01x09 - Body

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Tonight, the dos and don'ts of personal hygiene, nudity in the change room, and man-hugging.

You smell nice.

This is How Not To Behave.

(Cheering and applause)

Hello, I'm Gretel Killeen.

And I'm Matt Okine.

Welcome to How Not To Behave.

This is the show that takes the guesswork out of how to interact with your fellow humans and teaches you the dos and don'ts of social behaviour.

Yes, we want to stop you wondering and worrying about what to do.

We're going to free your valuable time and your mind, so that you can concentrate on other pursuits, like love, helping injured wildlife, or why does my partner suddenly seem so moronic?

Tonight it's all about the body.

Now, not what you do in your private time, like that moment you used Mum's durry lighter to singe off your nipple hair.

What?!

You know what's wrong with that?

What?

You're old enough to have nipple hair, but still immature enough to try and set it on fire.

It seemed out of place, plus it smells good.

So today's lesson was inspired by something you did do, Matt.

Oh... No, OK, that is me dressed as Sia at the ARIAs.

Right? That's not how I just get out and about town.

It wasn't nude.

Well, OK, it wasn't nude, but if it was nude, I would actually be part of the 27% of men who are totally happy to have their naked body on display compared of only 3% of women.

I know, that's pretty sad actually, So, many people are unhappy with their bodies and they don't want you to flaunt yours.

Is it OK to flash the flesh?

What are the rules when it comes to public and nudity?

Let's head into the changing room to find out.

(Hums)

Announcer: In Europe, nudity is widely accepted.

But in Australia, things are a little more tricky.

The great thing about decoupage is, you got, like, an old wardrobe or, like, an old cabinet...

You can't be naked everywhere in the changing room.

It's only allowed in the so-called 'nudity zones'.

The main nudity zone includes the shower.

You also have a private nudity zone in a 150cm radius from your locker.

When moving between zones, you must cover yourself.

Breaching the perimeter of the nudity zones with your genitals exposed is never acceptable.

When private nudity zones overlap, it is your responsibility to avoid inappropriate contact.

(Laughs)

Never make a joke when nude.

When you're in a private nudity zone, remember that the crucial face-to-butt courtesy distance must never be less than 80cm.

Not respecting these parameters creates unnecessary angst and stress for others.

(Farting sounds)

(Toilet flushes)

We're out of toilet paper.

(Whistles)

Have you ever done the butt bump?

You ever bumped butts in the changing room?

I think men and women are completely different in changing rooms.

Men seem so profoundly paranoid.

Women are kind of relaxed and thinking, 'Isn't it beautiful to be a woman?'

And it's where everything all hangs out. Nobody cares, do they?

I haven't hung around a men's change room for ages, although it was good...

No, I'm kidding!

But apparently other socially-unacceptable activities include blow-drying of genitals... and old men pooncing about like silverbacks.

Now, I'm sorry, but I think that's a bit ageist.

What's the problem with old men being comfortable with their bodies?

If you look on that video, you'll see there's quite a few dad bods in there.

Do you know what a 'dad bod' is?

Yes.

Yeah, OK, so it's like a term coined by a 19-year-old in the States and it's basically like a dude who has a cross between, like, a beer gut but, like, sort of works out a bit.

It's like of you're wanting to enter the real estate market, it's like an entry-level equivalent, do you know what I mean?

It's like a fixer-upper -- you see the potential, you know if he puts some work in, it'll be mint, but...

No, it's not...

you get it while it's cheap right now, that's what it is.

It's not. It's like student accommodation.

That's what it is. Like everything's just dumped around the place and nobody really cares.

It's coined 'dad bod', but it's aimed at college students.

So they're not actually dads at all, it just means that guys get away with being... making less of an effort.

There's no glorification of the 'mum bod', is there?

You know, where our boobs sag down to our knees and... you know?

The pelvic floor becomes the basement.

(Laughter)

I'm sorry, but there you are.

So where are you at with male and female bods?

In terms of nudity, I reckon 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' basically.

Like, we're in a change room, we're all doing it, sure, I'll get it out.

Go on, then.

I'm not... Everyone here... if you wanna do it, go for it.

I can't. I can't take my clothes off.

Why not?

Because I have to breathe in and suck everything in and I could die and the ABC insurance doesn't cover that.

Oh, the body -- you put so much trust into it and then somehow that trust turns into gas and you end up making weird noises in front of your work crush in a big meeting.

It can be quite embarrassing.

But from bad breath to body odour, there are ways to deal with someone whose body has completely betrayed them.

Here is our advice.

Yep.

Announcer: Maintaining personal hygiene is a vital part of interacting successfully with other people.

But how do we address hygiene issues in the workplace?

If a colleague is suffering a cosmetic malfunction, it is your duty to inform them of the situation.

Sorry, you've actually just got a little something on your face.

What do you mean?

No, near your mouth.

No, on the other side. Just...

Announcer: If you haven't established social relationship, the physical removal of the offending item is permissible.

There.

However, interventionist face-cleaning is not acceptable.

They need us much more than we need them...

Look, here, I'll just do it.

Object removal may only be instigated in certain areas, namely, the hair, cheeks and shoulders.

You may never touch a colleague's nose, ears or teeth without proper consent.

If you spot a nasal obstruction, it is advisable to inform your colleague of the situation in the subtlest way possible.

Try a euphemism.

You've just... sorry, you've just got a bat in the cave there.

Oh, oh!

Every now and again, you might find yourself in a halitosis zone.

A colleague's bad breath is hard to address head-on, but can be tackled via the illusion of generosity.

Hey, do you want a mint?

Sure.

Actually, keep them. I've got another packet.

Oh, cheers.

Body odour is a far more sensitive issue.

There is no polite way to tell someone they smell.

Your best bet is to anonymously leave a can of deodorant at their workspace.

Sorry, did anyone... leave this...?

No-one owns...

You certainly can't take matters into your own hands.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Woman: Take it!

See? If you held me down, I'd think that's as*ault as well, OK? I don't like...

Look, I think one man's trash is another man's pleasure when it comes to smell, you know.

And so I prefer to go 'au naturel'.

Personal hygiene is actually affecting the productivity of Australia. Did you know that?

Because people are sitting in their offices so bitter and twisted about this smelly guy down the hall, they're not doing their work.

It's true, you've got to take one for the country.

That's what you've got to do. You know what they're doing in San Diego?

Cabbies have to do a body odour test.

What, as in like their driving test, like know where the streets are?

Have you got enough air in your tyres?

Do you smell?

Really?

I think it's a good idea, myself.

Oh, I feel bad for the cab drivers.

Body odour is a sensitive area that a lot of people don't want to talk about.

And those that do always have the grossest breath.

I don't know why they do.

That is not true.

But we forced those smelly-breath people to talk about it nonetheless and we conducted a poll.

The surprising thing here was the number of people who were happy to tell a complete stranger the equivalent of 'you stink'.

4% of women said they'd just walk up to strangers and say, 'Hey, you've got a body odour problem.'

But more than twice as many men would do the same thing -- 8%.

Would you tell a stranger if there was... say, not that, but if there was something on their face?

Oh, I wouldn't say if they stunk, but something on the face, straightaway.

I'll be like, 'You've got some... Sorry.'

So you would or would not tell anyone at the office if they were a bit stinky?

Oh, well, I wouldn't, but there is one way to do it.

An Albury man started an online business that sends packages of mints to... with customised cards... to your friends who have bad breath.

That is so hurtful.

'Cause if you imagine, if I receive one, how awesome would it be to just like, 'Return to sender.'

Suck it back. sh*t down!

Except for the fact that it's sent anonymously.

So you couldn't return it to sender.

Do you know that 'anonymous' isn't a person?

Alright, now, this show is all about behaviour and I think we're realising most of us behave in ways that help us fit in.

So just how far will we go to avoid standing out and being different?

We sent a hidden camera crew to investigate.

Watch as the completely unqualified, inexperienced, and frankly unbendy Zoe Coombs Marr takes over an unsuspecting yoga class.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to Curva Yoga. I'm Zoe.

Very excited to see some new faces here.

There's lots of different kinds of yoga, particularly there's the form they do in Tijuana, which I think you'll enjoy.

So let's get started.

Namaste.

All: Namaste.

And the Mexican version, 'bee-fah-heeta'.

All: Bee-fah-heeta.

Brilliant.

Just noticing that breath as you breathe in and out.

And taking all of those experiences of the day -- perhaps you spilled a green smoothie on a macrame owl as I did -- whatever your day was, just letting it go.

So, looking at the third eye, just here, so... bringing your eyes in and looking up.

Taking the time to focus the energy on that third eye.

Not everyone can go cross-eyed, but just do your best.

And now putting our hands behind our ears.

Putting your tongue up.

Brilliant.

Lovely. OK. From there we're going to go into the downward-facing pig.

Pushing our hips back, and snort.

(All snort)

Now we're going to do the elephant seal.

Waaaah!

This time, as we come forward, we'll shake our heads around and really loosen all of our face muscle.

Ready and...

All: Aaargh!

This is the drunk tequila worm.

Creating a ripple through the body and really engaging those abdominal muscles.

Trying to keep the gaze on the third eye and just back and forth.

That's a great workout.

Arms out, nice open chest and making your hands into crab claws.

Two steps to the right, starting with the right foot, and keeping those claws clacking.

So, repeat after me, 'I am a crab.'

All: I am a crab.

Clack, clack, clack.

All: Clack, clack, clack.

I am a crab.

All: I am a crab.

Bring our right arm up and then swivel to the right.

(Chuckling)

Swapping arms and swivel to the left. Great.

Now coming up and swapping arms.

And just a little hip, let it go round.

We're just going to do a free-form robot.

Back to the centre. Great.

Bring that up, nice big breath and down into the prayer position.

Bee-fah-heeta.

All: Bee-fah-heeta.

Yes, people lying sideways, people on their faces look like a massive game of Pass The Pigs.

It actually looked like a really good party.

(Chuckles) The robot came out, didn't it?

(Laughs) - I could be a yoga master.

No, you couldn't. Time now to talk body image with our guest.

No, we're not talking to a supermodel or a body builder, or a plastic surgeon.

He's the survivor of a shark att*ck.

Would you please welcome Paul de Gelder.

(Cheering and applause)

Mind you, Paul, you could totally be a supermodel.

Oh, thanks, handsome.

You're flipping' beautiful.

It's nice to meet you.

Can I just start by... what is the etiquette with this?

Well, this is the girl grip.

Shaking hands.

You want me to give you the man grip?

OK.

I got to change it... give it a little flick and then squeeze it a lot harder.

Ow! Ow! I'm not a man.

(Laughs)

I want to experience.

I think that's a bit condescending, having a girl...

You want the man grip too?

Well, look, I do only do it because...

Do the girl grip.

Oh, it beeped.

Yeah, I have to change the grip.

There you go, it's nice and gentle...

You know what happened? His index finger tickled my palm.

And there's the man grip, it gets a little bit harder.

You nancy!

Nah, oi, because my hands are bigger and your hands are smaller and they didn't get gripped as much.

Blaming the tools. OK.

Alright, now, you had a shark-att*ck experience.

Could you tell us what happened?

Yeah, it sucked.

Could you elaborate?

Of course.

Did it suck or bite?

Both.

It was sucking while it bit, that's why it got my hand and my leg.

I was in the harbour at Woolloomooloo.

I was doing what we call 'finning'.

As a member of the defence force.

Yeah, as a Navy diver.

So it grabbed me basically...

Can I stand up?

Both: Yes.

I'm on my back on the surface, I've got my hand by my side like this, sort of doing this with my arms, and it grabbed me from here to here.

Oh, so it got it in one bite.

All in one bite, yeah.

A pig shark.

A bull shark.

Bull shark.

No, I meant 'greedy'.

(Laughter)

The reaction to your physicality hasn't been at all what you expected, has it?

In the street they just stop and go...

How do women react?

It's been up and down, I guess.

I feel very self-conscious about my robotic limbs and the fact that eventually if I get into a relationship, they'll come off in the bedroom.

Do you feel more comfortable with the prosthetics on?

Like if you go swimming at Bondi, do you take them off?

The arm always comes off because it's not waterproof.

The leg is waterproof.

I'm extremely fortunate that I have one of the only electronic swimming legs in the world.

And I did experience going into the water three months to the day after the shark att*ck and I didn't have a leg.

So I had my 8ft board under my arm and I was so self-conscious.

Everyone was staring at me. I had no arm, no leg.

I'm just out of hospital, so I'm all skinny and white and I'm hopping down the sand thinking, 'I won't let this stop me. Everyone is staring at me, I don't care.'

Women's Weekly was taking photos of me or something.

I got down to the water.

The biggest thing I was concerned about was when I put my board in the water, I wished, 'Please don't let me paddle around in a circle.'

(Laughter)

Earlier on the show, we were talking about nudity in the change rooms.

How do you feel about nudity and your body in front of complete strangers?

In the change room, I'm not a fan.

And I have a bit of a complex about it because in the Navy, when I change over from the Army, they approach it very differently.

In the change room, the rule is bare bum is a fair bum.

So I had red handprints on my arse for, like, a week.

So I learnt no, just say no to nudity in the change room.

Is that because they smack you?

Yeah.

And then you got that arm and you're like, 'Payback's a bitch.'

Is that what you're like? Pssh!

Turn on to man grip... (Strains)

You could actually just electrocute them.

Yeah, exactly. It's like throwing the toaster in the bath.

I just take my arm off.

(Laughs)

Thank you so much, Paul.

Pleasure, mate.

As I'm seeing here, there's lots of ways that you can greet people, how do you go with that old 'man hug'?

Are you much of a man-hugger?

Yeah. I am a man-hugger.

Me and my buddies...

'Cause there's lots of ways... Oh!

You've got a different setting on that.

That's the man-hug setting.

There's lots of ways to man-hug and we're going to find out just a few ways of what the rules are right here.

Announcer: If you are a man, greetings can sometimes be tricky...

Hi, Dad.

.. especially the man-hug.

Hi, Trev.

There are rules for man-hugging.

Hi, Dad!

First of all, you must announce the hug at an early stage.

Hi, Dad.

But don't announce it too early.

This will cause fear and panic in your hugee.

And may have unwanted consequences.

Now for the actual hugging.

Once announced, a so-called 'cross-hug' is ex*cuted.

One arm up and one arm down.

However, get this wrong and you risk an over-under hug, which signals romance.

You smell nice.

A minimum crotch-to-crotch distance of 10cm must be observed.

If trouser-touching does occur, discontinue the hug immediately.

I swear, it was my phone.

It was my phone!

To preserve the manliness of both parties, a bro pat may be instigated -- two pats, then separate.

(Applause)

See, that was like an old man/young man hug, but I don't hug old guys, like...

I think it's a younger-guy thing to do.

But it's only a new thing as well.

Like my friends who I noticed started doing it, 'cause it starts the handshake, then it went sort of a shoulder bump, and then now it's a man-hug, and you just got to wonder what's next.

Soon you'll be saying hello by sticking the tip in.

(Laughter)

Just the tip!

Don't make that face.

I am horrified.

But when I was growing up, nobody hugged.

Nobody expressed their emotion whatsoever.

When you hugged members of your family, which rarely happened -- only if someone had d*ed -- you hugged like that so no parts of your body...

Everyone was comfortable.

Even if you met your mother, you'd just shake hands.

There was no hugging.

I remember when a relative d*ed and I said to them, you know, their loved one, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I love you.'

And they said to me, 'Ditto.'

(Laughter)

'Cause they couldn't even express that.

So it's actually great that your generation is hugging everyone.

I remember we used to get in, like, paid out at school, like all the soccer players, you know, if you scored, that hug.

Then it turned into, 'Oh, that's really gay,' and that sort of stuff, and then the same sort of rugby players who used to make fun of soccer players for hugging are now hugging.

So it's kind of evolving into a more of a mainstream thing.

But it's important to know how to man-hug.

Knowing how to man-hug is one thing, but some people just don't want to do it at all, like everyone I know from my upbringing.

According to our poll on how to avoid hugging someone you don't like, 9% will just refuse to hug, 65% will offer a handshake instead and 25% will just hug anyway, but they won't enjoy it.

Even though they don't like it. Where do you sit in that?

If I think someone doesn't want to hug, it really encourages me to want to hug them.

You know, you just want...

I was at a wedding and there was a bloke there that I... I used to date, and he was in a corner and it was barricaded by this 20ft hedge.

I went up -- I just thought it was funny -- and I just went, 'Hi!' with my arms outstretched.

He turned and ran through the hedge.

(Laughter)

Like Terminator 2, just straight through, emerged the other side covered in leaves.

It's surprising, the affection shown in Australia compared to overseas.

When I first went to Ghana, where my dad is from, I was blown away by how many people were just...

Men were holding hands on the street.

That's just what they do with their friends, all touching each other.

Statistics show that men need hugs and physical contact just as much as women do.

One way to lose friends is to enjoy a hug a bit too much.

OK, so we put it to a poll.

6% of women said they get aroused when hugging.

Oh, they do not.

23% of men, almost four times as many, said they also get aroused when hugging.

50% of single men under the age of 34 -- hola -- have become aroused when hugging.

I just want to point out that 99% of men get aroused by just waking up in the morning.

That's true.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

Have you ever noticed a hugging arousal?

No, I have not.

I expect it, but I've never noticed that.

(Laughter)

Our final lesson for today covers an area that is normally only discussed with two-year-olds, or Matt, and, yes, it's toilet etiquette.

How do you mind your Ps and Qs when taking a pee or in a pee queue or whatever?

Let's take a look.

Announcer: When choosing a urinal at work, it is important to consider the comfort of future users.

The left or right urinal is recommended.

Choosing the central urinal will force any newcomers into an uncomfortable position.

When using the urinals with a co-worker, it is important that eyes remain in the safe zone, which gives you a range of 90 degrees horizontally and 60 degrees on the vertical scale.

Keep your eyes within the safe zone and you can talk about anything you like.

I... really liked your presentation today.

Thanks.

It is crucial the safety zone is not breached, no matter the topic being discussed.

Hey, I love those shoes.

For many, passing a bowel movement is one of the top three things you should never do at work.

But if it simply cannot be avoided, there are still strict rules that must be observed.

(Rumbling)

(Farting)

Rigorous waste elimination cannot commence until all co-workers have vacated the bathroom.

(Breathes heavily)

(Moans)

A bowel movement mid-conversation is never acceptable.

Woman: So what do you think of the new girl on the set?

(Farting)

You can try and mask the sound of a splash-down with an audible diversion.

Just be aware, this never works.

(Coughs and moans)

(Coughing and farting)

No, no, the cough never covers anything up, OK?

You need to do the cover-up flush, alright, where you flush immediately as you poop.

The poop... if you time it right, it enters the water like a high diver.

There's nothing, it just... it disappears.

This is such a generational thing.

A bloke I know sent a picture of what you're mentioning -- a photo, 'cause he was so proud of it.

(Audience groans)

Do you know why? It's disgusting.

(Laughs) You don't say.

He thought it was an achievement 'cause it was in the shape of a heart.

(Audience exclaims)

Was that you, Matt?

No, it wasn't me!

Oh, disgusting!

How old was this person?

Your age.

No.

And they sent you a heart-shaped...

They just didn't send it to me, they sent it globally.

Was it at least on Valentine's Day?

I think it may have been.

'Thinking of you...'

There's a poem in there, but I'm not even going there.

That is not the right way to behave at all.

You're right.

Tonight we've explored everything from bad breath to bottom-bumping.

So what rules have we established about the body? Matthew?

Don't manscape with a cigarette lighter.

That's a good one.

Matt really needs to start wearing deodorant, or just stop waving.

Everyone needs hugs, just don't get a stiffy.

And that's it for tonight's lesson.

Join us next week -- I won't be here, Matt will be alone -- for our masterclass in modern manners.

Yeah, you'll need it, just in case you happen to meet your mother-in-law or the Queen.

Or Gretel Killeen. Goodnight.

That is so rude.

(Cheering and applause)