04x11 - Shitshows

[bunniefuu]

So the Cherry sisters were like, "Let's put on a show". It was really, really, really bad.

(Laughs)

Outside is pandemonium. "Start f*ring into the crowd!" And meanwhile, William Macready is up on stage.

(Hissing)

(Continues hissing)

Steve Dahl is a DJ.

We're gonna destroy disco. I will put your expl*sives together for you.

(Imitates expl*si*n)

(Patriotic music)

♪ ♪

(Solemn bluegrass music)

So how would you describe a [bleep] show?

Ugh.

I [bleep] my pants in the rug section of IKEA.

So I had to, like, go through the other parts of IKEA with [bleep] in my pants...

(Laughs)

But I also was, like, concerned about buying things for my home, so I still did.

(Laughs)

I went to the bathroom. Total pro.

I, like, cleaned my butt, and the second I got back in line, like, with other people, I was like, "I [bleep] my pants!"

Both: (Laughing)

I had the flu, and I sneezed.

Both: (Laughing)

[Bleep] show.

Hi. (Laughs)

(Chuckling)

Oh, boy. I love to be happy.

Why else am I here?

(Laughs)

I'm Jenny Slate.

And today we are going to talk about the Cherry Sisters, the worst act on vaudeville... ever... ever.

The very worst.

(Mellow folk music)

Our story begins in the 1890s. The Cherry Sisters were living on a farm in Iowa that had been left to them. Their names were Ella, Elizabeth, Effie, Addie, and Jessie. They had a brother, Nathan, and he just peaced out. He was like, "Uh, actually, definitely not. I'm not, like, even doing this." And all the sisters were like, "Boo! What the hell?" Or "heck," actually, 'cause they were very prim.

They were like, "Our farm's gonna fail. We truly don't get how to do this, and we don't have enough money to operate the farm." "Let's just try to get money from that by... for that... am I right?" And they were all like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Let's put on a show."

So they, like, rented out a theater.

These sisters were just, like, "We're putting on a play. "Uh, the play is going to consist of a lot of segments that are boring and also will make you feel nervous about what you're doing in your life."

So it would be like, there's a young lady just, like, free in the world. How dangerous. And then a Don Juan comes out, and he's like, "Ah! I want you for sex," you know? And then a gypsy woman would come out, and she'd be like, "Don't do it! Don't, 'cause he's gonna take your morality."

And, like, that was, like, the whole thing.

And it was, like, baffling to everyone. They were like, "Ha-ha. I can't believe these ladies showed up and, like, even are here and, like, did this." After they were done, they were so shocked, because they were like, "This is an ass-load of money."

They made $250.

So the Cherry Sisters, they were like, "We should take this on the road."

Even though it was really, really, really bad.

So they went on the road all across Iowa. They did a show in Cedar Rapids. One of their songs was called "Corn Juice."

♪ Corn Juice, let me tell you about it ♪

(Laughter) It was just like, "What are you talking about? You definitely can't make juice out of corn. Like, I've had it."

Yeah.

"There's no juice in there."

"5, 6, 7, 8."

♪ If you're lost and you're corn ♪
♪ I will find juice ♪

Both: ♪ Corn after juice ♪

Beautiful.

Both: (Giggling)

Everyone's like, "You suck! Ha-ha-ha."

(Chortling)

So the next day, the newspaper was like, "This is a bad show. These ladies truly don't know what's up. You probably shouldn't see this show, unless you wanna see it, because it's so very bad that it's like kind of confusing all of us."

And they marched right down to the "Cedar Rapid Gazette."

And they were like, "How dare you... say this?"

And the "Cedar Rapid Gazette" was like, "What? You're, like, incredulous? You can't, like, understand why we said this?" And they're like, "You know what? We're gonna sue you for libel." And the newspaper was like... (Scoffs) "That's actually hilarious. But if you want to sue us, you're gonna have to sue us during your show."

And so they did.

They got a real judge to sit there, being like, "Ooh!" Like, "Order, order. "I'll be the judge of how bad they are, plus newspaper, you telling the truth."

And at the end, the editor of the newspaper was found guilty and sentenced to marry one of the five sisters.

[Bleep] off.

Yeah.

(Laughs) So sad.

So, after this, they toured all the time. It was kind of the first, like, "It's so bad it's good" situation.

Groups of people were like, "The Cherry Sisters are coming to town." "Let's get together all the people that we know and like, buy a [bleep]-load of vegetables, and... and find a lot of cans so that we can throw them at them." And this was a sketch that they did. They sat in a bathtub, and they were like, "Uh, don't get horny. Be careful, 'cause this is, like, arms, but you have to be careful, 'cause if you show your forearm to someone, their penis can go inside of you."

And you die if they...

And then you'll die... of being cool.

(Snickers)

People would be like, "You suck!"

So after the sisters had really been on the scene for a while, just stinking it up consistently, this man named Oscar Hammerstein, he had a theater, and he was like, "Well... I've tried all the best [bleep] there. Maybe I'll try the worst."

So he got in touch with the Cherry Sisters.

And he's like, "Listen, we'll bring you to New York. You can do whatever you want. We'll pay you $100 a week."

Four of them were like, "Yep, yep, okay, yes." And then, like, the fifth one was like, "No."

(Laughs)

She stayed there, like, whatever, brushing the pigs or whatever you do on a farm. And they went to New York, and everyone was like, "You're the worst! You're horrible! What a weird thing." And they sold out. Ten weeks, sold-out show. And they made a lot of money. And then, you know, they went home. And then they d*ed in obscurity. But, um, that's what we think. That's not what they thought. And honestly, what they thought is kind of all that matters. Don't you think? (Laughs)

Aww. That was nice.

Thanks, Derek.

That was really nice.

Well, I'm an American woman, and I love corn juice.

Both: (Laughing)

So when did you design that shirt?

(Chuckles)

Well, I'd heard about eagles.

Right.

And I... I had people describe an eagle to me.

Mm-hmm.

And then I went into...

I locked myself in a sweater factory.

And then this was what I came up with.

What a vision.

Since then, I've seen actual, uh, bald eagles.

Mm-hmm.

And apparently I was... I was dead on.

Both: (Laughing)

Hello, I'm Allan McLeod, and today we're gonna talk about...

(Stifled laughter)

The Shakespeare Riots.

So our story begins in 1837. Edwin Forrest, who's a Shakespearean actor who lives in New York, he goes to London, and he starts hanging out with one of the top Shakespearean a... actors, William Macready. William's like, "Welcome to London! Have fun. Perform... do Shakespeare here. You know, we do it a little differently here. I'm a little more refined than you are, maybe."

"Well, my style's a little bigger than yours and I'm a big muscly guy. And, you know, people like that in America."

So Edwin Forrest and William Macready developed a bit of a rivalry.

They would start sending their fans over to the other shows to kind of mess with them. Some of Macready fans start hissing at Edwin Forrest.

(Hissing)

(Sharp hissing)

(Hissing continues)

(Chuckles)

So then Macready is performing. He's in the middle of a performance, when somebody goes a little nuts and throws a dead sheep onto the stage.

Inappropriate.

Inappropriate.

It was the thing that crossed the line for their rivalry.

So then, William Macready goes to New York, and he's got a ten-show run over at the Astor Place Opera House. He's gonna do "Macbeth," the cursed play.

Lo and behold, Edwin Forrest is also do... gonna do "Macbeth" over at the Bowery Theater, the theater for his fan base.

And so they're both doing "Macbeth" in New York.

So William Macready says, "Okay, I'm going to Astor Place Opera House to do my last 'Macbeth.' And this is gonna be the most 'Macbest' ever seen."

Both: (Laughing)

Okay, so William Macready is up on stage. And as soon as he starts in with his first line, "Lady Macbeth, what's going on? What's for dinner tonight?" "We love Forrest! We love Forrest!" And then, you know, Lady Macbeth comes out, and they're like, "Who's this bitch?" They're throwing all kinds of [bleep] at him. Pennies, [bleep] apples, and potatoes. Popcorn, fruit, and apples. They're throwing rotten eggs and churros.

(Giggles)

Macready is like, "I'm done. I'm breaking my contract. I'm heading back to London."

The, um, wealthy elite of New York heard about this, and they all cosigned a letter saying, "Please don't let these rabble-rousers scare you away. Do 'Macbeth' one more time. Nail it."

So Macready reads this letter, and he says, "You know what? I'll stay. I'll stay and do 'Macbeth' one more g*dd*mn time." It was the makings of a major clash between the rich and the poor.

The day of the show, Macready is ready to hit the stage. Meanwhile, outside...

You gonna burp?

(Exhales)

No.

It was a little gas.

Uh... meanwhile, outside, the Bowery Boys show up. And the Astor Place people at the door are like, "There's a dress code. You can't come in here." So they're like, "Oh, [bleep]." And that really pissed off the mob. So they hung out outside. People are just... a real crowd is gathering out there. Meanwhile, all the fancy people are inside. Curtain comes up, and there's the witches. "A bubble, toil, and trouble. Witches burn, and cauldron... [bleep]... to bubble... "

I can't [bleep]... (Laughs)

[Bleep]. I [bleep] it up. Wait, wait, wait.

No, no.

"Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble. Cauldron burns, and here's Macbeth. Here he comes." Macready comes in, and he's Macbeth, and he's like, "Here I am." And then everybody starts hissing at him.

(Hissing)

He's like, "Oh, [bleep], here we go."

So outside, this mob of 10,000 people, they start picking up rocks and... and cobblestones and start throwing 'em at the cops. And then a militia guy's saying, "Start f*ring into the crowd! Fire, fire, fire!" And so they start f*ring their muskets into the crowd. And then all hell breaks loose.

It's just a g*dd*mn m*ssacre out there.

People are dying. They're just like, "Burn this place down." They keep on battling, trying to find their way into the opera house.

And it's ridiculous 'cause the play is over at this point.

The mob is infiltrating the opera house. And so Macready decides to put on a disguise. And he's just like, "I'm a New York hot dog man. "No big deal. Hot dog! Get your hot dog!" And he actually escapes. And when the dust settles, 30 people are dead, 100 people are injured, and it's the first time that a militia has ever fired on a mob of American citizens. Edwin Forrest, he finds out about the whole riot, and he can't believe it. In 1871, Edwin Forrest played his last Shakespearean role of King Lear. "Hey. Here I am playing King Lear. Can you believe it? We're here. We're Lear. Get used to it."

Both: (Laughing)

This is tequila, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

To Steve Dahl.

Teenagers everywhere.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks. Thanks, Steve.

Down the hatch, buddy.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Once every 35 years...

Is that right?

I drink tequila.

You're like a... a cicada.

Keep those companies, you know, rolling and doling.

Yeah.

(Chuckles)

Hello, I'm Bob Odenkirk, and today we're gonna talk about Disco Demolition.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Thanks, Bob. You okay?

My first [bleep] sip.

(Laughter)

(Disco music plays)

Well, I guess our story really begins in 1977 with the massive success of [bleep] disco, which is a terrible form of music.

Both: (Snickering)

Anyway, 1977, "Saturday Night Fever."

Very popular movie. Blah, blah, blah. Everyone loved it. "At WDAI in Chicago, we're Disco DAI. All disco, all day and all night." Okay, so Steve Dahl is a DJ, 24 years old, at The Loop, WLUP 97.9. And it's a rock 'n' roll station. Steve Dahl, uh, says, "[bleep] you, I'm not gonna play disco music."

And Steve is having a good time, and he's blowing up disco records.

So on the radio, he'd go, "I got a disco... lookit, KISS made a disco record. I'm gonna blow it up." Then he'd play it, and then scratch the... (Imitates record scratch) The needle on the record, and then press a cart tape and... (Imitates expl*si*n) expl*si*n sound. And then laugh, and then do other dumb [bleep]. Like my favorite, Imus.

(Laughs)

What?

Not like Imus.

Okay.

Very much like Stern, I mean, truly, but actually, before Stern.

So it's 1979.

Jeff Schwartz is the promotions kid. And he goes to... sorry.

He goes to Mike Veeck at the White Sox, and he goes, "Let's do a Disco Demolition at White Sox Comiskey Park for your team night." Mike Veeck is like, "Great! I love Steve Dahl." They hire a guy to, uh, put the expl*sives in.

"We need you to blow up records."

"How many records?"

"Uh, well, I don't know. 2,000?"

"Okay, hold on a second. Slow down. I need some g*dd*mn real expl*sives here."

"All right, well, whatever you need. You're the pro."

"Hell yes, I am. "Just got back from the 'Nam about five years ago. Anyhow... (clears throat) I will put your expl*sives together for you."

So Steve's on the radio for weeks going, "I got Disco Demolition coming up. Come to Comiskey Park and bring a disco album. They'll take your album; they'll put it in a bin. You'll pay 98¢ for a ticket. And then in between games, I'm gonna blow up all those albums. We're gonna destroy disco. Ha-ha-ha."

So the night of the event comes.

July 12, 1979.

Steve's, like, watching. "Holy [bleep]." Kids are showing up... like, showing up in droves. Showing up, showing up. 15,000. 20,000. 30,000.

[Bleep] "A."

The first game is nuts.

Kids in the stands have records. They're throwing them. Record albums come flying out of the stands. Shoop!

Cutting into the grass.

Harry Caray's kind of liking it, you can tell.

"Hey! All right, everybody, calm down!"

And Jimmy Piersall is taking it way too seriously.

"These kids... Look at this. This is a disgrace."

Anyhow...

(Hiccups)

Game ends. First game ends. Sox lose.

That's not helpful. And Steve... they drive out to, like, center field.

This crate has been set up.

So, uh, he gets on a Mic. And he goes, "Party! Yeah! Okay, disco sucks!" "Disco sucks!" They start chanting. "Disco sucks!" There's big banners.

"Disco sucks!" And it's kind of intense.

So Steve's like, "All right, I'm gonna blow 'em up."

Both: (Laughing)

He puts way too much...

real expl*sive.

(Laughs) Perfect storm.

So Steve pushes the thing.

Then...

(Imitates expl*si*n)

Big expl*si*n. [Bleep] flying everywhere in center field. You can't play another whole game in that. That alone is the end. That's the end.

Only that isn't the end.

(Claps)

But what happens after it explodes?

All right... what do you mean, what happens after it explodes?

It's a [bleep] disaster.

Both: (Chuckling)

So then these seven kids climb over the wall. More kids, more kids.

[Bleep]'s getting un... unhinged.

There's too many kids on the field. "Holy [bleep], I'm on the... what... Comiskey Park, the field where Babe Ruth hit home runs." They're running around the bases. "Look at me! I'm gonna slide!"

Kids are pitching.

"I'm a pitcher. Whoo-hoo!"

Meanwhile, crazy Vietnam vet, on his motorcycle, going like, "Ah-ha-ha-ha. I did it. I really did it." And Harry Caray is up in the booth going, "Hey, it's a good time, everybody. "Let's sing a song together."

♪ Take me out to the... ♪

You know this.

"Sing along! Okay, let's all get off the field now. How 'bout it?"

And the kids are like, "Well, no. Not that." They call the Chicago police. They sent riot police. Full riot gear. The cops come... "Man, I'll teach you to be a teenager! A whack in the head." And, um, arrested 39 people for vandalism and [bleep]. They call the game. The White Sox are forced to forfeit.

[Bleep] "A."

(Laughter)

They say it k*lled disco. It did not k*ll disco.

What it did, potentially, that was actually meaningful... this event was like one massive tweet sent out by a generation of kids. And they pressed a button and said, "We don't like disco that much. Okay?"

Both: (Snicker)

That's essentially what the event was.

And, uh, if it k*lled disco, it just sent a message that said, "Maybe everybody doesn't love this [bleep] 24/7."

♪ ♪

I would like to do some disco lyrics right now. Okay, go ahead.

(Imitates disco music)

(Falsetto) ♪ Baby, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Tonight's the night ♪

(Scatting)

♪ Tonight's the night ♪
♪ Nights ♪
♪ The night of nights, tonight, all right ♪
♪ A night... ♪

All right, I get it.

(Laughing)

Duly noted. Thank you.

(Laughing)

It's just [bleep]. Just the worst.

(Dramatic patriotic music)

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪