02x05 - The Marathon

Andre: Legs... strong, useful and practical.

Sometimes we take them for granted.

But not people with lower limotaxia.

Otherwise known as Thurber-

Horngood Syndrome.

Kevin: Oh, my God!

What do you...? Jenny!

Jenny: What?

Come here.

You got to look at this thing.

That's why I'm taking pledges so I can fulfill one of my life's dreams: to run the marathon.

For those who can't run.

Pete: No!

Oh, yes.

Dearest Zola Budd, I'm very pleased to learn that you've chosen the marathon as your next triumph in a long line of stupid, stupid exercise fads.


I'm strengthening my core just like Joseph Pilates intended.

I'm the master of the stairs!

It's more complicated than most stairs.

No one was supposed to see that.

You want a nose job? Bam!

How about a breast reduction?


Why would you do it, why would you video it, and then why would you tell me where the videos are?

What do Andre and *** have in common?

The sauna suit.

Cardio tennis! Whoo!

Forehand! (grunts)

Backhand! (grunts)


Ruxin: Oh, Pete, you are the Ken Burns of making Andre look like an asshole.

Shedding the pounds like Chicago's bravest.

I'm polar ***

These were private videos.

A sexy sweat.

I wish I could slip a dollar through the computer.

I'm a red-hot fireman.

Where's the fire?

Don't forget your a**l Kegels.

This is so great, you guys: being in the league, hanging out with you guys at the bar.

It's like a date night.



No, this is not like a date night.

And this is not the way two people who go head-to-head should be acting.

Would you rath...?

This week I'm gonna take you down!

I'm taking you down!

(both laugh)


Guys, we're just talking about a little friendly competition here.

There's no friendliness.

There's no love in the league.

I just think you guys are worried she's gonna kick your ass.

Should be.

No, no, no, no. What I'm worried about is collision between you two.

Lying at home beneath your 80-thread-count sheets, dreaming of a better life and whispering football secrets.

That's that, what happens between our sheets.

(Pete, Ruxin groaning)

I don't want to hear that.

By the way, it wasn't a stripper pole.

It was a fireman's pole.

Really? Did the pole end up in a fireman's truck?


Stripper pole.

What's the deal with the outfit?

This? It's for the marathon.


The marathon.

The what?

The marathon.

The what?

Oh, okay, ha-ha-ha, very funny.

I get it.

Taco: Hey, why are you dressed like that?

The marathon.

The what?

Make fun all you want.

I'm in peak performance mode.

What are you drinking?

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement.

It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.



Oh, you guys heard of it.

Yeah, it's the best.

Spunk is amazing.

It just gives me so much more energy.

I just suck these down.

I love Spunk.

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity.

A little salty.

But when you're running, you just want it.

Like, I want some Spunk, you know?

Do you have a favorite flavor Spunk?

I don't think they have flavors or just different I like the black kind.


So where do you get this stuff?

Mm, I got a guy.

Anyone need anything?

Do you have a juicer?


'Cause I'm running the marathon.

I'm trying to drink healthy.

Good for you.

Let me take care of this.

I got it.

Yeah, it's for charity.

I just wanted to kinda give back.

That is so sweet.

I'm actually running the marathon as well.

Are you? Really?

Yeah, yeah.

No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am, yeah.

I think it's great you guys are both running the marathon.

I am... running it.

So, uh, you want a juice, too?

You know what?

I think I'll have a hefeweizen.

I'm running, he's not.

He didn't even know about eating Spunk.

Ugh! There is this asshole in my office who is just like Andre.

It's this woman who's a notary.

And she runs the marathon for charity.

The only thing worse than running a marathon is running a marathon and then asking for money to do it.

It's like, I'm not gonna pay you to lose weight. It's a scam.

Then don't do it.

Don't give her any money.

What's a notary?

A notary is, like, a person who makes things official with, like a stamp or a notebook.

It's actually something simple enough for you to do.


Yeah, this woman is a real bitch.

She's, like, a real canotary.

Guys, come on.

I'm not censoring myself in front of her.

That was so fun, wasn't it?

It really was.

Oh, my God, I fit in I was pretty impressive.

It was impressive.

Not as impressive as what's happening right now, though.


Feel good?

It does feel good.

What feels good is when Frank Gore is gonna score three TDs on you you on Sunday?

No, not really.

Mmm. How about when Jay Feely's gonna kick a 60-yard field goal?

No, no. Okay, all right...

That is hot.

No, no, it's not hot.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

No way! I'm talking smack.

No, I don't want to talk smack when I'm about to enter you.

Look, the thought of you beating me does not keep me hard.

Ah, see?

Even you know you're gonna lose.

Mm, knowing that I'm losing is blood flow down there.

I'm at, like, 40% right now.

You can't handle this?


Come on, it's fun, healthy No.

I just basically have to tie a stick to it to get it in now.

That is not hot at all.

(groaning): Good night.

Good night.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?


What am I doing?

I'm training for the marathon.

For the what?

The marathon.

The what?

The what?

You know what? Shut up.

You've been up all night?

You've been up all night?

No I haven't been...

We've been up all night too.

You are drunk.

I am not drunk.

I'm training.

You're not training.

How do you know that?

You so confident you gonna run, let's put some money on it.

It's okay. We've believe that you're running the marathon.

You don't have to believe me.

I am running the marathon.

It's you.

Right. Yeah, I'm gonna crush you in the marathon.

Let's put a bet on it: $1,000 I have a better time than you.


Oh, you're on.

Oh. You got to warm up.

'Cause I'm taking it.

There he goes.

I'll see you on the track.

Look how excited he is.

He's so great.

Hey, I'm sort of in a rush this morning, so I got to... I'm in here.

What? No breakfast?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

I am so excited about my matchups.

Matchups against me.


I want to talk to Jenny, my wife, not Jenny, my week four competitor.

Mm, maybe you should give her a call sometime. - Oh, okay.

We're treading on dangerous ground here.

We don't want to turn into the Hutus and the Tutsis.


The Hutus and the Tutsis.

One minute, we're hanging out, partying, smiling, laughing it up, next minute, you try to hack I...

It's a horror movie with Don Cheadle in Africa in the hotel.

Hotel Rwanda?


Not a horror movie.


True story.

Oh, my.

That makes it so much worse.

We can't let that happen to us.

But the most important thing is we have to make an accord with each other that fantasy football will not effect our home life.


Just a little friendly competition.

I'm friendly.

You don't seem very friendly.

No, I'm friendly.

How friendly?

I'll consummate this agreement here on the table.


I am still really hungry, though.



Why don't you come in?

Look, I know you have been avoiding me.

But I need a donation from you for Team Twyla, for our marathon.

Yeah. I just don't know if I'm supporting Team Twyla this year.

Excuse me?

See, I just don't negotiate with charity terrorists.

What are charity terrorists?

Charity terrorists are people like yourself who force me to give money to things against my will.

It's almost a jihad against my wallet.

Let me ask you a question, Twyla.


How much of that marathon did you run last year?

Well, I walked as much as I could and then I ran a bit and then I walked some!

On that walk, did you stop at TCBY?


Well, I also love the country's best yogurt, but I don't expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.

But if you do want to lose some weight, you could start by not eating my chicken salad sandwich out of the fridge.

Okay, well, then why don't you put your name on it, Rodney?

'Kay, everybody calls me Ruxin.

And I can't believe I am working in an office with hungry hungry hippos.



Oh, my God.

Chill hours, 15 minutes from my house to your house.

Who needs cars when you're the flash?

What's the name of the dude you're chasing?

Ugh, Andre, you smell like eighth-grade kids who haven't learned to use deodorant yet.

That's actually 'cause this is wicked oil moisture bouncing off me, it's going out.

Stop wicking.

What about you?

Are you wicking anything away?

I'm working my ass off over here.

This women's basketball game, this is, like, the Heartbreak Hill of channel surfing.

You... are gonna lose this bet.

Tortoise. Hare.

Tortoise. Hare.

Uh, I think you got that backwards.

The hare ends up losing.

That's 'cause the hare got cocky and was dehydrated.

Oh, I'm staying hydrated.

Well, I'm more hydrated than you.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Do you want to have a hydrating contest?

Hydration? Huh? Hm?

That's a bad idea.

He thinks I'm still chugging.

I'm just gonna let him finish it and suffer.

Oh, my God.

(panting, coughing)

Are you crying?


My eyes are just hydrated.

I got to use your bathroom.

Please? Thank you.

Sweetheart, I got to go, so bye, guys.

Um, Sunday you could pick Ellie Yeah, but you usually pick up Ellie.

Sunday I like to tinker around with my lineup.

I know, so I'm kind of saving you from yourself.

You don't need to save me from myself.

I can save myself.

From myself.

So you got her? Sunday?

Yeah, I'll get her.

Great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're the best.

No, you're the best.

Oh, my God, this is like awkward Wimbledon.


Sunday you will pick Ellie up?


Great. Love you.

You guys are a hot mess.

No, we're not.

Oh, come on!

You're going head-to-head with her in the league this week... you're gonna tell me that's not bothering you?

It's not a big deal.

No. We talked about it.

Union is strong.

We even made a pact.

Oh, you want me to notarize that?

How do you know what "notarize" means, Taco?

Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

The word is "notary."

No, no, that's the plural.

No, it's the perfect job for me, guys.

I love arts & crafts.

Oh, looks like Frank Gore is out this week with Turf Tow, Turf Tow? I'd like to see him run a mile in my shoes.

Oh please, will you not...


Wait a second, doesn't Jenny have Frank Gore?

Holy sh1t, she's never gonna *** this out.

You gotta volter her backup.

I'm just gonna tell her about Frank Gore.


I have to. We made an agreement.

This is what it is.

Oh, I didn't realize you were wearing a dress underneath those pants.

Really? We're gonna talk about who's wearing what?

Sweep the leg, Johnny!

Don't be rated PG.

Be rated R.

We made an agreement.

It's not notarized.

Guy's got a point.

Well, let's leave him with his thoughts, gentlemen.

Can somebody give me a ride?

My legs are killing me.

Twyla! Got some stuff I need notarized from BP v. Minority Fishermen.

Here we go.

Uh-uh. I need to see some proper form of identification.

Twyla, we've been working in an office together for five years, so...

Yeah, but how do I know that you're you?

Very well.



No, we moved a while back...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have to come back when you have some current identification.

This wouldn't have anything to do with me refusing to donate to Team Twyla, would it?

Oh, now you're gonna need to come back with two forms of I.D.

You didn't need any I.D. yesterday when you were in my office trolling for money for your little walkabout!

Yeah, well, then yesterday you were dealing with Twyla... now you're dealing with a notary!

All right, well, you want a second form of identification?

Yes, I do!

How about the name that was on my goddamn sandwich!

Oh, well, I couldn't read it with all that chicken scratch on it!

So you did eat it!

And it was good.

Oh! (chomping)


You know what?


I hope you lose control of your bowels like that German marathon runner.

She was Swiss!


Two forms, Rodney!

Goddamn canotary.

What is this?

Hi, everyone. Sorry, you interrupted me doing business stuff.

I'm Taco from Taco Corp.

You may recognize me as the number one vintner of Three pen1s wine Chicago Metropolitan area.

Oh... But now I'm starting a new business.

I am... notarizing.

And I will notarize anything.

Don't hide your thighs, notarize.

Oh, yeah!

Don't terrorize... notarize!

Where does he find those people?

Don't ***, notarize!

Don't agonize... notarize.

(chuckles): There's a homeless guy in Kevin's house.

Don't apologize... notarize!


Need your thumbprint.

Block. 360 spin.

Two valid forms of I.D.

And remember what Taco says: Don't compromise... notarize!

Give me a call.

Everything is free.

Taco's a notary, huh?

No, sorry, it's you have to give me money and then I'll do it.

It's not free.

I keep forgetting that.

(grunts, exhales)

Notary business is good, and I have you to thank. I found a career, people respect me, and I'm making a change now.

Think of me as your university of Phoenix.

You know what?

I'm making dreams happen.

Look at this.

This is a little Asian boy who wanted to own a powerboat.

Pretty sure it's illegal in this state.

But guess what?

I made it happen.

You guys need a drink?

I got $120 burning a hole in the hole in my pocket, so name the drink... doesn't matter how expensive.

I'd like an old-fashioned, please.

I don't know what that is.

And on the third day, God gave him a number, and his number was 1729.

That is right, I am an official marathoner of Chicago.

I'll be there on Sunday.

I need your support...will you come out?

You need a drink, my friend?

Uh, no, Taco.

Keeping the body clean, like a temple.

See, I wish I had... (grunts) time for hobbies like that.


Have fun in 1971.

You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.

It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?

Let's hurry up with those drinks, bartender.



I heard you're a notary.

It's a dirty job.

Someone's got to do it.

Can you notarize something for me right now?

Alright, here's the deal.

7$. I only take singles.

You in or out?



Step into my office.

It's by the bathroom?

It is the bathroom, honey.

It is official.

It's a fine number, but this, my friend, is official.


I, Pete Eckhart will run in the Chi-Town marathon.



This is impressive.

This is a piece of paper with a stamp on it.

I have an official race ***.

Did you get it notarized?



Don't need one.

See you a little later.


You don't need to get it stamped.

Watch, boys.

Official business.

Hey, watch it, pal!

I'll notarize you!

I don't think he knows what that word means?

No idea. He has no idea.


He's a professional, just like myself.

Ugh! Oh!

Oh, God.

Andre, the stretching in doors and the bib... it just all smacks of so much desperation.


You were only supposed to stamp the paper!

You ruined my jeans.

You're not getting your seven dollars.

I threw the ass stamp in for free!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on, we had a deal.

Buddy. You all right?

Oh! Oh! Taco! Oh!

What is it?

My toe... Oh.

Your toe?

Is it turf toe?

Turf toe?

Oh. Can I get some ice? Ugh!

(Andre groaning)

By the way, can you run a marathon with turf toe?

A what?

A marathon.

A what?

A marathon.

(Andre groaning)

What? What do you want?

Look, Taco, I need your help.

That canotary at work froze me out.

I'm under a time crunch.

Can you please notarize these documents for me?

I'm done with the rat race.

I'm retired.

I'm gonna lay low for a little while.

I don't think you could lay any lower.

My book's full.

As I look at all these entries, uh... it's all a blur.

It's half full.

Half full of days that I can't remember.

You've been doing it for a week.

You'd get out of here if you knew what was good for you.

Go. Leave me alone.


Look, would a gift certificate from Caesar change your mind?

You son of a bitch.

Looks like this old ranch hand's going for one last cattle drive.

It's just a dick move telling people you're gonna run a marathon and then not do it.

I'm injured, okay?

I have turf toe.

You were the one who said that wasn't even a real thing.

Frank Gore and I both have it, and we're both out this week.

Yup, and somebody was smart enough to pick up Frank Gore's backup.

A toast.

There you go.

What, no beer?

No, I'm good with my SPUNK.

I think I'm addicted to it.

You're addicted to SPUNK?

I just hit the sh1t out of Sizzler.

I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins and a gallon of root beer inside me.

Let's notarize.

All right!

What's the case?

BP v. Minority Gulf Fisherman.

Please tell me that you're not representing BP.

Someone has to defend them against getting crushed under the hill of the common man.

So, what's BP?

What's BP?

The oil company people.


Hey. How are you?

I'm great, do you want to talk?

If you're looking for an apology, you came to the wrong place.

Oh, yeah?


No more Hutus and Tutsis?

No. Frank Gore went down with turf toe, I picked up his backup.

You know who I picked up and who I started?


Third stringer Anthony Dixon.

He's the one who's actually going to be playing for Gore, and he's the one who's going to be getting all the points.

She's good.

There is absolutely no love in the league.

This is my last job, you know.

After this, I'm done.

I'm gonna pass it all on to you, Ruxin.


I'll give you my certificate.

Uh- Uh.

My mariachi and my estampa.

Your estampa?

What are you talking about, Taco?

What the hell is going on over here?



Oh, I see that you ran the marathon.

Yes, I did.

And now you're eating a big piece of chocolate cake.

Oh, you're the canotary?


I don't know what he's talking about.

What I want to know is why these corporate documents are being reviewed by El Notario.

What is El Notario?

What is that?

That's me.

Look, this notary stamp is from Venezuela.


It's not even valid in the US.


The times, they are changing.

No room in this *** world for an old school venezuelan notario like myself.


To your dreams?

Yeah, I don't speak Spanish.

So, you ***

I huess I am.


Well, I think Team Twila is gonna get a little donation.

What about a big donation?

How about a big donation and a big piece of cake?

Yes, I'll have my cake and donation too, thank you very much.

This is cashmere, you tiny little monster.

I am really enjoying being in the league.

And it's so much fun watching the games when you actually have something on the line.

Yeah, so much fun.

They didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to ***?

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

No, I brought her to gymnastics and you were supposed to pick her up and...

Oh my God...

Parent fail.

Whoo! Door from rush.

It is real.

You did not run the marathon.

Uh, yeah, I did. Look.

I've got my official marathon number.

It's my number. You stole my number.

You forfeited by faking an injury.

Therefore, you lost the bet.

Fork it up, come on.


Oh, he's getting up, folks.

He's getting... He's running!

He's running! He...

Come on, 26.2.

First week, first win.

How did you know to pick up Andy Dixon?

I'm good.

That really was a great free agent pickup.

You gonna talk dirty to me?


I love it.

Shonn Greene... three touchdowns for 28 points.

Jay Feely... two... Oh......

5 0 yarders splitting the uprights.

Oh! Wow! Mmm!

How's it feel to lose?

Mm, about 60% blood flow.


Next week, I am going to crush Andre.

Andre? Ooh.




20. Oh, get the stick.