02x12 - Kegel the Elf

Season's greetings, everyone.

From Kevin and Jenny.

We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a very happy and healthy holiday season.

We have so much to be thankful for.

We have a wonderful, healthy daughter.

Amazing friends.

Ugh! So delusional.

And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?

Here we go.

It seemed to have slipped my mind.

Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs.

I mean, some homes don't have any.

Andre.

I never should have made that trade with Taco.

And this week's matchup should be a a cakewalk.

Yes. You're going to obliterate Peter.

You are going to kill Rodney.

We'll see about that.

And so, from the first family of fantasy football... To your family at home...

Suck it! d Good tidings we bring to you and your friends d d we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year d Oh, that is awesome.

You did that so good, baby.

Good job, princess.

High five! Yes!

You remembered all the words.

That was good.

Well, most of the words.

Okay.

Thanks for coming, Pete.

It's never too late to become the godparent I've always wanted to be.

Really?

Yeah Has nothing to do with Ellie's very single teacher?

Well, maybe a tiny...

Little bit.

Tiny bit? Little bit?

Great job, Ellie.

Right?

Very nice, miss Martin.

Well, thank you very much, Mr.

Eckhart.

Are we still good for our after school appointment?

Yes. Our appointment.

We are on.

Chinese food, maybe a movie?

Sure. So, um, can actually talk to you two for a second?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, that sounds serious.

That would be my cue.

Come on, let's head out.

Thank you so much.

So you do guys mind taking a seat for a sec?

Yeah. No.

Sure. Okay.

Great. Uh, we don't sit like that in my class.

Oh, yeah, no.

Turn the chair around, please.

I don't sit like that in...

Don't want to set a bad example.

No. Right Okay, so Ellie has had some behavior that has been slightly troubling, and, um...

Really?

I had asked her to draw a picture of her hero.

Are you guys friends with a, um, a man named The Flex?

"Cady Williams."

She spelled Williams correctly.

She did.

She's an excellent speller.

That's great.

And then also, during lunchtime, students often trade things out of their lunch boxes, but Ellie seems to be running these incredibly elaborate, like, three-way trades, and she's starting to act like a bookie.

Really?

She told one of the other students, summer, to take a ride on her "suck stick."

Frankly, I've never even heard that phrase before.

I've never ridden on anyone's suck stick.

I haven't either.

Do you even know... do you even know what that means?

It could be like a lollipop or a popsicle.

Yeah, like... okay, I think that may be inappropriate.

No, we do not speak like that in our home, not ever.

Never.

Ellie, I want you to meet someone.

This is the elf on the shelf.

Elf on the shelf?

Yeah.

This elf tells Santa who is being naughty and who is being nice.

Really?

He's watching you, all the time.

So this little budy he's going to sit right up here and he's going to keep his eye on you.

Okay?

And now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.

Bath time.

That's bull crap.

What did you say, young lady?

You heard me.

Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on a the shelf?

You're calling Santa right now?

Uh-oh.

Santa's being phoned.

All right.

Rtop busting my balls.

Where-where did she learn to talk like that?

I knew we were going to have the dick kid, I knew it.

I'm going to get a sympathy card and send it to your house.

Why?

'Cause you're dead.

I'm going to shove my flex player so far down your throat, you're going to be able to taste it on Monday.

You're in the playoffs now, okay?

And you're going to choke like Tony Romo every year, my friend.

I love this.

Watching you two argue like this...

Oh, God.

Knowing that I don't even have to participate.

I'm above it.

Are you claiming that you enjoy not being in the playoffs?

I love it.

Really?!

Stress-free.

Had a great season.

You had a terrible season.

Horrible season.

Until you play for the Sacko, which you will, it's as if you're not in this league at all.

You cease to exist.

I exist.

No, you are fading away like that photograph in 'Back to the Future'.

And until McFly screws Caroline in the city, you're gone.

By the way, Jenny and I got you and Sophia a Christmas present.

Wait, I thought we weren't doing Christmas presents this year.

No no, we do Christmas presents because we're good people.

I don't wanna give you a present, you don't want to give me a present, why should we do it?

Why should we waste out time?

Dude, you haven't even thought about it yet?

That is why you suck at fantasy football 'cause you're spending all year getting people gifts that they hate.

Oh, like you didn't like that Iron Man II replica mask.

Well, Ruxin, how are you?

Where's Andre?

Who?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Who's this douchebag?

Oh, this is Terry, the anorexic pumpkin we're hanging out with.

How did your date with Lindsey go?

Man, it was good.

I love that you're going out with his kid's teacher.

I mean, the woman whose hands are shaping your daughter's future, are firmly grasping on to Pete's tiny little doner.

In all fairness, ermm, that's not really happening right now.

What do you mean?

I don't know, man, I mean things are good.

Did you do your funny little joke and then lean in for the kiss?

I leaned in, I got the kiss, and then, hrroooh.

Stone wall.

Shut down.

She had a kid, like, last year and she keeps telling me that I'm not ready and--

That means she's not ready.

She just had a kid.

When Sophia had a kid, we didn't have s*x for six month.

Baby Jeffrey just... blew the church doors wide open.

Baghdad's not ready for the Olympics, okay?

It's like a warzone down there.

Yes, it's horrible.

You should just send her over to me.

I could hook you up with a vaginal weight specialist.

That's real?

It's a real thing.

It's kind of like working out.

Women do these Kegel exercises with weights that help strengthen the vaginal wall.

Would there be such a thing as, like, a vaginal strongman?

Step right up and see the strongest v*g1n* in all of Coney lsland.

Only a nickel.

Her labia can pull an entire mack truck!

Ugh, ugh.

Uh-huh, you made this gross.

This was fun, and now you're making it gross.

Oh, from the McArthurs.

Uncle Kevin and aunt Jenny sent us a present that I didn't ask for, so I have to send them a better present, 'cause I make more money than them.

What do we got here?

Look at this cool box.

Kevin actually did something nice for daddy.

Oh! Ew!

Oh, oh, gross eggs!

Uncle Kevin just tried to stink out daddy before the playoffs... get in his head.

And now you're going to learn the most important Ruxin family value... revenge.

Okay?

Milk, chicken... the milk gets rotten, and the chicken gets rancid, and in a few days, it's going to explode.

And Kevin's house smells like you after you've eaten too many peanuts.

Ta-da! Chicken-milk stink bomb.

Yay! Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Oh, hey, what's going on, Ellie, good to see you.

Who is this guy that you have here?

This is my elf.

Oh, what's his name?

Kegel.

Oh, elf Kegel.

Kegel, the elf.

I wonder what job Kegel the elf has in the North Pole.

I wonder how Kegel the elf got its name.

What?

You're a doctor.

You know that came from you.

This is my fault?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, I snuck into your house late at night and gave her a Kegel color book.

She got it from you.

No more foul language.

I have a clean mouth.

No, you certainly do not.

Look inward, my friends.

You have the dirtiest mouth I know, and you have the second dirtiest mouth I know.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

Last week you told me to take a ride on your suck stick.

Hey.

I thought it was a compliment.

Oh, and you should get off your high horse because I believe it was last week on the message board... it was you who called me a "cocktard."

Oh!

Like it.

Cocktard, right?

Good job.

Jo yeah.

Blow it up.

This is nice.

Just because we're competing in the playoffs, doesn't mean we can't take a moment to have a nice, gentlemanly drink and celebrate our accomplishments.

Thank you, sir.

Cheers.

So, how are you?

How are things going with miss Martin?

Things are great.

There's a little bit of an issue, though.

She's having a little bit of a confidence issue in this area, and...

Let's use our words now, Pete; Come on, now.

Okay, fine.

She's have a pussy confidence problem.

Oh, not those words.

And I was wondering if you might have a little talk with her.

Why me?

No one has more confidence than Jenny McArthur.

No, no, no, no.

If I remember correctly, you guys accused me of vaginal hubris.

Hey, I was wrong.

I've changed my mind.

Really?

You need to share this with the mothers of the world.

So if you could talk to her and maybe pump her up a little bit.

How exactly do you see me broaching this subject with her?

Andre mentioned that there are these weights that women use...

Why would I do this for you?

Because I'm your friend and you want me to be happy.

Not that bad.

Well, if you don't, she might just happen to be at my apartment and see a video post of Ellie's mother swearing like a truck driver, and I might encourage her to hold a special parent-teacher conference on Sunday morning.

I do the final tweaks to my lineup on Sunday morning...

Oh, I forgot about that.

We should probably make the deal then, shouldn't we?

God, you're an asshole.

It is decided.

You...

It is decided.

You...

It is decided.

You are no gentleman.

And neither are you.

Oh, Christmas gift from Andre.

From the federline collection.

Jesus, Andre.

Oh, hey, Ruxin.

Where are you coming from?

Same way I always get in... garage.

What do you want?

I want to know if you received my valuables.

I don't know what you're talking about.

My eggs... my year-old eggs?

Those are your stinky eggs?

Yeah. I'm making thousand-year-old eggs.

Only 999 years to go.

I'm going to pass them down to my children and my children's children.

As curious as I am to see what kind of spawn you're weed-soured nuts can create, this has nothing to do with me.

Yes, it does.

I sent you my valuables 'cause you are my lawyer.

Nahh, I'm not your lawyer, and you don't send your valuables to a lawyer, you send them to a bank.

In this case, you should send your valuables to a trash can.

You didn't throw them out, did you?

No, because like any good lawyer, I keep incriminating evidence.

They're behind the shed.

But I honestly thought that Kevin sent them to me to stink up my house and screw with my head before the playoffs.

No, they got you a wine-of-the-month club.

It's really nice.

What'd you give them?

I gave them a huge mistake.

Jackpot.

It's nobody's birthday, Uncle Ruxin.

Ellie, Ellie, no, no, no.

What did I tell you?

We don't... it's heavy!

It's a Wii!

It's a Wii! It's a Wii!

I don't know if it's a Wii.

We'll have to wait and find out.

We don't want to upset Kegel the elf, now do we?

I'll go get myself a gingerbread cookie.

No more cookies.

You don't need any more sugar.

Pipe down.

Look at this... talking trash already, just like her mother.


Oh, hey, brother.

Look who it is.

What are you, uh, what are you doing here?

I have an invitation for you.

Bro.

For a birthday party.

For...?

Your eggs.

Yeah. They're turning one.

Well, gee, look at that.

It's at my house.

Yeah, this is a great party house.

By the way, should I give you a list of snacks, or are you just going to freestyle it?

No, we're not having a party, at this house, for your eggs.

Trust me, you're going to change your mind when you see these eggs.

What?

Check it out.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wow, huh?

They smell like horse sh1t.

Get them out of our house, now!

I'll put them in thew fridge, they'll--

Take them home with you I'm just gonna put them in the fridge.

Ahh, don't--

Oh, great, now look, they're just gonna stink up the whole house.

Oh, my God, no no, look!

Ah, look, they didn't break.

It's an eggs-mas miracle!

There's no eggs-mas.

Oh, this party is going to get awesome.

And we're going to get hammered.

I'd rather drink alone.

Lindesy, Dr. Andre Nuzik.

Hi Hi.

Lindsey Martin, Ellie's first grade teacher.

So, Dr. Nuzik over here, is a very succesful plastic surgeon.

And he also specializes in a very specific... nee-ch... you talk about it.

Well, I am a... a doctor who specializes in vaginal strengthening and conditioning.

Oh, were you Jenny's trainer?

No.

Yes.

Maybe a little.

A lot. I mean she's flacked off now I mean, yeah, now I don't know what it's like, but when we were working together, it was... rock solid.

All right.

I mean, her kid came out big.

That is beside the point.

I think this is great that you guys are sitting together at my table.

It's like, you know, v*g1n* fate.

Lindsay just had a baby ten months ago.

She has a little baby boy.

Oh my God.

Love of my life.

I don't know, maybe you should set up a session with him.

He's great.

Oh, I would have loved to actually, but I already have a doctor.

Really?

Who's your doctor?

I train with Stu Beagle.

Stu Beagle.

Have you heard of Stu Beagle?

Don't go into business with Stu Beagle, that's what I always say.

Hmm.

Not somebody you would want to open a wine bar with.

I'm speeding through his program.

Really?

So you have all your strength back?

Stronger than I have ever been, yeah.

That's so great.

He's fantastic.

Awesome.

So, you, um, you won't share any of this with Pete, right?

Oh, with Pete? No.

Okay great. Well...

Thanks for coming.

Of course I'm not going to tell Pete.

Too fun to let him find that out on his own... ca-cha!

Goddamn Stu Beagle.

I lost my shirt in that wine bar.

Hello?

Hi... Ellie.

Uncle Ruxin?

Are you an elf on the shelf?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm an elf on the shelf.

Just like Kegel?

Just like... Kegel.

Hey, where's the Christmas tree?

Okay, where are the presents, Ellie?

My daddy hid them.

But I know where they are.

Just tell me where the presents are.

I'm an elf.

I'm Santa's wartime consigliere.

How do I know you're not lying?

Do I look like a liar?

You look like a great, big, dirty liar.

I think that might be anti-semitism, but I'm willing to overlook it right now.

Look, I will make it worth your while.

What do you mean?

I mean I'll give you a crap ton of presents.

What would you like?

A pony.

Done.

A family of wolves.

Easy-capeezie.

And, how about this?

A rose garden shaped like a puppy that you can only see from a private plane, that who's piloting?

Wuh-oh! Ellie is.

All right, you got me on that one.

All right.

So where did daddy keep the presents?

They're in the attic.

So you go grab them for me.

Here's the one I want.

It's red wrapping with a green ribbon around it.

That's a jackpot one.

While you're up there, I'm going to call my wolf guy.

Okay.

Hi-ya.

Good work.

You're a funny elf.

Yeah.

Kid's dumber than her parents.

I got it!

Mm, good work, Ellie.

Thank you.

Now I wonder if we can have a real quick chat, elf-to-man.

Kegel and I have been talking. and word on the street is that you've been a little bit of a dick recently.

Me?

Yeah. A real dick.

I don't want to be a dick.

Well, then maybe you should just man up and behave.

I'll man up.

Okay.

Good talk.

Ellie?

Police! Hide!

No, give me the goddamn present.

You down here, honey?

What are you doing?

sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t.

Aw!

Chicken-milk stink bomb!

I'm forever unclean!

How is it?

Oh, incredible.

It is? It's good?

You have nothing to worry about.

You are, mm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

She's amazing.

Wow, she's amazing.

Mm, you like that?

I love that; Oh, my God.

You like that?

How about that?

Oh, it's good. Um...

It's good?

You know why?

I've been working out.

Yeah, you have been working out, yes.

I can tell.

You've got quite a grip.

You like that?

Yeah, it's...

Do you think I'm strong?

Yeah, you're strong.

You think I strong?

Oh, you're crushing it.

All right, yeah...

Oh, I'm crushing it?

You're crushing it.

I'm crushing it?

Miss Martin, you're crushing...!

Crushing?

You're crushing it!

I... crushed it!

Ow!

I did it; I won.

You won.

You took a dog and you brought it to the top.

I am going to the Shiva bowl, and, baby, you are coming with me.

I'm so close I can taste it.

You guys are so obsessed with who won and who lost. I mean, I'm not into Shiva bowl, but I'm actually enjoying the life bowl, right now.

And you're losing at the life bowl as well.

The jury is still out on that, my friend.

Hello.

Yeh, uh-huh.

What is wrong with you?

Hey, hop-along.

Uh-huh, you happy?

Yes, I'm thrilled.

Yeah, this is what happens, you get to win when you have a few hours to set your lineup.

Unlike me, who spent the last three hours in the hospital having his cock realigned.

She dislocated your unit?

Yeah, remember that scene from Leathal Weapon where he throws his shoulder out and he's slamming it against the wall to get it back in?

Yeah.

This hurt a lot worse, and I can assure you.

That goddamn yoked up v*g1n* that you sicked on me threw me around the bed like a rag doll.

I thought that's what you wanted.

No, I wanted firm, not terminator.

You could still try and lose like a gentelman.

Oh, I'm sorry, if I could walk maybe I'll--

It is decided.

This is decided.

This is low.

Go to the Shiva!

Low, even for you this is low.

How did the doctors even find your tiny cock?

You know, they couldn't even identify it.

It looked like a goddamn Joshua tree.

Pete, you lost.

You stink.

You stink, Ruxin.

We can smell you through the glass.

You literally stink.

I'm airing myself out.

We're good to go.

Let me in.

Go to a homeless shelter.

I can't go to a homeless shelter.

They don't have directv there!

Duh!

Come on, what's the score?

You're up by a point, but you have no players left and I have Akers.

And Philly's within field goal range.

That's what's going on.

I'm going to the goddamn Shiva bowl! d Eggs-mas is my favorite time of the year. d Great song, Taco.

Guys, in order to celebrate the eggs-mas miracle that happened in this very house only a few days ago, I'm setting up an egg nativity scene on the front lawn.

It'll be open to the public in just a few minutes.

Donations are very welcome.

All proceeds go towards my gas bill.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, Ruxin! Merry eggs-mas!

I need to talk to you, you stupid fruit fly. d Eggs-mas is my favorite time of the year. d Oh my God, they're lining up.

Don't call a time-out.

I hate when they call time-outs. d Eggs instead of Jesus. d Taco.

Ugh, what's that smell?

That is not eggs.

It's a chicken-milk stink bomb.

This is all your fault.

You and your stupid, filthy stink eggs.

No, no, these eggs are holy.

Uh-uh.

A pox on you and a pox on those filthy stink eggs.

Ruxin, he's lining up for the kick.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

And please make him stop stinking so much.

Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Eh.

Let it happen.

Oh, God, we're one gimmie field goal away from a all McArthur Shiva bowl.

Do not jinx him.

Jenny, there's no jinxing.

You got a top-five kicker for a 37 yarder with no wind and... silence!

Shh, here we go, snap is good, go to the top, looks good.

Posed.

Posed?

Okay, I know you're upset right now, but next week you're gonna be so relaxed.

sh1t!

I won!

It's an eggs-mas miracle.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh this miracle smells like poo.

sh1t!

Did you lose?

You shut your mouth.

Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win.

This was the year.

(Bleep)!

(Bleep), (Bleep), (Bleep)!

Bullshit!

I babysit you morons!

I babysit you!

"Oh, help me out.

Do this, move that guy around!

I don't know how to set a lineup!"

(Bleep) You!

(Bleep) You, Taco!

(Bleep) You, Ruxin!

Stupid wise men!

Stupid eggs!

My eggs!

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Daddy, stop!

Kegel's watching you.

He's going to report to Santa.

Look me in the eye, Ellie.

There is no Kegel.

And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter bunny!

There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!

Nothing......

I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

This is a message for Pete, the crown prince of douche-cockery.

I'm here to let you know that, this week, I am going to obliterate you.

I am going to take my metaphorical dick and I'm going to shove it so far up your metaphorical v*g1n*.

And then I'm going to take a go at your very real asshole.

I'm super-excited about it, so have a great week, jackass.

Now we know where Ellie gets it from.

Frankly, I was surprised, my money was on you.