10x08 - Kids These Days

Why aren't you talking, are you mad at me?

No! I'm freaked because I just found out that I'm pregnant.

And yes, I am a little mad at you, because this is serious, and the only thing that you can think about is combining our names into the perfect baby name.

Well, now we know it's either Hayden or Dyley.

Look, this is a beautiful thing.

A product of our love.

It is a product of our love, right?

Yes, Dylan. I did the math.

Last time you did the math we accidentally left a $ tip.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

- (sighs)
- How about this?

Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy... will you marry me?

Are you kidding me right now?

Picture us walking down the aisle, a breathtaking vision in virginal white

and you wearing whatever you want.

- I'm not marrying you!
- Okay.

Okay, one step at a time.

We'll put you on vitamins and a healthy diet.

You'll be eating for one now.

Score! Lollipops!

How am I gonna tell my mom?

This is the one thing she always told me not to do, and you're the person she told me not to do it with.

Yeah, she really nailed that one.

I hope our baby gets her brain.

Why aren't you freaking out?

Because this is a good thing, isn't it?

I...

I don't know.

Ugh. (sighs)

Oh, my God, I have to get to work.

To a job that I love, which I don't even know if I can do with a baby! (chuckles)

Just... I, um...

I need some space.

Oh.

$ , carry the ...

Leave a $ .

- (whistle blows)
- CAMERON: All right, Thompson, run a crisp route!

Pitkowski, go!

Look at them out there.

They are a mess. No focus!

You told them about not eating chicken, right?

It's a nervous bird.

Before the game, you eat your calm mammals, your beefs, your muttons.

Okay, guys, get in here!

Let's go. Huddle up!

CAMERON: We're about to play for the city championship, and Jay here has been helping out.

I've been a team booster for years.

Usually that means cutting a check from the Pritchett Cares Foundation.

We support athletics and we educate at-risk youth about careers in closets.

It's a real path out.

Okay, this is the biggest day of your lives and you're looking like a bunch of little girls out there!

What's wrong, Pitkowski, did you forget your Barbies?!

Coach, we've been talking, and the language you've been using lately feels, well, hurtful.

And sexist.

And a little gender reductive.

What the hell is happening?

We'd just like you to consider adopting a more empowering style.

Okay, you know what?

This is football!

What's wrong, are your training bras too tight?!

- (megaphone squeals)
- Coach Tucker!

Please see me in my office now!

No, honey, I don't want to pick your sister up at the airport!

Oh, sorry, I'm talking to my girlfriend and I accidentally kept the megaphone button pressed!

(chuckles) She's really been riding me lately, let me tell you!

Oh, no sweetheart, no,

I didn't mean for you to hear that!

No, no, no, you're my everything!
Of course!

(both vocalizing "The Imperial March" from Star Wars)

I got tickets for me and Mitchell to a screening in Palm Springs of The Empire Strikes Back...

Q&A to follow with the biggest star of all...

George Lucas.

I'm super stoked because I kind of think of Mitch as the brother I never had.

I don't know why we don't spend more time alone together.

It's nobody's fault. Except for...for Cam and Claire.

You know, I'm as happy now as I've ever been.

And look, we're in Yucaipa.

That sounds like how Ewoks talk.

I used to sneak off to a gay bar in Yucaipa before I came out.

Huh, you don't really think of gay bars as a small-town thing.

Oh, yeah.

They serve your rural gays,

your closeted gays, your city newbies looking to get their gay sea-legs, kind of like an out-of-town tryout before they hit Broadway.

See, I learn something whenever I spend time with you.

Remember when you told me not to snap when I dance?

It looked like you were trying to get peanut butter off your fingers.

Speaking of which, I'm starving.

That bar actually has amazing hamburgers if you want to stop for lunch?

Am I allowed in?

Who's gonna know?

Just don't snap.

Ooh!

Do you think I could rock this?

Do people still say rock?

It makes me sad when you have to ask me what young people say.

- CLAIRE: Alex? Gloria?
- Ahh!

- Hi.
- Um, hi!

What are you doing here?

I needed some sexy clothes, so I asked Gloria to help me shop.

No offense to my mom, but she dresses kind of conservative while Gloria knows how to pick out clothes that will help... take this baby for a spin.

Ugh, Alex, come on, sell it if you're gonna talk like that.

Just stopped by the cobbler to get my penny loafers re-soled.

(chuckles) Same pair for years.

What are you guys doing?

- Oh, we're just...
- Uh, no, we, uh, were shopping separately, funniest thing, and we just bumped into each other!

Right?

(laughs) Yes, it was hilarious.

I was shopping, and... and then all she said.

- (both chuckle)
- It was funny.

So, what did you buy?

Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine.

It's hers.
Could you hold it for a minute?

My arms are tired!

(scoffs) This one, the Queen of Sheba.

We all work for her.

(laughter)

We have fun.

Mmm!

Burger's amazing.

This place is great.

These small town gays have it made.

Yeah, I mean, they're forced to live in the shadows, but they do get to eat fries, so...

Oh, my God!

Is that Gil Thorpe?

We don't all know each other, Phil.

With the beard.

There are no women in here.

Right there, he's my nemesis.

What could he possibly be doing here?

Hmm, I might have a theory.

Oh, my God!

He's pretending to be gay.

No.

What is your game, Gil?

Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?

Her sound bath ran late.

Is there a special occasion?

Why the party sub?

Uh, this is a normal sandwich.

(chuckles)

- Hello, Haley.
- Hi.

Why the enormous sandwich?

This is an ordinary... doesn't matter.

Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute?

Of course.

Uh...

Look, a situation has come up and it's pretty confusing.

I'm still trying to process it, but I...

- Preggo?
- What?!

- Oh, God, I knew it!
- What?!

I mean, Prego, you know, however you pronounce that pretentious Italian fashion website.

- Oh.
- Someone told me that they're trying to poach one of my employees, and I am not having it.

So, what do you need?

I, uh, well...

Title bump, money bump... you are getting a promotion.

- (chuckles)
- You are gonna be the new Head of Activewear and Zeitgeist.

Oh, my God, this is my dream job.

(laughs) I told my guidance counselor that I wanted to do this and she laughed in my face.

All right, everyone.

Come in, we're celebrating!

And bring a knife so we can cut this into pieces!

Coach Tucker, students are a "protected class" and it is not okay for you, an elite white man of privilege, to bully them.

Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.

Yeah, gay doesn't really get you the mileage that it used to.

Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.

Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!

- Jay...
- No, no, I've had it.

I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive, they're gonna ruin football?

In my day, our team, the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters, captained by Knish Bronstein, took on the Lincoln Banditos,

QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales.

And after three hours of pummeling each other's privates at the bottom of dog piles, we shook hands like brothers and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads in Pierogi-Town.

America.

(voice breaking) Beautiful melting pot.

Uh... How was that your life?

You were in high school during the Summer of Love.

Coach Tucker, I don't know why this man is here, but he's a member of the "elderly protected class," and legally we can't contradict him.

I'm sorry, you're gonna have to find a gentler way to motivate your players.

I don't know any other way to coach.

What we need is advice from someone who played football but also is a namby-pamby Millennial weirdo.

Thank you for coming.

We're here to teach these gentlemen how to communicate in the st century.

Let's go around and each say the gender pronoun we prefer.

I'll start...

I'm cisgender, he-slash-him.

She-slash-her.

They-slash-them.

Oh, I'm not here to bust chops, Bob is fine.

This is your rugby team?

I am fascinated by this mall story of yours...

So, you say you were shopping?

Yes. (laughs)

You know me and shoes.

(both laugh)

Oh! Well, let's take a look, why don't we?

(gasps)

Ooh! I had no idea your foot was so tiny.

Yes, I am so big in the top and small in the bottom, like South America herself.

- (laughs)
- Aww!

Put 'em on.

Really?

I want to see them on your feet.

Yes, miss.

I feel like I am Cinderella.

Go on, let's see you strut your stuff.

(chuckles) Pretty shoes.

(gasps)

I've never felt more beautiful!

Uh-huh.

Okay, I can't watch this anymore!

Mom, please don't take this personally, but I was shopping with Gloria today because I wanted to find something sexy for my weekend away with Bill, and that's more her thing.

- (groans)
- I get it, fine.

I don't always dress like a... steering wheel cover.

You're lashing out. I understand.

Doesn't mean I can't turn it on when I need to.

It's not just that.

I guess... I don't really feel like you're comfortable with my sexuality.

You and Haley can talk about guys and s*x, but you still see me as a -year-old.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry if I gave you that impression, but to be fair, you don't really share that part of your life with me.

- I guess that's valid.
- (chuckles)

So, are you gonna give me a shot?

Let me tart you up for Bill.

Okay. But it is not just for Bill because it's also for me because I'm...

I'm reclaiming a part of myself that I don't think I've really...

- There's a lot of this.
- Yeah. Okay.

This is nuts.
First he gets divorced, and now this?

Hmm, they may be related.

Is he still here?

Oh, man. I've been made!

What's he doing?

Uh, he's right behind you.

Dunphy?

Hey, Gil.

Oh, I was just making a pitstop on the way to the Bunny Ranch.

I accidentally walked in here 'cause some local said they had great wings.

Didn't realize there were no breasts!

(laughter)

- Am I right?!
- Oh, hey.

You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, I'm Phil's brother-in-law, and it's okay that you're gay.

Whoa! What? Hold on a second now.

That's crazy!

You're gay!

Yes, I know.

It's not the insult you think it is.

Charming as ever.
Off you go. Best of luck.

I got this, okay?

It's gonna take him some time to...

to accept who he really is.

I'm totally gay.

Wow, you're off to a strong start.

It's just... it's strange

to say it out loud like that, you know?

I'm a gay man.

(chuckles)

I'm a big gay man.

(chuckles)

Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me.

- Just a weight.
- Yeah.

But doesn't it feel great to...

to finally own who you really are?

Yeah, it does.

I remember admitting to my dad I was into magic.

It's not the same, Dunphy.

(chuckles) It's just not...

God, I have so many questions for you, though.

Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too.

Fire away.

Okay. (stammering)

I'm just not comfortable opening up in front of the breeder here, okay?

You have more kids than I do!

That's homophobic, man!

Hey, Phil, why don't... why don't you grab us some drinks?

Okay. Fine.

Yeah.

Whoa. (chuckles) Wow, hi.

- It's my lucky day.
- Thank you for that.

But I'm afraid I'm taken.

That's too bad.

Why is it so hard for me to meet someone?

I, um...

I have the perfect guy for you.

He has got a great sense of humor, big heart.

I have a thing for red heads.

He's with me. Uh, the other one.

Him? Pass.

He's been lurking around here for weeks.

Like I'm impressed he's "Southern California's number one Realtor."

No, he's not!

Well, what are you afraid of?

(sighs) I don't know, Mitchell.

I'm so late to the game.

Who's even gonna want me?

Mitchell, um, it's getting late, and we don't want to keep Mr. Lucas waiting.

Whoa. You're leaving?

But...

(stammering)

You're the first person I ever talked to about any of this stuff.

(sighs) Uh, one... one second.

Phil.

I can't leave him this way.

What?! He's a monster!

And not one of the cool ones created by Industrial Light and Magic!

I know.
This... This is a lot to take in, but I think that there's a really good guy in there and... and he needs me.

I'm sorry, you go, have fun.

You're... You're picking him over me?!

No. I just need to make sure he's okay.

Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can.

Do, or do not.

There is no try.

Please don't Yoda me.

Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, feeling just like you do.

And this really nice guy came up to talk to me.

I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was.

And, I don't know, it felt like my whole world opened up that day.

- (chuckles)
- Wow, that's a touching story.

So when are we gonna start touching?

I'm sorry, what?

I say we head out to the parking lot, get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?

No! No, gross!

Fine, Prince Harry.

I'll pop for a hotel room.

But that means we're doing everything.

Okay. Y-You're awful!

Well, at least I'm not a tease.

What a waste of an afternoon.

Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out.

Feeling kind of lost and alone.

You, run.

C-C-Can someone give me a ride?

I need to go after the guy I was here with.

Let's go. He's worth it.

Ooh, a hat.

Fun.

ALEX: I don't know about this.

Come on, honey, I picked it out.

I'm not gonna judge you. I swear.

(gasps) You look beautiful.

I love it.

Really? It's not too much?

Let the prudes leave something to the imagination.

Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get a piece of that," huh?

(laughs)

Uch.

How about lingerie?

Mm.

Yes, um, I would love your input on my lingerie.

What would Bill like?

Oh, something with snaps.

He doesn't like complicated garments.

He's easily frustrated. (chuckles)

That is so fun to know.

Um, can I just say, I am so comfortable with your sexuality.

Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality has made me more comfortable with my sexuality.

Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, I would shoot myself.

(vocalizing "The Imperial March" sadly)

(vehicle approaching)

MITCHELL: Phil!

Phil!

What are you doing?

I am so sorry!

Well, you should be!

Phil!

Hear him out, he feels terrible!

You were right about Gil! He's awful!

He has no redeeming qualities, well, except for his taste in men!
(chuckles)

You know how important this was to me?!

Of course!

I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan as you are!

It was never about Star Wars!

It was about spending time with you!

Oh, really?!

Yes!

Well, I love spending time with you!

You do?!

Totally!

You're like the brother I never had!

What?! That's crazy cakes!

- I say that about you all the time!
- Stop it!

I had a totally different idea about what this was, but it's still beautiful!

Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!

Hey, what's going on?

Today's been a lot.

Ugh. Same.

You know, I don't say it enough, but I am so glad that you and I can talk about anything.

Something happen with Alex?

I don't want to talk about it.

(sighs)

What brings you to the floor?

Well...it seems I've gone and gotten myself...

- ...promoted.
- (chuckles)

- Haley, that's fantastic!
- (chuckles)

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh...
I get my own parking spot and an "IRA."

I guess that's my assistant's name or something?

Sweetheart, I'm very proud of you.

You really pulled it together.

Yeah, well, I still have a lot of stuff to figure out.

Of course you do.

Everyone does at your age.

Boy, I know I did. (chuckles)

Did you ever regret having me when you did?

Like how it kinda derailed your career?

Hmm... (sighs)

I didn't love it at first.

But then I saw this face.

Mm.

And you were lucky enough to have Dad.

He was born to be a parent.

This is gonna come as a surprise to you, but your dad was a different guy than you think.

What?! Who?! Is that why I'm so short?!

No! Haley!

Oh.

When I met your father, he did not have his life together.

(breathes deeply) But to his credit, he really stepped up when I got pregnant, and I think that's what made it work.

You know, having someone to depend on.

Hmm.

How did I get down this road?

(laughing) I don't know!

- (chuckles)
- Beats me.

Bye!

Okay.

Why is Alex leaving the house dressed like a flasher?

She and I agreed not to discuss it.

Her sexual awakening has been tough on all of us.

Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Second and for the Dolphins.

Thompson, I see you, I hear you, and I'm listening!

I would have preferred you stuck to the play we called, but I respect your independent spirit!

(grunts)

Okay, Pitkowski, treat the area around the quarterback as a "safe space," and think of the other team's defenders as destructive thoughts trying to attack our self-esteem!

It's not working.

I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot.

Hey!

You died out and became Swedes!

Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

Our championship is on the line.

You gotta do something.

Men, this is the biggest moment of your life and I don't know how to fire you up!

My original plan was to come in here, single out the under-performers and throw diapers at them!

Now I realize that could beinterpreted as insensitive or, perhaps, anti-baby!

I'm sorry, but the football field was always my safe space, okay?!

It's where, in high school, I first gained the respect of my peers, and if I'm being honest, where I'd hoped I'd finally gain the admiration of my father-in-law.

Now I feel like I've just...

(voice breaking) let you all down.

You want to know how I feel?

Hurt that Coach Tucker doesn't know how much we appreciate him.

Triggered because he's got to apologize for a few words after all he's done to prove himself as a man and a coach.

I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me... and I'm "cissy-gendered" enough to admit it.

And from now on,

I'm gonna make sure that Coach Tucker knows he's a person of value I admire and respect.

Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect!

Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect!

ALL: Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect!

Coach Tucker's a person of value I admire and respect!

Now let's go take it to these guys, who I'm sure are blessed with other gifts but are not great at football!

Let's go!

(indistinct shouting and cheering)

Can you believe they bought it?

Bought what?

PRINCIPAL BROWN: We live in sensitive times.

DYLAN: Nothing?

No brain at all? (chuckles)

Well, that's gonna hurt my career.

So we must evolve if we want to succeed.

(camera shutter clicking)

Sometimes that requires us to share our vulnerabilities...

Thanks.

...so that we can see one another in a new way.

How are you doing?

I think I'm okay with it.

I'm scared.

But it's less scary knowing I'm going through it with you.

That concludes today's non-denominational inspirational affirmation.

Have the day that's right for you.

Let's see those little bastards complain about that.

Oh, no!

That's right, guys, high knees, high knees.

Commie to your left!

Commie to your right!

Stop dragging, Pitkowski,

they're coming after your sweetheart!

You know what they did to Poland!

Well, I want to stop this, but there's nothing in the guidelines about Communists.

Now, we're high like a hippie!

We're bending over like a...

Okay! Shut it down, Jay!

All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you.

Attaboy.

There you go.

(boys coughing)