08x20 - Poker Night

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: L.A. in the ' s.

It was all sunshine, palm trees, and movie stars, and nothing captured that West Coast magic quite like Randy Newman's iconic anthem...

♪ I love L.A. ♪ ♪♪ ♪ We love it ♪

Randy Newman... now there's a man who oozes laid-back, California cool.

He looks like your friend's dad, the one who doesn't work really.

And his lyrics really tell you what L.A. is all about by name-checking five different boulevards.

So many boulevards.

While also giving it to New York and Chicago for being in a different climate.

He's right, it is cold there sometimes.

If I hadn't promised to spend spring break helping Joanne move, I'd so be in La La Land, partying at Spago with Sigourney Weaver, James Worthy, and Duran Duran.

None of those people will let you in their party.

It's my party!

I may not let them in.

So you're gonna travel to a city where you know no one and throw a party?

At a Malibu mansion!

At a mansion you don't own!

We got a day rate!

To pivot this conversation to anything else...

Erica, what are you doing for spring break?

- Moping more?

- Yes.

I lost the love of my life, so I'm allowed to be down.

I'm just gonna focus on my studies.

Hey!

Barry!

I usually don't care about you, but you need to snap out of this funk by jetting off to sunny California.

You and Randy Newman may love L.A., but I'm fine here in chilly Philly, home of okay pizza.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Barry's right.

And I can't believe I am saying this, but Adam is right in that I am right.

I'm sorry, but the only place I want to be is away from this conversation.

Who's getting away?

Tell me you're not doing something selfish, like joining the Peace Corps.

Barry wants me to go to L.A.

L.A.?

[Scoffs]

Those health nuts don't cheese anything, and "sugar" is just something your agent calls you.

Don't worry.

I just want to hunker down and not run into Geoff.

Well, there's no fear of that.

He's already left for spring break.

To where?

Daytona?

South Padre?

I don't care.

Tell me now!

Okay, I-I don't care.

Those beaches are inappropriate.

The only time a T-shirt should be wet is when Adam goes swimming in front of his classmates.

Mom got a doctor to say that I had a medical excuse.

Well, I'm getting the hell out of here, too.

Yes!

I have the perfect spring break idea.

A mother-daughter trip to the New England Cranberry Festival!

Exactly, but not that at all.

Barry's right.

I'm gonna go to L.A.

I need to escape even thinking about Geoff.

If there's one thing I've learned from my volatile love life, it's that impulsive decisions are the first step to healing.

And I get to spend time with my best gal pal.

- She's talking about me.

- Lainey Lewis!

Please let Lainey know that I have moved on with Joanne,

- and I am disgustingly happy.

- ERICA: I won't.

But I guess you were the one that said L.A., so thanks.

Yay!

My middle Schmoopie helping my oldest Schmoopie while my youngest Schmoopie looks on.

♪ I love my schmoos ♪

Oh, no!

She's co-opted the Randy Newman song and ruined its message of municipal pride!

♪ Look at that Adam ♪ ♪ Look at that Barry ♪

♪ Look at that Erica, too ♪ ♪ I love my schmoos ♪

- She loves us!

- I love 'em!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was May , -something,

and my best friend, Dave Kim, and I

were about to get life-changing news.

Madman Ad-man!

Radical Ad-ical!

You guys have cool nicknames for ol' Dave Kim?

Hmm.

How about Buttface?

- [Laughs] - Backing off that, I like Buttbreath for you.

Oh, love it!

But we called someone Buttbreath last year.

Maybe we go with Buttbrain.

I like the internal alliteration, but a-are we married to the whole butt area?

Because Asshat is right there.

Took us a while, but we got it.

- You're Asshat.

- Thank you.

So what brings you guys to the part of the cafeteria where the sun's healthy light doesn't reach?

We wanted to invite you to this.

Gentlemen, welcome to poker night.

But Barry told me poker night was just a William Penn urban legend created by people "jealous of his physical and mental dominance."

You hear the holes in it when you say it out loud.

Asshat's right.

I probably shouldn't be asking this, given my fluctuating social standing,

- but why us?

- Two seats opened up.

Chris Flanagan got sent to m*llitary school for kissing his stepsister, and Alec Ames is awaiting trial for the victimless crime of armed as*ault.

- Poker!

- [Both laugh] Did you know when you have the best hand it's called "having the nuts"?

"Having the nuts," Dave Kim!

No wonder people love poker!

I always thought poker players were insufferable, but not when it's us!

Pssht!

No one ever learned stuff from a book.

I'll teach you everything you need to know.

Is that a Popsicle shaped like a baseball glove?

Dave Kim knows his sports foods.

Barry, every word you say is the best argument for why we don't need your help.

Well, there's no way Mom's gonna let you have a night of debauchery.

We've got it covered.

I told her I'm sleeping at Dave Kim's.

And I said I was sleeping here.

Dammit!

That's rock solid.

Nothing will stop us from an epic night of "having the nuts"!

That was until this happened.

Poker night's cancelled?!

My mom started dating a cop.

He sniffed it out.

Sorry, bros.

No venue, no game.

[School bell rings]

Gah!

Oh!

For a few brief joyful moments, I forgot you work here.

And I forgot you were a lying sack of dog crap.

Whoa!

I'm your special schmoopy!

Yeah, a schmoopy who lied to his mama about spending the night at a friend's house instead of playing games of chance with degenerates!

How'd you find out about that?

Who do you think set up Corbett's mom with Officer Carl?

Oh, damn your extraordinary matchmaking skills!

You used to be my sweet baby boy, afraid of the world, and now you'll be a hardened card fiend, willing to bet it all.

Card fiend?

It's a friendly game.

Please, my manicurist's son put a single nickel into a slot machine.

Next thing you know, he's playing Russian Roulette to settle his cockfighting debts.

He sh*t himself in the cheek, dimple to dimple.

Now when he swigs water, he sprays like an Italian fountain.

None of that ever happened.

Well, it's not happening to you, so go to class thankful you don't have any extra holes in your tiny perfect body, and we'll figure out your punishment later.

I think you discussing my holes at school is punishment enough, but okay.

While my poker night had gone bust, my sister was all-in for her trip to L.A.

[Horn honks]

Excuse me, you look super familiar.

Are you a famous movie star?

Yeah, I think it's because we went to high school together and you're my best friend.

I knew it was from something.

Oh, my God!

- I've missed you!

- So much!

You sure?

Because it seems like L.A.'s working out.

What is this car?

Oh, this old thing?

It's fun to have the top down, but you'd be surprised how often pedestrians touch you at red lights.

Tell me everything.

How's your music going?

So great.

I mean, there's a chance I could click the radio on right now and hear my latest single.

ANNOUNCER: Coldwater Canyon is the scene of a grisly m*rder today...

So, how are you holding up?

Fine.

So fine.

So show me the town!

Uh, it's more of a sprawling, shoddily designed metropolis without an obvious center, but let's do it.

ADULT ADAM: They saw the real L.A....

smog, traffic, a pretty noticeable wealth gap, and this neighborhood

Oh, is this where Daniel-San and his single mom lived in "The Karate Kid"?

- That's so much nicer than here.

- Hm.

This is a fun little pocket neighborhood called La Sangre De Los Condenados.

The blood of the damned?

Look at you.

Two years of high school Spanish paid off.

[Siren wails in distance]

I can't lie to you anymore...

I live here.

I'm so confused.

We were gonna stay at this home of a producer I know who's in Aspen, but then I have to send him pictures of my feet.

I thought you were doing great and your song is on the radio.

I said that my song could've been on the radio...

if I had a song.

Which I don't.

Or any prospects of any kind.

But what about this fancy car?

I rented it with every penny of next month's rent.

It's future Lainey's problem.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I know you were broken up about Geoff and wanted a kick-ass spring break, and I didn't want you worrying that I have $ and live in this hellhole.

So you were just pretending to be successful so that I wouldn't worry about you and we could focus on my issues?

[Horn honks in distance]

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend!

And you're both my best friend!

Get outta here, Jim!

We're having a moment.

It's not all terrible.

I did book a small gig tomorrow.

Hey, maybe you'd want to do it with me?

You mean get the band back together?

Hell yeah.

You know, I used to be a Little Rascal!

While Lainey and Erica were reconnected, my lies were about to get me disconnected.

ADAM: Oh, come on!

You can't save your progress in "Super Mario Bros."!

You think you can just spend the day with Marco and Linguini as if nothing happened?

Do you even know what I did?

Whatever it is, I'm very disappointed!

You heard your father.

You're gonna go to Pop-Pop's and help him out around the house.

Pop-Pop?!

He doesn't need my help.

He's energized by a lifetime of spite and resentment.

You're gonna help him put on his compression socks.

Open the sock real wide so his nails don't snag the material.

That reminds me... bring the toe clippers.

Do you know how to do a medical pedicure?

Is this punishment or just a bunch of stuff you don't want to do?

Why can't it be both?

I'm still a child!

I shouldn't have to learn about the world this way.

You're !

It's about time for the blinders to come off.

- I'm .

- So are your grandpa's heel spurs, which need sanding.

Ugh!

This is cruel and unusual!

You should have thought of that before you did or didn't do the thing that you did or didn't do.

♪♪ Whoa, wha...

Look, I don't want to be here any more than you do, so spackle away.

It's great to see you, Pop-Pop.

Oh, cut the crap.

So what did you do to get saddled with foot duty?

I got in trouble for lying about a poker game, and my mom shut it down.

Poker, huh?

You know, I used to run a weekly game here with the fellas.

You had a poker game?

Also, you had fellas?

Eh, more like suckers I'd hustle.

[Chuckles] Hey, do me a favor...

open that closet over there.

♪♪ Well, why don't ya have your game here?

[Gasps] Are you serious?

Hey, look, I'm bored and I'm broke, huh?

I'd never miss a chance to fleece a buncha dumb kids.

Those seem like all the wrong reasons, but it would solve a minor social problem, so hell yeah!

Relax, it's just a game.

We're not kissing nurses in Times Square.

Huh?

Back to the foot.

As I found a way to bring poker night back, Erica and Lainey were back to rocking out, except the gig was for a -year-old's birthday.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle little star ♪ ♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

LAINEY: Thank you, Encino!

This is fun.

Rich L.A.

people blow their money on the dumbest stuff.

- I mean, look, there's a sushi chef.

- Oh, my God.

Ashley's dad is Tom Marquez?

He books the Roxy!

You need to give him your demo!

I totally would if I had a demo.

- What do I do?

- I don't know.

But he's coming over right now, so act cool.

Hey, you're a star.

Thank you.

I mean, I think I put a little too much vibrato on "Wheels On The Bus," but I guess you see my raw talent.

Nah, the costumes.

You're a star.

She's a moon.

- Good stuff.

- Oh, right.

And I really hope to play your club one day.

- Fine.

How's tonight?

- Tonight?

Holy crap.

Yes!

How is this happening?

- Eh, it's a holiday Monday.

- We'll take it!

Oh, my God!

The Roxy?!

Is this what L.A. is?

A place where dreams come true in the backyard of a children's party?

It's all because you're here.

Everything's better when we're together.

I wish it could be this way all the time.

Actually, I guess it could be.

- What are you saying right now?

- I could move here.

Geoff isn't what's missing from my life.

- It's you!

- It is me!

[Chuckles]

Could you give us a hand with the cake?

It's heavy.

There's a Laker Girl in it.

Okay.

♪♪ I had upped the ante and teamed with Pop-Pop for a poker party.

All I had to do was round up a crew for a legendary night.

Check it!

Everyone gets their own pouch of Big League Chew.

We can act like we're dipping tobacco, but, really, we're enjoying mediocre gum!

Candy and decorations?

Y'all gonna make Tex Monte Carlo look like a fool.

Tex Monte Carlo?

I'm an international riverboat gambler and man of justice.

I get into and out of danger, usually involving money, women, or both.

Well, take it back to the mighty Mississippi because you're not invited.

Monte stays.

Besides, we can use a cooler.

- I am the coolest.

- A cooler is an unlucky person

- who "cools" someone on a hot streak.

- Whatever.

At least I'm not bringing jelly beans to a poker party.

Monte's right.

This place looks like The Good Ship Lollipop.

Come on.

We got to liven the vibe here.

Ooh, like a nice Greek platter with pita and cheeses and hummus.

Not at all.

And don't get me started with the Greeks.

Come on, come on, let's go.

See, the reason that Atlantic City plies people with stogies, booze, and broads is that the less clear the head, the more cash they drop.

Bar, is it okay that Pop-Pop's buying us beer, smokes, and smut?

Adam, this man is your grandfather.

Honor him and grab me that Playboy with La Toya Jackson on the cover.

Hey, stop slow-dancing with each other!

Let's go.

Someone's gotta pay.

I was set up for the best night ever, but like any good poker player, I had to do a little bluffing.

- How's my dad?

- Well, actually...

It wasn't a conversation starter.

Just say fine, and we're good.

I just hope you learned your lesson.

So many lessons.

In fact, you broke my troublemaking spirit, so I'm gonna freshen up and head back over.

Our sweet boy has returned to us.

[Chuckles] Thank God I was there to help him change course.

Can you imagine a parent allowing this to happen under her own nose?

You saved me, Mama.

I'll probably stay late and watch "The Tonight Show"...

Joan Rivers is guest host.

[As Joan Rivers] "Can we talk?!"

She sounds exactly like that!

[Laughs]

- Oh, we got a good one with him.

- He's a winner.

While my parents couldn't read my poker face, Lainey and Erica celebrated their big gig at L.A.'s finest ' s eatery...

the Cheesecake Factory.

So they don't even call your name?

No, they page you, just like a doctor or, in rarer cases, a dentist.

Wow.

L.A. people are just better than us.

Yeah, the only knock on this place is the traffic.

But trust me, they're gonna figure it out.

Oh, God.

Look who it is.

If it's TV's Webster, just play it cool and do not pick him up.

He looks like an adorable toddler, but he's actually .

No, it's Geoff.

[Gasps] Heyyyy, this is weird.

I thought you were going to Fort Lauderdale or something.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I love sun and sand, but I'll probably just surf here.

You know, hanging loose and hanging ten and all the other hangings.

- You surf now?

- I'm sort of a big wave chaser.

Haven't seen you in a while, so I guess anything's possible.

Cowabunga and whatnot.

Geoffrey!

You can't wander off with the buzzer!

Oh, it's Erica and the one people talk about.

- Hi, girls.

- Hey, look, it's my dad!

On my surfin' safari.

What?

I haven't been in the ocean in years.

You know what's in there?

Fur seals... very aggressive!

Right, you just like to support me from the beach.

The beach?

It takes minutes to put sunscreen on this body.

I'd rather sit in the dark.

Dad, why don't you just take the buzzer?

Okay, but hurry.

Your mother won't stop about trying peach iced tea.

Who puts fruit in tea?

The nerve!

To be clear, everything I said about surfing is a lie.

I came here with my parents to go to an optometry convention and to escape you.

But ha ha, didn't work.

Okay, goodbye.

Geoff, wait.

It's really good to see you.

And this crazy amazing thing happened.

W-We're playing the Roxy tonight!

That's the biggest opportunity you've ever had.

Well, since you're in town, you should come.

I mean, if you want.

I'm sure you have eye business with your dad.

So much eye business, but, yeah, maybe.

Maybe is great!

It's happening!

The thingamajig is buzzing!

We're all here!

As Erica was betting Geoff would make it to her big show, I was already all-in on poker night.

I'm already down $ .

- But this is the best night of my life!

- I know, Dave Kim!

Kudos, boys.

You pulled this off.

Also, it's weird your brother's here.

You're just scared.

Same way your forefathers and fore-brothers were too terrified of my card skills.

- The bet's on you.

- Are, uh, threes or nines wild?

For the last time, no.

Then lucky for you I fold again.

- Yeah, me too.

- I'm out.

That means I win!

Full disclosure...

I had nothing!

[Chuckling] Attaboy, kid.

Thanks for teaching me bluffing, Pop-Pop.

And these are useful skills you can use in real life, like when someone wants you to join the Army or get married.

Yep, the night was going better than expected.

Until this happened.

What in the [bleep]?!

Mom, before you get upset, I can explain!

Barry, explain!

Mm-hmm.

Simple.

I came to keep Adam from the seductive and lonely life of a professional card player.

Then why are you dressed like Kenny Rogers from "The Gambler"?

That guy dresses like me!

[Gasps] I'm so sorry!

Blondie?!

You chase away the marks?

I almost had enough to buy that top-shelf mac and cheese.

Not the best timing, Pop-Pop.

Not only did you lie to me, you took advantage of your unsound grandfather.

I'm sorry!

But there were some life lessons, too!

He taught me the art of the bluff.

Well, you are grounded for the rest of your life, including adulthood, old age, and whatever afterlife you thought you might enjoy.

Now tell me... am I bluffing?

I fold.

While my mom brought down the poker game, Erica and Lainey were hoping to bring the house down.

We're actually here, at the Roxy, on Sunset.

Can you believe this is happening?!

I know, right?

Although I kinda thought Geoff would make it.

I mean, he's never missed one of my shows.

Oh, yeah, your ex-boyfriend.

That's definitely where my mind's at, too.

But it was true.

Geoff had always been there for Erica.

Whoo!

I'm dating the lead singer and I took a bus up here at the drop of a hat 'cause I wanted to be supportive!

You're a genius.

I love you, Erica!

Next up is a power duo with a hot look and a sound I'm hoping is okay.

Welcome, Trixie and the Firecat Quartet!

That's not our name!

It's...

Welcome... these people.

[Applause] Thank you!

I'm Lainey, and this is my best friend, Erica.

She's moving here.

And, uh, we'll be able to see each other and play together and swap clothes like in high school.

Is that too much detail?

I haven't done patter in a while.

Let me give it a sh*t.

Um, this one goes out to my new home, Tinseltown!

- Whoo!

- Swimming pools and movie stars!

- Black gold and Texas tea!

- Is that "The Beverly Hillbillies"?

You were right.

This is hard.

Um, and I did tell Geoff it was The Roxy, right?

Yes, it was very clear!

- Play music!

- Two-three-four!

[Rock version of "I Love L.A." plays]

♪♪ ♪ From the South Bay to the Valley ♪ ♪ From the West Side to the East Side ♪ ♪ Everybody's very happy ♪ ♪ 'Cause the sun is shining all the time ♪ ♪ Looks like another perfect day ♪ ♪ I love L.A. ♪ ♪♪ ♪ We love it ♪ ♪♪ ♪ We love it ♪

Yeah, despite crushing an iconic L.A. song at an iconic L.A. venue, my sister couldn't help but hope that Geoff would be there for her like always.

He made it, he made it!

Except he didn't.

♪ Century Boulevard ♪

- Are you okay?

- ♪ We love it ♪

- He didn't come.

- ♪ Victory Boulevard!

♪ - Probably just traffic.

- ♪ We love it!

♪ - At midnight?

- ♪ Santa Monica Boulevard ♪

Please don't cry!

[Voice breaking] ♪ We love it!

♪ I'm sorry.

I can't do this!

We love L.A!

The feeling's not mutual!

That's fair.

After my mom crashed the party, it went from epic poker night to epic poker nightmare.

What's Mom doing in the kitchen?!

Deciding the best way to k*ll us.

Obviously, the answer is ice b*ll*ts.

They melt fast, leave no trace, but she may go her own way.

Okay, I splashed cold water on my face and punched what looked to be a water cooler jug half-filled with pennies.

Be careful with that.

That's your inheritance.

Are you calm and ready to talk in a reasonable way?

I am.

[Laughs]

You're all piece-of-[bleep] [bleep]

and you should be ashamed of yourselves!

- Mama, no!

- And?

[Scoffs] Dr.

Beckwith's Ginger Beer?

When I found out that Adam wasn't old enough to cross the street by himself, I changed it up to soda pop.

Oh, dammit, that is refreshing without being too sweet.

Mmm.

Okay, well, what about the cigar stench?

Yeah, I lit a stogie.

But the kids started to cough and asked me to stop.

You know, if there's another w*r, we're doomed.

Doesn't matter.

Adam, gather your things.

I'm taking you home, forever.

Hey, hold on, kid.

You don't have to punish the kid on my account.

Oh, all of a sudden you're concerned about Adam's well-being after you get him hooked on hot dice and Caribbean studs?

All I know is I liked having him around.

When he came over to do my feet, it was nice.

Ben, are you telling me you're lonely?

No!

I got my friends on the local news.

But...

yeah.

Pop-Pop, you didn't have to let me have my game here just so I'd hang out with you.

- Ah, you're just saying that.

- I'm not.

You're not terrible all the time.

That's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

♪♪ Oh.

Oh.

Dammit, this is beautiful.

All right, all right, that's enough mush.

♪ Life is so strange ♪

So you dragging the kid outta here or what?

What do you say, Mom?

Can we stay a little?

[Chuckles] Barry, get over here.

Turns out you get what you want out of life by being honest with the people you love.

- [All aww'ing] - Of course, to do that, you have to be honest with yourself.

♪♪ I'm so, so sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

This was your first big gig here and I ruined it.

I don't care about the gig, Erica.

I care about you.

This is a really bad start to my life in L.A.

Here's the thing...

I don't think you should have a life in L.A.

This was just a setback.

- Today was huge for us.

- It was.

But I think you have something even bigger to get back to.

What are you saying?

Babe, we were just onstage at the Roxy, but you were somewhere else.

I just really wanted him to come.

That's why I think you have to go back home and figure it out.

But what about you?

I'm your good-luck charm.

- Or I was until like minutes ago.

- You still are!

I was sputtering before you got here.

Being on that stage with you reminded me of why I moved here in the first place.

Lainey Lewis, you are a true rock star.

What would I be without my number-one fan?

♪ And then you won't know ♪

Sometimes in life, you're not dealt the cards you want, but if you're surrounded by family, you'll always come out a winner.

♪ Destination unknown ♪ ♪♪

ADAM: Say hello to the camera, Pop-Pop.

♪♪

[Ding!]

♪♪ You sure you want to bet?

I've already won everything you own.

Your car keys, your hockey trophy, your mint-condition Mike Schmidt card.

[Groans] And the spear g*n you bought after you saw "Jaws." That spear g*n is for home protection!

And I'm gonna win it all back right now starting with this hand.

I raise you $ .

- You have cents.

- Then I raise you cents.

- You're clearly bluffing.

- Am I?

For sure.

I call with a queen-high flush.

Dammit!

Are my emotions so easy to discern?!

- Yep, I read you like a book.

- This game sucks!

Also your cards reflect in your glasses.