02x03 - The White Knuckler

Ruxin: I like how your wife doesn't make us use coasters.

Kevin: She actually does, so can you please do it? Thanks.

Pete: Jeez.

All right. Fine.

Here you go.

A little coaster.

Oh...

(Ruxin chuckling)

Oh, wow.

Really?

Weight Training for Dummies?

I'm getting a home gym.

And apparently, you're not ashamed to admit you know absolutely nothing about it.

Yeah. What?

I'm not Chuck Norris.

I don't know about a home gym, so I get the book.

Usually we have to root around for your shortcomings like a pig hunting for truffles, but this is just right in front of our faces.

I like the books.

They make things simple.

Uh...

Did you just say "books"?

(whistles)

That's a lot of books.

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Because this is my own personal research library.

Stretching for Dummies.

Yeah.

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Those things are high- pressure situations.

Cryptography for Dummies.

Three seconds.

What is cryptography?

You know what?

That one came in a set.

Let's see what else.

Oh, Kevin.

Law for Dummies?

I should have hid that one.

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

It's full of common sense legal advice.

Jesus.

Oh... Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies.

Oh.

How hard is it to hang out on a beach in Mexico?

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge from Your Friends for Dummies?

'Cause that's one you should have bought.

Oh, come on, Andre.

You're not really a doctor.

Andre: Uh, I am a doctor.

Andre, cut the sh1t, all right?

It's just us.

There's no girls around.

You're-you're barely a doctor.

I save lives.

I make people look better.

Oh, my God.

Taco: Oh, speaking of which, um...

Do you have any time this week?

I need a haircut.

I'm not a barber.

I could give you a hair replacement.

These week-two match-ups are killing me.

Yeah, you've got Kevin this week, man.

He's stacked.

You got any advice as to what I should do?

Yeah.

Definitely.

What, you want me to tell you?

(laughing)

Are you crazy?

Well, here's what I'm thinking.

I got to throw a Hail Mary.

I'm going to put Josh Cribbs in as my flex and hope that he runs one back against Kansas City.

Wow.

That's creative.

It's my only option, honestly.

You know what is not an option?

My law firm is making me do community service again.

What is it this time?

They're sending me to a hospital that helps Make-A-Wish kid's dream come true.

Well, I think you'll be making his dream come true when you actually leave, but sounds fun.

If, God forbid, someone went down right now in this bar.

Okay.

What would be your first course of action?

Establish age and s*x of the patient.

103 years old, male.

Probably old age.

I'm not going to waste time on them.

Oh, my God.

See? Exactly.

A normal doctor would have tried to help the person.

I save lives.

When these women come into my practice, some of them are really down on their bodies.

You're doing the Lord's work, buddy.

Thank you.

I know I am.

Okay.

You guys might find this interesting.

Well, I think that's an assumption.

I am thinking of expanding my practice.

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell.

Real class act.

Is he, uh...

Is he black?

How did you know?

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act," they're talking about a head coach who's black.

Mm-hmm.

Tony Dungy.

What a class act.

Total.

Lovie Smith.

Class act.

Class act.

I never noticed that.

I mean, that happens all the time.

It's not just football.

Sportscasters use these code words in all of the sports.

Uh, if they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like Ozzie Guillen is, a...

Firecracker.

Firecracker.

Latin guys are always "firecracker."

Spark plug.

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Mm-hmm.

Wes Welker is, like, a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Yeah, which is code word for white.

Always a white guy.

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Inscrutable.

Yes.

There you go.

All right, well, this is exactly what I don't want to be.

I don't want to be racist.

I don't know what's racist and what's not racist.

Neither do I.

So, call him African American, then?

No, you can say "black."

I'm not offended.

Why would you be offended?

I'm half black.

Mom is ltalian.

Oh, I know.

I'm black on the inside.

What are you up here?

A race car driver.

What lap are you on?

33.

Uh, anyone want to go see a movie tonight? Pete?

No, I'm good.

I got a date tonight.

You going out with Brooke again?

Yep.

You all cool with that?

Yeah, that's fine.

It was ages ago.

You don't mind having s*x with someone that Kevin has also had s*x with?

No, I mean, it's basically like a public bathroom.

Do I know people who have been in there?

Sure.

But I like to pretend I'm the first.

Oh, yeah.

'Cause you guys are Eskimo brothers.

(clicking tongue)

Now, if you could just get rid of this pesky girl, the two of you guys could be in th igloo all by yourselves, Use some ** for lube.

Thank you.

What was her nickname in high school?

She was in your class, right, Taco?

What did you call her?

Was she a gym rat or a spark plug?

No, she had a funny name.

It was, um...

The White Knuckler.

Oh, right.

'Cause when she gave you a hand job, she'd squeeze so tight, you could actually see the whites of her knuckles.

Yup.

I can't speak to what happened in the past, but I can assure you, she's worked out all the kinks since, okay?

Old habits die hard.

I got to get out of here, guys.

I have to leave, too.

I have a martial arts class.

Ooh. Looky, looky.

Really?

Really, yeah.

I really enjoy it.

It teaches me focus, discipline, and focus.

Uh, that's your third beer, Taco.

Namaste, Taco.

You've se Kevin and he's cool with the whole... us?

Totally cool with it.

Yeah? That's good.

Yeah, I mean, I'm cool with it, and I'm glad you can bring it up, and it sounds like you're cool with it.

I'm totally cool with it.

And I think we're cool.

Oh.

(smooching)

All right.

(chuckles)

So, what's Kevin been up to?

He's got this home gym obsession right now.

So I'm going to go work out over there.

What?

Oh, yeah, he's...

Kevin has a home gym?

Yeah, he...

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

You haven't seen him in, like...

It was almost ten years ago, and he had, like...

Yeah, he had that, like, flabby thing on his arm and he was...

Wait, wait.

Under here, by the way.

Look, he was a pudgy guy.

I mean...

We all make mistakes.

We do.

That was a long time ago, so...

I remember, in high school, always thinking...

To his credit, he had, like, a really pretty cock.

Excuse me?

I just feel like the male anatomy is always so sort of grotesque, and it's like watching a science fiction film down there.

But he had, like...

He had, like a really pretty cock and cute balls.

It was, like, a really elegant package, to be honest.

Hmm. Um...

I just, like, realized that that's probably, like, not the greatest...

Like, I don't... I don't mean...

Oh, no, no.

I didn't mean it in, like, a weird way.

That was just something that I...

Totally fine with it.

I'm not thinking about it.

You're clearly thinking about his pen1s.

You're not... I mean...

I am not thinking about Kevin's pen1s.

That's not... That's not even...

It's not something for us to think about.

Mm-mmm. No.

We don't even need to even think about it.

I feel like you're still thinking about it.

A little bit.

So, Colin, what do you think?

Let's get this wish thing happening.

What do you want?

Um, I want to meet a pro football player.

Okay. I want to meet a pro football player.

In fact, I have a roster of pro football players that we can meet.

Huh-ho.

Well, I want to meet my favorite player, Baltimore linebacker Terrell Suggs.

Well, he's a defensive player, and I don't even have that defense, so that's not happening.

But I do have Josh Cribbs, Cleveland Browns' kick returner?

I don't know.

Terrell Suggs is my wish.

Yeah, well, my wish was for a house on Nantucket and the respect of my peers, but we get what we get.

You're from Baltimore, huh?

Yup.

You watch The Wire?

No.

Oh, show's brutal.

You should check it out on Blu-ray.

Come on! Josh Cribbs!

All-time leading NFL kick returner.

I guess that's pretty cool.

We got a deal?

Let's do this.

What is this?

This is pretty depressing stuff.

Yeah.

You're going through some sh1t, huh?

Josh Cribbs!

You're gonna meet Josh Cribbs?

No.

Not only am I gonna meet him.

I'm going to be able to ask him to make my wish come true.

You mean, the kid's wish come true, Ruxin.

Melanoma, melanamea.

All right?

Really?

Yeah. I'm gonna be able to say to him, "I know this poor sick kid and his wish is for you to have the game of a lifetime this weekend.

If you don't return two kickoffs for touchdowns, maybe a buck 50 multipurpose yards, this poor little kid's gonna die disappointed.

Can you do that for me, Josh Cribbs?"

"Yeah, I can do that for you, Ruxin, but only if you go Jet Skiing with me."

"Okay, Cribbs, I can do that."

I'm gonna crush you this weekend.

How do you even sleep at night?

Usually on my side with a pillow between my legs.

Ellie, can you please be careful up there?!

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Jesus, what the...

What are you doing?!

What is that?

What? It's a short-sleeved plaid shirt.

I've worn it before.

Not the...

The gigantic spear you brought.

Oh, it's for my martial arts class.

It's a naginata.

Speclizing in the art of wielding the naginata, known as the naginatajutsu.

Jesus!

Okay, relax, man.

No. Put it away, Taco.

This is a park.

There are little kids.

It's ok, look, no one's around.

I'm not gonna hurt...

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

You cut the doll's head off.

You were a worthy opponent, little one, but no one survives the wrath of my blade.

Put it away.

What?

Put it away, and get out of here.

All right, fine.

(speaking foreign language)

What does that mean?

That's made up Japanese for, "I'm gonna go get high right now."

(Taco makes silly sound)

Oh, God.

(motor revving)

Did you start a legal fund for him yet?

Can't we just plead frittata?

There is a precedent for it.

Yeah! (yells and whoops)

I want to tell you what my ten-year plan is.

I'm a doctor, but I also need to be a personality.

Those guys that are on that show Doctors...

Love it.

Well, me, too.

They're making a mint.

And you know why?

They put their face on a cream.

They've put their face on an ointment.

It's all about becoming the authority.

I want to become the Sanjay Gupta of plastic surgery.

Right.

You know, what Halliburton does for weapons, I want to do for dermabrasion.

You know what I mean?

I want to be the Pinkberry of plastic surgery.

I love that. I love that.

I mean, that's one of the reasons I agreed to meet with you today si it seems to me like you and I... we have the same mind for things.

What I love about you is that you can open up doors.

I mean, when people see your face, you know, it can really get a wider kind of, you know, patient base and... - Diversify.

Is that... Is that the word you're looking for, or...?

No, no, no, no, I did not...

I did not say that.

I didn't. I don't...I don't like diversity, 'cause it is... racist.

You're not a fan of diversity, or...?

I... I'm not talking about putting that out there.

I'm colorblind.

I had a lot of black friends when I was growing up.

You know, like-like, one of my best friends, Percy.

Percy?

Percy, yeah.

His mom made great food.

You'd spend the night...

Yeah, yeah.

You'd spend the night?

I didn't spend nights there, because my parents didn't like the part of town that he lived in.

Where is Percy now?

(whispers): He's in prison.

Yeah.

Oh.

Um... yeah, I'm gonna write that down.

I'm gonna send a care package to him.


Watch my form.

See, I don't break my wrist.

I saw it.

(Kevin groaning)

Come on. Watch!

You got to watch my form!

I'm watching. I...

That's the key.

Oh, God. Ugh!

All right, let's hit those pecs.

All right, fine.

God, let's do the bench.

I'll spot you, and you spot...

No spot, please.

Yes. No, no, no.

Weight Training for Dummies says, safety first.

Look, I don't give a sh1t what it says.

You go curl.

I don't need a spot...

I'm on posture patrol, all right?

I don't care what patrol you're on.

I'm...

Don't make me sit on you!

All right.

All right, I got it.

I'm fine.

Here we go. Open your eyes.

No, I'm good closed.

No. Weight Training for Dummies specifically says you have to open your eyes.

I don't want to. Ugh!

Oh, God! Ugh!

One, two, three.

Push, push.

You look at me.

We'll get through this together.

Push, come on.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I can't do... I can't do it.

Aw, come on, man.

You can do it.

No, I can't. I'm sorry.

What's the problem?

There's no problem. I just...

(Kevin laughs)

She told you about my pretty cock.

No.

No!

Yes!

That's what this whole thing is.

You couldn't look at me before, you're weird right now.

I have a pretty cock.

Don't say that, okay?

I don't want to spend any more time thinking about or visualizing what your PC may or may not look like, okay?

Just do me a favor.

Do you know what I'm saying?

My eyes are up here.

I'm-I'm looking right...Just please look me in the eyes. I'm not a piece of meat.

Thank you.

Focus.

Focus, focus, focus.

You're playing terribly.

Can I ask you some advice?

Yeah.

I have no idea who to start this week.

I-I... I picked up, you know, Ryan Grant.

He's injured.

You know that, right?

What?!

God damn it. I'm...

Man, I'm losing my mojo, and it is all about Kevin's pretty little cock.

So you're saying that Kevin's beautiful cock is tearing you up inside?

Yes.

Awful.

Gentlemen, you are looking at a man with a life partner.

Guys, the meeting with Dr.

Maxwell went dope, okay?

So good, we're gonna do it.

We're gonna merge practices.

To celebrate, we're gonna have a big old party, Diddy-style, you know?

You know that just 'cause you're working with a black guy doesn't make you black by association.

Aye.

Hy, real quick.

In your professional medical opinion, are some penises, say, prettier than others would be?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

The one thing you can't fix.

Ugly pen1s.

Yeah, maybe it's not the stroller's fault, but the people pushing the stroller.

Did you ever think about that?

Oh, okay, I got to go.

I got to go. Oh, Josh Cribbs!

Rodney?

Yeah. People call me Ruxin.

People are gonna call you a champion for making everybody's dreams come true today.

Thank you.

I really appreciate that.

Yeah. Hey, you want to go grab some sushi?

In a hospital?

No, no, no, no.

It's this other place.

Best place in Chicago.

Great sashimi.

Uh, I kind of want to get up and see Colin.

Aw, we got plenty of time to go see Colin.

I... don't think he has a lot of time left.

All right, not enough time for sushi... maybe we run by my friend's office...

Josh Cribbs!

Colin!

Hey!

How you doing, buddy?

I'm doing good.

Have you ever been to a pro football game?

No, I haven't.

Oh, man, you should come sometime... you'd be my guest.

Oh, really?

Bring your whole family.

Really? The whole family?

What are we talking about, boxes, field pass, all-access?

You're kind of freaking the kid out a little bit here.

Nah, he's cool.

You just kind of seem desperate.

You seem desperate.

Uh, hey, Colin, uh, you want to play catch? - Sure.

Oh, cool.

All right, let me see that cannon.

All right, put it right here.

Ah. Good throw, good throw.

Thanks.

Oh! Troy Polamalu!

Just kidding.

Josh Cribbs coming out, spin move!

No, it's not Josh Cribbs.

Uh, Josh Cribbs doesn't do that.

Okay.

Hey, dude, we were playing.

Oh, cool, man.

Go play down there.

Uh... (sighs) He's such a courageous little guy, and you've been so amazing with him.

You know, we should spend a little more time hanging out, maybe we could talk about what to do that's best for Colin.

Actually, my friends are having a party tomorrow night.

It'll be a kickass time.

You should come hang.

Oh, we gonna invite Colin?

Ew. He's not gonna be that much fun.

Ruxin.

All right, cool.

Yeah, the kid can come.

You're a real class act, Josh Cribbs.

I appreciate that, man.

Thanks a lot.

Can I... should we do it like that?

Uh... nah, nah, not like that.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, this is great.

Guys, good to see you.

All right. How are you?

I like this, I like what's going on.

Cheers to our future.

Success.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God, Kevin!

(both laughing)

Oh, Brooke.

Yeah, you know Kevin.

Let me get you a drink.

I know, but it's been so long.

God, you look... You look great.

Thank you.

You wanna drink or something?

Yeah, um...

Hey, Rudy, we're just catching up over here.

I haven't seen him in so long.

So what are you, you're married now, right?

I am, yeah, and we have a six-year-old daughter.

That blows my mind.

Yeah, she's Ellie.

She's so perfectly formed.

Oh, that's sweet.

Pretty.

Uh, oh, uh, guys?

"Whites only.

Strictly enforced."

Do you think he knows?

Guys! Welcome...

Nah.

...to Andre's white party.

We have an amazing night planned.

Taco is going to be performing later in the evening, and Dr.

Maxwell brought some of his... clientele, so mingle.

Hey, sheriff from the Deep South.

Hey, partner!

Oh, uh, when are the German shepherds and the firehoses coming?

Wh-What?

It's racist.

Oh. No, no, no, I meant...

I meant clothing.

It's clothing. It's clothing.

You guys are class acts.

Thanks for coming.

It's clothing.

It's clothing.

Just take the sign, Andre.

Oh... hello!

Hey!

(singing fanfare)

Look who the cat dragged in.

Look who it is... it's me and my confidante, Josh Cribbs!

How you doing?

Josh Cribbs, hi.

How about that.

Is that a child behind you?

Oh, yeah, this is, um...

This is Colin.

Colin.

Hi.

Hi.

Kevin. Nice to meet you.

You look well, like an angel.

Yeah, let's not talk about Heaven in front of him, okay?

You're a dick.

You guys are making his dream come true.

Together...

Together.

...we are dream makers.

Okay, we'll see.

Colin!

Hey, Terrell Suggs!

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Terrell, what's up, baby?

How you doing, man?

Wow!

What is he doing here?

Colin's big wish was to meet Terrell Suggs.

So I said, I'll write a letter.

Boom, Terrell gets it, invite him to the party... look how that worked out.

This is completely unfair.

You have the Baltimore dee.

Do I?

So, Colin, let's make this wish come true.

What exactly can I do to make that happen?

Um, I think I'm gonna field this one, all right, honcho?

I think Colin would love if you sacked the quarterback, like, three or four times, and maybe even returned a fumble for a touchdown.

I don't know, but I think he would love a bucketful of points.

Right? - Yes.

Cool. - So, hold on, hold on.

So his wish was to meet...

Eh-eh, eh-eh.

This little guy doesn't know which wish is which, because his brain is filled with fungus and bacterias.

Who is this?

So, hold on.

Returning a kickoff for a touchdown, a hundred all-purpose yards...

That was all you, not for Colin?

You're still making a young man's dream come true.

I just felt my hamstring tighten up.

Colin, let's go, man.

Come on, man, let's get out of here, Colin.

Rest that hammy.

God, where do you think they're going right now?

I don't know, but I wish I could go with them.

Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is about to begin.

(rhythmic drumming)

(chanting): Naginata, naginata, love my naginata.

Naginata, naginata, check out my naginata.

Naginata, everyone...

He's talking about the spear, right?

Yes, but n-no one else knows that.

(chanting): It is so cool and awesome.

Everybody should have one.

Naginata, please.

Oh, there are so few things that bring me joy like this.

(chanting): Try practicing with a naginata.

The exercise will do you good.

You'll be the coolest guy in your hood.

With niginatas like this!

(rhythmic drumming)

(chanting): Naginata, naginata.

Love my naginata.

Naginata, naginata.

That's my naginata.

Naginata, naginata... Dr.

Nosik, our partnership's over.

(chanting): You're my naginata.

Naginata, naginata.

Sexy naginata.

Naginata, naginata.

That's what I'm....

Uh, please, don't go.

It's just one song.

(grunting loudly)

Aaah! God! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it hit it!

It hit it! It hit my dick!

Everybody, this man has been hit!

Oh, no sh1t!

Don't worry, everybody, I'm a doctor!

Oh, God, I don't want calf implants!

Listen, his femoral artery's been hit!

And his pen1s has been hit.

Looks like somebody's cock got a little less pretty.

Goddamn it, Taco, I told you that thing was dangerous!

Sorry. You should've gotten him Spears for Dummies.

He's losing a lot of blood!

I need someone to apply pressure to his pen1s!

(sobs): Come on!

It was nice knowing you, Kevin...

We're gonna divide up your team evenly.

No, no, no!

Come on!

Oh, God.

You, white knuckler, get in here!

What?

White knuckle him. Get in here!

Come on!

Put pressure on his pen1s!

No!

Yes!

Are you kidding me?!

This is not happening!

Squeeze!

I'm squeezing!

Squeeze!

Don't laugh! It's not funny!

Squeeze harder!

It's feeling better!

Oh, come on!

Oh, that stopped hurting.

It feels good now.