03x04 - Ol' Smoke Crotch

Ruxin: Mmm! Mmm!

No?

Just, let's not... No, Baby Jeffery, not...

No, no, Baby Jeffery, sorry.

Sorry.

So sorry.

(anxious laugh)

Ow... (baby laughing)

Good arm.

Hey, Ashley, it's Ruxin calling you for a third time.

Um, wondering if you are going to show up here, because I am dealing with a child who I'm paying you to deal with while Sofia's away.

Baby Jeffery, no, please stop.

Okay, uh, please call me back.

Okay? Bye.

Thank you.

Um, hey, Dom?

Quick question.

Would you watch him?

I've got to go take a number one.

No.

No, absolutely not.

Okay, um, yeah.

Baby Jeffery, everything in a public restroom is on fire.

No, you can't...

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Remember, someone walks in while you're peeing, no eye contact, okay?

Oh, God, no.

Baby Jeffery!

Don't put that in your mouth!

No, no, no.

No water cookies!

No, oh.

Baby Jeffery, forever unclean.

Oh, God, you're disgusting.

I'm going to fire that au pair.

Where was my au pair, Pete?

Pete: We were at a concert.

You know, I don't pay her to service you.

I pay her to service Baby Jeffery. because it is my duty, but I will never love him the same.

Anton: This is the best.

Kevin: This is like a thousand Christmases rubbing up against my balls.

Look, I get it.

You're with a younger woman.

To a 21-year-old, you have a good job, but, please stop putting your STD-ridden corncob in my help.

I have not once slept with your gardener.

I have dipped a couple of times into the nanny pool.

It's like he's dating Anna Nicole Smith, but clean.

And she's dating that rich Texas oil guy, but poor.

Exactly.

Do you realize what this has done to me?

I had to go to a restaurant with Baby Jeffery, and I had to hold him over my head, and I ended up peeing all over my legs.

I walked out of that restaurant looking like I had had a stroke.

Why were you holding him over your head?

That's bad parenting.

'Cause he was eating the ice cubes out of the urinal.

(all laughing, groaning)

Water cookies!

Taco: That's why you should carry a pee bib.

Excuse me?

What's a pee bib?

Carry around a spare napkin, all the time.

Whenever I have to pee, I tuck it into my fly, under my Johnson and-- ta-da-- no pee stains.

So, it's like a piss-kerchief?

A dick dickie.

No, it's a pee bib.

Look, try it out.

I have a million.

Keep it.

Taco, you asshole, these are the cocktail napkins from my wedding.

I celebrate your union every time I urinate.

Chill out.

Your wedding's over.

Let the guy piss on your napkins.

(toilet flushes)

Worked pretty good.

What is that?

No! No!

What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here yet.

It's too early.

Damn it!

Aw.

Jenny: Are you okay?

You look like you saw a ghost.

Sort of.

I just found a white pube!

Oh.

Just one?

Uh, I don't, I don't know.

I haven't looked at all of them yet.

I think so.

Why?

Um, it's totally natural.

It's very distinguished.

No, George Clooney's distinguished.

Old grandpa crotch is foul.

It's a rite of passage?

I don't... Oh, God, my crotch is getting so old.

It hasn't even lived yet.

Thank you, kind sir.

You flatter me.

I appreciate that.

Please, please, you can't tell anybody about this.

You know, women dye their hair.

You could easily just...

No, no, no.

I'm not dyeing anything.

What is this?

This is, uh, oh, Taco... Oh!

...found napkins from our wedding.

It's from our wedding.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

What-what's all over it?

Oh, that's my pee.

I urinated on it.

I'm using it as a pee bib.

It's just a bib that protects my pants.

You'll be happy in the long run.

So, do you not want me to put it back in the scrapbook?

I think we are safe.

Thank you for giving me a break from the wrath of Ruxin.

Oh, please.

He's one of my best friends.

He's a terrible person.

Want to come inside and drink some of Ruxin's beers?

(toilet flushing)

I think I hear him.

Go on.

I'll see you soon.

Let's see, Ashley.

What can we use to fire you?

Oh, should have shaken more.

Hey, Ruxin, I was thinking...

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, oh, my God!

No, no, no!

Whoa!

Mr. Ruxin, you disgusting pig!

Were you jerking off to a picture of me?

I'm not a disgusting pig.

I peed on myself.

Okay, R. Kelly, this is absolutely terrifying.

So, you're going to quit?

No, I'm not going to quit.

How am I going to hold this over your head if I quit?

I'm going to stay here, paid, and use your house like a hotel.

And I'm going to reflect, and really heal from what I just saw.

I'm in so much pain.

Oh, please.

It's not the first time you've seen a guy jerking off in front of you, which I didn't do.

I would be happy to tell your wife about this.

Don't tell my wife.

I'm going to tell Sofia.

You wouldn't.

Watch me.

(baby crying)

It sounds like a poop cry.

You should go take care of it.

I'm going to grab a beer.

Fine, I like changing diapers.

I fed him turkey chili for lunch.

Oh, that crib is going to be a war zone.

I mean, this girl, she sucks at her job and now I could be sued for sexual harassment, and I can't fire her and I'm not even the one who's screwing her!

Well, speaking as the one who is, it's pretty fantastic, actually.

Oh, really?

Au pair!

Au pair!

Au pair!

You guys are straight-up ruining it.

There's one confusing element, though.

She has been saying that she wants to "golden gate" with me.

Are you guys aware of this term?

Golden gate?

Golden gate?

Golden gate.

Golden gate, I'm assuming that's somehow pee-related.

No, no, no.

I think it's when you have s*x really early in the morning, and then right in the middle of it, you jump off and commit suicide.

No, I think that's called "having s*x with Andre."

That happened one time, and it was a week later.

I think it's code for a**l.

Oh, no, we don't use code words for that.

Oh! In my house?

Once... Oh, God.

...and a half.

My child sleeps there, Pete.

Well, not in your bed.

All right, that's it.

You have to ask her to quit.

Ruxin, I don't want to date someone who's unemployed.

Fine.

Well, if I can't fire her, then I'm going to make her quit.

Speaking of unemployed, do you believe Carson Palmer is still in his prime?

What's this guy thinking?

What do you care?

Just because he's one of your red-headed brothers?

What do you mean red-headed brothers?

What do you think I mean?

You have red hair.

You think I have red hair?

What color do you think your hair is?

Brown.

Oh, yeah, like fire engine brown.

No, it's like a light brown.

Oh, like, The Hunt for Light Brown October?

Kevin your hair is red and your pubes are red.

No, it's not.

And how would you even know what color my pubes are?

You think he keeps his eyes closed when he blows you?

You know what?

I don't have gray...

I don't have red hair, okay?

You guys are dicks, I'm going to the kitchen.

Kevin, why don't you have a glass of brown wine and relax?

Asshole.

Jesus, man!

Going gray?

You know, come on.

I heard you.

No, I'm not going gray, okay?

Little dusting around the temples?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I got a couple up here.

I was embarrassed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'm sorry.

I know.

Look, we all have our little secrets.

For example, I'm losing my hair.

No.

Yeah.

Really?

Look, I know a place, Cher would say, could turn back time.

Okay, enough with the references.

Okay, when should I pick you up?

Say, 12:00?

I can't believe you're letting me just stay here.

Yeah.

Make yourself at home.

All right.

Here we are.

This is sweet.

I think I'll sleep out here, if that's cool.

That would be great.

Naked.

Okay.

That's how I sleep.

I figured.

Because the goose is loose, you know what I'm talking about?

Uh-huh. No, I do.

It means my wiener needs to be out.

I know.

Is it cool if Dirty Randy comes over tonight?

It is absolutely not.

Dirty Randy's coming over tonight.

No, he's not.

With a bunch of movies.

Hi, Baby Jeff woke me up from my nap.

Ashley.

Um, this is the au pair Ashley.

What's up?

(inhales gently)

What's that smell?

You smell like something.

Cupcake?

Yeah.

This is my brolo, my el cuñado Raffi-- and when I'm gone, Raffi's the man of the house.

What does the man of the house get to do, Raf?

Anything he wants to anybody at anytime.

He's a convicted felon.

Twice.

And he's going to be staying with us.

You a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper?

Heavy.

Nice.

Can you just say the word yes?

Just say it out loud.

Yes.

Consent.

You heard it.

You're a lawyer.

I'm going to go to my room.

Just let me know when dinner's ready.

Okay.

No closed doors.

Well, I think she's pretty disgusted by you.

Challenge accepted.

Well, you should absolutely court her, Raffi.

Yeah, I'm going to court martial her v*g1n* with my wiener.

All right, make yourself at home.

Cool, thanks.

Just so I know, in this room, I need for us to decide where the pee corner is.

There's no pee corner.

No, I know what I do.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm going to use that as my pee corner, and I'm going to use this as my slop basket.

Are we good?

Ugh.

Ah, this is relaxing.

Knew you'd like it.

I don't know why you continue to do that.

Just making it weird.

What is wrong with a man holding a man's hand?

Nothing, here.

Nothing wrong.

Show everybody that you're totally fine with it.

Sure, okay.

Oh, ow! God...!

No, this is what you wanted.

Stop, stop!

You want comfort and connection.

Ow!

Happy?

Do you have to sit so close, Andre?

If your foot touches mine, I'm going to cut it off.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Told you. Yeah.

And we haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg yet, with the treatments.

You know what I heard?

They even have a treatment where guys will come in to get their pubic area dyed.

Did you ever hear about that?

Oh, yeah.

A little too fruity for me.

I mean, God.

Oh.

How desperate would you have to be?

God!

To get your pubes dyed.

So desperate.

Isn't this great?

It feels good.

Yeah.

Tightens the pores.

This coming from a man who's used to having gook on their face.

Okay, it was my own gook.

What?

To get rid of zits.

You put, you know, stuff on your face, you know?

What stuff?

I churn some butter and I put it on my face.

Do you ever swallow your own spit?

It's the same idea.

It's the same idea as spit.

It's dick spit-- come on!


Taco?

Hey, Jenny.

What are you doing?

I'm making a pee bib underwear prototype.

I need some raw materials.

And you're not using your own underwear because...?

Mm...

You don't have any underwear.

Never saw the point.

Right.

Could you at least go through our clean laundry?

I thought that's what this was.

No.

Whoa, is this a white pube?

No.

I knew you were old, but I didn't...

It's not mine!

Kevin has white pubes?

No.

Taco!

Do not say a word about this.

Promise me, Taco, you will not say anything!

No.

Oh!

...most enriching experience...

...Intercontinental heavyweight boxing title is on the line in Vegas.

Sammy Sterling weighs in 212...

Pee bib, huh?

He has a two inch reach...

Ruxin!

Jesus, Raffi!

Why don't you lock the door?

I don't lock doors.

It's rude. Up top!

I'm not touching you.

Come on, bro, high five.

Don't leave me hanging.

No, I just need to go to the bathroom.

All right-- come on in.

Go between my legs.

What?!

How's your aim?

No, I got to go number two.

Okay, then just come sit on my lap.

We can double drop a deuce like we did in college.

You didn't go to college, Raffi.

So, lots of people didn't go to college.

You don't have to constantly throw it in my face.

I'm sorry for interrupting you.

You're watching it happen right now.

Oh, God.

Hey, man, do you want to hang out?

Have you been enjoying having s*x in my house?

Ashley and I have had a great time defiling little Casa de Ruxin.

But at this point, I only have one thing left to do-- and that is figure out what the golden gate is.

Hey, guys!

What's going on?

Hey, Kevin.

Um, you look weird.

Why's your skin all oily?

It's the lactic acid facial.

Facial?

Okay.

Be that as it may, my friend Kevin and I had a spa day.

We had a full gamut of treatments, including a mani-pedi-- show him your nails.

I'm not.

You look like a china doll of Kevin.

What's going on there?

Did you wax your eyebrows?

No.

Yes, finally.

Look at this.

Olga worked her magic on him.

She trimmed, she tightened, she dyed--

I mean, it's like a brand-new Kevin.

Wow.

Any treatments for old smoke crotch?

Excuse me?

What about Casper the Friendly Pube?

Was he there?

No, he was out in the Gray Gardens, actually.

The Gray Gardens?

You do have a white pube.

No, I don't have a white pube.

All right, if you must know, I got a mani-pedi.

I got a volcano hair treatment.

And yes, I did get a brow wax.

But I do not have a white pube that requires any white pube treatments.

So, they're all red?

They're not red, Ruxin.

Oh, they're gray.

They're not... gray.

Come on, Kevin.

Where there was fire, there's smoke... crotch.

You know what?

Good day, guys.

Thank you very much.

Kevin, do not get upset.

Remember what Olga said about your frown lines.

Oh, my God.

(moaning)

Hi.

Hi, how was that for a golden gate?

That was amazing, but it wasn't a golden gate.

Really?

You don't know what a golden gate is?

It's not, like, when you have s*x and then jump off a bridge, is it?

No.

Okay.

I mean, do you want me to show you?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

I'm game to try anything with you.

Okay.

Yeah, let's have some fun.

Okay, where are you going?

I just, I got to get ready.

Okay.

Are we getting props, or...?

Sort of.

All right.

Golden gate.

Hi.

What are you hiding?

What is that?

Oh!

Oil stuff.

It's massage oil.

Oh, okay, I know what that is.

Heard of it?

Yes, I know that stuff.

Okay.

Just want to relax you a little bit.

Oh, I feel relaxed.

For the golden gate?

For the golden gate, yes.

Is, I mean, is this it?

Have we started?

First, close your eyes.

Okay.

All right, that feels good.

Mmm.

That's better.

Mm-hmm.

I like the Bay Area.

This is good.

This is going to be nice.

Uh, oh, sneaky fingers.

Look out.

Look out.

Raffi, what are you doing?

Hey, tall guy.

What-what are you doing here?

We're building a bridge.

No, we're building a bridge.

Just a two-person bridge.

We're all building a bridge.

He's helping.

I think... Do you want her mouth or her downstairs, man?

You get one side, I get the other.

No.

Two sides of the bridge.

No, not this bridge.

Just relax, just relax.

Too much hair on the bridge.

It's a hairy bridge. I don't-- Dude, and I dyed my pubes white like Brian's.

So, my dick is terrifying.

Okay, I'm good, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Tall guy, what are you doing?

Sorry, sorry.

I just... Hey!

Look, no...

There's no golden gating.

I hate San Francisco.

I'm dropping Vernon Davis.

Okay.

What a weirdo.

Why did he act so strange?

I bet when I got here and climbed on top, he came, and he got really embarrassed, so he left.

What a waste.

I'm not going to take it anymore.

They're not going to make fun of me.

I'm just like them.

I'm young.

I can do this.

I'm a man, and I'm not taking it anymore.

Is this for vaginas?

Well, close enough.

Okay.

(knocking)

Sweetie?

What? Huh?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm on the toilet, babe.

It's complicated.

You're disgusting.

I love you. Good luck.

Okay.

Good-bye, grandpa crotch.

Your au pair is literally a filth monger and you can have her-- I'm done.

I already heard all the details because Raffi broke into the shower while I was in there, told me the story, and then, purely based off instinct, tried to shiv me.

Trust me, there is nothing golden about the golden gate, especially when Raffi is Marin County.

Hey, guys.

Ruxin, I need to talk business with you.

Taco Corps is thinking of investing heavily in the pee bib, and as my lawyer...

I'm not your lawyer.

As my attorney, I really need to discuss patent law with you.

I ran some product tests.

Basically, I peed on myself, and 97% of the time, the pee bib worked.

Unless I had an erection because then it would pee upwards and on to my chest, which if that happens, then I could make a pee vest.

And it would protect your chest from the chest pee.

Write that down.

Just did.

And pee socks.

There could be pee socks, when you're peeing in the middle of the night, and pee splashes all over your feet.

Write that down again.

Already e-mailed it.

Oh, a pee helmet.

No, that's a stupid idea.

Leave the ideas to the idea man.

I told you not to bring your friends to our business meetings.

He showed up.

I apologize.

Well, I'm putting the cart before the horse here.

Let's focus on the pee bib first.

Here are the prototypes.

Look at that.

Looks good, huh?

All you do is cross out Kevin and Jenny and write pee bib.

Yeah, in the focus groups, the Kevin and Jenny stuff did not play well at all.

Well, at least you already trademarked it-- that's good.

No, it's Taco-marked.

Oh, we need to trademark Taco-mark.

You sure you don't want me to Taco-mark Taco-mark?

Even better.

Taco! Are those all my wedding napkins?

Not anymore.

Speak to my lawyer.

Where is your old, old, decrepit husband?

He's in the bathroom.

I thought he only locked himself in the bathroom when he was home alone with you.

He doesn't do that.

Anymore.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

All right.

Mm! Not bad.

Still damp.

Guys, can you just be a little sensitive when you are talking to him about his graying nethers?

Okay? He's having a tough time.

All right, we'll...

No problem, Jen.

All right, and if you guys want anything, just get it yourself.

I'm done with you.

We'll take care of him.

Hey, Smokey the Crotch!

Come on down!

Hey, does your dick need a walker to get down the stairs?

Hey, Santa Cock!

You dreaming of white Dickmas?

Come down!

All right.

Hang on, okay?

I'll be down in a minute.

Hey, when you die, is your dick going to live alone with a bunch of cats?

Just leave me alone, okay?!

Give me five minutes!

It's my house!

I need this.

Come on, hurry it up, Rip Van Tinkle.

What is taking so long?

Are you using a hair dryer?

You getting ready for prom?

No, I'm not using a hair dryer, if you must know.

I am vacuuming because I am a responsible member of my... Oh! Oh! Oh!

Pubes on fire!

My pubes on fire!

Pubes on fire! Aah!

Holy crap!

Oh, whoa!

Aah! Fire crotch!

Fire crotch! It's burning!

It's burning! Put it out!

Do something!

Put it out!

Put it out, Andre!

Put it out, put it out!

Oh, put it out!

I'm sorry.

Oh, no!

The pee bib will save you!

What did you do?

I'm so sorry-- it slipped!

Why is his dick on fire?

It wasn't me.

Oh, no, my inventory's ruined.

Ruxin, I'm going to have to let you go.

Ah, you win some, you lose some.

I love football at this house.

(both moaning, sighing)

Oh! I feel like I just got milked.

Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom.

That was pretty (bleep) classy.

Ashley, can you please come down here?

Ugh.

He is the worst.

I want to quit so bad.

You should quit.

I can't.

You should quit.

I can't.

Why?

Because, where would I live?

You should stay here with me.

In my room.

No, hear me out.

Yes, we just met yesterday, but... we have a real connection.

So I'm asking you.

Ashley.

Ashley...

Will you come live with me?

You really gonna do this, Ashley?

Mm-hmm, I quit.

You're gonna love living here.

Raffi, I won't let that happen under my roof.

Hey, babe.

How was the vacation?

What is going on?

Nothing.

***

Who is my brother having s*x in our house?

With Ashley.

Raffi is having s*x with our au-pair?

Technically she's not our au-pair anymore.

She quit.

What? You...

***.

Baby, I wouldn't go in there.

God. Oh my God.

***