03x03 - The Au Pair

Hi, I'm Andre Nowzick.

I'm a successful plastic surgeon.

But I'm also a single human person.

Experience Andre.

(grunts)

I sweat like a man.

And I smell like... Ow!

(deep voice): I work the street like a man.

I order my steak rare like a man.

(chimp screeches)

Taco?! What are you doing?

Taco: Say, "I operate on women like a man."

I'm in surgery.

Are those boobs? Gross!

Are you eating in here?

I'm just snacking. Chip?

No. Get out of here!

Experience Andre.

Ruxin: Anyway, after this Sukkot fiasco, does not look like baby Jeffrey will be attending a Jewish preschool.

But I think I found a better solution.

I'm going to hire some live-in help.

Kevin: Wait.

You're not talking about...

Indeed, I am.

I am getting an au pair.

Pete: Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch.

I've always wanted an au pair.

I want a kid so I can have an au pair.

Even the words au pair, they just, like...

Au pair!

Son of a... don't make that face.

Au pair!

(grunts) Pair!

Ooh, hey, ooh!

Hello, champion of the dating video.

Whoo!

All due to this guy right here, Mr.

Taco.

I gotta ask.

Have you just been getting a bunch of numbers from dudes?

Guys, online dating is a perfectly acceptable way for those society has shunned to get together and ideally colonize another planet.

No, no, I'm not judging on the concept, just mortified by the execution.

Yeah, what's up with the images of the animals having s*x?

Is that...

Those were subliminal messages.

Taco, they can't be subliminal if they're on for 20 seconds.

That's just obvious.

No, obvious would be human beings having s*x, and Andre made me take those images out.

My video went viral, and the women have been coming in in droves.

Really?

Look what the cat dragged in... if the cat was into dragging in chicks.

If we're looking at photos, I got some photos of, au pair applicants.

All right.

Let's do a little...

Let's do a little photo-off here.

Let's see what we got.

See what we got.

All right, well, let's get rid of any man.

That is not the point.

Let me see.

We need someone who can cook, must be good with kids, must know how to read.

Actually, I have the same requirements, but, uh, I don't care that much about the reading.

Okay, this is the one.

Ashley R. This is my girl.

This is... Oh, my God.

She's adorable.

I'm going to go on the record and say that I think this is a bad idea.

You're inviting trouble into your house.

Temptation.

I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

Have you seen my wife?

She's crazy hot.

Yeah, super hot.

Yeah, I need Jeffrey to get used to hanging out with super hot women.

I don't want my kid going to the park and getting his dong cleaned by some uggo with a 'stache.

She's in high school.

Your au pair needs an au pair.

Oh, double au pair.

Double au pair!

Ooh, ooh!

What are we doing?

I don't know how this thing's gonna play out.

She's gonna be in the house 24/7, always around.

Jenny: Ruxin is going to hate that.

I know.

I feel bad for the girl.

She cute?

What? No.

Wow. She must be really hot.

Why, why would you say that?

Because you said, "What? No."

What?

You say that every time you lie.

What? No. No, I don't.

Please. The night you proposed, I said, "What's the bulge in your pocket?"

And you said, "What?

I've got testicular cancer."

I was trying to be romantic.

Super romantic.

Um, I need a little help from you with my lineup, whether I should play Ochocinco...

No, I can't, babe.

Why?

I have to get back to work.

Sorry.

But really quick though..

Yes?

My laptop is moving super slow.

Have you been looking at p0rn on my computer?

What? No. Ooh.

Right. Thank you.

You know what? Ask me again.

Give me, give me the question one more time. Come on.

Kevin, have you been looking at p0rn on my computer?

What? Oh, wow, wow.

See?

All: Hi!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just checking out houses in the neighborhood.

There's nothing around here you can afford.

I thought we had plans.

I never make plans with you, Andre.

Just lending you that bike pump you were asking for.

Oh, the one with my name on it that's in my garage normally?

I'm just here to check out the au pair.

I appreciate your transparency, Taco.

I also need to use your urinal.

We don't have a urinal, just a shower that you pee in.

What?

Look, you guys can all hang out here and watch the games, but that is it.

Do not blow this for me, okay?

Okay.

Fine.

Ashley: Come on, do you want to play the fishing game with me?

Cool. Got this one?

You don't want to play?

Sorry. Am I distracting you?

All: No, no.

I don't mean to.

Football's just like white noise.

You want to watch, like, MTV or something?

Oh, that'd be cool.

Mommy?

16 and Pregnant marathon.

Oh, my gosh, I love 16 and Pregnant!

My friend was on that last week.

It was really cool.

This guac is delicious, by the way.

Oh, my gosh, thank you.

Thank you.

I never made it before.

And so I just threw in, like, some asparagus, and I hope you don't mind.

That's unique.

It's delicious.

(baby fussing)

I think he's, I think he's actually happy.

Yeah, don't, don't shake him.

(laughs)

Sofia: Okay, let's go.

Sleepy time.

Yes, It's time to go.

Why don't you take him? Yeah.

Okay, okay.

No!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were having fun!

You can put him down, Sofia.

Gotta say, guys, good vibes on the au pair.

Got an A-plus in the au pair department.

Thanks, guys.

And she's pretty.

Pretty?

I think the word you're looking for is "plain."

You know, because she has those big, fat meat earlobes.

Yeah, yeah, the meat lobes.

Yeah, meat lobes.

Really pointy elbows.

Bet you if you checked her out, you'd find out she's got a big old retrograde uterus in there.

You know, my sister has a retrograde uterus.

I didn't mean...

That's why you can't get a girl.

And then you wonder why you're dating online.

That's a choice, Sofia.

Really? Retrograde uterus?

What do you want me to say?

Just something between earlobes and uterus.

You took it all!

You leave me out there like an island.

The only thing I could say was uterus after elbows over here.

Look, I know what you guys are trying to pull here.

I think you're laying on the charm a little thick.

No!

I thought it was subtle.

We're trying to, you know, help you out a little bit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me make this very clear.

Ashley's here to touch baby Jeffrey's dinger, none of yours.

I'm looking at you, Taco.

I already have two au pairs touching my dinger.

I don't need a third.

You know what?

As a favor to you, Ruxin, I am going to power down-- boof-- the charm machine.

Was that the charm machine that you just shut down?

Yeah.

Why does it have a crank on it?

'Cause, uh, you know, it's old school.

Is it steam powered?

It's hydraulics.

By the way, guys, don't touch the guacamole.

Is it gross?

It's nasty.

Oh, it looks disgusting.

Oh, shut up. Shut up.

Here we go.

San Diego's about to score.

My boy, Matthews, give me those points.

Uh, your boy, Matthews is sitting on the bench.

Norv Turner just took him out of the game.

My boy Tolbert coming out.

There we go!

And just fall into the goal.

Yes!

Oh, come on!

That's his third touchdown of the day.

Three yards? Are you kidding?

The guy is vulturing all my points.

Vulturing's the way to go, man.

Minimum effort, maximum results.

(squeals like a vulture)

Yeah, exactly.

Ryan Matthews is getting the job done.

And that guy gets all the glory.

Not fair.

Oh, you want to talk about fair, Mr.

Eight-way trade?

Oh, don't bring this up.

Payback's a bitch, huh?

You know what's fair is Jenny not being on your team anymore.

Where... why all of a sudden you're coming at me?

'Cause you suck.

She is not on my team...

You're not even...

(everyone talking at same time)

Watch this, watch this! Oh!

Hey, guys.

And congratulations. Hey.

Even if you don't win this week, you're a great guy, and you're going to have a great week next week.

Friendship is the most important thing that's ever happened to me.

I love hats with words on them.

Aw, thanks, pal.

I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

You... you don't need anything.

You know what?

More guacamole or...

The guacamole has been incredible.

We would love some more.

It did not make my stomach sick at all.

That's a first for me, so great.

I'm...I'm learning.

Okay. I'll be right back.

All right.

Great. Bye.

Bye, Ash.

What was that?

Andre, I thought you were turning off the charm machine.

I know.

It went on accidentally.

Okay. Great. Guys?

You're good?

Yeah.

Just go grab a drink.

Do you need money?

Yeah. Yeah.

No. We don't need...

No, we don't need money.

All right, just don't go crazy.

Have fun.

Not long.

I have money.

Okay.

Want to go to the strip club?

No. I'm not going...

It is nice to catch up, brother.

This is not catching up, Taco.

Catching up is when two parties have actually done something.

Yeah, that's true.

You don't do much.

You guys still doing missionary Wednesdays?

Oh, I can't believe I told you that.

Whoa. Look at the twins.

They're not twins, Taco.

Do they even look like sisters?

What's wrong with you?

Excuse me?

Whoa.

Taco, that's Matthew Berry.

Mr. Sunshine?

Matthew Berry, you dummy.

Matthew Berry, the Talented Mr. Roto.

Matt Damon's here?

Taco, Matthew Berry, the ESPN Fantasy Football expert.

I send you his podcast every week.

Don't you listen to it?

I don't listen to you.

I need to win this year.

That guy right there, he's going to help me win.

Matthew Berry is the prettiest girl in this bar, and I'm going to go hit on him.

Hello?

No, no, no, no, no.

You've been married for a while.

You don't know how to do this.

Dude, you stay here, play it cool.

Okay.

When he goes to the bathroom, follow him in there, I'll offer him some weed.

What are you... Gah, oh... What... now... Can I get a beer?

Compliments of the gentleman over there.

Oh, thanks.

Hello, you.

(laughing) Thank you.

I'm Matthew.

Hey, Matthew, big fan.

I'm, uh, Kevin.

Nice to meet you, Kevin.

Appreciate this.

Yeah. Oh, no problem at all.

My pleasure.

I'm sure you get a lot of people coming up to you all the time: "Oh, my fantasy guy does this.

" "I don't know what to do with that."

Every once in a while...

That's not me. That's not my game, all right?

If I was that guy, I'd be, like, "Oh, is LaGarrett Blount a flash in the pan?

Or is he... or, you know, the real deal?"

Actually, I don't think so.

I... I have a good Blount stat for ya.

Ah, don d even... you don't even have to bother.

I know you get it all the time, you know.

No worries.

I appreciate that.

I didn't mean to cut you off.

You said something about LaGarrett Blount.

I... I... I interrupted you.

What do I do if my defense is playing my quarterback?

I mean, how do I handle a situation like that?

Is Kevin Kalb a top-ten quarterback in... in... Well, actually...

Because I'm thinking about...


Gentlemen. Hi.

No touching. Creeps him out.

Great.

Hi.

Taco, Matthew Berry.

Taco, I'm Matthew.

So you get paid to give fantasy football advice?

Oh, my God.

I do, actually.

I'm very lucky.

You know what?

I should do that, too.

No you shouldn't.

I won my league in 2006.

Nice. Congrats.

When was your last title?

I, uh, what... what... Uh, it was... it was the year...

No, no, he never won.

I don't know why you didn't remember that.

I'm sorry. I come close so many years in a row.

No, no. He never even made it to the finals.

I don't know.

All right. Why don't you...

You okay?

That's, uh, that's tough.

You have no idea what I go through, Matthew.

They make fun of me.

They say hurtful things about me and my manhood and...

Oh, yeah, and the worst stuff behind his back.

All right. I... I... I...

I think I get it.

Listen, I'm here to help.

This is what I do for a living.

So over the season, just give me a call or an email.

Just shoot it real quick, and, uh...

No, no, no. He's fine.

You put your hand down.

Ow.

Uh, listen, I didn't want to insult you.

Yeah, no.

Uh, yeah, I'll just...

I'll hang onto this, see if...

I don't know if I'll even ever really need it.

All right. But, uh, Kevin...

Hey.

...thanks for the beer.

All right.

Taco, nice meeting you.

Yeah.

See you guys.

See you later, Matthew.

Take care.

Be good, buddy.

I know a fake business card when I see one.

Hey guys.

Hey.

Did you guys have fun down here?

Uh, you know, it's just...so boring...

...boring.

...upstairs.

Look, we've got another hour and a half on the babysitter.

Want to go?

Yeah. Sure. Follow you.

Oh, well, we met, uh...

Uh, silence, silence.

♪ Ruxin's home alone!

Ready to rock!

Crackers on the table!

♪ Some jelly, too!

Jellies and crackers!

What you gonna do with that ♪ cracker?

Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

Uhh...

♪ Sweet, salty, crunchy, too.

Sweet and salty, crunchy, too.

Sweet and salty... ♪

Mr. Ruxin?

Yeah?

Hello?

Yeah.

Mr. Ruxin, are you home?

Oh, hey.

Oh, hello, Ashley.

I didn't know you were home.

Just having a martini after a long day of defending the innocent, but don't you worry.

I always drink responsibly.

Uh-huh, so I had a great day with baby Jeffrey.

We went to the park.

He got some chocolate pudding on his face.

He's asleep now.

Normal bowel movement.

Uh-huh.

I'm just going to make a peanut butter and jelly.

We're out of jelly.

So that girl contacted you with romantic interest?

This is crazy.

I mean, these girls are legitimately cute.

Vanessa... she is hot.

This is like au pair quality.

I know.

I gotta step up my game.

I've got the perfect first date restaurant, the perfect first date outfit and the perfect first date activity.

Which is?

Rock climbing.

Wow. That's a... that's a bold choice.

Tell me a girl who's not a fan of Mission lmpossible 2.

And you look just like Tom Cruise.

Well, up there with the lack of oxygen, everyone looks like Tom Cruise.

Best part is you get her up there, you look all studly with the gear, which I researched on Google, all right?

And there's like a 65 % chance that she'll hurt herself while she's up there, and I gotta save her.

But who would save her from you?

Uh, the rope.

Hey, hey.

Check it out.

What?

Look at this.

Hold it still. I can't see.

Look at this. Boom.

Matthew... Matthew Berry?

Boom.

Check this out.

Vanessa E...

Andre, nobody cares about some cat-hoarding loner you're dealing with.

This is the ultimate hookup.

Tell me everything.

What happened?

I am at a hotel bar.

I see Matthew Berry.

So I get my nerve up.

Did you neg him?

Did I neg him?

It's disrespectful.

No! I made eye contact with him, I didn't inundate him with football, I talked about some other things.

If this was a first date, it would be the greatest first date of all time.

Oh, you took him rock climbing?

Why the hell would I take him rock climbing?

What happened when Jenny found out?

She must have freaked out.

She... Oh... When she's... she...

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You are cheating on Jenny, Kevin.

No, I'm not cheating on Jenny.

You didn't tell her.

You're cheating on your wife with Matthew Berry.

No, no. There's no cheating.

I just got a phone number, and that's all.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Kevin? This feeling in your loins right now, this is emotional cheating, and this is not acceptable.

Oh, I'm throbbing.

Hey, what I miss?

I got Matthew Berry's phone number.

What the tits?

Ruxin, big news.

I have a date with Matthew Berry.

We were trading emails back and forth, and we're going to get together for some drinks.

Can you believe this?

Why are you here?

'Cause I don't really want to tell Jenny about my date with Matthew.

So lie to her.

No way. She...

She'll read me like a book.

She knows.

So?

So I need you to teach me how to be a liar.

You don't need to whisper.

We're at a law firm.

Lying is encouraged here.

Look, I am not your guy for this.

You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete.

No, I have never been married before.

Yeah, I definitely own my own home.

No. This isn't a cold sore.

I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.

Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.

Thank you.

I am very flattered and insulted by that.

So... All right.

I have to run some errands this afternoon.

Don't hit my desk, okay?

This came over on the Mayflower.

Really? Oh, you're good.

That's what I'm talking about.

Did I get this chocolate stain on there?

Absolutely not.

I don't even eat chocolate.

So you're going to fix it for me for free?

Maybe starch the collar, too.

I don't know why I haven't been losing any weight.

I've been exercising, staying away from the bar.

I haven't eaten chocolate in, like, a month.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

We can't replace this for you.

These are little bite marks.

I mean, maybe your son was chewing on the phone.

I don't have a son.

If you must know, I work at an orphanage.

This child's parents vanished two years ago in a parasailing accident.

I can bring him in here, and you can tell him about the crushing loneliness that he's going to feel not having a parent.

Uh, no. I... I can...

I'll get you another one right away.

God, that was exhausting.

You never told the truth once.

I don't how you do it.

When you're faced with your own deception, you need to buy yourself some time.

Were you just looking at that waitress?

What?

What? Uh... You look away.

What? No.

You immediately seem guilty.

You need to look that person dead in the eyes and repeat the question.

Did I just look at that waitress?

Absolutely not.

Then you flip it on them.

But what does that say about you?

What's going on with you today?

It hasn't been the easiest day, I mean, Ellie's got a...

Oh, you just did it.

You... you flipped it around.

I didn't...

Think of tonight as a dress rehearsal for the perfect date.

Yeah, yeah.

But what is this date for exactly?

To impress her, so she'll eventually, you know, have s*x with me.

Why don't you just have s*x with her when you meet her?

You can't just have s*x with a girl when you meet her.

It's like a three-step process.

I'm picking them up.

I'm taking them out to a nice dinner.

We're going to go see some hot jazz or, you know...

Oh, yeah. Then you have s*x with her there so you don't have to go back to her place and have s*x...

No. I'm not going to have s*x with her at the jazz place.

Why? The jazz place doesn't have a bathroom?

No. It has a bathroom.

Uh, look, just engage...

I can't tell where my conversation skills are if you're not engaging with me, all right?

I... I understand that.

But why aren't you inside of me right now?

I'm not going to be inside...

Whoa. Hi.

I don't mean to interrupt.

But are you guys ready to order?

Actually, that is a great question.

That's the number one question I have tonight, which is wine. Is that too stuffy?

I have a whole wine list.

Okay.

Why don't you just order what Pete ordered?

He's doing fine.

Pete... He vultured my date.

He vultured my date.

Go get it, Pete.

Who's Pete?

He's a friend of ours who's going to have s*x with Andre's date.

What do you think about skydiving?

Hi. Vanessa E. Remember me?

No.

What are you doing here?

Well, interestingly enough, Vanessa and I have a shared interest in rock climbing.

Yeah.

But you need to be careful.

You almost fell.

Well, you saved me.

Rock climbing.

Wow, what a great first date idea.

Where'd you get that, you vulture?

You come in right when I'm about to score on the one-yard line, you vulture my date.

You're the Mike Tolbert of my life.

I will call you, Vanessa E.

Well... Yeah, not tonight.

Going to be a little late, so...

Taco, we're going!

No, no.

I'm going to stick around and date Nikki in the bathroom.

Why, yes, Matthew Berry, I can meet you whenever you like.

(screams)

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

You pulled in, like, ten minutes ago.

What are you doing?

Have you been on the phone this whole time?

Wha... Um... Have I been on the phone the whole time?

Absolutely.

With my work.

It's just an important case, but, you know, enough about me.

Hmm.

How was your day at work today?

You know what?

It was kind of miserable.

Oh.

I have these new clients, and they just have no idea what they want.

So we saw, like, 20 houses, and they were all awful, you know.

Thank you, Rux... Ruxin.

Hello?

Dr.

Andre Nowzik for two, please.

And, uh, McArthur, table for two, I believe.

What the hell?

Hello.

How did you know about this place?

Pete told me.

Pete.

He's been bogarting everything.

Look, that date in there, I want it to go really well.

So do not interfere.

Andre, I'm not going to interfere as long as you don't bogart my date with Matthew Berry.

Fine.

Fine.

(sighs)

Matthew Berry.

With Melanie B.

He's vulturing my date.

Not again.

Andre, please be cool.

For the first-- Oh, my God.

Seriously, before I got married, like, dating was such a nightmare.

Listen, I know a number of single guys...

What the hell?!

Matthew Berry, you're vulturing my date.

I'm not vulturing your date, dude.

Oh, I know what vulturing looks like, and you're vulturing.

Excuse me for a second.

Sure.

Listen, normally, I do fantasy advice, but let me give you some life advice here.

How many dates have you been on with this woman?

Like, I don't know.

Two, two and a half.

Okay, when she's asking me to set her up with guys before your third date, that's a bad sign.

She's just being, you know, cautiously optimistic.

We have different definitions of that word.

Are you pulling me from the game?

Are you pulling me from the game?

No, no, listen.

You got your shot.

You got first down, you got second down.

You really think you're getting it done on third down?

I'll get it done.

I could punch it in, right?

See, you're creeping her out.

This is the problem.

I'm not creeping her out.

I'm just-- I'm trying.

Come on, give me the ball.

Listen, it's okay, it's okay.

I'm on Twitter.

Listen, a lot of guys move the chains, and then someone else comes in and scores a touchdown.

That's okay.

We need chain movers.

This woman has been set up for another guy.

That's awesome by you.

I'm the guy!

Let me be the guy.

Come on, let me score.

Okay, now you're creeping everyone else out in the bar.

I'm not creeping everybody else out.

Everyone knows that I can score.

You don't seem...

Oh, really? I don't?

I'll convert right now.

I'll convert right now on you.

You want me to convert on you?

Listen, there's no reason to talk like that.

Oh, really? Here.

Let's let's not talk, let's fight.

(groaning)

Ow!

All right, listen.

Work on the dating, then work on the punching.

You will be dating a Chicago Bear by the end of the week.

Excuse me.

Bye, Matt.

No, no, Matthew, come back!

Come back!

Maybe we can go away for the weekend!

Oh, hey.

What are you doing up?

What the hell you doing in my house?

Just making a little tea.

For me?

No.

(groans)

Did you vulture my au pair?

Did I vulture your au pair?

Absolutely not.

I vultured baby Jeffrey's au pair.

Good night.

Eye contact?

And a half chub?

Ugh.