02x04 - The Kluneberg

Andre: Gentlemen, I introduce you to the newest addition of the Andre gallery: a Klumberg.

Pete: Wow.

Kevin: God!

I saw it in a gallery in Telluride, and it spoke to me.

I mean, every time I look at it, I still get chills because it's so... Yeah.

...powerful, I mean...

Taco: Yeah, it's a pen1s bird attacking ass mountain.

(both chuckle)

There's no pen1s here, okay?

It's abstract.

Ruxin: It is something.

Why is the tip of the pen1s pink?

It's art!

There doesn't need to be a reason!

Use your imagination.

Except for the part that makes you think this is a pen1s bird.

To me, it makes me feel like the pen1s bird is dipped into ass mountain, and has then been ejected, but he's taking a little bit of ass mountain with him.

Or it could be going in at an angle like the shocker.

Yes.

It's not a shocker.

I don't think they're selling a picture of the shocker for $25,000.

Okay!

What?!

$25,000 American dollars?

$25,000.

Not bad, right?

I mean, it's a Klumberg.

What a steal.

Yeah, that is definitely a crime.

You could get pictures like this for free on the lnternet.

No, it's art.

It's colonialism, and you'll never get it.

Which part do you think's the dick?

This couch sucks.

Well, don't cram into it then.

Raffi: Andre, I am sorry for what I just did to your bathroom, bro. (chuckles)

Why did you bring him?

Because Sofia said I had to.

Hey, man, will you trade beers with me?

Why?

I tasted yours.

I like it better.

Wait. You had some of this?

Yeah, just a minute ago.

Raffi, don't drink other people's beers.

You're a dick.

What? We're all hanging out.

Here, it's all yours.

Thanks, man.

This house is cool.

You know what you should do in this place, Andre?

Don't talk about shooting a porno here.

Shoot a porno.

I got this buddy... If you talk about Dirty Randy... ...Dirty Randy.

This guy is amazing.

I'm not interested.

He scouts locations for pornos.

I've used him before.

It's great.

They mostly clean everything up.

I don't want to have people having s*x in here.

Dude, are you?

Somebody's gotta have s*x in this place I just jerked off in the bathroom, so that's three of us.

I thought you were taking a sh1t.

Yeah, I did both at the same time.

Oh, come on, man!

What? It's how I work!

Raffi, isn't there somewhere you're supposed to be?

Yeah, I got a date tonight.

Don't talk about Molly.

Molly!

You're dating Molly?

Ah, I don't know if I would call it "dating."

You know her?

Yeah, I went to the party to talk to her.

Oh, that's right.

You blew it. (laughs)

You guys, best friend club Don't touch.

You guys, fella, number one.

If Dirty Randy comes by, don't let him in if you're alone.

He preys on the weak.

Tell him not to come.

Love you guys.

Uh, Ruxin, I know that Raffi's family and that he's one of our best friends and everything, but I hate him.

Taco is right.

That guy is a cancer.

He's the worst, man.

I mean... he really has...

He's horrible!

He's terrible!

I know! I agree!

I want him gone!

Well, then do something about it.

I can't! He's family!

He is my Fredo.

He hasn't even won one game.

El Cuñado has made this entire thing just unfun.

Well, if it's not fun anymore, why do we do it?

That's it.

Guys, we disband the league.

No, you can't disband the league.

No, no, not for real.

We have a big fake fight in front of Raffi where he sees everything fall apart, then the next day, we just start the league over again, and he's none the wiser.

Good, good.

In order to save the league, we gotta kill it.

This is just like Ocean's Twelve.

What?

You're the little Asian guy, I'm Bernie Mac, you're Casey Affleck... Maybe we should just kill the league for real.

Raffi is such an asshole.

He always punches me in the pen1s.

Jenny: I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

I'm done.

Ooh, I almost forgot, it's garbage day.

Taco, don't rummage through other people's stuff.

I'll catch up with you guys.

Why does he do this?

You know, at least he's not gonna be taking it from our house.

Russell: Kevin, hey. Russell.

Hey, Russell. Hey.

Russell, hey!

Hey, Jenny. How are you?

How are you?

Good to see you guys.

Wow!

Back from New York, huh?

Yeah.

I tried it, I didn't like it.

Too crowded, too many crazy people.

What's Taco doing in the Dumpster?

Howdy, Russell.

Like my new hat?

Yeah. A homeless guy threw that away two days ago.

Well, his loss.

Hey, you need anything while I'm in here?

Shoe? Part of a cat?

No, no, I'm all good on cat parts.

All right.

>>

I see him at the grocery store.

Let me ask you a question.

What is going on with his clothes?

Uh...

It's out of control.

He looks like a roller-blading instructor.

I know. It's a nightmare.

Yeah, it's embarrassing.

I would love to catch up with you guys sometime.

Absolutely.

We should have dinner or something.

That would be great.

Do I still have your info?

Is this you guys?

Both: Uh, yeah.

That's it.

Cool.

Give us a call.

Did you hear that?

Sorry?

I thought I heard Velcro.

Nothing. I gotta go.

It's great to see you guys.

Yeah.

Taco, be careful.

Lot of bad stuff in there.

Oh, a lot of good stuff.

Hey, I got a hat, I got some tape, I got a sweatshirt and a brand-new toilet seat.

I really needed this.

What happened to your old one?

There's no old one.

Hey, Jenny and I ran into your buddy Russell who I guess is back from New York.

Yes, here's a little dirt for you: Russell is a s*x addict.

No, he's not.

Yeah, big-time.

That's a tough disease.

There's no such thing.

It's a problem of the privileged man.

It's all about opportunity.

You don't see janitors running around being, like, "Oh, God, I

"can't stop tapping all this ass!"

How much s*x do you need to have before you know you're an addict?

Guys, you're making fun of a serious condition.

The guy's just good at what he does.

He's not an addict.

He's-he's accomplished.

Yeah, s*x addicts are just guys who are telling the truth.

"Yes, I would like to tap that and I would like to tap that and I will tap that eventually."

You're such a romantic.

Mm-hmm.

Guys, we got to talk about this fake fight situation if we're gonna pull this off.

I'm in.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I gotta keep my hands clean on this one.

Too much rage in these puppies.

Yeah, I didn't bring my stun gun.

I don't fight without it.

Anyone else need a drink?

I'm gonna get...

Yeah.

No, we're good.

Know what that means?

Me and you, mano a mano.

Former champion, reigning champion together on the gridiron.

You seem a little fidgety, man.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Just feel a little weird.

Hey, just want to talk to you about this trade I was thinking about between us.

Okay, let's do it.

Great!

I don't need details.

All right.

You know what?

I think I have to go.

I have to go to the bathroom.

> Okay, you can use the bathroom here.

I don't like them here.

I don't like getting too far away from my toilet seat.

You know what? I hear ya.

My wife doesn't let me do the serious stuff at home, so I do it at the office.

The weekends are the hardest.

Just so you know, when I'm out there, I'm not gonna pull any punches 'cause Andre goes two speeds: fast and furious.

All right, don't do that in the fake fight 'cause that looks really fake.

We also need a safe word.

Which is why I suggest "fidelio."

Fidelio? Where are you gonna work fidelio organically into a fight?

That's the trick.

You need to pick a word that doesn't seem organic.

We'll do the trade.

We'll talk about it.

I have to go, okay?

Okay, great.

See ya. Hey, Raffle.

He's here! Raffi's here.

All right, let's go.

Let's do this.

El Cuñado!

El Cuñado!

What's going on, buddy?

I'm tired of your nonsense, Andre!

Don't walk away from me, Peter!

I am fed up with you, man!

Oh, it's a fight between friends.

Why don't we take this outside?

What?

The fight's going outside.

Let's take it outside.

In the street like dogs!

Fight!

Let's go, get it going.

Okay.

All right.

Let's get... where were we?

You suck!

You suck.

Throw him a punch.

Get in there.

Get personal!

Bite each other's dicks off!

Why don't you ever listen to my messages when I call you?

Well, you leave, like, four-minute messages.

Sometimes I say funny stuff on them.

Less slapping!

No, you don't.

I will call you back or listen to a message, but not both.

Guys, dive for the knife!

(knife clatters on ground)

This is the kind of attitude that makes you a loser.

Geez, I'm trying to be nice.

Relax.

You don't have to be nice to me.

You're a failure in life.

Your wife divorced you.

You live in a studio apartment.

Yeah, I'm a champion, and you're a loser.

Oh.

I'm a loser?

You make six figures, you can't buy good taste, Andre.

Look at your outfit.

And that goddamn Klumberg painting.

Jesus, I should draw veins on that thing.

You have worse taste than El Cuñado.

(Andre yells)

Ow, wow!

Finish him!

Guys, hey.

Get off each other.

All right, we get it.

Fidelio!

Fidelio.

Fine. You know what?

Keep this league.

I quit.

Enjoy your league.

Have a great time.

Guys, how are we going to get Andre back?

We are all best friends.

But, honestly, if he doesn't come back, I know a guy, Dirty Randy, who can join the league.

Truth be told, he's kind of an asshole.

Bring it in.

Bring it in, guys.

Oh, Raffi's the worst.

He's like a cockroach with a beard.

You know, we should have just put you in the league from the very beginning.

We made a huge mistake.

But you didn't.

It's okay.

I'm good.

What do you mean, you're good?

I'm in a league now, and I'm good.

What league are you in?

I'm in Russell's league.

You cannot be in a league with Russell.

Why? He called the other day.

They needed an extra person.

We were talking.

He asked me if I could do it.

Jenny, Russell is a s*x addict.

There is no such thing as a s*x addict.

There's just guys.

Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.

Yeah, guys.

This guy is perverted, all right?

Who starts a league week three?

Whatever. I'll figure it out.

We're going over there tonight for the draft, and I'm excited.

Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell, the s*x machine.

I want you to be in a league with me.

Really?

Really.

Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?


Taco!

Hey, I'm here to make that trade.

You want to do it?

Yeah, I'm back here!

I tried calling you, but you didn't answer.

Yeah, I forgot the phone in the living room about four hours ago.

Well, you, uh, ready to get this...

Oh!

Hey, Ruxin.

Why didn't you tell me this was the bathroom, Taco?

How's it going?

I'm fine.

Sorry. It's just been busy.

Doing some work.

Uh, I can come back later.

Oh, I'm going to be here all day.

Putting together a puzzle.

Painting a picture.

Putting together a puzzle.

Painting a picture.

You are painting quite a picture.

Okay.

Where do you think this should go?

This way, this way, this way, this way or this way?

Well, I'm going to leave, and I'm never going to come back, and I'm going to burn these clothes.

Okay.

See you later.

Okay.

I haven't spoken to Andre in a couple days.

Yeah, well, he was upset, so...

Well, I wonder why.

You went too far in the fake fight.

Mm-hmm.

He doesn't understand pretend... I can't help that.

You have to apologize to him.

I'm sorry.

Why do I have to give a real apology for a fake fight?

You don't have to apologize, Pete.

Just tell him that you like the painting.

Yeah, tell him you like the Klumberg.

Can we just do something easier?

Can you just shoot me in the face, please?

No, we talked about that possibility.

Yeah, we'd still be a man down, and a six-man league is just pathetic.

Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

We cannot let a fake fight destroy the league for real.

Has anyone seen Taco?

He was supposed to come over to my house for dinner last night, never showed up.

I did see your brother.

I went to his apartment, and I literally could not pry him off the toilet seat.

He sat there the whole time...

Was he sick?

No, he was fine.

In fact, he was engaged.

He was sharp.

It was like he was working on another level.

Oh, my God.

We had this case down at the DA's office.

These guys are smuggling in cocaine molded into toilet seats.

The other day, I saw Taco rummaging through a-a Dumpster, and he pulled out a toilet seat.

So Taco is basically addicted to sitting on the toilet.

Sorry.

(laughing)

This is great, you know?

I got a s*x addict trying to plow my wife, and my brother's Pablo Escobar.

Cheers to you, buddy.

So I just kind of want to formally apologize for the fake fight.

A lot of things were said.

Mean, hurtful things were said.

Yeah, but that was for Raffi.

I mean, you don't have bad taste.

In fact, you have excellent taste.

So you really like it?

Andre, I don't like it.

I think I love it.

See? I knew it!

So you and I have the same taste, but, you know, we can't go around saying everything when the guys are over.

You know, it embarrasses them, you know, that we have that.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you one other thing about this... it is great with the ladies.

Ladies love the Klumberg, huh?

Oh, nothing says erotique like Klumberg.

You know, you can borrow it if you want.

I could not borrow this.

I mean, this...

I couldn't do it to you.

Charms the pants off the ladies.

So we're friends again and...

Yes, we're friends, because we get it.

Okay.

And you're back in the league and we're all good?

Yes, but under one condition.

No.

Okay, I'm in.

All right.

We'll see you later.

Later.

My bro!

Hey, guys.

All right, let's put Time Cop in.

I got to be home in two hours.

No, no, no.

No Time Cop, Taco.

This is an intervention.

What?

No, smoking pot's not illegal.

Actually, it is, but that's not why we called you here.

What?

I made hummus.

Guys, I don't have a problem.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Taco, you're holding on to a toilet seat.

You don't understand.

It's just so comfortable.

You just sit on it, and you're like, "Wow, I could do anything."

Well, I mean, anything you could do sitting on a toilet.

The reason you feel that way is because that toilet seat is made out of cocaine.

We're all - help you get over this... and one of the ways that I've tried to help tonight is to make this hummus for you and...

Would you like to try this?

I'm really not hungry right now.

Okay, well, it's very good.

Look, you need help, all right?

This is it.

Guys, it's just that when I sit on this thing, I feel like the smartest, most powerful person in the entire bathroom.

You know what, let me... let me deal with this as a doctor.

Taco, cocaine is a drug that's very, very addictive.

Everything you just said, I could have said, even though I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, he talks really slow.

Could you talk, please?

Will you make a pledge to us that you will try to get better?

Yes.

And will you make a pledge to us that you will try this hummus?

Stop with the hummus, Andre!

I'm done with it, okay?

It's good.

What, you think you reinvented the hummus wheel?

I might have.

Really, you smashed the chickpeas yourself?

I mixed two recipes.

"Oh, look at me!

I'm Chef Vitaly!"

Oh, you know what?

Oh, what... what do I know?

You going to try to tell me that this is more important...

Down, down, down, down.

Okay, all right, fine.

Guys, guys!

Let's keep our eyes on the prize here, all right?

There's a man sitting here with a toilet seat under his shirt.

No, no, no, I threw it away.

Taco, take it out.

You're done.

You're not walking out of here with that toilet seat.

Hand it over.

All right.

Time to give it up.

Okay, fine.

Can I just have one last hit?

Please?

As a doctor...

Shut up.

You can have one more.

Will you stop saying...

Two minutes.

Thank you.

This is my sweet place.

Oh, it's awesome.

I love it.

It's really nice, right?

It's really great.

Thank you.

Um, where is everyone for the draft?

I told them to come in, like, an hour.

Did you not get my texts?

No, Russell, I did not get your texts.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I'm glad you're here.

Listen, the thing is, is I know what you are going through right now...

I'm a s*x addict... you can say it.

Let me know if there's anything that I'm doing that is, like, I don't know, making it difficult.

Oh, no.

You're worried that you're going to trigger my addiction?

Yeah, just, you know, is there anything that I shouldn't be doing?

It's not going to be a problem.

Uh, I don't see you that way.

What does that mean?

You can't turn me on sexually.

Is it because I'm married?

No. No, I have s*x with a ton of married women.

A lot.

Today even.

Well, what...

I mean I don't understand what it is.

Like, this doesn't do it for you?

What?

(Jenny giggles)

If I don't trigger your addiction, what does?

Oh, I mean how much time do you have?

Birthday parties for old people, fresh bought corn, marbles, you know... just when I see, like, a room full of marbles, which is very re, um...

Corduroy's... vut-vut-vut... ejaculate.

But me sitting right here...

No.

...alone in your apartment, does nothing for you?

These tiny tomatoes.

I bought these not realizing... huge trigger for me.

A tiny tomato does it for you and I sit here doing nothing?

Open your mouth for just a second.

No.

But this little guy.

Oh, man.

Oh, try one of these strawberries.

Would that do it for you if I was...?

Maybe, maybe.

Eat it.

Just eat it?

Yeah, in a slutty way.

Eat that slutty strawberry.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

You're going to choke on that.

This is how you eat it.

Hello, little man.

Oh...

Russell, that's awful.

Like that.

Oh, brother, now I got myself all riled up.

Oh, boy.

I want to show you something.

Some of the things I bought recently.

What do these remind you of?

Artichokes?

No, the breasts of a... alien.

That you can also titty bang.

No.

Can we just talk about the draft?

Draft not a trigger.

You not a trigger.

Whipped cream a trigger.

Come here, bad boy.

Oh, you know what...

Ah! Oh!

It got all in my mouth.

How did that happen?

I don't know.

(Russell laughs)

(door opens, closes)

Every day's a struggle.

For real.

The deed is done.

Take this and bury it.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just put it on there.

No, that's a nice pillow.

Aw, not on the couch.

Relax.

Party people!

Whoo!

Lemons and pita.

What are you doing?

Raffi, get up.

You smooshed the lemon on the floor.

I smooshed the lemon.

I smooshed the lemon.

Oh, my God, it's so good to see you guys.

I missed you guys.

I'm gonna go crap the booze out and then me and my bros are going to hang out for the rest of our lives.

Get in there, Raffi.

Why are you bringing him here?

What I'm doing is saving the league.

I have been getting Raffi hammered tonight.

And tomorrow morning when he horrible things.

And then we kick him out of the league.

I like it.

That's kind of brilliant actually.

Yeah.

(retching)

What is this?

(sniffs)

What?

(sniffs)

Hey!

Oh, boy.

We got to stick to what we know.

Yes.

We smash up Andre's place and we tell Raffi he did it.

Yeah, we take a dump in his bed.

Yeah, we take this table and we whip it out the window.

I'm right here.

Yeah, we take the hummus and just put it all up in his couch.

No.

All right, I say this could be fun.

Whoa!

You guys, you guys, okay, what if tonight we all went out and got matching tattoos?!

Hang on. I'll be right back.

Hang on! Don't move!

Uh-oh.

What uh-oh?

I sort of switched the cocaine seat with Andre's seat.

Oh, goddamn it, Taco!

Sorry. I wanted to be able to come back any time and just sit on it.

How often are you here?

When you're at work.

You guys, you guys...

Whoa! (all exclaim)

Just one second! Lookit!

Be careful.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life!

Thank you.

You're welcome, Andre.

You guys are beautiful, too!

And the friendship we have is beautiful.

I would do anything for you guys.

You know, I am not gonna let that dirty s*x addict do to Jenny what this pen1s bird has done to butt mountain.

It's not a pen1s bird!

Yes, it is!

All: No!

(Peter laughs)

Suck it!

I'm outta here, bitches!

Whoo!

Where is he going?

Let's go. Let's go.

Raffi?

Why are we looking for this guy?

He wrecked my painting.

We may want him out of the league, but we don't want him dead.

Ah, I'm fine either way.

Oh, my God, this is Russell's car.

I swear to God, if he touches Jenny, I will rip his face off.

Jenny!

Ha-ha!

(Russell groans)

Oh, God, Raffi.

Guys, I found a new trigger: it's cocaine in a man's beard.

Wow. I guess Russell really is a s*x addict.

Hey, Andre, it looks like your painting.

Bad news, bros.

I'm totally quitting the league.

Russell's got a 12-team league.

12 teams is where it's at.

Yeah.

Right? Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Right? Right?

Yeah.

Right? Right? Right? Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Some things you can't unsee, bro.

We're not at a rave, Taco.

Enter initiate, please.

I made brownies...

No.

Stand.

No, I think I will sit and just be comfortable.

Sit comfortably!

Thanks.

Wait. That's all the hazing?

You guys hazed me for two weeks.

I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league.

So we welcome a new member.

Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

That's all she gets?

You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

You want dick cream back?

No. I want to be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

So, guys, Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

All: No!

No, no, no, you're on your own now.

Welcome to the league.

All right, I accept the challenge.

And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

(all laugh)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No dick cream.

But just FYI, you guys.

You know you're buddy Russell?

Not a s*x addict.