01x23 - The Spotlight

[bunniefuu]

(Singsongy) Hey, Mandy! Guess whose eighth grade class is going to your high school next week to get oriented?

(Singsongy) What!

♪ Yeah, uh-huh ♪
♪ yeah ♪

No.

No. Stop. No. Stop. N-no.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Yep, yep, yep ♪

Stop it.

What's the problem? (Forced laugh)

What if she talks to me? What if she embarrasses me?

Yeah, what if she doesn't stop doing that?

Please. I had to deal with you being a dork around me.

Do you remember when you skated up to my locker wearing those stupid heelys?

(Laughs)

Yeah, I mean-- But look at me now, right?

Wow. (Laughs)

Ohh. I refuse to believe you're going to high school, because you will always be my baby-waybee- cutie-beauty-feauty!

Mmm...

Mom, those aren't words.

Oh. (Laughs)

Anyway, girls, prepare to be impressed, because your mother-- moi-- has been nominated for an award honoring the volunteer parent of the year at Eve's school. (Clinking)

(Cheering) No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hold your applause, because I just got off the phone with the principal, who told me to prepare a few words, which means... there's a good chance I'm gonna win.

That's great, mom. (Mandy) - Yeah, mom.

Yeah, we're really excited for you.

Yeah, thanks, but I have to say, the best part is being able to sit here with you girls and enjoy my moment...

Peyton Manning showed up at the store today!

In the sun.

(Mike) - Listen! (Kristin) - What?!

He came down, Look at this. I got pictures. (Laughing) - No way!

He's carrying Ed like a football! (Gasping and laughing)

Ed's smiling, but he wasn't happy.

Mike?

Here.

Oh, man, you are not gonna believe this.

You know Gina Armstrong?

Uh-huh.

No, you don't.

Then why did you ask me?

Anyway, she got her husband's landscaping firm to donate sod for the new baseball field.

That's good news. Right field's like a swamp.

We lost a couple kids there last year 'cause they didn't have snorkels.

Honey, it's-- it's like she's trying to buy the volunteer parent award.

Calm down. You're a shoo-in for this award. (Sighs)

Maybe they're just trying to level the playing field by literally leveling the playing field.

(Chuckles)

You know, if she swoops in and wins this thing after all my hard work-- the-- the carnivals, the bake sales, the spaghetti dinners.

Oh, you know what?

I-I spent my birthday in a dunk t*nk.

It was 43 degrees, and it smelled like urine.

I thought you didn't care about these awards.

I don't. 15 years of volunteering, and I never cared about the recognition...

(Voice breaking) And I just want the world to know that!

Hey, boss, you rang?

Yeah, come in, Mike.

Have you looked at this market research? (Door closes)

I did that market research.

Well, then I don't need to tell you that we have to increase our-- our brand awareness among young males and reach the outdoor men of tomorrow, right?

Right. Unfortunately, the Outdoor Man of tomorrow tends to be the shoplifters of today.

I've been kicking around an idea. All right?

What do you think of this? All righty. (Clears throat)

Yeah, what if we released an Outdoor Man action figure inspired by you?

Look at that.

Wow, like a superhero? Huh?

Who said anything about a s--

Y-you think you're a superhero?

You brought it up, Ed.

I have a lead with a Chinese toy company.

We'll get 'em cheap.

I don't know.

I don't want that kind of recognition from the communists. (Mutters)

You-- you just want super powers?

You brought it up!

Okay.

Who wants super powers?

Mike does.

If I could have one power, it would be flight.

How about you, Mr. Alzate?

The ability to digest any food easily.

If you could have one power, that would be it?

You have no idea the kind of night that--

(Grunts) That I had last night.

I think my power's way better than yours.

Yeah.

(Mouth full) What, are you keeping score?

(Snaps fingers) Wait a second.

Keeping score-- I think I got an idea how we could bring in the younger demographic.

(Door opens) Can I change my power to invisibility?

I wish you would.

(Vanessa) Hey, honey.

(Groans)

(Chuckling) So how was orientation?

Crazy. How did you make it through high school?

I had a baby and finished online.

Oh, right.

(Sighs) Mom...

High school is so different.

Kids making out in the halls, tattoos, and if there were any girls without big boobs, they were hiding.

Honey, I know it can be overwhelming, but it doesn't start until next fall.

I promise you'll fit in. You just--

You just have to find your... thing.

What was your thing?

(Clicks tongue) Rainbow suspenders and a tube top.

You know, it doesn't sound hot, but it was.

Do we have company, or is it tiny dinner night?

Oh... (Laughs)

No, some parent volunteers and I are arranging the displays for the auction before the awards ceremony.

The award you're gonna win?

Shh! It's not official yet!

Hey, everybody! (Woman) - Hi!

I have some rewards for all your hard labor.

Oh, thank you. (Laughs) - There you go.

Except for you, Mel. You were ten minutes late. (Pats back)

(Gasps) I was!

Vanessa, you're funny because your jokes are based on true events. (Laughter)

Please, sit down. Take a break.

Ohh...

I mean, come on. You've basically won the award already.

Oh, please. No, there are a lot of other candidates, and, uh, Gina Armstrong's husband did donate sod for the new baseball field.

She's right. Everybody's talking about the sod.

But Vanessa's been an unsung hero for years.

She painted the band room with a 104-degree fever.

Oh... (Chuckles) Liz, we all worked really hard that day.

But my doctor did say I could have d*ed. (Gasps)

Right. Right.

And your husband donating the scoreboard today.

Exactly. Wait-- what?! What scoreboard?

For the baseball field.

You didn't know?

Oh, score-- scoreboard.

Uh, yeah. Of course. No. Yes. (Laughs)

(Singsongy) Everyone's talking about the scoreboard.

I thought they were talking about the sod.

The sod and the scoreboard.

I don't know what you're mad about.

Gina's husband leveled the playing field.

I just tilted it back in our direction.

But, Mike, it looks like you're trying to buy me the award.

It doesn't mean as much if you buy it.

It doesn't mean anything if you don't win it.

So, what, so you think I'm not gonna win it?

I thought you didn't think you were gonna win it.

Why did you give me that big sod story?

Look, it was a good promotional idea for Outdoor Man.

It's a gift from you and I.

Really? Well, wh-what does the scoreboard say?

Well, the score.

And what else?

We sponsored it, so it says "Outdoor Man."

Yeah, and-- and who is Outdoor Man?

(Sighs) In a way, aren't we all?

You deal with him.

She's mad about the scoreboard thing, huh?

I wasn't eavesdropping. I was secretly listening.

Usually when I annoy her, I know that I've done it and I do it anyway.

But this one I didn't even see coming.

(Clicks tongue) Dad, you and I are a lot alike.

No, we're not.

We're both blessed with a natural charisma, you know?

You're Outdoor Man. I'm Mandy Baxter.

Sometimes that makes it hard on those around us.

What are you talking about?

You tend to steal the spotlight.

You know, like, do you remember when mom got that big raise, and then the same day you landed the cover of "Colorado Wildlife"?

I didn't plan that. Sure. Okay.

Or when she ran the half-marathon.

Oh, and the guy drops from heat exhaustion?

I gave him CPR.

Mm-hmm.

But when she crossed the finish line, everybody was back there staring at you.

And same thing with the other day.

Mom learned about her boring award, and you met Peyton Manning.

You steal the spotlight. That's why she's mad.

I don't steal the spotlight. It just... finds me.

(Chuckles) But sometimes you know, you and I-- We've got to dial down our natural charm so we fit in with the rest of... the others.

(Sighs) You know, I'm sure buried underneath...

All that is some good advice, but...

Remember, dad, sometimes even the sun has to duck behind a cloud.

Why are you crying?

It's just sometimes I say the most beautiful things.

Hey, kid.

Oh, Mr. Alzate?

Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Kyle, you don't need to ask permission to talk to me.

But since you asked, permission denied.

Uh, wait a second.

Huh?

I thought you might like to know that a shipment arrived this morning from Shanghai.

The action figures!

I put them in your office.

Right on schedule. All right!

So Mr. B finally gave you the go-ahead?

(Door closes) Uh, not exactly. I'd already ordered them, but I'm sure he's gonna love 'em.

Uh...

Uh, s-something's not right. (Mutters)

I expected more action in these figures, and less... bobble.

Well, I specifically said "Jiaosewawa," not "Yaotouwawa."

It gets worse.

Yeah?

Turn it around.

"Backdoor Man."

(Mutters)

That could be either good or bad.

You know... (Mutters)

I'm quite sure he'll think it's bad.

Right, Mr. B?

(Laughs)

Don't let him see this. All right?

Thank God I only ordered five.

You ordered 5,000.

Okay, well, I have to brush up on my mandarin, I guess.

Dad, you look really nice.

Thank you.

Although that tie is a little subdued for you.

Yeah. Honey, why didn't you wear the tie I put out for you?

Honey, this is your night. I want you to shine.

I'll change, but it just makes my eyes sparkle.

No, no.

Dad, no. That tie's perfect. It does nothing for you.

Mandy, honey, thanks for offering to drive Eve to the high school orientation mixer.

Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. And, uh, I did her makeup, too.

(Clears throat) Ta-da!

(Eve) Hey, guys. What do-- What do you think?

I'm... kinda conflicted.

You look beautiful... and you're grounded.

Is my little girl somewhere under there?

Come on. Be supportive.

This is a big step for our little Peppermint Patty.

Mom, can I talk to you real fast?

Yeah. Yeah.

What, uh... What is it, honey?

Do I have to go?

Oh...

I don't fit in. I don't have big boobs. (Sighs)

I don't have a nose ring.

I don't have a whale tail.

What's a-- What's a whale tail?

You know, when your jeans ride down, and your thong rides up.

Okay-- All right, all right.

You will never have one of those. (Chuckles)

Honey, listen, just... (Sighs)

High school is a little scary.

Most new things are.

But I like where I am.

I just got junior high all figured out.

I know, but then that just means you're ready to take the next step. (Sighs)

Sweetie, sweetie, listen to me.

There comes a point where you need to say good-bye to one part of your life and say hello to something new.

Like "R"-rated movies?

Absolutely not.

(Kisses)

Those are just full of curse words and v*olence.

I just helped dad change a tire last week.

I'm pretty familiar with curse words and v*olence.

(Jazz music playing)

(Mike chuckles) Oh.

Wow, they did a pretty nice job sprucing up this dump.

What do you mean, "they"? I was here at 6:00 AM.

What is this?

I give a Peyton Manning signed NFL football, and the best this couple could come up with was a-a semi-used DVD collection of "Designing Women"?

This is an auction. It's not a landfill.

All right, stop it. I'm gonna start the bidding.

Might as well just put it in your purse.

No one's gonna bid on this...

Unless it's me.

Well, what are you doing? I just bid--

Just outbid you so it'll stay here.

(Sighs)

Here's some ni-- Oh, look at this!

It's a whole collection. "Scarface."

Fake money, a little machine g*n, cigars--

This is worth something.

All right, you know what?

The only thing I like about this basket is the basket.

There's the principal. I'm gonna go kiss his ring.

There you go.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

This is just--

(Scratching)

(Snaps and clatters)

(Imitating Al Pacino as Tony Montana) Say hello to my little friend!

(Clicks)

All right, honey, I think everything's set.

Gosh, great turnout.

(Lowered voice) - Vanessa!

Mm. Yeah? Excuse me.

There's a problem with the salmon hors d'oeuvres.

Oh. What is it?

Everyone's eating them... And then throwing up.

(Gasps) Including Phil.

Oh, no! No! Phil's our emcee.

Well, not unless we're moving this party to the bathroom.

Stan, put the salmon down!

Oh, no, honey.

Looks like I'm gonna have to emcee.

You can't emcee this function.

Why? Why not? I'm funny.

Yeah, you're hilarious, but, uh...

Yeah.

Let's just say you win the award.

Mm-hmm.

You gonna give it to yourself?

Oh. You're right.

You should do it.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. It'll be just as bad.

I open the envelope, say your name, they're not gonna believe me.

Honey, wait. First of all, there's no envelope.

It's not an awards show, okay?

The-- the principal just whispers in your ear. That's it.

Honey, please. Please, please, please.

I just-- I need this to be a success.

All right. Let's be very clear about this.

You are asking me to step into the spotlight and do my best?

Yes, that is-- That is the idea.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Kisses)

Good luck.

All right. Good.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

So the bear comes over to me--

We were camping, right? And he says, "I heard what you said. Of course we do it in the woods.

We don't have outhouses!" (Laughter and applause)

Nah. No, I got a million of these.

(Applause fades)

Let's talk about our gym coach-- Steve Stifleman, huh?

Great guy, great family man.

What Steve doesn't know--

If we don't get 30 grand tonight, his position is gone.

Going, going, gone-- There we go! Come on!

(Cheering and applause)

Always the little lady giving away the money, isn't it?

Look at her. We got $1,500. $1,500 for this lovely quilt.

Do I have $1,600? $1,600...

You know, we're on pace to make twice as much money as last year.

Yeah, I know. It's going great.

I'm looking at you, Scott.

Come on, Scott. Eye contact.

I don't think Jessica knows how much money you've been making on those Monday night poker games.

Boy, kinda chilly over here, isn't it?

Hey, hey, come on. 2,500 bucks.

It's for the quilt. You're gonna need it, 'cause you'll be sleeping on the couch now, Scooter!

Vanessa, congratulations. I just heard!

I know! We're really raking this in.

Going once...

No!

I'm talking about getting the volunteer parent award.

Going twice...

Whoo!

$2,500 to... My wife over there.

(Applause)

(Gasps) Hey!

(Laughing)

(Laughing) You won!

Oh!

And they gave you a quilt.

Yeah. $2,500 later, a quilt with not a child I recognize.

It was very nice. They gave me a standing ovation.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, I actually thought I got a standing ovation once at work, but it turned out that it was a rat running across the restaurant!

Hey! (Vanessa) - Hey!

Guess who was one of the last people to leave the dance!

Our little social butterfly.

That's great! (Mandy and Eve) - ♪ whoo, whoo ♪

(Laughing) What's so great about it?

This is not great. Why did we b*at them home?

Well, mom, you were right.

It was time for me to put away part of my life and start something new. Oh, my gosh, I'm so wired.

I don't even know how I'm gonna get to sleep.

Hey, I got an idea. Curl up with this quilt...

And "Scarface."

Mike!

An "R"-rated movie? Yes! Thanks, dad!

Turn the sound down and shut your eyes!

She'll be all right. She's a big girl now.

Yeah, she is. She's a big girl.

I guess I should take some of my own advice.

Yeah. Wow, that was a great night, huh?

Record amount raised.

You got the volunteer award.

You took it to Gina and her husband with that long speech. I loved that.

(Laughing) It's funny how you did that--

What's the matter, honey? I'm sorry.

Look, you told me to get on the stage and do that spotlight thing.

I said-- The spotlight-- I just--

Oh, honey...

I'm like a prisoner against the wall.

The spotlight finds me.

What the hell are you talking about?

Are you mad because I took-- I took the spotlight?

No, no. It's just...

(Crying) Our last child is going to high school.

I'm just sad. I...

Yeah.

Sad. (Sighs)

(Crying)

Is there anything I can do?

No. (Sobbing) No, nothing. Nothing.

You can't stop the girls from growing up.

Yeah.

You know, I just--

I guess I need to work through this myself.

I need a little time. (Sniffles)

Just be sad for a little while.

I get it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Look. Where you going?

You just said you wanted to work this out.

Not now!

Oh, yeah.

(Clears throat)

Ohh, boy. (Sighs)

(Grunts)

(Crying)

(Normal voice) Yeah. (Exhales)

(Continues crying)

(Clears throat)

(Breathing deeply)

(Inhales sharply)

Whoo!

(Sniffling)

(Exhales)

(Clicks tongue) Oh...

(Sniffles)

All right.

Mike, I don't know about this.

Come on. Come on.

I feel ridiculous.

It's your chance to be in the spotlight.

No, I'm not really a spotlight person.

That's you. I don't--

Okay, we'll just--

(sighs) We'll cancel everything. We won't--

No, no, no, no, no! I'm gonna do it.

Roll it. Roll it. Roll it.

First off, you don't "roll" this.

And don't look there. Look in the camera.

Talk to the camera.

All right. All right, I got it.

When you're ready to go, just press the space bar.

Okay. All right. Go. (Clears throat)

(Key clicks)

Hi. I'm Vanessa Baxter for Outdoor Man.

Men, take a five.

Ladies, you know how when your husband goes on those hunting trips, and they think they're getting away with something?

But the truth is, we couldn't be happier.

Really?

Husbands are gone, there's no snoring, no scratching, no gas.

I mean, the whole place smells 20% better.

Right? See?

So remember this--

Every time you buy your man a piece of camping equipment, you're really buying yourself a day of peace and quiet.

Okay, I think you--

Wait, I got more--

No, I think you've-- you've said enough.

No, no. So, hey.

Come on down to Outdoor Man and get your husbands off your back...

And off your front.

Are you crazy?

You know, our minister watches this.

Oh, please. He's got eight kids.

He knows what I'm talking about.