01x06 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

(SCREAMING)

(WOLF HOWLS)

(OWL HOOTING)

Okay, let's see here. Um, Dumbledora the Explorer.

I love it! Happy Halloween.

Oh, uh, French Kiss. Ooh, classic. (GIGGLES)

The Purge. Very nice. Ghost bride, beautiful.

Ah, Great Hatsby. Yes!

My ex-girlfriend! Marissa, what are you doing here?

Well, I texted you like, 20 times to find out what our couple's costume was gonna be this year.

But, Doug, when you change your number you have to let me know.

No, I don't have to let you know.

That is the point of changing your number.

And you can't be in the residents' hall, or within 30 feet of me.

(GIGGLING) I can't see you if I'm outside of the dorm, dummy.

Unless you walk by a window.

But even then, it's so fleeting.

No. You really can't be in here.

Gimme that censor bar. I'm gonna un-censor you.

No. It's censored for a reason. (GIGGLING)

Stop. No. Just get out.

(COMPUTER CHIMES) Livi, is there any way you can get to Ibiza like, right now?

'Cause we just sold Flip Flop for $4.6 billion.

You should download it. It puts any of your photos at the beach.

Wow. I just think it may be a little difficult for me to get to Ibiza tonight, only because I'm so busy here.

They have me in charge of this building that's worth $160 million.

You know, I have always loved how manageable your aspirations are while the rest of us are just over here achieving, achieving, achieving.

Well I... I care very much about achieving as well.

That's why I took this job here, you know.

It's high stress, high stakes. I'm changing people's lives.

Dookie b*mb on level two.

Can you hold one second, please?

No. We spun the dookie wheel and you lost.

There's no point in even having a wheel if you're not gonna honor it.

Um...

So you sound busy. But I'll flip you some flops later from Ibiza, okay, girl?

Okay.

Bye! Happy Halloween!

Okay, bye!

(SIGHS)

Hey Sam.

Hey. Who is this?

It's Marcus.

Oh. What's up Marcus?

Hey, Sam.

Hey. I hate Halloween. (MUMBLING)

Sam.

Hey. Wow, you look beautiful.

(CHUCKLING) Thank you. It's still like, so weird showing my neck...

Hmm?

This is so exciting! My first date!

Um, I mean, um, like our first date.

Of course, I... I've been on so many dates before.

Hey, guys. Guys! Booties or barefoot?

Uh, definitely not barefoot. Also definitely not booties. So...

I have to be on point tonight. Okay?

There are going to be so many girls there that are gonna be dressed up as slutty somethings. I might finally become a man.

Well, if you're looking for booty, go with the booties.

Booties it is. Thank you.

All right. Have fun, you two. And, uh, if you hurt her, I'll k*ll you.

Have fun, sister.

Bye.

Tyler, you look like you need a nurse.

Anything I can do to take away your pain?

Denise...

Deborah.

Debrise, look. Any other night I would happily take you up on it, but it's Halloween, the only night of the year where girls should be scary, not sexy.

Oh, well, I can be scary.

Rawr!

No.

No! Not scary-sexy, actually terrifying.

All I want tonight is for a girl to scare the crap out of me.

Nice try, Amy, but no cigar.

Amy, I can see you. Your eyes, they're blinking.

Hey guy... Purge, nice. Purge, love it.

Sexy kitten. Zombie. You guys are good!

Who is that under there? Who is that? Mikey?

Dave? Robbie? No?

(CHUCKLING) All right. Well, you stumped me.

Take your candy, good sir. Here you go.

Take your candy.

You're gonna eat it right here?

I'm gonna go...

Oh, man.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

That bean is really lodged in there.

Do you have Flip Flop?

Uh-uh.

(SIGHING) You can literally take a picture and put it on a beach.

It is so awesome.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

(PHONE CHIMES) _

(BLEEP)

(PHONE CHIMES) _

(BLEEP)

(PHONE CHIMES) _

(BLEEP)

(PHONE CHIMES) _

(BLEEP)

(PHONE CHIMES) _

Turd balls.

(SCREAMING)

All right, thanks. Let me know.

Hey. I came as soon as I heard.

Any idea why we're on lockdown?

I have no idea.

Okay. You know what? I'll call my buddy in campus security.

He'll know what's up.

Okay.

Phil, it's Weiner. What's up?

Censor bar. You?

(SIGHING) Genius.

He's North West. (CHUCKLES)

What about the lockdown?

Right.

Phil, me again. Hey, any idea why we're on lockdown?

Got it.

A gas station was robbed six blocks from here, so they're locking down the dorms till they catch the guy.

Okay. Gather the RAs and make sure all the residents are accounted for.

Got it.

Here. Take these.

Cool. Oh, hey. I almost forgot.

I grabbed all the Snickers from the variety bag for you.

You pre-sorted a bag of fun-sized candy for me?

Yeah, well, I know they're your favorite.

Thank you.

Aw, so cute.

What's up, Amy?

Amy.

Relax. Just being a wall.

(SCREAMS)

Tyler: No!

Scary, not sexy!

Watch your head.

Hey, I need you to check IDs to make sure every resident is accounted for.

Oh, I'm not on duty tonight.

Sam, we're on lockdown. It's not a request.

Should we maybe reschedule for another night?

Okay, look, this will only take a minute.

Here, take the key to my room.

I'll meet you there in 20 minutes tops, okay?

Okay.

(SIGHS)

(MUFFLED HIP HOP MUSIC)

Come on, guys. I need you in your rooms until I get a check-in from everybody.

I'm like a babysitter.

(THUDS)

Guy on bike: Ohhh! I got an owie.

(SIGHING)

Woman: (WHISPERING) Tyler.

Hello?

Woman: (MOURNFULLY) Tyler.

Hello?

Woman: ♪ The itsy-bitsy spider... ♪

Hey, Tyler. Want to hook up?

You should be ashamed of yourself, Mother Teresa.

(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(MUFFLED) So, I heard the reason we're on lockdown is this crazy chick's tasing dudes in the balls.

(MUFFLED) I heard it's a Haitian dude with a hatchet just chopping away at dudes' balls.

Oh, are you guys talking about balls?

What? No. Leave us alone, weirdo.

Perv.

All right, cool. Catch you later.

'Sup. 'Sup.

All right. Kelsey Johnston, Hawaiian Punch. Nice.

Okay. Mike Bledsoe, Saint Nicolas Cage. Thank you.

Hey, Justine Anderson. Swan Ronson. Love it. All right.

Hey, I still don't know who's under there. Who is that?

Evan Feldman?

Max Granger? No? Who is that?

Hey, all out of candy, bro.

Okay. Have a good, safe night.

Sam, room 125. Okay, got you. Savannah, 214. Okay.

You guys, can we please stop with the beach ball?

You've got to be kidding me.

What? I'm already done with the stupid list. Here.

What are you drinking?

If it's in a red cup you're not allowed to ask what's in it.

(SNIFFING) It's alcohol. Of course.

(SIGHING) All my residents are accounted for. I'm done.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be.

No, no, no, no, no. I need your help writing up all these incidents.

Why do I have to do it? Can't Tyler?

Nope, 'cause I'm writing him up too.

What?

Where the hell is Amy?

She's on a wall someplace, okay? I don't know.

What is the big deal? It's Halloween. Why don't you just lighten up?

Yeah. Okay, I don't have time for this.

I really have to be somewhere right now.

I am so sick of this! Do you think that I like being a buzzkill, huh?

Just because I'm good at it doesn't mean I like doing it.

And if you guys wanna get k*lled by a bank robber tonight, be my guest.

Because I'm gonna be in my room, in my sweatpants, eating a bag of Snickers, that someone so thoughtfully sorted out for me.

So you two can kiss my ass!

(CLIPBOARD THUDS)

(YELLS)

Is it just me or was that completely unprovoked? (SCOFFS)

Oh, hey, Mama T. I'm Leslie, but tonight I'm sexy Peter Pan.

Do you wanna... Do you wanna fly with me?

Go (BLEEP) yourself.

Okay, cool. I'll see you later when you're feeling more charitable.

Guy 1: (MUFFLED) College Halloween is the best parts of college mixed with the best parts of Halloween.

Guy 2: (MUFFLED) Pretty sure this is going to be the best night of our lives. Ah!

(SIGHING) You would not believe the night I've had, Rachel.

Um, Rachel?

(KNOCKING)

Penny for your thoughts?

Good news, the penny's chocolate.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Hey...

Do you ever feel like we're getting too old for this?

(CHUCKLING) No. Are you joking?

A girlfriend of mine from high school sold her company for $4.6 billion.

I pulled a bean out of someone's ear.

No way. What kind of bean?

It was like a little green bean.

Oh, my God. Like a little edamame?

Mmm-hmm.

Crazy.

I'm just starting to feel like I'm wasting my time babysitting a bunch of idiots.

You know, I should be in Ibiza right now, celebrating my corporate triumph.

Corporate triumphs are cool. I mean, everybody knows that, right? But...

You're watching over these young people during the most transformative time of their lives.

You can call it babysitting, but I call it life forming, which sounds much cooler.

And look, hey, I will take you to Ibiza at the end of the school year.

You'd take me to Ibiza?

Yeah. Even better, I've been saving up my money to go to Tahiti.

I got it all planned out.

Live in a hut, with air conditioning, eat pineapple and coconut all day, and teach a beach monkey how to sign.

And then, every week, there'd be a trunk full of M&M's that would wash on shore, just because.

Yeah. Yeah, I like that.

Oh, but did you know in Tahiti that the women only wear coconut bras?

Oh, really? Because I hear the guys have to wear pineapple pants.

That's true. Yeah.

Would it be just the two of us?

Well, and the monkey.

But human-wise, yeah, just... just us.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Ah, it's Phil from security. I should get it.

Hey. Are we all clear?

Okay. See you later.

They saw the robber on the security camera near Hutcherson.

They think we may have locked him in here.

What? Well, do we have any idea what he looks like?

Let me check.

Me again.

Nuh-uh! What? King size Kit Kat? Which house?

Doug!

Right.

Hey, hey. Do you know what the guy looks like?

Copy that.

Okay. They said he's wearing a Purge mask, so he'll be easy to spot.

Well, I'll be damned if I let some robber endanger the safety of my residents during the most transformative time of their lives.

Now you're getting it. Don't worry, security's on their way.

If the robber's in here, I will sniff him out because I know everybody in this building.

Lift your masks, hotshots.

Lift 'em up!

Cecilia, Peter, Tucker, you guys are good.

Ray, what the hell, man?

I told you the first day of the year I was gonna be the censor bar.

(LAUGHING)

Not cool, man.

Nice booties.

Look, if you're gonna make fun of me too...

I'm... I'm serious. I love Peter Pan.

Hey, you're... you're sexy Tinker Bell.

I was just going for Tinker Bell, but I appreciate the compliment.

You do? Really? Because no one appreciates my compliments.

(LAUGHS) What's your name?

Uh, it's... Leslie, actually.

Shut up. My name's Leslie, too.

Really?

Yeah.

Wait. What's your favorite fruit?

Ready? One, two, three...

Peaches.

Peaches.

(SQUEALING) I knew it! Whoa!

Okay, you are not allowed to ask what's in this.

Please don't tell my moms and dad.

I'm sorry about tonight, okay?

Oh, so you're not gonna bust me?

I mean, I'll probably get in huge trouble if I don't, but no.

I don't wanna do that to you.

Well, I don't want you to jeopardize your RA job, or your spaghetti sailor job, or your library job, or...

Listen, if you name all my jobs, we'll be here all night.

(EXHALES) I saw your schedule.

You scheduled our second date for the night of Thanksgiving.

(SIGHS) I knew that was a bad idea.

You'll probably be too tired from the turkey.

Uh, no. Um...

What I mean is...

We don't even know what this is yet, but I think we both know that you just don't have time for it.

Oh, coconut bra.

Pineapple pants.

Doug.

Yeah.

Olivia: Who is that? Why is he just staring at us?

Just a weirdo who's been following me around all night trying to get free candy.

Olivia: Doug, who is it? What does he want?

It's just a weird guy who's trying to take things that aren't his.

Both: The robber!

Oh, why is he coming here?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

That was awesome!

You saved my life, Olivia!

Doug! There you are.

Yeah! Officer Phil!

This is my hero right here, Olivia Blunt.

Nice to meet you.

Who's this? That's the robber.

What do you mean? They caught the guy. Had a gunfight with him.

They sh*t him 19 times.

Anyway, I only came by to see if you wanted in on this, okay?

There's no way I can finish this bad boy on my own.

This is ridiculously big. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Oh, my God, that is so nice.

Look at all that chocolate goodness.

I know!

We gotta hang out more, man.

Dude, I've been thinking the same thing. I would love that.

You guys, then who's this?

(GRUNTS)

Right. Um, this...

(MOANING) Who is this?

Oh, my God. Marissa?

(WHEEZING) Doug? Oh, you came back for me.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not what happened.

Oh, yes. You went away with that other girl and then you decided to turn around and come back for me. Oh!

Oh.

So, like, you guys are a thing now, or what's that?

Well... Um...

Nice. Nice, Doug.

You don't even have the balls to break up with your girlfriend before stepping out with some hussy.

Is this a resident of this dorm?

No. No, she's not, Officer Phil.

All right, miss. Now look, I don't have my handcuffs 'cause I don't feel like North West would wear them, but I am gonna walk you out of here now.

What? No. This isn't the last you've seen of me, Doug.

Okay? 'Cause I work here. I'm in the cafeteria.

So if you need, like, an orange juice, or, like, a little muffin, you have to come to me.

All right? So I will see you. Oh, and it was really nice to meet you, Olivia.

(SIGHING)

So that's your type.

We went on one date. In 2006.

She's actually really mellowed out a lot.

Yeah.

What a dud.

Not a single scare.

Holy (BLEEP)! (SCREAMS)

Oh! (SOBBING)

Got ya!

(LAUGHING)

Holy (BLEEP) Amy, that was amazing!

I've been waiting here for four hours.

I peed in your bed.

Totally worth it.

Ah. I've peed in a lot of people's beds.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

4.6 billion for this app.

I get it. It's pretty fun.

(CHUCKLING)

Anyway, I should get going.

Or, you know, you could... you could stay.

We could, like, watch a movie or something.

I like that plan.

Yeah.

Let's watch a movie.

Cool.

What do we have?

I got Step Up 2: The Streets.

Ooh!

Step Up 3D.

Um, Never Say Never, the Bieber documentary.

Okay.

Uh, G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

Um, I don't have the first G.I. Joe, so we'd have to watch the second one.

Okay. Still...

Okay.

Still a classic.

Still good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...

Speed Racer.

Speed Racer.

The cartoon. Not...

I have the cartoon. Yes.

Not the Emile...

(BOTH GROANING)

Sorry, Emile.

Okay.