02x10 - High School Reunion

Pete: All right, I'm thinking we need to up the ante a little bit, all right?

I think we need a new trophy.

Kevin: We can't have a new trophy.

I'm upset about wuat Andre did to the Shiva, too, but until someone else wins its...

Not the Shiva.

I'm talking about a last place trophy.

Ruxin: Huh?

Think about it, all right?

I'm a mortal lock for the Shiva.

And you guys need some scraps to kind of tussle and fight over.

Pete, do you have anything to fill your sad existence of a life besides fantasy football?

Absolutely not, no.

Do you guys?

I mean, kids.

Kids, I guess.

But it sucks, mostly.

They suck.

Now we have the opportunity to commemorate someone's terribleness with an actual physical object.

Yes, perfect!

It should be wrong to have this thing.


I mean literally like showing up on an airplane with a tuna fish sandwich.

I like this idea.


I really do.

And we need, like, an ace name.

This has to be epic.

Andre (chanting): You are North Winnetka High.

Oh, God.

You guys ready for the reunion this weekend?

No. No.

You guys are going, right?

No. Absolutely not going to the reunion.

Why would I want to go?

The reunion is the worst thing in the world.

I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.

So I take it none of you have been working on your reunion book submission.

What? No.

Are you out of your mind?

Can I read you what I have so far?




Webster's Dictionary defines success...

Wow, that is awful.

Right away.

So don't open with that?

No, don't even put that in it.

You're right, you're right.

You know what, I'm going to start off with a little bit more excitement.

How about this?

At a recent dinner with Bryant Gumbel, Bryant was heard remarking, "Andre Nosik...

That's a guy I'd like to know."

No, no, no, no.

Use Greg Gumbel.

You don't want to ostracize on Gumbel versus the other.

Why don't I just put "a Gumbel"?


That's the one.

That's the one.


I'm opening with that.

Rodney Ruxin.


I didn't know this was a unisex salon.

Frank "The Body" Gibiatti.

That's right, "The Body."

It's been a while.


You look, uh, the exact same.

You're married and you still go out a lot?

Yeah, what's up?

Miss Kiev, 2004.

Oh really?

You still hang out with Mitch and Stoney?

Hell, yeah, man.

What about Berkman?

Berkman passed away.



I'm sorry to hear that.


He died of a DUI?

He died of alcohol poisoning while he was driving.


So are you and the Village People going to the reunion?

And by Village People, I mean your close core group of friends.

Oh, right.

'Cause you're all gay.

No, I'm not going to the reunion.

Oh, my God.

You're missing out.

Are you going?

Hell, yeah, man.

I've been seeing a trainer for, like, six months, getting ready for it.

I'm so excited.

Going to relive the brief moment where you had any importance on this Earth?

Yeah, brief moment.

Try four years, homes.

You know, this guy in high school, he loved bigger girls.

I don't know what he's talking about.

I didn't...

I remember your prom date.

She looked like Brian Dennehy, but with long, red hair.

You know what we used to call this guy in high school?

We used to call him the Herdsman.

'Cause the girls were so big, they actually resembled actual cattle.

He'd run around and go, "Hut, hut, heh."

So let me guess... You, uh, work in the Mercantile Exchange?


Trading coffee beans?

Had stock much?


Actually trading pork futures.

We just traded one of your exes I think.

Huge commission.

"Hut, hut, hut, heh, heh?"

Hurts, man.

(child's video game music playing)

♪ You are my buddy... ♪

Taco: Oh, yeah.

♪ You are my buddy... ♪


Yeah, yeah.

Hold up.

Oh no.

Oh, yeah.



Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Why? I couldn't stop.

I was at the vinegar strokes.

What are vinegar strokes?

It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes a face like someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.


Yeah, well, that's horrible.

I never heard vinegar strokes before, but there is that moment where you're just like, "I don't care what happens right now, I'm finishing."

A bee could be stinging you on your eyeball.

Gotta go, gotta go.

Gotta finish.

There's a tipping point.

Have you guys ever seen each other's vinegar strokes?


No. No man should ever see that, no.

Well, rumor has it, if you look into a man's eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul.

Thank you, Dances With Taco.

Hey, guys, I'm going to the reunion.

I'm taking my super hot wife, and I got a name for that stupid last place trophy.

Frank Gibiatti.

The Body.

Love The Body.

I ran into that guy at a barber shop.

I miss him.

I like that guy.

I don't miss that guy.

That guy is the worst.

He makes me appreciate you guys.

That's how awful a guy he is.

Thank you.

And he called me the Herdsman.



We haven't called you that in a while. Heh!

It was never even my nickname.

Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had s*x with in high school, weld could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.

At least I got laid in high school.

Yeah, you got laid, because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

People got to eat.

Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.

I just maybe wasn't as shallow as you guys.

I accept your nomination for Frank "The Body."

Then name for the last place trophy is not going to be decided until we get to the reunion.

We all go to the reunion, we find the worst person possible...

That's the name of our trophy.


Come on, Kevin, you in?

Yeah, I guess I'll go.

You're coming?

Yeah, I want to check out that book.

Plus, I could round up some more chicks for the Herdsman.

Hut, hut!


Heh, heh!

While I'm here, I got to say, when my high school reunion comes around, I'm really hoping to have something to crow about.

Hoping to finish my masterpiece by then.

The Vinegar Strokes Symphony.

All right, so your masterpiece is a symphony about the face people make when they ejaculate?

I must educate the world on this subject.

I don't think they need it.

I need to show you something.

It's very important.

Okay, well, my time is limited.

I'm going to a quinoa potluck and...

All right.

All right, this is just a rough sketch.

Look what I've been doing.

Oh, is this p0rn?

No, no, that's me and my friend.

Filming myself having s*x, trying to look into my eyes, but it's a lot of pressure.

Oh, yeah!

That's my kitchen counter!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You like this pen?

No. Ugh!

My pen?!

Yeah, yeah.

I can't believe you did all of that on my desk.

I'm as upset as you are.

I realize you can't capture your own vinegar strokes.

That's why I need to watch you having s*x.

No, you're not gonna watch me have s*x.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When is your friend coming over?

I'll be in the corner, she won't see me.

I'll just watch you.

First of all, I'm not dating anyone right now, and secondly, no.


Dr. Nosik?

You got the wrong number, asshole.

This reunion is gonna be great.

Can't wait to see who everyone's become.

I mean, we've grown so much.

I can tell you exactly who they've become.

They have become the candidates for the name of our last place trophy.

This is an embarrassment of riches here, so I have created brackets.

Oh, good idea.

Line 'em up, see who wins.

I still think the "Dray's" going to be my number one seed.

Yeah, that's the top there.

Why do we have to ridicule?

Can't we just embrace the amazing night?

That is how we embrace... ridicule.

Yeah, and shame.

Hey, Andre. How are you?

Oh, Tracy, right?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Tracy.

Wow, you look great.

Thank you very much.

You look fantastic.

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.

It's really horrible.

I'm really sorry.

But other than that, you look amazing.

Well, yeah, you do, too.

I'll see you inside, all right?


Okay, cool.


What was that?

What was that?

"Other than that, you look amazing"?

What does that mean?

What was she talking about?

That was odd, wasn't it?

Maybe she's talking about the vest.

The vest works.

Have you seen Mark Harmon on NCIS lately?

It works.

Oh, okay, here it is.

All right, there I am.


Oh, no, hey, this is fine.

Yeah, Andre Nozick.

Look at that, right? See??

Yeah, looks great.

Still had fashion sense back then.

My quote's in here.

Wait... no.


"I was sack-tapped so hard that my left testicle was damaged... had to be removed"?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know that happened.

In fact they had a nudicle inserted in its place like nothing ever happened.

What's a nudicle?

Oh, it's a fake testicle.

That you put in dogs!

Well sometimes. - I guess.

Did you do this?

Andre, I promise, in the history of our relationship, this is the first time I am not lying to you. -Did you do this?

Yes, yes, I did.


Why would you do this to me?

I'm just gonna tell people it's a lie.

You can't do that.

Because they don't know what's real and what's fake then.

Well, that's a problem.

See, the ball part is fake.

What about the doctor part?

Is that fake?

I think it's confusing.

Ok, you know what?

You know what? It's fine, it's fine.

You are not going to wreck my reunion.

I'm gonna have a great time and let everyone know that Andre Nozick is here and that he's got two balls and they work great.

Wow, what a turnout.

This is fantastic.

So everyone have a great time.

We got food, we got drinks...

Be sure to catch up with old friends, and in a few hours, we're going to follow that old North Winnetka High tradition, and we're going to rub Toro's horns for good luck in the coming year.


Mmm, I feel uncomfortable.

I feel like I'm overdressed.

No, baby.

You look amazing, for real.

Thank you, baby.

The rest of these people can suck it.

Oh, look, it's Quinceañera Barbie and Bar Mitzvah Ken.

Hi, guys.

Hey, fellas.

Look like you're, uh, going to the opera.

Oh, you guys look like you work at Fuddruckers.

Hey, uh, how's Andre enjoying the reunion?

He's having a ball.

Yes, having a ball.

Just one.

Glad to hear.

I'm going to get a drink.

Do you want something?

Yeah, would you get me a vodka soda, babe?


Thank you.



Come here.

What's up with the, uh, PDA?

Yeah, it's gross.

My wife is super hot, okay?

I have no problem with that.

I don't think anyone else should have a problem with that.

It's one of the reasons I married her... So that I could take her back to a reunion, be like, "Look at what I've done."


Well, welcome to the happiest night of your life.



How are you, Ruxin?

Oh, wow, this is awkward.

Hands off, you two.

The exes!

Oh, come on.

Hey, uh, you look... you look different.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

I lost 30 pounds.

You lost weight?

Wow, cool, cool, cool.

We don't want to get in the way of you guys catching up.

Yeah, we got to go... We got to round up some names for the... Okay, guys.

(whooping) Hyah!

Good to see you guys.

So, how have you been?

I'm really good.

Things are really good.

Wow. I hear you're a big-shot lawyer now.

Yeah, everything's good.

I'm, uh... I got married.

Oh, the old ball and chain.

Where is she?

Oh, she's, uh... she's actually right there.




I don't see it.

What do you mean, you don't see it?

I didn't think she was really your type.

I don't have a type.

No, you had a type.

No, I don't have a type.

And you can't just... you don't just change your type.

Ah! Hi.

This is my wife, Irina.

You might recognize her from the Ukrainian version of The Bachelorette, so... yeah.

How much was your postage?

She didn't cost anything.

She totally came on her own.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, this must be Mrs. Ruxin.

Or should I say Mrs. Hyah! Hyah!


We went to high school together.

I don't know about that.


Uh, good talking to you, Ruxin.

Good to see you, Kathy.

Bye. Kathy.

So, where is that wife of yours?

Hold on, I bet I can hear her coming.

Oh, sound like buffalo.


Tatanka, tatanka.

There we go.

Here's my wife.

This is my wife.

This is Frank.

Frank was best known for peeing in the water fountains in high school.

Nice to meet you.

This is my wife, Sofia.

Isn't she beautiful?

(stammering): She's fine.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

She's nice.


Okay, good to see you, man.

Good to see you, too, man.

(Frank speaking Ukrainian)


Mmm, I like you.

Yeah, I like you, too.

Hey, let's go kiss in front of some other people, okay?

Half of it's true.

Half of it's false.

So you're not a doctor, but you lost your testicle?

No, no, no, I... am a doctor, and I have testicles.

It's true or it's false.

It's half.

Just show me your balls.


Let's just clear all this sh1t up.

I'm not going to show you my balls.

Andre, right?


Super successful plastic surgeon with one ball?

No... yes and no.

Plastic surgeon?

Yes, thank you.

With one testicle.

No, not that.

So you're not a plastic surgeon?

Fine, I'm a plastic surgeon with one testicle.

Okay, great.

Look, I got a problem.

Right over there... See that blonde number, black dress?

I tell everyone she's an eight.

In reality, could be more like a seven.

After tonight, it may be a six.

I had it pay for immigration lawyer, vaccination and transport for a six.

Be good, Rich.

Rich? I never knew his name.

I know. All I was hearing was Dr. Moonpie.

Doctor Moonpie.

♪♪ Hitler has literally not aged.

I haven't seen him.

Oh, he's right over there.


Is Seabiscuit Asian?

Seabiscuit's Asian?

Was he always?

Can you turn Asian?

Blood wrestle?

That's good, that's catchy.

They're good, but they're not great.



***, ***.


The box of frogs!

Look. Oh, God, that's Box of Frogs.

He's still got the face of frogs.

So horrific.

Look at his face.

Open the box.

Ooh... Box of Frogs.

Oh, my God.

And by the way, I still have a major bone to pick with him.


Do you remember Jerry's party senior year?

He breaks into my mom's car, has s*x, leaves the condom on the steering wheel.

My mom finds it, blames it on me.

Grounded for two weeks.

Lose car privileges for a month.


And the worst thing is, I challenge him on it.

He never admits it.

What a dick.

What a dick move.

Asshole frog.

Number one contender.

Number one contender.

I have two balls.

I have two balls.

I do.

Sure, you do.

Oh, my God.

Wow, uh, Sheva.

Hi, Andre.

You know, you're the only one here that can actually help me out.

You know I have two balls.

Just get the word out.

Why would I do that?

I'm telling everyone that I did the reconstructive surgery.

I have three new clients.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

We're even now.

Are we even?

Oh, oh, yeah.

This... this makes us even.

Hey, guys.

Taco, why are you here?

I am struggling with this "Vinegar Strokes" symphony.

I've just hit a wall with this thing.

I figured... High school reunion...

The best place for inspiration.

Really? - High school reunions are like office parties.

Except the next day you don't have to see the other person at work.

Trust me. Mistakes will be made tonight.

People will be sexing.

And when they do...

I'll be there to capture it.

Can I get a Bud Light, please?

Ooh, Petey.

Hey, Stu, what's going...?


How you doing, man?

All right, we're hugging.


Good to see you, man.

How's it going?

Uh, life's good, you know.

I got a shitty-ass job that I hate.

You're good like that.

You're honest.

What's going on with you, bud?

I have a Web site that distributes independent music.

Cool, still doing the music, man... I like that.

We just had to fire someone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You... you could take her spot.

You could... you could fill her spot.


It's creative... yeah.

You always had such a good eye for talent.

That's what this job is.

You would be traveling around the country picking up small bands and... and getting them on with us.

Like, this is... it's perfect.

This would be great, man.

Six figures.

I think this is perfect for you, man.

Six figures?


♪ Look at how hot My wife is. ♪


Having a lot of fun, baby.

Yeah, this is, like, the best night of my life.



Oh, honey, that's so sweet.


I actually have, like, a little confession to make.

It was always a fantasy of mine to have s*x with a pretty girl in high school.



(chuckles): Yeah.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.


All right.

All right.

Let's do this.

I got an idea, let's go backstage.

Ooh, yeah.


This is gonna be crazy.


Just give me one second, okay?

I gotta *** Gibiatti.

Herdsman no more.

(bull mooing)

Box of Frogs just offered me a job.

Dude, that's great.



A good job?

Yeah, like, a thousand times better than the job I have now.


What'd you say?

I said, "I will think about it."


Went outside...


...gathered my thoughts...


...then I gathered up a huge rock, I smashed his car window, and I left a used condom on his steering wheel. Bam!

No, see, not smart.

No, that's not a bam.

That's a bam.

The bigger question is: Where did you get the used condom?

I made it.

Oh, my...

You ever done that before?

This is embarrassing.

Weird, not terrible, actually.


And I left him a note that said, "Thank you for the job offer, but you can shove it up your ass."


"And thank you for the trophy, Box of Frogs."

Why would you do that?

You hate your job.

'Cause no one has s*x in my mother's car and leaves a used condom in there without getting some sort of...

Yeah, no, you're right.

You should just...

That's-that's perfect.

Let's just drop it.

He didn't... You didn't tell them?


Why wouldn't you just tell them?

Tell them what?

Tell them nothing.

Okay, Stu didn't have s*x in your mom's car, Kevin did.


Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, how do you know this?

'Cause it was with me.

Oh, no.


What? What?

Uh, why don't they put these things in the reunion books?

Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.

I'm sorry, can I get some more details?

No, no. Good.

Okay, he was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name...

Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!


It was funny actually.

So the first Shiva blast was your vinegar strokes.



All right, Eskimo brother.


You son of a bitch.

I just lost a huge job opportunity because of you. Stu!

I'm gonna handle him.



Oh, sh1t, sorry.

Don't go to your car.

Hey, asshole.


I have your note.


There you go.

Might have my blood and your semen on it.

I also have your condom in here.

I would take it out but I don't wanna touch it again.

Alright, in my opinion...

Way to tie off the condom, too...

I have cum, I have your cum all over my car.

Um, can we talk about that job?

You aren't just a giant cock.

You're an idiot.

Hey, guys, guys...

We can't find the bull.

Little help?

This is amazing.


(both moaning)

I'm getting close.


Oh, God!

Oh, God!




Quiero mas?



(both speaking Spanish)

Okay, okay.

I'm percolating.

What? What?!

Get out of here!

Get out of here, my insides!

Ay! Ay!

Oh, God!


Oh, God, I'm getting close.

Oh, I'm at full brew.

Oh, God!


(Ruxin grunting)

Okay, keep on it.

I can't stop.

Oh, God, I can't stop.

I can't stop.

Ooh! Ooh!


Oh, the coffee's finished!

The coffee's done!

(Sofia screams)

(Ruxin groaning loudly)

(others groaning)

(bull mooing, Ruxin groaning)


Herdsman for life.


Gentlemen, I present to you...

The Sacko.

Oh, I like it.


I like it a lot.

"You are the worst."


What's that thing on top?

This is the Sacko Del Toro.

Otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

No, no, no, no.

We said we were gonna name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys.

You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Thank you.

Oh, you're just saying that.

You're all sacks of sh1t.

All right.

Here's to The Sacko.

To The Sacko.

The Sacko.

I love it.

I hope I never win it.

Smells like a new car.