02x08 - The Tie

Kevin is a lazy, shitty commissioner.

Oh, really?

Why do you ask?

Well let me tell you.

I was stuck in traffic, and I called Kevin to ask him for one tiny favor: to use his power as a commissioner to *** a player for me.

And he says to me, "Look, I can't do it for you.

If I do it for you, then I got to do it for everybody."

You are a bureaucrat!

Like the fat lady at the DMV.

Like the piece of sh1t at McDonald's who won't give me a McGriddle at 10:01.

My asshole could be a better commissioner than you!

And I'm ready to prove it.

Oh, God!

(high-pitched voice): It's me, Ruxin's asshole.

Oh!

And I should be the commissioner instead of Kevin.

Oh, my God!

Do you know why?

(Kevin groaning)

I spew less sh1t and I smell much better.

Looks like a rusty balloon knot.

The preceding message was paid for by friends of Ruxin's asshole.

So you're saying that I should've left Ruxin's asshole up on the message board?

Pete: Ruxin's post contained a lot of wonderful joy and happiness, and you took it down before we had a chance to spread it around to the rest of the world.

First of all, let's start at the beginning, the facts.

He called me every three minutes this morning, for an hour, just constantly begging me to change his lineup, change his lineup, change his lineup.

Just because someone is annoying you with their phone calls doesn't give you the right to censor their posts.

Fine.

But there has been a precedent set that there will be no personal attacks on the message board.

Andre: What are you... No!

What are you talking about?

Yes!

The message boards are founded on the great principle of personal attacks.

You, by the way, are the great leader of all the best personal attacks on our boards, lest we forget Andre and the whole "Nosferatu" campaign you ran on him.

Aha, to my defense, I thought it was a compliment to be compared to a celebrity.

No, you didn't.

I really did.

No, you didn't.

Okay... You look a lot like Nosferatu...

I do not.

I should never have lent you that movie.

Really?

Taco: Hey, guys.

What's up?

What happened to the, uh, what happened to the wrist there?

Oh, well, to make a short story long, I fell out of a tree, landed on my wrist.

But I made a huge discovery today, guys.

Like most people, I've always been into traditional Eastern medicine.

I just always thought that Western medicine was a bit of a joke.

What?

But when I got to the emergency room, I was blown away by how professional it was.

Not a whiff of incense, everything was clean, no weird Chinese guy trying to pinch your nipples.

I mean, guys, this entire experience has really opened my eyes to the ancient wisdom of the West.

Oh, yeah, really old stuff.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're one of these healers, aren't you?

Doctor.

I have seen you in the traditional garb.

Scrubs?

Is that why you plucked your mane?

Okay, just... I thought it was impossible to heal the human body without patchouli oil, but I stand corrected.

Oh, check this out.

Someone does not like that you took down his post.

It looks like Ruxin renamed his team the Kevin's Microdongs.

Oh, what an asshole.

He wants to play, let's play.

I'm just gonna change his team name back...

No, you can't change a team name.

Oh, good luck.

Why won't it let me change the team name?

I can add/drop, I can change the entire league's name, but I can't change a team's... come on.

Our brilliant forefathers in the ancient fantasy football leagues put in a system of checks and balances.

Goddamn, I hate being commissioner of this league.

You guys are assholes.

Speaking of assholes...

Hi.

Hello.

Or should I say...

(high-pitched voice): Oh, hello!

(chuckling)

Like the video.

Ah!

Psyched for Sunday matchups.

Andre, I think you're gonna have a lot of trouble against the Kevin's Microdongs.

It's gonna be a tough match.

Those little Microdongs are very feisty.

Yeah, the Kevin's Microdongs are best at coming from behind.

Do me a favor and change the name back, please.

Okay, fair enough.

Will you change it back??

I will change it back.

Thank you.

To... the McArthur's Crotchnubs.

Good one.

How does that, how does that work?

Very mature. You wanna do this?

Thank you.

Alright, let's do this.

Great.

I'm going to be the...

Ruxin Looks Like A Middle-Aged Lesbians.

Okay.

That's true, actually.

I'm fine with that.

You know what, just... can we just stop...

Ruxin!

Getting all the grease all over my computer.

All right, just wash your hands before you use it, I don't get your germs.

Whoa, whoa, washing your hands is healthy?

I did it 'cause it felt good.

I have so much to learn.

Really, Taco?

It will kill me if this game ends in a tie.

I need this win.

This game's pretty much done.

By the way, did I tell you about the line I have on the Bears tickets?

Really?

Yeah.

Amazing tickets to the Vikings game pretty much just handed to me.

How?

There's this guy who had these tickets and he didn't want them and... This guy?

How do you know him?

I met him at the park.

I was jogging and... just a friendly dude.

And he saw my Bears shirt, and he's like, "I got these tickets for next weekend; I can't go.

Do you want them?"

And I was like, "Sure, how much do you want for them?"

And he's like, "Don't worry about it.

I'm sure you'll do me a solid at a certain point.

And just take them."

You are gonna get tickets from a stranger, and all you have to do is a favor in return?

Oh, don't, don't start.

What are you, in second grade?

No, it's filthy.

Yeah.

Look, it's a normal person doing a nice favor for someone else.

Is he gonna put the tickets through the little hole in the bathroom stall?

Are you really doing what I think you're doing?

Did he sing the song "Faith"?

Did he tap your foot underneath the stall?

Dude, favors are gay.

Parks are super gay.

Parks are like the club meth for homosexuals.

But instead of Jamaicans, it's hobos.

I know some Jamaican hobos.

They're not gay. - Really?

Oh, don't take a knee, Palmer.

I mean it's done.

They're running off the clock.

It's over.

Great.

So me and Andre have tied this one.

Yes, this is one of our few ties actually.

It's total bullshit.

No, it's not.

Yes it is.

It's a tie.

If you actually do your job as commissioner and make a ruling for what happens at a tie-breaker.

We need a tie-breaker.

Oh really? Okay.

You can bring that up before the next season.

As of right now there is no rule And a tie is a tie is a tie.

Listen to me.

A tie is like kissing your sister, which I think everyone at this table's done, Andre.

I haven't done it, cause I just looked at pornographic material at work.

Defect, defect, defect. Back to main's.

We have a tie, we need to fix it.

We need a tie-breaker. - I agree.

Ties are not acceptable in fantasy football.

Fantasy football is about proving that you're better than your friends, not equally good as your friends.

It's not communism.

We're not coveting Billy Joel cassette tapes or wearing ill fitting blue jeans.

Alright, fine. You want a tie-breaker?

I'll give you a tie-breaker. Here.

Whoever catches this piece of popcorn in their mouths first, wins...

No. - We're not participating.

Three, two, one.

We're not participating.

This doesn't count.

Do me, do me, do me.

Okay, here you go, buddy.

I win.

Yay!

Suck it.

Andre and I believe that Kevin should accept our tiebreaker scenario.

And to settle it, I've come up with a brilliant idea.

Why we should have a scavenger hunt.

And what will we search for?

Kevin's v*g1n*...

(chuckling)

...because Kevin is such a giant pussy, which is why we are in this situation in the first place.

You want to play games?

I can play games.

I'm gonna change the name of our league.

We are now The League, plus one short douchebag named Ruxin.

Ha!

Ooh, I'm going to change mine, too, to the "Ruxin Got Serves."

Oh, really?

Well, I'm changing my name to the "Andre Cried While Watching Jumanjis."

What? I'm sorry.

So Andre and I were hanging out a few months ago.

We're watching Jumanji.

And Andre starts weeping at those plucky kids.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a game and I don't know the rules."

What? No. I...

I had allergies.

Oh, Ruxin, you know that's... that's crossing the line.

Oh, excuse me, I'm over the line?

This all started when you pulled my goddamn post.

I'm so sick of your commissioner bullshit.

I'll show you over the line.

"The Fear Boners."

Whoa.

Fear Boners?

How dare you, Ruxin.

You know what, guys?

I quit being commissioner of this league.

You guys can deal with all the problems yourself.

Especially you, Ruxin, you asshole.

Oh, come on.

That was just getting fun.

So wait, he's done... done?

Like I mean, not coming back?

Our fearless commissioner Kevin... I think he's out, man.

Oh, wise one, are these your Western healing potions?

No, Taco, those are spices.

What does "origano" (oregano) heal?

Uh, it's for headaches.

And what about "correondare"?

It's coriander, and that's for hepatitis.

Do you mind if I take some?

I've been practicing your arcane healing arts on my blind neighbor Simon.

All right, so you got to tell me what did Ruxin mean by this whole Fear Boner thing.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, he was really mad.

Can't talk about it, guys.

What?

I can't.

What could it be?

This is one of the unmentionables.

The things that men in society do not talk about, unless they kill each other.

Are you telling us?

Please. Come on, Pete.

So back in college, we were heading home from the bars one night.

And Ruxin, Kevin and myself decided to take an alley as a shortcut.

I wish we hadn't, but that's life.

Can you guys just not mention to my parents about the law school thing?

I'm not going, all right?

I'm going to do Teach for America.

I think you should, man.

I would totally come with you, but I... I got those fish dates, man, I can't bail on that.

You cannot.

Dude, you know what I love is nitrous.

Nitrous, yeah.

Yeah.

Yo!

Oh, God, what is this?

Is he coming over here?

sh1t, sh1t.

Where's Fourth Street at?

Excuse me?

Fourth Street.

Um, it's like two blocks around the corner over there to the left.

Two blocks around that corner right there?

To the left.

What...?

Dude, what is that?

What?

What is that in your pants?!

What is that?!

Nothing.

There's nothing in my pants.

You know what that is.

I know what it is, but why is it here and why does he have it?

If you run at him, he's gonna finish.

You're sick.

No, I'm not.

You two are his boys... get him some help, all right?

That was amazing.

You were like the Hulk.

You got scared and you just burst forth.

I didn't get scared.

I wasn't scared.

I'm just... I'm going to see a girl and I have an anticip-erection.

No.

Yeah, I do.

Fear boner.

A fear boner.

Fear boner.

It's not a fear boner.

You got a fear boner.

(laughing): Fear boner.

Anticip-erection.

No, fear boner.

Go walk it off, buddy.

You'll be fine.

Walk it off.

Can we never talk about this ever again, please?

Never again. Come on.

There goes the Hulk.

Yeah, ***.

To this day, we do not discuss it.

Kevin was so modified in one single moment.

He was cowardly, gay, homophobic and racist.

The perfect quad-fecta.

The fear boner.

And that's why we never talked about it.

Look, the only reason I told you this story is cause we have a serious issue we have to deal with.

We have no commissioner.

And when this league was set up, we never appointed a vice commissioner.

I don't wanna do it.

I don't wanna do it.

I can do it.

You see, we have no options.

None.

Ruxin can't.

No way.

So I don't know, our only option is we gotta get Kevin back.

Can we do it with your healing spices?

Yes, give me some paprika. Quick.


Really? A foot race?

You couldn't come up with anything better to break a tie, huh?

Yeah, just keeping it old-school.

Plus, we didn't trust each other with any other kind of competition.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.

I enjoy both of your unorthodox running styles.

You, with the shrinking girl thing, and you with the escaping mental patient.

You should see me sprint.

You know, I don't mean to get in your head, but, uh, I trained for a marathon.

A what?

A marathon.

What?

A mara...

Hey!

Hey, look who it is.

Our fearless commissioner returns.

No, I am not a commissioner anymore.

I am just a civilian and an avid fan of public moron racing.

I hope the both of you tear an ACL, and I hope maybe you die.

Or drop dead a winner.

Good, good for you.

Yeah, and then I'll win because he's dead, so... High five.

Can we get this going here, guys?

Let's go, guys.

All right.

All right.

Starting line is right here, and the finish line is 400 miles that way.

Meters, Taco, meters.

400 meters around this loop.

All right, here we go.

On your marks, get...

Whoa! Geez!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Put the gun down.

Okay, okay...

Is that a real gun?

Of course it's a real gun.

It's a real race.

Dude, put the gun away, Taco. Put it away.

Fine, fine.

This race is no longer official.

All right, on your marks, get set... go!

There they go.

This... this is what we've been reduced to without our commissioner.

You have to come back.

No, no way.

If they're not going to follow my rules, I'm out.

We're like a frittata of Lord of the Flies, man.

Help us.

(oinking)

Come on, guys, run, run, run, run.

Come on, you can do it.

Boo.

Run, run, run.

Andre wins.

No fair. Interference.

I did it! I won! I won!

No way. You pushed me, okay?

What?

That was unnecessary roughness, or at the very least, interference.

That was incidental contact.

Interference.

Incidental contact.

Commissioner?

Oh, no, no, I'm not the commissioner, and I have no jurisdiction here.

Guys, guys, guys, look, look, look, look.

See this commitment ceremony over here?

Yeah, just a couple gay guys getting married.

Right, but also a well-placed camera which certainly has two runners in the background and what transpired in the race.

If we can watch that video, we can clearly see that that was interference.

Interference! - It's a little contact!

Guys, shut up.

It's on the tape. let's go to the tape.

Guys, this isn't a good idea.

I'll create a distraction.

Shh.

Baby bird is out of the nest.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, Ed, oh, my God.

Pete. How you doing, man?

Good to see you.

Hare you?

What are you doing here?

A couple of my friends are getting married.

You know what, I forgot to call you about those Bear tickets.

You still want 'em?

Um, yeah, that would be amazing.

All right, yeah.

You know what, why don't you come on by tonight to my place, and I'll give you the tickets.

We could go to, like, your office, or I could meet you at a bar or something if you...

No, come on by and have a couple beers.

It'll be fun, huh?

Um... uh, yeah, sure.

Of course, yeah.

Hey, good to see you, man.

Good to see you.

You, too, man.

Looking good.

That guy in the park... was he the Bear ticket guy?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to his house to grab them tonight.

So you still think he's just doing you a favor?

Yes.

Why is that so rare... that a guy would just be a nice, normal guy giving me some tickets?

Yes, what is abnormal about the well-dressed guy at a gay commitment ceremony doing you a favor and inviting you over to his house?

I don't really think you guys are in any position to decide who's gay or who's not gay, Mr.

I Taped My Asshole And Showed it To All Of My Friends While I Was Giggling Like A Schoolgirl?

I found it to be a very effective form of communication.

Look, do whatever you need to do.

I'll be so psyched if you get those tickets.

All I ask is that you prepare yourself.

You can probably negotiate down to just a hand job.

Thank you, Mr. Attorney.

I appreciate it.

Oh, uh, if you're going to give him a hand job, make sure to wear rubber gloves.

That's what all the Japanese girls do.

Great.

Listen, you should look for some telltale signs: if there's jazz music on, if there's a fire going in the fireplace and if he's wearing a silk robe.

I like jazz.

Oh, I got it!

I got it.

All right, let's do this.

Let's go, let's go.

This is futile, guys.

This is pointless.

Fast forward, fast forward.

Gay stuff, gay stuff.

That's... look at that.

Fast forward.

Look at that.

Happiest day of their lives.

Whoa, whoa!

Look at that.

Okay, look.

Can you zoom in?

Yeah.

Looks like a Levitra ad.

There, I won!

No, no, he knocks me.

No, I won.

He tripped himself.

Look, Ruxin's foot hits his other foot and he falls.

Look at his wild arms, like a maniac.

If I cared, I would say that it was incidental contact.

Incidental contact.

That is incidental contact.

I'm making a ruling here.

Andre wins.

Oh, yeah, I'm the winner.

You know what? I accept it. It's better than a goddamn tie.

Congratulations, Nosferatu.

All right, well... you don't have to say that.

So, full disclosure...

I tripped myself.

You won that race fair and square.

True that.

Ugh.

Makes me hate you when you say things like that.

(man chuckling)

There you are.

There you are!

We have been looking everywhere for the two of you.

Sorry, we don't know you.

No, no, you don't, but we know you.

I'm Ryan, this is Nicholas, and we just got married today.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And we videotaped it to commemorate the ceremony, and someone stole our tape.

Oh, that is awful and...

Shameful.

It is, it is.

Fortunately, though, we had two cameras.

Oh.

Yeah.

We watched the other tape, and guess who we saw.

They went to the tape.

We went to the tape.

Come here.

Run!

Run!

Hey, Ed.

Hey, hey, hey.

How you doing?

Good to see you. Come on in.

Oh, hey, all right.

Good to see you, man.

You find it all right?

Yeah, I did. I found it, um... kind of great.

Good.

Looking good, pal.

Looking good.

Come on in.

You know, I know we talked about beer, but then I remembered I had this fantastic French Cab just sitting around.

I though "You know what?

If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for Pete."

To the Bears.

To the Bears!

Mmm.

Come on, let's grab a little couch time.

Uh, yeah.

Um... sh1t.

Okay, Ed.

Yeah?

Um, so here's the deal.

This is all great.

I, um... I just... I can't.

Okay?

I want to be able to do this.

I just don't think I can do it.

I thought maybe it could just be a hand job.

What?

And then I was like, oh, for the hand job, I don't... I don't think I can do that, even with a glove.

A glove?

Feels like I...

Honey, could you take Tim upstairs, please?

What are you talking about?

Who are those people?

That is my wife and my son.

What are you talking about, hand jobs?

Wait, so you're not... you're not gay.

No.

No, you're not gay, okay.

That's funny.

Oh my God. You got an erection.

Oh, sorry, fear boner.

That's fear based. That is a fear boner.

I don't care what you call it.

Just, you know, just get the hell out of here.

Come on, get out.

Fair enough, I'm just...

I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm just going to go ahead and grab those tickets real quick.

Oh, no, you're not!

You're not getting those tickets.

I'm just going to...

I'm going to head for that door.

You'll never see me again.

Hey!

You give me those tickets!

(grunting)

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

I'm not gay!

Get your dick out of my face!

Get out of this house!

Get out!

(door slamming)

(panting)

Shh.

They still after us?

I don't know.

I heard something.

(grunting and panting)

Shh, shh, shh.

You hear that?

You hear that?

Stop it.

Shh.

Shut up.

Be quiet.

Shut up, okay?

What the heck are y'all doing in there?

Hey.

Nothing.

What are you doing?

The park is closed after dark.

Y'all is trespassing and, from the looks of it, fornicating.

No, we're not gay.

We're on the run from gays.

Well, I'm gay, and gays like you give the rest of us a bad name.

You're gay?

I'm gay.

But you're a cop.

Yeah, but he's got a mustache.

Y'all both under arrest.

Get out of the damn bush.

No!

Hey, Thelma and Louise.

Heard you guys were making some friends in the park tonight.

I obviously couldn't call Sofia, so thank you very much for coming down here.

No problem.

Uh, when you guys were running, which one of you ran faster?

What?

When you were fleeing, which one of you fled faster?

We were fleeing.

It wasn't a race.

Oh, see, but the problem I'm having is, I can only bail one of you out.

Why?

Well, I mean, there can only be one winner, as you taught me.

No.

I couldn't think of a scenario where I could bail both of you out.

Could you?

It was a...

A tie.

It was a tie.

I'm sorry, what?

We... tied.

We tied.

Oh geez Louise, can you guys accept that?

Yes.

Alright, great.

Your commissioner will bail you out.

You're commissioner again?

Was I ever not?

Good song, man.

What's next?

♪ In due time it will return To its flaccidla state. ♪

Ooh, ooh!

Play "Pete's Tiny Erect Dick."

Oh, come on!

Two, three, four.

♪ Pete's little tiny erect dick ♪

No one knew what to do with it.

♪ Meegan laughed 'cause she couldn't find it couldn't find it. Couldn't find it. ♪