07x02 - The Draft of Innocence

[bunniefuu]

Andre: No, no, no, you're gonna love this place.

It's not Brazilian, it's Portuguese.

What's the difference?

There's no cassava.

Guys, you're gonna love it.

All right... (clearing his throat) I'm...

I believe I have the 6:30 to 7:30 shift.

You do. Andre, it's time to go.

Have you guys met?

Pete, this is Andre.

He's putting his weird little wizzle into your ex-wife.

You know what? It's fine.

I'm gonna leave. I have a date anyway with...

Uh-uh, dah, dah, dah.

Well, can I at least just tell you that it's a pop-up restaurant celebrating cumin?

No. No, no, you cannot.

Okay, well, it is.

Thank you.

Can we please make sure that person is gone before I arrive? Thank you.

I will try, but, I mean, it's August.

How long is this thing gonna go on for?

Pete, Ndamukong Suh is on the Dolphins.

Jimmy Graham is on the Seahawks.

Meegan is on the Andres.

Don't want to hear it.

Maybe you're just upset that she's upgraded at the position.

No, I'm upset because this whole thing makes me look bad, okay?

Years ago, I climbed Mount Meegan when that meant something.

But now, apparently, anyone with an Ed Hardy parka and, like, DeLeón Tequila carabiners can just mount her?

Well, maybe it's just that you and Andre are Meegan's type.

That's my problem.

Her being interested in him makes me retroactively douchey.

No. No. No. Peter, you are actively douchey.

Yeah, proactively.

Coming in hot.

Gorgeous.

Kevin: All right, now that we got food, it is time to pick the draft order.

Let's do this!

Hey, Russell, how you been, man?

How's that sex addiction treating you?

Just trying to take it one day at a time, which is all I can do.

That and, of course, stay away from cheese, especially Manchego, that... temptress.

Kevin: Let's get back to the draft order, please.

Your champion... has arrived!

Please put away that unsightly helmet.

This year, we'll be choosing our order from one of my lucky fedoras.

Kevin, tell Andre we don't need a hat and that I will be drafting first because you all lied to me.

Andre: Kevin, can you please tell Peter that I did not lie to him about my relationship with Meegan.

And my relationship has nothing to do with our draft order.

Ruxin, would you ask Andre to forgive me?

I have a hard time trusting him when he put a Kn*fe in my heart.

Andre, Pete says that that sweatshirt vest makes you look like a moderately successful Vine star.

Ruxin, please tell Peter that a moderately successful Vine star is still a force to be reckoned with in this new social media world.

No.

Okay, Jenny, will you explain the...?

No.

Kev...

What do you think, bro?

Okay, how about this?

Will you sing a battle rap?

You're smarter than that, Andre.

Put your phone away.

It'll be like you're in 8 Mile.

Hey, guys.

Pete: Thank you, Taco.

I appreciate it very much.

Andre, can you tell Pete that choosing him over Andre was a no-brainer?

Works for me.

Kevin: This year I want to propose a few rule changes. We talked about doing an auction-style draft.

Correct? Everyone's into that?

All: Yes.

Pete: Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah. Good.

And the draft is September 5.

Mark your calendars, because this year, we're going back in time to the 1890s to the Gilded Age!

Ugh. Ugh. No.

Theme draft?

And everyone must come in appropriate attire.

No.

Costumes?

I love the '90s.

I'm gonna go as Kurt Cobain.

No, no. 1890s.

You know, the draft is my favorite day of the year, and now I don't even want to attend.

Ruxin, would you please tell Andre he's the Grinch of fantasy football?

Andre, Pete says that you are the metrosexual plastic surgeon who stole draft day.

I assume you all will be there, though.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna have to do it over speakerphone.

I would love to spend 15 rounds with you guys in period costumes, but I'm supposed to go to Wisconsin that weekend to see some friends.

Wisconsin? A lot of cheese there, huh?

Is there? I-I wouldn't know.

There's a whole week there called Cheese-a-Palooza, I believe.

Is that a real event? Because no one told me about that.

Taco: I don't understand.

You specifically told me you were going tor Cheese-a-Palooza.

(whispering): Shut your mouth, Taco.

Pete: This whole thing makes no sense.

How is she with him?

How does she not know the Andre we know?

The same one who video blogs about Don Henley and magic...

Oh.

...and gets his arm stuck in toilets and ends up in an abusive relationship with his cat.

Don't worry about it. She's gonna find all that out.

I'm... Well, I...

Gentlemen, as you know, I've been incubating my next big idea in my Taco t*nk.

You mean hot boxing in a storage container?

After careful study of eating, Taco t*nk has discovered that over the past few centuries, there have been many advances in food technology.

However, there have been very few advances in napkin technology.

Oh, I thought this was gonna be stupid.

Introducing... the napkin glove.

Put it on when you're having a meal.

And what's that?

You got a little spaghetti sauce on your mouth?

No problem.

Tada! All clean.

Pathetic patent pending. But that's not all. It comes in a variety of styles and colors.

Pete: Great work, Steve No Jobs.

So, Kevin, are you busy tonight? You want to do something?

I can't tonight. I have a school fund-raiser.

All: Cheers.

To our first couples dinner.

All: Cheers. Cheers, everybody.

Amazing. I think I have to do a toast to our first toast.

Yeah, I can do... toast to our first toast.

Cheers!

All: Cheers.

Did you talk to Pete about tonight?

No. This night never happened.

I wish this night never happened.

I told him we were at a parent-teacher conference.

I told him we were at a fund-raiser.

Why would you tell him that?

Because I want him to think we have money.

Meegan, it makes me so happy to see you happy.

Yes.

Oh, thank you. You know what? I really am.

I am. We just have so much in common. We both...

I know.

...love costumes.

Oh, my gosh.

We love theme nights, and we love...

Both: Accents.

Sofia: Oh.

Oh.

Oh, we're super good at it.

She puts my Cockney to shame.

It's not the only place she puts it.

Actually, you guys, the thing that I love most...

Mm-hmm.

...about this guy...

His multiple malpractice suits?

We're both sapiosexual.

Yeah.

Both: Sapiosexual.

I'm sorry. What's that?

Oh, it's when one partner likes to stick their finger...

No. No, no no.

That's what I thought it was.

Sapiosexual means that the most attractive feature that we find in each other is our intelligence.

Both: Mmm... boom.

Is it possible that she has made Andre more annoying?

I think it is.

Yes. Boom!

Andre: Hey, guys, guys?

A little fearless feedback-- it's not gonna work.

No.

Yeah, not with you two.

What?

Andre: Yeah.

Bread for the table?

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're never gonna lose weight eating like that.

Ruxin, what's wrong?

No bread?

He's just a little gordito.

We can't see his wee-wee.

We can see it.

Meegan: So, are you guys excited? Because it's almost draft time!

Andre: What, what, what?!

I can't believe that you are into fantasy football now.

So into it.

That's crazy.

Sofia, you've got to do it.

Really?

Yes. Nah.

Oh, my God, it's so much fun!

What do you think?

Nah.

Guys, couples league. (gasps)

Aah.

Meegan and Andre: Yes!

Both: That would be so fun!

Aah!

Andre: My lady kills it in fantasy.

Oh.

Honey, drop some knowledge on them.

I think that you guys are insane to go running back, running back with your first two picks.

What I would suggest doing is going wide receiver, wide receiver.

Where was that sh*t seven years ago?

Andre: You should check out her mock drafts.

She's k*lling it.

Jenny: You know, Meegan, Andre was telling us about his plans for the draft.

We didn't realize you two were so into the Gilded Age.

Meegan and Andre: Ah.

The Gilded Age.

Age.

Meegan: We just love it!

Oh, and you know what? Andre has been studying the ancient art of bartitsu.

Andre and Meegan: Bartitsu.

I can't put my finger on the language, but I believe it means "ultimate sadness."

More like "ultimate gentlemen fighting."

See, it's the Victorian art of self-defense.

And a true gentlemen must be able to defend himself only with the items on his person.

Be they...

A cane.

Be they...

A parasol.

Be they...

A snuffbox. (sniffs)

So it's like kung fool.

Or tae kwon douche.

Ooh, dinner is served.

A toast to our first dinn...

Oh.

No. No, no. No, no.

Fresh ground pepper, sir?

Uh, yes, please.

Say when.

You know what? Why don't you just leave it here?

I can't do that, sir, but I'd be happy to give you as much as you'd like.

Well, I might want more later, so how about you just leave the grinder on the table, and I'll just use it at my whim?

Oh, if you want more pepper later, you can use the pepper that's on the table.

That's what it's there for.

That's the trash pepper, and that's why it's on the table.

You got the good stuff, and I want to be in control of the good stuff.

Well, I can't leave it here. I'm sorry.

Honey, I think you've had enough pepper.

Quiet.

I see that waitress right there.

She's grating cheese.

Am I gonna have to go through the same rigmarole when I want some cheese?

With all due respect, sir, going to a restaurant is itself a rigmarole.

If you don't want the pomp and circumstance of being served by professional wait staff, you can go home and eat cat food over the toilet for all I care, but while you're here, I will grind your pepper.

You know what, I've overreacted.

You're the king of the grinder.

I'd like a little more, please.

Say when, sir.

No!

I say when. I say when. I say when. I say when.

I say when! I say when! I say when! I say when!

(exhales)

Would anyone else like any fresh ground pepper on their entree?

No.

That waiter was a psychopath, the way Oh, my God. he kept staring at us all night.

I wanted pepper on everything, and I was too afraid to ask him for...

Oh, my God!

Me, too. Oh, my God!

Sorry to scare you. It's just me, the seventh wheel.

Pete...

No... No, Pete.

That's not true. No?

No.

Where you been?

We were... we were on a date.

We were dating.

Oh, really? 'Cause I thought it was... a parent-teacher conference.

Or maybe a fund-raiser.

I mean, come on, Kevin, you don't have that kind of money.

How could you go to dinner with them?

What's your excuse? Let me hear it. It better be good.

Well, they invited us.

I was just hungry.

You just bought yourselves two one-way tickets off Team Pete.

Now go to your room.

What? What, you're just gonna hang out here?

Well, SportCenter's on. He said go to your room!

Oh, my God!

And when Tall Guy says, "Go to your room," you go to your room.

You're in trouble.

What are you doing here, Rafi?

Um, just hanging out behind the couch, like normal.

But I'm also mad, because I wasn't invited to dinner either.

Rafi, it was a couples dinner.

So? I could've brought my very serious girlfriend.

What?

Who?

Have you guys not met Margaret?

Oh, my God.

It's very serious.

But is it consensual?

This was.

This wasn't.

Pete: Oh, God.

Okay. Let's go to bed.

You know what, let's all go to bed.

All go in the room.

We talked about it afterwards, and she said it felt good.

They loved you.

Ooh.

"Andre and Meegan invite you to the Draft of Innocence"?

"Prepare yourself for an Oscar Wilde night.

Please RSVP for you and your guest"?

A plus-one?

I got to bring Sofia?

Andre, you rancid ass cookie.

Sofia: During the draft, you have to make sure that you take the time to explain everything to me.

Uh-huh.

'Cause I really want to help. I really want to participate.

And you've done, like, a little bit of research?

No, I haven't done research.

It's just a football draft.

(chuckles) You do a pick, then I do a pick.

So you want to alternate picks.

Yeah. Also, you have to promise me that if I get bored in the middle of it or if I don't like the food or something like that, that we can just go to dinner.

So you want to leave in the middle of the draft.

Yeah. Your friends can do that picky thing for you.

And who would you suggest would pick my team?

Oh. You get Andre to do it. He loves you, and he's the champ.

I'm gonna get dressed. It's gonna be fun.

And we're gonna be a little late.

What?

(phone rings)

Yeah. If we miss the first three rounds, there's still 12 left.

Hola, Mami. ¿Cómo está?

Yeah, 'cause there are no important picks in the first three rounds. (sobbing)

I need my stress meds.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Hmm?

No! Papi!

(spitting)

My papi. My papi had a stroke.

What?

Oh. He's in the hospital. Mami wants me to go to Puerto Rico right now with Geoffrey.

So does that mean that you're gonna miss the draft?

Papi's in the hospital! I'm gonna have to do all the picks on my own?

(sobbing): Oh, God!

(crying)

(whispers): Thank you.

Okay, well, let's get you packed, have some good-bye sex, and go to the airport.

Let's not worry about whether you finish or not.

You have so much on your mind.

(old-timey music playing)

Meegan and Andre: Welcome to the Draft of Innocence.

There'll be romance...

Intrigue...

And old-timey drinks.

Old-timey drinks.

Andre, you couldn't rent out the whole place?

I ran into someone I work with at the valet. Taco, did you perm your hair?

Andre had his hair guy sent to my apartment this morning.

What? Why do you have a hair guy?

I love Boris.

Oh, gosh.

And your costume is amazing.

There's no zipper in the pants. So I just go, right?

No, Taco, we have to return them.

Oh. Well, I'd return 'em in a plastic bag.

Okay. Well, there's Sazerac in the lounge.

Enjoy yourself.

Later I'm gonna clean your urethra with this thing.

Say it in a Cockney accent.

Meegan: Pete!

Hi! Welcome.

Hello.

Listen, guys, I want to apologize for how off I've been these past few months. I mean, it's been a lot for me to digest, and I just want to say I wish you guys the best.

Thank you. That's so great.

Oh.

Okay. Oh, cane, cane, cane!

Get in here. Get in here. Get in here.

Andre, cane, cane. Okay, okay.

All right.

Anyhow, the way I see it is, this is a draft. Let's have fun. - Exactly.

So much fun. - All right, guys, see you inside. Oh, yeah, no, uh, one thing.

The invite had a plus-one, so...

Yes.

I brought a date, if that's okay.

That's fantastic.

Love it.

Ah! What's up, dildos?! (chuckles)

Rafi. What?

Who are you?

Uh, that's actually my girlfriend.

For the evening, right?

How much you paying for this experience?

I'm not paying for any of it.

What? No.

My name is Meegan.

Hello, Meegan.

Me Rafi.

(chuckles) (chuckles)

Tell you what, why don't we go get some food.

What were you saying about those oysters on the way over?

Ooh, I love oysters.

'Cause it's like little salty pussies on a shell.

Pete: Mmm.

(licking sounds)

Just pick 'em up and I, like, get in there, like, mmm.

Mmm. But I don't eat 'em. 'Cause they're gross. So I put 'em back.

Okay. You know what, why don't you go into the sitting room.

Get-get into the sitting room. Get to it, buddy.

All right. I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for inviting me, bro.

Hey, who wants to fight?!

I know that you think this is a hilarious prank, but it's not.

It's gonna backfire right in your face.

I don't have a problem with your date.

You shouldn't have a problem with mine.

Mmm.

Enjoy.

Mmm.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Jenny: Ruxin, I'm so sorry about your father-in-law.

Yeah, he gave us a real scare.

Thought I was gonna have to draft with my wife here.

(chuckles)

Send Sofia our best.

Yeah.

We all cope in our own way.

All right, it's time to draft.

Russell's gonna be on speakerphone, but I have not heard from Chuck.

Actually, he just sent a video.

Check it out.

Hey, guys. So sorry but I'm gonna have to bow out of the draft.

As you can see, I'm dealing with some other issues.

What?

Oh, no.

I like the hat.

Yeah, I, uh, felt a sharp pain every time I sat in gum.

Doctors found a lump in my gum.

Turns out I have cancer of the gum. Uh, the doctors have given my gum six months to live.

He's gonna lose his gum.

Yeah, pack'll be empty.

I am bored.

So I'm gonna, you know, take that gum everywhere.

(chuckles) You know, I'm gonna sit in the-the pyramids, the Great Wall of China, and, you know, God willing, Ruxin's sweet, sweet head one last time.

It's his Make-A-Wish.

Go and make that happen, Ruxin.

Enjoy the draft.

Sit in some for me, huh?

That is the most depressing final wish I've ever heard.

Where we gonna find an eighth team now?

Fine, I'll join.

Jenny: What?

We don't have time to find an eighth guy.

Here's a thought. What if we make it completely random, like, we just flip a coin for each decision?

We could call it the Coin, and we see if we can b*at Random.

Any questions we have for that team, we just flip the Coin.

It's the Coin, yeah.

Great.

Or we can get a wolf.

(bell tinkles) Dinner is served.

Does the napkin glove go to the left or the right of the fish Kn*fe?

Taco, no.

As we draft, we dine.

Great. Let's go.

Time to eat.

(indistinct chatter)

It's not a buffet.

It's assigned seating, actually.

Ruxin, that butter is for the entire table.

You can't take the whole bottle of wine.

Did everyone get a napkin glove?

What's going on, Raf? No food.

Everything here looks like sh*t.

Plus, I bring my own food, bro.

Oh, pocket dog. That's right.

No, this is a crotch-et dog.

Oh, got it.

I keep it in my crotch so it stays hot.

♪ ♪

Now, I have only one thing to say to you.

(speaking indistinctly)

What?

Huh?

I'm sorry, who?

(speaking indistinctly)

Can't understand you.

Ruxin: Can't understand you.

Le'Veon Bell, Le'Veon Bell.

Five dollars.

Five dollars, okay, do I see ten?

Ten.

Ten. Do I see 15?

15. Do I see 20?

20.

I see 20, do I see 25?

25.

I see 25, do I see 30?

Kevin: $35.

$35.

Do I see 40?

40.

$40. Do I see 45?

A dollar.

A dollar.

Taco, this is not how it works.

Sorry.

What is a dollar?

45.

47.

47. Do I see 50?

Sold to Pete Eckhart!

And now may my sticker maiden place the name on the board.

Jamaal Charles.

I got my Gronk.

My Gronki-Gronk.

LeShaun McCoy, sold to the sh*t Pail!

Oh, yeah!

Suck it!

Oh, my God.

Jenny: Ugh.

We got Amari Cooper.

Nice pick.

Yeah, great pick.

Oh!

Both really know how to find that hole.

Point of order-- when are we gonna stop doing just football players, right? Like, w... I need a Filipino housemaid and I need a little Thai he-she kid for sex.

It's not that kind of auction.

It's not?

This looks like a bunch of white people bidding on minorities, dressed in old-timey clothes.

Andre: You, well...

This is a sl*ve auction, Andre.

No.

We're all cool with that, right?

It's not a sl*ve auction.

But everybody's black on the auction block.

Not everyone is gonna be black.

They...

We're gonna get some kickers in here eventually.

Have you sold any white people yet?

We're gonna get to it in the later rounds.

We're... at running backs.

Kevin: No.

No.

I would like to buy a vowel, please-- S.

S? You got to pick a player, Taco.

Fine. Are there any kickers left?

Yeah.

All of them.

Okay, I'll take my Eskimo brother Sebastian Janikowski for one dollar.

That actually makes sense.

Any takers?

One dollar.

No one? All right, going once, going twice.

Five dollars.

Five dollars going once, going twice.

Still no one?

Ten dollars!

Taco... what are you doing?

What are you doing?

$12.

You got this, okay?

Who is $20?

$20 for Sebastian Janikowski, no other takers on the table...

25.

Why are you doing this?

I'd like to phone a friend, please.

You don't need to phone a friend.

That's the wrong game.

Who would you phone?

Pete.

He's right beside you.

You don't have to use a phone...

Pete: Hello?

Hi, Pete.

Uh, should I go up?

If you want this player, you got to get him.

All right.

Thanks, Pete.

$150, final answer.

Really? We're letting him do this?

Going once, going twice...

Oh, things a Cobb salad would say!

Andre: What?

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

No, in what context would a Cobb salad say "going once, going twice"?

Lettuce just say that you are bacon something egg-cellent.

That is something a Cobb salad would say.

Nailed it. How does that feel, you piece of garbage?

Okay, the winner for Sebastian Janikowski is Taco.

Yeah!

Just a reminder-- you only have 50 fantasy dollars left.

Oh, that's fine, I'll just borrow some from Kevin.

No.

Andre, are you gonna draft anyone?

I just got too caught up in the auctioneering.

We got to start over.

All: No.

So screwed.

Andre, this draft has blown up in your face like a firework in Jason Pierre-Paul's hand.

Who's that?

He plays for the Giants.

Got it.

Okay. Andre, get out of the way.

I'm gonna show you idiots how it's done.

What is that?

Okay, here we go.

No, no, no, no! (gasps)

Rafi... Next item on the block, Ming Wu. Oh, my God. The hell are you doing, man?! Come on, time to go to work, honey, time to go to work.

Let's go. The floor is open.

I'm taking bids.

Ma'am, are you a kicker? She kicks.

Show him how you kick.

(speaking foreign language)

We're not auctioning off a woman.

Show him a kick.

Why? You auctioned off all these men.

Why can't I auction a woman off?

That is misogyny, a word I was recently told.

Come on, guys, who's bidding?

Let's go, let's go.

(shouting) Oh, do not start with me.

How dare you?

Ma'am, ma'am... ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.

(yells in foreign language) She has put a curse on all of us.

Andre: What the hell was that, Rafi?

You know what, I thought you guys were cool and wanted to have an auction.

Guess not, so suck it.

Okay, can we just finish this? Yes.

Does anyone else have anyone they'd like to auction?

Oh, yeah, I got something. Okay, sure, go ahead. What do you got?

Jenny: Whoa!

Where did you get that? No.

What is your arm doing in a toilet?

I was fishing out a contact lens.

Out of a toilet?

It was a hard contact.

You look like an extra from A Different World.

We're not offering up personal items.

I'd like to bid ten dollars on that picture, please.

20 to have it framed. 20.

30 to have it destroyed. 30.

40 to make a T-shirt out of it.

50 to make it my team page.

No, no, no! Pete, I know what you're doing, okay?

And you're wrecking this Draft of Innocence.

Oh, please, Andre, this draft is like the Pro Bowl, okay?

Everybody's here, but frankly it sucks.

You, sir, have besmirched my honor and the honor of my paramour.

(gasps) Ooh. (Ruxin laughs)

I challenge you to a duel.

Ooh!

No. This is bullshit, and I'm out of here.

Enjoy your new guy. No, I challenge you to a duel, you can't just walk out.

Pete, it's a duel!

Pete.

Pete, we must duel.

I don't have to do anything, Lord Andre.

I am the champion, I make the rules, I say we duel.

You cannot besmirch someone's honor and then not duel! I'll besmirch the whole g*dd*mn thing, Andre.

♪ ♪

Who are they?

Yeah, I think this might have something to do with Ming Wu.

Let me handle this. I got this.

Hi there. Uh, I think there's been a little bit of a misunderstanding here.

Oh! Oh... Oh, oh, oh, sh*t. (groaning)

My good man, I did not want to resort to physical v*olence.

But you leave me no choice. Ha!

(all grunting)

(Jenny shrieks)

(yells)

Aah!

Ooh! Bartitsu!

I warned you, my good man.

A dollar.

(yells)

Put your d*ck in his mouth, Andre!

Shame him!

Andre, he's got a mop. Aah!

Oh!

Meegan: Ooh! Oh, he's got a Kn*fe!

Yes! (shrieks)

Five dollars.

Somebody k*ll somebody!

I want to see a ghost!

(yelling)

Oh!

Ah...

Mm.

Mm.

This thing works pretty well.

Ooh! (gasps) Whoa!

Jenny: Snuffbox!

$20, final answer.

(grunting)

Assistance!

Here! Pocket dog?

Here!

(grunting)

(groans)

(gasps) Holy sh*t.

Shall we get back to the draft?

My hero. Our hero.

I'm switching to Team Andre.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick. So...

Are we gonna ookie-cookie all over this guy's face, or what?