01x02 - Sexiled

[bunniefuu]

(FIRE ALARM BLARING)

(GASPS) Fire. Fire!

What?

(PANTING)

Oh, my God, let's get out of here!

Fire! Everybody needs to evacuate. Get out!

Fire! This is not a drill.

Listen, if anyone asks, I think we should say you slept in your own room tonight.

It's just, us sleeping in the same bed and the fact that, you know, we have the same level of attractiveness, no one's gonna believe that nothing happened.

Great. Plus, you're naked.

Aw. You noticed.

Fire!

Woman on computer: The wedge method.

Starting at the outside edge of your breast, work towards your nipple like slicing a pizza, you're checking one slice at a time...

Oh, no! Until the entire area has been covered...

Oh, candy button.

Button, button.

Way to go, Olivia.

I, too, am very diligent about my self-exams on account of my dense breasts.

Dean Berber, hi.

We've a major problem.

Thoreau just got ranked number 11 on a BuzzFeed list.

"Colleges where you'll definitely get an STD."

Now, fortunately, to see the full list, you have to sit through a six-minute energy drink commercial so the clicks are low.

But we cannot afford to cr*ck the top 10.

Um, okay, so, what would you like me to do?

Stop the students from having sex.

Right. 'Cause that's gonna be easy.

(CHUCKLES)

Great.

There's no stopping residents from hooking up.

Sex season's already begun.

What are you talking about? There's no sex season.

You just don't get it, do you?

See, students show up to college alone, scared, not horny.

A few weeks go by, the initial homesickness wears off...

"Maybe it's not so bad being on my own."

"Maybe it's a good chance to reinvent myself."

"Shave the sides of my head, get really into EDM or become a freegan and wear a bra as a top."

He's right. Before I got to college I was a virgin who was really into turtles.

Now I get laid all the time and I hate turtles.

See that? Before you know it Deb invites Greg to an all-you-can-drink Ronas and Ritas and boom!

That is ridiculous.

This is just a bunch of guys and girls cohabitating in one space with raging hormones, and we have to shut it down.

Can you shut down a river?

It's a beaver's only job.

Can you shut down a political movement?

In minutes, by calling the police.

Can you shut down a faucet?

Okay, these are getting weaker, but you get the idea, right?

Haven't you noticed a total increase in boinking lately?

Hey! What's going on? Why are you out in the hallway?

Sexiled.

It's the fourth time today.

It's not even always the same girl. It's not even always a girl.

I've been out here since 4:00 p.m. yesterday.

You're sexiled, too?

Boy: Yeah, we all are.

Wait a second. You guys are roommates, how are you both sexiled?

Leslie farted in there.

We're fartsiled.

Ugh.

Let's say that you're right. We still need a game plan.

We need to stop hookups by any means available.

Encourage romance.

Talking. Just hanging out as friends.

Worst case scenario...

Dry humping.

I have blow-dry.

No. We bring in the heavy a*tillery.

I'm gonna cut it out, you're gonna slow it down.

And you're gonna cover it up.

Let's do this.

One, two, three...

All: No sex!

Hey, where do we keep the beds? (SOFTLY) Keep the beds...

Uh, on the first floor there's a huge bed dispenser.

You just pop in a quarter and turn the crank.

That's cool. Hey, can I get some quarters?

(SIGHS) How'd you get in this college?

My parents built the stadium.

Hey, is this your mom?

Yes, she's off-limits.

Listen, man, why do you need an extra bed?

The triple at the end of the hall only has two beds, so there's a chick without a bed.

Okay, first of all, it's residents, not chicks.

Second, there are no triples in this whole building.

Well, how come I have three chick residents in one room then?

Look, you cannot have three people in a room, okay?

Check the names against the roster and figure it out.

I don't have time for this. I got to go work.

Aren't you just coming from work? What are you...

You have like, two works?

I have six works and my job as an RA.

Whoa! So your family has, like, no money.

Like, you guys are poor.

And here I am asking you for a quarter.

What a d*ck!

And I take it your family has, like, what? Tons of money?

Let me put it this way... Yeah.

Hey, I don't mean this as a joke, have you ever considered stripping?

'Cause when I came in here and you were slipping out of that security guard uniform, I was all like, "Damn!"

I mean, I'm all right. I don't know if I'm like, "Damn!"

No, son, trust me, you're like, "Damn!"

All right, let's figure this out.

(SOFTLY) Something's wrong with you, man.

Separate, please. Sexual relations are strictly prohibited.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, that's right. I'm the cooler, I'm where boners go to die.

See, there's so much more to intimacy than just sex, you guys.

(SIGHS)

Now, I'm going to apply pressure to the crest of the toe.

Does anybody know what pressure point this is?

Um, the boobs?

Uh, no, no, it's not the boobs.

That's a great guess, Ian.

It's the heart.

It is the heart.

See, the foot has over 15,000 nerve endings, okay?

So, after a homemade pasta dinner, this is gonna feel incredible.

(SIGHS) And I can confirm that it does.

My foot is smoother than Hollandaise sauce.

I bet. Thank you, Jack.

And I can confirm that giving a great foot massage has its own rewards.

Ooh!

Sexiled by Leslie?

No way.

Yep.

Well, no, but in a way, yes.

He's alone.

He kicked you out so he can sizzle his bacon?

Wow! This guy is bold.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Um, I'm using this time to read all of the books that were banned from the compound.

Right now, I'm reading a book about black magic.

Hmm. Harry Potter.

Spooky, right?

It is not fair of him to hog the spunk-bunk. Girls have needs, too.

Tyler!

Ew! Ew, no.

(CHUCKLES) No, uh, I... I don't do that.

I have never done that and I'm perfectly fine never, ever doing that.

I feel like I could lift a car.

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Uh... We're... Yeah, we're talking about this heat wave. It's so hot.

Rochelle's never put a nickel in her fuzz box.

Rachel.

What?

You've never snapped your chat?

Never flogged your dolphin?

Never been on an adventure with Dildo Baggins...

Okay, we get it.

You guys have a never-ending supply of masturbation euphemisms.

Stop.

Let's hit that triple.

Yes.

Oh, I owe you a sock.

So, she doesn't have a bed and she's never had one?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Sounds like you got this under control.

I'm gonna go Tinder on the toilet.

Hold it. But I really have to go.

Just hold it for a minute.

But I really want to flirt.

Tyler, help me solve your own problem then you can go swipe your ass off.

So what's this girl's deal?

Um, that's PJ.

I think she's majoring in casino management.

You guys work here?

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Uh, do you know what the cafeteria does with the leftover croissants?

Um... I... I think they cut 'em up into pieces and throw them in the bread pudding.

Ugh, what do they do with leftover bread pudding?

What the hell is that?

This is a tattoo idea of my favorite band, Blink-182.

Boom!

What are you like, 50?

So I get to the bottom of the slide, I get off and my little brother is laughing at me, and I look around and I see my, my swim trunks just coming down after me.

Oh! The same thing happened to me at the beach.

I had a boob out for five minutes and no one told me.

I would have told you.

Not... 'cause not, like, I wouldn't have been, like, looking at your boob, but if I happened to have glanced at it, I would have informed you of that.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, is this your card?

Yes, I mean, maybe. I forgot what it was, but it was red.

(DOOR OPENS)

I need a Gatorade.

Oh, my God, Amy.

I originally tried to make a penis out of the condoms.

But the balls were too big, then I ran out of room...

No, you're using a stapler.

Condoms don't work if there's holes in them.

I haven't really ever used a condom so I guess I don't know the "rules"?

It's fine. At least I saw you before anybody took any.

Oh, this is the second round.

The first batch went in, like, 12 minutes.

(IN ASIAN ACCENT) Everybody horny.

So you're telling me there are 150 faulty condoms in the hands of residents?

During sex season?

No, they're not in their hands.

They're on their penises.

Okay, I'm gonna get Doug and we're gonna fix this.

Great! I'll help.

No!

You're no longer allowed to touch the condoms. Stay.

Don't move!

I hear what you're saying.

Bad Amy. Amy bad.

(SOBS)

Okay, this chick says her roommate's in there boning...

With a damaged condom. Okay, this isn't weird at all.

'Cause it's absolutely necessary for the safety of our students.

We're coming in!

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Doug: Sir, we need you to remove the condom.

Uh, but please enjoy this replacement.

Thank you!

We have a hoarding situation going on in there.

Hey, you don't have to explain it to me. Everybody horny.

Thanks, Charles.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

RA, open up!

(SQUAWKING) Oh, my God!

(SQUAWKING)

I see a Ira, a Natalia... I don't...

There's no PJ in the system.

Well, that's weird.

Whoa!

(SOFTLY) Sorry to sneak up on you.

Hey! You're gonna have to speak up.

Unless this is what you're into, in which case,

(SOFTLY) I'll do it, too.

Okay.

I couldn't say anything back in my room because of PJ, but she's a... a squatter.

I knew something was off about her.

Yeah. Nobody likes Blink-182 anymore.

I was gonna say the "no transfers" thing but, yeah...

Tyler: Hmm...

She just showed up one day and said she was assigned to the room and only wears pajama pants.

Ah! Classic squatter.

Listen, something like this could be very traumatizing, so I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Or a bed to lie on.

Beth, your RA, Tyler, is gonna solve this problem for you.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, so when you said that I'm gonna be helping her, did you mean, you are while I'm hooking up with her?

Tyler, stop being a spoiled brat and help your residents solve their problems!

Nobody's ever talked to me like that.

Is this tough love? 'Cause I don't think that I like it.

I don't think I really care.

Have you ever been in a fight?

Yeah, lots of 'em, you?

No. Let's move on.

Cool.

Okay. So far we've collected 144 condoms and, um...

I don't know what we... I got...

I don't know what this is. Dragon play.

You guys down with Khaleesi?

Amy: No?

Nobody? Seriously?

G-O-T. "All Men Must Die."

"You know nothing, Jon Snow."

Why is no one interrupting me?

All right. So I have 145, 146, 147, and 148.

I got the last one, 149.

I had to tackle the horniest couple in the dining hall, but I did it.

No, that's not right.

Amy do good. Amy pretty.

We still have one unaccounted for. We gave out 150.

What? Okay. All right.

That means there's a couple out there that thinks they're having safe sex but really they're just filling each other with diseases and sperm.

Wait! I think I remember who has it.

Just give it a good yank, it'll come right off.

(SING-SONGY) Ooh! You guys are gonna do it.

Maybe you love each other but it's not necessary.

We can have sex without love is my opinion, so...

Anyway.

Amy, you have to remember their names.

I told you already. They were just two college kids, a guy and a girl.

Not my residents, normal horny level...

Nothing creepy or that interesting about them.

Okay, I can't breathe.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Uh, okay, allow me.

Physical Therapy Masters, 2009.

Here we go. Ready? I'm gonna push.

Just relax.

(MOANS)

(MOANING)

You okay?

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...

Hey, Amy, this is what I want you to do.

Go to your mind dojo, just do that mental stuff you do, okay?

Go.

(SIGHS) Um...

Um... Brown hair.

Uh-huh...

That's a start.

Okay, don't quote me on that.

Okay.

He was shuffling cards and she was holding yarn, maybe knitting stuff?

Okay. All right. Cards?

Playing cards. Magic.

Who likes magic? Mike Shelton.

Yes!

I got it, okay great.

Yarn, knitting. Emily White has her own Etsy store.

It's Emily! Yes! Mike and Emily.

Okay, that's great!

I was hoping they'd get together. They're so cute.

Okay, so their roommates were boinking, so they bonded over being sexiled, but they totally had their own boink vibe brewing, they did.

Let's just go find these two people before they boink with a broken condom.

Copy that!

Let's go!

Tyler, is there something you'd like to tell PJ?

(MUMBLING) We know that you're a squatter and you have to leave.

Speak up! Nobody likes a mumbler.

We know that you're a squatter. You have to leave.

What? I'm not a squatter.

We didn't go over this one, what do I say now?

Look, PJ, you're not in this system. You sleep on a dog bed and according to Beth you're posing as a student for a free place to crash.

What, no! Uh, I eat noodles.

(EXHALES)

I study, and I check my Facebook.

(SCOFFS) Normal college stuff.

Hey! Nobody believes you.

Take her away, college cop!

(BOTH CHEERING) Nailed it!

You can't do this to me! You bitch!

You stupid bitch!

Wow! We've got a real cat fight brewing here, huh?

Come on, man, that's reductive.

(SHRIEKING)

I'll get you! I'll get you! I'll get you!

I respect your bodies and your personal space but I have to insist you get out of each other right now.

Wait... What's going... Is everything okay? Oh...

Are we in trouble or something?

No, everything's great.

Nope. You're fine.

We thought you were boning.

(CHUCKLES) We did.

We did think that but, but now we can see you're having an innocent and endearing dinner of...

Oh! Ramen Noodles and... and, um, iceberg lettuce, I love it. Very resourceful.

Thanks. I took the lettuce from the dining hall.

I'm so glad you guys are just eating dinner and not having the sex.

Oh, I mean, we already had the sex.

Like, um, we had a bunch of the sex all over the room.

Yeah, why do you think we are eating?

We're starving from all the sex we just had.

I really hope you didn't use the condom from the board.

The one with the staple?

Yeah. Yeah...

No! No, we went to the store and bought a bunch.

Who would use a condom with a hole in it?

That's great.

Um, can we have that one back, please?

No.

Please?

Don't worry, we got rid of it. It's definitely gone forever.

This is gonna be a little snuggy on my Dougie.

(CHUCKLING)

What can I get you?

Okay. Okay. Smart kids.

They said forever.

I'm so sorry, you can't... you can't have candles.

No...

It's against the rules...

Can I have the...

No.

This. Are you sure?

Amy: And I need this.

You know that noise that I made when you were massaging me?

Mmm-hmm.

It wasn't a noise-noise, it was, uh...

Oh, please.

No, that was just a noise that happens between two friends when one happens to cause uncontrollable pleasure in the other one's body. It's no big.

Right. Yeah, and you know, I carry a lot of stress in my shoulders.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I know, I felt that when I was caressing your body.

You know what? Let's not talk about it anymore.

Yo!

Can I get like 11 of those? Everybody horny.

Sam, Tyler, nice of you guys to join us.

What you guys been up to all day?

Why don't you tell them, big boy, you earned it.

What was I up to? Well, I don't know, I'm just solving my own problem.

By myself.

RA of the year!

Hey, ya!

Skinny, unfold that sleeping bag.

Butterbean, get that hot plate going.

Jazz Freddy, take a shower, you stink.

First rule of squatting, always squat with someone who looks more like a squatter than you do.

Jess, dog bed.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Springy!

Hello, old bed.

Dad, it's Paula-Jean.

I don't know what happened. But can you just pick me up?

What? Oh!

All right. No, you're right.

(SCOFFS) I'll just take a bus.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

Hello.

On a scale of one to...

Ebola, how dangerous are homeless people?

I can't even begin to answer that question.

I know, it's hard to choose.

I don't even think Ebola's that dangerous.

Really hard to catch.

Anyway, I may have accidentally kicked a resident out to the street and allowed a homeless person to squat in a room, but I think we're safe.

Oh, and in other news, I know you're...

Um...

... all about promoting safe sex, so I've been handing out condoms and I've been telling students to double-up.

Uh, anyway, got to run. Okay.

Woman: A-mark.

Just give it a good yank, it'll come right off.

Not the... well, the condom, but not, not when you put it on your penis.

(SING-SONGY) You guys are going to have sex soon.

Morning sex, afternoon sex, anytime sex.

As long as you got a condom.

These aren't female condoms.

These are male condoms so you have to put it on.

I mean, she can put it on if that's part of your thing, but you know what... do you know what I'm saying?

You guys nervous?

Don't be nervous, doing it.

Penis in some holes.

I don't judge. You know, maybe vag*na, maybe... the butt.

(LAUGHS) Sorry.

Man: Cut! Everybody...

Man: Cut!