06x02 - Tefl-Andre

[bunniefuu]

Kevin: I can't believe it, Doc. I mean... low testosterone ... that doesn't seem like me.

See, I feel like I could eyeball it as soon as you walked in the office.

And the tests confirm it.

I'm gonna give you a prescription for a ... a gel.

I want you to rub that on your upper arms twice a day.

Andro-Lube?

Mm-hmm.

What is this?

It is a highly-concentrated testosterone replacement gel.

So, I just take this, rub it on my shoulders?

That's correct.

How much do I put on?

Based on these results, I would go to town.

Okay.

Just more than an average person might use.

Wouldn't it make more sense just to put it right on the root of the problem?

It might seem that way to a layman, but that is just not how the human body works.

I think it does.

Let me explain it to you as I might explain it to a child.

If you had a headache ...

Mm-hmm.

... you wouldn't rub the aspirin on your temples, would you?

No, because it wouldn't work.

It wouldn't work.

No.

You see? Mm-hmm.

Okay, all right.

Well, are there gonna be any adverse side effects for me?

No, just boners.

I can live with that.

You know I'm gonna put this on my penis, right?

I was almost certain of it.

<b>6x02 - Tefl-Andre</b>

Pete: So I found a detail in Ted's will.

It turns out, we get the beach house only if we replace him.

Yeah, we just need to get another member, that's all.

Which we have to do anyway.

We can't play with seven teams.

I mean, eight is sad enough as it is.

Jenny: Yeah, and we have got to goose up this competition, you guys.

Chuck is in and out of rehab, Taco ...

Taco: Has been very busy with the EBDB. Thank you for that introduction.

Now, I know this league's looking for another warm body, but more importantly, Taco Corp's board is looking for a new member.

One of our founding board members, Doke, drowned in a sewer last week.

Jesus.

Andre: Oh, not Doke.

Told him not to live there, but he loved his toy boat, so what can you do?

Now, as you know, Taco Corp's board is not like this league.

It doesn't take just anybody.

Then how did you get in?

Exactly my point.

Taco Corp has to be better than this.

Better than this!

Stop it!

Let me tell you about the best of the best.

Let's talk about my team.

Guys, are you nervous, excited?

I'm shocked.

I'm bewildered.

Yeah. I mean, you didn't draft a punter in the first round. You didn't draft one commentator.

I know. I thought for sure you'd take Randy Moss.

Andre has turned over a newleaf.

Everything in my life is changing.

Success in all endeavors.

Ruxin: Andre.

All: Hey!

How was the game?

Okay.

Yeah. They got Geoffrey playing a new, awesome position called deep right field.

Well, you know what the problem is? That mitt looks pretty stiff. You know, maybe you got to get some oils and just really massage it, get it a little loose.

You know, like, pound the palm so it feels like it's just gonna kind of explode ...

Okay.

Andre.

Okay.

Geoffrey, so you needed to use the bathroom, bud?

Yeah.

Yeah, he needs to wash away your words.

It's right down the hall.

Splash the seat, okay?

Hey!

Honestly, I'll be lucky if he can even hit the seat.

The kid is wildly uncoordinated.

He's got no feel for the game.

He's got real weak arms.

What do you expect?

He's a Ruxin.

Yeah, and I'd be fine with that, except my firm is sponsoring the team.

So what?

So, they've appointed this douchebag partner named Bethesda to run it, and so if Geoffrey doesn't do well, Daddy doesn't do well.

And if Daddy don't do well, Mommy don't get a new car.

And if Mommy don't get a new car, Daddy don't get his "D" dubbed.

"D" dubbed?

d*ck wet.

Boo.

[toilet flushes]

Hmm. Cool.

All right, well, the season starts in ten days.

We got to find somebody to replace Ted.

Well, we could treat it like your dating life and just ask ten random people and see if anyone bites.

Oh, no, we don't need that, 'cause we need an eighth member, not-above-the-pants hand jobs. Fives?

Fives.

Oh, fives.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is anybody else noticing these Andre slams are a little too clever?

What are you talking about?

Uh, what am I talk ... ?

Look, in my experience, no one gets better at fantasy football, and in the off chance they do, they certainly don't get wittier talking about it.

You trying to get at something here?

Are you sure you're not getting any outside help?

Do I detect a sense of jealousy? Don't worry.

You'll be great once again, but until then, I'll take the mantle.

Success in all endeavors.

I don't know, guys.

Smell something rotten with Tefl-Andre, and it is not just the Pitbull aftershave.

Although, it is also the Pitbull aftershave.

Jay? Come in, Jay.

I think they're onto us, I thimk they're figuring it out.

Andre, calm down, buddy.

You hang oith bunch of jag-offs. Trust me, they haven't figured anything out.

It's not like that group's splitting atoms anytime soon, man.

That's a good one, Jay.

We should totally use that.

What, are you worried I'm gonna run out of material, dude?

Trust me, I got you covered.

You got an easy group of targets.

Jay, I owe you big-time.

You know, if you're ever in Chicago, you could totally crash at my place.

That'll actually never happen.

Hello? Jay? Jay? Must be broken.

So, we have any leads on an eighth or what?

No.

No. I asked The Oracle, but his dad just punched me in the d*ck.

Why don't we just ask Autodraft?

He's always around anyway.

He's already in another league.

Yeah, figures.

We could try Rafi again.

All: No!

Oh, why don't we just ask Russell?

Huh.

Russell?

Wait, the sex addict?

Yeah.

It's not a bad idea.

Look, we don't really have a lot of options at this point.

I don't know, guys.

I mean, I'm flattered, but, no offense, from what I've heard, your league is more of a social thing, right?

Less dependent on knowledge of the game.

Yeah, yeah, it's just a bunch of dumb-dumbs.

No, no. You know what? We don't even want a sex addict in our league anyway.

Excuse me. I'm not a sex addict anymore. I cured myself.

How?

I got off of sex, and now I'm into wine. You can't get addicted to wine.

Of course not. Good point.

Well ...

In fact, you guys got to come check out this wine bar where I'm working. It is super cool.

Wine bar? I'm looking for a place.

Do they have lockers?

'Cause I like to leave my ...

All right, enough, Andre.

Look, are you interested in this league or not? Come on.

I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to be in a shared fantasy with a group of dudes where every single post on the message board is about someone sticking something inside something of someone else's.

But what if it's, like, very well written with historical references, science facts and pop culture ideas?

I'll think about it. By the way, is there any kind of hazing ceremony?

Because that's a real turn-on for me.

No.

No, we'll drop it for this one.

See you guys.

We got him.

We got him on the ropes.

Kevin, your job is to get in there and close this deal.

No, no. Why me?

Why do I have to do it?

You're the commissioner.

And ask him if he wants to be on the board of a successful corporation.

The EBDB could really use someone with his background of having sex with a lot of strangers.

All right, Baby G, we got baseball today. Got your new batting gloves.

No more books, okay?

You got chocolate milk on your ... Whoa!

That is not chocolate milk.

[deep voice]: Get out of my room, Dad.

What are you oiling your glove with?

Andro-Lube?

Testosterone gel?

Geoffrey, are you juicing?

Get out.

God, my son looks like an East German gymnast.

Gentlemen, now, I know this league is still short a man, but Taco Corp has finally decided who its next board member's gonna be.

And that lucky person is ...

No.

Not a chance.

Pete, you're my first choice.

I just saw you point at Kevin, Jenny and Andre before me.

If they said yes, I would have said no. It was a test.

What do you say, Pete?

What the hell?

I will join Taco Corp as a board member.

Really?

Welcome to Taco Corp.

First things first.

There's a board meeting coming up. Please dress nicer than you usually do.

And if you have dr*gs, bring them.

Oh, hey, Kevin, what's up, you human sh*t statue?

Thanks to you, my son has hit puberty.

What?

Yeah. My son's got a huge bush now, like those ladies in those videos you search for on the Web.

Don't look at me like I'm the pervert, okay?

You're the one getting off on what I get off on, and I don't get off on that.

Look at my search history.

'Cause you're not gonna find little women with big bushes.

That's not what I'm into.

I don't know what this has to do with me, Ruxin.

Because my son was oiling his mitt with Andro-Lube.

And who is it prescribed to?

Kevin MacArthur.

"Keep out of reach of children.

May cause puberty to begin."

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and wax my son, you seedless watermelon.

Oh.

What is Andro-Lube?

Are you juicing?

No, I'm not juicing.

I have hypogonadism.

You're allergic to walnuts?

No, I have low "T," low testosterone.

Why would you not tell me that?

Because I didn't want you to think any less of me.

Well, that's impossible. Fives.

Oh, my God.

This is not a joke, Andre.

I know. I'm upset, too. I mean, I lost five dollars to Pete. I thought that Jenny would dry up before you would.

Oh, more fives.

Can we stop with this nonsense, please?

This is a serious medical condition I'm dealing with.

Oh, come on, it's not a serious medical condition.

Yes, it is. I actually think that part of my Sacko season last year was a direct result of my low "T."

Oh, yeah, 'cause you were playing in a dead-ball era.

I had no "T" and I won the Shiva.

Wow, this is a low point for the league.

We're tainted by drug use.

Taco, you are constantly taking dr*gs.

Yeah, but those are performance-decreasing dr*gs. Ho! Fives!

I got to give it up. They're good.

That was pretty funny.

All right, Big J. Be a hitter today!

Be a hitter now! Focus.

Let's go, Baby Geoffrey!

Baby Jeffrey?

Come on, Jeff! Big J!

Come on, fire him up.

His-his name is Geoffrey with a "G."

With a "G"? What is that?

What's your kid's name?

Birth certificate says "Duke" but we call him Big Thunder.

Come on now, Geoff!

Oh! Ow! Yeah!

Way to go, Big G! Holy cow, what have you been doing, extra batting practice with this kid?

Yeah, something like that, something like that.

This is good for everybody.

It's good for the team, it's good for you, it's good for me. We're winning!

All right, so I guess I'm just gonna give ...

Geoffrey more batting practice.

Hey, babe, thank you.

For what?

You know, doing something about your ... issue.

My erections?

Yeah.

You don't mind that I get a little wind-aided erection?

No, are you kidding me?

I'm not the Olympics.

I don't mind an asterisk next to my orgasm.

I give you orgasms?

A couple over the years.

Awesome.

And I will take those orgasms no questions asked, Barry Boner.

Stop it. Don't do that.

Oh, I'm just kidding with you, Sammy So-hard.

[Kevin groans]

Hey, Jenny, Jose Can't-sex-o, need to borrow something real quick. [clicks tongue]

See, when you do that, then he starts to make fun of me and then the ball just keeps rolling.

Thanks for the Andro-Lube, No-Rod.

And, by the way, when she's coming, it's 'cause she's thinking about her ex Ben.

Have a good one!

Still goes on my record.

Hey, Kevin. We're actually closed right now.

We're getting ready to open ...

I know. I just ... I wanted to stop by to talk to you for a second about the league.

I know that you're considering joining, and for whatever it's worth, I just want you to know that these guys, they are the best.

I mean, I came in last place last year, and I still love it.

Well, I tell you, man, I'm thinking about it and I'm leaning towards it.

Okay.

But I'll be honest with you.

For me to relax and have fun ...

Mm-hmm?

... I really need to know that there's a certain level of trust there. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course!

Yeah.

We are all trustworthy people.

Here's what I'm gonna need: I need to have sex with you.

W-What?

I'm sorry. I'm in recovery.

The word I'm supposed to use is "lovemaking."

I'm gonna have to have lovemaking with you.

Uh ...

We're gonna make love with our penises ... and our balls, but mostly our penises.

My-my penis ... I-I have low "T," so ... eesh.

What am I gonna do?

I'm all "T."

I'm gonna make you a hot, steamin'

T"-pot of Earl Grey Russell "T."

Uh, I'm-I'm not a fan of hot liquids.

[whooping, laughing]

You didn't say no!

You were gonna do it.

You were gonna have a spot of Russell!

Wait, wait. Was that not real?

I just needed to know how committed you were.

He gets invited into the league and I get initiated?

This is bullshit, Pete.

Don't look at me.

This was Andre's brainchild.

Yeah.

It just came to me.

And here's another great idea.

Since Russell has to work on Sunday, let's watch the games here and it'll all be on my tab.

Everything but the, uh, Gruner Veltliners. [Russell laughs]

[Taco chuckling]

Here we go, Geoffrey!

Make me and Hudabega proud, kiddo!

[imitates expl*si*n]

This is actually a very sweet father-son moment, just like ... eight years too early.

That's right, that's the Jewish genes in him ... Sandy Koufax, Shawn Green, Geoffrey Lightning Ruxin!

[cheering]

Whoa.

Run, run, run!

[Ruxin laughing]

Roar, roar, roar, roar ...

Yeah!

That's right!

Yeah! [laughs]

Hey, listen, man. I got to tell you something.

I was Sea-Dooing with Hudabega this weekend, up on Lake Michigan.

Yeah?

I told him all about Lightning.

He was jacked.

Yeah!

Okay!

Keep it up, all right?

Yeah-ah!

They grow up so fast.

Just got to make sure I have enough Andro to get me through the playoffs.

Well, if you run out, I do have some replacement testosterone.

Really?

Yeah, it's from a horse.

It's more of a cream than a gel, really.

Enough. No.

I have a ringtone of me making it.

You want me to rub horse jizz all over my son.

The medical term is "horse sploodge."

Right.

Andre: Week one is this Sunday.

We're all gonna be watching together. I need you to just help me out, just a little bit, all right?

When you, uh, donated money to my charity Touchdown Dreams, we said we were gonna spend a day together?

Yeah?

I think this is a big much.

I think our time here is about done.

I still feel we have a couple more hours.

This right here?

Yeah, that's a winner.

That's your ideal lineup.

This is amazing.

That's what I do.

[Andre laughs]

All right, my time here is over.

Uh, actually, Jay, I need you just one more time.

You feed me the lines, right into my ear. And I won't need all your help.

I mean, I got some pretty good slams myself. I mean, I've been ... been writing them down since I've been working with you.

So you're writing down your ad-libs?

We're watching the game and someone's eating chicken, but they drop the chicken, and I go, "Personal fowl!"

That is horrible.

[Cockney accent]: "Hey there, guv'nor, what's the deal here?

Uh, it's me, Jack the Ripper, and I'm slicing up losers."

Did you honestly just use a Cockney accent?

Yeah, 'cause Cockney's tough.

You sound like a horrible performance of Oliver.

I was in a performance of Oliver.

I'm sure it tanked.

Well, it didn't actually ever go out in the public because I got the measles and I wasn't able to perform it. Understudy did it.

That explains a lot.

He was great.

Hey, listen, listen, listen.

I'll help you, with one caveat.

Yeah.

No Cockney.

[with accent]: Even a little?

No.

Hey, Andre?

Oh, sh*t! You got to hide.

I got to hide?

He can't know that we're working together. Go, go, go!

You are k*lling mhitey.

Go, go, go.

Andre.

Oh.

Andre.

And ... send.

Oh, Pete. Uh, what are ... what are you doing here?

What's going on?

You got a girl in here or something?

What? No. [laughing]

Just kidding. I'm obviously joking.

Come on.

But anyway ...

How you doing?

Hi.

I just want to say I'm very happy for you, that you're coming into your own, uh, as a man and as a fantasy football player. And I really, really want to believe that that's what's happening, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Yeah.

That said, I take my role in this league very seriously, despite my carefree demeanor.

What?

What?

Should I discover that there are any, let's say ... shenanigans going on, this will not end well for you.

Capiche?

Capiche.

Okay.

Thank you.

But you're clean, so it's good.

Crystal. I mean, clear ... clear ... I'm clean as a crystal.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Thanks, buddy.

Thanks for ... hanging out.

That was a great hang.

Good.

Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Oh, gosh. All right, you can come out, you can come out.

That was close.

Ooh, subterfuge! Intrigue!

Honestly, that's, like, the lamest spy movie of all time.

That was close, right?

Who cares?

My time here is done.

All right, almost.

Oh, fantastic.

One second.

What?

Before you go, uh, maybe we could grab lunch and then swing by Barney's ...

Where did you get the idea that I ... like you?

Okay.

Okay! I'd like to introduce Taco Corp's newest board member, Pete, no known last name.

Uh, Pete, say hi to your fellow board members.

Hi.

This here's Slick. He's in charge of HR, so if you have any sexual harassment complaints, please see Slick.

Unless, of course, Slick is the offender, in which case you're gonna want to see Gupta over here, who's in charge of accounting and he also supplies napkins and cutlery from his brother's restaurant.

Wow, you're a regular Warren Buffett, Taco. [Taco chuckles]

It's pronounced "Buff-ay."

Pete's gonna head the EBDB expansion. There are a lot of people out there having sex who don't know who their Eskimo brothers are.

Slick, you're writing with the wrong end of the pen there ...

Don't tell Slick what to do.

'Cause then he'll sexually harass you and then you're gonna have to complain to Gupta who's gonna send you right back to Slick, so ...

Got it.

It's week one and we have to watch football at a wine bar with one TV?

How can I watch football watching commercials?

Nice!

Baby Juicin' Geoffrey Ruxin, another grand slam.

They are in the championships.

Well, at least it's working for someone.

Well, it seems like Baby Geoffrey's hitting more home runs than Kev over here, right?

Burn!

Just keep following the game plan, Andre.

All right. This is a Pinot.

And you will notice some serious funk on this ... in a good way.

Grape notes flashing across your nose, subtle notes of leather as if you're maybe, like, biting down on a leather gag, you know?

Oh, what?

That kind of thing.

Okay.

Now this, this is a Northern Californian Syrah.

Just velvety, rich, subtle notes, you know?

Maybe a feeling or a memory as if your hands are bound behind your back with thick, thick rope, maybe your head is being pressed down against a leathery car seat.

There's a little bit of shame, like maybe I did something wrong, maybe I didn't.

[chuckles] I don't know.

And you're getting that from the wine?

Absolutely.

Every wine has a story.

Now, this Burgundy ...

[slurps] ... just let it run down the back of your throat.

For me, it's like an angry rugby team, you know, down in Mexico?

And the lights go out in the locker room and you feel someone diddling with your holes, but you're not upset.

Russell, I'm not a wine guy.

These descriptions are fairly explicit.

The customers have responded so positively.

It makes wine more approachable.

Uh, no. You just made it slutty.

If you want slutty, you got to try some of this Brunello I'm gonna bring out.

This Brunello? It's like butt sex.

Ew!

I'm excited, Russell.

Oh, great. Another touchdown.

I'm gonna lose week one to Andre.

Oh, yeah! Look at that!

Andre is one and oh ... yeah!

Ha-ha!

This season started like last season ended: with you being a loser!

You know what, Kevin?

You know what you are?

You are ... You are ...

What, Andre?

Just-just say it, please, all right?

Don't drag it out over the course of the week.

You know what? I'm gonna take it easy on him.

You've been on a roll, man. Let him have it.

Come on, Andre, drop your load right here.

Do it!

Now, let him have it!

Let's hear the insults, come on.

[deep voice]: Finish him!

[Cockney accent]: You better call the magistrate 'cause Jack the Ripper's out ...

What?

... and he's cutting up losers ...

[chuckles]

What are you doing?

So, you better get out.

We can't hear you ... your Cockney's in your mouth.

Please, try that again.

[laughter]

That was a good one.

All right, anybody need a refill over here?

You know, Russell, thank you for your friendship.

It's been great to get to know you better.

I got to say, Andre, it's been exactly what I needed.

I know that when I'm hanging around you, there no chance of me having sex with anyone.

Andre, you cured sex addiction!

Congratulations! [laughter]

Hey, hey,, what are we doing?!

What are we doing?!

It wasn't working.

I told you ... tap out, abort!

Earpiece out!

I thought I had it.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing, Jay Glazer?

I do a lot of charity work.

What?

He's charity.

But without the write-off.

Well, we'll just ... we'll hang out a different time ...

No, we won't, actually, we won't. Hey, I'm giving him back to you guys, you guys are stuck with him.

Well, I'll text you.

No, you won't.

Don't lnstagram me, don't text me ...

DM?

Don't DM ... nope, nope, nope. Nothing!

All right, well, I'll hit you up on Linkedln.

No, you won't!

Okay.

Andre, you outsourced your team and your slam list?

The only surprising part was he used Jay to keep a secret, 'cause usually it's Andre that's Deep Throat.

[laughs] The load all over the face.

Oh, man. This league seems like so much fun. I'm super psyched to be a part of it, guys. I just found this Bordeaux blend down in the cellar. It's like being locked in a bear's den who's been hibernating all winter, and the bear wakes up and he's hungry for one thing: pubes.

Oh, that sounds good.

It's late in the game, man.

We're down by two.

We win the championship?

Yeah?

Ooh, let me tell you something ... you're gonna be the hero of the office.

And we're gonna party like animals.

Me, you, Hudabega, Ski-Doos!

Don't push it, all right?

Just make sure he gets a hit.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, order is restored.

Tefl-Andre is no more.

Thank goodness.

You hit a home run, you get an ice cream sundae, Daddy's in a new tax bracket, okay?

I just think that gel is a joke, it's a scam, it doesn't work.

Holy sh*t!

He's a puberty monster!

What is this?

He's like a six-year-old Tom Selleck.

Geoffrey, P.I.

Puberty had to happen at some point.

It's like LeBron James, you know, just developed early.

Batter up!

All right, go get them.

All right, Lightning!

Let's go strike!

Here we go, Baby Geoffrey.

Here we go, Baby G.

[crowd cheering]

[laughing]

Aw, man, that was a good sh*t.

Look at him go, man.

Oh, God, look at his pits.

[Pete laughs]

His pits look like he's got Don King in a headlock.

[cheering continues]

[pants rip]

I ripped my pants.

That's okay.

Ruxins are champions!

Champions! Yeah!

[crowd gasps]

Are those ... ?

Yeah. Giant, meaty clackers!

Damn! What the hell are you feeding this kid, Dad?

Those aren't the normal sized balls of a six-year-old boy.

Geez, manscape this wildebeest!

This game is forfeited!

Come on!

What are you talking about?!

You know ...

Hey! Hey!

You just screwed the office.

You know that?

No!

Yeah, you just cost us the championship.

You and your son with his 19-year-old balls.

We have meaty clackers!

They run in the family!

Let me tell you something.

This is you. [blows]

Yeah.

What?

That's your whole career.

No! No! I'm right here!

I'm right here!

Uh-uh. You are sh*t.

What about the Sea-Doo with Hudabega?

sh*t.