07x10 - The Block

[bunniefuu]

I put in my time, paid my dues, now I got a sh*t to ref in the big leagues.

Kevin: Really?

Community college.

Wow, Pete, way to go. You're really breaking through that striped ceiling.

I got to be on my "A" game, man.

These guys don't mess around.

Gonna go practice my moves in the mirror.

I've been noticing that my double dribble signs have been looking like bongos.

It's sloppy.

Gentlemen.

I've got a big announcement to make.

Pete, you're gonna want to stick around for this.

Agree to disagree.

Uh... I've made a big decision.

You're gonna want to hear this. I'm retiring from sex due to concussions.

What are you saying?

I know a lot of football players are retiring due to head trauma, and I feel the same way about sexual intercourse.

Why are you getting concussions during sex?

Oh, Kevin.

Your sex life is so sad.

Taco, sex is arguably the only thing you're good at.

Trust me, I love the game. But I got to protect the old noggin.

What-what are you doing?

Ladies, listen up.

I regret to inform you that I will not be able to have sex with you tonight.

I'm retiring from sex.

So, aside from the occasional morning wood, this penis shall remain flaccid.

However, if you are interested in two minutes of missionary or some creepy spooning with no penetration...

No.

...please feel free to talk to my friends over here.

Get off the bar!

What is wrong with you?

What are you gonna do with all your free time now?

Well, first things first--

I'm gonna throw a retirement party.

Bartender, sh*ts.

(whoops)

Let's celebate.

What... Celebate?

Celebrate celibacy.

You know what, Taco, I'm proud of you.

Putting your mental health in front of everything else.

Thank you.

Let's get wasted.

(laughs) There it is.

Sofia: It's just a little mommy makeover down there so that when I get home, everything is extra special.

I'm not entirely comfortable with a Puerto Rican doctor staring at your sweet "V," but I don't mind the results.

It's really no big deal.

Aw, Jesuchristo.

I did it-- I did it after I had Sofia.

Mami...

Wish you'd had it sealed up entirely before you had Rafi.

Ma, please. It's gonna feel better.

Supple, more s...

Mami, please, shh, shh.

I get it!

Mom... I just have to make sure you know it's gonna be tighter. (groans)

Kevin: How psyched are you guys for the series finale of The Block?

Not at all. I don't watch that show.

Neither do I.

How can you not watch the show?

Seven years.

We have been watching it from episode one, back before Netflix.

Kevin: Yeah, during the commercials...

Ah, ah, ah-- listening to people talk about a show you don't watch is like listening to people talk about a fantasy league you're not in.

Maybe I should start watching this stupid show.

Now that I'm retired, I got plenty of time.

I need to start wasting my life away like you guys.

You're retired?

Yup.

Threw in the old come towel.

Ew.

Kevin: What are you gonna do all day, Taco?

Well, it's important to spread the word about the dangers of sex. Maybe my story can help save someone else.

Dangers of sex?

You wear a condom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't want to k*ll a fly with a shotgun.

Plus, a condom's not gonna protect you against a cockcussion.

Okay, Les Welker.

♪ Womp, bam, bam, bam-bam, bam, bow. ♪

Guess who got laid last night.

The guy who plays Khal Drogo?

Maybe, but I also had my own Game of Bones.

Let's just say all the girls came down to my King's Landing.

Oh, God, Andre. Aw.

Pete: Okay.

I know you're all dying for details, but a gentleman never tells.

Pete: Fair enough. But fortunately for you, last night was no night for a gentleman.

So I was hanging with my bros, you know, the T to the O and MacArth Vader

Andre, you are the best!

Andre, your jokes are so funny.

Andre: And I had to bid them adieu.

Guys, I got one thing to say to you.

Hasta la vista, baby.

(imitating g*nshots) Oh, oh, no!

Oh!

(laughing)

Kevin: No way.

That's not what happened at all.

Hasta le vista, baby.

Both: (bleep) you.

Schwarzenegger.

Terminator. Guys...

Kevin: Yeah, choke on it.

Andre: I was too drunk to drive home, so I called an Uber. I slid in and let the games begin.

I mean, The Hunger Games parody movie, The Sex Games.

We were just having this witty back and forth.

Oh, my gosh, I like your cap.

I got a cap.

You've got great taste in general.

Eh.

I feel like I could just talk to you about anything.

Ah...

We're, like, on the same page.

Like, we're on the level.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're there, together, right now.

Wait, what?

So I decided to make my move.

Let me tell you something.

"People are people."

Depeche Mode.

(sneezes)

(groans)

One thing leads to the next, and... (blows raspberry)

Oh, God.

You totally get me.

What? What are you doing?

Come to mama.

(grunting) You're mine!

Andre: We're getting sloppy.

Reason why you should never get cloth seats-- leather. Easier to... (clicks tongue) ...clean.

(Kevin groans)

Is this is a one-night stand?

Aah, aah, aah! Yes! You bet it is, baby!

I've never done this before.

Aah!

This is so cool!

Take me from behind!

What? What?

You are like a better-dressed, more street-smart Steve Harvey!

Really?

That's what I was going for!

Get in my hole!

(whooping, screaming)

(honking)

Yes, yes! Yes!

(growls): Yes!

Andre was on top form.

If she was rating me, she'd give me five stars.

And I would give her four.

Wait, why would you give her a four-star review?

I didn't like the route she took.

I felt it was a little circuitous.

Oh, man.

Yeah. Nice gym.

Man: Short bursts... (imitates whistle)

About the infraction.

Long bursts... (imitates whistle)

Then it becomes about you.

Hey, new guy.

Hey. Hey, Pete Eckhart.

Dave.

Dave, nice to meet you, Dave. Pete Eckhart.

My name's Pete.

Uh, Pete.

So...

Right on. You guys must be big sports nuts, huh?

You guys into fantasy?

(chuckles) Fantasy? Like Peter Pan?

You know what I'm really into?

Controlling a young man's destiny with the blow of a whistle.

In reality.

With real people.

Well, we'll see you out there.

Okay.

Good talk, good talking to you guys.

Wrapping it up.

Oh, man, it's gonna be amazing.

I've been waiting seven years for the final episode of...

Both: The Block!

(laughing)

Tell me about it.

Oh, my gosh...

You guys, uh, fans of The Block?

Yeah!

You like The Block?

I am the biggest fan.

I have seen every episode.

Oh, my God.

Shut up. In fact, I was watching before it was on Netflix.

I got all my friends into it.

Started in season one, and then, um...

Let him know, let him know!

I don't know.

Oh!

Bam!

Right, 'cause that guy's on The Block.

Agent Baker is my spirit animal.

He shaped, really, my whole essence as a man.

I watched the show all the way through three times, and then I realized, "What if I watch it backwards?"

No way.

I've been going forward, looking for Easter eggs. I didn't think of going backwards, looking for egg Easters. Ideally, you would synch it up with the second half of Dark Side of the Moon and Wizard of Oz playing in the background.

Shut your hole.

What are you doing for the finale?

Uh, you know, I was just gonna, you know...

I know where you're watching it.

I do, too!

Here.

With us!

You're gonna share your theories.

You've gone further down the rabbit hole than anyone we hang out with.

I am incredibly far down the rabbit hole.

♪ ♪

Oh, that Uber is quick.

Hey. I am just going to...

Hey, Andre.

Good to see you.

Hey.

Do you want a drink? I brought you a little champagne.

A little champers.

Uh, I don't know if I should actually be drinking.

Cheers. (laughs)

Wait.

You jus... Wait. Whoa! Hey!

(tires squeak)

Are you supposed to be drinking and driving?

Good one.

Oh, my God, it's so good to see you again.

Thanks for calling.

It was random, I imagine, you know, 'cause I just hit the button, you know...

I've been thinking so much about what you said last night.

I feel like we really connected.

Do you?

We did have a connection.

It was a great, intense... one-night connection, you know, and I...

Men are pigs.

You know that, right?

(laughs) It's like, I cannot tell you the number of men that have picked me up in this Uber because I'm so hot, and they just want me for my holes-- each and every hole.

And it's like, "Buddy, my holes are tired." You know?

We hit it off, and then, the next thing you know, it's, like, "Claire, stop calling here."

"Claire, stop talking to my wife."

"Claire, get off my lawn."

"Claire, stop picking my kids up from school."

But I'm, like, "What about me?

I need someone to check me out of this hospital!"

♪ ♪

You're different.

Yeah.

(both laugh, Andre rattles door)

Child locks.

(laughs)

Pete: So, if I show up to watch the finale with these guys, not knowing what happened, I'm gonna be barred from the whole community college ref world.

As ultimate fans of The Block, would you guys kind of give me a little rundown, kind of so I can fake it?

Why?! Why would you want to fake it?

You are missing a cultural experience.

If it's so good, why is it ending after seven seasons?

I don't know.

Please.

Just a small recap.

So, in a nutshell, a futuristic noir detective show placed in an alternate L.A.

But we see everything through a time schism.

But you don't find that out till season two.

You know, that's...

Yeah, so, spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert.

First of all, I don't know what a schism is.

Second of all, spoil me.

Alert me.

Time schisms are very, very important.

I think the whole thing's a time schism.

I think it's all going through Agent Baker's mind.

Baker. Great.

Tell me about Baker.

Oh, he's dreamy.

He's also a total drime head.

What is drime?

It's like a futuristic heroin.

Kevin: Yeah.

Why not call it heroin?

(laughs) Because it's drime.

He's part of this agency.

It's very corrupt.

So Wonder Well Corporation has created androids to keep an eye on all of these corrupt cops.

And his android is L.E.

Oh, "Ellie" like your daughter.

"L.E." Not "Ellie."

L...

She's an android.

L.E.'s a girl?

Yes, they're all flesh jobs.

It's not the point.

What's a "flesh job"?

The point is...

It's an android!

...that Baker can't have sex with an android.

But...

And I've been telling you this for years.

And you can...

No. He can have sex with L.E. Prime.

How do you tell the difference between L.E. and L.E. Prime?

The accent.

Yeah, the accent.

It's a different accent.

Oh, of course.

I should have known.

Ruben is his boss.

He's bad, he's a really bad guy.

But he wasn't bad in season one.

Ruben is also in with the Supplement.

Kevin, it's the Settlement.

The Settlement.

The Settlement. Sorry.

Settlement took Baker's kid Reggie.

Kevin: No! Reggie's back with Baker.

Kevin, that was a flashback!

It was a schism within a schism.

Oh.

You can have a schism within a schism?

Of course there can be a schism within a schism.

Double schism.

It's the future.

You guys are the worst show recappers ever.

This could not be more complicated.

I don't know how we could make it more simple.

This is great. Now I have to watch seven seasons of this ridiculous television show just so I can impress these g*dd*mn refs.

I mean, sh*t!

Sint! Sint!

(laughing) Sint.

Sint!

What is "sint?"

It's their cursing.

You know what? I got to say, that was a pretty sinty recap.

Oh, you have a pretty sinty attitude.

Oh, thank God I made it.

Whoa.

Did she follow me?

Kevin: Well, if by "she," you mean your cologne, then, yes, she did, and she's disgusting.

My Uber driver is stalking me.

The one I had the one-night stand with.

She's a psycho.

Right, wherever I go, she's there.

How about just take a different Uber?

She'd k*ll my rating. She's the only one that will pick me up.

Announcer: On the series finale of The Block...

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

Look at this!

Oh, yes!

Under both our skins is a series of complex organisms.

What is this?

This is awesome.

Oh, sint, they're up to their old tricks again.

The recreational device belonging to your son?

Baker: Reggie.

That's his son!

His name is Reggie.

Yeah, I'm a drime head.

Jenny: Oh!

Oh, God, he's hit the drime!

At least I can still feel something.

He can feel something.

The time schism.

We need to jump before it closes.

Where are we gonna watch the last episode?

We got to do it right.

It has to be big and special-- not here.

Andre: At my house-- I got the Curve.

No, special.

Kevin: She said special, not stupid.

Baker: Math class is over.

(Jenny, Kevin and Andre moaning)

Pete: If you guys want, the refs are throwing this big viewing party.

A viewing.

Jenny and kevin: A Block party!

All: The Settlement provides.

The Settlement provides. The Settlement provides.

Can I come in costume?

Can I stop you?

No!

What the hell?

Somebody popped my tires.

(horn honking loudly)

Hey, baby doll. You need a lift?

No, no, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.

Where you going?

Oh, is this cat and mouse?

I love this!

Baker (on tv): Damn it, L.E., I don't need a lecture!

(L.E. speaking indistinctly) I need a friend, and right now.

Okay, that's L.E., that's L.E. Prime.

L.E.'s clearing trying to sint Baker, but she can't because she's a flesh job. Got it.

Or can she?

'Cause these flesh jobs are clearly sinting.

Friend?

I mean, they're just sinting all over each other.

Which L.E. are you?

It's me.

It's not me.

Pete: What?! No.

No way.

Oh, my... I'm sorry.

I'm such a drime head.

Baker's this close to finding the Settlement.

Sint!

Why do you say "sint"? Just say "sh*t"!

You don't have to be coy about it.

After Grandy became Councilman Elect, he ordered Wonder Well to clean up the system.

What's going on with Ruben? Is he turning?!

Ruben (laughing): Hey.

I mean, oh, maybe he's just protecting them.

Look at that face! Look!

(flushing)

You're not gonna wash your hands, man?

What's wrong with you?

Bye-bye, Baker.

Baker: Which one?

What year is this taking place?

I don't know.

Oh. Oh.

Baker: Guess!

That one.

It's a schism within a schism.

(whistling blowing)

All right, all right.

No, that's not the Settlement!

They want you to think it is.

(futuristic g*nf*re on screen)

Woman: Oh, come on, ref!

Man: Hey, flagrant foul!

Man 2: Bullshit!

Oh, yeah. Foul.

(whistle blows)

Four-- foul.

Man 1: Bullshit, ref!

Well, where were we, Agent Baker?

Wait. Is this whole episode a dream or a flash-forward?

(yelling)

What the sint?

Baker: Explain that.

L.E: I can't.

After the schism, nothing makes sense.

This girl I'm going out with was almost on The Bachelor.

Wow. She must be a really good person.

Cool enough for me to bring her to the Block party.

Andre, sex will lead to nothing but trouble.

Ruxin: No. No sex is the problem.

Sofia's been gone so long, I'm done celebating.

My balls feel like two bruised plums that have been sitting at the bottom of a shopping bag.

Pete: Is Ruben Dondo?

Is Dondo Ruben? I mean, is there any sinting difference in the long run there?

Criminy! I realize I have to feed my meter.

Oh. Uh, that's fair.

I know what that is.

Ooh, boy.

Ah, sint.

Well, that sucked.

Well, that's good, Pete, because sex'll do nothing but rot your brain.

Look at me.

Mentally, I'm not there anymore.

I tried watching The Block.

I didn't understand a g*dd*mn thing.

That, for once, has nothing to do with your melon.

Andre, you're a... doctor.

Can you examine me, please?

For what?

I think I have C.T.E.

Ruxin: What's C.T.E.?

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy from all the concussions.

If you can say it, you definitely don't have it.

If you had C.T.E., you'd have memory loss.

Well, I forgot to set my lineup.

That happens every week.

Impaired judgment.

I found this pill in the bathroom.

You guys want to go splitsies?

I would not take that if I were you.

Impulse control problems?

Down the hatch.

You shouldn't have swallowed that.

Aggression.

You said you didn't want it!

Depression?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you guys.

Anxiety?

Feels like my tongue is sweating.

And eventually, dementia.

Oh, my God, Andre!

None of what you're wearing makes sense. The camouflage, the leather hat, the snakeskin pants.

Oh, my God, I'm losing it! Aah!

Pete: He actually seems pretty lucid to me.

Yeah, I would agree.

You are dressed like one of Nick Cannon's bodyguards.

Tiny or Terrell?

Ruxin: Skype sex, here we go.

All right!

Okay, this is what I'm wearing.

Looking good, girl.

Uh, real good.

Okay, your turn.

What am I wearing?

T-shirt from Old Navy, boxer... from the Gap.

And inside those boxers-- my d*ck.

How's that? Pretty good, right?

It's cute. You want to kiss?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Here goes the kiss.

Sofia? You there, baby? Hello?

Must have lost the connection, and yet, there you are-- give-me-a-kiss face, with your ample cleavage showing, not saying a word.

(clicking tongue)

I think that'll probably work.

Rodney?

Babe? Can you see me?

(high-pitched with accent): Oh, I'm a little dirty Latin maid.

Your penis is very dirty.

It needs to be clean.

I want to put the vacuum on it so I can clean it up.

(in normal voice): Oh, okay.

You want to clean it up, baby?

You can clean it up, baby. Oh.

You're a dirty little lady, huh?

Oh, you're a trollop.

You're a silent trollop.

Rodney?!

What? What? Hi.

Rodney, what did you just call me?

Uh, Sofia. I called you Sofia.

What are you doing right now?

I was... masturbating to you.

Ew! Why would you do that?!

Think how flattering that is.

I could pick any image on the Internet or the weird p*rn that I have in my underwear drawer, and I'm choosing to masturbate to you, my wife.

That's disgusting.

Can I at least finish?

Ugh! I'm going.

No. Please, just show me your nipple, or at least a foot! Oh!

I am so excited about the Block party.

So am I.

(shrieks, laughs)

(laughs)

Oh, by the way, everyone in the restaurant was so overreacting about the g*n.

I know. It's just a fake g*n.

(fake soft g*nf*re)

I mean, come on.

What's the big deal?

We look so great.

Oh, you know, we got to get going.

Um... want to get a cab?

Uh... Uber.

Uh... how about we walk?

Come on, it'll be fine. Come on.

No, I-I can't walk in these shoes. Look.

We'll just walk.

No. Look, we'll just Uber.

It's so easy.

All you have to do is open the app and touch the phone.

I know.

(engine starts)

Oh, my God, that was so fast.

Oh, no.

Claire: Where are you two off to tonight?

It's a party for the series finale of The Block.

It's a Block party!

You know, why don't you just sit in your seat just for safety reasons?

And we don't want to...

Oh!

...upset the driver.

Agent Baker.

No.

Following the rules.

I think we should break some rules.

Andre: No, no, not tonight.

We're just gonna just be two friends.

So, you two, uh, have a connection, or, um, what's the story there?

He said I'm his bachelorette.

We're still figuring out a lot of things.

We're just like Agent Baker and L.E., keeping things a secret.

Okay, why don't you just sit over there?

Aren't you two cute?!

(tires screeching)

Aah!

(screams)

Claire (laughing): Oops, my bad.

There was a bump in the road.

Kevin: Look at this!

Jenny (gasps): It's Baker and L.E.!

Baker and L.E. Yes!

(laughing)

I'm so excited about this.

Jenny: Oh, my God, this is awesome!

Pete: Wait.

Why are these guys still dressed like refs?

Why are you still dressed like a ref?

I'm trying to impress them, okay?

Jesus, I don't want to get sent back down to the minor leagues.

I haven't slept in two days, I've watched every g*dd*mn episode.

It's like I ate a huge meal, I forgot what I ate, now I just want to throw up.

Taco: Don't worry, Pete.

I was able to watch the entire show.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Ask me anything.

Well, how did Dondo die?

Dondo d*ed?

Yeah, in season two.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There are seasons to this thing?

There's seven of them.

How did you watch the show?

I was just watching it in alphabetical order based on the title.

What?!

What?!

No wonder people kept coming back to life.

g*dd*mn this brain!

All right, all right.

Claire: You want to know a funny story?

I've made love in this car. Yeah.

I've made passionate, amazing, erotic love...

We don't need to hear about it.

...in this car with that man.

(laughs) Yup.

(women laugh)

With that man.

Let me tell you something.

You see this man right here?

This man that you think you have a connection with? This man connected with my vag*na all over this Uber, okay?

He ejaculated here, there, there, on your seat, all over these leathers.

So you want to put a black light on this thing, it'll light up like Times Square.

Is that what you do?

You just pick up women, and you sleep with them, and you just throw 'em to the curb?!

No, I don't do that.

It never gets to the sex stuff. I...

Oh, my God!

You're just like Juan Pablo on The Bachelor.

Preach!

I am not like Juan Pablo!

You're a liar! I thought we had a connection, okay?

Doesn't Claire deserve love?

I don't know!

I swear to God, if you don't tell me you love me, I'm gonna crash this car into a wall and k*ll us all!

Tell her you love her!

What? (engine revving)

I'm gonna crash this car and k*ll us all!

Tell her you love her!

No!

Tell me you love me!

Tell her you love her!

I love you! I love you!

I love you!

(sighs) And... here we are.

Oh, my God.

Okay. You okay? You okay?

No.

No, get off me. Do not touch me!

Sorry, all right, come on, please, Berkeley.

No!

Please. Come on!

Oh, my God.

It's too cold to walk!

Sint off, you sinting crazy people!

Berkeley, come back!

She was trouble.

Jesus, what are you doing?!

So, are we going to this party?

I'm not really in costume. Is there an alcoholic character?

You need to leave me alone right now!

Ooh, I get it. You want to play rough.

I'm not playing. I'm not playing.

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

I'm done with you! I'm done with you!

We are so in sync.

What?

You get back here, Mr. Man.

You get back here!

(fake soft g*nf*re)

Stay away from me!

Get back here!

Stay away! Aah! Aah!

You're mine!

I'll take the bus! I'll take the bus!

(screams)

L.E.: When the settlement sublimates the chosen, this is where the dead bodies are disposed.

It was all smoke and mirrors.

Oh, my. What is happening?

L.E.: Like so many of your religious practices.

(snoring)

You snooze, you don't win.

People need to believe in something.

You're supposed to be dead!

So are you.

L.E.: I can't let you do that, Ruben.

(dramatic music playing)

Jenny: Don't, Ruben!

It's a one-night stand! It's over!

It's not over until I say it's over!

Baker: It's the end of the world.

L.E.: The time schism is upon us.

Baker: I think I know something that you don't.

Kevin: I knew it!

What is going on?

What?

Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

I got you, lover!

This is gonna affect your Uber rating!

I got you!

(yelling)

No!

What happened?!

Taco?

Pete: Taco!

(groans)

Ow.

Hi.

I'm Claire.

I'm Taco.

Are you guys okay?

Who are you?

You want to fool around?

Yeah.

Taco, what about your concussions?

What concussions?

I can give you a lift.

Just the sex would be fine.

Great. That sounds good.

Well, looks like his concussion cured his concussion.

Taco's coming out of retirement.