02x02 - Bro-Lo El Cunado

Babe, I'm having week one issues.

Which tie?

Left.

Ricky Williams or Toby Gerhardt?

I am not sure. What do you think?

I don't know. I am not in the league.

I have no opinion.

Yet you have an opinion about ties and you're not an ltalian tie-maker.

What?

Are you mad about the whole Vegas thing?

No.

No, I'm not mad at all.

Well, then, help me out with this decision, then.

Okay, I'm a little mad.

I knew it.

See?

You're making a big deal out of this thing.

(Kevin grunts)

Whoa, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I-I do not, I don't know what...

This is intimacy, sweetheart.

This is what you signed on for.

This is not intimacy, okay?

Intimacy is spooning.

This is like watching the Nature Channel.

I thought we were comfortable with our bodies.

I am incredibly uncomfortable right now.

Can you at least toss me the cordless?

I don't think what I did was wrong; I feel like it was fine.

Ruxin: You're a vile animal.

No, look, she's the person I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

I should be allowed to be comfortable being myself around her.

Pete: Isn't there such a thing as too much sharing?

Yeah, you want to talk about too much sharing?

She pulled me into the labor room.

So this is payback for the placenta.

Payback for the placenta, right.

Placenta is beautiful.

It literally is the circle of life.

It looks like a Hefty bag that washed up on the shore.

And by the way, after Vegas, you were already in the doghouse with Jenny, so you really have to show some sort of effort.

I don't understand what "effort" means.

You got to keep it spontaneous, so that's why every 2.6 months, I make a grand gesture.

You know, the rest of the year I coast by.

It's like how studios release these big blockbuster movies and then the rest of the year, they just sort of fart out Katherine Heigl dreck.

Like, I'm gonna take Sofia this weekend and I'm gonna give her a Terrific Lady Day...

A Terrific Lady Day?

You do whatever they want and you got to look interested the whole day.

"What's that?

Heirloom tomatoes are different from regular tomatoes?

Amazing."

And at the end of that day, we will adjourn to our bedroom and we will culminate with me entering my wife.

(all groaning)

Enough.

No, no, no.

We don't want to hear about it.

Are you kidding me?

When we were dating, all you wanted to hear was s*x details about Sofia.

Yeah, but you're married now and we're literally as bored with it as you are.

It's like second-generation stale to us.

But he does have a point.

You need to find that little thing that says...

I got to put in some effort.

Oh, Raffi's coming by for a drink.

You invited him here?

Why?

'Cause he's in the league.

He's our friend.

You know we hate him, right?

You realize that?

We call him El Cunado.

He's vile.

By the way, "El Cunado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make it sound dirty.

No, it does sound dirty.

El Cunado.

Cunado.

When did you become such a fan of El Cunado?

You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Guys, uh, over here at 2:00, there's this chick I work with.

We're up for the same case, it's a big thing, and, uh, she's one of those Goody Two-Shoes.

She's a team player, she uses words like "synergy."

She's, she's kissing Taco.

What the (bleep) is going on?

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

Taco: How's it going?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, just so you know, in your inbox, there is a corrected version of your motion for The State v.

Kinley.

Also, check your inbox.

I sent you a message.

My neighbor's cat's still making that noise.

Oh, these are some of Kevin's friends.

They're in a fantasy football league together.

It's a tad childish, but hey, they enjoy it.

I won it.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, you know you're in it, too, Taco, right?

Yeah, just to humor them.

That's so thoughtful of you.

(phone rings)

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna have to take this.

Yeah.

I may be right back.

(both sigh)

Probably O'Connor... he's a ballbuster, that guy.

Yeah, O'Connor is my boss, too, Taco.

What the hell's he doing calling her?

I don't know, man.

I'm off the clock.

You don't have a clock, Taco.

Yeah, I do, in my kitchen.

It makes animal noises.

Oh.

Okay, I am turning this off.

All right.

And I am officially yours.

Okay.

(both moaning)

God, you smell good.

Babe.

Hey.

How much do you love this guy, huh?

What did you do?

I made a plan.

You know that O'Connor fund- raiser I have downtown this weekend?

Yeah.

I'm gonna make a whole adult weekend out of the thing.

We're gonna get a hotel, we're gonna go out to dinner.

It's gonna be awesome.

A real grown-up date?

Yes, we are going to get dressed up, we're going to drink urbane $17 martinis.

I might even talk politics.

Ooh, I love when you talk politics.

Yeah, a little urban housing development.

Oh.

Little financial crisis.

Oh, come on.

Little Ben Bernanke.

Ben Bernanke.

Yeah, how's that sound?

Say it again.

So you in?

So in.

Good.

Yeah.

You guys ready for week one?

Yeah.

Week one.

I'm very excited.

And I really see some good matchups this weekend, huh?

The unblinking eye of Sauron has Grima Wormtongue in his sights.

It's amazing how pointless and terrible your analogies are.

I can't believe I'm actually rooting for Ruxin to win here, but I really...

Raffi in the house!

What's up, my boys?

Hey, it's Raffi.

How's it going, bros?

Raffi bringing the heat right away.

Oh, man.

Funny.

What are we talking about?

Talking about, uh, football... week one.

Oh, man, I am killing it in my fantasy football league.

We didn't even st... this is week one of the fantasy football league.

No, no, no, real football, like in England.

You mean fútbol?

Yeah.

Soccer?

No, sorry, that's, that's what, that's what assholes call it.

Sorry.

Ah, the shit-talking has already started between week one adversaries Raffi and Kevin..

Raffi, what are you... Oh, my God.

That's yours now.

I'm in your head, bro.

Get ready, 'cause I am coming for you.

Prepare yourself, because I am literally going to sodomize you on the battlefield.

I'm going to have nonconsensual s*x with your face and butt.

All right.

And then I'm coming for your wife and your kids.

Hey, Raffi.

I'm just kidding, man, just busting balls.

Jukebox.

I'm gonna put seven dollars' worth of Hoobastank in it, and I'm coming back to hang with you bros.

He's so funny, man.

You know, within 48 seconds, he sucked all the fun out of the room.

He's a fun vacuum.

You guys, he's the new guy.

You just... you razz him a little, but you take advantage of him in trades.

He's more worthless than the black Thompson Twin.

You know, I can't tell if that's more dated or more racist. Any thoughts?

That might be racist.

I think it's more dated.

Either way, you're right, though.

Oh... we're out of beer, bro.

You should get us another round.

Oh, God, I'm out of here.

What are we doing this weekend?

Wait a minute.

I got plans, man, sorry.

Come on.

I got plans, too, but these two single gentlemen are going to a party and they are trying to put together a posse.

Yeah.

What?

(laughing): Later, guys.

Oh, sh1t, you guys are crewing up?

Let's do this.

I don't even know if this party is happening.

I think the party is happening tomorrow night.

Sweet, yeah.

You should come with us, and you know why?

We have a tradition in the league.

It's a rule that we take turns...

Oh, on the same girl?

Well, no, we take turns as designated drivers, so since you're new to the league...

You are going to be the designated driver.

Awesome.

Pick us up at 8:00.

Oh, I don't have a car.

That's fine, you can just use Andre's.

Oh, no, I mean...

Perfect, done.

Thank you.

Cheers.

(indistinct chatter)

Thank you for my grown-up weekend.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Do you like my earrings?

I do.

When I dropped off Ellie, my mom just handed them over to me.

They were Grandma's.

That's an unbelievable trade-off.

I know.

Let's go overpay for some drinks.

Ah, good evening, gentlemen.

Hi.

Hello, Taco.

Taco, look at you.

Yeah, in Uncle Frank's suit.

Yeah. Gave me the suits when he became handicapped.

Did he? Hey.

There you are.

I was wondering where you were hiding.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Lily.

Hi.

This is my wife, Jenny.

Hi. And you are dating Taco?

Yes.

He's my hot date for tonight.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, good for you, guys.

We're not gonna let this ruin our grown-up weekend, babe...

No. Not.

We should go upstairs to our hotel room.

What are you gonna go upstairs for?

I mean, let's go upstairs to our hotel room.

I can't... I have O'Connor's speech.

I think you're just gonna have to be quick.

I can do that.

I know.

All right, let's go.

That car drives like garbage, am I right?

No, it doesn't drive like garbage.

It's a brand-new Porsche Cayenne, okay?

You don't know how to drive it.

You're pressing all the buttons.

It's not a video game.

I thought he did a fine job.

Thank you.

In fact, you should do this all the time for us.

He's not doing it all the time, all right?

I just want to go find this girl, just... I'll be back.

Wait, wait, wait, hang on.

If we get separated, I need to call you.

It's a house party.

We're not going to get separated.

I don't know where you're going to go.

Maybe you're off, like, finger blasting somebody.

Andre...

Finger blaster.

I'll put it in myself.

Dude, give me your e-mail.

Do you like funny videos?

No.

He loves funny videos.

Dude, seriously, I have such funny videos to send you.

Holy sh1t.

Great.

One of them's a pig having s*x with a monkey.

The monkey freaks out.

Excuse me, where you going?

I'm going to find my friend... Molly.

So, enjoy yourselves.

Um, well, nice to see you again.

Uh, what you got here?

Hmm?

Whoa, that's really strong.

Super strong, so I only have to drink a little.

'Cause, you know, I'm driving.

I think you're not supposed to be drinking anything, 'cause you're driving, right?

I'm the designated driver.

When you need somebody to drive, I do it.

But there's an implied value that you might be sober.

Well, I will be... like 30 minutes before we're going to leave, you give me the heads up, I'll go to the bathroom, I'll crap the booze out, have a mint, good to go.

Crap and a mint?

Crap the booze out.

It works?

Sort of, yeah.

Voila.

Oh, my God.

I love Terrific Lady Day.

Yeah, you should, but you know what you're going to love even more?

Terrific Lady Night.

Ooh.

You were really good today.

You didn't complain once at the farmer's market, and you held my hand.

Mm-hmm. Who else is going to hold your hand when you're looking at organic squash for 20 minutes?

And the best part is...

Mm-hmm?

...you didn't mention football once.

Well, there are no games on Saturday in the NFL, that are more important than you.

And I also want to say, thank you.

For what?

For taking my brother into the league.

We love him.

I loathe him.

I loathe the El Cunado.

He's awful.

Like, it's almost like a joke.

It is a joke.

I know what you mean.

This party is awesome.

What is this?

That's my drink.

Mm, El Cunado like.

All right, I'll check you guys later.

Dick punch!

Oh.

Let's all get the same girl pregnant tonight.

Did you see that?

He embraces the El Cunado nickname.

It's like we're throwing feces at him and he's just playing with it.

It's horrible.

The worst thing that's ever happened to us.


This is our 9-11.

Oh, my God.

That's the girl.

That's Molly.

It's no big deal.

It's just like a brand-new Porsche Cayenne.

Porsche?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, what color is it?

Green, like the color of money... and the color of your eyes.

She seems to have taken a shine to the gaucho stylings of El Cunado.

Okay, you know what, this isn't funny anymore.

Fix this. It's your fault.

Get rid of him. Right now.

I don't care how.

I got it, I got it.

I'm going to do to him what I do to you.

What's that?

Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it.

I don't know what your deal is, but I found these pills in the medicine cabinet.

Hi. Um, would you excuse us for just a second, please?

Okay, but I'll see you later?

All right, I'll talk to you later, Blondie.

(chuckles)

Dude, how hot is that?

Very well done.

Look, there's another situation developing we need to talk about.

Do you see... see that guy over there?

Yeah.

Dude, that's Matt Forte... running back from the Chicago Bears.

The redhead?

No, no, no.

Yeah, it's the other guy... the black one.

He is shit-faced.

Look at him.

Hold on a second.

Isn't he on your team?

Oh, yeah, he is.

Yeah, whoa.

Oh, that's not cool.

Yeah, and they're playing the Lions at home tomorrow, man.

He's going to be useless.

What do I do?

Man, I think you know what you got to do.

You think I should kill him?

No, I was thinking, you know, you could trade him.

Maybe that's the better choice, you know.

Okay, okay.

Such a better choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, good, all right...

But the lineups lock in, like, 20 minutes.

So you got to get a move on.

sh1t. Okay, got to just get out of here, go to an lnternet cafe, make the trade.

Get it done, man.

Hey, man, that stuff I said about killing him, please don't tell anybody I said that.

Especially if he ends up dead.

Awesome. Thanks so much.

You're welcome.

Hey, Blondie, want to drive a Porsche?

Oops.

So, what happened?

Uh, basically a success.

A couple of minor casualties... your car and your girl.

But otherwise, he's gone.

It's good.

Son of a bitch!

Andre... so difficult to please.

Go, go, go, go!

No, no, no. Come back.

Come back!

Get him back here.

You got to get him back.

What, you want him gone, you want him back.

I'm not a miracle worker.

I don't want him gone with my car.

It's fine.

He's got your number.

He'll call you back.

I gave him a fake number.

Why would you do that?

'Cause girls do that to me all the time, you know?

Did it feel good?

It felt really good... till now.

I feel like a new man.

Yeah.

Quick yet effective.

I am quick, you are effective.

You know, babe, I wouldn't even worry about the whole Taco and Lily thing.

I think it is a blessing in disguise.

Taco is like career kryptonite.

You get dumber just by being around him.

I love Taco, you know I do.

I just... I think in the end that she's gonna end up creating a bigger mess and you're gonna look like a golden boy.

(coughs)

Ew!

Are you okay?

I choked on some water.

Was that the glass that was sitting right next to the sink?

Yeah.

No.

It hurts down my throat.

You just drank Grammy's earrings.

What?!

Yes.

Damn it, you're going to have to throw up.

I am not a 16-year-old girl who thinks she's fat and lives in Florida.

Do you understand me?

I will cut them out of you.

You will... What, this is not blood diamonds, sweetheart.

They are coming out tonight.

I don't care if we have to spend our entire grown-up weekend making you vomit.

Come back to bed, Rodney.

I'll be back in a sec.

I'm just grabbing another bottle of champagne.

What the hell's this?

Why is he offering me Forte?

Are you coming back to bed?

Just a second, baby.

I stubbed my toe.

I miss you, Rodney.

I can have it all.

I deserve it all.

Honey, you've never done this before.

Do you like it?

Yeah. This is unlike you.

Yeah, it's unlike me, but you know who it isn't like?

The attorney general.

Like the sound of that?

Take me away, Attorney General.

I will.

You're being put away for years.

You know why?

I'm so sorry for whatever I did.

You're under arrest for being too sexy.

You stay right there.

All right, baby.

All right.

Let's do this thing.

You ready to get into it?

Yeah.

You ready to find out what's going on?

Yeah.

Ooh.

What's next, baby, what's next?

I've got to figure out if you're ready to play, right?

Yeah.

What's your problem?

Is it your ankle?

(chuckles)

Uh-oh.

Could it be... ooh, is it your meniscus?

Baby, I don't even know what a meniscus is.

Is it the anterior cruciate ligament?

Can it be a disciplinary problem?

Ooh, yeah.

I've been a bad, bad girl.

Oh, yeah?

You need to be reprimanded?

I need a spanking.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've been a bad girl.

Just drink this.

Ew.

Okay.

No.

You good?

Yeah.

You're not going...

I'm fine.

Seriously?

Yeah...

(groans) Oh, God!

Did it work?

No.

Are you going to throw up?

No. I just feel hurt.

I'm sorry.

I just... Ow!

I'm doing it because I want you to throw out.

How is it possible that your stomach is more stubborn than you are?

I don't know.

Look, it's clearly not working.

We're going to have to try phase two.

No. What's phase two?

It's going out the other end.

No, no, no, I'm not...

B-side, B-side, come on.

I am not a biologist.

I'm not rummaging through my own feces like a raccoon.

Go.

Aw, I hate phase two.

No, no, no, phase two is not a public event.

I am pretty sure it was very public a couple days ago when I was brushing my teeth.

I have to go downstairs and listen to O'Connor's speech.

Lily's going to be there.

She's not going to miss it.

Before I get into that stuff and some of these concerns, I want to thank all of you for being here tonight... for taking time out of your life for being here.

Uh, I want to talk about a couple of things that concern me personally.

They also concern you.

Babe, I don't feel good.

You're fine.

No, it's all starting to hit me now.

And that you have, is what makes us a country... - I've got to go to the bathroom and throw up.

No, no.

You are not going to throw up Gramma's earrings in a public toilet.

I've got to throw up somewhere.

...Once and for all, we've got to come up with a plan.

Just breathe.

Relax, you're fine.

Got to get the people in there.

That's where they live.

I'm not fine.

I got to go. I got to go.

Oh, God!

(retching)

(all gasping)

Wait, oh!

Oh, my God, I got 'em!

That totally worked.

Don't know what I'm going to do with that kid.

Oh, God, we're good.

There's more.

(Kevin vomits, guests gasp)

This is too good to be true.

Should I do this?

Do this, baby.

I'm gonna accept it.

Yeah, baby.

You ready to accept it?

Oh, I am, as you see.

I am going to ravage you.

Yeah, baby.

You, too.

(Sofia sighs)

All right.

Let's do this, honey.

It is done.

This is exciting.

I can't see you.

(Sofia chuckles)

Be back in a sec, honey.

♪ Just going ball-deep On the league. ♪

Ooh, nice leggies.

What are you doing here?

You're not answering your phone tonight, not checking text messages?

No, I'm not.

Okay, here's the situation.

Your brother stole my car.

He's not my brother.

Brolo El Cuñado.

If he has s*x in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Well, someone will finally have s*x in that car.

I went down on a girl in that car.

That wasn't a girl.

Yes, Turner's syndrome, XXY.

Don't worry about that.

This idiot told your brolo that some drunk dude at a party was Matt Forte and he'd better drop him cause he's too drunk to play tomorrow.

Do you remember that time when we saw that random asian dude at Uno's and we told Andre it was Anquan Boldin?

Anquan. Quan... Asian name.

Michelle Kwan. All right?

(singsongy): Rodney.

Come to bed.

Yeah, in a second, sweetie.

What you got going on back there?

It's Terrific Lady Night.

Ugh!

It's not Terrific Lady and Two Assholes Night, so get out!

What are you looking at?

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

You picked up Matt Forte?

I'm playing him tomorrow.

He's now gonna destroy me 'cause he's got Forte.

Yeah, it's gonna be a savaging.

You did a trade during Terrific Lady Night.

Well done!

Thank you.

Drop him.

Leave!

Drop him.

Leave.

What's it gonna be, guys?

Good night, gentlemen.

Okay.

See you later.

Rodney!

Hey, hey, hey, no, I'm coming right here, baby.

What happened?

I'm right here, baby.

What happened to Terrific Lady Day?

Oh, it's still Terrific Lady Day.

Mmm...

Mmm, here I am.

Mmm-mmm.

Honey, where are you?

I'm right here, baby.

Where?

I'm right here.

Don't you want me?

Yeah, I'll make you beg for it.

Yeah, you're my little...

Come on, baby, bring it.

I'm touching you with rose petals because if anybody else touched you, I would take their nuts and put 'em in a beanbag and then let fat people sit on them.

Okay, baby, you don't have to get upset.

Okay? I'm not gonna do it.

You're getting so emotional, honey.

I'm a bit emotional right now.

I don't mind if you cry during s*x again.

I like it.

I don't cry during s*x.

Yes, you do.

It's just that I'm allergic.

I have sensitive eyes, okay?

That's the issue.

Come on, baby, bring those tears over here.

Come get it. Come get mama.

Oh, you put on some corduroy pants, huh?

No, I just put on pants for a second.

I'm gonna take 'em off in just a second.

Naughty boy.

No, no, I'm leaving 'em on!

I'm leaving the pants on, okay?

Making it tough for mama.

I don't like that when you put that there at all.

I know that you like this.

No, no, no, oh, I don't like that at all.

Oh, oh, yes, you do.

You love it when I put it there.

Fine. I will do this, but I'm gonna get even with you.

Okay.

Okay, are we happy now?

Where? Honey?!

We are filthy.

We are horrible.

Get out. Go.

Hello? Ruxin?

Go!

Ah, here we go.

You guys know where Andre is?

Whoa-ho, look at this!

Are you kidding me?

Raffi, what are you doing here?!

I gotta give Andre his car back.

Relax, man, you don't have to cover her up.

We shared a room till we were 18.

Oh, God!

Fella, I need to thank you for making that trade just now.

You made a trade on Terrific Lady Day?

(Raffi groaning)

No, I didn't make a trade on Terrific Lady Day!

I would never do that!

I swear to God.

I think I'm gonna barf.

Oh, my God!

All these candles are all vanilla.

That triggers a gag reflex in me.

Get out of here!

I gotta lie down for a second.

(Sofia shrieks)

Sometimes when I puke, I sh1t.

No!

Raffi!

He's having a very special night with his wife.

And you, my friend, got a little foot jibber from Sofia.

What a night! (chuckles)

All right! Oh!

Alright!

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Holy...

El Cunado.