02x13 - The Sacko Bowl

No matter who you end up with, I will still love you.

Oh, Dre, Dre.

Dre, Dre, Dre.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough.

Just don't want to let him go.

Let it go. Let it go.

I don't like calling this "The Dre."

This is "The Shiva," okay?

It is "The Dre."

Whatever you call it, just know that in one week's time, it will not be yours.

It will be mine, and I will tear it down like a statue of Saddam Hussein..

Destroy it... - Hold on, buddy, because you haven't won it yet.

And yes, it is a total teardown, but I have amazing plans to build it back up.

A total tear down?

N... no, this is a work of art.

Ok, enough, it's time for our offerings to "The Shi-Dre".

Ok, good.

And I think we should start with the Shivable contestants and I think, ladies before dickheads.

What if they're both?

What you gonna do.

That's nice, ladies before dickheads. Go ahead.

Shi-Dre, your hemorrhoid donut...

Ohhh! that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's back fields, Hm-hm, huh-huh-huh.

May you sit comfortable for all the rest of your years...

Next, as an ode to your terrible fashion sense Dre and Andre, I offer you the hat... that you gave to me for Christmas.

I wanted that.

Ok, well, you know what? Forgive me but I think that hat is pretty pimpin'.

Need I say more..

Alright guys, I gotta admit I don't have an offering for The Dre, What I do have is a little gift for the previous owner of The Dre.

Very thoughtful, Pete.

So here's something to commemorate the fact that you're probably gonna be in last place and you suck.

No, no, no, I don't want that.

Why did you bring the Sacko in my house?

Because I wanted to introduce him to his new home where he's gonna be spending the year next year after you lose in the Sacko Bowl.

I'm not gonna lose in the Sacko Bowl.

I'm playing Taco.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You're going down, Dr. No Dick.

I'm gonna be sitting on that waiver wire.

I'm gonna be studying the match-ups and picking up free agents.

I'm gonna burn your nipples, bitch.

Well done, Taco. Nicely done!

Who are you? Who are you?

Since when do you care about fantasy football?

I just feel like caring right now.

You are doing so good.

Good job.

But you know what?

It is my last week with The Dre, and I'm gonna cherish every single moment with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I will be in my bedroom.

Oh...

This sucks.

Look, at least you got Jenny this year, all right?

I mean, the girl is incredible.

What is this?

You're not happy for your wife?

She's in the league for the first year and she brings the team to the Shiva Bowl?

I've been doing this thing for six years; I've never been to the Shiva Bowl.

And what if she wins this thing?

I gotta stare at a trophy that I've never won for an entire year.

Holy sh1t.

It's gonna say "Lady McArthurs" at the bottom of it.

I hate fantasy football.

And it's the only thing I ever really loved.

Wow, you're out to sea, man.

Oh, I love fantasy football.

And I love being a future champion.

Jesus.

Only question I have, at the flex, do I play Donald Brown or Stevie Breaston?

No. No, no, no.

Enough.

Enough with the questions.

We're not giving you advice.

No!

You know what? You're right.

Hey, barkeep, do I play Donald Brown or Stevie Breaston?

Look, look, he's the census taker.

He's polling around everyone on the planet asking 'em the same question.

Are we talking about taking a census?

I'll do one right now.

Male? Check.

Champion? Check.

Anyone else residing in your home?

Uh, yes, an amazing wife.

We had s*x this morning, then she cooked me breakfast.

And now she's gonna take care of my kid all day. How's Jenny?

What's she focused on these days?

Bye!

Smartass Kermit.

So miserable.

Look at him over there, look at that guy.

What is he doing over there, by the way?

He's asking these guys about Breaston versus Brown.

He still wants to know, he's polling them.

Now he's saying that he is the commissioner of this leak.

What an asshole.

How can you hear this, you have dog ears?

I'm reading his lips.

Oh, oh, you're reading lips now.

I'm sorry, when did I miss this?

Look, it's been a very rough fall for me, all right?

Jenny's been spending most of her time on the computer trying to win the Shiva, so we haven't exactly heated it up in the boudoir, so I've been having to take care of myself in the shower.

You're not the first man to m*st*rb*t* in the shower.

I understand.

Why are you reading lips?

Well, I have this phone that I just downloaded all this filth on, and I bring it into the shower and I turn the sound off, so I don't get caught.

Still don't understand why you have to read lips.

'Cause if I don't know the story, I can't keep it up.

I'm a very verbally-stimulated person.

I need to know, like how good she needs it, why he's delivering that pizza there.

Plot points.

Wow. That's all I'm gonna say for now.

I want to show you something outside.

You're going to like this.

Come on, get your coat.

Is the nature of our relationship about to change?

No. Come on. Get your coat.

All right, check it out.

New car.

Don't touch the cop car, all right?

You get in trouble for that.

It's not a cop car.

It's my car. I bought it.

This is not your car.

This is a police officer's car.

No, it's not.

It's a Crown Vic.

It's a normal car.

A what?

A Crown Vic.

Crown Vic?

I thought they were just called cop cars.

I didn't even know it had a name.

Yes, sometimes they're used as cop cars.

You bought this car?

Yeah, I got a great deal on it.

Well, did it come with a mustache and a bad attitude?

Very funny.

Well, did you at least get two divorces and a softball team?

Not a cop car. Normal car.

Oh, hey, Cagney and Lacey.

How you guys doing?

You guys off to solve crimes in pleated slacks and lady Rockports?

I think that starting Lee Evans against Darrelle Revis is a huge, huge mistake.

I disagree.

No, I'm just telling you.

This team did well for me last week.

It's going to do well for me this week.

You have to consider the match-ups.

I understand your argument, except I am in the Shiva Bowl, and you are not, so maybe there is something to my theory of not tinkering with your team.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

This is going to be the team that I go into the Shiva Bowl with.

Fine, I'm going to take a shower.

Why-Why are you slowing down?

You're driving under the speed limit.

What is your problem?

Come on.

Go!

All right, this is ridiculous.

Oh, you, too?

Really? I'm not a cop!

Okay, it's a Crown Victoria!

Jesus Christ, people.

No, don't pull...

I'm not a cop, all right?

I don't have a mustache.

I don't wear polyester pants, and I've only been divorced once.

35 miles an hour.

35 miles an hour.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to actually drive the speed limit?

Have you done this before?

No. Never.

It took me 30 extra minutes to get home from work.

I'm thinking about going the other way.

Why not just embrace it?

I'll get a siren.

I'll get a uniform..

Good idea, impersonating a cop, I like that.

That would actually be a step up for you professionally.

By the way, guys, hide all your weed.

There's a cop car out back.

Not...

Can I have a Bud Lite, please?

Oh, there he is.

What's up, meat?

You ready for this weekend, huh?

You're going down.

I'm going to win the Sacko and I'm going to win your apartment.

My apartment is not part of the deal.

That's what I was told.

It is.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not.

That was part of the bet.

Did any of you guys get food poisoning from that food at my house the other day?

No.

No. Why?

I've been puking my guts up the last two days.

I brought a bunch of leftovers home; I've been eating nothing but that, and I'm fine.

Sucks.

I just can't catch a break.

I mean this entire fall has been total sh1t for me.

Started in Vegas. Right?

Then I started losing all those games.

My trade with Taco, which was a total disaster.

Yeah! - And now, I'm out of the Shiva and in the Sacko.

Andre, you got a flat tire.

Great, great.

You see what's happening here?

Shiva is punishing you.

Shiva is not punishing me.

No no no no.

The trophy formerly known as Shiva.

You mean The Dre.

That's the problem.

You've been worshiping false idols, Andre.

And nothing is falser than you.

You're cursed.

I'm not cursed.

No, I am not.

I think you have the DRAIDS.

You've got DRAIDS.

I don't have DRAIDS.

Ooh, you've got DRAIDS.

I think you might.

I don't have DRAIDS.

You know what? Full blown DRAIDS.

I got the championships coming up, I do not want to anger Shiva any more. I'm outta here.

But wait... - Yeah, you know what?

I got the game on the line, too. Kevin, let's get out of here.

I'm not contagious.

Oh, Jenny, may the best man win this week.

Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.

I don't remember it that way.

Really?

Really.

Hmm. - All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now?

You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin.

I cannot wait to obliterate you.

And you are going to lose, you're going to go home, and you are just going to savage your pud.

Very classy.

Ah, thank you.

You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.

I am a great wife.

Oh, yeah, because every great wife completely emasculates her husband.

For shame, Jenny.

Babe, you ready to go?

Get back in the car, Kevin.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay.

You guys aren't seriously leaving, are you?

Ugh! DRAIDS!

What?

Stay away.

You know, he just tried to kiss my ass.

Oh, you just wait till this weekend; I'm gonna get all up in that ass.

Oh, come on.

Ruxin, it is Andre.

This is my 14th message I'm leaving for you.

Call me back!

It's not a real curse.

I don't have DRAIDS.

All right, and if I did, this is not the way you should treat someone with DRAIDS.

By the way, if you're the one who sent me that quilt, you're an asshole.

Boom! Murder!

Can I get the knife now?

Is that cool?

When are we gonna fight with the knife?

Ugh! Bam! Bam!

Oh! sh1t!

Get out of here.

What are you doing here, man?

Look at you!

Hey. Oh, you're so gross.

Look at you. You look great.

How are you, buddy?

I'm good.

How are you doing, Raffi?

Fighting girls, man.

Okay.

Most of the people I get in fights with, to be honest with you, are women.

Really?

So, uh, I'm kind of learning the defenses, uh, weak spots.

I bet.

It's erotic.

Yeah. Oh.

How are the guys?

How's Brian?

Kevin's good. Kevin's good.

Yeah. Tall guy?

Pete's, uh, actually, uh, currently pretending to be a cop.

Oh, man, I did that for a while.

Ooh.

Really? What...?

Yeah. After September 11.

Should have known.

Put a cop's uniform on.

Got crazy pussy.

Really?

Yeah. I never forget.

Uh, now I'm just, like, learning to fight girls, crushing in my league.

Yeah, I heard you were doing really well in your league.

Are you kidding, dude?

I'm in the championships right now.

I heard that. Yeah.

It's amazing.

I'm gonna win, and it's gonna be sweet.

What's the trophy for you guys?

Oh, we don't have a trophy.

What do you guys win?

Uh, the winner gets to punch the loser in the face as hard as he can.

Is everybody playing by that rule?

Yeah.

It's a dominance league.

All right, look, I actually came 'cause I bizarrely want your advice on something.

I can tell something's bothering you.

Yeah, well, I got a quantry.

Don't know what that means.

Okay.

The problem is I don't know who to play.

I got Donald Brown, Stevie Breaston for the flex, you know?

And I ask one guy...he tells me one thing; I talk to another guy... he tells me another thing.

It's, like, Donald Brown or Stevie Breaston.

I just feel like I'm getting more and more confused.

Whoa, dude.

You're way overthinking this.

You got to stop using this, start using what's in here and what's in here.

You got to just jerk it out.

Okay, I'm not doing that, all right?

Dude, if you don't jerk the answer out...

I just need to think about it and figure it out.

Hey! Thinking is pointless, like motorcycle helmets.

Motorcycle helmets are pointless?

There is no medical proof that motorcycle helmets save lives.

How many friends have you lost in motorcycle accidents?

Nine..

Okay.

But not one of them was to a massive head trauma.

All of them died from massive spine trauma.

The answer... - Mm-hmm.

...is inside your body.

You got to get it out.

I'm gonna take you to the brink, bro.

You ready?

No.

Oh, God! Oh! Aah! Aah!

Come on.

What are you doing?

I don't know what the technical term is, but Dirty Randy calls it the stuffed pepper.

Do you feel it?

All I feel is your sack against my shoulder.

You're welcome, bro.

You got to stop thinking now, bro.

I'm gonna stop breathing in a second.

Good. That's the point.

Donald Brown.

Nice work, buddy.

Good workout.

Were you hard?

Yeah.

The concept of extinguishing a human life really gets me aroused.

Jesus, Raffi.

It's called a murder boner.

Oh, God.


These sandwiches are awesome.

Mm. I know.

They're great, right?

Mm.

Best part is, I got 'em for free from the sub shop down the street.

Huge supporters of the Chicago P.D.

You're a cop?

Taco, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a cop.

They just think I'm a cop.

Okay, 'cause you can't arrest me.

You gave me a sandwich.

This is entrapment.

I'm not going to arrest you.

Check this out. Watch this.

Miss?

Can you come here for a second, please?

So, I'm not sure you're aware, but jaywalking is illegal in the city of Chicago.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer.

I-I didn't even know... Okay.

Let me see your license, please.

I just moved here.

Okay.

Oh. Calleigh. From Texas.

Yeah.

All right.

I assume this is not your current address, then.

Actually, no.

I'm staying at one of my friend's.

Well, is there a good place that, uh, that I could contact you?

I work at the coffee shop down the street.

You-You could find me there.

Okay, good.

Am I gonna get a ticket, Officer?

I'm gonna go ahead and let you off this time, all right?

Oh, thank you so much.

No problem.

But I got my eye on you, alright?

Okay.

And maybe I'll stop by the coffee shop.

Okay, awesome. - Alright.

Bye. - Take care.

I gotta get one of these cars.

You know, I don't really think you're force material, Taco.

Hey, Jenny, what's going on?

I have a quick question for you: where is that sausage place that Kevin loves?

I'm on Sazin and First and I swear it was right here.

Why are you looking for a sausage place on Sunday morning?

You should be setting your lineup.

Pete, my lineup is fine. It's set, locked, I am ready to go.

Don't get cocky.

Look, I know I haven't been the best wife lately, and I feel really bad for Kevin.

So I thought I would do something very nice and very wifey today.

Really?

Like... let Kevin help you with your lineup?

I said I was gonna do something nice, not something stupid.

My lineup is set.

Alright, look, that place you're looking for, just go two blocks east.

You're almost there.

And by the way, please destroy Ruxin for us this weekend.

I got it in the bag.

I hope you're right.

Get it done, lady.

Well, would you look at you?

Hello.

Can I help you find anything?

Oh, uh, no, thanks.

I'm just browsing.

Okay.

Actually, what is the largest trophy that you make?

Jenny.

Aah!

Hey.

Andre.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just... I was in the neighbor...

Dr. Nowzik, I, uh, have your replica here.

It's made to the exact same specifications as your last trophy.

It's a complete match.

I got, I got it.

You made another Dre?

I'm, I'm gonna miss it.

You're cursed.

I'm not cursed.

And now I am cursed.

Oh!

You gave me DRAIDS.

Yeah, probably.

Want to get some lunch?

No.

I shouldn't, I really...

No, I have to, that's it.

It's about the match-ups.

It's, it's practical.

Babe, you cannot start Steve Johnson against Darrelle Revis and the Jets.

He's going to get blanketed.

That's why I'm moving Steve Johnson to the bench and moving to starting wide receiver Percy Hoven.

You're welcome, baby.

I just won you the Shiva Bowl.

Now, off to the showers.

Everybody needs to get a report.

♪ Rock and roll with my Johnson. ♪

Whoa, hey!

I have DRAIDS.

What?

Oh, ugh, Kevin.

What?

You have betrayed my trust.

Babe, it's just a little bit of p0rn.

No one ever... - I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower.

Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.

Babe, I-I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole McArthur team.

I mean... this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.

Are those our sandwich bags?

Yeah.

They work so good.

My whole life is cursed.

Is it weird if I finish?

Maybe it's just a bad dream, you know?

It's not fair.

♪ Shivakamini Somakandarkram Shiva...♪

Suck it!

Babe, I am so sorry that I tinkered with your lineup.

I should never have done that.

You know what?

No, it was my fault.

I am the one who walked into that DRAIDS-infected trophy shop, and I got the curse.

I let my fantasy hubris get the best of me, and now it's over.

And I'm sorry you caught me cranking one out in the shower.

What... hold on.

You don't apologize for that.

I'm also sorry for jerking off in your shower.

Oh, my...

In our shower?

You should apologize.

There are so many people that I need to thank.

All of them happen to be named Ruxin, but I didn't just appear here.

The beautiful flower that you see before you needed sunlight, needed soil, but most of all it needed manure, and that's where you sh1t people came in, and as your leader I love you as I will love all of my subjects.

'Cause you're sh1t people.

But you're my sh1t people.

Beat you!

Ah.

Well...

I really hate him.

Guys, guys, what about me?

Did I win?

No.

No.

So I didn't get the Sacko trophy?

No, you're going to get The Sacko.

So I won?

No, you... can you... oh, God.

You lost, Andre won, but that means you got it.

You got the trophy.

Why is Andre giving me the trophy?

No, Andre's not giving you the trophy.

So no one won?

You get The Sacko.

You, you will receive it.

Yeah, but I don't want him to just give it to me.

Hello.

Welcome to the home that is curse-free.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Ah, smell it, it's good.

Smells great in here.

So nice.

Things are great.

Oh, n-no, get that out of the house.

That has an owner, and the owner's name is Taco.

It's not.

No.

Have you checked the scores recently?

No, they were final.

No, there was a recalc, a recalculation.

What do you mean?

You have Joe Flac, and he had that touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin.

Uh-huh.

Well, they went back and looked at it, and they saw that Anquan Boldin was actually behind Joe Flac.

What does that mean?

Well, that means it wasn't a pass at all.

It was technically a handoff, therefore you don't get the six points for the touchdown, which by my calculations puts you two points down to Taco, and that score is final.

I don't understand anything he just said.

All I know is that six points from Flacco means you get The Sacko.

From Taco.

Funny. It's a joke.

I'm gonna check the scores.

Check away, my friend.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

It was final.

First to worst.

First to worst.

First to worst.

Let's get ready to Shivaaaa!

Yay!

I am the winner, of the chick pop.

Hello my little lady, you ready to have a threesome with me and my hand?

No! No, I am keeping it.

Andre just give it up.

Let me just review the stats for a couple of days...

Ok, every African dictator ever, you lost the elections, now give up power.

No.

It's mine.

Andre, give it up.

There's stuff one needs to do.

What do you want, to go to Six Flags with it? Jesus Christ! Gimme that.

Fifteen more minutes.

Andre, come on.

I'm gonna tear your goddamn head off.

Go go go. - Let's watch this sh1t.

Coming.

Give me the trophy.

My name's already on it.

No, it's mine.

Give it to me.

Andre, you've got another Dre.

It's not the same.

Holy sh1t.

That was awesome.

It's mine.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me, it's mine.

How did it go right in?

Wow, it pierced this like it did Andre's asshole.

Douche bag, this is yours?

Yeah, it's mine. I won it.

Look what you did to my car!

Okay, we are so sorry.

Let me just take this trophy out of here.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is a crime scene.

Look, here come the cops.

Seriously?

All right.

What's the situation here?

Look what they did to my car.

They did this to your car?

I want to press charges.

You want to press charges against these people?

Everyone.

You got it.

Hey, you, you, you, you, you, in the squad car.

We're going downtown.

Yes, Officer.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Stat, in the car.

You, sir, hey, in the purple Barney sweater, you're going to stay here.

You wait for the next police officer to come, okay?

Really?

Yeah.

Really, is that how it's going to be?

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

I'll go to jail, but I'm going to jail as the league champion!

Congratulations, Ruxin.

Hey, asshole, second car's coming for you, buddy.

Well, there'd better be room in there for two 'cause me and my girlfriend got a date tonight.

I got to say, being saved by Pete is the first good thing to happen to me in months, and now with The Dre destroyed, maybe the curse of the DRAIDS is over.

What about the curse of The Sacko, my friend, huh?

Damn it, I really wanted that trophy.

Free at last, free at last.

Oh, Shiva, I am free at last!

Wow.

Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?

Did he win his league?

Wow, you're feeling good, aren't you?

I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva.

But Shiva's a little naked today.

That's why I got her this.

It's already got your name on it.

That's right, it does.

Ruxin.

Suck it!

Let the unrelenting rein of Ruxin begin!

Ha-ha-ha!

Shivaaaakamini Somakandarkram Shiva!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I won the Shiva.

The Dre is dead.

Oh, my God!

Is that a solar eclipse?

Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?

Not for months.

This league is doomed.

Ruxin has won.

It is the end of days!

This is exactly how I picture it when I'm m*st*rb*t*ng, down to the fact you're all watching!

The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat!

That's the one.

Put it on, so I can finish.

Don't put it on, don't!

Look, it's not stupid.

Will Smith has the same one.