03x05 - Cleveland

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Drunk History". Aired: July 2013 to August 2019.*
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"Drunk History" is presented by an inebriated narrator struggling to recount events from American history, while A-list talent perform historical reenactments.
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03x05 - Cleveland

Post by bunniefuu »

[patriotic music]

Prohibition was passed, and Wayne Wheeler won the day.

[laughs]

Dorothy Fuldheim spent more time on air as a broadcast journalist than anyone in history.

You're all good.

Muhammad Ali was drafted. This doesn't seem right.

Yeah. [belches]

You all right?

[patriotic music]

I love this place, not because of what it is, but because of what it isn't. There's no traffic.

It costs nothing to live here.

And it's just snowy enough to keep the assholes out.

There's just like a camaraderie that you can't... it's undeniable here.

But we're, like, building up to a better community.

That's what Cleveland's all about. The future.

Because our present really isn't that great.

Well, no... but it's better.

It's actually... shut up. It's still better.

I'm John Levenstein, and today we're going to be talking about Wayne Wheeler, the man responsible for Prohibition. Cheers.

Cheers, John.

Wayne Wheeler would have hated that.

Wayne Wheeler's family had a farmhand who was drunk, who was swinging a pitchfork... a hayfork... wildly.

He said, Mom, that farmhand's acting sloppy.

The farmhand stabs Wayne Wheeler in the leg.

Wayne Wheeler said Ouch.

Hey.

Yeah.

What are you doing? You just stabbed me in the leg.

What, are you drunk, you farmhand?

Wayne Wheeler decided, Alcohol's bad.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life fighting against alcohol.

And that's the fornd... the formative event of Wayne Wheeler's life, with... of, okay.

The... [laughs] Okay.

The... [laughs]

The formative event of Wayne Wheeler's life.

Wayne Wheeler, in 1893, graduated from college.

He goes to see Howard Hyde Russell, from the Anti-Saloon League, speak.

I'm against alcohol.

I'm against the way alcohol affects the American family.

Men should not drink at the saloon, waste away their family's money, come home, hit their wives, hit their children.

That shouldn't happen.

After the speech he said, I'm going to join your movement, and I'll devote my life to making people not drink.

Now, Wayne Wheeler, with the Anti-Saloon League, was a dynamo. He was just biking everywhere.

He was biking from town to town, going door-to-door, getting people to vote against candidates who opposed Prohibition.

And Wayne Wheeler would say, People shouldn't drink.

I was stabbed by a fith... a pitchfork when I was a child.

And then they would say, Oh, people can be stabbed by pitchforks as children?

And Wayne Wheeler would say, Yes.

[laughs]

Why did you laugh?

Because I was seeing two of you.

That's okay. [laughs]

I... [laughs]

Wayne Wheeler was going to churches to raise money.

He was going to arrange demonstrations, and he was always on his bike. He was always pedaling furiously.

Wayne Wheeler invented pressure politics.

Wayne Wheeler would say, This person is not strongly enough in favor of temperance.

Then that person would go down.

Every time... 70 for 70.

So Wayne Wheeler comes to Washington, DC and starts fighting for a constitutional amendment against alcohol.

Everyone is afraid of Wayne Wheeler.

Wayne Wheeler is the most successful lobbyist in the United States.

There was another thing that happened that I'm forgetting right now so I'll get then back to.

That I'll get back to, Derek.

But, in the meantime, Prohibition was passed, and Wayne Wheeler won the day.

Wayne Wheeler was such a zealot, because once Prohibition happened... that wasn't enough for Wayne Wheeler.

He goes to see the head of the KKK.

I'm a national figure. I can't do my own bidding, but you, Ku Klux Klan, can.

So the Ku Klux Klan did it.

They were Wayne Wheeler's private security force.

And they would go into bars and just tear the [bleep]ing place apart.

The Ku Klux Klan was a violent organization.

They were tarring and feathering people who were bootleggers. [laughs]

Wha... [laughs]

[laughter]

Wha... [laughs]

Wayne Wheeler... [laughs]

Great name.

Wayne Wheeler.

Wayne Wheeler is so crazy because there was still industrial alcohol that was used to clean engine parts, to make nail polish.

Wayne Wheeler said, We need to find a way to make that legal alcohol poisonous.

We're going to add methanol to ethanol, call it formula number 30, and then anyone who drinks ethanol... not to clean engines, but to get drunk... will die.

And that's when the [bleep] hit the fan.

People who were drinking ethanol mixed with methanol didn't know that that's what they were doing.

It made thousands of people sick and hundreds of people die.

And Wayne Wheeler was saying, Well, it's your own fault.

You know about Prohibition. You know alcohol's illegal.

You're dead now.

And people started thinking, Why would my own government do this to me?

Wayne Wheeler, who had been pretty much running the government as a lobbyist, was discredited.

And that's when he went to Michigan. And then d*ed a few weeks later.

Just because Wayne Wheeler was stabbed in the leg by a pitchfork by a drunken farmhand as a child, he had to spend the rest of his life making sure no one else had fun, no matter what.

[laughs]

I mean... [laughs]

Oh, God. I just spilled.

Oh, you got it.

I love that you're collecting the ice.

All right. This is as drunk as I get. [laughter]

[upbeat rock music]

My son was conceived in this building.

In 1998, at a punk rock show.

Conceive it!

In the women's bathroom.

How's that for some drunk history?

That's good.

What's the worst thing a girl's ever said when you were an adolescent?

"I think you might be better off if you got a nose job."

[laughter]

That's real?

Which I did do.

Shut up.

Yeah, when I was 14.

Are you being serious?

Yeah. Google "David Wain nose job."

[laughs]

Hi, I'm David Wain.

Today we're going to talk about Dorothy Fuldheim, who set the record for being on TV for 37 years straight.

The first woman to anchor a newscast on TV.

She was a [bleep]ing dynamo.

In 1918 Dorothy Fuldheim is traveling around the country, and she's giving speeches.

She's like, Hey, I'm Dorothy Fuldheim.

And I'm redheaded. I'm a Jew. I'm short.

I got a different point of view.

Some of the guys, though, in the audience, they're like, Thanks, but no thanks.

You know, so you've heard the classic thing, "Thanks, but no thanks"?

Mm-hmm.

It's like... it's a way of saying no thanks.

But they add this little thanks thing to make it sound more palatable. But it really means no thanks.

You know what? This is what I think.

This is what's going on.

I don't care what people think about how I look.

I don't care what people think about what I say.

And in 1932 she travels to Germany.

She's like, I want to meet Adolf h*tler. She goes to...

The... h*tler... office building, or whatever.

The... I don't know.

h*tler Hall?

h*tler... Germany... German... SS... place where h*tler worked. She sees him coming out of a building.

She starts yelling these questions in German.

I can't speak German, but it would sound sort of like this.

"Oh, come on, you... ott... ott... trottel.

A... Hogan's Heroes."

[laughs] And so, anyway, h*tler said, You're some random Jewish... but I don't know that you're Jewish... journalist from Cleveland, Ohio. And I'm giving you an interview that I would never give to other people.

And I'm giving you answers to things about what's going on in this upcoming next w*r.

Which, by the way, is probably only... is happening, like, seven years from now, but we don't know that yet.

She came back to the United States and she says to everyone, Hey, these guys are bad. These guys are evil.

And they have bad ideas.

Adolf h*tler, by the way, for those who are, like, you know "history buffs," was one of the big World w*r II bad guys.

[slurps softly]

I should never drink.

I didn't... I don't... I don't...

I don't, um... I'm not good with alcohol.

So, what happened was, when WEWS Channel 5 opened she was there with the head of the station.

He's like, Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, hold on.

They were like, No, no, no. What are you talking...

A woman doing a newscast? That's like, it's like, Oh, we should have a dog give the news. That would be funny.

I mean, first... personally, I would love that.

I mean, if he was like... [growling]

Ebola.

Ebola, !sis, LeBron.

In Cleveland.

Right, right.

But she was like, I don't care what you guys think.

I'm gonna do it.

And so he says, Okay. I'll... 13 weeks is all I'm going to say, because then we're... I'm not committing any more.

And starting way back in 1947 the first newscast anywhere between New York and Chicago... in Cleveland, Ohio... they put on Dorothy Fuldheim as the anchor.

She goes on the air, she says, Hey, I'm Dorothy Fuldheim.

This is the evening news on Channel 5 in Cleveland.

People loved it.

They were like, She's making me feel happy.

She's making... she's give... communicating to me in a way that other people don't.

She interviewed everyone in the world.

She interviewed Richard Nixon, Albert Einstein, one of the greatest popes, Wilt Chamberlain, Martin Luther King, the Duke of Windsor, Prince Charles, Lady Diana Spencer, all the Kennedys.

Channel 5 news is the best TV 5 Eyewitness News...

News Channel 5 is the best station in Cleveland. [laughs]

So one day, at Kent State, they were protesting the Vietnam w*r.

And they just start sh**ting into the crowd, and four students were k*lled.

Dorothy Fuldheim, she said, This is m*rder.

You know, why are we k*lling our own children?

The viewers all wrote in to her like, Fire her.

Get rid of her, because why should... she shouldn't have said that.

And she, even herself, buckled in and said, Okay, maybe I should resign.

It was really kind of hardcore if you think about it.

And the head of the station was like, No, Dorothy, you're way, way more important than this one incident. And you're probably right anyway.

And so, no we don't accept your resignation. You're going to stay.

And not only did she stay, she stayed for 37 years.

She was, like, the voice of the news.

And of the conscience of a city.

Barbara Walters came out, when she d*ed, and was like, I would not be doing what I'm doing... none of us would be doing what we're doing if it wasn't for Dorothy Fuldheim.

Do I... No, shut up. Shut up.

Dorothy Fuldheim spent more time on air as a newscaster than any other woman or man in broadcast news journalist history.

That's insane. That's something I'm proud of.

She's the pride of Cleveland, pride of the North coast.

To Dorothy Fuldheim.

[snoring]

Now I'm going to go to sleep.

Okay.
[upbeat rock music]

Why does Cleveland love bowling so much?

It's just been here all our life.

Yeah.

And it's like, once it gets cold in the winter, what else are you gonna do?

I just love that sound.

Can you hear a strike?

I can hear a good strap, yeah.

Yeah.

I still can't believe I've never known to use my middle fingers.

[groans]

Nothing.

I can't look when it's a gutter. It's just too sad.

To Dickey's!

Did you have a nickname?

My dad would call me "Squirrel bait."

Squirrel bait?

Yeah.

What is that?

I guess squirrel bait would be like a nut, like, crazy.

You're a nut.

There's nothing wrong with being a nut.

But, like, yeah, my other sisters were, like, princess and cutie, and... [laughs]

Hi... Hi.

Hi, I'm Ashley Barnhill, and today we're going to discuss the Cleveland Summit.

Cheers.

So in 1964 you know, at the age of 22, Cassius Clay... he is fighting Sonny Liston.

Clay is a 7-1 underdog. He's not going to win.

And he goes, You're an ugly bear. You smell like a bear.

You're an ugly bear. You smell like a ugly bear.

When I'm done with you, when I b*at you, I'm gonna donate you to the zoo.

Bam, bam, bam. He wins.

Yeah, he becomes the World Heavyweight Champion.

Right after he wins the championship he announced, My name is Muhammad Ali.

I'm a black Islam... I'm a Black Muslim.

I am the people's champion.

So the w*r was going on. Muhammad Ali was drafted.

He was like, you know, My religion doesn't...

I'm not allowed to fight in wars.

This doesn't seem right?

Yeah. [belches]

You all right?

Yeah, no, I'm okay.

Should I start over from the beginning?

Yeah, can you start again? [laughs]

Um, we're going to be talking about the Cleveland Summit.

[laughter]

So Muhammad Ali is drafted and and he says, Now I'm a conscientious objector.

My religion doesn't let me fight in a w*r.

And then he also added, I have no quorum with Viet Cong.

Like, no Viet Cong has ever called me the n-world... n word.

No Viet Cong has ever sicced dogs on me.

The draft board said was... The draft board says... [laughs]

Too bad. Sorry, we don't accept that.

You have to go to the induction ceremony.

[cracks neck]

Geez. How the [bleep] did you do that?

That was, like, four cracks. [laughs]

So he goes to the induduction, and the officer's like, We're gonna say your name, and then you have to step forward.

Okay, Cassius Clay.

My name is Muhammad Ali.

He doesn't step forward.

Cassius Clay.

And he doesn't step forward. And the officer is like, Do you understand what you are doing?

Basically, if you don't step forward you're committing a felony.

You can serve five years in prison.

Thank you. I know what I'm doing.

Cassius Clay. He doesn't step forward.

That day he's stripped of his medals, his boxing title... his boxing license, and his title.

Okay, people in America were like, Ugh, this is bull[bleep], like, this guy's just trying to getting... this guy's just trying to get out of going to the w*r.

Muhammad Ali's manager calls football legend Jim Brown.

And he's like, Can you talk to him?

Can you convince him to go to the army?

And can you not tell him I told you this?

Or anyone I told you this. Can you keep your mouth shut?

Can you keep your [bleep]ing mouth shut?

Don't [bleep]ing tell anyone I ever told you this.

Uh, bye!

Jim Brown is very shocked, and he goes, This is shocking.

This is a shocker.

Jim Brown calls John Wooten and he goes, Can you gather ten of the most prominent, top black athletes and meet me in Cleveland?

Yeah, on it.

Everyone's just like, Yeah, see you there.

Got it. Be there.

We're talking to Ali? He's my hero. Okay.

So, basically, they're all like, We have all served, you know, we've been part of ROTC.

We've been lieutenants of this and that.

We've been in this and that m*llitary-affiliated... we're served. We've served.

What's going on, you know?

He talked for two hours straight.

And just kind of talked about his religious convictions and beliefs.

I stand by my religion; Black Muslim religion.

The Nation of Islam, which is basically...

I will not contribute to any w*r.

That's a good point.

[laughs] That is a good point.

They face the media. Hi, media.

Yeah, we thought this guy was full of [bleep].

And this guy... have you met Ali?

This guy... we support Ali.

We believe in him, and he's sincere and we believe in... we validate his religious conviction.

Ali was on trial. It was presented in front of an all-white jury.

And within 21 minutes they found him guilty.

And he's sentenced to five years.

So he appealed and he appealed.

And basically gets to the Supreme Court.

So the Supreme Court is planning on ruling 5-3 against Ali, but then Justice John Harlan reads a book based on Black Muslim religious doctrine and he goes to all the other justices and is like, We screwed up. This is me convincing you.

I am convincing you. We screwed up.

You screwed up. I screwed up.

We have to change our opinion.

Okay, you're right.

And so they anonysmally vote. Anonys...

Anonysmally? I have a hard word sober, by the way guys.

Anonymous?

Anonysmally.

No, that's not the word. They anonysmally, um...

[laughter]

Anonysmally.

Perfect. [laughs]

Where did I leave off? Sorry.

Don't cr*ck your neck anymore.

It's not there.

I heard it four times.

I know.

You can't do it anymore.

Okay.

So, basically, they vote for Ali to go free.

He wanted to be the greatest, and eventually he would become the greatest.

This is what I stand for. I don't care if you don't believe in it.

I'm gonna die for it.

Ali fought for his religion. He fought for his race.

He fought for civil rights. He fought for... I mean, kind of everything that was going on at the time.

He changed the world.

♪ You can change the world ♪
♪ You can... Change the world ♪

[laughter]

♪ You can change the world ♪

[patriotic music]
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