03x01 - The Lockout

Ruxin: I dominated you last year like the '85 Bears.

Pete: Oh, God.

And so I present to you... the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!

(synthesized music playing)

♪ I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500 out of trouble ♪ But now I'm here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle ♪
♪ I'm the best and you're the worst ♪
♪ And if you need any proof, this was Kevin's first ♪

Kevin: Oh, you know what?

♪ Ruxin's number one, it's true, you can't stop him ♪
♪ Meet the rest of my team Pete top, Kevin bottom ♪
♪ I'm MJD, Ruxin's first pick in the draft ♪

Holy shitballs.

♪ He went with me, and we kicked all your ass ♪
♪ Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D Keeping Ruxin winning with my five INTs ♪
♪ I'm Sidney Rice, I'm hip to the IR Won Ruxin the Shiva with my late-season charge ♪

This is his whole fantasy team.

♪ We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle ♪
♪ And now we're here to do The Shiva Bowl Shuffle ♪
♪ Ruxin's better than you, Pete, hate to burst your bubble ♪
♪ And that's why we're doing The Shiva Bowl Shuffle ♪
♪ Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Shiva Komedi Somakanakram ♪
♪ He likes fine wine and risotto with truffles ♪
♪ And now he's doing the Shiva Bowl shuffle ♪
♪ He's a league champion with George Clooney stubble ♪
♪ And we're all doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle! ♪

Andre: Good evening, my lords and ladies!

Perhaps I can interest you in a fair ditty.

Now, I play for my heart, but I don't mind a ha'penny or two.

(playing flute)

Jenny: He's really getting a lot better.

Yeah, the lessons have helped, yeah.

You made him take lessons?

I just told him his punishment was he had to play the flute.

He took the lessons on his own.

Oh, no, turn around.

Got to keep going.

Work the finish.

Do the kicks.

Ah, your horseless carriage.

Oh, that girl looks terrified.

It's definitely less creepy when you follow them onto the bus.

I'll be here all week!

The good news is you're becoming one heck of a flute player.

Uh, it is flautist, thank you very much.

And you would know, from all your years of playing the skin flute down here.

You just have to put your fingers up here now.

It's the skin flaut, though.

And when is this Sacko punishment going to actually end, all right?

You know the deal, Andre.

The day of the draft, you can shave off whatever you like.

♪ Shiva Komedi Somakanakram Shiva Komedi Somakanakram... ♪



Aw... Boo.

Now, Andre, do you see yourself more as like a rapist who does magic, or a magician who also likes to rape?

Big distinction.

Well, with me magic always comes first.

Of course. Of course.


I want the season to start so badly.

I want to shave this off.

I want to be a new man again.

Stop complaining, okay?

You're lucky we're even having a season.

This almost didn't happen.


We would have been the real losers here.

This guy would have been champion for a whole other year.

No way DeMaurice Smith and Roger Goodell would have let that happen.

Well, I am champion this year.

And I feel like it's time to step it up a notch.

I wish that I could take out the Shiva every day and show it to you pathetic, also-ran, sh1t sippers, but I can't.

What did you do to the Shiva?

I didn't touch the Shiva.

What did you do to the Dre?

I will never touch the Dre.

But I did do this.



It says "Shiva Champ."

It says "Suck it" on the side, though.


Ah, I Pretty Woman'd you.

So, with this ring, I thee wed, Shiva.


Want to touch it?

Want to smell it?

Get it out of my face, please.

Want to kiss it?


A little Shiva-lingus?

Come on, Kevin.

Find out if it tastes the same.

"One ring to rule them.

One ring to find them, and in darkness bind them."

You are Sauron.

Hell are you talking about?

Uh, Lord of the Rings?

Ever read it?

Oh, you're so alone.

Hey, what's going on?

What's Taco doing here?

I thought Taco was still on his round-the-world trip.

Taco: Hey, long time, no see.

Where did he get that?

Oh, man, I missed you so much.


Oh, hey.


What are you guys doing here?

When did you get back?

Came straight from the airport.

That's why I still have my luggage.

You traveled around the world for seven months with a glorified fanny pack?

It was easy.

Used my international Eskimo brothers network.

Can you believe these guys don't know who Sauron is?

Andre, when did you become a high school music teacher?

Oh, actually I'm a flautist.

You play the flaut?

Buck. Buck.


So you're in the Taliban now, or...

No, not anymore.

Worst April of my life.

Hey, bang-bang, what's the hang?


What's that?

When I was in Algeria, I was an actor on a soap opera.


(announcer speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

Howdy, folks.



I want you to meet my boyfriend Buck.


That's right, I'm American.

Bang-bang, what's the hang?


What are you supposed to be?

I'm an American rapper/cowboy/cautionary tale.

These are actually pretty comfortable.

Oh, Taco, a burka?


Back in the USA, we get venereal disease from our cell phones, and homeless people know karate and carry guns.

Did you have a relationship with the costar?

No, no, no, we were just having s*x.

Baba, Mama, we're in love.

Mashizzle, maslizzles.


Are you like under contract?

Are you going back?

Well, we shot two endings.

In one ending I marry Husna and in one ending I wear this weird vest with wires on it...

Oh, my God.

And I walk into a building and wake up with 40 virgins.


Spoiler alert!

Okay, "To correct bad behavior, use a low, stern voice and a foot stomp."

(deep voice): Stay.


(high-pitched): Good boy.


Good boy.

You do realize I wanted a baby though, right?

Yeah, I do realize.

I don't feel virile right now.

I'm not inspired to go into this season.

I have a very low draft drive.

You got to know that me having a baby is not going to fix that.

Okay, knocking me up doesn't make you a champion.

I, as much as I wish I could, cannot give birth to a Shiva.

You got to win it.

I can win things on my own.

You going to win this?

I can do stuff on my own.

I could eat Pop Tarts raw.

Use a plate.


We have a furry dustbuster now.

Here you go.

Go get it.

Use... a... plate.


All right, let's pick the draft order and get things things going.

Let's do it.


This is what you have prepared?

Names out of a hat?

I'm not here to entertain you guys.

This is about winning this year.

I'm streamlining the process.

Besides, this isn't a hat.

This is a... It's a cobra box that I brought back from lndia-- the country.


Are we waiting for Ruxin, or...

No, we have a quorum.

Let's get this done.

I have an appointment with Anton my barber.

All right.

The first person to pick in the 2011 draft will be... Let's get it.

It's gonna be good.



(all groaning)

Oh, man.

Come on.

So the first pick in the 2011 draft goes to...


No, no, we're not going to do...


We should do this.

This is very simple.

Okay, we just say, Hey, Ruxin, you pick, like, fifth.

And it'll be totally fine as long as one of us is drafting after him.


Oh, oh, no.

Yeah, well, that seems appropriate.


Yeah, it'll be your last Sacko punishment.

Okay, here we go.

First pick in the draft.

Goes to... (snap)

Because we haven't picked anything yet.

Ow, ow.

Taco, my finger's caught.

Are you serious?

It's kind of...

It's pinching a little bit.

Yeah, it's a cobra box.

It's a finger lock.

It's not coming...

It won't come off.


It hurts so bad when I pull hard!

Oh good, that means it's authentic.

And last but not least... we have Chuck.

All right... Mr. Chuck.

And, uh... That's that.

All right, we're good?

Everybody good?

Don't tell him anything.


Someone at the door.


I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I was getting my ring fitted.

Look at that.

Wait, what happened to your wedding ring?

Oh, today I'm besotted to to Shiva.

It's kind of an anniversary for us.

And, uh, let us now pick the draft order.

Actually, we're all set.

We already picked it.

You already picked the draft order?


Without your reigning champion here?

We had a quorum, so... A quorum?


And what-what pick did I get in the draft?

You did okay.

You ended up fifth.


I got fourth, you got fifth, he got sixth.

I hate it.

I'm behind you. Man.

All right, great, so I got fifth pick in the draft?


Great. All right, cool.

Oh, wait, hold on!

This is bullshit.

The fix is in.

Here it comes.

I think what happened is, you decided to start without me.

Then you picked my name out of the hat first, and you thought, let's start over.

But to make it seem natural, we'll put him, like, fifth, and we'll stick a patsy like Andre behind him at sixth...

Take your hand off his leg.

After that, we'll let Pete take the lead, 'cause he's a liar.

Jenny can back him up, 'cause she's a sociopath.

And then we'll let the other three lemmings keep their act together as long as they can without exploding with the shame of diarrhea that is currently soaking their pants.

We did not cheat.

Kevin, did you guys cheat?

We did not cheat.


We didn't lie to you, man.

Why don't you put the guns away, anorexic David Crosby.

Let me be very clear about something.

If I find out that you are lying, and I will, I swear on Shiva that this whole season will be suspect.

Unless I win.

So pile into your clown car of lies, 'cause you're all going down.

(imitates car horn): Lies, lies.

(humming circus music)

Wow, he just figured out the whole damn thing from beginning to end like he was in the room.

Let's just bring him back.

Let's just pick again.

Kevin, no.

That admits that we were lying.

We're too deep, man.

Andre, it's Ruxin.

We'll laugh about it.

He'll appreciate the fact that we tried to tell him that the truth... Quiet! Hm?

Yeah, yeah.

Here's the deal.

We can never say a word of this to Ruxin.

Never ever.

Let's make it official.

Blood oath.

Kevin, give me your pen1s.




So, uh, I saw what you were doing out there.


You're using the dog training book on your husband.


Yeah, right.

Maybe a little bit.

I've been training him for years, all right?

I just use a different method.

(pen clicking)


Hey, Kevin.


Would you grab me a beer please?

Yeah, what am I, like, Mr.

Belvedere or something?

Get your own beer.

(pen clicking)

What-what-what do you want?

A Bud Lite, please.

Oh, well, I don't know if I have one, but I'll check.

How long has this been going on?

Oh, since college.

Well, it stops now.

Do you hear me?

There's one alpha dog here.

It's me.

There you go.

Thank you so much, man.

Appreciate it.

What are we doing in a public library?

I got a plan to cheer you up.

And that is at Andre's expense.

Rafi: Oh, sh1t!

What's up, jerks?

(groans): Oh...

My esteemed colleague.

I am day drunk.

Get ready to see my dick.


Lookin' good, tall guy.

Up top.

(goofy beeping sound)

How's your child bride, Rafi?

Oh, deported.

Turns out you can't keep a 14-year-old you married in Mexico, even if you bought her fair and square and have the receipt.

I-I can't...

What are we doing here?

I don't want to... Look, guys, Rafi is going to help us with the final Sacko punishment for Andre.

We're going to banish Andre from his loft, and while he's gone...

Shoot a porno in his place.

We're not making a porno with Rafi.

We're not making a porno at all.

No, no, no, no, we aren't making any porno.

We're going to leave that to the professionals.

Yeah, me and Dirty Randy.

That dude who looks like an illiterate Wolverine?


Randy, get over here.

Hey. Yeah.

Look at this-- sweet pukas, man.

Look at these sexy dudes.

Hey, how's it going?

Welcome to the office.

So Dirty Randy is a librarian?

Mostly for the infrastructure.

This is where you really find people at the end of their rope.

Desperate people, weak people.

And I pay them in drugs and alcohol and they, uh, you know, they're my production team.

That's classy.

These are the two, right?

Those are the guys.

Now here's what I'm going to say.

I think your dicks are good...

Excuse me?

...but I don't like working with couples.

We're not... We're not a couple.

We don't... You're not a...

Well, it doesn't matter if you're on a break or what.

Like, if you guys have had s*x a lot before, which you clearly have, it's just, there's no chemistry.

If you think it's weird now, wait till I film you guys banging each other in the ass.

You, though, I'd film the sh1t out of you.

I thought you were in locations.

I was a homeless person for along time.

Long time.

Kicked out of the military.

Crack dealer.

p0rn location scout.


Did you guys make Shitler's List?

Oh, wow, you've seen it.

You know what's amazing is, at the time it was actually, like, a controversial choice to make it in black and white.

But, you know, cum is so white, the cocks we were using were so black that they just really complimented each other.

It's pretty unbelievable.

Should we start talking shop?

Let's do this, let's talk turkey.

Okay, this is going to be really simple.

We will come to Andre's loft, we'll do our draft, then we'll vacate the premises and you guys come in, do your thing.

Wait, what?

Where are you going?

Why are you going to leave?

We don't want to watch.

Of course, you want to watch.

Why wouldn't you want to to watch?

You don't want to see s*x?

That's sick.

Yeah, I like s*x.

I like sausage, too, but I don't want to watch that get made.

Our only stipulation is that the lead character has to be named Dr. Andre Nowzik.

Cockter Andre No-Dick.


Hang on, how about Dr.

Andre Nose-Dick?

That's awesome!

And he's got a dick for a nose.

And he bangs girls with his nose dick.

(both grunting)

Ah... choo!

And they she goes "Gesundheit."


I guess the thing is for us, we're just not loving the puns.

The puns are as vital to the p0rn industry as they are to the pet shop industry and the child hair salon industry.

You need puns.

My Orgy at Andre's.

Done, that's it.

Look at that, look at that.

Nailed it!

How long from getting there to when you're done cleaning up is the whole process going to take?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't clean up.

No, we don't clean up.

You don't clean up after you Look, guys, what's my name?

...make the porno?

My name is Dirty Randy.

You know what I do?

I do this.


And I do this.

I do this.

You know what I don't do?


So this is okay, this, but this is where we draw the line?

We're not janitors, we're artists.

We're filmmakers.

How much cleaning up are we talking about?


A lot.


It's like a white rain of a thousend loads.

You'll basically be able to climb the walls like Spider-Man.

Guys, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to clean up.

(alarm blaring)

What's that?

Some asshole's trying to look at p0rn on the library computer.


Mr. Librarian, your Internet's broken.

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, guys.

Wait a minute.

You're Buck from Sands of Passion, right?


How do you know this guy?

He's Brian's brother.

No sh1t?!



You know what, I didn't realize you guys ran in, like, celebrity circles.

We're going to make this work, work, okay?

We'll split the cleaning costs 50-50.

We got a deal?

All right, you got a deal.


All right, now we just got to get Andre out of his apartment.

So this is it, our first draft apart.

This is your final Sacko punishment-- you are banished.

Fine. I'll take my punishment like a man. I will.

Jenny, please, tell them it's not fair.

Tell them they got to take me back-- they listen to you.

Suck it, dick cream.

You don't like it, get better.

All right, I'll leave.

What was that?

Did someone... Nothing.

No one said anything.

The meter's running-- get in the car.

Okay, all right.

Your home for the 2011 draft!

Are they really gonna shoot a p0rn in here?

Oh, yeah, and the best part is, Andre is gonna be living in the post-porno fallout for weeks without even knowing it.

The only way that happens is if we all agree to keep a secret-- can we do that?


Yes, we can.

Kevin, you can keep a secret.


So, this is the station where we'll do the entire draft.

Everyone will come over and make their own individual pick.

So, I was thinking of talking to Kevin about swapping draft picks.

No. Look, we just have to find some way to divide Kevin.

You guys talking about trading Kevin?

Both: No.

'Cause I've been doing the same thing, but on a deeper level.


Yeah, yeah, I got him high one time, and I hypnotized him.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I high-notized him.

You can't high-notize someone, Taco.

What is this?!

It's the Shiva ring!


I think I'm pretty cool.

Hey, you know what else is pretty cool?

How you guys totally screwed me on the draft order.

Tell me exactly what happened.

We didn't do anything.

We just... we picked, that was it.

You don't do morally bankrupt, while me, I swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck in a pile of coins.

But you, you're drowning in it.

(imitates car horn): Lies, lies.

Very tricky, Pete.

Very tricky.

Oh! Hi, Andre.

How's the restaurant?

What's the catch?

Andre, there's no catch.

Oh, sure. You send me to the best restaurant in Chicago, and you expect me just to draft here?


You know what? I know something's up, and you're not gonna trick me, okay?


'Cause when you dance with the devil, you get-- hello?

How's he doing?

He's freaking out.

Gentlemen, Taco, the draft will begin in a minute, but before we do, I would like to invite you all to the roof, where we will have a ceremony to celebrate the wonderful reign of Ruxin.

(goofy voice): Won't you join me?

No, I think I won't.

I'm gonna go up.

Don't do it.

I-I can't live like this.

It's one lie after another after another.

I just feel like I have to get it out.

We'll pick again and then we'll draft, all right?

No, no, Kevin, Kevin, wait!

Kevin, no! No! Kevin! Kevin!





No. No.



Ruxin... Pumpernickel.


What the hell?

He's a lightweight.

Don't worry about him.

We'll shave him later.

Okay, well, he's about to miss the most shocking draft ever.

One of you will receive this rose as the object of my affection-- oh, it's me!

Come on, Chris Harrison, let's do this.

Okay, now, a few small rule changes for the upcoming season.

(phone vibrating)

First, no calls to the house after 10:00.

No texts, either.

I want to get 'em the next morning, I'll check my e-mail.

Second, if you get a haircut and I don't say anything, it's 'cause I think you got a shitty haircut-- so just drop it.


Hi, guys. Come in.

How's it going?

Good, good.


Thanks for coming early.

We have a lot of work to do.

You have everything you need?

Yeah. Donkey, slave P. A.... hot chick... That works.

...hot chick... Oh, hello.

...Dr. Andre No-Dick.

Oh, this is perfect.

Hey, hey, hey.

We added a gap, right?


We're gonna need a hat later.

Go find the hat closet.

Now, you guys know, I know the Middle Eastern market.

Without a doubt.

We've come close.

Yeah. Buddy of ours is on SEAL Team Six, put a bullet in Bin Laden, rooting around his place finds one of our pornos.

In the hideout!

Bin Laden had it, yeah.

Yeah. Toe Bangers III.

Which is a good one.

No Toe Left Behind.

That's huge publicity.

Nope. Government won't release any of the footage.

None of the titles.

All that publicity just essentially wasted, flushed down the toilet!

Don't invite me to join Linkedln.

It just reeks of dudes with cell phone holsters.


What hap... Where am I?

Nothing happened.

You're fine.

Do we all agree to these changes?

Others: Yeah. Sure.

Say "aye."

Others: Aye. I...'m bored.

Okay. L...et's go draft!

Thank you. God!

Jesus Christ, it's about time.

Open it.

Uh, it's... it's locked.

Last looks, final touches.

We're ready?

Lock it up!

My Orgy at Andre's, take one.

And... action.

I'm so tired from such a long day of terrible doctoring.

Hello... Dr. No-Dick.

What are you doing here in my... metrosexual loft?

Nice furniture, by the way.

Thank you.

I was overcharged by a interior designer.

I was waiting for you.

Maybe I can fit you in.

Maybe I can fit you in.




Guys, we may want to get downstairs, 'cause the computer starts drafting at 6:00 with or without us.


If we're not there, the computer goes on auto-draft!

sh1t! Come on!

The fire escape!

Go to the fire escape!

Time to start.

Okay, here we go, boys.

Okay, I'm moving in, I'm moving in.

You want a carrot?


Aren't craft services the best?

(indistinct, excited chatter)

No auto-draft!

Now yell: "I have no dick."

I have no dick.

I don't feel a damn thing, Dr.


Oh, yeah!

You're nailing this.

You are nailing this!

It's locked, too.

Give it to her, No-Dick.

You guys, we're locked out.

Look, the draft is starting!

Let us in, you guys!

This is not happening!

We're locked out of our own draft?

It's so fast!

It's like playing chess with one of those guys in the park.

It's so quick.

Let us in!

Hey! We're rolling.

Shut your fat face-hole!

Hey! Open the door!

I can't.

Raffi, what the hell?

Come on!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

You guys are getting me in trouble with Dirty Randy!

He's really upset right now.

We're shooting a porno!

Yeah! (gasping, panting)

My team sucks!

Let us in!

This is great!

When did this become an expert league?

That's good, that's good, that's good.

Is Plaxico Burress still in jail?

Anyone know?

Donald Driver? Too early!

I get a kicker! Perfect!

You have two kickers?

I don't even have one!

I knew it was kicker year.

Raffi, how am I doing on my shots?

You need a reverse master, then you need a close-up of his asshole.

You know, I've been watching football my whole life-- I dot even know who this person is.

No! I wanted Mike Williams, Tampa Bay!

Tampa Bay!

Great. And I did need another defense.

Thank you!

The Browns' defense?

I wanted that!

Tell me what you think about my hair.

You have hair! It rocks!

(grunting): Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

(others groaning)


This is the orgy at Andre's!

Get in there, girl!

Let's do this!

Ooh... lordy!

Dr. Andre No-Dick is scrubbed in and ready to perform his examination.

Wait, wait, wait, Ruxin-- is that your ring?

No... oh... No, don't...

(others shouting)


He's doing a lot more than kissing that ring.

That's what I call Shiva-lingus.

Bang, bang, what's the hang?

Oh, Shiva ring, forever unclean!

Ew! What'd you eat, girl?

This p0rn is disgusting, you guys!

Is this what you like?

Others: No!