05x09 - The a*t*matic Faucet

[bunniefuu]

Kevin: Clean release.

WHere's the water?

(sighs)

Oh, come on.

Where is it?

Where's the thing?

(groans) You're kidding me.

Oh... oh, sh**t.

Do it!

Come on, you son of a...

Is it this?

Is this it?

Is it both at the same...

(groans loudly)

Ho... Come on.

Balls!

I-I don't understand what it is.

I put my hands there.

I'm waving them underneath the a*t*matic faucet-- nothing's happening.

And then I'm stuck there with soap all over my hands.

Andre: You're just not turning it on right.

You just have to kind of go in slow.

Andre, I'm waving my fingers around to try to find any...

Ruxin: Well, there is a specific spot-- if you hit it, then you're good to go.

I don't want to look for a spot or a mechanism.

I miss the old days with the knobs.

Taco: You can't go in with both hands.

One and then add the second one if it all goes well.

I need to get both hands wet simultaneously.

Maybe get a...

(spitting sounds)

Spit on it a little bit...

Why would I spit on my own hand when the water's supposed to come out?

Pete: You know, you got to get things going a little bit sometimes.

You can't go in dry like that-- you're gonna hurt your hands.

Let alone the sink.

Sink's probably not so happy about the whole thing.

Jenny, care to comment?

Jenny: I think it would be, maybe, nice for the sink for you to ask the sink what the sink wants.

What do I give a sh*t about the sink?

Yeah, that's my boy.

Congrats, Jenny.

Well, I don't have that problem, boys.

'Cause I don't wash my hands in bathrooms.

'Cause the only thing I'm touching is me.

And you're a filth monster.

What's up?

Oh, my God, Andre.

What? I just came to talk to my gander about a little trade action.

Did you come to talk to me about a trade or did you come to, like, talk to me?

Kind of want to do both, 'cause you're my she-bro, I'm your she-guy.

No. I will talk to you about a trade though.

Okay.

Ray Rice for A.J. Green.

But I need to know soon.

I want him this week.

I'm putting a clock on you.

You'll have my answer soon.

Perhaps over dinner?

We are not dating, Andre.

Coffee.

No.

Think about it.

I like a macchiato.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no!

DeMarco Murray's out for the rest of the game?

I needed him!

I'm gonna lose now!

(chuckles) To Chuck, no less.

Damn it, man, come on!

Three running backs, four fumbles, two points?

It's you guys-- it's your fault.

I drafted you with high hopes and now none of you are living up to your potential.

Well, that's irony at its finest.

I draft Montee Ball.

Montee Ball's supposed to tear it up in Denver.

He shits the bed.

So I pick up Knowshon Moreno-- something I said I would never do again-- and then he screws me.

I haven't won in five seasons. I've lost with better teams than this group of shitbags. I can't rosterbate to you guys.

I can't get a half-chub. I can't even get a semi-chub!

I'm walking away! I'm done with fantasy football!

But this is all he has. You live here.

(sighs) I live here. Not anymore.

When you left just now, I moved in.

But you can totally crash here if you want.

Dr. Nowzick, are you sure that surgery's the only option?

You've done the toe exercises.

They haven't worked. You just got to face it.

You are... toe-bese. Okay.

I'm gonna take your Vienna sausages, and I'm gonna turn 'em into Slim Jims. The tits I did for my husband; the toes I'm doing for me.

That's it. I want Giselle toes. (clicks tongue) Okay, Carla, mark that down. Giselle toes.

Great. Every day is gonna be a sandal day from here on out. Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I've completed my will, and I left some money for you. Oh, of course.

So I could move in here and take care of the kids and (groans) I guess sleep with Jenny. I don't have to give her orgasms, do I? I don't have time for that.

No, no, I don't want you to do any of that stuff.

Well, I sort of have to now. It's in your will.

It is not in my will. You can't just change your will-- you have to have a lawyer present.

Do you know what I do? I'm a lawyer.

Thank you. That's-that's cute.

I also want to inform you that I've written a will as well, and I've left you a significant amount of money.

Really? Yep. $1 million.

Do you have a million dollars to give away, Taco?

Well, that depends on how much you leave me.

No, dingbat, you're not understanding how this thing works. You cannot give what you do not have. "Where there's a will, there's a way." That's a legal term.

You should know that. That... (groans)

Hey, I need your help. I'm being sued for malpractice.

Did you leave a fedora in a woman during surgery?

No, that never happened. It was a Livestrong bracelet.

Now, look, it was a normal toe-besity case.

I did nothing wrong. But now I have to be brought up in front of the hospital review board.

Are you hiring me as your lawyer?

Will you help me if I don't? Absolutely not.

Okay, then, fine. You're hired.

Okay. Now, tell Daddy exactly what happened.

It was a total routine operation.

I looked great in my European-cut scrubs.

I mean, they're so form-fitting. Doctor.

>> And my banter was off the charts.

And I know she's under anesthetic 'cause she's not talking.

(chuckles)

I was on a ten-plus day.

Then I get a text from Jenny.

She was gonna pull the trade if I didn't make it right then and there.

So she put you on the clock.

Exactly.

I'll be right back.

What...

(sighs)

Ahem.

Okay, well, this is great.

I hope everything is going excellently, um...

(computer chimes)

Doctor, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing. Never you mind.

Doctor, we have a surgery...

Doctor stuff, okay? No, no.

Do...

And you made the trade during surgery?

Now she's suing me because she said that her toes are fatter.

All I know is that at the end of that operation, her toes were skinny and I had Ray Rice.

Case closed.

Look, Andre, Shark Ruxin is on the case.

Don't worry your shiny little vest about it.

You like it?

Lawyer-client confidentiality?

Yes.

I despise it.

(indistinct chatter)

I don't care. Thank you.

Pete-Pete.

Hey, Jeremy.

Got a big week seven coming up-- I'm thinking about starting Torrey Smith...

You know, I normally give you fantasy advice, but, uh, I'm a little busy right now.

Sorry.

Totally respect that.

T.Y. Hilton...

Okay, this is a workplace.

This requires productivity, and I don't have time to spend on fantasy football.

Got it. Yep.

Good.

Don't turn around.

I'm just gonna say a name.

You just say "yes" or "no."

Yes.

Well, I have to say a name...

Yes.

But, Pete, that's a...

Yes.

(clears throat)

Hey, Mr. Haddock.

Hey, Pete, can I, uh, see you in my office, please?

Yeah, of course.

(sighs)

Who am I looking at? Hmm?

I don't recognize this Pete.

But I like him.

You do?

Yeah, you've changed.

Well, I got to say, Bill, I'm really enjoying myself.

And, uh, you know, I was even thinking I could come in Sunday if you wanted some extra work.

I'm not doing anything.

Well, I-I don't need your help this Sunday, but I-I could use your help right now.

Sure.

So, there is a project coming up, but I've been having trouble lining up the right people.

You're trying to make a lineup.

Yeah, I guess so.

Let me take a cr*ck at that.

I have some experience with this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, great.

This is my good pen.

I just need that back. Okay.

Let's see...

Melanie calls in sick at least twice a month, so you definitely don't want her on anything crucial.

I'd definitely keep her on the bench.

Um, Helen's normally a great choice.

Problem is, she's got a custody battle this week, so I'd say she's questionable at best.

There's Denise.

Obviously we're starting Denise no matter what.

Jeremy.

Jeremy had a great performance three weeks ago, but that's all he talks about, you know?

It's like, what have you done for me lately?

Yeah.

Three weeks ago, I was k*lling it.

I was like, "Uh, give me my own parking space already, all right?"

No. What about Bob?

Bob's great with the legwork.

The problem is he has trouble closing.

Now, Henry? That guy can close.

He is a deal vulture.

Start Henry, sit Bob.

Yeah. Well, this is a great lineup-- we should go with this.

Yeah.

Although, you know, now that I'm looking at it, what if we just move a few...

Don't tinker.

Okay.

Okay.

You're right.

Oh, hey-o! There she is.

(chuckles) I've heard of "pretty in pink" but "beautiful in purple"?

Come on.

What are you doing?

Who is that?

That's the regional manager.

She's the one we're playing for, man.

Shamara McCreedy Sommers-Jefferson?

Oh. Oh, I get it, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

(both scream)

G-God, Rafi, I thought you were in California!

I just got back!

I came here to hang out with you and you scare me like this?

No, you don't come to my house at night uninvited.

Of course I do!

I do that all the time!

You do not do that all the time.

I sit right here and I have my dark thoughts.

I don't want to hear that, Rafi.

And where is my car?!

Bad news on that.

What?

I b*rned your car to the ground.

Why'd you do that?!

If somebody said to you to "take care of something," that means "light it on fire," right?

No.

Well, then that's my bad on that one.

Great. Why are you here?

You and I have business together.

We don't have business together.

We have never had business together.

Ran into Taco when I got back to town.

He needed some money, so I floated him some cash.

He said he'd pay me back when you pay him.

I'm giving him money? When...

Yeah. When you die.

This is the contract he and I drew up.

This is you, Brian, with X's over your eyes.

That means you're dead, like from the cartoons.

Equals money, okay?

And that money was going to Taco; now it's coming to me.

This is not a legal document.

Oh, it's 100% legal.

It's on legal paper, "A."

And, "B," Taco notarized it.

Nailed it.

Okay, um, fine.

I would be willing to buy Taco's debt out.

Come on. You can't game the system like that, okay?

In order for me to make this money, you have to die.

(sighs) This was supposed to be an investment for Taco.

But now it's an investment for me, see?

I'm investing in your death.

Like I invest in stocks.

You invest in stocks?

Oh, yeah, I've got tons of Apple stock.

You own Apple stock?

Yeah. I also bought beef stock, I bought chicken stock.

And when the apocalypse happens, guess who they're gonna have to come to for those sweet, sweet little cubes.

Rafi.

I'm gonna be a bullionaire.

Okay, good night. Good night.

Hey, man, can you turn out the light when you leave?

I'm just gonna call a sex line quick.

Hello.

Whoa!

Well, well, well, look at you.

Did you give a hand job to the Men's Wearhouse guy?

No, gentlemen, I'm wearing a suit because I got myself a promotion.

Not from cheating off of someone else, not from sleeping with the boss's wife.

I got it based on my own work.

It's hard to believe.

Seems suspect.

Well, why is it suspect?

I've got all this free time on my hands now that I'm not doing fantasy.

I've gone from parking below four to having my own parking spot.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling us you are really done with fantasy football?

Why would I go back?

Hello? What job is ever gonna be as satisfying as winning the Shiva?

I mean, look at Andre right now-- he's about to lose his just trying to win.

I'm screwed.

The review board's this week.

I'd dead in the water.

All right!

What are we talking about?

Rafi, what are you doing here?

I've had such an annoying day.

What floor is Brian on?

Why would Kevin be in this building?

Isn't this the lawyer building?

Look, we have bigger fish to fry, okay?

Well, just tell me.

Who is on this review board?

The head of the hospital.

And Shiva.

I'm gonna look like an idiot in front of her.

You want me to take care of this?

I can take care of this Shiva no problem.

Boom, she's gone-zo.

No, R... We don't need you to kidnap Shiva.

I'm not in seventh grade.

I don't kidnap people anymore.

So what does "take care of it" mean?

Douse her in kerosene and light her on fire.

Don't light anyone on fire.

Why doesn't anybody get this?

We don't need you to kidnap her, we don't need you to light her on fire.

Nothing, okay?

All right, all right.

I get it, guys.

Don't worry, "nothing's" gonna happen to her.

Wink.

That's not a wink.

Yeah, it is. Wink.

No, that's blinking.

Two eyes is blinking.

Except I'm doing two one-eye blinks at once.

Wink.

So you got one and you got one.

No, that's a blink.

Yeah, it's a blink.

No, wink.

Blink.

Blink.

Wink.

Wink.

Then don't take care of it.

Blink.

So I should take care of it?

Wink.

Hey, listen, just 'cause we've said a lot of crazy stuff here, all of this is protected under that lawyer-client confidentiality thing?

I'm not your lawyer, Rafi.

Doctor-patient confidentiality?

I'm not your doctor.

Well, quick, give me a rectal and let's figure this out.

I don't do that.

Okay, fine!

So now I'm at risk?

Got to destroy the evidence.

Whoa, whoa!

(groans) Hey, I'm taking this eagle.

(caws)

He went to medical school for this?

Oh! Oh!

(horn honks)

Oh, my God!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Rafi.

Brian?

(laughs) What are the chances?

You just tried to k*ll me, Rafi!

You almost just d*ed.

I know! You did it!

Oh, my God, you got to be careful.

All right, listen to me.

I will pay you double the money that you lent Taco.

Deal.

But I want it all in change.

'Cause the government can't trace it, and it passes through the human colon intact.

I've got ten dollars of quarters in my belly right now.

It's my mad money.

Fine, fine, okay.

This is over though?

(chuckles) If you say so.

All right, I'll talk to you later, Brian.

What do we got here, huh?

What is this, cinnamon?

d*ck.

I'm coming for you, hat!

Crazy.

Pete the Treat.

What's up, Bill?

We won again.

Yes, we did.

That was a k*ller team.

I feel like Shamara-blasting.

(loudly): Shamara McCreedy Sommers-Jefferson!

All right, j-j... she's-she's our boss.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you say we celebrate with some of the good stuff?

(chuckles)

Chardonnay?

That's right.

They don't call me the King of Chardonnay for nothing, my friend.

Doesn't get any better than this C to the nay-nay.

"C to the nay-nay"?

Who charded? I charded.

Oh, I get it.

Anyway, hey, what do you say we call Steve, the manager of the losing team, for a little trash talk?

Yes, now you're talking.

(chuckles)

Hello?

Hey, Steve, it's, uh... it's Bill and Pete, you know...

What's up, Steve?

...the winners.

That's right.

Hey, we wanted your address.

We're gonna send you a care package.

Care package?

Care package for that shriveled-up little donger of yours 'cause you're gonna be pulling on that pud within an inch of its life tonight.

Wt?

Steve, we'll call you back, buddy.

Okay, so... What are you doing?

"Donger"?

It means "penis."

You can't say that.

You could say "penis" if it's in a medical context.

I'm trash-talking here.

What am I supposed to say?

Fun trash talk, you know?

Like, "Hey, Steve, you know, sorry you lost.

Maybe you'll win next time, you nut."

That... is terrible.

You'll figure it out, all right?

(phone chimes)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Did you trade Jeremy to the Peoria office?

Yes, finally got rid of that guy.

We don't need him on our roster anymore.

His best days are behind him.

We sold high.

What are you doing?

He just bought a house here.

I don't think...I guess I don't think about what happens after they get cut.

We'll-we'll talk about this later.

Jeremy? Jeremy!

Hey, kiddo.

"C to the nay-nay"?

Welcome to the review board, gentlemen.

Dr. Browner.

The other doctors here on the medical review board, thank you for your time.

You know, my client, Dr. Andre Nowzick, stands before you today...

What are you doing?

Standing.

Sit.

Okay.

My client, Dr. Nowzick, stands before you here today...

Sit down.

You just said, "Stand."

Yeah, metaphorically.

Just sit.

My client, Dr. Andre Nowzick, sits quietly here before you today...

Gentlemen, as chief administrator to the University Medical Center, I'm determined to find out what happened during the elective surgery that you performed on Mrs. Shapiro.

A nurse claims that Dr. Nowzick took his personal computer into the operating room.

Oh, my God, Andre.

I know what this is.

No, I know what this is.

Dr. Somakanakram, did you at any point date my client?

Yes.

Did my client, at any point, send you pictures of himself dressed as Sexy Gollum holding on to his little precious?

A sadder "yes."

Did he, at any point, write erotic fan fiction about Avatar mixed with Fifty Shades of Grey and titled it Fifty Shades of Blue? Okay, I object.

I am not on trial here. Yes, you are.

You are, actually. Okay, well, my writing is not on trial here.

Perhaps it should be.

Hello, my friend.

Oh.

(laughing): What's up?

Rafi, why are you dressed like a janitor?

Ah, don't worry about it.

Is that the stuff?

Yeah. Here.

Ooh, yeah, come to Daddy.

Got it?

Ooh. (laughs)

Great. Are we done?

Deal.

Great.

Oh, my God. What...?

Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, my...

Yeah, no...

Oh, my God!

I was just in the morgue.

What?!

You know when people die, they void everything.

Wait, wait, what is this?

Oh, it's everything.

Oh, God, I got to get this off my hands!

Yeah. Good luck, buddy.

I got to find a bathroom.

Here's my question to you, the board.

What would drive a woman like this to date a man who dresses like an Armenian immigrant who's fallen into some money because someone was k*lled at the cell phone store where his brother works?

How can you trust the judgment of a woman like this, who could be so impaired as to allow a man like this to put his bizarre little dingus inside of her?

Sit down!

We are not going to go anywhere until we find out what transpired.

That's exactly what she said every time they had sex.

But that's not why we're here.

My client stands before you today a...

Sit down, Andre!

He... That is confusing!

He told you to sit, you sat.

You tell me to stand, I have to sit?

Sit down.

Okay, fine.

Down.

It's really not hard to understand at all.

Oh, excuse me, it's janitor time.

I make clean now?

That's-that's fine.

Uh...

Okay, thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

(whispering): Guys, it's me.

Rafi.

We know.

Of course.

I'm here to save the day.

What is that?

No!

What...

This bitch here...

(blows raspberry)

No. No.

No, Rafi, you don't need to.

I do this trash near pretty lady doctor now.

No, that's fine.

He can clean where he wants to, okay, guys?

Yes, oh, thank you, pretty doctor lady.

You do not want him cleaning anything.

I clean table. I clean mouth.

You breathe deep.

No, no!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God, Andre!

You breathe deep.

What are you doing?

No, no, no! I must flee!

Enough!

You had my vote, now you don't.

Mrs. Shapiro's going to be here momentarily to show us the damage to her foot, and then this session will be over.

Well, what do we do now?

We'll just sit down.

Oh, really?

Just sit, or should we stand?

Yes, sit down, Andre!

You admit it's confusing, then.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Not again!

(sighs)

Please, just give me some...

(sighs loudly)

All right, baby, I'm gonna turn you on now, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, where's your spot, huh?

They say you got a spot.

Where is it?

Come on, give it to me, come on, come on.

La, la, la, la.

Where is it?

(warbling)

Let it out. Let it out.

(warbling)

My name is Rodney Ruxin.

God, it's disgusting! Ugh!

Hey, Brian! Brian!

Brian!

Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, Rafi.

I paid you your money.

This is over.

I don't want to hear about it.

Taco gave me the money that he owed me.

Plus interest, I might add.

Yeah.

So I can give you this back now.

What? How did you get this kind of money?

He said he stole a bunch of crap from some douche named Kevin's house and sold it on the street.

Yeah.

Oh, God, you know what?

You're out of the will, Taco.

You're done.

Hey, buddy.

What?

Don't leave me hanging.

Oh. Yeah.

When we get in front of the review board, I want them to understand that I have stretch marks on my toes.

It's like I'm walking around on ten used condoms.

You know what, just give me back the money, please.

Here you go.

No, d-don't throw it, Rafi.

Don't... Oh, God!

(yelling)

My toes!

Soap on my hands!

(laughter)

Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

Ow, my toe...

Okay, going away.

(screaming continues)

That's a dead end!

That's a dead end!

Oh, dear.

The-the hospital has bigger foot issues to deal with right now.

Come on.

This case is closed.

What happened?

I came through again.

You two are the luckiest assholes in the whole world.

(Ruxin gasps)

(high-pitched): Shiva Komedi...

Somakanakram!

Yeah.

I'm so sorry about that.

I'm not.

Ow, my toes!

All right.

My toes, my toes.

Just breathe.

(Taco and Rafi sighing)

Will I ever wear sandals again?

Ooh. Aah.

Ow! They will pay for these toes! I want new toes!

Hospital totally dropped the charges against me.

Now Mrs. Shapiro is suing the hospital.

I'm out, scot-free.

I'm happy that you're exonerated.

I'm so happy, I don't even care that Pete b*at me this week.

Yeah, poor son of a bitch is at work, he doesn't even know...

That he's won?!

Oh, yes, he is well aware.

I've got the week-long fantasy juggernaut just waiting to explode.

(makes expl*si*n sound)

Oh, and in your face.

(grunting)

Some for you, Kevin.

But don't worry, gents.

There's plenty of Pete's fizzy jizzy to go around.

That's right, boys. I'm back.

Is there enough fizzy jizz to go around?