02x01 - Vegas Draft

Ruxin: I'll figure it out.

Just do it one more time, I will figure it out.

Kevin: It's too complicated for you.

It's not too complicated for me.

Pete: He wants to play the game, let's give him the game.

Okay, fine.

You pick someone this time.

You tell me.

Okay, fine.


Plug 'em up. Look away.

You good?


Right here.

Okay. (clears throat)

Some people think he's the best in the game.

(snapping fingers)

Nobody thought the game would pass him by.

Together, him and his teammates...

Drew Brees.

Thank you!

Nice, easy one.

You got it now, right?

You understand it, right?


You have to under...

That was so simple.

Taco: It took me a while to figure out the game, too.

It took him a while to figure it out.

This thing knows how to do it?


Want me to show you how?

He'll teach you.

Andre: Whoa!

The champion has arrived!

What's up?

Will you stop saying that word, please?

Gentlemen, as your league champion, it is time to talk draft.

As we all know, the league champion determines where we hold the draft.

There's an abandoned video store near my place, and they have couches.

No, no, no, Taco, you're thinking too small.

You know what, guys?

Let's just blow it out this year... Vegas.


Vegas draft.

We've never done the traditional Vegas draft.

Blow it out!

I was gonna say that.

You were gonna say what?

It was my idea.

The Vegas was my idea.

We all just heard him say Vegas.

Pete said it.

In the end, it doesn't really matter whose idea it was...

It was mine.

Well, you can book it.

You can run with it.

I did, I ran with it.

Guys, guys, enough bickering, okay?

Vegas is a great idea for the draft, and we should really raise a glass to Pete for coming up with it.

Oh, it was just an idea, guys, really.

To Vegas!

It was my idea!

Jenny: So, Vegas.


I kind of want to go.

Why? I mean, all we're gonna do is, you know, get drunk and maybe go to a strip club.

I want to be in the league.


But you're... you are.

You're... you help me.

You're, like... almost in the league.

Almost in the league, but I'm not really in the league.

You'll be on my team with me.

I don't want to be on your team with you; I want my own team.

Those three out-of-town dudes never even show up.

I'm here, and I can be there, and I just, I have all this knowledge, okay?

Help me, then.

I need to use it.

Give it to me.

It doesn't help you.

You still manage to shoot yourself in the foot.

(wry chuckle)

Come on.

I can't do it.


You are the commissioner.

My hands are tied.

It's an eight-team league, it always has been, it always will be.

Okay, fine. If one of the eight drops out...

No one drops out.

It's like the Supreme Court.

People just die on the bench.

Supreme Court has 9 judges.

(grunts): I feared this day would come.

All those years of free fantasy advice... here comes the bill.

(grunts loudly)

I love my wife, but I don't want her in the league.

I mean, this is my thing.

That she does for you, essentially.

I mean, do you realize without her help how frighteningly bad you would be?

I wouldn't be that bad.

Oh, my God... Vegas hat!


Vegas! Right?

Wow, that's ugly.

Best idea ever.

Very good idea, not Andre.

Right, it was my idea.

Hey, if we do need a ninth, my brother-in-law Ralphie's available.

No. No.

Brolo... Bro, no...

He stinks, man.

As league champion, I shoot it down.

Here, happy birthday.

This is a belated gift from Jenny and I.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you guys gave me your butt beads... that's so nice.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Open it up in Vegas. Okay?


Oh, this is your plane ticket, Taco.

Thank you for paying for it, brother.

To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

That's not necessary.

She's only six.

Okay, now, look, as your league champion, it's come to my attention that we need to determine the order of the draft.

I have already done that.

Please... ladies, follow moi.

Very simple: security line, right over here.

First person through the security line gets the first pick in the draft. Huh?

Wait, wait, you son of a bitch... you checked all your bags.

That's because I'm in it to win it.



(whispers): Kevin!

I'm a doctor, and there's a medical emergency.

I need to get on a flight.

I don't believe you, and a doctor wouldn't wear that hat.

Cactus. Be careful. It's...

All these colors don't go together.

It was designed by Santana.

Pardon me, pardon me!

Look out!

Goddamn slip-ons!

It's a joke bomb!

It's a joke bomb!

Sir, don't use the word "bomb" in this airport.

It's a classic Kevin joke.

Excuse me for one second.

No, no, no. No. Hey!

No, no, no!

Oh... sack!

Number one pick! Whoo!

You can body-cavity search me all you want... all you're gonna find is Tennessee running back Chris Johnson!

Whoo! Suck it.

Smells like Vegas.

So, it's, like, a word scramble?

No, that's not it.

Oh, I hate this game.

Don't hate the game, hate the player, buddy.

I'm the player.

I know.

Dudes, check it out, all right?

We are living the life.

This weekend is going to be amazing.

But I have one rule: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

No, it does not.

What do you mean, no, it doesn't?

It's a rule.

I don't subscribe to that rule.

Okay, so you're gonna do nothing... that the people at home wouldn't want to hear about?

Nope. Oh, and by the way, the term "What happens in Vegas," that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go, girl" and "Show me the money."

Come on, homie don't play that.


Come on, let's just go check out the suite.

It's so money.

Vegas, baby!



...meet Las Vegas.

It's Spanish for "Andre is awesome."


Well done, Andre, well done.


I got to admit, this is... kind of great.

Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Gentlemen... welcome to Las Vegas.



Chad Ochocinco.

In the flesh.

Hey, come on up, man.


Chad's gonna be our special guest... you know, our master of ceremonies.

How are you here?

What... I don't...

Chad and I are getting into the calf implant business.

I'm making molds of his calves in two sizes.

Preseason... and Playoff Push, baby.

Why are you working with him?


Child, please!

I won... No. Stop.

Don't do that.

What do you mean?

Don't do that.

'Cause you didn't even use it in the right way.

But can I still use it professionally?

Dude, you're a doctor.

I know, but, you know, when a woman comes in and she's, like, "I want a face lift," I'm, like, "Child, please!"



No, it doesn't even go.

I think you need to come up with something more... Andre-ish.

"Try the veal... child."

What was that one?

Try the veal, child.

Try the veal.

I use J-Date!

I don't...

I'm not even Jewish.

I cry myself to sleep.

I'm an adult virgin.


Not... not even true.

Do you have any draft advice for me?

I'll draft you first if you give me some good advice. - Hey...

If you draft me first...


...you won't need any advice.

Yeah. Try the veal, man.

Can you shut up?

What? I'm trying.


He's a totally normal guy.

Does he have his own room?

Wha... Wha... uh... Huh?

You didn't!


Oh, you asshole!

What have you done to Shiva?

Oh, it's not the Shiva anymore.

It's "The Dre."

Why are you dressed like a ballerina?

I'm not dressed like a ballerina; I'm dressed like a weightlifter.

Why are you dressed like a weightlifter?

That is heresy.

You made a god in your own image, Andre.

You're doomed.

I'm not doomed.

It's the Shiva.

It's the Dre.

It's the Shiva.

It's the Dre.

No, it is the Shiva!

Guys, guys, guys, we can reach a compromise here, okay?

Let's call it the She-Dre.


Well, no, wait, that's his name.

So we'll call him She-Dre... her, we'll call her She-Dre.

No, call me Andre or Winner or League Champion.

Hey, She-Dre, is there any beer in here?

I don't care what you guys say.

I'm a winner, I'm a champion.

Respect me and respect the Dre.

All right, this is just a pit stop because I have reservations at this molecular gastronomy place that is supposed to be off off the hook.

Oh, my God.

We're not going there.

Can you back off with this thing?

What are you doing, a book report?

One word, my friend... stripper sound ringtones.

That is three words.

You realize you could have one that's ten times smaller than that.

Oh, hello, friends.


Look, he's making friends already.

Wow, look at that ass.

See, you guys are not focused at all on what is at hand here, okay?

The draft is upon us, and I am the only one focused with my eyes on the prize.

I'm picking first; I got nothing to worry about.

You guys...


You guys have to worry.

Do whatever you guys want, but take it from your league champion: QBs are all the rage this year.

Philip Rivers has been going in the first round in all my trainer leagues.

What, trainer leagues? What are you talking about, "trainer leagues"?


Uh, one second, we got a...

If you're such a great champion, why do you need a trainer league?

You know what? Why do you look like a background dancer from This ls It?

Philip Rivers... round one.

You draft Philip Rivers in the first round.

Go ahead. You know what?

You go ahead.

You guys have got it wrong.

Rivers isn't going before the third in any of my mock graphs.

What do you know about Rivers and drafts?

I won my league last year.

So what kind of league are you guys in?

Guys in... PPR, IDP, auction, dynasty?

Eight-man fantasy football league.

Yeah, losers take the winner out to dinner.

Why are you such an authority on fantasy football?

The players come in here.

They tell me everything they know.

You serious?



Um, I was actually curious about the rates for the, uh, the "champagne room."

I'd be interested in a little one-on-one time.

We're talking, like, $300 for a half hour.

Can we just do $200 and you can keep your clothes on?

I really just need the info.

Well, where's the fun in that?

I'll give you $250, you can keep your clothes on, and we'll do four rounds.

Why don't you guys just pool your money and come in together?

Oh, God, no, that's disgusting.

No, we don't cross streams.

No, I will give you $250.

You can keep a parka on.

It doesn't matter to me.

I don't care what you're wearing.

I just want some sleepers.

No, no, no, $300.

I just need 15 minutes, three rounds, but I need three sleepers.

$400 for Kevin.




You get the first pick of the draft.

That's the only advantage you get.

I have a really good feeling about Felix Jones in the second round this year.

I think he's poised for a huge breakout season... - Felix Jones?


Why go with Felix Jones in the second when you can have Ricky Williams in the ninth?

End of the year, their stats are still going to be the same.

That is very good advice, Ambrosia, very good advice.

No, no, no, I-I don't need... I have a couple more rounds to get through here.

Let's keep moving.

Gentlemen, welcome to the Helm's Deep of the 2010 Fantasy Draft.

Wow, wow.


Look around, take it in.

It's all here.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Beautiful women, free beer.

This is what you get when your league champion is also a winner at life.

You know, gentlemen, I'd like you all to prepare for the year of the Andre-nation.


What did you say?

The domi-Dre-tion.


That was a quick one.


What's up?

What's up, Ocho?

What's good? Are we ready to get this thing started?

Is everybody here, first off?

The two out-of-town idiots are on auto-draft, but I haven't seen Vince all... He's supposed to be coming, right? I mean...

Oh, that's right, I spoke to Vince.

He's not going to make it to Vegas, and he's actually out of the league.

What? Now you tell us?


I just found out, like, a month ago.

Oh, you're a dick.

An eight-team league is already weak as it is.

Y'all call me when y'all figure it out, all right? - You got it.

All right, Chad.

Hey, quick question.

Do these look cool?

Child, please.

He "child, pleased" me, he "child, pleased" me.

Jesus Christ, Ruxin, why didn't you say anything?

What is wrong with you?

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

You guys need a problem solver.

C'est moi.

I will solve your problems, all right?

That's why I have invited Raffi to join the league.


No, no, no, no.

First off, he's terrible.

Secondly, he's in Chicago.

No, actually I had him You suck...

(Raffi imitates explosion)

Oh, boy.

Raffi bomb.

What's up, guys? Andre.

I can see his pen1s beard.

How's it going, guys?

I'm so excited to belong to something.

Well, it's not definite yet, right?

Yeah, we haven't...

He said it's definite, he said it's on.

All right, let's get this thing started, right?

What is this?

It's the draft board, Raffi.

You know behind this there are girls, right?

Are you kidding me?

Has it come to this?

Is this our only option?

I don't know, guys, you might have one more option.


Babe, what the hell are you doing here?

Aw, I missed you, too, babe.

Good to see you.

I was talking to Vince's wife on the phone.

She said Vince was out.

I thought you guys might need an eighth.

Um, I guess we...

We got our eighth, we got Raffi.

Well, not really, not yet.

I don't know, guys, I think that this might, might actually need a vote.

Yes, a vote, please.

Okay, yeah, no, I want a vote.

What are we voting for?

You don't get a vote, Raffi.

Why not? I'm in the league.

This is humiliating.

No, come on.

Yeah, me sitting here next to you wait... humiliating.

Want to make out, past the time?



No, I don't.

Okay, sorry.

I've got to ask.

It's a numbers game, you know?


Thank you.

Um, so we talked about it and we've come to a decision and, uh, congratulations, Raffi.

Yeah, whoo!

In your face!


I'm so sorry.

Are you kidding me?!

You picked him?!

(Jenny groans)


Don't be mad.

Is she single?

What's her story?

That's my wife.

Wow, is it working out?

And it's official... Raffi is part of our league.

All right.

Here we go.

Let's do it.

Hey, can we please get this draft started?

Yes, let's do it.

Let's rock, let's get it.

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

It's a secret vote.

Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would have voted for you.

There's already one woman in this league.

Ain't that right, She-Dre?


You, too, really?

I'm paying for your room, man.

I don't know, guys, I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl.

Babe... - I think you did it because you're scared of me.

You can still be on my team, if you want to be.

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

How are you going to do that?

Ruxin, do you want some help?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

It's unfair.

Fortune favors the just!

I like it. Alright, first pick of the 2010 draft running back, Chris Johnson.

I'm not your sticker bitch.

Good point.

There it is! Huh?

Taco has traded his number three pick for Ruxin's... - And Jenny's.

...number six pick in the draft.

What are you getting in return?

Oh, nothing, six is my lucky number.

Did you want me in the league?

I love you?

I would... let's go get married all over again.

We're in Vegas.

Ruxin, I've got some awesome sleepers.

You know my friend Mike?


Mike Ochocinco.

Same last name... maybe you guys are related.



It's just not so often you meet a guy with the exact same Spanish numerals as a last name.

Raffi, it's your pick.

Fine, whatever, blah, blah, blah, this guy.

All right?

All right.

A kicker?

A kicker.

Adam Vinatieri.

I like kickers.

Round three... Aaron Rodgers.


No, Taco was there first.

I want Manning.


Probably one of the fastest to ever play the game.

Never played the game too well at night.

Too many people underestimated him...

Oh, I got it, I got it...

DeAngelo Williams.

How did, how did...?

Oh, how do you do this?

Rux, it's so easy, baby.

Want me to explain it to you?

I hate this game!

Child, please.

Dre, no, we just talked about using that.

I know, I thought I could say it a little.

Jesus Christ, man, I'm out of here, man.

No, I mean, I'll stop.

Hey, Kevin, you put my tenth round pick up yet?

Packers need a middle.


Passing to Taco.

Hey, where did you guys get the tubes?

Where did you get these tubes?

Oh, look at this board.

It's good.

I mean, look at my lineup.

I know.

Ohh... I'm sorry, Miles Austin in the fifth?

(Ruxin and Jenny moaning)

Stop roster-bating, please.

You can't just m*st*rb*t* to your lineup in public.

Kevin, you're just jealous 'cause you took a big sh1t in the pool and put it up on the board.

Are you allowed to take a sh1t in the pool?


Oh, God.

Gentlemen, table service provided by the Dre.

Why doesn't it have a pen1s?

Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.

It has a pen1s, I mean...

Yeah, here it is.

Look, it's a little pen1s.

Touch it.



That is...


My wife is hotter than her and her.

My wife's hotter than her.

My wife's hotter than her.

Okay, we get it!

You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.

Ah, but you know who the prettiest lady at the party is?

My lineup!


Oh, my God, you wrote your lineup on a napkin.

You wouldn't let me bring the board.

Look at this.

It is nice, though.

(loud moaning)

All right, enough with the roster-batory fantasies, okay?

Do that in private.

Hey, hola, Ocho!

Whassup, baby?

Come here.

Hey, man.

Hey, boys.

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing, just hanging out with Chad, talking football.

Oh, yeah, hey, she knows her sh1t.

Jen, work the rope, baby.

All righty.

Let in who you want.

You're good.

You're good.

Not you.

You're good.

♪ Champagne room... ♪

Come on in.


You're really not gonna let me in?

VIP Room's got enough members.

Would you mind, uh, letting my friend in, please?


I don't like his attitude.

Well, yeah, neither do I.

I mean, obviously, he's grumpy, he's a pill, he's no fun to be around.

I'm standing right here.

He's one of these sick, disgusting individuals who actually has more fun with his wife... I don't get it.

I'm perverse.


Yes. I just got to ask how much you spent on that dress.

Because if it's more than...

No, no. Go, go, go, go.

To Pete! To Pete!

Good luck, you guys.

Oh, thanks, guys.

Stop, you know what? Stop.

To Andre.

I planned this whole weekend.

Hey, Taco, you want a ring tone?


Andre is your champion!

Yeah, that's not gonna sell.

Ooh, can you make that straw noise again?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

You guys don't get it.

You don't get it.

I don't care what you guys say.

So watch out, world, because I... am... a champion!

And this year, you're all gonna get And-raped! Whoo!

That made me feel ill.

I'm gonna go use the bathroom upstairs.

Why don't you just go to the bathroom right here?

Oh, did they replace all the liquid soap with conjunctivitis?

How long have you known me?

Oh, oh! Ambrosia!

Get up here and dance with me!

I'm a champion, you're a champion... come on!

Yeah! Whoo!

I got the trophy. I got the girl.

Oh, sh1t, this is my jam!


No, get out of here, man.

♪ What?! Ooh, ooh! ♪

Get him out of here!

He's rich, I've got a huge dick... let's do this!

No! No! We're not gonna...

No, no! Get out of here!

You get out of here!

You get out of here!

Bump stuff with me... chicks dig it when dudes kiss and bump stuff.

No, we're not gonna kiss...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

(all gasp)

(yelling in pain)

Aah! I'm inside me!

Oh, my God.

I just struck gold.

Oh, my God, is he okay?


Well, you know what they say, guys.

What happens in Vegas stays in Andre.

Oh, hello.

God, you're beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now give you "I'm lnside Me."

Taco, what...?

I'm inside me!

♪ I'm inside me the best place to be Like Sinead O'Connor ♪
♪ Nothing compares to me I'm the best of the best ♪
♪ So why bother with the rest? ♪
♪ Wine and dine myself just to get myself undressed ♪
♪ Tell me where I be I'm inside me! Aah! ♪
♪ I'm inside me! I'm like a bed without sheets ♪
♪ No one can cover me and I'm a lover, baby and my love is me ♪
♪ Tell me where I be... I'm inside me! Aah! ♪
♪ I'm inside me! Bald, white Dr. Dre Who found out the hard way ♪
♪ Tell me where I be I'm inside me... Aah! ♪

I'm inside me...

Too soon.

(groans): Oh, got Reggie Wayne in the fourth, and then worked it and got Miles Dawson in the fifth. Oh!

Oh, Montario Hardesty.

Chose that one purely based on name.

Then went back, did some research... psyched I got him!

And then I snuck a little Eli Manning in there.

That goddamn mouth-breathing dummy.

Oh, Ruxin!


That's disgusting, Ruxin!

Come on.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

I don't think so.

No. Mm-mm.

No, don't take a picture of me!

Come on!

Racist lions don't like playing the game.

Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.

President Andrew Jackson?

Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?

Really nice.

How we doing, gentleman?

Doing great. How are you?

Doing great. Listen, I got a question for you.

The code, those hand signals, the snapping... what's going on here?

We don't tolerate counting cards.

No, we're not counting cards.

No, we're just playing a game, sir.

It's just...

Oh, okay, a game.

I like games.

Why don't you explain the rules of the game to me, then?

I think we'd all love to hear the rules of the game.

Uh... it's a verbal game that involves snap...

Sir...we're counting cards.

Good night, gentlemen.

No! No!

No, you would rather go to casino jail than tell me how this works?

Yeah, of course.