01x05 - The Usual Bet

Pete: That was amazing.

You're so dirty.

But that's what I love about...

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you guys were there.

Hello, gentlemen.

And welcome to the playoffs.

[ON PHONE]

Game one, very exciting.

We've got Ruxin versus Andre, making a rare appearance in the playoffs.

[ON MONITOR] Good on you, kid.

You know it. I'm ready.

Game two, we've got your three-peat champion... taking on Kevin.

Or actually, should I say Jenny?

No. I'm gonna make my decisions this year.

So the three out-of-town idiots have already shat the bed, of course.

Taco, looks like your dial-up connection finally caught up with you.

Taco: Come on, Internet.

Are you even getting this?

There's a reason that Meegan and I have gotten a divorce.

[ON MONITOR]

I was in love with another woman, Shiva.

Our high-school valedictorian has become my trophy wife.

And I don't think she's going anywhere any time soon, guys.

[ON MONITOR]

What's that?

Oh, you naughty little minx.

Okay.

[GRUNTS THEN SIGHS]

All right, sweetie, I'll be gentle.

That's not necessary.

[ON MONITOR] It's okay. You can watch.

Oh, Shiva.

Okay, enough. Out.

See you on the gridiron, boys.

[MOANS]

Sofia: It's really sweet to be here with you, alone. Without the baby.

Mm-hm. I think it's good.

It's good we get a little break.

We go home. We enjoy him.

He gets a little break from us.

He learns to be on his own.

Yeah, but is it important to have a break right now?

You know, at this age, I feel like we should be with him all the time.

Ruxin: Um...

No, I think it's natural to...

Oh, my God, we were talking about our son and you were staring at another woman.

I was just seeing if she would be a good nanny.

I looked over at you and you were just down her cleavage.

No. First of all, I couldn't see down her cleavage from this angle.

Second, I was looking at her because I look at everyone... because I, as you know, am a keen observer of the human experience.

Right? I'm like a Ken Burns documentary.

If anything, I was checking her out to see how you stacked up.

And let me tell you, you just won.

This is like the final four, okay?

So you just passed through that bracket and now you're playing Syracuse.

Which is that surprisingly fit 40-year-old a couple booths back.

You are a pig.

Are we still gonna go to Pinkberry on the way home?

No. You suck.

Welcome to mediation.

You understand how this works?

I think so. Yeah.

You think so?

I believe so.

I'd love for you to know so, so I'll tell you quickly.

I have Meegan's assets here... that she has given me.

Her financial statements.

Been waiting on yours.

I hope you brought them.

I do have them with me.

You did bring them today. Outstanding.

I do apologize. I realize I'm a little bit tardy.

I wanted to get somewhat organized.

We got mostly business stuff in the baggie.

Might be an errant thing or two.

And you can make your way.

Sure.

Uh, that is not how you spell "receipts," but I assume these are receipts from 2008?

I was just chicken scratching it out.

Was there...? There was food in this bag at some point?

At some point, there were some food items in the bag.

These are just batteries.

Are these an asset?

Those are rechargeable.

I wouldn't mind having those.

Um... I can't count...

No way to count that.

One left.

Are you considering the string an asset?

Is this...?

No.

Just another thing that doesn't need to be in the box.

Was there food also in the shoebox too?

No food.

Where's the food smell?

Some of the receipts might be from... a taco bag.

It's also from the box.

It's from the box and the bag a bit.

Oh, there is only one very specific request that Meegan has made... which is she would like the Benjamin Button DVD.

I would like to make a statement of goodwill and buy her a new one.

Just have it sent over.

Just bury the hatchet.

Oh, okay. Oh, that is such a good movie.

Mm.

[PHONE BUZZES THEN BEEPS]

Especially when they get to New Orleans.

Are you texting on your phone?

I got a little, uh, Roethlisberger update on the elbow.

It's just kind of a knee-jerk reaction.

Is that code for something?

I don't know what that is.

Sorry about that.

I hope you're taking this seriously.

I am.

I can assure you that Meegan is taking this very seriously.

[SIGHS]

You can't answer your phone during a mediator session.

It was a player alert.

It doesn't matter.

This guy holds your life in his hands.

He doesn't hold my life. He holds my stuff.

Yeah, your stuff.

Chicks want stuff.

I don't need stuff.

I got wit and charm and personality.

I'm bringing me to the table.

Yeah, you're gonna need stuff.

Lots of stuff.

You know what, I know what this is.

What? What is this?

You're not concerned about my well-being.

You might be concerned about our match-up.

I'm not concerned at all.

You wanna put a wager behind it?

Sure. What do you wanna bet?

The usual bet.

The usual bet.

Mm-hm.

Let's do it, buddy.

Ooh, confidence, swagger.

So this is what happens when I'm not around.

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Kevin: No.

What?

You look like Powder.

Love that movie.

What outfit lost to this one? Huh?

What outfit did you hold up and you were like, "No"?

This one says pedophile.

Where you been the last few weeks?

You're a ghost.

Heh.

I called you and you didn't answer.

Kevin: Mm-hm.

Did you call?

Are you seeing this?

Yeah.

We got odd behavior, avoidance of friends, change of schedule.

Check, check, check.

Girlfriend.

First of all, let's say I have a girlfriend.

Kevin: Uh-huh.

But if I did have a girlfriend, a gentleman never tells.

Oh, bullshit.

Pete: Bullshit.

What?

Kevin: Stop, dude.

A gentleman never tells if she's ugly.

If she's hot, he takes a picture of her and mass texts it to all his friends.

Okay, I'm buying you guys a drink.

Taco, what are you drinking?

Taco: Hey.

Whoa. Jesus, where'd you come from?

Bathroom window was open.

You know what, I'll take a glass of three-penis wine, please.

What is, uh, that?

Taco: It's Chinese.

It's made from the pen1s of a dog, a snake and a deer.

Of course.

It enhances male virility.

Your second choice?

Two-penis wine would be good.

I'm just gonna get you a Bud Light.

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I haven't been with a woman... in over a week and a half.

Oh.

Pete: Oh, my gosh.

Andre: Oh, no.

Hey, Frank, dirty, dirty, rocks with a splash of Tabasco.

Pete: Whoa, hard stuff.

What ails you, Satan?

My wife. She's super-pissed at me.

You're lucky, it's Christmas.

Get her a little gift...

No, I wish I could buy my way out, but it's not gonna happen.

The only thing Sofia wants right now are these ridiculous Chinese figurines.

So I need to go down to Chinatown to buy them.

I do not like that place.

It smells like hot garbage.

I'll take you.

I know my way around there.

I have to pick up some three-penis wine anyway.

So we go down there, and we'll get...

Sorry. What was the product that you wanted?

Don't even worry about it.

I don't know what to do here.

Kurt Warner? Peyton Manning?

Which one do I start?

Jenny: Manning got us here.

We gotta stick with him.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna go with Warner.

Don't.

I'm making an executive decision.

I think you're freaking out.

You're making an executive decision?

No. Yep.

And it is over. My decision's been made.

Stick with Manning, he's been so good to us this year.

I know he's been good, but I really have a gut instinct about Kurt Warner.

You have horrible gut instincts.

I don't have horrible instincts.

When have my instincts led us awry?

You thought Ellie was gonna be a boy.

Even though the doctors said she was gonna be a girl.

And then she was born and you still thought she was a boy.

Nobody knows what's going on down there, it's a very confusing situation.

The v*g1n*'s got so many different areas and flaps.

It's like you never know what's gonna pop out.

You're just freaking out right now.

That's all it is.

You're really doing this because this is the playoffs.

You're just overthinking.

I'm not.

There's no thinking going on.

Nothing here.

I'm thinking with my gut, like a man.

Wearing those man pants.

Yes. Man pants.

Maybe just a little too snug.

Nope.

Really?

Thirty-one, 32's.

Thirty-four, 32's.

Okay.

Go with Peyton.

I don't want to.

You're being a child.

I'm not being a child.

Why are you not listening to me?

I wanna listen to myself.

Enjoy losing.

We could have won, one year.

Kevin: We're spending 20 minutes at Craig's, then we're out of here. Got it?

Fine. Please, hold my lip gloss.

No, I can't hold your lip gloss.

I've got a whole system.

Back left pocket, wallet.

Front right pocket, cell phone.

Front left pocket, freedom... for a possible leg crossover during conversation.

"That's an interesting point."

Boom, I'm there.

I had no idea how complex man pants actually were.

I'm not gonna be your lip-gloss Sherpa.

Fine.

Carry your own sh1t.

I will hold my lip gloss. Put in Manning.

This is my team, and my...

Pete: Hey.

Hey.

Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson.

Hey. Hi.

Merry Christmas.

Pete. How are you?

Happy holidays.

Uh, anything I can help out with?

No.

Mm-mm. We're good.

Anybody seen Craig around?

No. Just got here.

All right, I'm gonna go find him... say something witty, so he knows I was here.

And then I am out. You should join me.

We'll be right behind you.

Pete: Don't dally.

Could we get out of here now?

I'm doing you a favor.

Otherwise we just go, we watch the game and your entire chances... of winning the playoffs go down the drain.

You're evil.

Wow. What do you keep in place of your soul?

Maybe you should put your lip gloss there.

Bryce.

Uh, hello.

Mr. Eckhart.

Nice to see you.

I gotta say it's a little awkward seeing you here after the mediation.

No. Let's not let it be weird.

This is Bryce at a party.

Yeah.

We're not in the mediation room.

Great.

I'm just here as a friend of Craig's.

Excellent.

How do you guys know each other?

We are in a soup group together.

Soup group.

You know what that is?

It's actually an idea from Oprah's magazine.

We forage, uh, in public places and, like, city parks... and forest preserves and along the lakeshore... and we make soups out of only found items.

[CHUCKLES]

It wasn't a joke.

Uh, it's not a joke?

Why would I joke about that?

Well, I, uh...

I'm gonna, um...

I'm just gonna...

Okay.

Pete: Yeah.

Make it weird. Gonna make it weird.

Apparently this place is really good. It's Tom Berenger's favorite Chinese restaurant.

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

Hi, table for two please?

Uh... Should we seat ourselves, or...?

What is he...?

How about we seat ourselves because you're so pleasant.

Thank you.

These figurines are awesome.

I appreciate you helping me.

I am so hungry.

Oh, me too.

Oh, brother. I am hung...

All right.

Yummy. Yum, yum, yum.

My three-penis wine is gonna get me out of my sexual funk.

It's made from snake pen1s, dog pen1s and deer pen1s.

I'm pretty sure the deer pen1s does most of the work... and the two are just kind of for taste.

You realize drinking that stuff is just, like, one step away from chugging dongs, right?

Potato, potato.

Aw...

Look at that little guy.

Look at him with the chair.

Oh, getting comfy. Getting co...

Aw, chewing on his tongue like it's gum.

Now, a guy like that, is he slow or is he a frittata?

Well, the guy that I knew like that, I used to call him, um, Tony.

But that was his name. So I...

Are you a Tony?

I'm Taco.

Poor Chinese frittata.

[WAITER SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]

Oh, hey. Hello, sir.

All right.

I would love a, uh, green tea.

Oh, yeah.

We don't.

Hot tea.

[SLURPS]

Taco: Yeah.

Oh, okay. Oh, this. Thank you.

This is very helpful.

How about...? What's this?

Can we get some of this?

[WAITER SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]

Well, should we get them?

[WAITER SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]

Okay, you're saying, "Oh, no, you didn't."

[SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]

"Oh, girl, no, don't disrespect me."

[SIGHS]

Okay. Did we just order anything?

I think maybe we're getting soup.

What makes you say that?

He was like, "soup." Soup sound.

Hey, he's getting tea.

He got here after us.

How is he getting it first?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

How is that guy getting tea?

Oh, he can't even drink it properly.

And now he's getting egg rolls?

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

I would trade my normal brain for his brain for one of those egg rolls.

That'd be a pretty fair trade.

Oh, now, that's my beef and broccoli.

Taco: Oh, that looks so good.

Ruxin: Oh, I'm so hungry.

Mm.

Now he's throwing it in our face.

Oh. This guy has had a full meal before we have even had a bite to eat.

And you know why?

Because we don't speak the language.

We are less equipped than this mentally handicapped person.

I mean, at this point we're sub-frittata.

Man: Mm.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I have a very special surprise for you all.

We're gonna play America's favorite parlor game, charades.

So, uh, let the games begin.

No, no.

Charades?

I would rather go to a Klan rally.

The games are on. We're missing them.

I'm making a quick exit.

We're gonna follow you.

We're out of here, right?

Mm... Or we stay.


Hey.

Hi.

Charades, right?

Yeah, exactly.

You're not leaving are you?

You know, I was just...

Oh, my God, you can't leave.

We need you.

You need me?

A smart guy like you. Come on.

It's gonna be a hoot.

Yeah.

Waiter: Hey.

[WAITER SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]

Okay. Right on, buddy.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS THEN URINE SPLASHING]

[MOANS THEN GULPS]

Chinatown urinal. I'm forever unclean.

[MAN LAUGHING]

Ruxin: Don't laugh.

Piss.

I didn't piss on my hand.

[LAUGHING]

Old-Chinese-man piss.

Whoo! It's a tough one. Okay.

[BRYCE LAUGHS]

[SIGHS THEN SHIVERS]

Bryce: Um...

Kevin: Okay.

Eyes? Focus.

That was to the team, not part of the game.

Pete: The Karate Kid?

The Animal?

Pete: The...

Would you like to wait for a gesture, or would you like to keep guessing? Okay.

Jenny: Ten?

Ten words?

Ten words?

Jenny: Second word?

Craig: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum?

Yes, yes, yes. Nice.

All right. Go team. Good job, Bryce.

Good.

Can you tell sexual orientation by how much he loves charades?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I think so.

TV show.

Kevin: Boy in the Bubble.

Bryce: TV show. Two words.

Sounds like...

Giant prick.

Rose.

Jenny: Melrose Place.

Melrose Place. Nice.

Yay!

Bryce: Nice, Craig.

Pete: Yay.

All: Movie? One word.

Equus.

Craig: Hoosiers.

Bryce: Dune? Dune?

Is it Dune? Is it Dune?

It's not Dune. - Space Walk? Moonwalker?

Pete: Garbage?

Jenny: Man on the Moon?

Craig: Repo Man.

You're tired. You're mad.

You're a mad farmer?

Beaches.

Beaches. Come on.

You were acting like a mad, space hobo.

I'm sorry.

[KEVIN SIGHS]

That was bad.

[BRYCE SIGHS]

So we are down by eight.

We have one round to make it up.

Let's do this, guys, come on.

Let's do this, come on.

All (chanting): Let's win, let's win, let's win.

Let's win, let's win, let's win.

Please get me out of here.

Okay, great. Put in Manning, we'll leave.

Really?

Change your lineup.

The afternoon game hasn't even started.

Fine, I'll do it. Can we get out of here?

Bryce: Let's win. Whoo!

Wow, okay.

Bryce: Here we go.

Phew. Yikes, toughie.

Time.

Let's go, let's go.

Uh... Uh...

All: Book. First word.

Pete: Little.

Small word.

The. Second word.

Craig: Let's go.

Uh...

Jenny: Face. Your face.

Gay.

Uh, sorry.

I didn't mean that in terms of you.

It was more in terms of the character you were portraying.

I was standing perfectly still, pointing at my face.

Kevin: Mask.

We're not doing it anymore.

Bryce, I'm so sorry that this happened.

Good day.

Craig, I will see you at soup group.

Kevin: I'm sorry.

Did you say you would see him at soup group?

Soup group.

Wonderful.

Mr. Eckhart, I will have my decision by the end of the week.

I bid you adieu.

Kevin: Oh, dear God.

[PETE SIGHS]

Not good.

Yeah.

[TACO SIGHS]

How was the bathroom?

It was fine. I just washed my hands.

Did you order anything yet?

No. They didn't come by.

I cracked open the pen1s wine and I've never had it on an empty stomach before.

It is really, really working.

You have really thick, lustrous hair.

No, I don't. I use Rogaine.

Dirty secretary glasses.

I'm not a dirty secretary.

Girly lips.

Call my lips girly one more time, I will take this chopstick and shove it in your pee hole.

[LAUGHING NEARBY]

[MAN SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]

What are they?

I think he's talking about you.

[MAN SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]

I washed my hands in the urinal.

So?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And now he's making jokes at me, like some tiny frittata Don Rickles.

[MAN MAKES CRYING SOUNDS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

I didn't cry. I did not cry in there.

I didn't piss on my hands. Exc...

Excuse me. I did not piss on my hands.

You're being very mean. Thank you.

[MAN MAKES URINATING SOUNDS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Your words hurt people.

You need to know that.

You're a dumb, stupid b*st*rd.

That is not... Let's get out of here.

That is not very nice.

You have such silky...

Taco!

Sorry.

He cry.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Did Andre even call you?

No. I just told everyone to meet us here.

Jenny: Pick it up, guys, because the game's almost over. Come on.

Good, good, good. Hi.

Hey.

Kevin: Happy holidays.

What can I get you?

Was wondering if you could turn that television... to the Philly-San Francisco game.

You gotta be kidding me.

Kevin: No.

I understand the Bears game is close, and that game is a blowout.

There's a lot of implications on the line.

Whole lot.

We both have players on the Eagles.

He's got Brian Westbrook.

I've got Donovan McNabb.

It's very close.

It would mean a lot to us.

You understand?

It was a Fantasy Football thing...

Yes.

Yes.

That was my fault initially.

You'll change the channel?

No. We can't do it.

I will drink a lot.

She is a lush.

She will drink this whole bar down.

She will vomit in her hair. Trust me.

Everyone here will remember it.

She will not do any of these things, because she is a respectable mother.

One second.

No love.

Ruxin: Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on with the game?

Warden won't change the channel.

Where have you guys been?

I had to go get some figurines for my wife.

Wonderful.

Hey, Pete. How's it going?

Uh, just he fondled me.

What's the word here?

Oh, Dr. Octopus here?

He drank a bunch of three-penis wine and he's been trying to give me a handy.

Stop it. We were play-wrestling.

What's going on? I got DeSean Jackson.

If he scores a touchdown, I beat Andre and I'm going to the Shiva Bowl.

Let's get this figured out.

Really? We're gonna watch it on a phone?

Well, this is the best we can do.

They're in the red zone.

Kevin: And Philly, first and goal at the six.

Oh, brother.

You know what, guys, I'm not going to experience my beautiful victory over Kevin... on a 3-inch screen that's constantly refreshing.

We're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right.

Kevin: Buffering 37 percent.

Jenny: Oh, oh, oh!

Patrons: Whoa! No, no, no.

One second.

One second, guys.

Are you insane?

Not the menu button.

Hit the aux button.

Put the Bears back on.

Philly's first, Bears right... One second.

Go to all channels.

Man: You don't put the Bears on... I will murder the sh1t out of you.

All right, enough, sir.

God, Kevin.

Man: What are you doing, man?

Hey.

My figurine.

Come on. Put the...

Jenny: Whoa.

Down, ape man. You all just back off.

All of you.

I worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team.

I have studied the waver wire.

I know all the sleepers.

I have done the bi-week plug-ins.

I've done it all.

And all I wanna do is watch the game, and find out how my team does.

It's really my team. She doesn't really...

Jenny: Yeah. Hold my purse, Kevin.

Boys, let's go. Come on.

Cut you, bitch.

Ruxin: Oh, my God.

Wow. Jenny, nice work.

Jenny: Whoo!

Pete: Whoa.

Jesus, gangster.

Pete: Nice, Xena.

Why did you do this?

Kevin: Refresh.

Jenny: Come on, come on, come on.

Jenny and Kevin: Westbrook, Westbrook.

Refresh.

Come on, McNabb.

Jenny: Come on.

McNabb touchdown.

Touchdown, McNabb.

He's poor. He's divorced.

Damn it.

He's in the Shiva Bowl. Thank you.

Who'd he throw to? lf I'd played Warner...

Who'd he throw to?

...7 extra points.

Did he throw it to DeSean Jackson?

Kevin: Will you not?

He threw to not DeSean Jackson.

[PETE LAUGHS]

No!

My wife is pissed at me.

I ruined her Christmas present.

And my season is over.

My season is over!

Hey, what are you doing? I need that.

Not as much as I do.

I'm gonna, ugh, make my wife happy.

Taco: Oh, that's too much.

Good luck, Hulk.

See you, Ruxin.

[TACO SIGHS]

Taco: My nipples are rock hard.

I gotta go home and take care of this.

I'll see you guys.

I thought I had it this year.

Jenny: I can't believe that.

Kevin: And now it's just... It's over, so...

Well, it's not officially over, actually.

There's still a small matter of the bet.

Yeah. The usual bet.

Pete: Mm-hm.

You didn't make that same bet again?

It's weird though, the usual bet may have to take a unusual turn this year... due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete: That's an excellent point.

Yeah.

Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups.

You do the trades.

You do most of the work, so...

You're really gonna make me do this?

Yeah.

You always say you wanna be one of the boys, Jenny.

And boys do stupid things, like get naked in alleyways.

Yep. For a minimum of two minutes.

Don't worry though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny: Yeah. Fine.

No?

A bet's a bet.

You ready?

You sure?

Two minutes.

Pete: Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin: A bet's a bet.

How long you wanna make her walk for?

Jenny, you have any cab money?

I don't have any money on me right now.

No? It's...

Hey, you're naked.

Yeah.

By the way, can you believe Andre actually won?

He's in the Shiva Bowl.

He's not even here to enjoy it.

[SCOFFS]

I did it. I did it.

God bless you, Tony Gonzalez.

God bless you and your big, hairy Tony Gonzalez man balls... and the 24 points they gave me.

I'm going to the Shiva Bowl, baby. Shiva.

Woman: Andre?

Uh, I'm in here.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Just finishing up some work.

Mm, how's it going?

It is going great, Shiva.

Absolutely great.

Hee-hee.

Ready for bed?

Indeed, I am.

Mm.

Indeed I am, Shiva.

Oh, yeah, baby. Come to Taco.

Oh, yeah.

You look like that actress from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Yeah, you wanna steal that other woman's baby.

Yeah. Oh, come on, come on.

Come on. No, no, no.

Hey.

No, no, no. Hey.

This is...

[SCOFF THEN SIGHS]

Uh!

Yeah, hi. I'm in the middle of a...

English. Oh, yeah, you so dirty.

I'm gonna do you so...

Yeah, no, not you.

Hey, I'm in the middle of a spank session here and my lnternet just...

Spank session. And the images are loading really slowly.

Can I upgrade to DSL for like five minutes?

All I need is five minutes and...

Don't worry about it, it's cool.

What's your name?

How's it going, Lorraine?

Uh, what city you in?

Oh, that's not that far.

You like wine, Lorraine?