01x06 - The Front Door

[bunniefuu]

"The Front Door"

Frankie: (screaming) Axl! Axl, get out of bed now! Now! I said, now!

(Grunts)

Frankie: Okay, I know this doesn't look good. But in fairness to me, this wasn't how the morning started.

(knock on door)

Axl, honey, time to get up.

Come on, sleepyhead.

(Groans)

Rise and shine.

Axl, the bus comes in 15 minutes.

Let's go!

(Axl grunts)

You get the picture.

God. Overreact much?

You missed the bus, and now I have to drive you to school!

Get dressed!

(Sighs)

And take your plate to the kitchen!

In case you hadn't heard, we had to let the room service waiters go, due to the economy!

Being a parent is a lot like being a cop in a bad part of town.

When you're up against a felon, or, in our case, teenager, it's good to know you've got backup.

Mike?

I have had it with him. He won't get out of bed, he leaves his dirty dishes in the hall, I ask him to do anything, I get...

(Imitates Axl's sigh)

Well, he had a game last night.

He's probably tired.

Don't make excuses for him!

I need you to back me up here, Mike.

Okay, yes, I will do that.

I will back you up. Just say the word.

Just say, "Mike, I'm weak. I can't control my child.

I need your supreme parenting skills."

Will you just kick his ass, please?

I'm going in. (Knocks on counter top)

Axl, I'm gonna count to three!

One...

Two...

Hey, buddy. Heck of a game last night.

Anyway, I think you'd better get up, get ready for school.

And try not to set off your mom like that, okay?

Don't poke the bear.

The bear's stressed out and tired.

And, uh, take this plate to the kitchen for me, will you?

Thanks, pal.

And I mean it!

So after a stressful morning with Axl, work was almost like a break.

You people are the sorriest bunch of losers I've ever laid eyes on.

I said, "Almost."

And to reward you for that achievement, anyone who can't sell a car by this time next week is gonna find themselves out on the street.

You're gonna fire us?

Forget that.

I'm gonna put you out on the street in that dog suit. (chuckles)

Man: Loser!

Which one of you is gonna be the head, and which one is gonna be the tail?

I have asthma, so I have to be up near the mouth.

Ehlert: Now I want to hear this sales bell ringing like a trolley car in Nancy town.

(Rings bell)

Got no room for dead weight around here.

Speaking of which, Frances...

My office.

So, Frances, how would you describe your sales technique?

Well, I try to connect personally with the customer, um, give them honest information about the car they're thinking of buying.

I oughta fire you right now. I don't get it.

I read that women want to buy cars from other women.

That's why I went against all judgment and hired one.

Now you got a chance here to carry the torch for all the lady-kind or burn the whole deal down.

It's up to you.

(Chuckles)

I'm kind of like the Rosa Parks of Ehlert Cars, huh?

Rosa Parks? Don't even get me started on her.

Now look...

You gotta find your game, and quick!

Sounds wrong to put a woman in a dog suit, but... Aw, hell. (Laughing)

Doesn't sound wrong at all.

(Chuckles)

What are you doing?

Making a pyramid out of sugar cubes.

(Whispers) Sugar cubes.

Oh, no.

No! Don't tell me you have a class project due tomorrow.

(Normal voice) No, it's not due until next week.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but this was a milestone in Brick's life...

And mine. He was a full six and a half days ahead of his usual schedule.

A papier-mâché Niagara Falls... by morning?

(Mouth full) Seriously, Brick?

A Choctaw medicine man costume by lunch?

(Exhales deeply)

I'm gonna need some more sugar cubes.

Sugar cubes? You got it. No problem.

Six and a half days... I'll get you a truckload.

Mom? School pictures came today.

Oh, God, no. Please, no.

I was just on a sugar cube high, and now this.

I haven't looked yet.

Oh, boy.

Okay, let's do this together.

Sue has many wonderful qualities, but we've never seen any of them show up on film.

(Sighs)

(Clears throat)

Okay, no biggie.

We just have to go for a retake, right?

But to get a retake, I have to give this one back.

What if the retake picture is worse than this?

I'll be stuck with it!

I think it's worth the risk.

And maybe next time...

I know, I know. Just relax and be myself.

No! Remember, we tried that last year? And...

Maybe if you thought of something pleasant, like a rainbow or Ashton Kutcher.

There you go!

Perfect! Now can you do that again tomorrow?

No. I'm just gonna hold it till then. (Chuckles)

Hey. How was work? How's...

Oh, no. Is it school picture time again? Damn it!

Why the hell do they do this, year after year?

This kid...

I know.

She's having it retaken.

Wait a minute.

Is that Axl's plate from this morning on the floor?

At least it made it into the kitchen.

(Sighs)

Hang on. What are you doing?

I can't get into another battle with him today, Mike.

I am exhausted.

You know, picture day and everything?

No. You told him to clean up his mess, I told him to clean up his mess...

He's gonna clean up his mess.

(Yawning) Well, call me if you need backup.

(Hip-hop music playing)

(Sighs deeply)

Look what I found.

Oh, hey, thanks, man.

No, you moron.

It's the sandwich I told you to throw away this morning.

What were you thinking?

Hey, Axl. Look at me.

(Mouse clicking)

(Rock music playing)

Look at me and continue looking at me.

Better. I thought I told you to throw this sandwich away.

No, you said, "Take it to the kitchen."

And throw it out.

You didn't say that.

Okay. Well, then let me break it down for you so you won't get confused.

You're gonna take this plate... The one with the sandwich on it and take it to the kitchen... The room with the sink, and you're gonna throw the sandwich in the garbage, and you're gonna put the dirty dish in the dishwasher.

And you're going to do this after every meal, for as long as you live in this house.

Got it?

Fine, whatever. Yeah.

Now.

I'll get to it. Chill.

(Power turns off)

Oh, God! (Grunts) You are always on me! Fine!

And while we're on the subject, your mom and I are sick of your attitude. From now on, when she asks you to do something, you do it.

You got to admit... My partner is pretty hot.

Also, you're gonna start earning your keep around here.

As a matter of fact, your mom has a whole list of things she wants you to do. Go, Frankie.

Oh! Um... (Exhales sharply) Yes.

There's a lot of stuff for you to do.

Just give me a second. Um...

(Whispers) Kind of on the spot here.

Okay, well, whatever she comes up with, you're gonna do it with a smile on your face...

Rake the leaves!

Fold the laundry, uh, clean the light fixtures...

Ooh, they're coming now. Uh...

You can't do this!

You heard your mother.

God! This is so unfair!

And you're gonna fix that, too.

No way! No. It was already broken.

Mom has been telling you to fix that hinge for, like, a month!

Right, Mom?

Uh...

I support your father.

Classic!

And this door stays right where it is until you march your butt back here and fix it!

Oh, I forgot to mention... Two days a week, the "Orson Herald" puts out an evening edition.

(Smack)

The next morning, we still didn't have a front door.

And even though folks in Orson, Indiana, brag about never having to lock their doors, it's still good to have one to leave unlocked.

What are we gonna do?

Well, honey, your father says Axl has to put the door back on, and I support your father.

You still don't have a door?

I support your father.

(Sighs) But, mom.

Oh, sh**t! My smile!

On cop shows, partners back each other up no matter what.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't have made our parenting rules based on cop shows.

(Sighs)

Meanwhile, it was amazing what the thr*at of a dog suit will do to motivate a sales team.

Ow!

Pete Miller. How you doing?

(Clanging)

(Laughs)

(Imitates g*nsh*t)

I had to find my game, and fast.

First I started out with a tried and true classic.

Bob and I teamed up for a little good cop-bad cop.

And I completely agree.

I think 15,500 is a very reasonable offer.

I was the good cop...

$15,500? Are you insane? That is way too high.

What are you trying to do to these poor people?

And so, apparently, was Bob.

(Lowered voice) What are you doing?

You're supposed to be the bad cop.

No, you're bad cop. You're helping me sell the car.

No, you're helping me.

Why would I do that? I spent four years as the birthday rat at Chuck E. Cheese.

I can't go back in a furry head.

(Bell clanging)

Man: Attention, all sales personnel...

We are out of sugar cubes in the coffee area.

Plan accordingly.

(Dog barks in distance)

(Sighs)

Wow.

You must have bought out the entire store.

Sure. Let's go with that.

Thanks, Mom.

Mm-hmm. Hey.

Oh. Is that the new picture?

Well?

Not good.

Now, now. Let me be the...

Ooh. Yeah. No, that is not good.

What even is that face?

I had a blister in my mouth, and I was feeling it with my tongue.

Why would you do that while he's taking the picture?

(Sighs) I just can't stop.

So what do I do now?

I only have one retake left.

I think you gotta double down.

Axl.

Dad.

Truth be told, I was getting a little worried, 'cause when it comes to being stubborn, Axl and Mike had a history.

Axl, you're too old for a diaper.

You're not leaving there till you go in the potty.

Fine. I'll wait.

Gotta say "Please."

Fine. I'll wait.

Please?

Yep, till now, Mike would always win, but Axl was growing up.

Fine. I can wait.

I got nothing but time.

Yes, we knew they both could wait, but could we?

But I had bigger things to worry about.

Over the next few days, I tried every sales trick in the book.

I tried being one of the guys...

Check out the power plant on this baby.

Step on the accelerator, she'll throw you back like a nickel hooker at a truck stop.

(Bell clangs)

I tried being one of the girls...

I started my period today.

Men... They're distant, huh?

(Clanging)

While Mike tried every trick in his book.

Axl, no door, no TV.

(Turns TV off)

No door, no phone.

(Beep)

No door, no food.

"No door, no food"?

Yeah, you're right. That could take weeks.

No door, no water.

Wh... are... ugh!

Mike, seriously, what is your plan here?

Relax. I've got it all under control.

I don't know that you do. I mean, what if he never caves?

(Whispers) What if he figures out we have no real power?

What if the sun explodes?

You can worry about it all day, but it's not gonna happen.

And besides, he's the one that broke the door.

Pfft. Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think it's not his fault?

Careful. Careful.

I'm just saying that someone might have been telling someone for three months to replace the hinge.

Look, Frankie, if we let him win, things will never be the same around here.

Look, I know you're tired...

I am not tired.

Yeah, I'm pretty much always tired.

Okay, you say the word, and we will back off.

What is the word? I'll say it. I'll say it right now.

There's no word. We're not backing off.

Fine.

You are so stubborn.

I'll be at work.

Imagine me slamming the door!

Unbelievable.

Still no sugar cubes.

It's weird. (Chuckles nervously)

(Ice rattles)

Ooh. Pretty warm in there, huh?

Oh, uh, the heat's not that bad.

The... The stench is what's hard to take.

It smells like a rotting carcass shoved up the butt of a rotting carcass.

So... Pretty unpleasant, I'm guessing.

On the plus side, the legs are stiff from dried sweat, so you can black out in here and bam! You're still standing.

Mm. How about that?

You two are just about the same size. Wow.

Day seven without a door... Or was it day nine?

I had lost track and the feeling in my fingertips.

Can I turn up the heat?

(Sighs) Dad says no.

But I have to take my picture tomorrow, and I'm gonna have a red nose.

I said I support your father, and I support your father.

Oh, Brick. Oh, wow!

You finished it. Oh, it's beautiful.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

That's your school project.

No, it isn't. The pyramid was just for fun.

My project's the State Capitol Building.

It's due tomorrow.

What?

I'm gonna need some tongue depressors, 1,500 stir sticks and a giant green Styrofoam ball.

Okay.

Here's what's gonna happen...

We're gonna stick a Hoosier flag on top of this thing and pray for a "C".

If you need me, I'll be sitting on the space heater.

Who the hell are you?

We wanted to talk to you about the Kingdom of Jehovah.

There was no door.

Yes, I know.

You know who'd really love to talk to you...

And please do bring all your pamphlets...

My husband. He's out in the garage.

Man: Attention, all customers...

Half-hour left in our fall madness sale.

Okay, Wayne. What do you think?

I can only offer you this deal for another 30 minutes.

Attention, all customers...

The winter madness sale starts in 30 minutes.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'll have to think about it.

Maybe I'll check back next week. Thanks.

(Sighs)

(Bell clanging)

Frankie: So that was that. Bob had made a sale, and I was still the only one left at zero.

I guess we knew who'd be wearing the dog suit.

(Mouths words) I'm sorry.

Hey.

What is that?

You still have mud on your shoes?

I told you to wipe your shoes before you got in the car.

And now look, there's mud all over the floorboard.

I'm sorry. I j... I wasn't thinking.

No, you weren't, were you?

And now I've got to clean up the car. Is that fair?

Should I have to clean up your mess?

No.

I am just so disappointed in you.

Me?

Yeah. You wasted a lot of my time here, Wayne.

And from everything you told me on our test drive, this is so typical of you.

You can't decide if you should buy the car.

You can't decide if you want to go back to school.

You can't decide if you should marry Jennifer.

And from the picture in your wallet, she is adorable!

You have to grow up and make up your mind.

Okay. I'll take it.

You'll what now?

I'll buy the car.

God. You sound like my mother.

And there it was... my hook.

It had always been right there in front of me.

I'm a mom. All I had to do was tap into it.

(Clanging)

Aah!

Great news! Guess what I did t...

Oh, come on!

I sold a car.

(Sighs)

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

You put the door back on.

Good boy.

No. I didn't.

I did it.

(Drill whirs)

You did it? You put the door back, partner?

(Scoffs) That's it.

It's coming back off.

Don't... You... Dare.

(Whirs)

(Whirs)

(Laughs)

Hey. I think now would be a good time to go do your homework.

(Whirs)

Frankie, give me the drill. Come on. Hand it over.

How did I end up in a standoff with Mike?

We'd always been on the same page when it came to... Well, just about everything, Except "Caddyshack."

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

Thanks for the backup, pal.

Listen, there are all different kinds of backup, Mike, like when your partner loses his mind, and you gotta step in and knock some freaking sense into him!

Remember the time you grew the Tom Selleck mustache and I had to shave it off in your sleep? Backup.

So what now?

Axl walks free with more of a sense of entitlement than he already had?

We were this close, Frankie, this close.

To getting robbed in our sleep?

Okay, here it is... The last picture.

Oh, hey, the door's back.

(Sighs)

I was too nervous to look, but I think it might be okay.

Maybe. I don't know. You look first.

Oh, honey.

It is wonderful!

Really? Honest?

Man, you look beautiful. The third time's a charm.

And sometimes, without any discussion, you find yourself back on the same page.

Yes! I nailed it. (Laughs)

(Door opens)

Oh, my lord!

(Both laughing)

I have never seen her make that expression in my life.

What is that?

Three tries. She had three tries.

She's consistent.

Oh!

Oh, Sue.

Hey. I sold a car today.

You're kidding!

Yeah! That's amazing.

I know.

Oh, hey. You're gonna think of an awful punishment for Axl.

An awful one.

I will. I will. I'm not as brilliant as you, but I will come up with something.

This is totally unfair!

Genius.

Yep, everything was as it should be. I had a commission, a door. They even gave me my own desk. I was Frankie Heck, Sales Mom. Look out, world.