02x11 - Ramona Neopolitano

Ruxin: I want to talk to you about what my law firm does.

Look, has my firm represented a few bad apples?

Maybe.

Was it a mistake for us to take on that Japanese whalers' case?

Possibly.

Possibly?

Definitely, but I think you'll find that if your company retains my firm, that we are just a family.

Just a small family, of corporate litigators.

Oh, here we are, hey little man?

There's the big guy.

He's a still a little cranky.

Well, let's get the big guy something to eat, they've got a kids menu here.

What he likes is not on the menu.

Here we go, baby.

Um...

Just go ahead.

This is what you love, go ahead, latch on.

This is a little hard.

How old is he?

He's like a year old.

He's 19 months.

Everybody eat, eat.

He can't be the only one.

That my son in breast-feeding.

I can barely get latched on to those tits.

What's she gonna do?

Is she gonna be at little league and she's gonna have to be in the dugout, squirt it out if he needs a little taste?

If you're old enough to ask for it, then you're too old to receive it.

I'm just worried that he's gonna turn up weird.

Not like serial killer weird but like "fat, ambisexual church receptionist" weird.

Pete: Or even worse, "guy who brings his own smelly snacks to a bar" weird.

Andre: Oh, this is actually Grandma Sally's soy snacks.

They're reducing my body fat, fighting against cancer.

Just from eating soy?

I'm on a pure soy diet almost.

Want some?

Oh, that thing smells like Birkenstocks that have been left out at Bonnaroo.

Taco: "He liked pussy soy snacks."

Taco, what are you, what are you doing?

Yeah, Jimmy Olsen, what are you writing down?

In my spare time I like writing obituaries.

Excuse me?

Obituaries for you guys.

Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?

You guys don't do this?

No.

Well, these aren't final.

Obviously... I'm right here.

Yeah, but, I mean, you've pretty much done what you're going to do.

Yeah, you're over.

Here we go.

"Kevin McArthur died in 2014."

Well, that's good to know.

"Outlived his wife by three years.

He leaves behind a daughter and a loving brother who saved the world from terrorism."

Whoa, congratulations to you.

I got "Andre Nowzik..."

Thank you very much.

"...died in 2012 of a swallowing accident."

Oh, you didn't mention anything about me being a doctor, changing people's lives?

Well, I write the important stuff.

What else?

Oh, "Pete... no known last name... died in 2071."

Sweet.

"He loved to watch TV."

That's all I have.

You nailed that one, bud.

Right.

Okay.

What about Ruxin?

I haven't done one for you.

What do you mean you haven't done one for me?

'Cause you haven't really accomplished anything yet.

He's got you there.

I got to say I'm pretty happy with the number two slot.

(coughs)

No, I'm not choking.

Stop it.

Damn it.

And suck it, Andre.

Thanks again for those cookies, Maggie.

Much appreciated.

Bill.

Pete, how are you?

Doing great, man.

How's the knee?

Not too bad.

Did you get to those Dukatech numbers that I asked you about?

Just, just pushing 'em through, so...

Yeah, I do need you to push 'em through.

You said you would have 'em yesterday.

Definite team effort we're feeling in the homestretch there, so...

Just to be clear, it's not a team effort.

I've only asked you to do it.

This is a top priority.

So we're on the same page?

Crystal.

Just talk to me like a person, okay?

Train moving 100 miles an hour.

We are gunning for it.

Just say yes.

And I'm feeling good.

Just say the word yes.

You got it.

After a little Fantasy...

Welcome back to Sirius XM Fantasy Football along with Adam Caplan, I'm John Hansen.

Adam, let's go to the phones.

K-Dog in Chicago.

Yo, what's up, K-Dog?

Hey, guys, first-time, long- time.

Ho-ho!

All righty, what do you got there, K-Dog?

Look, I'm having a number two wide receiver issue this week.

I don't know whether to start Meachem against the Cowboys, and then again I always have Mike Wallace going up against the Bills.

I mean, it's a toss-up, guys.

What do you think?

The one thing I like about Wallace is he's a deep threat and you know he's got a chance to score at any time.

The problem with Meachem is Sean Payton is evil for fantasy football.

He has a new favorite receiver every week.

You can't trust Meachem.

All right, bu-but which one would you rank higher?

Both guys have upside potential, Adam.

But Wallace has got the best matchups.

So Wallace it is.

This week Mike Wallace is higher.

So I'm gonna start Wallace, then?

We would say yes.

So you're leaning towards Wallace?

Yes!

Wallace... lock it in, done.

An-And please, if you're ever out in Chicago, I'd love to take you out for dinner or a drink or...

We like Chicago.

Not so sure about you, bro.

(dial tone)

Hello, hello?

Okay, they're gone.

All right, anyway, Wallace it is.

Lock it in.

Listen, I'm just going to cut right to the chase.

It's clear to us that you have been working on not work but on fantasy football as well as some out-there p0rn sites.

That is not me.

I'm a company man.

You know how it is, Bill.

This is a printout of your activity from this morning.

FantasyGuru.

Rotowire.

There's something in here called FootAndBalls.net.

Now, that could go either way.

Point is you're busted, but don't worry, I play, too.

You do?

Yeah, I got a league with some of the other VPs, but the thing is that I suck.

Here's the situation.

Uh-huh.

You are going to play for me.

I want my team to win the next two games because I need to get in the playoffs.

I will not be made fun of by these guys anymore.

Bill, is this my new job?

No, this is how you keep your old job.

Tell you what... let's just start with the basics.

What's the team name?

Wreaking Haddocks.

It's like my name... Wreaking Haddock... but with "wreak"... like "wreaking havoc."

All right, that's your first problem right there. What's the password?

It's "King of Chardonnay."

Want me to write it down?

Jesus, Bill, no.

I'll tell you what.

What I'm hearing from you is maybe just a little vacation time, maybe a little bonus.

Here's what I's saying.

You get me in the playoffs, You get to keep your job.

You don't get me in the playoffs, you leave here and you never come back.

With a bonus.

Be honest with me.

Do you have Asperger's?

This is ridiculous.

Meachem will not stop scoring points.

So what's the problem?

He's on your team.

No, he's on my bench.

That's the problem.

Oh.

I started Mike Wallace based on what the fantasy "experts" told me was going to happen, and look.

That's your problem.

You take the rankings as gospel.

You're a ranking slave.

I'm not a ranking slave.

Jenny: You are, and it's not just football, you guys.

I mean, Kevin kind of does this with everything.

I do not.

Really?

Neopolitano Ramona?

Neopolitano Ramona.

What, what is this?

It's the number one-ranked cappuccino maker in the entire world.

How often do we drink cappuccino?

Rarely.

Never.

"He was a ranking slave with a weak s*x drive.

His inability to trust his own judgment is what killed him in the end.

His number one-ranked GPS led him off a cliff."

"He is survived by his cappuccino maker Neopolitano Ramona."

You're a dick.

Can we just talk about the rankings that really matter?

The Lady McArthurs won again, and I am dangerously close to being relevant in this league.

Much as I hate to say it, you actually have a point.

Next week's games decides who is going to get the Sacko and who is going to get the Shiva.

Pressure's on, kids, but at least you only have one league to worry about.

Did I tell you what's going on with my boss? - No.

So my boss gives me his shitty-ass team and says, "Get me in the playoffs or I'm going to fire you."

Does this have anything to do with our league?

No.

Okay.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull it off.

The team is almost as bad as Andre's.

Wow.

I have a good team.

I think we can go all the way.

You know, two years in a row.

Andre nation.

Your team is awful.

You're right.

I'm falling apart.

I'm playing you next week, and you realize that I'm going to decimate your insides.

Andre, can you at least assemble some sort of shitty comeback?

What's going on?

Can you guys just give me a second, please?

I'm just a little emotionally raw.

You are riding a roller coaster of emotion.

I'm not riding a roller coaster, okay?

Is it perhaps something to do with all the soy you've been eating?

No, no.

And the fact that soy has incredibly high levels of estrogen?

Andre, that's it.

It's not it, okay?

I don't know what it is, but it's not it.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You have man-boobs.

What?

Look.

Whoa!

You've got fat nipples, son.

Can you please just help me here for a second?

Yeah, you guys are being a little harsh.

Thank you.

Answer me this, sweetheart.

Do you go soft cup or underwire?

I am going home.

Aww.

Have a great rest of your Sunday.

You wrecked mine.

After his man-boobs came in, his pen1s disappeared.

2014, died of ovarian cancer.

So sad.

That is tragic.

Done.

Coming at you with Sirius XM Fantasy Football.

Let's go to Purple People Eater.

Hey, what up?

Purple People Eater calling from Minnetonka.

Want to talk Vikings football.

Dude, we've taken a ton of calls on the Vikings today.

Purple, there are 31 other teams in the NFL.

Yeah, it's not actually for me.

It's, um, for my wife who (pretending to cry): recently passed away.

Oy. Uh...

Was it sudden?

What do you think, man?

What do you think?

Look, I agreed to manage her fantasy football team and one of the things that she was passionate about before her passing to the great beyond was whether Percy Harvin's migraines were going to stop him from starting this week.

Adam, that is a tough situation here, and we're also dealing with bereavement issues.

Let's think about this, and we'll get back to you on the other side, Purple People Eater.

(pretending to sob): Thanks so much.

Sweet.

You had a first wife who died?

Huh?

I'm your second wife?

What?

You didn't tell me that you were married?

I can explain.

Explain it, then.

Welcome back.

Okay.

Widower, are you there?

We're here for you.

Widower going once.

Widower going twice.

Yeah, I'm a widower.

So glad to have you back. What can we do for you?

I just got to take this.

Listen to me.

We don't keep secrets from each other.

Yeah.

I mean, just this one secret about my dead wife and that's it.

I just...

I just want to know about her.

Mm-hmm?

What was her name?

Her name?

How could you forget her name?

How could I forget her name?

You didn't know her.

I did.

I was married to her.

Her name.

Ramona? Ramona.

Neopolitano.

Ramona?

Mm-hmm.

Italian.

Northern.

I want to know a whole lot more about her.

Ooh, that's about all I can share right now for all the... (stammering)

Sty strong baby.

Yeah.

You know what would be really helpful?

s*x and cookie dough and some s*x.

(elevator bell dings)

Hi. Excuse me.

Hi.

Thursday night, huh?

Game's coming up.

You a football fan?

Mm-mm, no.

Okay.

(crashing and squealing)

What was that?

Oh, sh1t.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, not good.

Come on.

There's no phone in here.

No phone?

Try your cell phone.

I don't get service in here.

No, I got nothing.

(banging): Hello?

Oh, sh1t.

My line-up.

It's after 6:00.

The building is closed.

What if there's a fire?

Guys, we got to get out of here now.

Well, how the heck are we going to get out of here?

Give me your shoulder.

Here we go.

Oh, my...

(groans)

Can I put my foot on your head, please?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

I just need a crowbar or something.

What do you see?

Oh, got it.

You need a hand?

Oh, my gosh.

Here.

Take this.

There you go.

Okay, I got it.

I got it, I got it.

Okay.

Hand me this.

Oh, my...

Stand back.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, it's moving, you guys.

I got it.

Keep going.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm going to crawl up.

I'll pull you guys up.

O-Okay.

Come on, here we go.

Genius.

I got you.

Thank you so much.

All right, sir. Come on.

Here we go, here we go.

Do you work for the company?

I mean, that was amazing.

How can I ever thank you?

No thanks necessary, seriously.

You want to get some drinks sometime?

I must be on my way, folks.

I'm sorry.

I-I...

Wait. We didn't get your name.


Jeff, Jeff, I need your computer.

Go go go go go.

What the hell?

At little we have 30 seconds to set you line-ups.

Sorry, boss, Danny got to get there himself.

Alright. Get that out of there.

Uhh...

Oh, sh1t, Johnson. Alright.

Yeah. Oh, sh1t.

Time is up, game just started.

Alright Haddock.

Where did we leave you last?

Somewhere--illegal lineup?

What? No no, what--

No quarterback, not good.

Alright.

Back to the phone lines, we're gonna go to K-dog in Chicago.

What's up K-dog?

Do you remember me?

I'm the guy you screwed over.

You told me to start Wallas, meanwhile, I got Mitcham sitting on the bench, he scores two touchdowns.

It's one player. Come on, dude.

I lost by three points.

We told you Meachem had upside potential.

But you ranked Wallace higher.

Rankings slave.

Rankings bitch.

That's exactly what I am.

I'm a slave to the rankings.

Dude, you got to be a man.

Make your own decisions.

Absolutely.

I haven't made a decision for myself since the day I got married.

I have a car that has a little screen that tells me what's behind me.

I don't even want to make the decision of turning my head to look what I'm running over.

Tell me what to do!

And Hansen, you even call yourself a guru.

You've "gurued" nothing!

Don't call yourself an expert and give me shitty advice.

Hey, hey, hey.

You suck at your job.

Dude, here's a prediction for you, my friend.

You are banned from the show for life.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because I'll call in as other people.

I'm going to be Mike from Seattle who's so upset Nate Burleson's not going to make it this year.

Correction, my friend.

You're Kevin McArthur from Winnetka, Illinois.

And I'm looking at your phone number right here, dude.

It's not blocked?

(dial tone hums)

Can I take back what I just said?

Eckhart.

Hey, Bill.

What's up?

What the hell, man?

What?

You made me look like an idiot.

You gave me an illegal lineup.

No quarterback, one wide receiver.

Thanks to you, the Wreaking Haddocks are the laughingstock of my league.

I told you to change the name.

It has nothing to do with the name, okay?

It's an awesome name.

It has to do with the fact that you couldn't complete one simple little task and because of that, you're fired.

Wait. Wait.

No. Really?

I have been waiting for this for such a long time.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I'm very serious.

Haddock?

Oh, Mr. Mitchell, sir.

What did I just hear you say?

Sir, I was just letting him go for, uh...

Letting him go?!

He's a hero.

He saved people from a broken elevator.

Eckhart?

Well, I wouldn't call myself a hero.

He's a company man.

Do you know what that means?

Maybe I don't. I thought I did, but I really...

You know, we shouldn't be too hard at old Bill here.

Actually, we were just discussing the future of my career here, and while it did sound like it was going down, Bill was actually entertaining the prospect of going...

Up.

Good job.

Alright.

Nice seeing you, Mr Mitchel.

I believe we have a meeting.

Ah, yes sir.

You're a dick, you know that?

God speed!

Oh, king of chardonnay.

Uh.

Hello.

Okay, so we're all on the same page here?

Yeah, you're a monster.

Sofia needs to believe I have a dead wife.

I've always had a dead wife.

If Sofia finds out that I don't have a dead wife, then I'm a dead husband.

I plan on saying nothing and I'm confident it will play out perfectly.

Great, this will play out.

Oh, it's gonna play out...

What are you--

...perfectly. Let it play out.

It's really hot, I'm sweating balls.

Jesus man, no, you're sweating tits, look at those things.

Do you see them?

They're tremendous.

No, you can't, I'm wearing compression shirt.

Andre, stop eating the soy and growing man breasts.

No more soy.

Isn't it illegal for a plastic surgeon to give himself a tit job?

Why do you attack me like that?

Andre, just write your feelings down in your diary, that's all.

I don't have a diary, I have a dream journal.

Andre, why are you sweating?

'Cause I'm hot.

This place is like a hot box.

I mean, really, what are we in here?

You're going through manopause.

I'm not going through manopause, okay?

No, no, you are, and the good news is, you won't have manstruation anymore.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hey.

I just want to say, thank you for being here.

Celebrating Ramona's life is very special to me, so I think, um, we should take this time to remember her.

I would love to hear from you guys.

Um...

Go ahead, talk about her.

I'm a little... emotional.

Yeah, what can you say about people?

Yeah.

It's like a kite in the wind.

You know, it blows, and you lose it.

Okay, please.

I knew Ramona, okay?

You know, and as we all knew, she loved her Sundays.

Mm.

And she loved, more than anything, her silence.

Let's bow our heads and close our eyes, focus on what's really important...

(football game plays on TV)

If you... ... still close ten.

And a little middle kind of bubble action.

Diving touchdown.

Oh!

(all groaning)

Let it out, guys.

Let it all out.

Aw!

Mm. Feels good.

That's good.

I'm a little more emotional than I thought I would be.

Yeah, that was impressive.

All right, well, um, can I get you guys anything to drink?

A beer would be great. Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, babe, do we have any appletinis for Andre?

I'm not drinking liquor, but I guess I can splurge.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You are so dead.

You are done, dude.

I'm not... The double entendres are as dead as Ruxin's fake wife.

No.

Look, at least you have two nice new little friends to play with during the off season.

I don't even know why you would say that.

No...

Were you talking, or just staring at your tits?

You know what?

Have fun without me, 'cause I'm gonna go upstairs and watch the game by myself.

Beef.

Oh, they jiggle when he gets mad.

Mm-hmm.

(sighing)

(football plays on TV)

God, it is so hot in here.

Take this off.

Just calm down.

I just need to keep cool.

Keep cool. Keep cool.

That's better. I feel better already.

Just relax.

Hey.

How's it going?

Really well.

Cappuccino machine for you.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

How's Jeffrey? I'm dying to see him. Where is he?

He's napping.

He is? Oh god, he must be getting so big right now.

He's on solids, right?

No-no, we're breastfeeding.

You.. you're breastfeeding? Still?

Yeah.

Why do anything else... when you've got the best stuff in those puppies?

Yeah. Leche de mama on tap.

That's what I'm saying.

Just stop. Just... ew.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

I'm gonna make some soy lattes for the guy...

Yeah, you can make anything.

You could do a cappuccino...

Ramona.

Hmm?

R-Ramona.

No, he didn't.

All right, I need this kick.

Oh, Jeffrey, what's going on?

(gasps)

See this guy right here?

My whole season comes down to this one kick.

If he gets it, I'm golden.

If not, it's all over.

Oh, here it is.

Oh! No!

(Jeffrey crying)

Oh, no.

(Andre cries)

(Jeffrey cries)

Yes!

No psycho bull for this guy, huh?

Rocky?!

Yeah, babe.

I'm gonna kill you.

What?

You lied about having a dead wife?

No.

Babe, let me explain, okay?

No, no, you sit back down.

Oh.

Listen to me.

You have lied, and you named her after a coffee maker.

It's actually the Consumer Reports' number one cappuccino maker in the country.

Just for the record. Oh, okay.

You know what? Shut up.

You're a pendejo.

You're all pendejos.

And I want all you pendejos out of my house.

And you take that big-titted maricón Andre out of here, too, you understand?

You have three minutes to get all these people out of here.

Baby. Sofia?

You know what?

Suck my huevos.

Oh... oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh-Oh... Oh, I'm sorry, oh...

Okay, okay. It's okay.

Come here. Okay, it's okay.

(Jeffrey sucking)

Oh.

(Andre whimpering)

Oh, and thank you so much for bringing a cappuccino maker with my dead wife's name on it.

We don't use it anymore.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Rodney Ruxin, born in 1982.

Died in 2010 from multiple stab wounds inflicted by his non-fictional wife Sofia.

At least I'm finally getting an obituary.

Is there such a word as better than perfect?

(Jeffrey crying)

It's Jeffrey.

Oh, no.

I was thinking I'd...

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank God you're here.

He latched on.

What?

Please just get him off me. Please, please, please.

What is going on?

It hurts.

It's like he's sucking my nipples through a garden hose.

Huh!

Taking calls. Adam, a special treat right now... we're gonna go to a young lady, Ellie.

Ellie, how can we help you?

My mom is deployed to Afghanistan, so she wanted me to call for her.

Okay, well, let's try to help.

What's your question?

What do you got going on today?

Mommy wants to know if she should play Jahvid Best versus the Bears, or Ricky Williams vs. the Browns.

That's a tough call, Adam.

Both guys doing very well.

They're very very close.

Which one is better?

Rank them.

Which one is better?

Rank them.

Adam, this is eerily familiar.

Ellie, is there someone in the room with you?

Yeah, my daddy.

No, not your daddy.

He hates your show.

It's that dude from last week.

K-Dog making his daughter call the show.

This is an all-time low.

My daddy said he'd rather listen to those mushmouthed Bean Town jackasses on Call Talk than the crap that you belch out of your pie holes.

You know what, Ellie? Your dad is still banned.

And Ellie, it is a permanent timeout for you, as well.

You are banned from the program.

I did it!

Ellie. Ellie.

Please don't call Social Services.