01x07 - The Fire

(FIRE ALARM BLARING)

(SNORTING)

Ugh, what am I late for?

Fire!

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Oh! How do they always know?

Oh, my God, Amy...

This is your greatest scare yet.

Fire.

What?

Fire!

Wait...

Amy, this fire is amazing!

I cannot believe she did this.

It was definitely Amy who did this.

Olivia, you have to come out here and see this.

I think there's a dead body in the hallway.

This is gonna be so awesome. (LAUGHING)

She's gonna be so scared.

I think we're supposed to leave.

Oh...

(SCREAMING)

Fire! Fire! Everybody needs to evacuate! Get up!

Fire! This is not a drill!

Listen, if anyone asks, I think we should say you slept in your own room tonight.

It's just, us sleeping in the same bed and the fact that we're the same level of attractiveness, no one's gonna believe that nothing happened.

Right. Plus you're naked.

Aw, you noticed.

Fire! Get out!

Whoa... Oh!

Fire! This is not a drill! Come on! Come on!

Aw! Please get your pen1s off my nose.

Ah, there's no time! Ah! Ah (WHIMPERING)

(CACKLING)

You guys! Wait for me.

Stop! Wait!

(CHUCKLES)

Hutcherson Dorm is on fire.

Please send every fireman that you've got.

I need hoses, and ladders and Dalmatians...

Oh, when did you stop using Dalmatians?

Hey, hey, it's okay.

It's okay.

Can you please take your hand off my ass?

You got it.

Who's this?

Ooh! (GASPS)

(BARKS)

What's that? There's a fire? Where?

(BARKS)

In here?

(BARKS)

And all the residents are in danger? And it's our job to save them?

(BARKS SOFTLY)

Well...

What are we waiting for? Let's go!

Morris, Hays, Hudson... All right, where's Mike Shelton?

Gosh, probably jacking off in his room again.

I'm right here.

Oh, hey man, good to see you. Glad you're okay.

Hey, Rachel, look...

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Oh...

Okay. Cool, just think about it. Let me know.

This is so bad.

I knew you were gonna say that, but I promise to walk him and feed him. He's my responsibility.

Can I keep him, please?

I don't care about the dog.

We set fire to a 160 million dollar building.

But, you got everybody out safe.

They'll be proud of you for that.

No. No, they won't. They're gonna be looking for someone to blame.

Trust me, Thoreau isn't like that.

We're a family and what matters is the family is safe, not who's to blame.

We are here to assign blame.

That's what matters.

We will not have any preconceived notions of who is responsible for the fire at Hutcherson Dorm.

(COUGHS) Olivia Blunt.

As I mentioned before, this is merely a fact-finding mission to determine what happened to the crown jewel of Thoreau College.

This is a private hearing, not a criminal proceeding.

Although, when we figure out who did this, we may casually let it slip to the police and our lawyer so we can sue them until they are homeless.

I will now turn things over to Fred Flaterman, the premier fire investigator of his generation.

Dean Berber, that's very flattering.

Now, we're here today because of a fire.

But what is fire?

Fire is hot.

And fire is scary.

(WHISPERS) I'm glad he didn't call on me.

I didn't guess either of those.

In a controlled environment, fire can bring a man warmth, cook his food, or melt wax over his lover's bare skin.

But in an uncontrolled environment, fire is a rageful bitch, hungry for flesh, thirsty for blood...

If we could just get to the blame.

Yeah, sorry, my bad. Uh...

It's come to my attention that a series of systematic failures allowed the fire to spread as quickly as it did.

Now, it's my job to determine if anyone here...

Such as Olivia Blunt.

Right. Such as Olivia Blunt, should be held responsible.

Now, I'd like to start with a fact that I think you'll all find quite illuminating.

This is not the first time the fire alarm has gone off in Hutcherson.

To elaborate on this, I'd like to call Tyler Stone to the stand.

Uh, let the school record show that there is no stand, because this is not a court of law.

Even though someone is definitely going to jail for this.

Mr. Stone, is it true you set the fire alarm off in Hutcherson with a marijuana cigarette?

No.

Tyler, light up that doobie.

(MOANING)

Come on, Ty. You got this, man.

Aw, I'm sorry, guys. I'm out of gas.

I tried to, but this religious chick dropped the beef-bomb so bad it set off the carbon-monoxide alarm.

Wait. There was an explosive device of some kind?

No.

She pooted.

She cut the cheese.

She ripped ass.

(FARTING)

(FARTING CONTINUES)

(MOANS)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

I see. An episode of flatulence.

Can't say I haven't been there myself.

But before this, Olivia encouraged you to light a joint in the dorm?

She didn't not encourage me.

Ms. Willard.

May I call you Ms. Willard?

Sure.

May I call you Ms. Willard?

No.

Ms. Willard, we have several witnesses who say they heard the fire being attributed to you.

Amy, this fire is amazing!

I cannot believe she did this. It was definitely Amy who did this.

Why is that?

That's 'cause this seems like something I'd do, but I did not.

Well, if it wasn't you, do you have any idea who would do it?

That's what I wanna know.

If I can just figure out who the Fire Lady...

(SNEEZES AND FARTS)

Uh, bless you?

Let's move on to the next person.

But, I didn't even...

Not a request. Not a request.

Mr. Parker, thank you for being here today.

I know you are a very busy man.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, one second.

Ah. This is work. Do you mind if I...

Hello, this is Sam.

That's my work voice.

What? No, Julianna was supposed to...

Eduardo doesn't...

We can just come back to you, son.

I don't know, maybe she's actually sick, Theresa.

Rachel, uh, you were found inebriated the night of the fire.

Now, did any of your RAs know you were drinking in the dorms?

(EXHALES)

So, you're not gonna bust me?

I mean, I'll probably get in huge trouble if I don't, but no, I don't wanna do that to you.

Can I plead the Fifth?

No.

All right, well, let me rephrase.

Have any of your RAs shown a known disregard for the rules by participating in school-related drinking?

Welcome, residents, to the rager-to-end-all-ragers!

(CHEERING)

Okay, now to kick things off, I'm going to take five shots of vodka.

Count 'em out. Okay.

Ready, set, drink!

(CROWD COUNTING)

Who's ready to party!

(CHEERING)

Can we talk about something else?

My parents are polygamists.

Ms. Flowers...

Uh, just Leslie is fine.

Please.

I'm an old-fashioned guy who likes to treat his ladies with the respect they deserve.

Sir, I'm not a lady.

Well, that's not what's listed here in the university registry.

That's Ms. Leslie Flowers to you!

Bam!

Now, Ms. Flowers, where exactly did Doug Wiener's balls hit you?

How is that relevant to the fire?

Dean Berber, the lady witness is being non-responsive.

(STAMMERING) I am responding and I'm not a lady.

And now she's being hysterical.

I am not getting hysterical...

Ms. Flowers, will you please just answer the question?

We all have families we'd like to get home to.

Ms. Flowers.

Show me on the doll where Mr. Weiner's balls hit you.

(SPECTATORS GASP)

No more questions.

I'd like to call Mr. Doug Weiner.

I know they're coming for you, but they're not gonna get you on my watch.

(EXHALES) I got this.

Mr. Weiner, where were you when the fire started?

I was in my room, alone, on my bed.

So, it's safe to say you were m*st*rb*t*ng when the fire started.

No, that's not what I said and I believe the record will reflect that.

Stenographer, please read back the witnesses testimony.

(BLEEP)

Sorry, I was writing a short story.

Come on, Carol. Keep your head in the game.

I'd like to take this moment to mention, on record, that Olivia Blunt is the best resident director I have ever seen at Thoreau.

I should know. I've been there for over a decade.

Well, Mr. Weiner, given what you just said to me there, would it surprise you to learn that the fire started in room 109?

Which belongs to none other than Miss Olivia Blunt!

What?

Olivia started the fire.

What are you talking about? Olivia did not start the fire.

She was in my room with me the entire time.

Oh. No, no, no. What I meant to say was, she slept over.

No. No, no, not like that, um...

She slept in my bed with me.

We'd slept together in the same bed... Is this making any sense?

Oh, boy.

Olivia, I'm so sorry that I said that. I told you that I would lie...

Uh... Can I call for a brief recess?

So, you're saying Olivia had a chance to prevent the fire but failed to do so because she was too busy m*st*rb*t*ng you.

What?

And then she asked you to cover it up therefore perjuring yourself.

Oh, that's worse.

That is way worse.

You're going down, Blunt.

(MOUTHING)

Let the record reflect that Ms. Olivia Blunt is up here to defend herself against allegations of perjury, arson and fellatio.

Why do the records need to reflect that?

Ms. Blunt, do you not have a history of coming on to your colleagues?

What?

(SCOFFS) No. That's absurd.

Listen, Tyler, if I ever decide to sleep with an 19-year-old in mesh shorts and enough body spray to supply an 8th grade dance, I'll let you know.

(MUMBLING GIBBERISH)

Whoo-hoo!

I have feelings for you.

Feelings?

Romantic feelings.

Oh, you liked it when I hit on you.

Victim-blaming. Just awful.

Olivia, the fire was in your room.

Are we to believe that you lit the flame?

Or were you so busy 69-ing your subordinate that you neglected to prevent the fire?

Would you just confess already?

I didn't set the fire, and I didn't sleep with Doug.

Why is that so hard for everyone to comprehend?

I don't know. I guess it's just because you two seem like you're so perfect together. You know?

I follow the rules.

I do my job the way my job is supposed to be done.

I'm the one that's making sure these kids aren't high, or drunk, or pregnant, or failing too many classes...

Or set on fire?

Yes.

Or set on fire. I guess I deserve that.

I didn't light the match, but I can't deny that it was my responsibility to make sure something like this didn't happen.

And I failed.

Wonderful. Cuff her!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that. She's not responsible.

She didn't do it.

Oh, Doug, Doug, Doug...

Dean Berber, bean derber, bean burger, I run a college. I have a responsibility to the endowment...

Students. Uh-huh.

Someone needs to get in trouble for this.

I don't really care who it is, but it's not gonna be me.

I did it.

(SPECTATORS MURMUR)

Yeah, I lit the fire. I should be fired for the fire.

Doug, don't do this.

Yeah, I snuck into Olivia's room, I lit the match...

All me.

How do we know you're just... Not just lying to protect your... bay?

Oh, uh...

Because, um...

If I wasn't planning a fire then why would I remove the sprinkler valve from the second-floor hallway the first week of school?

So, I got rid of the sprinkler valve that was posing a hazard to...

Well, just you, really.

Mr. Flaterman, did you notice anything unusual about the sprinkler valve in the second-floor hallway?

There was no sprinkler valve on the second-floor hallway.

It had been removed.

So, should I arrest Doug instead?

Yeah, you should probably do that, yes.

Sorry, dude.

No problem, man.

Hey, we really should hang out more.

Ah, man. I'm thinkin' the same thing, you know, when you get out though.

No doubt.

Doug, why are you doing this?

Tyler.

Never stop asking questions. It will serve you well in life.

I don't think I've ever asked a question.

Doug, don't go! You didn't do this.

It was the Fire Lady.

Oh, sweet, simple Amy. I know that they said Olivia did it, but it was me.

I'm the Fire Lady.

Doug, don't do this, man.

We can figure it out, we can get to the bottom of...

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Shoot, I gotta take this.

Handle it.

Hello, this is Sam.

Oh.

Ms. Flowers, restrain yourself.

Thanks, buddy.

Bye, Doug.

Bye, Rachel.

Hey, I hope everything works out with you and Sam. You know, he really likes you.

(LAUGHS) Uh, sorry. We aren't...

I don't think anything's gonna happen.

If the past 30 seconds have taught me anything, it's to follow your heart.

And to Thoreau, may I always remember you as the place I passed out 5,600 condoms.

(SIGHS)

Uh, listen.

Sorry about the whole trying to pin-all-this-on-you thing.

We'll just assign you to another building.

So, we good?

This is as far as I'm gonna escort you, I don't have a car or anything.

Real cops should be here soon.

No, I get it.

But what happened to your eye?

Oh, my eye. Oh, nothing.

I walked into a wall.

(LAUGHS) I've been there.

Doug.

Doug, I can't let you do this for me. This school is your life.

You know what? Don't worry about me.

Okay? I'll find another college to work at.

Maybe a community college.

I don't think they have RAs there.

Yet.

No, I mean, I don't think they have RAs because students live off-campus.

Yeah.

Bye, Olivia. You're so... good at your job.

I really enjoyed working with you.

Thanks. You too.

Sorry. Good at my job or really enjoyed working with me?

I'm just really gonna miss you.

Miss you, too.

Me too, me too. That's cool...

(CLEARS THROAT)

This is bull (BLEEP). Total bull (BLEEP).

I wish we could figure out who actually did it.

There's just no way of knowing.

I know. I've looked at the video a thousand times and I've got nothing!

Huh?

What?

The video.

Of the Fire Lady.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY) Stupid RD thinks she can get between me and my man?

Think again, bitch!

Sorry.

Dean Berber, there's something we need to show you.

If I say okay and this is just a ruse for one of you to whip out your dick, I'm gonna be very disappointed.

Oh no, it's not this.

Okay.

(LAUGHS WICKEDLY) Stupid RD thinks she can get between me and my man?

Think again, bitch!

I'm thinking that's gotta be her, right?

Why didn't you show us this earlier?

I tried!

Well, if it wasn't you, do you have any idea who would do it?

That's what I wanna know.

If I can just figure out who the Fire Lady...

(SNEEZES AND FARTS)

Uh, bless you?

Let's move on to the next person.

But, I didn't even...

Not a request. Not a request.

Oh, my God, we've condemned an innocent man, but, to get the right person is gonna be a tremendous amount of red tape.

Ugh, but I guess we have to.

Real sorry, guys. The cops should be here soon.

There's, like, a parade or somethin'.

It's fine.

Let Doug go.

We got the culprit. A Marissa Penson-Weiner.

What? Are you serious? She took my last name?

Oh, and the building thing, too. That's awful.

What? That... that's not possible.

Obviously she must have snuck back into the dorms after I definitely escorted her out.

All right, miss.

Now look, I don't have my handcuffs,

'cause I don't feel like North West would wear them, but I am gonna walk you out of here now.

So, you used to date Doug, huh?

Ow!

Oh, great, my...

I knew I shouldn't have dressed up like a toddler!

Doug, you have my sincerest apologies for all of this.

I am reinstating you immediately as an RA.

You are?

Yes.

But, I need to confirm that, due to the information that came out in court...

Unofficial hearing today, that you two are not sleeping together.

The college has very strict rules about this sort of thing, so, just so it's official, is there anything going on between you two?

So do you think...

Olivia: No, ma'am.

There isn't anything going on.

Please give Doug his job back.

I need him on my team.

Great. Welcome back, Doug.

You're gonna be working under Olivia, once again, and she'll be right there on top of you, really riding you hard.

And I'm looking forward to that.

Me too.

I did it for love!

For love!