04x06 - The Wedding

This programme contains strong language and adult humour How much do you put in?

That all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Really get it in there.

That's it.

See what you've done there?

That's good.

You got the flick right.

font color="#ff If you need any help, here's a OK, yeah.

See that?

I'll pop that there for you.

Oh, sh1t, I've found a grey hair.

Grey hair?!



Shall I pull them out?


You just said it was "A" grey What do you mean, "them"?

No, I reckon, embrace it, like silver-fox Lineker style.


He's bollocks, comparing to me.

Jesus Christ, we need to sort this out, it's my wedding day.

OK, just don't get all hot and bothered cos the gel's going to run.

f*ck's sake, Lineker!

Clooney, if anything.

Check the bathroom and see if there's any hair dye.

Hello, guys, you all right?

Hiya, how are you?

I'm best man, by the way, just in case you didn't know.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Take a seat.

Oh, and if you are religious, please kneel on the cushions.

Thank you.

Grindah chose me to be his best man which means I'm better than everyone at the wedding.

Well, apart from me, mate.

Yeah, apart from Grindah, obviously.

How you doing, Paul?

How you doing?

Where's the?

It's Grindah's dad.

All right?

He's well Cameraman, come, you need to get a photo of me and Grindah's dad.


Go on, you can just Cheers.

See you in a bit.


All right, see you.

Nice one.

Can't wait to bang this bit out, do you know what I mean?

This is the best bit, the beginning of your whole life.

For you, because you don't really have a life, innit.

Listen, no-one gives a sh1t about some weird church where you're going, "Meh, let's, like, sing hymns and do weird promises and that!" The main bit ain't the God bit, the main bit's the after-party.

Yeah, Grindah did this proper clever thing where, instead of having a wedding after-party, he was like, "Dead that, "let's have the Kurupt FM Daytime Rave.

" Exactly.

So, think about it, not only are we going to have all the ravers and that there, but you're going to have all the wedding guests as well.

So, it's got the potential to be one of our biggest sets to date.

Probably get a shitload of bookings off the back of this.

It's a very special day for us.

I see you're looking forward to it.

BOTH: Yeah.

No sign of Mich, no?

I'm calling her now.


What's going on with your hair anyway?

There's nothing going on with my hair.

Straight to voicemail Cos if there's anything wrong with my hair, it's because Beats done it instead of Mich, innit?

Oh, yeah, that must be it, man.

It is it, man.

So mouthy.

She ain't picking up.

Leave a message.

Shall I call back?

Call back, leave a message.

Say it's an emergency.

Say something horrible's happened or something.

Hi, Michelle, it's . .


Unfortunately, your nan's had a slight stroke, so if you can get down here as quick as possible, that'd be great.

Thank you.

How's my shininess?

Do we need a bit more powder?

It's all right.

No, it's fine.

Where's Roche?

She's meant to be my maid of honour.

Don't worry, I'll get her.

One of the biggest surprises on And, obviously, you look your very best in white, it shows Please don't mess up my hair because I don't want anythi I ain't going to mess up your bloody hair.

In my dreams, I'll go in and Grindah will just weep.

Please stand.

I just want him to cry.

I just want him to see that I look so beautiful that it hurts his eyes.

You know, he can barely say his vows because he's just so overcome with emotion.

Control it, Stevie, calmly.

Oh, my God, f*ck off!

Grindah got a pony.

You got the pony!


I cannot wait to marry you.

Same, so hurry up.

Sorry, we did discuss this, you need to be on that side.

I'll do the walk again, it's just, I'd prefer for the photos to be on that side if that's all right.

What's going on?

OK, so we're going to reset, guys.

Is that OK?


OK, turn the pony round, Stevie.

No worries.

It's too It's quite a tight space for it to turn.

Flick Well, my dream was always to have a pony at the wedding, cos I think it's just quite, like, a religious symbol, isn't it, the pony?

Jesus got on the horse and rode to the cross and all that kind of thing, and I just want that at the wedding, so you're really

And also it just looks good in the photos.

- Turn her.


- Come on, everyone stand up.

ORGAN MUSIC Are you smiling?

f*ck, yeah, she looks banging.


Can he go up stairs?

Yeah, he can go up stairs.

Are you sure?

Can he go down stairs?

Don't want to get ourselves in trouble.

Right, everyone sit down, come on.

Thank you.

You look different.

Have you dyed your hair?

Nah, it's cos I used different gel, so that's probably what it is.

Well, you look stunning.

Ah, come on, look at you, you do too.

Thank you.

Let's just bang this out as quick as we can, though, yeah?

Y First, I'm required to ask if anyone knows of any reason why these persons should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Can we just speed this up cos I've got some DJs coming down in a bit.

All right Please repeat after me, I, Michelle Louise Coleman I, Michelle Louise Coleman . . take you, Anthony Zografos . .

take you, Anthony Zografos Zogrrrafos is the correct Zogra How about you just let her just say it without having to repeat it cos it will save on time that way, innit?

Cut out the middleman.

Well, I want the priest, cos God signs it off or whatever, doesn't he?

So, yeah.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, then, well, let's just speed it up font color Can we just go for it?

Push the set times back 20 minutes.

OK, cool.

Please repeat after me, I, Anthony Zografos I, Anthony Zografos . .

take you, Michelle Louise Coleman . .

take you, Michelle Louise Coleman . .

to be my lawfully PHONE BLEEPS Sorry.

Could you all put your phones on aeroplane mode, pleas Carry on.

You guys keep them on, it's fine.

Right, so let's go.


- Shall I text you back or is it?

- No.


Keep it down.

Ready, and Could we have the rings, please?

Yeah, sure.

One ring to rule them all!

Come on, hurry up.


Lord Of The Rings.

Yeah, I know.

Down on your knee.

On my knee?



Go on.


Thank you.

Cool, and then Just slide that on.


Thanks, mate.

It's lovely, isn't it?

And by the power vested in me, and by the Church of England, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Ah, thank God for that.

Oh, my God, it's actually official!

APPLAUSE OK, everyone, settle down, please.

Thanks very much, everyone, for putting up with that.

We are running a little bit behind schedule, so if you can get out of here as quick as you can, bang out some photos, then straight to the main event.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Keep it Kurupt.


Let's go, people.

Watch your backs.

Come on.

Start getting everyone out.

Come on, everyone out.

Come on, guys.

Get out.

It's not all about you, you old slag.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to get the bucket.

Oh, get the bucket, it's going to sh1t everywhere.

INTERVIEWER: Where did the pony come from?

Chabuddy G can get you whatever you want, mate.

If you want a pony, I'll get you a bloody pony.

Look at that.

When it drops, it's going to be a bloody epic sh1t, mate.

She's due one any minute, she had a McDonald's on the way here.

I don't judge.

You want a pony, I'm not going to ask what for, you know?

Up to you, mate, I look the other way.

As long as I get my, you know As long as I get paid, mate.

You can f*ck a pony, I don't care.

Eat some grass if you want.

Ugh All right, ladies and gentleman, the bride and groom, Mich and Grindah.

CHEERING But not in the eye.

Oh, kick him while he's down.

And then stomp the balls in.

LAUGHTER What do you expect, then, from Beats as best man?

I need him to make sure whenever I feel there's a minute where it's a bit boring and that, he brings it back up.

I need him to be organised.

I need him to be on the ball.


Do you know what I mean?

Filofax, if he needs one, l You got the gold mic for later, yeah?

Yeah, man, of course.


Good man, good man.

Steve, come on, I need to chat to you.

I f*cking left Grindah's gold mic at the station and we need it for the party.

Oh, sh1t, you left his gold mic?


I could run back to the radio.

Please, yeah.

Get Beats in.

Where's Beats?

All right, sweet.

I'll meet you there in a minute.

All right, mate, thanks, Steve.


Sorry, guys.

Beats, Steve, we'll get you in in a minute.

Sorry, I've just gotta run back to the radio, I left something on.

Steve, where you going?


I left something on.

I think th Do you want the bridesmaids in on this one as well?


Angel, come on, let's get some more pictures.

Ah, yeah, Angel can, yeah.

Come on, Roche.

Put your arm around me.

You're not in this one.


So they can see you, all right?

That's it.

Come in just a little bit closer.

The photos are really important because there'll definitely be magazines and newspapers wanting to buy all the pictures, or websites, you know, whoever wants them, really.

Mich, is it not a bit morbid by a gravestone?


Three, two, one.

But, yeah, I definitely think that some people want them, cos it's a big moment for me and the music industry.

Mich, come on.

Did you get it?

Mum, you take pictures easy.

What are you doing?

All right?

How long are you going to be?

Ready, and Five minutes.


Address is on the flyers.

Also, set times have been pushed back, so quick as you can, people.

Hello, gorgeous.

Who's a gorgeous girl?

- Are you waving?

- Oh, getting on so well.

Clever girl.

Well, I'll just take her back from you at the next venue, yeah?

No, you're all right.

Do you want to go back to Mummy?

Look at that, no response.

She's happier with you.

Dirty feds f*cking hell.

f*ck are they doing?

Outside the flat, innit.

Better get out, there's f*cking feds.


f*cking come downstairs, you're so big with your massive camera.

Does anyone want to take the baby?

Have you seen Roche?

Come on.

Can you get the door for me?


Come on, quick as you can.

We're leaving.

Got to get it all in, so just give me a hand.

Yeah, exactly.

Quick as you can.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, mate?

I didn't think you were getting in cos you normally get in the front.

Yeah, but it's all that traditional bollocks, though, innit?

You're my lovely, gorgeous hubby, aren't you?

Ah, yeah.

Come and give wifey a kiss.



Come on, Decoy.

All right.

Wait, wait, guys, where is Roche?

Whoa, Nelly.

Come on.

Good girl.

Aw, look at you!

I used to have a pony when I was little.


# Let's do it # Ride it, my pony # SHE LAUGHS Is that a song?

Yeah, it's about riding a pony.

But I think it's a metaphor, actually.

You know, I think in the song, the pony is his pen1s.

Oh, right.

But in this case I'm talking about my actual pony, or whichever you prefer, you know.

Weddings are a really great place to find love, you know.

There's a lot of older women, they're starting to get broody, lowering their standards.

Their biological clock is ticking.

Time is running out for them and I'm just there to remind them of that - tick-tock, tick-tock.

Hi, Chabuddy.


MICHELLE: What, we're here already?

Is this it?

GRINDAH: Come on, Decoy, up to the corner, mate.

BEATS: Up to the corner, Decoy.

Up to the corner, Decoy.

Lot of people here, aren't there?

Fair people.

Easy, boys.


Who are they?

That's two of my mates, innit.

Oh, right.

Well, you are so popular, aren't you?

Love it.

People only go to weddings cos they have to.

So, I'm trying to switch that vibe up for my team.

I want people to want it, like, "Aw, I can't wait for the wedding next Friday.

" Like, you'd say about a rave.


Oh Craig David sort of sh1t.

Everyone got their flyers, yeah?

ALL: Yeah And then they can go to the wedding, deal with all the bollocks and then go to the after-party and just go, "Sick!" And then, all they remember from that wedding is how sick Kurupt FM were.

SHE GASPS Oh, my God!

f*cking sick, innit?

Aw, it's perfect.

Hold on, did you just say perfect?

Well, wait till you see what else I got.

Personalised cake, I've done a few additions as well.

It's stunning.

Wow, Mich, that is nice, innit?

Sick, innit?

So nice, innit.

Three tier.

The microphones!

And the bridegroom only looks like Decoy, don't he?

No, not really.

Yeah, he does.

Well, I said if you didn't marry Decoy, I will.

Innit, Decoy?

That's inappropriate today.

That looks nothing like Decoy.

I've got the Mediterranean colouring.

The hair feels a bit different.

So, do you guys want a hand?

It's fine, honestly.

Are you sure?


All right.

What are you going to play, then?

Do it a bit of Bhangra if you want?

All right, yeah.

I'm up for anything, you know me.

You know that, Decoy, don't ya?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all too well.

All right, babe.

I got no gag reflex, you know.


Our people are all coming in now.

Who are they?

I don't know her, do I?

There's free food and that.

Thank you.


Have you got a flyer?

What if we didn't?

Would you not let us in?

Everyone needs a flyer, Roche.

Sorry about all that bit, like, just waiting out there, but it's going to be popping off soon, yeah?

Will we go and find Mummy?

Thank you.

Is your wife in there?

Have you got a flyer?

Are you joking?

I'm standing here holding your baby.

No flyer, no entry, that's the policy.

No, where is your wife?

Hi, thank you, cheers.

Where's your mummy?

Where is she?

Where did she go?

Where did she go?

So are you a fan of weddings?

I'm not a massive fan of weddings, no.

They are a good place to dump your baby onto other people, though, so Yeah.

I've given her half a banana.

Aw I've given her I don't even know what to do.


Do you want to?


We actually said that this is going to be our last one together.

Babies are proper draining, innit?


All right, go to Craig.

BABY CRIES Oh, there we go.


Are they from the bar downstairs?

No, no, no, listen, they're all bloody fans of yours.

It's so wicked, it's my wedding, and I don't know who half the people are - it feels so funny.

Well, they all think you're beautiful, don't you?

Do you know everyone at the reception, then?

Yeah, everyone at the reception are all my friends.

And we had the family at the first bit, friends come later for the rave party sort of thing, do you know what I mean?




Ye Sorry about all the weird wedding sh1t.

The rave's going You've met some I though they were your mates.



I I can't not have mates and not know them.

Quite strange, it's our wedding.

No Look at this.

We haven't done anything wrong.

It's just everything.

Grindah's going to be fuming about this.


Still got the whiteboard, so at least we know what we're doing.

All around you, there's people that are trying to get you and you always have to be thinking about that, so you have to make sure you're secure, you've got to make sure when you're in the street, you're ready to run at any time.


Too clever for them.

Hid it in the safe.

It's the way it is, you get caught snipping, they will take everything they can.

All my nan's money's gone.

They've taken it.

All right, we've just got to go.

We've got the mic, let's just f*cking Just block it out.

Being a best man is a big responsibility.

HE MUTTERS Kevin, mate, you're needed upstairs.

Is it?


And I get nervous talking to people that I've never spoken to before.

Can I get a picture?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

To be honest, writing a best man's speech is, like, probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.

First of all, I just wanted to apologise to everyone that didn't realise this was a wedding thing.

Just bear with us, yeah?

I've prepared a few words, so here goes.

When we first met, I knew you would be my best mate and the best MC in the galaxy.

Putting my feelings about Grindah into lyrics that rhyme Yeah, I have told him it doesn't have to rhyme.

Yeah, but, everything sounds better when it rhymes, Roche.

Does it?

Dealing with radio beats, putting Angel to sleep, the power of our friendship is Fast And Furious levels of deep.




I know you'll be happy, your family too, because every family needs a leader like you.

Um So give me a bell whenever you need me.

You're the best mate I could ever have.

Sincerely yours, Colonel Beatty.


To Grindah!

And Mich.

Oh, and Mich, as well.


Really good.

Loved it.

Come here, you smashed that.

I just want to say Nah, I'm good.

That was beautiful.

Just want to say that I'm in this for life.

Like, even if we get divorced or whatever, once I've calmed down and I'm not fuming at you any more, I'd probably marry you again at the drop of a hat.

Aw, thank you!

Clap then.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE Angel, do you want to say a few words, tell everyone how proud you are of Mummy and Daddy?

Go on, Angel.

Show them your star quality, go on.

Do it loudly.

Thank you for coming.

I hope you have a nice wedding party.

ALL: Aw!

APPLAUSE The speech, mate, I absolutely shelled it, best one of the day.

Not to be too harsh on Angel.

Probably quite disappointed in herself, you know.

Like, I'd probably give myself a solid ten and I'd give her two at a push.

So you think that's Two, just because she made the effort.

OK, Mr Decoy, whoop the rhythm.

MUSIC STARTS Oh, my God, you did it, you picked my best tune.

Yeah, cos you said you liked it.

Thank you.

Is it?


All right.

We are the fairy tale romance, aren't we, yeah?

Yeah, we are.

Well, not fairy tale, cos that sh1t ain't real, but more just real life.

It's our love story.

Should have done our marriage ages ago, don't know why I was being all weird about it, you know what I mean?

You get married and then you live happily ever after.


It's easy.

Simple as that.

Do I do it?


Just carry on.


You wrote me my own song?


This is insane.

Well, Decoy did, but Ladies and gentlemen, the official Decoy wedding dub play remix!

Get us skanking.

Looks like I'm shooting you in the head.

THEY LAUGH We haven't got a honeymoon planned yet, cos Grindah doesn't really like anywhere hot or cold.

So we haven't really got any choices.

But we're just going to be really happy, I think.

You know, that's it, no more worries, we're just going to enjoy the rest of our days together.

RAVE MUSIC PLAYS Where's my gold mic?

I'm not using this.

I got your mic.

I need to talk to you, man.


I need to talk to you.

Steve, help us clear the tables.

We've got to clear the tables.

Yeah, come on.

It's importan Yeah, but tell me later.

It's about the radio.

Not now.

I don't like secrets.

I don't like having that thing, you know, that weird feeling when you have a secret inside you and, like, you can't say it.

I hate that.

I'm all about the truth.

Bruv, I need to talk to you, seriously.

Steve, stop.

Shut up.


You're getting in his head.

It makes me feel weird and I'm not a secrets guy, you know, I'm a truth-seeker.

This is going to be the best night of your life.

Standard new I am the best MC you have ever heard in your whole entire life.

font color="#00ffff Hold tight, Steve.

I think it's time to show them who the best MC in the galaxy is.

THEY RAP This ain't one of them daytime raves where you do yoga and have smoothies Oh, none of that. . .

and a weird DJ in east London.


It's a proper daytime r Do you know what I'm saying?

Listen, you'll feel like it's night-time, do you know what I mean?

Like, proper tunes and that.


Blazing, bare chicks.

Yeah, bare chicks.

Do you know what I mean?

Trust me.

And no mums with kids in the rave, they're dirt.

This is pure corruption in its purest format.



But Mich and Angel will be there, won't they?

Well, yeah, because that's their wedding, innit?

Come on, girls.

Come on, Angel!


What's up?

Chabuddy, by the way.

No worries.

What material is that shirt?

Is it nylon?

Is it nylon?

Is that nylon?

No worries.

BABY SOBS Is she out here?

Where'd she go?

Roche, there you are.

I thought you were going for a dance.

Yeah, I was.

I can't, I'm smoking.

She's your baby.

All right.

Come here, darling.

There you go.

All right.

Thanks, Susan.

Well, that was a little bit of freedom, wasn't it?

Shh, not now, Steve.

Steve, what are you doing on stage?

we're in the middle of a set.

Get off the stage.

Sorry about that, people.

I wasn't the one trying to interrupt, man, when I'm in my miracle zone.

All right, boys?

Decoy, oh, come on, Decoy, for f*ck's sake.

I ain't come in two months.

All right?

Oh, Steve, you couldn't take her for a minute, could you?

I really could do with a little Are you all right?

Yeah, just Sorry, mate.

No everything'sfine.


Everything's all right.


Oh, go on, then.

Ah, thanks.

You're a legend.

BABY SOBS Oh, she's so good with you, Steves.

It's Tanya, right?

Yeah, yeah.


Oh, yeah.

I'm Mich's boss.

Oh, wow.

Boss lady.

Yeah, I'm good.

I've got a really high sperm count.

Did you just say you've got a really high sperm count?


Very, very potent.

I'm just going to forget this conversation ever happened, font color="#00ffff" Yeah, I'm a great dancer, you know.

I've got kind of child-bearing hips.

So, you know, women do twerking, I actually do front twerk, which is just my gusset and my pen1s just kind of shaking, like that.

Very subtle.

Just balls gently going up and down, releasing a scent and letting the women know, hey, I'm available.

Oh, sorry.

You all right?

Yeah, all right, Cha?

How you doing?

I'm doing good.


Yeah, really good.


And then, obviously you combine the front twerk with the shoulders.

Altogether, it's a very powerful look.

I like that.

Shake it, baby!


We're f*cking brilliant!

Basically they took everything.

They took the money as well.

Obviously, like, I'll pay you back and that.

Cos Basically, I owe you four grand now.

We'll just say that, innit.


LOUD RAP MUSIC Are you enjoying yourself?

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, I'm having a bit of a sit-down, cos actually it's not as fun as you'd think, to wear this.

I've never tried it myself.

All right, that's the last one from myself and DJ Beats.

Make some f*cking noise, blood, right now.

They love me.

They love me.

He's good, though, isn't he?

Oh, he's amazing.

Yeah, really good.

He gets his sense of rhythm from me, you know.

Do you think Grindah's similar to his dad?

Yeah, I think Grindah's dad is a DILF, because obviously Grindah's going to turn into his dad, and I can't wait for font color="#00f A Dad that I'd Like toyou know.


He's also a HILF, now, cos he's a Husband I'd Like to I'll tell you what I am, I'm a MILF - an MC I'd Like to f*ck.

Not me, but other people.

Grindah, AKA top MILF.

Give us a leg up, babe.


I touched your bum again.

I know.

You're going to touch more than that in a minute.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.

Right Get in, get in.

I gotta clean all this sh1t up now.

You can't be too careful these days.

We're all being watched by the government, but there's a select few people who can see what's going on.

And that's me.

This is the face of somebody who's seen a lot.

Steven Green?

No, I'm another Steves.

Steven, we need to No.

I'm a different Steves.

Steven Get down!

I'm arresting you What do you mean?

What for, mate? . . for offences committed under the Wireless Telegraphy Act, 2006.

What's that? . . and possession of Class A drugs with the intent to supply.

Do you understand?

One, two, three.


It's in.



Did it at It's quite hard.

Thank you.

I think getting back with Mich has taught me a valuable lesson - it's made me realise that I can do anything I want in life.

And that's what relationships are all about.

Mich'll be there whatever happens, whatever I do.

They'll be there whatever I do.

And now we're ready to shell the game.

I think, you know, relationships always change over time, and it's like you sort of have to just grow with them.

You know, it's also about taking those next steps together.

So, like, now that we're finally married, maybe it's time to start thinking about making Angel a lovely little brother or a sister.


It's about love.

Love just catches you sometimes and you don't even know why, like, you can't explain it.

Make it hard, then.

It IS hard.

Well, thumb it in then, yeah, cos I'm beginning to sober up.

This time next year, I want to be in a bloody mansion, mate.

Just chicks everywhere, parties, we're living the dream.

Ahh Thumb it in.

I am.

I can't even feel it.

Oh, I've come!

I've come, I've come.

You are f*cking kidding me.

We should've got the photographer to do this bit, really, shouldn't we?

It'd be a bit weird for this bit, wouldn't it?

Behind every strong man, there is a woman, and loads of mates and draw But, she's a part of that, d'ya know what I mean?

And without that, it all crumbles.

Come on.

Let's go.

I'm not even a drug dealer.

That's just all for me.

That's my normal amount that I have.

We're young in this game.

Are you getting me?

We've only just started in this game.

Are you getting me, like?

Trust me, we're babies.

D'ya know what I'm saying?

And we're ready to grow like giants out here.

I'm going to make a list of what's been taken.

Oh, shut up.

So, nothing can stop you?


Nah, we're unstoppable.

We're unstoppable, mate, like what's-his-name?

Like, f*cking Keanu Reeves in Speed.


No-one can stop Kurupt FM.