01x12 - The Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

Of different things. Now some people are afraid of spiders, Some are afraid of flying, Others death. But at our house...

I have to kick a ball!

Okay, the kickball unit in gym Isn't one of your classic fears, But in brick's case, it was justified. Well, we already said you had mono

During your lacrosse unit, and we played the swine flu card To get you out of presidential fitness testing.

I think you're gonna have to face your fears On this one, brick.

Everyone's gonna laugh at me... (whispers) laugh at me.

Okay, buddy. Grab a ball. I'm gonna show you how it's done.

Um, mike, do you think that's such a good idea?

Maybe I should do it. All he's gotta do is raise his foot.

I saw a donkey do it on the news. How hard can it be?

Big, fat waste of time.

While mike was unwinding with a beer in the shower, I was gonna teach brick to kick a ball As only a mother can.

I got candy. Okay, brick? We're kicking for candy.

Ohh... All right, well, You kicked your own leg by mistake.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. It's all about timing.

Let me show you. Roll me the ball.

(thump)

Whoo-hoo! Nice kick, mom.

Did you see that ball--

H.

That's that, then.

Oh, well.

You may wonder why we didn't get the ball.

Because there wano way We were stepping foot in that yard.

Every neighborhood has one- you know, A family that's just not worth tangling with.

Well, in our neighborhood, it was...

(clank) whoo! Yeah!

The glossners-- four unruly hooligans Who'd held our street hostage for as long as I can remember.

(clanking)

Whatever hell they rained on you, you took it, 'cause retaliating only made it worse.

But as bad as those glossner boys were...

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! You put--get--y-you--

It was the mom you really didn't want to mess with. (sighs)

Is there a problem here?

Yeah, there's a problem.

That amazon scares the hell out of me.

No, no. We're good.

All right then.

Hey, uh, that's mine.

Really?

It was right here on the curb.

You own the whole outdoors, do you, princess?

No. (laughs)

Of course not. I--

You have a nice day.

(can clatters)

Mike: wow, that was quick.

Ball went into the glossners' yard.

Oh, well. What are you gonna do?

It's so lame around here. There's nothing on TV.

Thers nothing to do. Here's something. Take your brother out And teach him how to kick this. Can't. Book report.

Well, then turn off the TV and get on it.

Fine, I'll teach him! Whatever. Get off me. God!

(dog barks and snarls)

(gasps)

Sure you okay? (panting) the glossners' dog-- it's loose!

It tried to chase me home. I lost a shoe!

Oh, god! Now it has my scent.

Oh, no. The glossners' dog?

We should do something.

We really should.

For days, that dog was out terrorizing the neighborhood.

(dog barks and snarl We should do something.

We really should.

(dog barking and snarling in distance)

(brakes squeal)

We should do something.

We really should.

I hate those stupid glossners.

Why are we letting them run the neighborhood?

Can't you just go over there And demand that they chain up that nasty dog?

No, honey, I can't. For better or for worse, They're our neighbors, and once you start Battling with neighbors, it never ends well--

Especially the glossners.

You know that house on the corner that b*rned down?

Oh, christmas tree fire? Mnh-mnh.

Trust me, it is better just to ep the peace.

(inhales deeply)

(bell rings)

(door slams)

Glossners.

We'd better go.

And then sue, whose sense of justice Is inexplicably greater than her sense of fear, Decided to take matters into her own hands.

I'm gonna talk to them.

Sue!

(exhales deeply)

Um, excuse me.

I... Wanted to bring to your attention That your dog I-is kind of running loose.

And it ate my shoe.

Who are you?

Sue.

Sue heck. I live down the street.

Anyway, you might want to chain up your dog.

(thud)

(laughs)

What was that for? For being stupid.

You're stupid. You wanna do somethin' about it?

Okay. How about a fight?

Yeah. Yeah, we'll totally fight you.

After school, your house-- be there.

Oh, I'll be there.

I live there.

I have no after-school activities.

You're supposed to teach me kickball.

Yeah, not happening. Where is the extension cord?

How should I know? What are you losers doing?

Oh, none of your beeswax, axl.

Ouch.

Ugh. Can you even read that yawn-fest?

I love "moby d*ck." I read it last year.

It's an allegory.

If you say so. Hey!

I guess I could teach you To kick a ball, but you gotta write A 20-page report on "moby d*ck" for me. Okay.

And clean our room. When do we start?

(thump)

Sue: ow!

That's pretty much it. So when you do my report, Put in that allegory thing, whatever.

Teachers eat that stuff up.

I'm surprised you showed up.

I'm surprised you showed up. Good one.

Let's do this.

Ld on just one sec.

What are you doing?

We're fighting.

(carl douglas) ♪ oh, ho-ho, ho ♪
♪ oh, ho-ho, ho ♪
♪ oh, ho-ho, ho ♪
♪ everybody was kung fu fighting ♪
♪ huah! ♪ ♪ those cats were fast as lightning ♪
♪ hah! ♪ ♪ in fact, it was a little bit frightening ♪
♪ huah! ♪ ♪ but they did it with expert timing ♪
♪ hah! ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪

(thud) ♪ oh, ho-ho, ho ♪
♪ hah! ♪
♪ oh, ho-ho, ho ♪
♪ hah! ♪
♪ oh, ho-ho, ho... ♪

The glossners stole our boom box.

(clicks tongue) oh, well.

We have too many possessions, anyway.

We're trying to simplify. I tried talking to them about their dog, And then carly and I got into this fight with them.

Wait. You got into a fight?

Yeah, we had this whole routine planned and everything--

Routine? What do you mean, routine?

Yeah, well, we worked out some choreography and--

Hang on. Choreography? For a fight?

Yeah. That's what the boom box was for.

We played "kung fu fighting."

You do know what a fight is, don't ya?

Of course. And they didn't even Let us get to the synchronized cartwheels.

We worked really hard on it, too.

Pfft!

(sighs)

Oh, my god.

You know, it's time to take a stand.

Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna write An anonymous letter to the police, Telling them about the dog.

Then I'll drive to lafayette under cloak of darkness And mail it when nobody is looking So the stamp can't be traced to us.

And I'll seal the envelope with a sponge, So they can't I.D. Us by our saliva.

Or I could go over and talk to 'em.

That's crazy. We have a good life here, mike.

I don't want to move. I'm not gonna sit around And let our daughter fight our fights.

What kind of example are we setting?

It's humiliating, even more than the...

You know, fighting to music.

(exhales deeply)

Yeah?

Uh...

Hi. I'm, uh, mike heck, from down--down the street.

I wanted to talk to you about your boys.

What about 'em?

Do you wanna... Maybe put something on?

I can wait. It's a little bit chilly.

It's okay. I run hot. Look, my boys are good boys.

Really? Well, your sons challenged my daughter To a fight and then they stole her boom box.

Why would there be a boom box if they was fighting? You know--I guess there was some choreography, And--you know what? That's not the point.

The point is that my daughter simply asked them To control their dog, and then--

Or... Maybe your girl's got a crush on my rodney.

And when he told her he didn't like her back, She decided to get revenge.

Happens to us all the time. We're charismatic.

Ahh. (can clatters)

(belches)

Uh, n-no, sh-she doesn't like your son. Eyes up here, buddy.

What? I don't see you buying me a drink. Eyes up here.

My eyes are up here. I see what's going on.

That tiny wife of yours freezin' you out?

Thought you'd come sniffing around 'cause you heard bill left? What? No! I just want my boom box, And I want you to control your dog. It's not my dog. It's bill's dog.

You got a problem with the dog, you gotta take it up with him. Fine. Then where's bill?

Beats me. We had a fight.

I stabbed him in the ass with a fork.

I haven't seen him since. Eyes up here.

Mom, I'm going out. What are you telling me for?

Rodney, I want to talk to you.

Hey! Wait a minute. Get away from my boy.

I'm caught. I'm--

(snap)

(grunts)

(gasps)

Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

Really. That was-- that was an accident.

You gonna put that away?

How'd it go?

Not how I thought.

Wha--

What do you mean? Where's the boom box?

Did you talk about the dog?

I think so.

I'm pretty sure I did, before... It came out.

It? What's "it"?

She was wearing this bra-- you saw her bra?

Frankie, my eyes were up here, I swear, and, I mean, I saw things peripherally, But that's, you know, the way god made eyes.

If you're gonna get mad at anybody, Blame god for makingeripheral vision. What are you talking about?

Her boob... Popped out, sorta.

Okay? How did that happen?

Boobs just don't pop out on their own.

I don't--I don't know. I-I was, uh, I was--

I was reaching... Or--or pulling...

I don't know. It all happened so fast. What is this?

I-I don't know.

There's a whole chunk that I don't remember.

I remember I was trying to stop rodney.

Her son was there? Yeah, and he didn't seem all that shocked to see it, So... Who knows what that means. (sighs)

Anyway, I just got the hell out of there. Oh, my god, mike. Oh, myod!

I've spent the last 12 years trying to keep the peace, And yoblow it all in 15 minutes.

We're dead, mike. We're all dead.

(gasps) someone's in the window.

It's your reflection.

Yeah, this time.

I finished your book report.

Cool. Where is it?

In a safe place. You'll get it When you teach me how to kick a ball.

(crunching) nicely played, little man.

Nicely played.

Dude... (sighs) come on. Kicking a ball is, like, The easiest thing in the world. It's this.

Then why can't I do it?

I don't know.

You miss every time you look at the ball.

Maybe you should just close your eyes and kick. Okay.

(sighs)

(thump) whoa!

I did it! I kicked the ball!

I know! That was awesome.

You were like a jedi knight or something.

That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

(laughs) come on.

Spending time that day with axl was one of the greatest moments In brick's young life. In fact, it was so great That brick didn't want it to end.

All right. You kicked a ball. Now where's my report?

I even misspelled "harpoon" so she'll think you wrote it.

Wait a minute. Where's the rest?

This is supposed to be, like, 20 pages.

It was fun when you taught me how to kick a ball, So every time you're nice and play with me, You get another page. What? That wasn't the deal.

Feel free to read the book and do the report yourself. Okay, fine.

(sighs)

How about a sandwich? Do you want a sandwich?

Peanut butter, no crust.

So for the next few days, Axl was paid, page by page, to be nice to his brother.

(clicks remote) no, not again.

We just watched "charlie brown" for, like, the seventh time!

Yeah, but this time we're gonna mute the sound And act out the parts ourselves.

I'm gonna need two pages for that.

Deal. I would've given you three.

Days had gone by, and so far, No retaliation for the boob incident.

I was scared to leave my house unattended, But frugal hoosier had a sale on iowa white chablis, And I was tense.

Okay, mom. I got the last three boxes.

(sighs) great. Throw 'em in.

Good. Okay, come on. Let's go.

Wait, wait! All we have is wine and sherbet.

Yeah, we're good.

Oh, my god.

(whispers) there she is.

(normal voice) quick. Duck down before she sees us.

Mom, how long do we have to stay like this?

Until they leave the store... And drive away...

And then we have to count to a hundred.

(cart rattling) oh! Um, excuse me. They're not--

They're not allowed to do that. Hey! You heard what the lady said.

Stop that or she'll punch you. Oh, no! That's-- that's not what I meant.

Mom, how do some people get so mean?

I don't know.

Her first husband was a meth addict Who left her for a highchool girl.

And then she was with that dave guy.

I don't know what he did, But he kept really weird hours.

And I think she worked at the nursing home Where they had that sh**t-out.

(sighs) she's had a pretty tough life, I guess.

Stop that! Ohh.

Wade, let go of your brother's ear!

So help me god, I told you!

You'd better stop that right now! (sighs)

Suddenly, it was like I was seeing rita glossner For the first time.

Th-that'll be $148.

Oh. Uh...

Well, I-I don't have that much money. I'll--

Derrick, stop shaking that soda!

I guess I'll just have to put some things back.

Maybe rita wasn't scary after all.

Maybe she wasn't even mean.

Maybe she was just A tired, stressed-out, overwhelmed mom like me.

Yeah?

Hi. Hi, rita.

I just wanted to stop by and, um...

Well, if you look in here, I think you might find a few items you'd like.

(knocks on door)

There is no need to thank me for the food.

I'm just being neighborly.

'cause that's what neighrs do--

Help each other.

(crunches) okay.

(sighs)

(chuckles) you're probably a little embarrassed, But don't be.

I'm just reaching out here, Trying to get to know you, you know. A-and please, What I did certainly doesn't require a "thank you."

(laughs)

Good.

What?

Actually, it does require a "thank you."

I don't have a lot of money, And I bought you all those groceries, so--

Look, if you want to go around giving people food So you can feel high-an d-mighty about yourself, fine.

But don't expect me to kiss your behind.

Hey, I'm reaching out here, trying to be a good neighbor.

All I want--

(laughs) there it is.

I knew you came here wantin' something, Just like that hands-y husband of yours.

That was an accident.

What do you want?

I'll tell you what I want.

I want my kids to be able to play in the front yard Without having to run from your psycho dog!

I want to be able to plant shrubs Knowing they aren't gonna be yanked out of the ground!

I finally want to put a damn pumpkin out And know it's actually gonna make it to hloween.

Hey! I came over here Hoping that we had more similarities than differences, But you know what? We don't.

Oh, so you think you're better than me?

You haven't set the bar very high.

The whole neighborhood is better than you!

And you know why?

Because we don't let our kids blow up mailboxes Or b*at people up or steal. My boys don't do that.

Really? Look around, rita.

None of this is yours.

People give my boys lots of stuff.

They're charismatic.

They're bullies, and you're a bully,

And we've all been too scared to do anything about it.

But not anymore, missy!

What do you think you're doing?

This is the donahues' ball. Hey! Stop that.

And these are the webers'. Hey.

Come and get your balls, jimmy.

(sighs) where's that damn dog when you need him?

Razorblade!

Come on out here, boy. We got trespassers.

That's right. Come on! Get your stuff.

We don't have to be afraid anymore.

Mr. Miller, ths a rake with your name on it.

All right, that's it. I am calling the police.

Oh, no, you're not.

(grunting)

You know what? Go ahead. Call 'em!

I'm sure they'd be very interested In all this stuff.

Hey! Mrs. Leedy!

Well, look what we have here--

The lawn chair you thought disappeared From the block party. She may have one like it, but this is mine.

Mrs. Leedy, is this your lawn chair? I... I... (sighs)

Mrs. Leedy, Is this or is this not your lawn chair?

(panting) tell the truth Or lose our neighborhood forever!

Ohh...

Yes!

Yes, it's my lawn chair!

It's my neighborhood now!

Well, I might be pregnant with a pro basketball player's kid.

I'm gonna be out of this town soon, anyway.

(thump)

Yeah, uh... We got a problem.

This report you did for me- I only got a "c," so...

What'd you expect? I'm in second grade.

(sighs) it was the dawn of a new day.

Brick had conquered his fear of kicking a ball...

And s never able to do it again.

I made lunch!

I'd faced my fears, too.

And like captain ahab, I had slain my...

, I never finished that book, either.

Ani should ask brickb, I hhow it ends...

But the point is, I won.

And it kinda made me the hero of my neighborhood...

Hey, frankie!

You're packin' a lot of crazy For such a tiny little woman.

But more importantly, A hero in the eyes of my own family.

It was finally over.

Finally, there was peace.

How long do we gotta stay up here?

Till mama comes back With the dog poop and cherry bombs.