01x10 - Fists and Feet and Stuff

(Grunts)

(Typing)

♪ I can't fall For this again ♪
♪ I will try till the very end Holy days ♪
♪ Holy nights You shook me once ♪
♪ But you won't do it twice I should have known ♪
♪ You wouldn't stick 'Cause you're a habit ♪
♪ That I just can't kick So when you're done ♪
♪ Letting me down I won't be around, no ♪
♪ I'm moving on I'm moving on ♪
♪ I'm moving on I'm moving on ♪
♪ I'm moving on, baby I'm moving on ♪
♪ Got to keep moving On, on, on... ♪

(Stomach rumbling)

(Panting)

(Stomach rumbling loudly)

(Stomach continues rumbling)

♪ I see you walking ♪
♪ Down the street You're picking pockets ♪
♪ Of the ones you meet You always say ♪
♪ You never told... ♪

(Truck creaking rhythmically)

(Panting)

♪ I don't think we should So when your weight ♪
♪ Is bringing you down I won't be around, no ♪
♪ I'm moving on I'm moving on ♪
♪ I'm moving on I'm moving on ♪
♪ I'm moving on, baby I'm moving on... ♪

(Phone chimes)

♪ Got to keep moving ♪
♪ On, on, on. ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

♪ Lost and you won't let it up ♪
♪ Feeling tired... ♪

Becca: Excuse me.

What the hell is Jimmy doing here?

And I thought you promised you weren't gonna make your disgusting punch.

Vernon: Babe, my boys expect the trash juice.

Becca: Your boys?

Vernon: Yeah. You know I never get to see them.

Dave's got, like, a billion stupid kids, and Slider's a state senator now. It sucks.

Becca: Fine, but why did you invite Jimmy?

Vernon: Men stop making friends at 23. It's science.

When was the last time I had any visitors to my man cave, except that zero Paul?

Lindsay: Hey!

Becca: Did you bring the lemons?

Lindsay: Ah...

Becca: I give people one job!

Vernon: Hey, Linds, taste this.

Becca: No, thanks. I'm actually not drinking.

Psst.

Becca: What?

Lindsay: Listen, I never told Paul about what I told you at yoga.

Becca: You promised!

Lindsay: I'm snowballing here, sis.

It's like that time you guys had that intervention for me right after semester at sea.

Becca: You know what, Linds? Your cockaholism may be just about the least important thing in the world to me right now.

I need this party to go off without a hitch.

It's a big deal.

Vernon: You sure?

Lindsay: Maybe just a sip.

Vernon: Just have a sip.

Here you go.

Becca: Well...

I didn't know you'd be coming.

Jimmy: Can we do this later?

I have to find Gretchen.

Becca: Oh, did that idiot invite her, too? I'm actually glad you're here.

Jimmy: Why? You're gonna try and have s*x with me again?

Becca: It was a momentary lapse of sanity.

So, thank you for... going against your animal instincts towards me.

Jimmy: My animal instinct is to run into traffic.

Becca: Oh, come on, Jimmy.

We both know I could have flicked off one shoe...

Jimmy: Your feet are awful, Bec.

Shallow nail beds, pathetic arches.

I only forced myself to occasionally finish on the abominable things so you wouldn't know how repulsive they really are.

Becca: Well, at least my heart isn't repulsive, Jimmy!

Lindsay: Hey, you.

Jimmy: Hey.

Have-have you seen Gretchen?

Lindsay: Remember when you started dating my sister, she and I were still living together, and I would listen through the wall and scrunch my pillow into the perfect shape?

Jimmy: No! Stop. What?!

Lindsay: I've had that pillow since I was 11.

His name is Brandon Pointycorners.

Jimmy: Whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa! Have you lost your mind?!

Lindsay: Come on. Just kiss me.

You and Gretchen broke up. It doesn't matter.

We're all gonna die.

(Jimmy gasps)

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Gretchen!

Tommy: Dude.

Edgar: Oh, hey, Jimmy.

This is my new roommate Nigel. Nigel, this is my old roommate.

Jimmy: Hi. Do we know each other?

Tommy (British accent): I don't think so.

How is it, then, mate?

Jimmy: You just happened to find another English roommate?

Edgar: Yup.

Jimmy: When did you come over?

Tommy: Uh, May 2008. I was at university there studying design, but it wasn't for me.

Jimmy: Dorm or apartment?

Tommy: Oh, you mean flat.

Dorm. Uh, Scotia Quay.

Why? Do you know it?

Lindsay: Gretchen!

Gretchen. Ooh. Gretchen!

Don't you walk away from me!

Gretchen: You were trying to kiss my boy... my ex-boyfriend! What is wrong with you?

Lindsay: I have a disease.

Gretchen: Your only disease is that you don't love your husband.

Lindsay: I'm trying to be better.

Gretchen: By kissing Jimmy? You creep!

♪ Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal... ♪

Lindsay: I lost my best friend.

I'm losing my husband. I don't know what I want.

(Shouting): Shut up, fish!

♪ And you'll be left be alone ♪

(Skipping): ♪ Be left alone Be left alone ♪
♪ Be... left... alone... ♪

(Music stops)

Lindsay: You left me behind, Gretchen, at the rapper party, in life. You always leave me behind.

Gretchen: I had to figure out my own sh1t!

And I can't do that with you sitting on my shoulder like some stacked cartoon devil whispering, "Take dicks, do more coke, help me destroy my marriage."

Lindsay: That is really hurtful.

You think I'm the devil?

Gretchen: Jimmy was gonna propose to me.

Lindsay: What?!

Gretchen: Yeah. I found the ring.

That's why I stopped seeing him. It's why I've been acting so weird.

Lindsay: Oh, my God.

I can't believe it. What is wrong with him?

Gretchen: I know! Hey.

Lindsay: Well, at least you tried with Jimmy.

Gretchen: Did I really though?

Part of me feels like I had one foot out the door the whole time. But, I mean, marriage?

How ridiculous is that? It's so ordinary.

Lindsay: I know. What's wrong with us?

Are we feminists? Is this feminism?

Gretchen: We're just running away from stuff.

I don't think that's feminism. It's fear.

Lindsay: So what are you saying?

That actually trying is the brave thing?

Gretchen: Maybe. Maybe buying in is really the punk rock choice. Am I considering this?

Oh, my God.

Lindsay: Uh-uh, bitch.

Don't you leave me behind! You're not gonna be the only one trying things. I know.

I'll have a baby!

Gretchen: Ew! With Paul?

Lindsay: Yes! Gretch, we're going to buy in.

Gretchen: I think we may be growing up.

Lindsay: I know. Isn't it awful?

Gretchen: If you ever try to kiss Jimmy again, I will punch you in the clit.

Lindsay: Deal.

Jimmy: The Scotland situation, huh?

Tommy: Ugh. "Stay with us, Scotland.

You belong in the UK."

Edgar: Mm-hmm.

Jimmy: Coronation Street finally cancelled.

Tommy: Jimmy, if it had been, my mum would have rung me crying, so I think that you're wrong about that one.

(Laughter)

Jimmy: All right.

So where are you guys living?

Edgar: Uh, we're over, uh...

Tommy: Uh, west, uh... No.

Edgar: N-Nicaragua.

Tommy: Little. Little. Little. Little...

Edgar: L-Little...

Both: Little Nicaragua.

Jimmy: I knew it! You rubbish liars.

Tommy (No accent): Sorry, Edgar.

I studied as hard as I could.

Jimmy: Talk.

Edgar: He's an actor I met a while back.

Jimmy: NCIS:L.A.?

Tommy: Yes!

(Laughs) Thank you! Thanks. I love my fans.

Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle.

Edgar: I'll-I'll come with you.

Tommy: Keep watching, dude.

Jimmy: Oh, of course. (Chuckles)

Becca: Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

No, no one can leave yet. No, actually, guys, you...

Vernon: You want a juice? Do you want a trash juice?

Trash juice. Are you ready for your trash juice? Here's the rest of the vodka.

I'm putting it in. Trash juice! Trash juice!

Trash juice. I made so much trash juice.

You guys should have some. Do I have to drink all this trash juice by myself?! Ah!

Drink your juice, boys!


♪ C'est si bon She love to get it on ♪
♪ Every time I see her I cut like coupons ♪
♪ Yeah, Kovas is the beast Do the rap in the track ♪
♪ Triple-double, no assists... ♪

Lindsay: There you are.

Doing dishes at someone else's house.

I saw this and thought of you, because you're so sweet.

And because you love raisins. Even though they're disgusting failed grapes.

Sorry what I said about raisins.

Paul: I saw you trying to kiss Jimmy.

Lindsay: What? What?!

What are... what are you...

Paul: I'm not stupid.

I saw you.

Lindsay: Come on.

You're my Paullywog.

Paul: Stop it.

You respect me so little that you...

Lindsay: Honey. Okay, honey, I know.

I'm sorry, but that was before.

Paul: That was half an hour ago.

Lindsay: Right, before now.

I... (Paul sighs) I'm so messed up.

Paul: You don't need a telescope to see that.

(Quiet chatter)

Jimmy: There you are. Hey. Right, listen...

Gretchen: You listen. I know that I have issues, but it is not up to you to fix them.

Jimmy: You're right.

Okay, look, I massively overstepped with your parents, and nothing like that will ever happen again.

Gretchen: Okay.

Jimmy: Okay?

Gretchen: I did not expect you to apologize so quickly.

Look, I appreciate that we have a strong connection, but right now, that? That's crazytown. (Chuckles)

Have I thought about it? Maybe in some abstract way way down the line, but clearly now would be bonkers.

But... then I started thinking about it, and maybe we're like two pit bulls, you know?

You put either with another dog, and that dog's toast.

But, together, they're couch buds.

They nullify the threat through mutually assured destruction.

So, uh... I don't know. I mean, it's bananas, Jimmy.

But, um... What I mean is, uh...

Whew! I mean, the punk rock choice, Jimmy, is yes. So screw it. Why not?

Yes, Jimmy. Yes.

Jimmy: What are you talking about?

Gretchen: I found the engagement ring in your drawer.

That is why I freaked out.

Jimmy: Oh...

Gretchen: But then I started thinking about it, and-and the thing about pit bulls, how... Oh, God.

Jimmy: Th-The ring was for Becca.

Almost three years ago. I was... I was just too embarrassed to return it. D-Did you...

Oh, Gretchen, don't be embarrassed.

Gretchen: I sh1t myself earlier, and that is only the second most embarrassing thing that has happened to me today.

Jimmy: Oh...

Lindsay: (Gasps) Are you leaving?

Gretchen: Yes, I cannot stay here anymore.

Lindsay: You can't leave me again.

I'm seriously gonna lose it. Gretchen, you have to stay.

Or... I'm gonna suck that guy's dick.

And that guy's dick. And definitely that guy's dick.

Gretchen: Okay, okay. I'll stay. I'll stay.

Why do you smell like shrimp?

Becca: Hello. Hello. (Chuckles)

Hello? Quiet. Shut that goddamn music off.

(Music stops)

Okay, well, whew, first of all, how hashtag blessed are we to have you, our dearest friends, gathered with us tonight? As a society, we go through nothing alone. We are a family.

A family of friends, coworkers, neighbors we don't know very well...

Jimmy: Listen, I had a momentary lapse of sanity with Becca.

Gretchen: The worst thing is this means you wanted to marry Becca, but you can't even let me spend the night without it becoming a goddamn traumatic event.

Becca: Shh!

29 years ago, a baby girl was born.

Vernon: 29?

Becca: And all she wanted, ever since she was pretending to breast-feed her Baby All Gone, was to have her own baby. There is a quote from one of my favorite books, The Little Prince by Antoine de...

Vernon: I pregged her up, you guys!

Becca: I'm pregnant! I'm having a baby!

(Crowd cheering)

(Laughs)

Thank you.

Lindsay: Hello, everybody!

(Laughs) Um, we're having a baby, too!

(Scattered applause)

Well, not yet, but we're gonna start trying to have one. Yay!

Becca: What is wrong with you?

How dare you try to ruin my moment.

Lindsay: It's always your moment!

When's my moment?

Becca: You had your moment when you got married before your older sister, which is an aggressive and hateful act in any culture!

Lindsay: This isn't about you.

This is about me and Paul and-and our...

Paul: Stop it! I'm not having a baby with you.

Lindsay: Paul?

Paul: Because I'm having a baby with someone else.

(Crowd gasping)

At some point. In the future.

Because I'm involved with someone else.

(Crowd gasping)

Though, to be fair, it's purely emotional at this point. I'm having an emotional affair.

Lindsay: What are you talking about?

Paul: Her name is Amy. We met on a homebrew chat room.

Vernon: (Laughs) What a loser.

Paul: Amy... She's excited about me.

She's... nice to me.

Lindsay: Bear.

Paul: Lindsay, I want to begin the process of conscious uncoupling with you.

Lindsay: No.

Paul: Yes, Lindsay. I want a divorce.

Becca: Oh. Well. Ooh. (Groans)

Mom is gonna be so disappointed. Guess you better give us the good china.

Lindsay: Like your marriage is so perfect. You nearly banged Jimmy last week.

Gretchen: What?!

Jimmy: Okay, just to clarify, she tried to bang me.

I turned her down. Marvelously satisfying, really.

Lindsay: You tried to sleep with him?

I thought he tried to kiss you at your house.

Jimmy: (Clears throat) Okay, that happened also.

But it was... it was part of this thing where we were competing to bang our exes.

Becca: What is wrong with you two?!

Vernon: You tried to bang my wife?

Jimmy: She tried to sleep with me.

Vernon: I let you be my forever-friend. I was gonna invite you into the man cave.

Jimmy: I barely even know you!

Vernon: Well, now you're gonna know... my fists and feet and stuff!

Jimmy: Oh, sh1t.

(Grunting)

Vernon: You British prick!

Becca: Vernon, get him!

Edgar: Go to sleep, Vernon.

Becca: Edgar, stop it!

Edgar: Go... to... sleep.

Vernon: But I'm not sleepy.

Becca: Oh, God. Get away from him.

Vernon. Vernon.

Guest: Okay, bye, Becca.

Congratulations.

Becca: Wouldn't it...

No, no, no. No, you c... you can't go.

Hey, no, no. Where are you going?

Hey, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

You... This is my night!

Jimmy: Has anyone seen Gretchen?

Brianna: Oh, sorry, Jimmy, but I think she left.

(Jimmy sighs)

Tommy: Hey, Jimmy.

You want in on this?

Jimmy: Uh, no, but have fun.

Listen. I will kill you if you tell him I said so, but Edgar is one of the few genuinely decent people on this planet. You're lucky to be his friend.

Tommy: Oh, I'm not his friend.

He cleans toilets at my gym.

Jimmy: Edgar got a job?

Tommy: I felt really bad about lying to him when we first met, so I agreed to help him out today.

(Scottish accent): Plus, I'm great at accent work.

Jimmy: Are you?

Tommy: Anyway, like I could really be friends with someone who lives in their car.

Jimmy: Hey.

Edgar: Hey.

Uh, so, uh, uh, h-how have you been?

Jimmy: Not well. I haven't been feeding myself properly.

Edgar: I told you before I left, the menus are in a blue binder in the bottom drawer.

Jimmy: Listen, maybe... Could you move back in?

I... You'd be doing me a favor.

Edgar: I have a job now, Jimmy.

I'm making great progress. I can't go backwards.

If I move back in, I'm paying rent, and I'm not cooking for you anymore.

Jimmy: Market value for your bedroom is $1,200 a month.

Edgar: I will do some light housework.

Jimmy: Thanks.

Edgar: Oh, hey, uh...

Jimmy: Hey, coming up.

Edgar: Oh.

(Knocking)

Gretchen: Why can't you just let this be over?

Jimmy: Because I can't. Look, I don't know why I proposed to Becca. It is a giant mystery, fueled mostly by my desire to make up for my wretched family and the fact that she gives spectacular blow jobs.

Gretchen: Really?

Jimmy: Yeah, I do not know what's going on with that mouth. She's like a human Brookstone massage chair.

Gretchen: I am completely stunned by this information.

Jimmy: Maybe the sour face creates extra suction. Look, Becca was a choice.

A dumb choice, but a choice. You and I... we're inevitable.

Gretchen: Words, man. You got a lot of pretty words, but that doesn't mean...

Jimmy: Shut up.

I'm not done. Let's be those pit bulls.

I want to be your couch bud. Move in with me.

(Gretchen groans)

(Key clinks on floor)

Jimmy: Sorry. Why'd you do that?

Gretchen: I just humiliated myself by accepting your non-marriage proposal. I cannot now move in with you.

Jimmy: Yeah, but I'm... I'm actually asking you this time.

Gretchen: Bullshit. You're just doing this as a Hail Mary because you know you're about to lose me for good.

Jimmy: No, no, no! I was... I was going to ask you at the party. I had the key made yesterday.

Look, my entire life, I've been obsessed with trying to live the life of a writer... just full of loneliness and suffering.

But over the last two weeks, what I have finally realized is that the worst possible draft of my life is the one without you in it. I hate it, Gretchen Cutler, but you goddamn floor me.

Gretchen: No.

Not yet.

Jimmy: Okay.

Okay.

(Gretchen sighs)

Gretchen: Oh, sh1t. We're gonna do this.

Jimmy: Yeah. sh1t.

Gretchen: We're gonna do this, even though we know there is only one way this ends. Whether in a week or 20 years.

There is horrible sadness and pain coming, and we're inviting it.

Jimmy: God, I love the way you think.

(Fire crackling)

(Smoke alarm beeping)

Lindsay: ♪ Oh, oh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Pray God you can cope I stand outside ♪
♪ This woman's work This woman's world ♪
♪ Ooh, it's hard on the man Now his part is over ♪
♪ Now starts the craft Of the father ♪
♪ I know you have a little life in you yet ♪
♪ I know you have a lot Of strength left ♪
♪ I know you have a little life in you yet ♪
♪ I know you have a lot Of strength left ♪
♪ I should be crying But I just can't let it show ♪
♪ I should be hoping But I can't stop thinking ♪
♪ Of all the things I should have said ♪
♪ That I never said All the things ♪
♪ I should have done That we never did ♪
♪ All the things I should have given ♪
♪ But I didn't... ♪

Becca: We're gonna have a baby.

(Vernon snorts, snores)

(Sirens wailing)

Gretchen: Still got that key?

Lindsay: ♪ I should be crying But I just can't let it show ♪
♪ I should be hoping But I can't stop thinking ♪
♪ Of all the things I should have said ♪
♪ That I never said All the things ♪
♪ I should have done That we never did ♪
♪ All the things I should have given ♪
♪ But I didn't Oh, darling ♪
♪ Make it go Make it go away... ♪

(Cat meows)

Manager: Oh, my God.

Come on. Who's that?

Oh, my God. Oh! I'm gonna get you...

Edgar: Roomie.

Gretchen: Roomie.

Lindsay: Mm, thanks. (Chuckles)

(Edgar sniffs)

Killian: Hi.

Jimmy: Quick. I need that copy of my house key that I gave you. Got it?

Killian: I thought you needed me to water your plants next week.

Jimmy: I'll get you another key.

Killian: Where's your key?

Jimmy: Hurry. Just grab a box. Nice. Thanks.

What's that?

Gretchen: Food processor.

Jimmy: Ah.

Gretchen: You having second thoughts about me moving in?

Jimmy: No, no. Of course not.

You?

Gretchen: No.

Jimmy: Good.