01x03 - Conflict Resolution

[bunniefuu]

Oh, this is so bad.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Amy, this fire is amazing.

I cannot believe she did this. It was definitely Amy who did this.

Okay. Thank you guys so much for being here.

I know it's a bummer to give up part of your Saturday, but the university now mandates conflict resolution training.

Okay? Now, with that in mind, I think today is going to be very productive, and I think it's gonna be a great way for us to bond as an RA group.

Uh, how late is this gonna go?

'Cause I'm supposed to be at a party at Rooster's house.

Oh, hold the phone! Whoa, wait.

The annual Cock Jamboree is tonight?

Yup.

No...

All: (CHANTING) Glug! Glug! Glug!

(IMITATING ROOSTER CROWING)

Hey, Olivia, Doug.

Hey, I really think we should reschedule because Cock Jam is the holy grail of chicken-themed parties.

Take a second.

Conflict resolution is one of the most important things we do as RAs.

We're taking people from different walks of life, and we're thrusting them into this new...

(AMY LAUGHING)

Because of thrusting, really?

No. You said, "Taking people," like aliens do.

You're like an alien.

Anyways, the university has hired a wonderful consultant to help guide us through today's training.

Her name is Constance Renfro.

She's an expert in the field of employee training with a specialty in conflict resolution.

She has a BA from God's Glory University and she has a major in theater and religious-based improv.

Okay. Constance, everyone.

(LAUGHING) Hi!

Thank you, Constance.

Oh, thank you so much, Olivia.

Okay, blessings, everyone.

I'm Constance. I am from Hodgdon, Maine.

And I have one question for you.

Who wants to win a pizza party?

Oh!

Oh, great!

Because whichever dorm scores the highest on their evaluation, at the end of the program today, will win a free pizza party!

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

Maximum eight pizzas, one topping each.

How cool is that, huh?

Uh, the cafeteria already has a pizza section.

I eat, like, nine pizzas a day.

Yeah, to piggy back off that, I work at a pizza place right now.

You'd be surprised what they put in the sauce.

Oh?

I wouldn't be surprised.

How about a Band-Aid?

Mmm.

Battery?

Cat tooth?

Hey! Can we please give Constance our undivided attention?

I'm sure she has a lot to teach us about conflict resolution.

(GASPS) You can say that again. (CHUCKLING)

Okay, now first, who here has encountered...

(STOMACH RUMBLING) Um...

Oh, my God. (BURPS)

Oh! Oh.

I'm so sorry. (CHUCKLES) Um...

Oh, you know what, to be candid, I actually grabbed a little bite to eat at, um, um, a Mexican restaurant near here and to tell you the truth, I am not feeling 100 percent.

Oh, Dr. Taco?

I work there right now too.

Tell me you didn't get the carnitas?

Ooh...

The carnitas aren't good.

Um, well what happens if I tell you that I did?

Oh, boy!

Ooh.

Well, this is going to be a very short meeting.

Oh. (SIGHS)

Um, you know, I think, I'm gonna just...

I'll be right back.

Oh, boy.

Through the door.

She's gonna blow...

And then... Oh.

She's going down the stairs.

Look at her go.

(DOOR OPENS)

Okay.

Feeling better. (LAUGHS)

Admittedly. Thank you. Not as much better as I was hoping, but, you know what, I'm going to power through this.

Okay, who loves riddles?

I live to riddle.

Oh, great! Me too!

And I've got one that is going to teach us a lot about helping people get along.

Okay, on one side of a river bank, we have our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Pontius Pilate, and a burlap sack filled with manna from heaven.

And your job is to get each one across to the other side of the river using a small canoe.

It's easy, right? Right? Right?

(GASPS) Not so fast.

Because you can only fit two of them in the canoe at a time.

Now, you can't leave Jesus with Pilate because, you know, well, duh! (CHUCKLES)

And you can't leave Pilate with the manna because he is a fat, evil, greedy pagan who is gonna take it all for himself.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, okay, I see. This is the famous logic puzzle about the fox and the chicken and the bag of grain.

Actually, it's not because this is about Jesus.

Okay, I got it. All right, check it out.

So, you put Jesus in the canoe, right?

And then he tells Pilate not to touch the manya or else God will strike his ass down, and then, you put Pilate in the canoe and then the manya in the canoe and then you're good to go.

Wait, I think it's "manna." She said "manna."

Manna.

Well, we like to say that there are no wrong answers, but that is the wrong answer because Jesus is love.

And he would never tell God to strike down Pilate, he would forgive Pilate.

As it says in Luke 6:37,

"Judge not and you will not be judged."

"Condemn not and you will not be condemned."

(SHOUTING) "Forgive and you shall be forgiven."

So you're wrong.

Well, if Jesus forgave Pilate, then why can't they just share the canoe?

What if you take the manna over, then the Pilate, and then Jesus can walk over because he can walk on water?

Water!

Oh, you got it!

Okay. No, no, no, no.

You're just failing because you're not even trying.

Oh, maybe we should put it in terms of the chicken and...

(SHOUTING) Okay, there's no chicken in this!

There is no...

(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(GRUNTS) I'm sorry.

My stomach is really going through something here.

I shouldn't be taking it out on you kind people because you didn't make me eat that carnitas, right?

Maybe the devil made you do it.

(SIGHS)

Tyler: Okay, I got it.

Take Jesus over, return for Pilate, take Pilate over, but bring Jesus back with you, drop off Jesus, take Monet, take him over, go back, and get Jesus.

(GASPS) You know what, that's actually amazing because that's like the fastest anyone has ever...

Wait. I'm sorry. Were you reading off of your phone?

Biblephone.org.

Doug: Nice!

All right. That's it. Confiscating phones. Let's go.

All right. This is ridiculous. Can I just go now?

No! You can't. Because we're going to get the best evaluation, we're going to win that pizza party and Dean Berber is going to know that we're running the best dorm on campus.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

I don't care.

The Cock Jamboree is the best party of the year, right, Doug?

(CHUCKLES)

All: (CHANTING) Hatch! Hatch! Hatch!

(ALL CHEERING)

It is an insane party, okay.

So, two years ago, this guy fell off the balcony, landed on a Fiat, walked away like nothing happened.

Got up, boom! Just kept going.

It was the coolest thing I've ever done.

Wait. You're the kid in that story?

I'm the guy.

Hey, Doug?

Can we talk outside?

Yeah. I'll tell you how I did it.

Doug, as the oldest RA in the world, the rest of the staff looks up to you whether we like it or not.

Oh. Love it! (CHUCKLES)

Can you please help us bond this team so that we're the best RAs that we can be?

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, but it has to happen naturally. You cannot force it.

I can force it.

No, you can't force it.

See, people need to be in a situation where they bond without realizing it.

Okay, I understand that.

But do you think, just for today, that you can help get us through this?

Please?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

(BEEPS)

Hey, it's... Ugh! These stupid computer-controlled doors.

I swear...

Both: Oh, there we go.

And the residents are going to be okay while we're doing this, right?

Oh, yeah.

(KNOCKING)

Whoa! Oh, uh, okay!

This is my room.

No.

And, ew! You smell like melon and vomit.

This... this is my room.

No!

This is my room.

Okay, he's drunk. I'm gonna call Sam.

Should I call Sam? I mean, this is a legitimate reason to call him, but I don't want it to seem like I'm calling him just to call him, you know?

Like, I want to call him.

Both: (YELLING) Call him!

I'm calling him.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

_

Now, we are going to do some role playing scenarios and these are called "Behind Closed Doors"

'cause, uh, they're potential situations that you would encounter.

All right? So what about walking in on a resident smoking dr*gs.

Mmm.

Okay, perfect, so...

We will have Sam as the RA and, uh, Tyler as the one smoking dr*gs.

Whoo!

Sam: Thanks, Doug. Thanks for the encouragement.

You okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm great. Why?

You're sweating everywhere.

Oh, I'm fine. Thank you so much for asking though.

Hey, Resident, I, uh... I smelled some pot coming from your room.

That's not acceptable. Oh...

You're actually smoking real pot. He's smoking real pot!

Tyler!

What, do you want this to be real or not?

Ancar?

Ancar?

Ancar, I'm gonna call an RA.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

_

Okay, this is bullying.

Oh, hey, what's up ladies?

Hope nobody's being bullied right now...

You are different and so you don't belong here.

That's big talk for a lesbian in a wheelchair.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wait. I'm sorry. Who's bullying who?

No, no. You can't stand up. You're in a wheelchair.

Good catch.

Mmm-hmm.

Ancar?

Ancar?

Ancar! It's been like 45 minutes.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

_

Loud music.

What seems to be the problem over here?

Well, the party of the year is going on right now and you're making us do these stupid exercises.

All: (CHANTING) Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!

No I mean, what is the problem in this improvised situation?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you. My roommate is playing his music way too loud, but I, I really don't care, okay? But if I don't pretend to care, and get this over with, I'm gonna be late to my shift at the tanning salon...

Okay. So, Tyler. I know listening to music is fun, but, you know, this is a shared space, so out of respect for your roommate, can you please turn your music down just a little bit?

Did you just turn your pretend music up?

Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time, very nicely.

Tyler, would you please turn your music down just a little bit out of respect for your roommate Sam?

Doug: Oh, ho, ho!

Olivia, I don't really care about the music.

I do! Turn it off right now or I'm going to report you to the dean.

Ooh! All day.

Guys...

All day.

Turn it off right now or I'm gonna call the police.

Hmm?

I'm gonna call the police!

Oh! Okay. Well, now, I'm plugging in a much larger speaker.

Don't you... don't you plug in that speaker! Don't you... No. No!

Ooh!

Yeah!

Listen to that bass.

Uh! Uh!

Doug?

Uh!

Okay. Uh... All right. You know what?

I gotta turn the power off to the building. It's my job.

Doug, do not turn the power off. Whose side are you on?

I'm on everybody's side.

You can't be on everybody's side.

Doug, if you turn the power off...

Shut it off!

... so help me...

Shuttin' off the power!

(IMITATING POWER DOWN SOUND)

You d*ck!

Screw this! I'm out of here.

Hey, Tyler. If you want to leave, ain't nobody stopping you.

Olivia: No, no, no. I'm stopping you.

Oh, you're stopping me?

You can't go.

I'll help you with the door.

It's, uh, locked I think, so I don't...

Maybe the computer...

Oh!

Well, there goes Cock Jam!

Do you think it's because you turned the power off?

(GROANING) Oh...

Oh, sh**t!

(SIGHS) Much better. (CHUCKLES)

Yo, how long we been here?

Four minutes.

I had a pee before we got here, so...

(SOBBING) My stomach feels like a balloon that needs to be popped.

That's a fart, angel, let it out!

No, I can't. Everyone will hear it.

And probably smell it, but it's okay.

My parents always told me,

"Always treat every room with the sanctity of the church except for the bathroom."

And I would never pass gas in a church, so I can't do it in front of all of you.

We are not in a church.

Well, the Lord's eyes are always on us.

Amy: He doesn't mind. Let it out.

Blast one out for Jesus.

(SOBBING) I can't.

All right, well, I guess we're all stuck here together so we should make the most of it.

Um, anybody got any playing cards? Book of mazes?

Can we just call maintenance?

Oh yeah, sure. Why don't we use one of the phones that you confiscated and then put outside?

Well, what do we do? I'm worried about the residents.

Ah, the residents are fine.

So, I'm a nudist now and you just have to deal with it, Pervez.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

_

Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh!

(SHOUTING) Hey! We're in here! Hey. You! Hey!

Stupid, eco-friendly, insulated, glass doors.

Hey, look at it this way, you know, what a great opportunity we have to all bond together, you know?

Just like you wanted.

And dead end.

(SIGHS) Dude! (CHUCKLES) This is crazy, right?

For real?

What?

You took her side, now you're trying to bro down with me? Forget it.

I did not take her side. We are all in this together. Okay?

And if I want to bro down with you, imma bro down with you.

Oh, you can't bro down with somebody who doesn't want to bro down.

Where'd you hear that? Of course you can bro down with someone even if they don't want to bro back.

Yeah?

Yes.

So you're going to bro down against my will?

I know you want to bro down.

I do not want to bro down.

Yeah, you do.

Get that fist out of my face.

Right here.

Hey, come on, baby.

Pound it.

No!

Come on! Come here!

Get off me.

Get off me.

Come here!

He's trying to bro down against my will!

He wants to bro down!

No, I do not.

I'm gonna get those hands, son.

(GRUNTS) Get him off!

That's, like, really disgusting, relax.

I'm gonna get those hands.

No, you're not. Look, guys, okay. I know we all want to get out of here, okay.

If I don't get to my job at Browntown, they're going to can my ass.

You know what that means? I'm going to have to sell platelets till I make my tuition and I'm already fricking low, all right?

You want to know how bad it is?

I cut myself shaving yesterday and I bled through the bath towel.

All right. We should... we should not be focusing on how to get out of here, we should be focusing on how to become a unit.

Okay. I say, as a unit, we bust down the doors.

No! No hurting the building, that's a "no."

Of course.

We wouldn't want to have you ram your nose any further up the dean's butt hole.

(CONSTANCE GROANING) I'm not up the dean's butt hole.

You live up her butt hole.

Your mail gets delivered to her butt hole.

Can you please stop talking about butt holes?

Oh, I have my phone! I'm sorry, I should've handed it in when everybody else did.

Oh, my God. No, that's great. That's great. Okay, so call maintenance.

No, no, no. Actually, call the campus.

Oh, I don't have service. Let me go outside.

Ow! (CRYING)

Yeah, Amy, it's not going to work because the doors, they're actually...

(GASPS) ... not locked?

Wait, Doug just told us the doors were locked. Did anyone even check?

I thought it would be a really cool, fun way for everyone to bond.

Isn't this cool?

What the (BLEEP), Doug?

(PANTING) Lemme out! Lemme out! Lemme out! Lemme out!

(DOOR LOCK BEEPING)

Uh-oh.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

You don't buy matcha tea, you just rent it. Am I right?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, you really are a piece of work.

Oh, Constance, take it easy.

You just dump all of your things into a bottle, while some of us have to hold on to our things.

Why did you pretend to lock the doors in the first place, Doug?

Oh, come on. Admit it, you thought it was pretty cool, right?

We were all locked in here together. Ah!

No, I thought it was totally frustrating.

Really? Aw, man! How... how could I be so far off?

I literally had daydreams about how cool you guys thought this was.

You guys put me on your shoulders, you carried me out of here going, "Doug, Doug, Doug!"

Doug!

We all end up at this bar, right?

People buy me sh*ts.

This band starts playing on stage and everyone's like,

"Please, Doug, you've got to get up there and start jamming."

And I'm like, "Listen guys, we're just hangin', you know?"

And they're like, "No, please, Doug, one song, just one."

And I'm like, "All right, I might have somethin' for you."

So I get on the mic and I'm like,

♪ Everybody ♪

Doug! We have to get out of here.

There are residents that are unadvised by resident advisors.

Look at the phones.

(CELL PHONES RINGING)

Ancar?

Ancar?

Well, you didn't have to take all the phones.

I took the phones because you weren't taking this seriously.

I didn't take this seriously because this is stupid.

It doesn't have anything to do with being an RA. This is just dumb busy work.

We're supposed to do these exercises for a reason.

To win a pizza party. Pizza for free.

Pizza for zero dollars. No cost. Pizza shows up.

That's the end of the transaction. All expenses paid.

No, that's not actually why we're doing this. You know that, right?

Then I don't know why we're doing this. Can I go?

No, because you locked the stupid the doors.

Okay, how do you know I'm not doing a cool thing like Doug did?

Because we physically can't open the door.

Or can we?

No, they're locked.

Or, are they?

All: Yes!

Okay.

(DOUG SCOFFS)

This is so whack, right? (SCOFFS)

Not givin' it up.

Oh, come on, man, you're still mad?

It's been like 10 minutes.

True dat.

No.

Uh, guys, Constance doesn't look so hot...

(SOBBING) Ahhh! I'm going to die.

And I've never even seen a penis.

Shh.

I could help you with that.

Tyler, no penis.

Argh!

Guys, I'm sorry.

Okay? I should have put more thought into the fact that you guys gave up your Saturdays to be here.

Should have tried to make it more fun, at least brought some diet sodas.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm going to work harder to make this job more fun.

That is what I've learned today.

And if there's one thing that this dry-heaving religious nut on the floor has taught us, it's that we are the ones that need to be in this canoe together.

Lame me, Weird Amy, Black Sam, assh*le Tyler, Old Doug, we all have to figure out how to share this canoe to get to the other side of the river.

"Black Sam"? Like you couldn't have figured out anything else?

"Handsome Sam," "Putting himself through school Sam."

And if there's something that all of us can all agree on, is that this is all Doug's fault.

(GROANING) Yes.

Yes, we can.

True dat.

No!

And now that we've bonded on that, let's figure out how the hell to get out of here.

The computer's locked us in here, right?

There's got to be a way that we can get the computer to let us out.

Well, the lock system would shut down in the case of a fire.

Haunting...

Fire.

A fire.

Okay, smoke detector. You guys...

Human pyramid! Tyler, light up that doobie.

Sam, Amy, we're gonna be on the floor.

Constance?

Yeah?

You've got to get up, sweetie.

You've got to rally, come on. You're gonna climb on top of us, okay?

Hey, Black Sam. I'm on the bottom of the pyramid.

Olivia: Shoulders to shoulders, guys.

Amy: Only weird people and black people on the bottom of the pyramid.

Got it.

Constance: Okay.

We need Doug for this.

True dat.

True dat.

Yeah, come on, let's do this! (LAUGHING)

Whoo!

Got it?

Slow it down, Doug.

All right.

Sam: Just a little bit.

(CONSTANCE MOANING)

Come on, Ty, you've got this, man.

Oh, I'm sorry guys, I'm out of gas.

(CONSTANCE FARTING)

(GAGGING)

(FARTING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(ALARM RINGING)

Is that the fire alarm?

No, that's the carbon monoxide alarm.

Oh, I'm so sorry, guys.

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

No, Constance, you're a hero!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes! Yeah!

Whoa!

(CELL PHONES RINGING AND VIBRATING)

Doug: Yeah!

Hi! Hi, Security. It's Olivia Blunt.

No, no, no, we're fine, someone just set off the alarm.

We're good. Okay, thank you so much.

Right, drunk resident on three...

Aw, somebody locked themselves in the bathroom.

A nudist? Cool!

Hey! Awesome job today.

That was so cool how you pretended like it was all my fault just so that everyone would bond. Awesome.

Yeah. I was.

Hey! After we sort out the residents, you should come to the Cock Jamboree with us.

Oh, really? You don't think that I'd ruin everyone's fun?

Oh, yeah. Good point. Okay, well, have a good night.

Oh, hey, Olivia, you wouldn't ruin my fun, just everybody else's. All right.

(WHISPERING) Ancar?

Ancar! Look, it's just me and you. Come out.