03x05 - Bobbum Man

(sighs)

Ruxin: I cannot set a good lineup.

My bench keeps out-performing my starters.

My bench is this magical mystery realm, where ordinary players play like superstars.

Like if Kevin were on my bench, he'd be a six-five billionaire who could sexually please his wife.

Kevin: Hey!

I'm thrilled.

I'm playing you this week, and I am going to clobber you.

Yeah, I believe you will.

I have no feel for my team, and it's stressing me out.

Kevin: Oh, God.

Andre, really?

Andre: What are the things proposed?

What the...

Good pizza, good friends, good time.

Yeah.

Plus, I already got five comments.

Someone goes, "That's a spicy pizza."

Pete: Seriously, could you please stop it?

All of you, you guys are so annoying.

All these online social interactions, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and, Jenny, can you please stop posting pictures of your stupid kid all the time?

That stupid kid is your niece.

Yeah.

I don't care if it's my dick.

I don't need to see a thousand pictures of it pretending to ride a dog.

You know what, I'm tweeting everything you're saying, and people are really behind you.

I'm going to tweet your face, Andre.

Oh!

Guys, Taco's got a point, okay?

I mean, the whole, like, Tweeter, Facebook thing, it's getting a little out of hand.

Well, I've come up with an alternative.

I've created the first-ever offline social network.

I think this has been happening for a while, Taco.

It's called "society."

It's better than society.

It's "MyFace."

MyFace?

Watch. I'll post a comment.

"I didn't bring any money to pay for my meal today."

For real?

Yeah.

Can I borrow ten bucks?

Oh... You are going to thank me for this.

I need to relax.

I need to figure something out.

I had no mojo.

This place will fix your mind, your heart and your body.

I don't know what's healing about stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.

Wear your grippies.

What?

Your grippies, you know.

Gorilla-Grips.

They have tensile strength of an actual gorilla.

Look, I'm not planning on giving four people hand and foot jobs today.

(both scoff)

(both scoff again)

Okay, guys, welcome to Harmony Yoga Studio.

New student.

Oh, new student!

Great.

If anyone here is pregnant or menstruating, uh, please avoid inversions.

Okay, he's both pregnant and and menstruating.

I'm not on my moon cycle.

There's no judgments here.

Thank you.

All right, we're going to start in seated position.

Come on, sit lndian style.

Indian style's for kids at summer camp who got diddled by their Croatian windsurfing instructor named Goran.

That's disgusting.

All right, we're gonna start three sets of om.

Inhale through your nose...

(inhaling) and om...

(all join in saying, "Om...")

Om... (whooshing)

And let's do this last one with a smile.

All: Om... Vincent Jackson...

(laughing loudly)

Oh, Rob Gronkowski!

How did you know to play him?

Optimum lineup choosing.

It's all due to yoga.

And I look forward to using your bullshit, unicorn, rainbow calisthenics to crush you.

Okay, next week, I will have lineup Nirvana.

Watch, all right?

Absolutely not.

Can you do me a favor and stop sending me these text messages, please?

It's weirding me out.

Oh!

It's not me; it's him.

Looks like ye bobbum man is back.

What?!

What are you guys talking about right now?

It's... okay... There's this thing we did in college; it's basically like phone chicken.

We would try to horrify each other into hanging up first, and we all develop our own little characters.

And his happened to be extremely creepy and weird and made me very uncomfortable.

Bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man (with thick accent): He creepied up in the bobbum van, filled with equipmonk for great grief to making at you underneath.

(Ruxin chuckles)

Kevin, you had one of the weirdest.

What was it?

It was mundane ejaculation man; it was stupid.

I want to hear it.

Dude, show him.

Okay. Andre, what did you have for lunch today?

I had a cheeseburger.

Oh, God, I'm gonna come.

I'm so close to coming, Andre!

And he would just go on with it until you hung up.

Well, no one went on as long as the crawdad man.

True.

Is that your guy?

Oh, the crawdad man!

Every day is a hard day down by the river.

I got to go get my buckets and fill them buckets up with them crawdads.

I got to keep them separated.

If you don't keep them separated, they're gonna eat themselves.

They're gonna eat themselves!

What is a crawdad?

It's like an evil trip.

Yours was good, too.

I mean, Korean Dick Vitale.

You kidding me?

(à la Dick Vitale): Oh, that's a diaper dandy!

Awesome, baby!

(laughter)

Honestly, bobbum man was the creepiest.

He was like this sad, middle- aged, virile man driving around in a van with his equipmonk.

Equipmonk?

That was-- ugh!

And the equipmonk was specifically designed to just tear Kevin apart, and specifically it's bobbum man...

Look, bobbum was a long time ago, so let's just drop the bobbum thing, okay?

Maybe the bobbum girl going to come and rock your bobbum world.

Crawdaddy man, could you please help me out?

Oh, did someone call for crawdaddy man?

What do you need?

Why are you m*st*rb*t*ng as crawdad man?

Well, I was in the middle of picking up my cr-- I'm in waders, and I'm picking my crawdads up.

All right, Andre, you win.

You are the creepiest.

Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.

Big, big day coming up.

Ellie's gymnastics...

No.

What?

Wow.

Really? Our sex-iversary?

Right.

Doesn't it ring a bell?

It's certainly coming up.

We should definitely celebrate that this year.

We haven't celebrated that in years.

Yeah.

When do you want to do it?

Wow!

You don't remember the date of the first time we had s*x, do you?

I don't... remember... the actual date, but I totally remember having s*x...

What do you remember?

Tell me about what you remember.

We went to Zanies, and we saw Paula Poundstone.

We got totally wasted.

Yeah.

And you took me home in your Tracer and you rocked my world.

I did rock your world.

It was so good.

Yes, and it was good, but not good enough to remember the actual date.

Just tell me when it is.

No. No, no, no, no.

We'll celebrate.

No.

Is it tonight?

No, it is not tonight.

And trust me, even if it were tonight, we would not be celebrating.

Really?

(crickets chirping)

(door crashes open)

Kevin.

(Kevin gasps loudly)

Taco, it's the middle of the night.

You've got mail.

You've received a message from Taco.

No, I don't.

Oh, come on.

"You have been invited to join "MyFace, an offline social network.

If you accept, tell Taco!!!"

Taco, I don't want you breaking into my house at 4:00 in the morning anymore.

Yeah, that's what all the other guys said.

You guys should form a MyFace group-- "People who don't like getting their houses broken into at 4:00 a.m."

Fine, I accept, Taco.

Please, go.

Great.

Welcome to MyFace.

It is now time to choose a profile face.

Are you content with the face you are currently displaying?

You sure you want to pick that face?

Try another one.

Better.

Great.

That's perfect.

Do you accept?

Taco, please leave my home.

I will take that as a yes.

Hey, you have a message.

(over recorder): Equipmonk sharp.

Equipmonk dirty.

Equipmonk make Kevin bobbum hurty.

Bobbum...

I will now join the MyFace group "People who eat food out of Kevin's fridge."

She forgot your sexiversary?

Yep.

She doesn't remember the first time you put your little fingerling potato inside of her?

Wow.

No idea when your tired little boy slumped in to her beanbag chair?

Can we just talk about how sad this is that you're celebrating your sex-versary?

Do you also celebrate the first time that she went down on you for oralversary?

Or maybe the first time you guys did a**l for analversary.

My God.

Well, to celebrate the anniversary, I think the actual event must have occurred first.

Hello, gentlemen.

So nice to meet you offline like this.

Out of the way.

Oh.

And say hello to the newest additionth to the World Wide World, my MyFace wall.

Wait, what the hell is this?

Yeah, huh?

You post pictures.

Here are my status updates.

And here, if you want to send me a personal message, click right here.

Wow, Sofia's on MyFace?

Oh, yeah, she loves MyFace.

She's all over it.

What's this chain thing here?

That is a link.

That's a pic of Kevin, and the link brings you to Jenny and their mistake.

Oh... my God.

Oh, bobbum man is on MyFace.

What?

"When up in there is all destroy, this is ye butt, bobbum boy."

It's not funny.

Oh, how'd you get that picture of me in Godspell?

That was on my vanity.

That's my personal property.

Okay, hold on.

Couple of questions real quick.

First of all, why was that on your vanity?

Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all?

And thirdly, if you must have a vanity, why do you have to call it a vanity?

Why do you have pictures of Rafi on the MyFace wall?

Because he's my MyFace friend.

Excuse me!

Hey!

Speak of the lunatic.

Rafi is here!

See, status update.

Boom, MyFace friend.

I'm gonna poke you.

Ah, I'm gonna stab you.

Offline.

With a real knife.

Please don't.

What?

Taco, I need your help.

You need me to raise Ellie.

Okay, she can stay here.

I of course will be staying at your place.

I don't need you to raise Ellie.

Ellie is fine.

Mm.

I forgot our sex-iversary!

I forgot Kevin's and my sex-iversary.

Wow.

Well, that's normal.

When you have s*x as much as we do, you can't be expected to pin down any one occasion.

I have this vague recollection that you busted us that night.

Yes.

And that you might have taken picture.

Did you take a picture?

I just posted a bunch of old pictures of Kevin on my Face wall.

Great!

Was it one of the pictures?

I don't know.

Uh, if you're gonna view my wall, you're gonna have to sign into MyFace.

Okay.

Password?

I don't have a password, Taco!

We're gonna have to retrieve your password.

Security question number one: What color panties are you wearing right now?

What?

No-No.

Okay.

Dildos or vibrators?

I-I'm not answering that question.

Top ten lesbian experiences.

I'm not going there with you, Taco!

Stop!

Fine.

I'm gonna need you to retype the letters in this box.

There are no letters in that box; it's a spider with penises for legs.

Now I believe it's you.

Welcome to MyFace.

You may now view my wall.

Thank you.

Wow.

Yeah.


Been really busy.

Oh, my God, look at Ruxin's fro.

(gasps)

Oh!

I would recognize that bra anywhere.

Look at that-- oh, and there we go.

November 2, 2001.

Thank you so much for this, Taco.

Don't thank me, thank MyFace.

Thank you, face.

You have a message from Taco.

Happy sex-iversary.

Thank you very much.

Let him put it wherever.

Okay, great, let's get on all fours for our final position-- cat and cow.

If we can inhale and arch our backs up.

And exhale, curve the spine.

I'm getting no lineup nirvana right now.

I'm trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this girl's s*x boobs, but I'm not getting a thing.

All right, guys, let's move to a seated position.

're gonna end our class with three ohms.

No personal mantras.

Just "ohm."

All: ♪ Ohm... ♪

Okay, I really don't appreciate your sarcastic "ohm."

That wasn't a sarcastic "ohm."

Yes, it was a sarcastic "ohm," and it's disres...

Mmm... No it wasn't.

Okay, I think both of you need to leave right now.

What?

He should be able to stay, because Andre loves yoga.

Okay, I can't take your stupid sarcasm right now.

But you're being disrespectful.

I want you to take your mat, your stupid driving gloves and your idiot friend and get the hell out of my class!

They're not driving gloves, they're Grippies.

They have the tensile strength of a gorilla.

(groans)

Sidney Rice.

We could've done great things together.

If you had someone throwing you the ball consistently every week... (sighs)

(door creaks)

Hello?

Yeah-- hello?

What is this?

Taco?

Hello?

"Fe, fi, fo, fum, the end are near at thou bobbum.

Tie me open bobbum van trunk for ruin bobbum with equipmonk."

Who's ruining my equipmonk?

Nobody's gonna ruin my bobbum with equipmonk.

Stupid Taco.

(gasps)

(screams)

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.

Guess who figured it out.

I think you did.

Happy sex-iversary.

(both moaning)

I love your face.

And your chest.

And I want to put it in your bobbum.

Uh, whoa.

What?

Huh?

What did you just say?

Nothing.

You said "bobbum."

Babe, I was talking about your equipmonk.

My equipmonk?

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's going through my brain.

You don't understand, it was...

Not tonight it's not.

Sex-iversary... Bobbum free.

Let's throttle back up.

Where were we?

I don't know.

I don't know if you can handle couch s*x. Huh?

Oh, I can handle it.

(screams)

Bobbum!

Right there!

Are you kidding me right now?

Yes! He had sunglasses and...

He's not real!

No, he's real, Jenny!

He put a note on the door.

A note?

Yes, it said, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I'm gonna mess with your equipmonk."

He is a figment of your imagination that your friends made up.

No, he's real, and he's scary, and he's going to hurt.

You know what?

Have a great sex-iversary with the bobbum man.

I'm out.

What?

No!

Aw, now I got to play with my own equipmonk.

You wrecked the entire thing for me.

I am now banned from yoga because of you.

I tried to call up and apologize to her, right?

She told me, "Oh, go do an inversion on your moon cycle."

What's that?

It's when a woman stands on her head during her period.

Oh, right.

Now what am I going to do?

How am I going to reach light-up nirvana?

Ban or no ban, I'm going back in.

Look, it's not my fault.

I tried to tell her how much you loved yoga.

That's exactly it-- you were being sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm sorry.

That, Ruxin, is sarcasm.

I don't think that's sarcasm.

It was.

Asshole!

Yeah, you.

Don't give me the babe in the woods routine.

You ruined my sex-iversary with Jenny.

You were standing outside dressed as bobbum man lurking through my window with your lurkily eyes.

I was not there.

Kevin, that was not me.

You had sunglasses on, the hood, creepily staring in.

No, he was with me last night.

We saw the Kesha concert.

It was awesome.

She played "Tik Tok" twice.

He's kidding-- I did not go to the Kesha concert.

I was being bobbum man.

I was outside your window.

No, no, no, no, it wasn't you.

You were at the Kesha concert.

Andre posted the VIP bracelets on my MyFace wall.

Look, I... I think I'm responsible for the whole bobbum man thing.

So you did it?

You're the asshole?

No, I created an off-line avatar for the character of bobbum man.

An off-line avatar?

That would be a real person, then.

Yeah, yeah, so I asked Raffi to play the character, and he really got into it.

Raffi?

Yeah, so it was probably him standing outside your window while you were having boring s*x with Jenny.

Let me give you a little bit of advice.

When casting a sexual psychopath with a van, you don't actually have to cast a sexual psychopath with a van.

But it's so much easier.

He already knows how to do it.

This may be partially my fault, too.

Ooh, ooh!

Raffi bomb.

Raffi, what are you doing here?

So Taco wants me to play the off-line avatar of this s*x offender guy.

Sounds like typecasting, Raffi.

What's that mean?

Pigeonholing.

No, I told him specifically, I'm not doing any pigeonholing, okay?

I'm not going to find a coup.

I'm not going to scoop the coup.

I'm not going to blast any pigeons.

I don't do that anymore.

I think we have very different definitions of what pigeonholing is.

I doubt it.

What are you doing here, Raffi?

I want to know if this is a good idea or not.

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

All right, good, then I'll do it-- thank you.

I think you and Taco working together, nothing could go wrong.

Well, actually, I think a lot could go wrong, but if you think it's a good idea, then I'm going to do it.

Two thumbs up, Raffi.

All right, awesome.

High five.

You should wash that hand.

I'm taking this eagle.

Later. (caws)

I didn't know Raffi was taking about bobbum man, and regardless, he took it the wrong way.

Oh, you know why?

Because no one ever knows what you're saying-- whether it's real or sarcastic.

You don't know your sarcastic strength.

Look, it's not my fault that if someone doesn't understand irony that someone else ends up getting non-ironically buggered.

Well, it's not going to happen to me, okay?

We're all going to get in the car now, and we're going to go to Raffi's place and explain to him that it was a joke.

Wait, Raffi has a place?

Yeah, he calls it the Equipmonk Shed.

Don't say equipmonk.

It gives me gweat gwief.

In your underneath?

Easy, "Tik Tok."

This is Raffi's place?

Where'd all these chairs come from?

First time I see that.

He's not going to get his deposit back.

This is where he wanted to throw Baby Jeffrey's birthday.

Okay, what is that?

That's his toilet/kitchen.

Both?

Wow, that's efficient.

So where is Raffi now?

I don't know.

He left that shit-stained mattress and that thing there.

Oh, he left his MyFace wall.

That is a lot of bobbums.

There's a lot of knives on here, too.

Oh, great.

This is unbelievable.

How come my bobbum's not on there?

What about these jeans with the angel wings and the knife going through it?

Yeah, I think it is.

Okay, phew.

This is out of control, Ruxin.

We have to get Raffi to cease and desist with this bobbum man MyFace crap.

I paged him.

I have not heard anything back.

Don't worry about it, guys.

I know how to get in touch with him.

Ta-da.

"Raffi, please stop being bobbum man.

Love, Taco.

P.S. Racquetball on Sunday?"

You're going to play racquetball with Raffi on Sunday?

Well, not if I can't find him.

I mean, this is a horrific situation.

Truly, in the world, the last person I would ever want to be sodomized by would be Raffi.

Truly, if I could pick.

Oh, and by the way, when you get sodomized by a vagrant, not only are you sodomized by that vagrant, but you're also being sodomized by everyone else that vagrant has sodomized.

Raffi's put this whole Bobbum Man thing in the gutter.

You know, as I envisioned Bobbum Man, it was much more of a general annihilation, not just about the ass.

I mean, it includes that, but...

Oh, I'm so sorry your vision's been ruined, Shakespeare.

Hey, sue me if I have a little, uh, artistic integrity, okay?

Just... how would you feel if we took Mundane Ejaculation Man and just... well, we just tossed him aside?

Well, I wouldn't care, because I don't...

Um, there's some... Is that...

That's... that's bobbum man.

You know what, Ruxin?

Thought you could kick me out of yoga?

Guess what-- I'm sneaking back in, and I got a disguise.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to reach fancy light-up nirvana, and I'm going to beat your bobbum.

That's right.

I'm going to beat your bobbum like my team is made out of equipmonk, okay?

Go.

sh1t.

Aah! bobbum man, bobbum man.

Whoa, whoa! bobbum man, bobbum man!

I'm going to beat that bobbum.

I'm going to come in the back.

Oh!

And I'm going to beat that bobbum.

He's got a bag of equipmonk.

I don't want to go out like this.

It's not the way I'm supposed to die.

Hey, we're not going out like this.

We can take him.

Come on, it's two against one.

Okay, you go, and I'll tell your story.

No!

You're so brave.

You hear me?

Here we go.

One, two, three.

(yelling)

(grunting and groaning)

Die, Bobbum!

How do you like your equipmonk now, huh?

(yelling)

Who are we kicking?

(yelling)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Raffi!

Stop, stop, stop.

What?

That's not bobbum man.

Oh, no.

Hey, what's up?

We're gonna get the crawfish...

That's the crawdad man!

What?

It's Andre.

Relax.

Hey, stop, I'm me.

Am I in Nirvana?

Oh, boy.

Okay, this is not good.

Okay, this is how it's gonna go down.

We're gonna need to get a rug, a bonesaw and condoms.

What? He's not dead.

Fine, then we don't need the condoms.

The other stuff we're gonna need.

We're gonna kill him, get rid of the body, and then we're leaving the state tonight.

This is how it ends, Ryan, get used to it.

We're gonna have to change our names.

I'm gonna be Apollo, you should be Scott, you should be Kevin.

Okay, let's start calling ourselves those names now.