02x09 - Expert Witness

This is another one of the motions we filed this morning.

We have to be careful.

Excuse me one sec.

Taco?

Hi.

I knew one day you'd get arrested.

What did you do?

No, I came for the show.

What show?

My favorite show is Judge O'Brien and my cable's out, so...

I figured this will be the next best thing.

Put the popcorn away.

Ooh.

Are you a sassy judge or a brassy judge?

I'm not a judge, Taco, I'm a lawyer.

Please don't do anything that's gonna embarrass me.

You know what, I'm missing out.

You're missing nothing.

If it pleases the court, could you go back just a little bit?

Young man, would you please sit down and be quiet?

Is she guilty?

She looks guilty.

Sit down and be quiet.

Bailiff...

Ooh. Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?

Sit down.

Absolutely.

Ruxin: Dude, I got a case this week, super ugly woman.

Just total bowser.

Gets into a car accident, sues the brake pad company, they pay her for plastic surgery, now she's super hot.

But on top of that, she's now suing for emotional distress, and I'm, like, "Excuse me.

"We just paid for you to get super hot.

Why would we give you more money on top of it?

Not a little overconfident there?

Mm-mmm. I'm gonna win it because I have a secret weapon.

What is it?

The judge is totally into me.

You're flirting with a judge to gain legal favor?

She's just my work flirt.

What?

Just a way to pass the time.

After I got married, I shut down my flirt thrusters completely.

I can't do it anymore.

Dude, when you're married, you have to keep a work flirt, all right?

It keeps the flirt muscles limber.

Otherwise, you tense up, you could pop a hammy like Pete did when he got divorced.

I went from married and sitting to single and sprinting, and I strained a testicle.

It's not good.

I never got plastic surgery.

Asian eyes.

We're not talking about Asian eyes here.

We paid for her own personal episode of The Swan.

Andre: You know, actually, 90% of women who get plastic surgery lead better lives: higher pay grades and less divorce rates.

Are you for real?

Yeah, of course I'm for real.

Would you be willing to testify about this?

What do you mean?

Would you be interested in testifying for me as an expert witness?

Yeah! Oh, yes, I'm in!

I get to go up g on the stand ad perform in front of all these people?

No, not really.

Oh, we're gonna go out to lunch with my bro-bros!

Not bro-bros.

I know the best sausage place downtown.

Is that Kowalkski's?

No, no, Mickey's.

Mickey's is terrible.

Mickey's is the best.

Trust me. I'm an expert.

You're an expert on the Brazilian Butt Lift.

Tell you what.

It'll be my treat.

I'll bring all you guys down there, have some sausage at my place, and then we can try Andre's shitty place Mickey's and we'll compare.

That's not a, not a...

I gotta roll.

Good to see you, buddy.

All right, guys.

I'm out.

Bye.

This'll be fun.

What is that?

You steal my thunder?

I'm not stealing your thunder.

I merely escorted them to a more interesting storm.

To be honest with you, Andre, there wasn't much to steal to begin with.

Yeah.

Peyton Hillis is out this week.

I'm gonna pick me up some Mike Bell.

Jenny: Except for the fact that I will be picking up Mike Bell because I have number one priority on the waiver wire.

But you don't need Mike Bell.

I know!

I need Mike Bell.

I know.

But...

What to do?

What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?

Why wouldn't I pick him up?

Love.

Are you trying to collude with me?

Shh.

Don't put words in my mouth.

There's no colluding.

I'll say this.

If this was to occur, I would give you some really good s*x.

Really?

I'd be willing to do that.

I would try my best.

Do you not try your best now?

I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like 60% for the 5 minutes after.

And then after that you're on your own.

You naughty little commissioner.

Yeah!

You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.

Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?

'Cause Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you?

Are you that girl who does all the drawings?

Yeah, I'm the courtroom artist.

Hey, I wasn't here yesterday.

Do you mind showing me what I missed?

Sure, yeah.

Let's see.

Whoa! I remember this guy.

He poisoned all those kids with the yogurt.

Yeah. You are good.

(gasps)

Arturo was guilty?

I thought he was such a nice nice guy.

I guess he did drown all those old people.

I should be, like, back here.

Oh, that might be you.

Well, well, well, it's Mr. Ruxin.

Call me "Rodney," Your Honor.

Who lets you walk around here dressed like that?

Are you kidding me?

This is Brooks Brothers head to toe.

You know you're not in The Great Gatsby, right?

You know you're not in a Nancy Meyers movie, right?

(chuckles) You're such a dog.

Ruff-ruff.

I'll see you in court, Counselor.

Oh, hey, Russ man!

I don't know you here.

I've seen that guy around.

He's a dick.

All right guys, I need your help.

When I'm on the witness stand, what says "expert witness" more, this or this?

I mean, this is a little bit more "man of the people."

Who are the people that you are supposedly a man of with that outfit?

My guess, it's a country entirely populated by fans of Aerosmith.

So lose the vest?

Lose the whole thing.

You just want to look credible.

Have a seat on the witness stand and let's just run one through, okay?

Okay, I got this.

Okay.

Why are you wearing glasses?

To look smart.

It makes you look like a guy in To Catch a Predator.

Like one of those guys that sticks his head in, he's, like, "Oh, maybe not today."

Yeah, maybe not today.

I escaped. I'm the smart one.

Oh, good, so you look like a crafty sexual predator.

Take the glasses off, please?

Let's start.

Can you please state your name and occupation for the record?

Yes.

Yes, what?

What's your name?

Just say your name.

Say your name.

You have to just say it.

Yes. Dr. Andre Nozick.

Doctor of plastic surgery.

What are you doing?

What is that?

I'm addressing the jury.

I'm giving them double guns.

Don't ever address the jury with double guns.

Holster the guns?

Don't holster the guns, don't take the guns out.

All right.

Are you an expert in the field of plastic surgery?

Depends.

No, it doesn't depend.

It sounds like bragging.

I don't wanna be bragging.

I'm asking the question!

Let's move on.

Have I seen your mother naked?

I don't know. What? No!

The answer is yes.

What?!

And I liked what I saw, and I want that written down in the record.

And the defense would like to add that he has seen her naked as well.

No, you haven't.

And she has a huge bush.

That's because she can't shave down there.

She's got razor burn.

How would you know that?

(Kevin giggles)

What? What?

Why are you blinking now?

Because you got me all nervous.

Oh, great, my expert witness blinks when he's nervous.

He's gonna be really credible on the stand.

I'm very credible.

What is going on, you guys?

And why are you wearing those glasses?

You like 'em?

No, I don't.

Listen, sweetie, you were gonna get on writing those thank-you notes for Ellie's birthday party?

Yes. I left them over here, and I will have them out by tomorrow.

Thank you. Andre, do not wear those in the house.

They are going to creep Ellie out.

I would never want to do that.

I like Ellie.

Just stop.

She's such a pretty girl.

Stop. Thank you, sweetie.

I love you.

You're welcome.

Something ain't right here.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about collusion.

Why would you think I'm colluding?

Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask.

It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out.

And we have a loving marriage.

What are you getting at, Ruxin?

How did Mike Bell just fall into your lap, Kevin?

Jenny didn't need Mike Bell.

Something don't smell right here, Kevin.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go take a piss.

Bye, Columbo.

Ruxin, what are you doing?

Oh... I'm just digging through your computers.

Why are you doing that?

Why are you and Kevin colluding?

Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia?

They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis.

(whispers): 'Cause he had it out for me.

No more questions, Your Honor.

What do we got here?

My laundry.

Yeah, it's pretty dirty.

Sad little man, no!

By the way, I need to trade badly, and Taco's the best guy to trade with.

Taco will never trade with anyone.

He is impermeable.

Well, he has not come face to face with Andre, the expert.

What, are you gonna lure him into your bed and fondle the trade out of him?

If that's what it takes.

So good.

Could eat this whole thing.

Actually did eat one of these whole things one time.

What?

You ate a whole Chefo's white load?

White load was in my belly.

No way.

When I was in residency, I did this 24-hour shift.

Whole thing, ate it.

You ever try the stromboli?

The Holy Stromboli?

The Holy Stromboli.

I've tried; I shared it.

But have you ever eaten the whole thing?

It's five pounds of, like, dough, meat and chee...

You can't physically have that.

I actually did it twice... once while it was still hot.

I saw him.

Really, Tony Collusion?

Oh, stop.

You are a sad man to steal my thunder like that.

Hello, boys.

Hey.

Why didn't you come through the front door?

I don't use front anything.

Taco, you seem happy.

Because I just had a wonderful date, and she's the courtroom artist from court.

Details, girlfriend.

Don't say that.

Don't do that.

Come on.

Check it out.

Ooh.

Yeah, this is me singing to her in the park.

She really captures your inner hobo.

Whoa!

And then...

(Andre whistles)

...she left this in my sketch pad.

This is a s*x sketch.

You guys know what that means, right? No.

I have to make a sexy sketch myself and send it to her.

Oh, it's like pic for pic.

Yeah, but I'm not really good at drawing.

Can any of you guys draw me?

No.

I'll do it. I'll draw you.

Awesome.

So you'll draw me naked?

What? Na... Why?

It's got to match.

It's got to be very sexual.

Quid pro quo.

Come on, I'll owe you.

Please.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, let's do this.

Now, should I be erect?

I think Andre would love that.

Oh, yeah, I'm having an open house.

Should I trim the lawn?

Maybe not trim, but you should definitely shave the shaft.

Yeah?

Or better than that, Andre will shave the shaft.

I'm not shaving shaft.

Andre, you shave shaft.

Yes, I've shaved shaft, in a medical environment.

But you are technically a shaft shaver.

Technically, yes.

How many shafts do you think you've shaved?

I think that Kevin and Jenny are colluding.

No.

Yes.

And they're gonna work together, and it's gonna keep me out of the playoffs.

Just relax, okay?

And I know that Kevin tells you everything.

Hey, I know her.

Yeah, don't change the subject on me.

No, no, no, no.

She used to work in the same building as me.

Really nice girl, just empirically unattractive.

Yeah.

How do you know her?

She's the brake pad girl.

That's craz... Whoa.

Who is that?

That's the brake pad girl 2.0.

What do you...

That became that because of that.

That's pretty amazing.

You might actually have a legitimate case here.

So you find her attractive, huh?

Would you mind hooking me up with her?

I think I can get the two of you in a room together.


(opera music playing)

Andre?

Enter, Taco.

What are you wearing on your head?

It's a head massager.

I need my senses at an all-time high for my expert testimony tomorrow.

You gonna wear that while you sketch me?

(Andre chuckles)

That would be impossible.

Makes my eyes vibrate.

Oh, good, 'cause it's kind of freaking me out.

Come, Taco.

Let our work together begin.

Are you ready?

I'm nervous.

Shh.

Disrobe.

Yes.

Very nice.

What should I do?

Shh!

Be still, my muse.

Let the artist work.

Does it look good?

Now we come to the issue of this.

Oh, my junk?

It's quite cold in here.

If you could imagine it in a warm, humid environment, like a jumpsuit.

Mm.

And I don't know if you noticed, but it does have a slight, um... - Lilt.

Yeah.

And as you can see, the cold has not reduced the bend.

I will capture it thusly.

Okay.

You know, it occurs to me, Taco, that since I'm doing you this favor, perhaps you could do me a favor, in the form of a trade.

Yeah, okay, why not.

Okay, uh, great.

Um, I actually logged into your account here.

How'd you know my password?

Your team name is Password ls Taco, so...

I thought my team name was The Encino Men.

No.

Oh, look at this.

You have Ray Rice... he's all right... and, oh, I have David Akers, Philadelphia kicker.

Akers?

I don't want to give him up to you, but...

All right, so he'd make my team better?

Yeah, big-time.

Okay, yeah, let's do that.

How do you actually do that?

'Cause I never know how to trade with people.

You could step back.

Just step back into the artist circle.

Is this my... what is this button?

Is this how you trade?

Um... And, okay, say I want... Whoa, this is soft.

That's, like, a mock turtleneck, right?

Uh-huh.

Let me just see a second.

It's machine washed, too.

Oh, you are tense.

You need to relax a little bit.

Loosen up your shoulders.

Yeah, I don't need that.

Relax.

I think I'm fine.

Hey, Andre, movie starts in about... Okay...

We're just making a trade.

Excellent.

See ya, Pete.

There you go, there you go.

Ruxin, hey.

I'm having second thoughts about the vest.

I told you not to wear the vest.

Ok, *** cause I think this is the constitution.

Alright, it's not the constitution, it's just French bullshit.

But I'm thinking about tie...

Get back there.

Okay, okay, wow.

You're weird.

***

Get out. Just stop it.

Okay, okay.

Sit down and shut up.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Columbo.

Oh, Mike Bell had a big week, huh?

Did he?

I don't remember.

Hey.

Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

Well, I work here.

No, not you, him.

I came to support my friends.

You came here to steal my thunder.

There is no thunder to steal, all right?

You're paranoid.

Don't get in my head.

Don't get in my head.

You shouldn't eat Oreos so fast.

I'll be okay in an hour.

Have a nice day at work, my little Mozart.

All rise.

Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Humphrey presiding.

Please be seated.

Thank you so much for being here today.

You're welcome.

And I think we all wish it was under better circumstances.

But I would like to say that you, uh, you look very beautiful.

Thank you.

Bet you hear that a lot now.

A fair amount.

Fair amount.

(chuckles)

More than you did, let's say, a year and a half ago?

Gosh, it's hard to remember for sure.

Um, possibly.

Possibly.

It's unbelievable the transformation.

I think I'm gonna have to rekindle this thing a little bit.

And, uh, you moved into a new apartment?

Yes.

Are you paying more or less for this new place than the old place?

Currently, I am not paying.

It's a recession special for five months.

Wow.

You know, recession special for me is usually when you buy two hot dogs, you get a free grape drink.

But I'm just a simple man with simple pleasures.

Um, I guess what we've been dancing around, and I'll just ask very directly is... would you say that your life is markedly better since you got in the accident?

I'll allow.

Please answer the question.

I was in a horrible accident.

And I am the victim of much unwanted attention.

Okay, so what you're telling these noble citizens of the jury is that your life is more difficult now because you're pretty?

Is that what you're saying?

Not exactly... - I guess my final question is, isn't your life much better since the accident?

True or false... true.

No further questions.

Thank you for your time.

(judge growling)

Could you state your name for the court, please?

My name is... my name is Slim Shady... No.

I mean... - Please just state your name for the jury, please.

Andre, Andre Nozick.

Dr. Andre Nozick?

Okay.

And what is your profession?

I am a expert witness.

That's not your profession.

I am a...

Without the guns...

I am a plastic surgeon.

Put your hands away.

Don't holster them.

Don't holster them.

Would you mind taking a look at the exhibits over there?

You can see photos of the plaintiff...

Okay, hold on a second.

Photos of the plaintiff before her car accident and after her accident.

And how would you say the plastic surgery is?

Uh, the surgery is excellent.

It's very natural.

And one would wonder what she looked like as a little girl.

(chuckles)

I don't think we need to wonder about that.

And you can take the glasses off; they're making you look like a total idiot.

So you've written a number of studies, isn't that true?

Uh, 90%... Oh... ...of women...

It's soupy. Look at him.

Why is he sweating like that?

...who are affected by plastic surgery, are oftentimes in better relationships...

So I have no further questions.

I'm done with this witness.

But I can... I can stay.

Please sit down.

The defense would like to call its next witness... Mr. Pete Eckhart.

What?! No!

No!

Let's go.

What is going on?

Please step down, sir.

Hi there.

There's a thunderstorm brewing.

It's not your thunder.

I'm the expert. I am innocent.

And if it pleases the court, I would like the last witness's vest stricken from the record.

Good call.

Thank you.

Please state your name for the court.

My name's Pete Eckhart, and, guys, I want to keep this short and sweet because we've all got better things to do.

No offense.

None taken.

All right, let's do this.

Mr. Eckhart, do you see the woman sitting here in court today?

I do see her, yes.

Would you say that she's objectively attractive?

I would say objectively gorgeous and, as a man, I would kill to have a date with a woman like that.

I was the expert witness.

Well, he's doing really well.

Do you know this woman?

I do know her a bit.

We worked in the same building for a while.

And she looked different then, correct?

Yes, she did.

You, in fact, had a nickname for her?

Yes, I did.

What was her nickname?

Das Dinge.

Das Dinge?

Well, what does that mean?

It's German...

Mm-hmm.

...for "The Thing."

Oh, it's German for "The Thing."

(shrieks)

Well, thank you.

I have no further questions.

Excellent.

Actually, you know what, I do have one last question.

Did Kevin McArthur collude with his wife Jenny in Fantasy Football this week to get Mike Bell?

Objection, Your Honor.

You can't object Ask him about the hot Stromboli!

Doctor, I have warned you!

It's five pounds!

Order!

Answer me!

You are under oath!

Did Kevin get Mike Bell through collusion?!

Of course he colluded.

How else would he have gotten Mike Bell?

Oh, horseshit!

What are you talking about?!

He did it!

He ate the stromboli!

I swear to you!

Order in the court!

I will have you all thrown in jail for contempt.

Counselor, your behavior here today has been bizarre and reprehensible.

I want to see you in my chambers now.

Hi.

Das Dinge?

That was just a story I made up to help out my friend.

You were under oath.

I can explain all this to you.

Would you have dinner with me?

Some drinks, maybe?

No.

Okay, well, I'm here, you're here; think about it.

Really? What?

I was under oath.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, sh1t.

(whispering): Taco.

I need to talk to you.

Come here.

No, no, just draw it.

Mr. Ruxin, those witnesses were an embarrassment.

Most judges would hold you in contempt for putting that pedophile up there as an expert witness.

But you're not one of those judges, right?

Well, I've learned to be patient with new dogs.

Okay.

Until they sh1t on the carpet one too many times.

Now I want you to beg for my forgiveness, you dirty dog.

Okay.

See, I thought what we had was a work flirt.

Do we?

And, uh, I was very comfortable in the reserves.

And you're being called up to active duty.

I'm married.

Okay? So I'm not really capable of doing more than what we were doing.

I could watch you flick it.

(judge scoffs)

I could tug one out, maybe, but...

Are you trying to plea bargain?

You know, I dressed like a...

(mouthed): You.

No.

Okay, so, no, um, I don't want to get married.

Oh, thank God.

I-I am married.

Oh.

Yeah.

He's coming here... my husband.

Why would he want to meet me?

Who's been screwing my wife?!

(chuckles): Okay, sweetie.

Calm down. That's funny.

It's fine.

Who the hell is this?

They're just drawings, sweetie.

They just look like people.

That's this desk!

Maybe.

Who the hell is this?!

I'm not sure.

(door creaks)

Ooh, busted.

Hey.

You're a dead man.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, calm down. Listen, listen.

Big misunderstanding, okay?

Nothing happened.

Okay, we just had s*x.

You son of a bitch!

Don't!

(gallery gasps, groans)

She's gonna need a lot more plastic surgery.

Get in early on that.

Bad boy!

Bad dog!

Hi, Judge.

Hi, dog Ruxin.

What?

I got to hide.

Get back here, you little...

Out!

What the... (grunts)

(laughter)

Out!

Thank God.

Can you help me, please?

Almost there.

Slowing down a little bit.

Sure I can't get you a slice, maybe an extra Bud Light?

Oh, please, no.

Guys, last bite, last bite.

Last bite.

It's coming.

Come on, come on.

You did it.

Good job, buddy.

Look right over there.

You see that?

You ate that whole thing.

That's floating around in your tum-tum.

Just a meat, cheese and dough bus.

I don't know how you did that.

I-I could never have eaten the whole thing.

You said you ate it.

No, no, I was just stealing your thunder.

(Andre groans)

I'm sorry, what's that?

(Andre retching loudly)