So are you gonna...
- Yes, I'm gonna [BLEEP] do it!

Rick, it's : a.m.

Wh-Wh-What's going on?
W-Why'd you call me?

You were right, Morty. [SIGHS]

I failed. I can't make it.

And honestly, I'm pretty ashamed.

That might be why I've been so aggressive and unfair

- about rejecting your ideas.
- Rick...

A fake acid vat, Morty?

Maybe I've lost it.
Maybe I never had it.

Hey. C'mon. Y-You know I didn't mean it that way.

I just think we need to find better ways to communicate.

I'm sorry. I just... I lash out sometimes.

I-I-I don't know why I do that!
I'm so ashamed of myself.

Hearing you talk about the vat... it really opened my eyes.

- Like what the [BLEEP] am I even doing?
- Hey. Hey.

I don't like hearing this talk.
You're a great inventor.

We just got a couple things to work on.

Let's start with inventing a little honesty.

- Sound good?
- Thank you, Morty. Sounds good.

- Or maybe I'll just kill you.
- What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Rick...

- Because I [BLEEP] did it!
- Oh-ho-ho!

- Booya!
- Holy [BLEEP].

- You did it! You did it!
- I did it, you little son of a bitch!

- How did you...
- Morty, do you want me to explain, or you wanna go have some fun?

I wanna have some fun!

Oh, my God.

Rick, this is... this is... thank you!

You can thank me later. Go nuts.

Best grandpa ever!

That's all I ever wanted to hear.

[BELL RINGS]

All right, class, I know I've been absent for most of this school year.

I'll be honest with you... during spring break, I attended a renaissance faire and fell in love with a buxom hand-axe juggler half my age.

I overplayed my interest in her lifestyle just to get closer to her, traveling the country with her troupe, and I am embarrassed to say I am now an expert blacksmith with several STDs and a broken heart.

I beseech your nasty little asses to speak on the matter no further.

Now that that's out of the way, who wants to do some math?

- I'll do it.
- A bold move, Morty Smith.

But can you deliver?

Oh, I've got something to deliver.

Ahh!

Oh, God. What the hell!

Aw, goddamnit, this is traumatizing.

Oh, my God, what's wrong with your dick?

- Not cool.
- I'm allergic to sheepskin!

Bold move, Morty Smith.
But can you deliver?

Holy [BLEEP]. I can do anything.

Yes, with math, anything is possible.

Except a long-term relationship with a woman that calls you a warlock for using a phone.

[BELL RINGS]

Hi, uh, hey, Jessica.

Oh. Hey, Morty.

Hey... Jessica, right?

Um. Yeah. Hi. Sorry.

I thought you knew my name because we've interacted so many times, but maybe I was just being stupid.

Sorry. Hi. I-I'm Jessica. That's me.

- Cool. See you around.
- Jessica.

Yeah. I hope I see you.

- Around.
- Guess we'll see.

[SQUEALS]

I think I'm gonna like this thing.

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ It comes and it goes ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ Boy, don't you know ♪

♪ And if you lie ♪

- ♪ You will lose it ♪

♪ Feelings will show ♪

- ♪ So don't you ever abuse it ♪

♪ Don't let it go ♪

[SCREAMS]

Oh sh1t, suicide by cop!

I love these!

♪ Nobody's weak until somebody's strong ♪

You're living too fast, Morty.

I don't pay for your friendship, Heroin Keith.

Damn.

♪ Nobody's lonely until somebody's gone ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

- ♪ It comes and it goes ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ Boy, don't you know ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ It comes and it goes ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ Boy, don't you know ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

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♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ It comes and it goes ♪

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

♪ Boy, don't you know ♪

♪ And if you lie, you will lose it ♪

♪ Feelings will show ♪

♪ So don't you ever abuse it ♪

♪ Don't let it go ♪

♪ Nobody's right ♪


[BELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, Jessica.

Hey, I'm sorry I brushed you off the other day.

I was just trying to be cool...

Oh, I don't even know what you're talking about.

But... you seem different.

Like you finally found yourself.

Yeah. I... I guess I have.

That's good to hear.
I like who you found.

Yeah. Yeah, I do, too.

Looking forward to seeing more.

I'll see you tomorrow, Morty.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

How's it going?

Y'know, it was fun, Rick. Real fun.

Y'know I-I-I definitely
sowed those oats.

But I think you invented a little lesson for me along the way.

Living without consequences is great, but then I started wondering... what am I living for?
What am I building?

If I'm always looking back,
I'm never looking ahead.

And then it hit me.

We are who we are because of consequences.

You can't live without consequences, y'know? You feel me?

[SLURPS] Wow.

That's a beautiful thought, Morty, but, uh, no.

There were definitely consequences.

What're-What-What are you talking about?

I mean. You did everything you did.

- It all happened.
- No. But the... the respawn button.

- The... The do-over.
- It's not a do-over.

You just did it. Over and over.

What are you saying? W-What did you do?

I think it's more appropriate to ask what did you do?

You see, Morty, you weren't saving your place and going back. I don't respect time travel.

If "Ant Man and the Wasp" can do it, I'm not interested.

It wasn't so much a do-over as it was isolating a moment in time, splitting your probable selves, and shunting you into to into a near-duplicate, equally probable reality, transporting you into it at the moment of parallel determination.

Pretty nifty. Time crystals are a bitch and a half, but the only real hitch is that there was already a you in each probable dimension.

So we had to solve for that.

[SCREAMING]

That's right, you little bitch!

It's "The Prestige"!
You "Prestige'd" yourself!

- Rick, how many did I kill?
- You tell me, Morty.

Every time you reset to smell Jessica's hair, every time you relived a satisfying fart, that's how many Mortys you've incinerated, you greedy little junkie.

Oh, God... even those times when I...

Especially those times.

- It's over, Morty. Feel this.
- [CRYING]

- Take this in. This is God.
- Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh...

Why would you do this?

My hands are clean, Morty.
I gave you a choice.

You could listen to me explain, in great scientific detail, how it all works... or you could have fun.

- Did you have fun, Morty?
- Is this because of the vat?

- No.
- I'm sorry.

I'm afraid it's too late for that, Morty.

What's done is done, but it can end.

The original split is still timestamped.

I can make it so those Mortys never existed at all, make them purely theoretical.

Oh, God. What do I do?

I think it's clear you've done enough.

Tell me how, Rick! Tell me how I save those Mortys!

You live with the consequences.

Those things happened somewhere, but you can merge the probable realities so that only one Morty did them.

Just do it.

All right, lemme just sync these up and get you back to your dimension.

Wait, so... so you're not even my Rick?

Then... Then why do you know about the vat?

Every Rick has a vat!

♪ ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ ♪

[SLURPS]

Well, Morty,

I'd say we've invented a little honesty today.

- How about you?
- I don't deserve this.

I was just having fun.

So was Jeffrey Dahmer.

Speaking of, time to pay the piper.

[TIRES SCREECH, SIREN WAILS]

Morty Smith.

Come out with your hands up, you sick [BLEEP].

We're also fine with just shooting you if you wanna suicide by cop.

What? What is this?

Wow. Looks like a SWAT Team, some drug dealers, some grassroots MeToo activists, the ACLU...

Jesus, Morty, the AARP?

- I don't wanna talk about it!
- The NAACP, GamerGate...

Morty, is that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor?

I'm sorry! I... I'm sorry!

I-Is that what you want me to say?

- What... What do I do?
- Oof, well, I'm stumped.

Seems like there's no way out of this one.

Unless...

God damn it.

Yeah, I guess it is, uh... what did you call it?

Uh, uh, "A shitty idea"?

- God damn it.
- Say the vat is good.

- The vat is good.
- Kiss the vat.

Do not go into that vat.

It appears to be full of acid.

It is! Please, he's just a little boy!

- Let me talk to him.
- Tell him we're very upset!

Morty, please. Step back.

That vat is full of acid.

It'll melt you completely, leaving only your bones.

- Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm going in the vat!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Oh! God! Aw, I blame myself!

Oh, what a tragedy.

This... Oh, well, he's bones now.

I guess all debts are paid.

Agreed. He's definitely dead.

Why else would the bones come up?

While his actions were horrifying and we are well within our rights to be outraged,

I do wonder if we bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid.

Are we here for justice... or something else?

"Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice... none of us should see salvation.

We do pray for mercy."

"Merchant of Venice," nice.

- Very cool. Lots to think about.
- Vengeance is a tomb,

- all-encompassing...
- All right, okay, this isn't a poetry reading, a kid just died.

Everybody go home and hug your loved one or something.

[VEHICLE DOORS CLOSING,
ENGINES STARTING]

Wait.

How do we know that's really acid and you didn't just have someone's bones in there?

I mean, if you're doubting if that's really acid and not just jacuzzi-heated Mountain Dew, you're welcome to use this ladle.

You think I'm a goddamn idiot?

Brought my own.

Aah!

Oh, God! Oh, God no!

Oh, God, no! Oh, no... Huh?

I'm acid-proof!

[BLEEP] all of you. [BLEEP] all of you,

I'm gonna be rich!

Here's my ass.

Take a good look, spank it!

Acid proof!

Feels like that guy had other stuff going on.

Don't ever make fun of me again.

Ever!

All right, c'mon Morty, let's go home.

Wait, what? This...
This isn't our reality?

What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a [BLEEP] lesson?

[SIGHS] I am gonna miss this place, though...

Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, / never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter

- instead of marshmallows.
- The fu... What?

The marshmallows are the best part!

Morty...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Our next guest, ah, gave us, well, actually, very little information, ah, besides the fact that he is, uh, impervious to acid.

So here he is, he's here to prove it.

Let's welcome this guy.

Let's do this sh1t!

Now, you're, uh... you're sure about this?

Eat my [BLEEP].

- Hoist me!
- I did not know that ass was on the menu.

Don't steal my moment!

- Do it!
- Ah, okay,

then without further ado... drop him.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

[SCREAMING]

Looks like I'll be eating [BLEEP] flambé.

[LAUGHTER]

Please kill me.

- [APPLAUSE]