01x04 - Sleeping with a Celebrity; Being Batman

[bunniefuu]

What's it like to get divorced?

Oh, no.

This is about committing to the standard that you set.

"Even if I beg for help, don't let me out."

What are you doing?

I'm divorcing you.

It's the end of our marriage.

Why are you sleeping in my office?

You pay me in college credits.

Can you turn off the light?

Hey, I want you to meet my lawyer, Mark.

You're right... we have been holding each other back.

Oh.

Don't worry about her is what I'm trying to say.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and my wife is probably [Bleep] her lawyer right now.

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva the revolution!

[Crowd cheering]

Aah!

[Triumphant orchestration]

♪ ♪

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and this is Review, where I'll review any life experience you're curious about and rate it on my patented five-star scale.

I'm A.J. Gibbs, and Forrest usually introduces me.

Yes, that's true. I... I'm sorry.

I am still sort of reeling from my recent review of divorce, in which I lost my home and apparently half of my income for the rest of my life.

Well, at least you didn't lose your job.

True enough. This show helps people.

It's important work.

What's my next review, A.J.?

First one up is from Kalamazoo, Michigan.

I can often be found masturbating to images of celebrities, but I was wondering what'd it be like to actually sleep with one.

Sleeping with a celebrity, huh?

[Chuckles] Okay.

Forrest MacNeil groupie.

Don't even think about it, Forrest.

What's that?

Don't even think about it.

What?

You know what you were thinking.

Well, as often happens, I don't know what you're talking about.

But I am off to sleep with a celebrity.

You know.

As a newly divorced man, the opportunity to have sex with a glamorous famous person seemed like just the review I needed.

So Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie and JLo are all spoken for, huh?

Yeah.

The first step was finding an available star.

Hmm, here's something.

Ashley Tisdale is hosting a charity event here.

What are my chances of sleeping with Ashley Tisdale?

Be honest.

Really good.

Ashley Tisdale was not only the scene-stealing villain in the High School Musical movies.

She was also deeply committed to stamping out bullying, and that commitment put her within my reach.

I have always believed in the power of positive thinking.

That's why I have a condom.

I'm not gonna have some actress raising my child.

You can believe that. [Chuckles]

The host arrived, and she was gorgeous.

There was no denying the whirlpool of energy surrounding this center of attention.

Was I struck by her beauty or seduced by the effect she had on the room?

Hi. How are you? What a great event this is.

I just want to say kudos to you.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Why are you holding a condom?

Yeah. [Scoffs]

My initial interaction with Miss Tisdale could have gone better, and another opportunity soon presented itself.

All right, we have a surprise additional item... a wonderful private dinner with Miss Ashley Tisdale.

Ah.

Yes.

I had to have this.

How about that?

We're gonna start this one at $5,000.

Yes, $5,000.

$5,000, right there at table 2.

Fantastic. Do I hear $10,000? $10,000?

Yes, yes, $10,000. $10,000.

Okay. Uh, $10,000, table 2 also.

Yeah... oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Do I hear $15,000? $15,000?

$15,000? $15,000.

$15,000 to the doting father of that lucky young lady back there.

Now, do I hear $20,000? $20,000?

Yeah, $20,000.

$20,000 from table 2.

Ashley, I think you've got yourself a fan over there.

[Laughs]

What about it, dad?

$25,000.

$25,000.

We've got ourselves a real bidding w*r going on here.

Do I hear $30,000... $70,000.

All right?

$70,000.

$70,000, okay?

We done?

$70,000 going once...

Going twice.

That's it, right?

Sold to that guy.

Yes! Yes!

Okay, thank you.

$70,000, and worth every penny, I have no doubt.

[Laughs]

I look forward to our evening.

Hey, bud.

Hey.

How was it?

As my dinner with Miss Tisdale drew near, I felt a strong desire to let people know about my connection to this famous beauty to feel some of her celebrity glow reflected off of myself.

Listen, I'm not gonna be able to spend the evening with Eric on Thursday night, it turns out.

Okay, well, I wasn't expecting you to.

That's not your night.

Oh, good, good, good.

Yeah, yeah, well, I just have a date that night.

A date? Oh.

Well, good for you.

Yeah, yeah, it's actually someone you know.

Yeah... not personally, but from the world of movies and television.

It's, uh, Ashley Tisdale?

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

Who is it?

Ashley Tisdale.

Oh.

Yes.

Huh.

Yeah, she and I are going out for American bistro food...

Are you?

On Thursday.

It should be... it should be nice.

What, did you win a date with her at some charity auction or something?

[Laughs]

Is that what you think? [Sighs]

Forrest, please tell me you didn't pay $10,000 to have dinner with a famous person.

I did not pay $10,000 to have dinner with anyone.

Well, good, because that would be pathetic.

Would it really?

Yeah.

Are we done here?

Absolutely.

If just the idea of a date with a celebrity was enough to make my ex-wife jealous, how would she react to the round of sex I would soon have with Miss Ashley Tisdale?

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I courted Suzanne for an excruciating 13 months before she allowed me to be physically intimate with her.

Whatever magic I worked then, I'm going to have to condense into the time it takes to eat this meal of American bistro food.

Oh.

Hi.

Yes, hello.

I'm Ashley.

And this is my bodyguard.

Oh, okay.

Wonderful. Listen, hey, I got you these flowers.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, it's good. You look absolutely beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, thank you for looking so beautiful.

And thank you so much for your $70,000 contribution.

Well, you know, I have a son who's extremely short for his age.

Oh, so you're married?

Quite the contrary.

I am recently divorced and getting out there.

So your timing is pretty good.

For this.

Yeah. [Chuckles nervously]

You know something? I dabble in palm reading.

May I?

Oh, you know what? I'm good.

I'm good. I don't really believe in that stuff.

Oh, well, it's mainly just sort of for fun, to talk about, you know, your heart line.

No.

Yeah.

Mm, okay. Yeah.

My... my love line, if it's this one, is all... goes all the way around.

You sure you don't want a palm read...

I'm... I'm good.

Um, you... I imagine that being a celebrity is very, very stressful.

No, actually, it's really fun.

It's really fun.

With certain stresses, in terms of keeping up public appearances and... and all that.

No.

I... I really enjoy it. I love it.

Well, no wonder you're carrying all that tension in your shoulders.

I'm carrying... no.

No, no, no.

So why don't I see if I can help you with that?

You know what? You don't need to get up.

You don't need to get up.

No, well, I'll...

I think I'll just give you a little back rub here.

It should've come as no surprise that Miss Tisdale was acting coy.

To a celebrity, an evening of sex, is a coveted prize that cannot be handed out to just anyone with no apparent benefit in the form of dr*gs or career advancement.

I'm okay.

Okay.

I'm just excited for dinner.

Good. So, uh...

Oh, good. Thanks.

Okay.

I'm just gonna be very blunt with you.

Oh, boy.

My interest in this date actually has nothing to do with the food, even though this rib taster for two is definitely calling to me, no doubt about that.

But what I'm saying is if you are interested in getting out of here and going straight to dessert...

[Cell phone rings]

Oh, you know what? I am so sorry.

I have to take this. Hello?

Fake phone call, fake phone call, fake phone call.

What?

Fake phone call, fake phone call, fake phone call.

Right now?

Fake phone call, fake phone call, fake phone call.

Oh, my God, okay. I am so sorry.

A bad thing happened, and it's an emergency.

And I've got to go. I'm so sorry.

No problem. Listen, as I was saying... no, no, no, no, please... please, stay here.

Just enjoy your dinner.

I have no interest in the food at all.

Eat your dinner.

Thank you for your $70,000 contribution.

Ah... [Laughs] "Thank you for your $70,000 contribution," in this case means I will not be having sex.

I will have the rib taster for two, please.

Well, I have just eaten two massive plates of ribs, but I'm still going to try and have sex tonight.

This is a Hollywood hot spot, and I've been scanning the room for celebrities.

I think I may have found one.

[Clears throat] Pardon me, Miss Taylor Swift.

I was... oh... oh, I'm sorry.

She was not Taylor Swift, but she was Tammy Caswell, and she wasted no time identifying herself as a real housewife of Beverly Hills... a show I had heard of but never seen.

You know, I, uh, dabble in palm reading a bit.

How's my passion line?

Because I was still living in my office and my intern, Josh, had called dibs on the couch, we went to her place.

I will spare you the details, but sex with Miss Caswell was extremely unpleasant.

Okay.

Real Housewives...

The knowledge that she was known to millions of TV viewers, however, enabled me to have sex with the first woman I'd been with since my divorce.

It was quite a thrill to get to sleep with someone from that show. [Chuckles]

Really?

Yeah.

Who?

You.

You were not on the television show?

I'm a housewife, and I live in Beverly Hills adjacent.

But I was troubled to learn that Tammy Caswell was not an actual celebrity.

And my search continued.

Where are you going? Hey!

Hey! You want to Greek me?

Despite spending an enormous amount of money and a demoralizing evening with a married woman, I still had not slept with a celebrity.

There you go.

She'll let you sleep with her.

Author Diane Massey.

Does she count as a celebrity?

For you? Yes.

"I was... numb with sorrow.

Roy was gone, and I would have to live my life without him."

Behind me is Diane Massey, one-time traffic reporter for K.L.O.W's local news.

Some people consider her to be the Ashley Tisdale of traffic reporting.

She has written a memoir about coping with the death of her husband, Roy.

He d*ed in a traffic accident, ironically enough.

Isn't that something?

[Light applause]

Thank you so much for writing this.

Of course.

I recently, uh...

I recently lost my wife.

Diane was a sweet, sad woman in a highly vulnerable state.

I got to hand it to Lucille. She called it.

And Diane's need for loving care made my task all too easy.

Is there something else I can do for you?

As a matter of fact, there is.

Okay. Oh.

Yeah, oh. Oh, God.

Mm hmm.

The glamor of sleeping with a famous woman was undeniable.

But ultimately, we were just people, and our sexual encounter would end the way they usually do.

Oh, no!

[Crying] Oh, Roy!

Oh.

Bring me Roy.

I don't know what... I'm sorry. I don't know how to do that.

Give me Ro... bring me his ashes.

Bring me Roy.

[Sobbing]

All right.

Bring me his ashes.

Oh, my Roy.

Oh, my Roy.

[Sobbing]

I'll probably, uh... probably get going there.

You can call me if you want.

Okay.

Good for you, Forrest... on the rebound.

Thank you.

The saddest rebound anyone ever saw.

Without a doubt.

Sleeping with a celebrity... one star.

I suppose there's still much more life to explore, huh?

There sure is, Forrest.

Ha ha.

So what's my next review?

Okay, ten-year-old Danny Cruz from Perryton, Texas, posted on our website.

He wants to know Hey.

Who cares, Danny?

Let's find out. [Clears throat]

My foray into the world of celebrity lovemaking had left me in a state of depression that made this task feel especially pointless.

It was Batman, right?

Batman! Fly!

All right. Okay.

I missed my Batwoman, Suzanne, and my Bat-son...

Bat-everything.

Hey, the bike lanes are clearly marked.

[Bleep] You, Batman!

[Bleep] You.

[Bleep].

But I did my best to find criminal masterminds or as close as I could come.

Excuse me.

This shopping cart does not belong to you.

I'll bring it back to the food saver.

What?

I'm Batman.

It was clear to me that the idea of a private citizen fighting crime is of no value whatsoever.

That should be left to police officers with the proper training, equipment, and accountability to society.

How this never occurred to Batman is beyond me.

Yoo-hoo.

You're breaking the law right now.

You mind coming with me to the police station?

Ha ha. It's Batman.

Stop... ow. That's disgusting.

What's the matter with you?

[Cell phone rings]

What?

Control yourself.

Hello?

Where are you?

We're at the courthouse.

What?

No...

I don't know. no, no, no, no. No, that was tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm here. I just got here.

What floor are you guys on?

Okay. Well, which way is it?

Which way do you go in once you're up top, once you're at the beginning?

Oh.

Oh, you came in through the parking garage?

Well, when you're in the lobby, is it all one lobby for everything, or is it...?

If you're standing on the sidewalk... hang on.

Hey, you guys, do you know where family court is?

What fl...which entrance you go in for family court?

Is it the middle? Okay, thank you.

Yeah, I got it. I'm going in the middle door.

[Elevator beeping]

Forrest?

Yes.

Suzanne, can I speak with you for just one second, please?

Just one second, please.

Why are you dressed like this?

Are you going crazy?

No.

Let's not do this. I don't want to be divorced.

Let's just go...

Okay, Forrest, I understand that you are not in the best frame of mind right now, okay?

I am thinking very clearly.

You are clearly not.

But I am certain that this is best for us, okay?

How can you say that?

We have a life together.

I can't...

MacNeil!

[Sighs]

Suzanne... Suzanne.

Stop it. I'm sorry.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

This was supposed to be Wednesday.

I was looking at last year's calendar.

[Sighing]

With all other assets held in trust until the time stipulated.

Agreed.

Well, shall we move on to custody?

I think we can agree on joint custody.

50/50.

Actually, no.

My client feels that sole custody would be in the best interest of the child.

Sole custody by which parent?

My... my client.

On what grounds?

There are grave concerns about Mr. MacNeil's ability to be a fit parent.

That is ridiculous.

What are you even talking about?

Suzanne.

In recent weeks, Mr. MacNeil had a drug-induced psychotic episode while supervising his son's camping trip.

[Sighs]

Mm-hmm.

He took money from the boy's college fund to purchase a $4,000 sex doll.

He attended prom as the date of a 17-year-old girl and overdosed on cocaine at said prom.

He is an avowed r*cist and most recently consumed pancakes to the point of endangering his own life.

Is that all?

Well, he showed up to a custody hearing dressed as Batman and covered in his own urine.

Is all of this true?

It's not my urine.

And just like that, without warning, I had lost my family.

The injustice was unremitting.

And then it hit me that this was exactly how Bruce Wayne felt after the m*rder of his parents.

I could use that.

My earlier attempt to live as Batman was halfhearted jest, the stuff of Schumacher.

Now, on behalf of those who cry out for mother justice, I was reborn.

Dude, I gave you a 20.

Though I did not know which one of these men was right, I now understood that civilized quibbling gets you nowhere.

To save Gotham, action would be required.

Yeah.

Dude, you're badass.

Get out.

Come on.

[Doorbell chimes]

[Vending machine beeping]

No.

No!

I'm Batman.

You took my office.

I want you out.

I already told you, I've got dibs on the office.

[Grunts]

Stop.

Get out, get out.

Hey.

Get out of my office. Stop-ow!

This is a workplace.

You don't pay me!

It doesn't matter!

Get up. Get out of here.

Take all your crap.

This is the Batcave.

Interns don't sleep in the Batcave.

It's not your Batcave. It's full of your...

These dr*gs are gonna melt your mind.

There's no dr*gs. It's just a bong.

Shut up.

As dawn came, I began to understand that a quest for justice was only part of what fuels a good Batman.

There's something else there too... something lurking in the shadows of a soul, something about a name.

It's called "rage."

Being Batman... four stars.