01x05 - Having a Best Friend; Going to Space

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva the revolution!

[crowd cheering]

[taser crackling]

Agh!

[triumphant fanfare]

♪ ♪

Welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil.

As usual, I will be reviewing whatever experiences you send in that are, in turn, handed off to me by Miss A.J. Gibbs.

Hi, Forrest.

Well, A.J., what's my first review for today?

Okay.

This comes from Glenda who lives at the Golden Ivy senior home in Salem, Oregon.

Aha.

What's it like to have a best friend?

[chuckles]

Oh, that's a great question.

Yeah.

Who's your best friend?

Oh.

Ha.

Who is my best friend?

Well...

Uh...

Well, anyway, I'm off to explore having a best friend.

The truth is my marriage k*lled my social life years ago.

Suzanne was all the friend I'd ever needed.

But after a contentious divorce...

You are gonna die alone! Do you understand?

And a bitter, angry custody hearing...

There are grave concerns about Mr. MacNeil's ability to be a fit parent.

That is ridiculous.

Suzanne was not returning my calls.

I needed to make a new best friend.

And then I realized that Gene, my ex-neighbor, might be ideal.

True, he and I had never been close and my recent review of being r*cist had only made things worse...

Laugh it up, you [bleep]!

[laughter]

But I knew I could overcome any obstacle.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Yeah.

What are you up to tonight?

Um, nothing. Just watching the Lakers.

The Lakers, huh?

Okay, I'll be back tonight.

What?

Hey, there, stranger.

What, are you going for a jog?

What?

Are you going for a jog?

Yes.

Oh, good. Yeah.

It's important to make time for exercise.

The closer I got to Gene, the closer I would get to returning to my life with my real best friend, Suzanne.

You have reached Forrest MacNeil.

I will be out of the office until tomorrow because I am going to my best friend's house to watch the Lakers game.

Please leave a message after the tone, and I will listen to it after I am done with my best friend.

You're going to the Lakers game?

No, I'm going over to Gene's house to watch it there with him.

Gene?

Mm-hmm.

The guy you called a [bleep]?

Yes.

Well, if you guys ever need tickets, let me know.

I'll hook you up.

Oh, really?

Okay.

When I got to Gene's, I discovered that some guy named Carlos had invited himself.

Ooh.

Whatever.

Boom!

Oh, man.

That is called the pick-and-roll right there.

Oh, did I miss a pick-and-roll?

[doorbell rings] - Oh, that's the pizza.

[whistles]

So how do you know Gene?

I've known him forever... grade school, high school, we were in the army together.

Oh, yeah. He's a great guy, huh?

Best friend in the whole world.

I love him. Check it out.

Oh, yeah, there you are.

Two buddies out for a walk, huh?

Went and got that one framed. [both chuckle]

You got a best friend?

Yeah.

Probably, uh...

Probably Gene.

Probably my best friend too.

Oh, okay.

The more time I spent with Gene, the more obvious it became that Carlos was a serious obstacle to our best friendship.

[cell phone vibrates]

Guys, this is Alicia for the fourth time.

And I cannot ignore it.

Take that call, my friend. [chuckles]

Hey, Carlos... I think you are a great guy.

I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you in these past few days, but I got to tell you...

Gene is my best friend that I made, you know?

He's not just some guy that I have a bunch of shared experiences with.

I guess I'm saying you might want to get out of the way.

To Carlos, the idea that I could ever be Gene's best friend was absurd, and he proposed an interesting, if unorthodox, way to settle the issue.

You know, back in basic, we had a saying.

"Don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk."

Meaning?

I'm challenging you to a friend-off.

What is that?

We will try to out-friend each other with Gene until one guy can't friend anymore, and then he goes, for good.

Okay.

You're on.

I can out-friend you any day.

Hey, guys, can you remind me to get toilet paper on the way home?

Yes, absolutely.

In fact, I will set an alarm on my phone to remind me to remind you to get toilet paper.

I'll get you enough toilet paper to last 100 years.

I don't know where you're gonna keep all that toilet paper.

So I poured it on, friending as hard as I could friend.

Hey, guys! [chuckles]

Happy Birthday, my friend.

Oh, my birthday was two months ago, Forrest.

Hop on, my friend.

Oh, my...

This is beautiful, Forrest.

It is.

You know, this is what best friends do.

Yeah.

That's really nice, but you got to be careful with these things.

I mean, I've been reading about 'em, and a lot of people have been running over their kids.

Yeah, well...

Kid lost part of his face.

I-I've been reading about 'em too.

They said it was no big deal.

What they're doing with faces these days... they take somebody's face, and they put it on somebody else, so they get this facial reconstruction.

I'm not saying it's gonna happen.

Right.

I don't think you're gonna run over Clayton's face or he's gonna lose any of his face.

But I'm saying if it did happen, they've got the science now... but Carlos proved to be a worthy adversary.

The best place in town.

Oh, my God.

What is that in the backyard?

Oh, you're here.

What is that?

Wait a second.

Isn't that the new grill that I just got you that you should be making burgers on right now?

Come on.

Carlos! You are awesome!

Burgers?

Don't touch it!

I want to touch it. I want to touch it.

Hey, man, this thing's awesome.

Well, it's stainless steel.

It's gonna last 100 years.

That's a long time to eat flavorless meat.

You know, charcoal grills have more of a smoky taste, I find.

Oh, hey, Suzanne.

Suzanne.

Hey, come join us for a burger.

No, thank you.

Oh. You got plans?

Nope.

So far, spending time with Gene hadn't done anything to improve my relationship with Suzanne.

She's always got something going on.

Thanks, Gene.

But I was not about to give up.

The competition for Gene's friendship was fierce, but I was about to drive the basketball straight into the hole.

Oh, row two!

Oh, these are great.

Thank you. Wow.

Great. All right.

Get out of here. [chuckles]

Hey, listen, Gene, do you have plans for tonight is the question.

Okay, well, do you think you could tell Carlos that you need to "reskej" because you have courtside Lakers tickets to the Lakers game tonight!

In the same section as Jack Nickelman from The Shining.

We'll be right near him.

All right, good. Well, I'll pick you up at 6:00.

How about that? All right, best friend.

See you soon. Bye.

[chuckles]

I'm about to win a friend-off. [clicks tongue]

Dude.

[laughs]

Check these out.

This is amazing.

Down in a sec. Can't go to the game without my lucky Kobe jersey.

No, you can't.

Go put that on, please. [chuckles]

Oh, Carlos.

Buddy, I tried so hard to get three tickets.

I just couldn't swing it.

No, no. I understand.

Yeah. Well, you'll probably have fun watching the game all by yourself on TV, right?

You know, maybe you'll even see me and Gene waving at you.

"Hey, Carlos." [chuckles]

No, I'm gonna miss it. I got a date.

Oh, well, good for you.

Yeah, it's with your ex-wife, Suzanne.

Excuse me?

When I found out Gene was busy tonight, I had to make plans.

I'm really excited about it too.

I'm gonna take her to this romantic little spot where I know the chef.

We'll probably get pretty drunk.

Yeah.

And then I'm gonna [bleep] the [bleep] out of her.

Okay. All right.

You can have Gene.

Go to the basketball game. Just stay away from Suzanne.

While I had lost the battle for Gene's best friendship, I had gained something even more meaningful... an excuse to pay a visit to Suzanne.

Perhaps her gratitude at being protected from Carlos would open the door to a new future for us.

Hi.

Forrest, what do you want?

Well, I happen to know that you were canceled on for the evening.

Oh, really? How do you know that?

Well, I don't like to tell you this, but Carlos, your date, was actually only just using you to get back at me.

Why would he do something like that?

Because I was winning a friend-off...

Mm.

And so...

All right. Anything else?

I don't need a thank-you for... for doing it, but I did think...

Yeah?

Since you don't have any plans and I don't have any plans, we can...

What?

I got that guy off your... off your back.

Yeah.

We got a night to ourselves.

All right.

No, but I thought...

[knock at door]

Sorry.

What?

When you said "We got a night to ourselves" do you mean you and I are gonna...

No. Alone.

I just didn't get to finish. I was gonna ask if you wanted to go and get dinner.

No, I got that.

All right. I didn't know...

My closing the door meant I didn't want to do it.

I just hadn't said it, and I didn't know.

Okay. Please. Please.

Okay.

For all the positive aspects of having a best friend, having a best friend can also leave you emotionally vulnerable... a questionable proposition at best.

Having a best friend... 2 1/2 stars.

Our next request comes to us via Twitter from @extracheeseplease.

He says, "Hey, Forrest, Earth is bumming me out these days.

What's it like to go to outer space?"

Wait a minute.

Really? No.

Going to outer space, for real?

The actual... I mean, the real outer space on, like, a rocket ship?

[laughing wildly]

Wow!

Oh-ho-ho.

I mean, I'm more excited about that than anything else we've gotten so far.

You're gonna love it up there.

You should just stay up there forever.

[laughing] I am gonna love it up there.

Yeah, I really am, but more importantly, I think being up in space is gonna give me a great sense of perspective, you know?

Oh, my goodness.

Spaceward ho!

[laughing wildly]

Here we go.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...

I'm going to space.

Bye-bye!

To date, only 525 people have left the Earth's atmosphere.

That's less than 1% of all people who've ever lived.

I'm lucky to be joining that number, and so are you, because unlike other people who have hoarded their experience of going into space, I'm going to be sharing mine.

I paid a visit to 2space... a pioneer in the brave new world of space tourism.

My salesman made it sound like a trip to space was easier than a trip to Mexico... no passport and very little chance of being kidnapped.

Also, I happened to arrive on the last day of a special promotion.

For an extra $100,000, I could bring a companion.

Hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

Where's Mom? Where's Mom?

Well, Mom was saying don't...

Hello, everyone, hello.

Well, hi, Forrest.

Everyone, this is Forrest, my ex-son-in-law.

Nice to see you. We're just having a little party.

I know, I know. And I know that I wasn't invited to the party.

No, you were not.

I'm not gonna stay long, but 75 is a big one, Jack.

So I wanted to bring you a present.

All right. Thank you so much.

Sorry you can't stay any longer.

I'm sorry... actually, I'm sorry.

Can... can you open it now?

Well, uh...

We were just in the middle...

We were just in... uh, okay.

What are you wearing?

Oh, dear, it's a jumpsuit, just like yours.

I hope it fits.

If not, I know who I can give this to.

[laughs] - Thanks so much.

Yeah, but that's not all there is.

Actually, if you open the card, that's... 'cause there's something in there.

You know, this is totally unnecessary.

I wish you hadn't done this.

Well, it's my pleasure.

Yeah, so do I.

75.

That is a ticket to go into space.

What?

Yeah.

I don't understand.

What?

Yeah, it's commercial space tourism.

It's a new thing.

You and I are going to space, Jack.

Do you know this has been my lifelong dream?

I do know that, Jack.

I'm going into space!

What?

You and I together.

I need to speak to you for just one second.

Just one second.

What is going on?

What do you mean?

You're sending my father into space? what is wrong with your brain?

What do you mean by that?

He's 75 years old!

I had no idea that I had to consult with you about presents for your parents.

We are no longer married.

You never gave him a present when we were married.

Because you always took care of that.

All right.

What are you angry about?

I just don't know what you're up to.

I don't know what it is.

I'm giving him...

I don't know if you're trying to impress me.

That is so narcissistic of you to suggest that.

[scoffs]

Look at... look at how happy he is.

Have you ever seen him that happy?

And you think this is about you?

Forrest, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in 75 years.

I gave you two children.

[laughs]

You are great.

You are great.

We're gonna have fun.

All right, hugs are over.

Oh.

Okay.

Drive carefully. Those freeways can be dangerous.

Yeah.

I know.

[laughter] All right.

Great. I'll see you.

I know. It's wonderful, dad.

Where's Eric? I'll see you next weekend, buddy.

All right, bye-bye.

Yeah, I know. It's a wonderful thing.

The beauty of space is that it's pure.

It's a concept, a promise, a fresh view onto Earth.

I believed that in space I could escape the petty suspicions and unfair judgments I was constantly subjected to here.

But my eagerness to get into the dark vacuum of space was nothing compared to Jack's.

Remember there was Gus Grissom, Alan Shepard, Chuck Aldrin, Glenn Armstrong, and then, of course, there was Buzz Armstrong.

Yeah... no.

No, no, wait a minute.

Was it Neil Armstrong?

Neils Armstrong is right.

Okay.

And I remember when those Russians got that slutprick up there before we did.

Oh.

Those were dark times.

Yeah.

This is wonderful.

When we arrived, we met our space family... the three other humans who would join us on our heavenly journey.

There was Bryce Frood, who told me secretly he planned to propose to his girlfriend, Carrie, at 300,00 feet, and the singer and certified cosmonaut Lance Bass, who had raised funds for his trip through an ambitious sponsorship plan.

It would be good to have.

Right?

Were we all supposed to do that?

I wish I had thought of that.

Yeah.

We're gonna be leaving this place, Earth.

We're not gonna be going anywhere near these planetoids or any planetoids, for that matter.

We're gonna be staying right in here.

What will we be looking down on?

Over one thrilling week, the five of us completed an exhaustive series of preparations.

Flock of seagulls.

We signed our life away on numerous forms.

Everybody gets one.

We learned special safety protocols.

One, two, three. Very good.

You know, someday we're gonna live in outer space and live on planets.

I won't be around to see that, and I don't think I want to, but just to read about it is so exciting.

Now hit that three-point safety check.

What?

The three-point...

Yes, they are one, two, three, and out your go.

Okay.

Great. Yeah.

Good job.

Then we spent a day jumping on trampolines to prepare our bodies and minds for zero gravity.

And straddle jump.

Good. Touch your toes, sir.

It was the final stage of preparation we needed for the rigors of space travel.

In no time, the day was here.

I can't believe it. It's really happening.

Up yours, slutprick.

In retrospect, I possibly should have used my extra ticket to bring a cameraman along.

As it was, we had to rely on the video specially produced by 2space.

Welcome to 2space.

It was exciting for me, but for Jack, well, he had spent his whole life dreaming of this moment, never really believing it was within reach.

Life is truly full of surprises.

I love this.

Yeah.

And I love you.

And I want to thank you for bringing me on this trip.

Aw, Dad.

And, Forrest, I want to see you get back together with my daughter.

Aw.

I do.

And as soon as we're off this spaceship, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that happens.

A daughter doesn't listen to anyone more than their pop.

Believe me.

Okay.

Ten, nine...

All: Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Initiate launch.

That's one small step for man...

No. Jack!

Altitude, 300,360 feet.

Welcome to space.

[all screaming] - Oh, my God.

Oh, no! No, Jack!

Jack!

Oh, my God, is he...

Jack, you cannot be dead!

There's no way!

You got to talk to Suzanne!

Jack, you got to talk to Suzanne!

Oh... oh, no.

But he was dead.

My dear viewer, it saddens me to say that Jack's tragic failure to fasten his safety harness had ended the life of this extraordinary man and cast a horrible pall over this journey into space.

But the journey would go on.

Guys, I'm really sorry to do this, but I've kind of promised to promote products, so, uh...

Steak 'N Shake...

Where the steakburger's always out of this world.

U-Haul...

Whether it's one small step or one giant leap, U-Haul will get you there.

Krispy Kreme...

All right, guys, who brought the doughnuts?

Huh?

My fellow travelers had forked over a lot of money for this once-in-a-lifetime experience, so you couldn't blame them for doing what they came here to do.

So...

Wait. Are... are you...

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this is happening.

Bryce.

Will you marry me, Carrie?

Oh, it's gorgeous.

Of course I will. I love you so much.

Is this on tape?

Did we get it on tape?

Wait. Was that...

Uh...

Was that body in front of there the whole time?

I'm sorry, Jack, but I have to do this.

Being up in space is a truly incredible experience.

And looking down on all of humanity, the miracle of life is indescribably profound, and the beauty of our planet is simply awe-inspiring.

My soul exalts at the...

Brace for landing.

At the wonders of our... [thrusters roar]

Universe.

It's beautiful up here.

It's beautiful.

Jack's body was returning to Earth...

We're engaged!

But his soul would remain where he had always wanted it to be...

Lance, how was it?

Eh.

Though I wasn't sure Suzanne would see it that way.

How was it?

I have, uh... I have good news, and I have really, really bad news...

Where's my father?

For you.

Oh, my God.

There were some problems.

Oh, my God.

Where's my father?

Oh, my God!

Jack!

Oh, my God! Jack!

God! [sobbing]

You k*lled my father in outer space?

Well, no.

So what's the good news?

You said there was good news and bad news, Forrest.

What's the good news?

Space was amazing?

You son of a bitch!

I didn't...

Nobody wants you, Forrest!

Get your hands off me, mustache!

Mom!

[sobbing]

Oh, baby.

Daddy.

Daddy's gone!

Daddy's gone!

You monster!

You're a bastard!

My only consolation is that Jack d*ed doing what he loved.

Almost getting into space.

Right.

If you're lucky enough to go into outer space, you'll probably choose to travel without a corpse and will have an even more majestic experience than I did.

Space travel... a very somber five stars.