01x09 - A Priest Walks Into a Bar

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Lucifer". Aired: January 2016 to present.*

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"Lucifer" amuses himself in Los Angeles, where he gets his kicks helping the LAPD punish criminals.
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01x09 - A Priest Walks Into a Bar

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on Lucifer...
CHLOE: Thank you for having my back and for everything.

(g*nshots)

MALCOLM: I could have told everyone the truth. You sh*t me.

DAN: Why didn't you?

MALCOLM: 'Cause I got big plans for you.

LUCIFER: You betrayed me, Maze.

MAZE: Lucifer, I...

LUCIFER: I don't want to hear it. We're done.

(g*nsh*t)

LUCIFER: It seems I'm dealing with a bit of a mortality sitch. I'm bleeding.

AMENADIEL: I'm just realizing the gravity of what you're saying.

LUCIFER: That I'm allergic to lead projectiles?

AMENADIEL:All I have to do is wait for some pitiful thug to end you. And right back to Hell you go.

LUCIFER: People come to me to ask for favors, and more often than not, I'm happy to oblige.

CHLOE: What do you get?

LUCIFER: A devilish I.O.U., if you will.

CHLOE: Who would take a deal like that?

LUCIFER: They all do.

("Eez-Eh" by Kasabian playing)

(sighs)

(elevator bell dings)

(indistinct chatter, clamoring)

♪ I make you mad...♪

LUCIFER: Yeah, fantastic! You're here.

♪ I'm just trying to put the world to rights ♪
♪ And if you want to ♪
♪ I'll take you out... ♪

LUCIFER: Ah, starving! Can't think why!

(laughs) Okay.

Thank you.

Uh, this should, uh, well, this should just about cover it.

(laughs) Have a nice evening.

LUCIFER: Oh, curious. In your line of work, how many times has it happened to you?

You know, like in those wonderful Internet videos?

Your deliveries ending in sex.

DELIVERY GUY: Uh... never.

LUCIFER: Well, that changes tonight. Come! Come on! Come, come! Come.

I'm still on the clock.

LUCIFER: Oh, you'll always be on the clock. But how often will you be here? Hey? Oh, Brittanies! Brittanies, Yeah! Pizza delivery guy. Pizza delivery guy, Brittanies.

Brittanies: Hi!

LUCIFER: Well, go on. What are you waiting for? Have fun. Come on!

Lucifer! Come join us.

LUCIFER: Be right there, darlings.

Brittany: All right.

♪ I'm just trying to set the world alight ♪
♪ You got problems, well, so have I. ♪

LUCIFER: But I didn't join them. Three Brittanies in the Jacuzzi. Three. Why didn't I join them?

LINDA: Why do you think you didn't join them?

LUCIFER: I don't know, Doctor. That's what I pay you to figure out, isn't it?

LINDA: Have you ever considered that all of this excessive partying may be your attempt to fill a void?

LUCIFER: "Attempt"? I filled five voids last night.

LINDA: That's not what I mean. A void in your emotional life. You sound... lonely.

LUCIFER: "Lonely"? Have... have you been listening to a word I've said? I am never alone. I'm constantly surrounded by people. You know? I party whenever I desire. My bed never cold.

LINDA: Lucifer, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.

LUCIFER: Are they?

LINDA: Yes! You may be surrounded by others, but do you truly consider any of those people your friend?

LUCIFER: My friend?

LINDA: A peer you respect. Someone you like to spend time with.

Someone with whom you share a meaningful connection.

LUCIFER: Well, you and I connect quite well.

LINDA: I'm talking personal. What about Maze?

LUCIFER: No. She and I are on the outs, I'm afraid.

Long story filled with betrayal.

You actually make a cameo in it.

LINDA: How about Detective Decker?

Do you consider her your friend?

LUCIFER: (sighs) Well, quite honestly, I... I'm not sure what we are.

("Kitty Hawk (Break Science Remix)" by Ki: Theory playing)

MAZE: Lucifer? Listen, can we tal...?

LUCIFER: I don't have time for traitors.

MAZE: I get you don't want to talk to me.

But someone else is here to see you for a favor.

LUCIFER: Not in the mood, Maze.

MAZE: Trust me.You don't want to miss this one.

♪ You know this world is full of an evil ♪
♪ It'll bury you under the steeple... ♪

LUCIFER: You wanted to speak with me?

♪ So I'm sending this out to all my people ♪

Lucifer Morningstar.

Father Frank Lawrence.

LUCIFER: (laughs) A priest walks into a bar. I've heard this one before. Never seen it, though.

At least not here.

Padre, how did you of all people find me?

FATHER FRANK: Don't let the collar fool you.

I have friends from all walks of life.

People who tell me you're the man to see when you run out of options.

LUCIFER: Ooh, what kind of nasty trouble have you gotten yourself into then?

Pinched too much from the collection basket?

FATHER FRANK: I'm here about a neighborhood youth center.

LUCIFER: Sounds dreadful.

FATHER FRANK: It is... When you realize it's being used as a front for an illegal drug operation.

The center's director, Lenny Arietta, is recruiting kids from my church to move his product.

LUCIFER: Ah, so this is about young boys, of course it is.

FATHER FRANK: One in particular. A kid named Connor. He's had it rough. Lost both his parents at six. Bounced from home to home, some juvie. But deep down, a good kid.

LUCIFER: So, diddling this one, are you?

FATHER FRANK: (chuckles) How about I not dignify that with an answer, and instead ask my favor?

I was wondering when you'd get to it.

FATHER FRANK: I want you to talk to Arietta before Connor gets involved.

LUCIFER: And why not go to the police? Got something to hide, do you?

FATHER FRANK: They were useless. Couldn't find anything on Arietta.

LUCIFER: Why not ask your boss then, hey? The Almighty Himself.

FATHER FRANK: I already have.

LUCIFER: Oh, no luck?

FATHER FRANK: On the contrary, I believe he led me to you.

LUCIFER: I highly doubt that. So that's it, is it? Stop a drug ring to help some kid get out of trouble. What's in it for you? What is it you really want? That dirty dark desire I can see you struggling to hold in.

FATHER FRANK: What I really want...

LUCIFER: Yeah?

FATHER FRANK: .. is to put my fist through Arietta's face.

LUCIFER: Ha! And there it is. Wrath. Ooh, not so high and mighty now, are you?

FATHER FRANK: We all have demons inside.

LUCIFER: My demon tends the bar. So come on, what else are you hiding? Hypocrites like you always have something.

FATHER FRANK: You don't know anything about me.

LUCIFER: Oh, I know plenty. You and I are natural sworn enemies.

FATHER FRANK: So, you gonna help me or not?

LUCIFER: My answer to you, Father, is a big fat no. Handle it yourself.



Chloe: You're lucky I don't have any active cases, or else I'd send this to Narcotics.

LUCIFER: "Narcotics"? No, no, no, no. I don't give a damn about the drug dealer. We're here to investigate the priest.

CHLOE: Priest? I thought we were here to talk to the youth director.

LUCIFER: We are. To get dirt on the priest. He must be hiding something. And what better to way to stick it to dear old Dad than prove that those who speak on His behalf aren't as virtuous as they pretend to be.

CHLOE: You thought it'd be a good idea to rope me into your imaginary family feud?

LUCIFER: Great. Look, am I mistaken or do you catch bad guys? Now, this priest is up to something. Something nefarious... I can feel it.

CHLOE: Last I checked, your feelings don't count as probable cause.

LUCIFER: Well, isn't the fact that he came to me probable cause enough? Or I could just interrogate this youth director by myself.

CHLOE: No, just let me do the talking. Mr. Arietta?

LUCIFER: Hmm. Well, if I were trapped in here with these vile children, I'd lock my door as well.

Detective.

CHLOE: He's dead.

LUCIFER: Wow. Told you the priest was up to something.

(chuckles)



(indistinct chatter)

M.E. puts the time of Arietta's death between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning.

'Cause was multiple hits with a baseball bat.

There are some abrasions on his face.

So it looks like he struggled before he d*ed.

LUCIFER: And I found this.

Ooh, what's that?

LUCIFER: It's a voice modulator. Hey, can you not do that? (distorted): Detective, I am your father.

CHLOE: It's not a toy, Lucifer. It could be evidence.

LUCIFER: Well, I'm impressed.

Looks like the priest handled it himself after all.

CHLOE: We don't know the priest did this.

LUCIFER: Well, maybe you don't.

Man: Detective Decker?

CHLOE: Hold on. Oh, can you take that?

Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, you're the head counselor, right?

Uh, yeah.

Um, Eric Doyle.

CHLOE: Any idea who might've done this?

No.

I mean, everyone liked Lenny.

He was a good boss.

LUCIFER: So, he had no enemies whatsoever, no? Especially any who wear clerical collars?

So you know about the priest.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, that guy's always coming around here and getting into arguments with Lenny.

Hmm.

But he's a priest.

Right.

Mr. Doyle, where were you between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning?

Uh... here.

In counseling sessions with, uh, Nikki and Connor.

Connor?

Well, that's the altar boy from the priest's photo.

So, is it, is it true Mr. Arietta's dead?

Well, duh, dumb-ass.

It is. Yeah.

Did you know him well?

A little, I guess.

He, he, I mean, he ran the place.

Do you know if Mr. Arietta was involved in any drug activity?

(laughing): dr*gs?

I mean, I wish he was.

That would've made him more interesting.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Okay. Enough about the dead guy. Tell me everything you know about Padre Pederast.

Who?

Father Frank.

Did you see him do this?

Do you think he's capable?

Father Frank k*ll Mr. Arietta?

Yes.

No. No way.

Nikki: What do you mean "no way"?

The guy's a creeper and totally obsessed with you.

He's just overprotective.

Ever since my parents d*ed, he feels like he's got to watch out for me or something.

But he's a good guy.

He's just a little... just a little annoying.

See?

Hmm?

Annoying.

Mm-hmm.

When was the last time you saw him?

Uh, he... Here this morning.

Yeah, preacher seemed pretty pissed.

Oh.

Uh, wait, you don't really think that, like, Father Frank did this, right?

100%.

Thank you.

You've been very helpful.

Right.

See? Told you.

No, I hate to admit it, but you might be on to something.

Sorry, what was that?

You might be on to something.

That's him.

Frank Lawrence.

LUCIFER: The most evil of people have the most normal names, I've experienced. Beware anyone named Keith.

CHLOE: Well, his criminal record's pretty extensive. as*ault and battery, disorderly conduct, drug charges.

LUCIFER: See? Not very priest-like.

CHLOE: But nothing in the past ten years. Ah, restraining order filed by Lenny Arietta last week.

LUCIFER: Ah, well, it's funny how Padre Punchy failed to mention a restraining order.

Please tell me now we have enough to bring this priest down.

CHLOE: We have enough to bring him in. You ready to go to church?

LUCIFER: Bringing down a priest is the only reason I ever would. In. Bring him in.

Yes, bring him in so we can bring him down.

(chuckles)

Hey, um, you go ahead.

I'll... I'll meet you downstairs.

(elevator bell dings)

Just something I got to do first.

CHLOE: Hey, so I'm in the middle of something, but I haven't seen you all week.

Are we gonna talk about what happened?

What?

CHLOE: Our kiss, Dan. It's kind of a big deal.

Dan: Right, I'm sorry, Chloe. I've had a lot on my mind.

CHLOE: Yeah. You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. But we should talk.

About everything.

Just not here.

CHLOE: Okay, do you want to do dinner at my place, get takeout?

Yeah. Zhang Chow's?

(chuckles) Zhang Chow... I was just gonna say that.

(chuckles)

Yeah, all right.

Sounds good.

Talk to you later.

Yeah.

Oh, how's it going, buddy?

Malcolm, what are you doing here?

Oh, you didn't hear the good news?

Back on duty. (sniffs)

So soon after, um...?

What, my partner's su1c1de?

(exhales)

Yeah, can't let that keep me down, am I right?

But don't worry.

I already got a new partner.

Yeah, convinced the higher-ups to give me my first choice.

You.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, Dan, you got to try this.

DAN: What's your game, Malcolm? Partners? Are you kidding me?

Oh, well, what better way to keep an eye on you, am I right?

I saw you talking to Decker.

You want to tell her, don't you?

DAN: What, that I'm the one who sh*t you? Why would I do that?

Your conscience.

I know you, Danny Boy.

You forget, this ain't the first time we've been partners.

I looked the other way a few times.

That didn't make us partners.

Sure, it did.

Yeah, and it ate away at you until you finally had enough at Palmetto.

DAN: I didn't have a choice.

Malcolm: No, I-I understand. No, I get it, I get it.

No, you were just protecting that wife of yours.

She saw me, I went for my g*n.

Boom. No, you took me out before I could take her out.


No, no hard feelings.

I understand.

But... the minute you want to come clean, you and I... we both go to jail.

Hmm?

I mean, you... you really want to throw away your marriage?

Watch little Trixie grow up from behind bars?

Think this through, Dan.

With you gone, uh, who's gonna protect Chloe?

DAN: What do you want from me, Malcolm?

Nothing much.

You're gonna go into evidence and borrow something for me.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

("Voodoo Hack" by Strange Daddy playing)

♪ Ghost town on a dirt track♪
♪ I got a yellow moon and a voodoo hack... ♪


Knock, knock.

(chuckles)

Stay here while I look for Father Frank, and don't get into any trouble.

LUCIFER: It's a church! What am I gonna do, pray too hard?



LUCIFER: Hello.

Woman: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been three hours since my last confession.

LUCIFER: Three hours? Speedy sinner, I like it.

No, I just need more guidance.

I'm still having lustful thoughts about another man.

LUCIFER: Splendid. Who's the lucky fellow?

Um, my husband's limo driver.

What should I do, Father?

LUCIFER: Well, my dear, uh, you should embrace your desires.

Really?

Uh, when I was here earlier, Father Frank told me I should be faithful to my husband.

LUCIFER: Well, I don't know why you're listening to that fool. I mean, let's be honest, if you wanted to be faithful, then you wouldn't be fantasizing about your limo driver, now, would you, eh?

You're right.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, no, no, don't feel bad. You have those desires for a reason. You should act on them. I mean, you can always come back here, confess, and all will be forgiven. Isn't that how this system of yours works?

When you put it that way...

CHLOE: Lucifer, what do you think you're doing?

LUCIFER: (sputters) For your penance, ten Bloody Marys and a good shag.

MALCOLM: I know you're there. What, are you watching over me? Like my own guardian angel.

(chuckles) Yeah. Grumpy guardian angel.

AMENADIEL: Forgotten about our deal, Malcolm? Because I brought you back from the dead for a single purpose.

MALCOLM: Yeah, about that, I've... been meaning to ask. Why me?

AMENADIEL: Why you?

MALCOLM: Yeah. I mean, uh, I must be something special for you to go to all that trouble.

AMENADIEL: Come on, don't flatter yourself. You're simply in a unique position to do what I need done.

MALCOLM: 'Cause I'm a cop. That, yeah.

AMENADIEL: Yeah, and because I know you'll do anything to avoid going back to Hell. Now, stop bothering me with these questions and just get to the task I've given you.

MALCOLM: Don't you worry your shiny little head. I'm already on it, all right? Everything's going according to plan.

AMENADIEL: Don't keep me waiting. (chuckles) Patience is not one of my virtues.

MALCOLM:I promise you, I... I got this.

Mr. Morningstar, surprised to see you again.

LUCIFER: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Father Frank, when was the last time you saw Lenny Arietta?

This morning.

Despite the restraining order.

I answer to a higher authority.

Not today you don't.

What happened when you saw him?

We exchanged words.

Things got a little heated.

What were you fighting about?

That altar boy of his, of course.

Why were you fighting over Connor?

Because I'm worried that Arietta's gonna pull Connor into his drug ring.

So, what, you give him a right hook?

Sadly, I did.

And then what?

And then I left.

LUCIFER: Ooh, no, no, no, I think you skipped a part, didn't you? You know, the part where you b*at him to death with a baseball bat?

He's dead?

Oh, Heavenly Father.

LUCIFER: Oh, come on. How gullible do you think we are?

I had troubles with the man, but he didn't deserve to die.

And I certainly didn't k*ll him.

Can you account for your whereabouts between 11:30 and 12:00 this morning?

Uh, I was here.

Taking confessions.

Mrs. Madison had a lot to say, took up the whole hour.

LUCIFER: By chance, does Mrs. Madison have a limo driver?

She does.

LUCIFER: Damn. Just spoke to his alibi.

What?

LUCIFER: The MILF in confession.

Oh, great.

Yeah, as much as I'm sure that followed protocol, I'm still gonna have to question her myself.

Father, I'm gonna need you to come into the station for a statement.

LUCIFER: Well, maybe the padre has a twin brother who also takes confession; that way he could still be guilty.

Lucifer, seriously, will you just...

(tires screeching)

CHLOE: Get down!

LUCIFER: And you wonder why I don't go to church.

Chloe: I caught a partial from the sh**t's plate.

Can you run this for me?

You got it.

Thank you.

CHLOE: So I spoke to Father Frank's alibi.

Checks out.

He was in confession with Mrs. Madison from 11:00 to 12:00. He's not our guy.

(sighs) Well, maybe she's lying.

I mean, you know the sort of people that go to church.

Sinners. (chuckles)

Lab results from the voice modulator came back empty.

No prints, no DNA.

What, so you think this sh**ting and the youth director's death are connected?

We know they have at least one thing in common.

Father, you will be relieved to know that no one was injured.

Oh, thank God.

Please don't.
You care to tell us what that was about?

The sh**ting?

I don't know.

(scoffs)

CHLOE: This wasn't a random att*ck. They were sh**ting at you. But you don't seem surprised. What aren't you telling us?

(modulated voice): Keep your nose out of our business or else.

The voice modulator from Arietta's office.

You should have gone to the police with this.

I assumed it was Arietta, and I'm not afraid of him.

But if it's The Spider...

Spider?

I've heard whispers of another dealer trying to take over Arietta's business.

People call him "The Spider."

Scary, violent reputation.

Do you know who this Spider is?

I don't.

You're holding something back, Father. I can tell.

Lucifer: Hmm?

I have a confession to make.

Lucifer: Finally! Well, the truth will set you free... isn't that what your beloved book says?

I lied when I said Connor was in danger of becoming involved.

He already is. Dealing for Arietta.

What, that's it?

Oh, please don't tell me that's what you've been holding back all this time.

Wait. If Connor's already in deep, why go to all this trouble to protect him?

He's had it rough.

Thinks he can only rely on himself.

He's a good kid, Detective.

There's still hope for him.

CHLOE: Father, you were today's target.

We need to worry about your safety first. Do you have a place to stay? We can offer police protection.

I'm fine right here.

This... is my sanctuary.

Lucifer: Well, your sanctuary just got sh*t to high heaven, Padre.

But if you're looking to lay low, I believe I know just the place.

(women singing Gregorian chant)

♪ Do ya thang, girl ♪
♪ Do ya thang, girl ♪
♪ Do ya thang, girl ♪

Thought this might make you feel more at home, you know.

Sure you did.

Hey.

(exhales)

CHLOE: So, partial plates from the sh**t's SUV came back with a couple matches. But this is interesting, one of them was recently reported stolen outside the youth center.

Oh, you think someone inside's responsible.

CHLOE: I think it's too much of a coincidence not to be, but I ordered traffic cam footage, so hopefully it'll show us who was driving.

Hopefully.

CHLOE: Couldn't resist, huh?

Well, the man deserves some fun.

CHLOE: Or you still want to prove he's a hypocrite.

Well, what can I say?

Temptation's in my nature.

CHLOE: Hmm. And how's that working out for you?

♪ Do ya thang, girl ♪

Lucifer: Padre, does this not bother you?

What can I say?

I love this song.

♪ Do ya thang, girl ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

("Freaks" by Machines Are People Too playing)

(chuckles)

CHLOE: You sure you're gonna be okay in here, Father?

This? Oh, absolutely.

I grew up in places like this.

Oh, I find that hard to believe.

No one's born a priest.

Before the cloth, I was just Frank Lawrence, touring musician.

Really?

LUCIFER: Let me guess... cowbell.

Close. Piano.

Good old rock and roll.

Opened for Dylan, Bowie, the Stones...

LUCIFER: The Rolling Stones?

Yep.

It was a crazy time, let me tell you.

I was a lot like you, really.

LUCIFER: That's literally impossible.

Thought the fun would never stop.

(chuckles)

Then, uh...

Father, you don't have to...

No, no, no, no. Go on.

Car accident.

Ten years ago.

I was traveling with Connor and his family.

Uh, Connor's dad was a drummer, we used to play together.

Another car swerved into our lane and, uh...

Connor lost both his parents that night.

My daughter was with us, too.

She didn't make it, either.

Thought I'd seen some dark days.

Nothing compared to losing my little girl.

My heart just... cracked right open.

LUCIFER: Well, you must have been awfully angry at your beloved God.

I was so... untethered.

Lost.

Turning to Him is what saved me.

LUCIFER: So... hold on. God stole your spawn and then you decided to worship Him?

I can't really explain it, but somehow it made me feel that she was safe.

(laughs)

That's when I discovered my faith.

The church gave me purpose.

It was there that I crossed paths with Connor again. Me, a parent without a child; him, a child without a parent.

♪ I think we had a good time... ♪

We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.

LUCIFER: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?

(phone ringing)

(clears throat) Please excuse me, Father.
LUCIFER: So can we just go back to this absurd notion that you and I are in any way similar?

You're right. We're not.

LUCIFER: Thank you.

I'm probably a much better piano player than you are.

(playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door")

(riffing)

(chuckles)

LUCIFER: D-Do you know anything that doesn't make me want to, you know, impale myself?

Like, uh... Something more upbeat. Something a bit, um... I mean, like, uh...

(playing "Mess Around")

Oh. I think I know what you mean.

Something like that?

Yeah.

Okay.



LUCIFER: Father has got soul.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Oh.

Yeah.

You like to take the top?

Why not?

Excuse me.

(both continue playing, laugh)

Yah!

Hoo!

(both stop playing)

Oh.

Hi. (clears throat)

Hi.

(chuckles) Yeah, well, I suppose that wasn't completely terrible.

Not completely.

(laughs)

CHLOE: Um, sorry to interrupt, but Father Frank's story about The Spider checks out, and I got a lead.

O...

So... kay.

Right, well...

LUCIFER: Well, you stay here. You need the practice.

(laughs)

("Gypsy Cab" by Steve Conte playing)

CHLOE: I talked to Narcotics and one of their CI's said The Spider's rumored to hang out here.

Well, I don't know why you had to bring me along.

CHLOE: What, are you anxious to get back to your new friend?

LUCIFER: (scoffs) Please. The Devil friends with a priest? That's absurd.

CHLOE: It's absurdly adorable. You know, it's okay to admit you like the guy.

LUCIFER: He's everything that I stand against, Detective.

CHLOE: Yeah, well, sometimes we get along best with the people we're most different from.

LUCIFER: What?

♪ Don't wanna be no thug... ♪

Hey.

Look.

Oh.

Little Miss Sunshine from the youth center.

Yeah, Nikki.

What's that she's doing?

Drug deal.

And a smooth one.

Maybe she's The Spider.

Ooh, black widow, then. Lovely.

Wait.

She's giving it to someone else.

♪ Coming back down, done runnin' around... ♪

To Connor.

♪ Cruising past the rehab... ♪

(g*nsh*t)

Get down!

(g*nshots)

(screaming)

LUCIFER: Come on!

Important police work, get on!



(sighs)

Gone.

Great.

And why was the black widow giving her cash to altar boy?

(phone ringing)

You never want to carry dr*gs and money on you at the same time.

Makes you a target.

Or because Connor's The Spider.

Traffic cam footage.

Ah, from the church sh**ting.

So the boy the priest was trying to protect is the one who tried to k*ll him?

Well, isn't that an ironic kick in the cassock.

This doesn't prove Connor's The Spider.

It's pretty damning, Father.

And it's enough for the APB that just went out.

Ah.

Connor's been declared armed and dangerous.

Armed and dangerous?

The boy needs to be helped, convinced to turn himself in.

Father, he sh*t at you.

He fired into a room full of kids.

Yes, but he sh*t up, didn't he?

We'll do everything we can to bring him in peacefully.

If you'll excuse me, I... need some air.

Uh...

I have some digging to do.

Will you watch over him until I get back?

LUCIFER: What? You want me to babysit the priest?

I babysit you all the time.

(sighs)

(exhales)

LUCIFER: (sighs) Need a light?

(chuckles dryly)

No, thanks.

Quit years ago.

Still enjoy the ritual, though.

Always keep one on me.

LUCIFER: Please tell me you didn't come out here to talk to Him.

God?

This is as good a spot as any.

LUCIFER: (laughs) Right. Does He, uh... does He ever talk back?

I don't need to hear Him to... hear Him.

If you know what I mean.

LUCIFER: Well, yes, He never talks to me, either.

Listen, um... sorry about the altar boy.

Surely you know you're not to blame.

I mean, some people are just... beyond saving.

That's where you're wrong.

There's still hope for him.

LUCIFER: He sh*t up your church, he's most likely running a drug ring behind your back, and, oh, yes, k*lled a man.

I don't believe that.

LUCIFER: Look, what if it's true?

Then he needs me even more.

LUCIFER: How can you still have faith in this boy?

God has faith in him.

In all of us.

Even in our darkest moments.

LUCIFER: Oh, you really believe that.

I do.

Why don't you?

LUCIFER: Because He didn't have faith in me.

I felt that way once, too.

But now I know, deep in my heart, God has a plan for me.

LUCIFER: Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.

How do you know it's finished?

(chuckles)

(phone ringing)

Mm.

(huffs)

What?

One of my parishioners, uh, a lot of them are still upset about the sh**ting.

Excuse me.

Yeah.



There.

I got what you wanted from evidence.

Are we done?

Not by a long sh*t.

Partner.

(laughs)

♪ I want them b*ll*ts in brains... ♪

Hey.

Did you leave Father Frank upstairs?

LUCIFER: No, he took a call. I presumed he came down here.

Why would he do that?

♪ Who wants to roll with me? ♪
♪ I need your heart and a kiss ♪
♪ Like this... ♪

LUCIFER: Maze, the priest, have you seen him?

So you're talking to me now?

LUCIFER: Have you seen him?!

He was down here on his phone.

Heard him talking to someone named Connor.

He left to go meet him.

Chloe: He left?

Where to?

Maybe he's trying to convince Connor to turn himself in.

LUCIFER: No. He's probably trying to hide the little miscreant. Put his faith in God, not the police.

Why do you care about a priest?

LUCIFER: I don't.

Where would he hide him?

Somewhere he considers safe, I assume.

Sanctuary.



Father Frank: You don't want to do this.

I know you. This isn't you.

Connor: Sorry, I don't have a choice, okay?

I have to do this.

Father Frank: I get it.

You don't think you can rely on anyone else to survive... but you're not alone.

I'm here for you, whenever you need me.

Connor: I don't need you! Okay?

I don't need anybody!

(whispering): Go on, then, sh**t the altar boy.

Shh.

In the leg or something, obviously.

Doyle: Just do it, Connor.

Pull the damn trigger already.

Chloe (whispering): That's Eric Doyle.

The counselor.

Chloe: That's our Spider.

Doyle: You know, Nikki... I trust.

But you?

I think you're too attached to this preacher.

You're gonna have to show me that you're not.

No sh*t from here.

Father Frank: I know you, Connor.

That drive-by, you intentionally missed me, didn't you?

Stop talking. Please.

Doyle: Make him stop talking.

It's really easy.

You couldn't do it then, and you don't want to do it now.

God's giving you a second chance right here.

E-Enough with the sermon, preacher!

Connor, just sh**t this son of a bitch already.

Just follow your heart, son.

I have faith in you.



(trembling breaths)

I can't do it, Doyle. I'm sorry.

(drops g*n)

I'm sorry, too, kid.

I can't allow weakness, not when I've just taken control.

No!

Father!

(Father Frank and Doyle groaning)

Chloe: Hands up. Get down on the ground.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, you idiot!

(gasps)

The bloody hell were you thinking?

Chloe: This is Unit 831 at St. Morgan's Church.

Chloe: We need two ambos, code 4.

LUCIFER: Don't go anywhere, you moron!

It's okay. I'm not afraid of dying.

LUCIFER: Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're headed.

I hope so. I've had enough excitement for one life.

LUCIFER: Stop talking like that. You've got more to do here. You've got more people to annoy.

Pressure on the wound.

LUCIFER: I am! Just come on, Frank, stay with me, stay with me.

(groans)

Oh, uh... at first...

I didn't understand why God put you in my path.

But then it hit me. (chuckles)

Maybe... He put me in yours.

LUCIFER: I... highly doubt it. (groans) He gave up on me a long time ago.

(panting): You're wrong, Lucifer.

Remember...

your father... has-has a plan.

LUCIFER: My father?

Yeah.

LUCIFER: You know?

(thunder rumbling in distance)

Frank?

Frank!

(whispers): Frank.

(trembling breaths)

(quiet growl)

LUCIFER: Time to pull the legs off The Spider.

(seething breaths)

Lucifer...

Lucifer, stop!

(Doyle choking)

LUCIFER: Why did you do this?

I don't know, man.

LUCIFER: Why?!
He was bringing too much heat!

LUCIFER: Why?! Why...?!

(choking)

Chloe: Lucifer, stop. Father Frank wouldn't want this.

(quiet choking)

Stop.

(yells)

(Doyle panting)

(Connor sobbing)

(trembling breath)

(Connor crying quietly, sniffling)

(indistinct radio chatter)

(siren blares in distance)

(sighs)

Connor gave us everything.

The drug front.

How Doyle took on "The Spider" name and k*lled Arietta to take over the business.

With Connor's cooperation, he won't do much juvie, if any at all.

Maybe Father Frank was right.

Maybe there's hope for him yet.

(exhales)

You okay?

LUCIFER: I'm fine. Good night, Detective.



LUCIFER: (sighs quietly)

(lighter clicks open)

(flicking lighter)

(continues flicking lighter)

(angry yell)

LUCIFER: You... you cruel, manipulative bastard! Was this all part of Your plan? It's all just a game to You, isn't it? Eh? Well, I know punishment, and he did not deserve that. He followed Your stupid rules and it still wasn't good enough! So what does it take to please You? Break Your rules and you fall! Follow them and you still lose?! Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?



(piano playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door")

CHLOE: Dan, I know I wanted to talk, but, um... my mind, it's just...

Somewhere else?

Yeah.

Yeah, mine, too.

(exhales)

Can we do this another time?

Yeah.

(laughs softly) No problem.




(stops playing)

CHLOE: Hi.

Bit late for a new case, isn't it?

CHLOE: (laughs softly) I'm not here for a case. I'm here for you.

Oh.

Really?

CHLOE: Yeah. Thought you could use a friend.

(exhales softly)

(clears throat)

Do you play?

CHLOE: Mm. No. No, I don't.

Come on, you must know something.

CHLOE: No. Uh... (groans) (sighs): All right, well... let me see. I had three years of lessons...

Mm. and this is all I remember. (playing "Heart and Soul")

(laughs) Surely, you must be joking.

CHLOE: (stops playing)

(resumes playing "Heart and Soul")

All right.

(Lucifer playing accompaniment)



("Heart and Soul" continues)

(neon sign buzzing)

(quietly): Mm.

(exhales): Ah...

Mmm.



Enjoying the life I gave you?

(exhales, chuckles)

Hey... did food taste this good before I d*ed?

'Cause I don't remember it being this friggin' delicious.

I don't care what you're doing with your new life, Malcolm... except for what I've asked of you.

What's taking so long?

Come on, come on, chill out, Amenadude.

Here, have some waffles. (sniffs)

Do you want to go back?

Do you... want... to go back?

Because I can make that happen.

Yeah.

You're remembering it now, aren't you?

I bet your 30 seconds in Hell felt like 30 years.

Imagine what eternity would feel like.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

Sorry.

Look...

I got it.

An untraceable g*n.

It won't come back to me.

I'm ready now.

So... (clears throat softly) tell me... who do you want me to k*ll?

His name... is Lucifer Morningstar.
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