01x22 - This Bud's For You

[bunniefuu]

What do you think?

It's better than the R.V., the toilet empties itself.

And it doesn't rock violently when I cross the room.

You know, dad, we can certainly look at other places.

I mean, you're gonna be here a whole year while you build the new store.

I did two tours in 'nam.

If it's not a tunnel filled with snakes, I'm good.

Yeah. This from the guy that sent his spaghetti back twice.

I didn't like the way the kitchen prepared it.

We weren't at a restaurant.

Hey, grandpa, are you sure this place isn't too small?

"Too small"?

Me and Nana's first apartment was a studio with a broken Murphy bed.

We slept at a 45-degree angle.

If one of us got up, the other one was pancaked into the wall.

Mike? Uh-huh.

(Clicks tongue) Honey, you know, I don't like this place. It's depressing.

It's gonna be fine. My brother's gonna move in in 30 days.

He'll have a roommate, right? Have some company?

Yeah, but... it's... the price is right. It's close to work.

It's gonna be fine. He's family. Shouldn't he be living with us?

Whoo! Whoa! No.

No way. Look at him.

Too light.

No, too dark.

Too light.

Way too dark.

That's it!

Nope, you missed it. and here we are in cozumel.

Ooh! We're parasailing.

Look at you two kids! Look at that!

(Laughs) Mexico. Yeah.

Yeah, I used to take my... my wives number one, two, and four there.

Number three was a r*cist.

(Mutters)

And this is us in acapulco. Ah, look at that!

What are you doing, showing pictures of you and mom in Mexico?

No, it's me and Stella, the woman I've been seeing.

I told you about her. Yeah.

She looks great in a bathing skirt, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.

Well, let's just, uh, put the pictures away, okay?

Come on. I love your dad. He's... he's a great storyteller.

Yeah, he is. Has he told you the story about how he invented the big Mac?

All I can say is that I was eating two all-beef patties at a picnic... Uh-huh.

And there was a clown staring at me.

Tell me that's a coincidence.

That's a coincidence.

Mr. A., Mr. B. Hmm?

Doctor's ready for your physicals. Ooh. Right.

Who wants to go first? I'm gonna go first if it's all right with you.

Physical? What do you need a physical for?

I can tell you what's wrong.

You slouch.

And you rely too much on sarcasm.

Listen. I know you like b*ating people, pop.

Look. This is Larry, one of our best employees.

What he's gonna do is he's gonna walk you downstairs, out to your car.

Make sure he starts it and drives away.

I get it.

I've overstayed my welcome. Yeah. Okay, pal.

Take care. Larry, did you know that I invented the big Mac?

What are these physicals for, anyway?

Oh, healthy employees mean I-I pay lower insurance premiums.

Am I getting insurance?

No, that's for employees who own something other than a dirt bike and a full head of hair.

When you look at it that way, I am pretty lucky.

(Knock on door)

(Mutters)

Well, give it to me straight, doc. Could you save the beard?

Come in, Mike. So are we done here, doc?

Uh, actually, I'd like to speak in private, if we could.

Oh, anything you need to tell me, you can say that in front of Mike here.

Uh, except where it concerns this area here, right here.

It actually concerns you, Mr. Baxter.

(Laughs) Oh. Sorry.

If you're dying, I apologize.

No one is dying. Okay.

Feel free, unless it involves this area here.

Uh, there's been a noticeable spike in your blood pressure compared to previous years.

What? Yeah.

High blood pressure? Yeah.

Sure you got the right chart? Yes.

This guy went to grade school with Calvin coolidge.

No, no, Mike, your numbers are a little elevated.

It's very common, particularly with men in high-stress jobs.

You know what? Come back here in seven days.

I will get those numbers down. I can do this.

I like a challenge.

So y-you're gonna lower stress by doing battle with yourself?

Yeah.

I like it.

L-listen.

You need to eliminate things that cause you stress.

I live in a house with four women.

Yikes!

Then, all things considered, you're doing pretty well.

Th... we do have one thing that might help.

Whenever you feel stress, squeeze this.

Wow.

We live in an amazing age.

(Dance music playing on TV)

No! Stop! What are you doing? I want to see how that ends.

One dance mom yells at the other dance mom, and then they both get yelled at by that big teacher.

How do you know that?

Because it's every episode. (Clicks)

(Man on TV) Goal! (All shouting at once)

It's mine! It's mine! Girls! Girls! Come on! Hey!

No, no, no, no, no! We talked about this!

No yelling, more cooperat...

Mandy, get off of her! Come on.

But, Eve, good way to protect the remote.

Keep it high and tight like that, just like I taught you.

Girls, we need to avoid this until your father retakes his stress test.

Honey, the only reason I was stressed at work is 'cause dad was there, talking to people, showing pictures, bringing up that dumb story that he invented the big Mac.

Well, I don't know, dad.

A clown with binoculars.

Makes a pretty compelling case.

You know, maybe he's just lonely.

(Lowered voice) Yeah, we're all lonely.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

I thought that was the inner voice.

You know, dad, you may wanna consider doing yoga, because studies show that cultures that do yoga and meditation have different brain chemistry.

I've done photo sh**t in those countries.

They should spend less time doing yoga and more time developing their sewers.

That was stressful right there. Oh, really?

A little stressful.

I really believe that stress is mind over matter.

(Doorbell rings)

(Animals chittering and growling)

Nobody get up. Don't get up. I got it.

Don't stress yourself. I'll get it.

Hi, V. Hiya. Bud, hey. Hi. Hi.

Hey, dad. Ah, good. You're all together.

Hello. We were just on our way to dinner, but I thought you might like to meet my special lady... Stella. (Door closes)

She'll be staying with me at the apartment.

She's gonna be what?

We're living together. Dad!

We're shackin' up. Dad!

Cohabitating. Sharing a hat rack.

I got the picture.

Uh, you know what? We're... we're being rude.

Hi. I'm Vanessa... Ah, I'm so... and, uh, this is my husband Mike. Mike.

Uh, come on in, come on in. Sit down.

Meet the girls. (Chuckles)

This is, uh, Mandy... Hi.

Kristin, Eve. Hey.

I am so glad to meet you all.

Bud is so proud of his family. (Chuckling)

So did you move here from Durango?

Well, of course. I gotta keep an eye on this guy.

Otherwise, he's eating junk food, he'll stop going on his walks, and start watching smut on the television.

"Smut"? That's "dancing with the stars."

Uh, dad, are you okay? This is how you looked the day Tim Tebow got traded.

Ah, I'm good. I-I'm good. I'm better than good.

I finally get to meet... Stella.

Always askin' dad, "when are you gonna bring...

Stella?"

You never said that once.

You know Mike. He's always thinking things and then not saying them.

Anyhoo, uh, we better get going.

Oh. If we don't get to that buffet line in 20 minutes, our coupon's no good.

It was wonderful to meet all of you. Thank you.

You are a beautiful family. (Vanessa) Thanks.

Bud is a lucky man. (Mike) Yeah.

How lucky?

Not that lucky.

(Mouths words)

Yeah, she's horrible.

What?!

I'm just sayin' what we're all thinkin'.

I wasn't thinking that.

No, me, neither. I liked her.

Well, you're wrong.

Dad, it seems like she takes good care of grandpa. Yeah.

You know what's wrong here?

Is... is you people just like people for no reason.

(Grunts)

Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Summer's coming.

It's time to relax and enjoy Colorado's big rivers... white-water rafting.

Big falls, sharp rocks, class 4 rapids.

Sounds stressful, right?

That's because it is, you babies!

Stress built this country.

You remember the Boston tea party?

It has "tea" in it, "party." "Tea party"... sounds stress-free. Well, it wasn't!

We went in there, grabbed the tea, knocked the box over, threw it in the harbor to protest unfair taxation.

And if we hadn't done stuff like that, we'd be speaking in that weird accent Madonna picked up, selling scones and Shepherd's pie to people.

There's good stress... winning at Talladega.

Yeah! Coming into that finish line.

Bad stress... your car's on fire!

Good stress is heading down the river in a kayak.

Bad stress is noticing the only one with you is Ned Beatty.

This country was built on stress.

That's right. And just like it was good to throw the tea in the water with the Boston tea party, it's good to throw these kayaks in the water.

Where do you find 'em? Outdoor man!

Do we sell stuff that's stress-free? No!

That's the point, you worrywarts!

(Screams)

(Switch clicks)

The nerve of my dad bringing that woman over here, getting everybody all riled up.

You do realize the "everybody" in your story is just... you.

(Thud)

I don't trust her. Oh.

I think maybe she's just using my dad.

Oh, really? For what? (Groans)

His, uh, coupon collection?

Some of those coupons are worth double in certain stores.

(Sighs)

Mike, honey...

I know this is hard for you, but it's a natural progression for people to move on, no matter how much they loved their spouses.

So it'd be okay if I moved on after you go?

Who says I'm going first?

For the sake of this exchange. (Chuckles) Yeah, okay.

It's okay for me to move on if you go right now... Yes, of course.

If you were to go... you're gone. You know why?

I would want you to be happy.

What if it's a 25-year-old beauty contestant?

If you don't mind looking ridiculous, you go for it.

Okay. Okay, okay. Maybe I will.

So I have your blessing now.

Good. Maybe that's exactly what I'll do.

You do. You do. Yeah. That's what I'll do.

(Switch clicks)

(Sighs)

Yeah. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Just, uh, out of curiosity, where do you think you're gonna meet this desperate beauty queen?

Maybe in between beauty contests...

Hmm?

She works for the mortuary.

She did your hair and makeup.

All right. All right, good.

And then, uh, that's a plan. Good.

Good. That's a great plan. Good. Okay.

You date some young whore, and I'll haunt you till you k*ll yourself.

Good night, sweetheart. Yeah.

(Kiss)

Love you. Love you, too.

(Sighs)

Oh. Hey, bud.

Hey, V.

I didn't know you were coming by.

Yeah, Stella's at her stretching class.

I figured I'd come by for a hot dog.

She won't let me eat anything that once had a face.

Yeah, I know what she means.

I was at a Japanese restaurant once, and when they brought my fish, it winked at me.

Did you... did you paint the moldings?

Uh, it was on the to-do list on the fridge.

I also fixed the front door and that loose step.

Could you, uh, take a look at the water heater later?

Just, um... You know, Mike's just been a little too stressed to get to it.

I'll do it right now.

By the way...

What did Mike think of Stella?

Oh, she, uh... she... she made a big impression.

So he liked her?

Ohh! Please! (Chuckles)

"Please" what? Uh... Did he like her or not?

(Clicks tongue) Bud, you're k*lling me. Uh...

Look, he... (Sighs) You know Mike.

He... he has a hard time with change.

I mean, he... if he could, he'd still travel by steamship.

So he hated her.

No. No, no. It just... he's... he's... he's got that high blood pressure thing, and... and he's got to re-take that insurance test, and...

Bud. Bud.

Maybe it would be better if you just didn't bring her around here.

Uh, just for a week.

("Aloha 'oe" playing over P.A.)

(Mike) Hey, ed! Ed!

Hey, hi, Mike.

Or should I say, "aloha"? Huh?

What the hell is with the music?

We always play soothing tropical music to relieve stress. That's one of our things.

We never play music. We don't have a "thing" like that.

We bust the balls of stores that do stuff like this.

Mr. Alzate, we got a big problem.

What's the big problem, Kyle?

No problem. How about this music?

Makes me think of girls with coconut bras.

Guys, look, I know what you're doing, and I appreciate it.

You're trying to lower my blood pressure.

But when you don't tell me what's happening, I just assume the worst.

Fine. You know the shipment of water skis?

The manufacturer says we won't get them until Christmas.

All right, all right, all right. We can deal. We can deal.

Why... why do you have to tell him this?

Well, to prove it's not the worst-case scenario...

Which would be that all four guys on the loading dock have food poisoning.

Is that true?

(Laughing) Oh, no. (Laughing) Oh, good.

(Whispers) Yes.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, V. Hey, bud. (Chuckles)

What's all this?

Ah, it's just a little housewarming gift for you and Stella.

I just want you to know that if you love her, we love her, and, uh... And Mike will learn to love her.

Well, you're a little late.

What? It's not even dark out.

How early do you guys go to bed?

No, I mean, Stella's gone. I sent her back to durango.

What? (Refrigerator door closes)

Why?

Because you said Mike hated her.

Uh, on the plus side, I can eat anything I want.

Who wants chocolate? I do!

You broke up with Stella because of what I said?

We didn't break up. I just put her on a bus back to durango.

This way she won't be around to bug Mike.

Oh, bud. Oh, God, I feel awful.

I mean, just... (Sighs) You really like Stella.

Mike is my son. Yeah.

I don't want to see him stressed.

Why do you think I was fixing things around the house?

(Laughing) I thought it was to kiss up to me.

Why would I need to kiss up to you?

(Clicks tongue) Gosh, Durango's six hours away.

Aren't you afraid you two are gonna grow apart?

Nah. I'll see her when I can.

Mm. And she promised me we would "sext."

What is that, by the way?

(Knock on door)

(Mike) What a surprise. Come on in.

Hey, honey. Uh, we need to talk about your father.

Is he all right? He's okay.

Sit down. What's up? Uh, he's great.

Um... I, uh... I may have caused a bit of a-a thing.

What kind of a thing? An expensive thing?

No, no...

Your father asked me if you liked Stella...

Yeah? And he was relentless.

Oh, please. And I finally said "no."

Why did you say that? Because, Mike... because it is the truth.

So? Since when do I tell the truth?

(Sighs) So he sent her back.

(Imitates bud) "I put her on the bus back to durango."

You make my dad sound like Mike Ditka.

(Normal voice, mouth full) Anyway, I just... I feel terrible.

You know what? Get these chocolates away from me.

I can't... you know, this is why men don't talk.

It just leads into trouble.

Men don't talk because they are emotionally lazy.

This is a good time to have that lecture, huh? All right, you know what?

I... honey, I know this was my fault. Yeah, it's your fault.

But you can fix this... I'm not gonna fix it. You're the one... if you would just have a real conversation... Don't... don't put this... with your father, then you could work through whatever it is that you guys need to work through.

You took a bite out of every one of these chocolates.

(Sports game playing on TV)

(Knock on door)

(Man speaking in Spanish)

Hey, dad. Son. Come on in.

What's going on here?

ESPN 1, ESPN 2, and deportes.

What, do you run a little sports book, Uncle junior?

I had, uh... I had a few TVs left over from the build.

But I can cover any action up to $200 a bet.

What brings you here?

Well, uh... (Opener clatters)

I had a little conversation with Vanessa.

Oh, God, it's an epidemic.

Dad, I just came by to tell you I appreciate the concern.

All right. Don't go to pieces on me.

I got a quiniela on this next harness race.

Shut 'em off for a minute, will you, please?

(Clicking)

I think we should talk about Stella.

(Clicks tongue, breathes deeply)

Look.

It must be hard for you to see me with someone that's not your mother.

Um... it's hard not seeing mom, period.

And whenever I see you, I half expect mom to come in the room right after you.

(Clicks tongue)

Your mother's been dead for five years.

If your mother walked in behind me, I'd...

Crap my pants.

I think you should call Stella and get her back here.

You'd be all right with that?

Mnh-mnh.

No. But, dad, I want you to be happy.

Well, at least you don't want me to die lonely.

No. In a perfect world, you should have d*ed the day after mom.

Fair enough.

(Bottles clink)

(Vanessa) So your blood pressure went down as soon as you made up with your father.

Huh. Who would have seen that coming?

You know, what gets my blood pressure back up is you gloating.

I have some music to put you in the mood.

Listen to this.

("Aloha 'oe playing)

In the mood for what? Poi?

Ed was playing this at work, and I hated it.

But it started getting into my head, and now I kinda like it.

I'm in the mood for a whole pig.

Not exactly what a wife wants to hear right as she's taking off her robe, but...

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

♪

(Kiss)

Mmm.

Good night, honey. Good night, baby.

♪