04x29 - Breaking Barb

Evening, campers!

I have a special announcement that might come as a surprise to you all, so please, sallow your food.

Don't want any mountain of brown spit takes.

Please welcome your new camp director...

Hiya losers!

Why didn't I listen?

Every few years, the Southern North East Camp Directors' Conference puts on a director swap program.

The goal is to teach new skills and to broaden perspectives.

Past directors got to swap with the camp for junior pest exterminators, but lucky me, I got Camp Champion.

And I got Kikiwaka, a camp for junior pests.

Well, we accept everyone here.

Well, it shows.

(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(BOTH SIGH)

I really hate when they do that.

I will be subbing as the camp director of Camp Champion for the week, while Barb runs things here.

I'm sure we'll both have a great time.

Oh, I don't think you will.

There's a chain of command over there, and you don't know where I hid it.

Well, there's five broken toilets here, and you're gonna wish I hid those.

(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Have fun, y'all!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Listen up, Camp Kikikaka.

Now that I'm in charge, it's time to turn you losers into champions.

Barb, Noah.

We've met.

Allow me to offer my services as your number two in command.

Yeah, I don't need a number two.

You're just saying that cause you've never experienced a really solid number two.

I just heard it.

Gonna sit down now.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Rise and shine, maggots!

It's time for morning calisthenics.

What's her problem?

Everyone knows that maggots sleep in.

All right.

We're gonna do some rapid-fire push-ups, squats, lunges, crunches.

Then, start the workout.

Line up, weaklings.

I just woke up from a nightmare, where I was drowning in a pit of suffocating darkness.

I miss it.

Barb, what are you doing?

It's : in the morning.

Yeah.

I let you sleep in an extra hour.

How about a, "We love you, benevolent overlord?" As your number two, I'm here to help.

Ugh.

Everyone, drop down and give me .

You heard the lady.

Drop down and give her .

Twenty, what?

- Push-ups.

- Got it.

Is that the one where I stand on my tushie or my tum-tum?

No worries.

I'll improvise.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(STRAINING)

One.

Mmm.

Grassy.

Barb, I don't know about Camp Champion, but here, we like to have fun.

Camp is about enjoying yourself.

My parents always said, "If you're having fun, you're not getting things done." Until they realized that rhyming was fun.

Then they just said, "If you're having fun, you're not accomplishing anything." That one stuck.

- But Barb, that...

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

No excuses.

The whistle has spoken.

(SOFTLY)

We've got to do something about Barb.

Otherwise, no one's gonna last the week.

I don't know.

Maybe we're just overreacting.

Now it's time for my favorite activity.

Pain threshold testing!

I'm gonna need you all to sign some waivers.

Yeah, we gotta do something.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

We're playing our favorite video game.

Ultimate Wilderness Warrior.

It's a deadly test of survival, where you gather supplies, battle the dangers of the wild, and do it all to rescue a pretty princess.

The gender rules are outdated.

But the gameplay's awesome!

A video game that shows you how to survive in the wild?

Uh, yeah!

No game's that realistic.

Uh, this one is very realistic.

Ooh, I'm gonna give these magic coins to that Wizard.

Listen, there's no video game that can prepare you to survive in the wilderness.

You have to actually go out and do it.

Video games can totally teach you about the real world.

How do you think I learned to build an underwater house, or blow things up with a bed?

Fine.

Then I challenge you to a survival hunt.

No food, no water, no supplies.

Just our skills.

You're on.

Finally, all that time playing PPPs and MMOs is gonna pay of in this real-life RPG.

That's what we, in the biz, call lingo.

And I will remain an impartial observer, recording all of my findings.

This is going to be a great psychological experiment.

Hah!

Good luck, Gwen.

I've got tons of experience being an experiment.

Tweet!

Tweet!

Someone stole my whistle!

Yeah!

Tweet, tweet!

Don't worry, number one.

I got your back.

Again, didn't ask for your help, don't want it.

And yet, here it is, unconditional.

Hey, Barb, if you want to know who stole your whistle, we did.

What!

That whistle was handed down to me through generations of Barcas.

My father used it to frighten young children, as did his father, and his father before that.

You guys rinsed it out between generations, right?

Look, if you want your spitty whistle back, you can easily find it by doing this super fun scavenger hunt.

"If your whistle someone did take, "perhaps you'll find it across the lake."

(RETCHING)

It rhymes.

(GAGS)

Hmm.

Maybe you should take the jet ski across the lake to find the next clue.

That sure does sound like something "fun" to do at camp!

This is a waste of time.

There is no way I'm doing that.

There is no way she's doing that.

Though jet skiing is the speed walking of the water.

There is a way she's doing that.

Okay, fine!

I'll do it.

But you two are coming with me.

We can talk punishment for stealing my whistle along the way.

I'll hold down the fort here.

I don't need you to.

This is so us.

Guys, I'm thirsty.

I wish we brought water.

The irony of the great outdoors.

Nothing to drink, yet so many places to be.

This is a survival hike.

Unlike in a video game, in the woods, if you want something, you have to forage for it.

Useful survival tip...

If you're thirsty, you can stay hydrated by collecting dew drops from non-poisonous leaves.

See, refreshing.

Or, it it will be after more leaves.

Hey look, it's an NPC.

What's an NPC?

It's a Non-Player Character.

They help you out with stuff from video games.

But that just looks like someone going for a run in the woods.

Yeah, Finn, stop being ridiculous and come lick some leaves.

Excuse me.

Do you know where we can find something to drink?

Sweet!

Thanks.

Ooh, achievement unlocked.

Sorry, might have lost my gum in there.

Gamers, one.

Leaf-lickers, zero.

Ooh, interesting.

No!

Not interesting!

A total fluke!

MATTEO: Mmm-hmm.

Is leaf licker one word or two?

Four.

(CHUCKLES)

My fault for asking.

So, Barb, what do you think of the scavenger hunt so far?

Well, it was mildly amusing riding that jet ski across the lake to find the first clue.

Especially dodging all those buoys.

Those were campers.

Oh.

So that's why they were screaming.

Yes, I enjoyed that.

Let's see if you can find the next, super fun, expertly planned out clue.

"If you wanna progress to the next fun thing, "then you've got to get it on the swing." So I have to swing to get that clue over there?

I can just walk over and get it.

Please, I worked really hard on the rhyme.

Fine.

So how does this thing work?

You sit on it and you swing.

Yes, but how do you win?

(SQUEAKING)

(SOFTLY)

Okay.

Ready?

Go.

Wait.

What's happening to me?

Oh, no.

I think I feel an upside down frown coming.

That's called a smile, Barb.

(CHUCKLING)

Do you hear that?

She's laughing.

And not in the face of a small child.

Yahoo!

Take that, Mom and Dad!

This is the most fun I've ever had.

Oh, that's right!

I'm rhyming!

Higher!

Higher!

Guys, that scratch I got is getting infected.

Or, at least, I think so.

I can't really find it.

Another survival tip.

You can make a natural remedy out of the mucus of a newt.

The trick is getting the newt to hog a big enough moogie.

Well, can we find a newt with a cold, fast?

I can feel the disease spreading up my arm!

Or was it my leg?

You know what would really help us right now?

A power up.

Your life bar just took a pretty big hit.

Finn, you got lucky at the water, but this isn't the Ultimate Wilderness Warrior.

Just give up!

Hey!

Check it out!

Extra Lite brand first-aid kit.

Man, I'm great at this game.

This isn't a game.

People just hang supplies in trees to keep them away from bears, okay!

Wow.

Someone's being a sore loser.

"Loser" is another gaming term.

I know what it means!

Guys, can someone hurry up and make some tourniquets!

I still can't find the cut, so we should tie off every limb, just in case.

We should really save the game before the Matteo character dies.

What!

So, was that fun?

I have to say, spending the day, not accomplishing anything, except solving dumb riddles, was kind of exhilarating.

You know, Barb, if you're willing to give it a try, there are lot of fun things to do at camp.

There is something I've been wanting to try for a long time.

Your s'more, benevolent overlord.

(MUNCHING)

It's messy.

It's processed.

It's filled with empty calories.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm so bad.

Do you like it?

I love it.

In fact, I want some more.

Hey, I just got that.

Noah, I've changed my mind.

Turns out, I do need a solid number two.

Yeah, I heard it.

And I don't care.

Someone start the music.

On it.

What's your pleasure?

Classical?

Smooth jazz?

I got a great podcast on the history of tables.

Someone else start the music.

I gotcha, Barca.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's get our dance on, partier in crime!

Okay, I want to make it clear, I will not be doing any crimes.

But as long as I get a clipboard, I'm good.

- No clipboard.

- Still good.

Next survival tip.

To find your way home in the woods at night, just follow the stars.

Is what I would say if there weren't dumb clouds everywhere.

Thanks a lot, weather!

We're lost, aren't we?

No, I do not get lost!

"Subject is in denial." (GRUNTS)

(BEEPS)

Subject just hurt my hand.

(BEEPS)

If we were in a video game, I would just look for a hidden map somewhere.

Yeah, but we're not in a video game.

So, there's no way we're gonna find...

- A map!

- Oh, come on!

This is just like level in Ultimate Wilderness Warrior!

That map is really old.

And landscape changes over time.

It probably won't help us at all.

Gwen, just admit you're wrong.

I found water, I found first-aid, and now I found a map.

Video games are all you need to be a survival expert!

Face it, I'm rrr...

I'm rrr...

I'm right.

Wow, that feels weird to say.

It gets easier.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Cool.

We danced till we dropped.

You guys are up early.

Ah, I never went to bed.

And she wouldn't let me go to bed.

I think my feet are bleeding.

(MUSIC STOPS)

We should probably clean this up.

Oh, boring!

That doesn't sound like fun.

I want zipline and do ropes courses.

Ooh, and have you guys ever heard of this thing called reading for pleasure?

I think I'm gonna do mine in a chair.

We could do all that, but first, we gotta take care of some things.

Like breakfast for the campers.

Got it.

Got it.

Or...

Pitch on your pitch.

We turn Woodchuck Cabin into a ball pit.

It's like what you said, but not lame.

See you, buzzkills!

We've created a monster!

You think?

And I had to be her number two.

No, you don't.

This is a made-up position that no one is acknowledging.

But I am killing it, right?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)


Guys, we've been wandering around all night.

We're officially lost.

I told you that map was worthless.

It's not the map's fault.

Whoever designed this environment made it super confusing.

I'm beginning to agree with Finn.

This seems like a really hard level.

It's not a level!

It's life, you donuts!

GIRL: Help!

Hey, what are you doing down there?

Thank goodness someone found me.

I ran away from my birthday party.

My parents wanted it to be princess themed, but I'm more into video games.

Really?

Us, too!

My gamer tag is Shark Finn .

What's yours?

Brain Basher .

I only look sweet on the outside.

Come on, gamers, focus.

I came to this well to make a wish for a cooler birthday, but I accidentally fell in.

So, yeah, eight is off to a great start.

A princess is danger?

An old well?

A perfectly placed vine?

This is gaming .

Finn, I don't know.

This seems a little...

(FINN SCREAMS AND THUDS)

dangerous!

Finn, are you okay?

FINN: Yeah.

The princess broke my fall.

PRINCESS: Really not liking eight.

Well, I hope you guys are happy.

Your video game way of VRVs and ASAPs got us into some real-life OMGs!

And yes, I know that's not the lingo!

Look, I'm sorry, Gwen.

Video gamer love way was what got us into this.

Finn and I should have never questioned your survival skills.

I was wro...

Wro...

FINN: It's gets easier.

You were right.

Darn right, I was right.

Now, you stay here, while I go forage for supplies to make a rope.

Ooh, like a mini quest?

No.

No quests.

Making this rope is gonna take forever.

Where's a dead boa constrictor when you need one?

Wait, are those gold coins?

(TINKLES)

Seriously?

(TINKLES)

Magical coins.

Wizard NPC.

I can't believe I'm about to do this.

- Excuse me.

- Oh.

Well, hello, young maiden.

Weird question.

Do you mind if I trade you these gold coins for your rope belt?

I don't see why not.

Wow, the video game way actually worked.

Thanks, Merwyn.

It's Roger.

Hey, these are my coins.

Must have a hole in my pocket.

- (CHIMING)

- (GROANS)

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

I said I can't talk.

I'm running late.

I'm lost in the woods, and I can't find this ding-dang princess-themed birthday party.

I've always wanted to have a good old-fashioned lawn mower race.

Prepare to eat my clippings.

But I already ate your dust, Barb.

Guys, we have an emergency.

We absolutely do.

She won't let me leave.

Gwen, Finn and Matteo never came back from their hike yesterday.

We've looked all over, but we can't find them.

We have to organize a search party.

Did someone say, "Partay"?

(AIR HORN BLARING)

(CHEERING)

Barb, this is serious!

Exactly.

And I just want to have fun.

Besides, isn't Gwen that feral girl who hangs out with the smart kid?

As long as they don't listen to that third one, they'll be fine.

- But you still...

- Okay, look.

Are you sure Gwen's just not asleep in your cabin?

(LAUGHING)

Right.

I forgot I did that.

New plan.

You go to Camp Champion to get Lou, and I'll head into the woods to look for the kids.

Hey, what about me?

Oh, you stay right there, number two.

It's time to get on the lawn!

- My thirst for power got me here.

- (ENGINE WHIRRING)

Boy, am I glad you came back when you did, Gwen, I thought they were goners.

We're goners!

Oh, thank goodness!

(CHUCKLES)

Gwen, Matteo, Finn, princess!

Wait, why is there a princess?

Don't ask me.

I wanted to be a space pirate.

Well, I'm just glad you guys are okay.

Yeah.

Because of Gwen.

Thanks again for saving us.

You clearly have a lot to teach us about surviving in the woods.

Seriously.

You made this super strong rope out of forest stuff in like five minutes.

That's incredible.

Guys, I have a confession to make.

The truth is...

It was actually more like minutes.

Oh, no!

This didn't solve itself somehow while I was gone?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

List those legs!

I don't hear you smiling.

That's cause my smile is broken.

Oh, who broke my camp?

D-D-D-DJ Barca!

And who broke Barb?

Hey!

You're just in time for my big breakthrough.

I've realized how much fun camp can be.

And now, it's all I want to do for the rest of my life.

Congo with me, Louella!

Be right with ya.

What the heck happened?

I left you with a perfectly evil Barb!

We were just trying to loosen her up a little.

But we may have gone overboard.

Even when Barb's having fun, she has to be the best at it.

We really misjudged how incredibly intense you are.

Aw!

Thank you.

Okay, Barb, it's time to go home.

Oh, boo!

I don't wanna!

It's more fun here.

Okay.

Then I guess you don't care that I let your campers sleep in until : a.m.

So they missed lunch.

No biggie.

Or that I took all the lanes out of your lap pool, so everyone could play Marco Polo.

Well, at least, they were learning some history.

Or that I gave every camper a participation trophy.

You what?

How dare you shower my campers with unearned affection!

There is a finite amount of love, and you're supposed to decide who gets it through a series of gladiator games!

Don't worry, my babies, mama's coming back to rebreak your spirit.

Lou, I just want you to know I fought her the whole way.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, you're right.

I'll go clan up the balls.

Take that, robot squirrel!

Eat my lasers, you forest-dwelling spell master!

Aw, this is the birthday I always wanted.

Hey, Gwen, I thought you were going to take us on another hike.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Julie's parents only drop her off for an hour.

And besides, we're busy pawning some newbs in the sick MMORPG.

That's right.

I learned the lingo.

Well, if you're not gonna take us to the woods, - can we at least have a turn?

- Not right now!

This is a non-skippable cutscene that I can't quicksave till the end.

Gosh!

Excuse me, I've been lost in the woods all night.

Do you have any food?

I have these gold coins.