08x10 - Break Out the Campaign

Hi, I'm Vanessa Baxter.

Uh Hello, my name is Vanessa Baxter.

Hey!

I'm Vanessa Baxter!

Didn't we cover this on our first date?

No, I'm working on my speech.

All the candidates for state assembly have to make a formal announcement by Thursday.

- Okay, um - Yeah.

Tell me what you got.

Okay Hello.

I'm Vanessa Baxter.

Yeah.

You know, that's the truth.

Are you sure you want to be a politician?

You know, I just I can't figure out what to say.

I I really need a campaign manager, you know?

Somebody who's smart, organized, knows me really well.

Well, I'm not gonna let you beg, okay?

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Carol.

So?

I accept I thought about it, and, yes, I will be your campaign manager, yes!

Oh, Carol, sure, Carol.

Isn't this great?

You know, maybe it's a sign.

I mean, my first and only choice said yes.

Oh!

Yeah, whatever, whatever.

What?

I don't know, got a little dizzy.

Must be 'cause I got knocked off my high horse.

I am so excited to be a part of your campaign.

I can't wait to see you kick that old Ken Slattery to the curb.

Yeah, well, old Ken is actually three years younger than I am, so, yeah, okay.

Vanessa, if we do this right, Slashin' Slattery would have cut his last budget.

Yeah, I'm gonna get some sugar.

Speaking of sugar, you know, Vanessa's really sweet.

Maybe her voters would respond to that.

You know, f-food for thought.

You know, honey, honey, you can stay and listen.

I mean, you're gonna do that anyway.

Well, great.

You won't even know I'm here.

I'll just roll my eyes quietly.

Didn't you want some sugar?

Never use it.

Okay, so I think our tactic is to focus on the mess that Slattery created and then just rub his nose in it.

Uh, Mike, I-I think your eyes groan when they roll.

You might want to have that looked at.

I just don't think we can sell Vanessa as a killer.

I mean, she-she won't even kill spiders, right?

She catches them and puts them in the arachnid relocation program.

Oh, that's, that's good to know.

Listen, is there a tennis ball or something around here he could chase into the other room?

You know what, though, I I-I think Mike might be right.

I'm just, I'm not that comfortable with mudslinging.

Um, but that's not what you're not talking about, right?

Um, kinda am.

If the mud fits, let him wear it.

What, Mike?

This is Vanessa we're talking about.

Vanessa, not some sharp-elbowed broad - from the roller derby.

- No, no, no, no.

No, honey, nobody's trying to make me into something I'm not.

Mm, kind of am.

Vanessa, politics is a tough game.

People need to believe you can play it.

I don't know.

- Hmm.

- Okay, why don't we just move this over to my house?

And, oh, thank you, Mike.

What for?

Uh, staying here.

Good morning, all.

Good morning, Ed.

"World's Best Boss".

What a great hat.

Thank you, thank you.

A gift from Kyle.

And I love it!

It warms my heart to know that he was thinking of me while he was Waiting in line at the car wash.

Well, I brought a little something for you, Kyle.

You, too, there you are.

Wow.

This looks really expensive.

Makes me wonder where you get your car washed.

It's a special edition Krogen-Hauer.

Oh, my God!

Cardi B's husband gave her one of those when he slept with another woman.

God, this is "I'm sorry I cheated on you" expensive!

Come on, just-just put it on, Kyle.

All right.

Oh, wow, it's really heavy.

Well, that's because of the gold.

And the rubies.

You know, I-I don't think I can accept this, sir.

But you must.

It's a Basque tradition.

You see, you receive a gift, you give a gift.

What a wonderful tradition.

I got this pen for you, Ed.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Alzate, I-I can't.

I see.

So, you refuse?

Mm-hmm, all right.

Okay, you know, they say, uh, in 1793 a French general refused the gift of a flute from a Basque countess.

And they all lived happily ever after?

No, no, no.

It was the start of the Pyrenees War.

Thousands died.

Then I guess, uh I've got a new watch.

- Hey, Baxter.

- What's up?

Since Vanessa's officially running for assembly, there's something important I needed to show you.

Yeah?

What are you, a bobblehead?

- No.

- Oh, I got it.

We're playing charades you're an employee.

An ex-employee!

No, no.

I'm a husband standing behind his wife, being supportive.

You suck at being nice, so I figured you needed a visual.

So, Carol told you about the little brainstorming session we had?

Mm-hmm, she mentioned a storm.

Not so much the brains.

I still don't agree with Carol's tactics.

But Vanessa picked her.

So I've got to - do more of this.

- Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm supporting you, girlfriend.

Well, stop, it's creepy.

Uh, Chuck, will you give me a minute?

I just want to talk to Mike.

He's all yours, future assemblyperson.

So, how did the meeting with Carol go?

Let me say this first I was thinking about it, I think you're right to pick her.

I fired her.

Ah, good, 'cause she was dead weight.

Yeah, she was.

Great, great.

I'm glad you fired her.

You know, I didn't want to say anything, but that brainstorming session way too much storm, not enough brain.

Well, I just didn't like the direction she wanted me to go.

Hmm, well, you know what I'm hearing?

I'm hearing, "Mike, would you be my campaign manager?" And once again, I'm not gonna make you beg.

Well, you know, you do know me better than anybody else.

And-and you are a marketing guy.

Marketing genius words matter.

Okay, genius.

Uh, so how-how would you sell me, Mike?

What would your strategy be?

All right, first off, I wouldn't go with bulldog.

- Okay?

- Mm-hmm, okay.

If we're going that way, how about a beautiful Irish setter, and not the kind that slobbers all the time.

I'm not hearing the genius part.

Give me a chance.

I'm gonna come up with some great ideas for your speech.

Okay, all right, um Uh, look, just no, no references to Reagan.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Or Elway.

- Ooh O-Or that orangutan from the, the Clint Eastwood movie.

You're taking all the colors off my palette.

Alexa, how many soldiers died in the War of the Pyrenees?

There were 27,374 combatants killed.

With 20,844 killed from the side of the Kingdom of France, Portugal and Spain.

And 6,530 killed from the French First Republic.

How many of them were wearing watches?

Hi, babe.

You're making dinner.

I thought we were gonna order a pizza.

Yeah, not a chance.

Oh, hello, strange delivery man.

Let me take that pizza from you.

Why, yes, this is a Krogen-Hauer.

Stabbed you're a widow.

Okay, this watch is making you crazy.

Maybe you should take it off for a little while.

What, and put it where?

On the windowsill like a pie, where any hobo could see it?

Stabbed you're a widow!

Is there any version of owning this watch where you don't get stabbed?

Oh, sure, yeah, and unicorns are real.

Wake up.

Okay, you need to settle down, honey.

Come on.

It's just too much stress.

I don't know how rich people do it.

Well, a lot of them wear replicas when they're out and about, or they hire a look-alike to wear the expensive one, and they get stabbed.

Where can I get a replica?

Uh, of the watch, not of myself.

Uh, downtown they sell cheesy knockoffs that look just like the real thing.

I can't go down there wearing this.

I'll end up like Batman's parents.

Let me guess they were stabbed?

No, shot.

He's an orphan.

All right.

I got the strategy all worked out for your campaign.

You follow this road map and you'll go right to the State House.

This is so exciting.

A real American election.

When do we start colluding?

Uh, let's see what you have.

All right, this is your campaign declaration speech, all right?

And then, this is at the Gettysburg Address level, but a few tweaks, we're right to "We can tear down that wall".

Okay.

Oh, huh.

Yeah, I got her hooked.

Huh.

What's that one "huh" for?

Why do you need a pen?

You don't need a pen there.

Better.

May I?

No, you may not.

- Ladies?

- Oh, yeah, closer, closer.

- Closer to what?

- Yeah, but what about this here?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God, now it makes sense.

What, what the hell's going on here?

Well, you said it needed tweaks.

I was being modest.

Like when you compared it to the Gettysburg Address?

Look, I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm just trying to find a tone that feels right for me.

I mean, you had me say "care" an awful lot.

Let's put a pin in the speech for a minute.

I can make some adjustments.

Moving on, I think we need a slogan.

Right?

On a bumper sticker.

Real simple.

I've got some here.

"Baxter Better Schools for a Better Tomorrow".

Mm.

All right.

"Baxter Putting Students First".

But you got the right finger up.

Make sure you got the right finger, right?

"Baxter" Nah, you No, no, no.

They're great, they're all great, but, you know, I'm-I'm just starting to feel like I don't really want a slogan.

You got to have a slogan.

Everybody had one.

Clinton had a famous one: "I'd like to touch each and every one of you".

All right, look, you know what, I mean, if-i-if I did have a slogan, it would be something like, uh, uh, "Baxter" Okay.

"Uh, she understands the-the real needs of-of-of Colorado's teachers oh, and students, uh, um, uh, many of which are the result of-of chronic underfunding".

Wow.

I liked it.

- Okay, l-let's forget about the slogan.

- Okay, look, honey, the issues are just way more complex, and my ideas are too nuanced to fit onto a bumper.

"Mr.

Baxter Back to the Drawing Board".

Listen, marketing is what I do.

If you don't like the way I'm doing it, maybe maybe we shouldn't be working together.

- Okay.

Yeah, you're right.

- All right.

- You're right.

- Thanks, baby, thanks.

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right.

Yeah, you know what?

We shouldn't work together.

You're fired.

Don't feel bad, Mr.

Baxter.

I thought what you wrote was a good start.

Oh, look at this bumper sticker I thought this was a great one.

"Honk if you can exchange my exchange student".

Thanks for coming over for coffee.

I've even given you my favorite mug.

Aw.

I'm busy.

Why am I here?

So, the principal gets right to it, doesn't she?

My day is an assembly line of jackasses.

It's just your turn on the conveyor belt.

I just think it's weird that she fired both of us.

Oh, come on, you didn't really think it was weird until she fired you.

Correct.


Because you're perfect.

Correct.

But isn't it odd that we both came from different perspectives and she didn't like either one of them?

Yeah, that is kind of weird.

And why is that?

Well, maybe Vanessa doesn't really know what she wants.

Does that really sound like Vanessa?

- Oh.

- Hey.

Hey, Carol.

Mike.

- Gee, isn't this fun.

- Uh-huh.

What what are you guys doing?

Well, we're having a little reunion.

- Did you fire anybody else, or can we get started?

- All right.

Uh, look, I-I can understand why you're upset, but-but I had my reasons.

Which are?

Neither of you were saying what I want to say.

Which is?

I know what I want to say.

I just don't know how to say it.

Do what I do just open your mouth, and stuff comes out.

I don't get it, Vanessa.

You were a high-powered executive.

You run your own successful tutoring company.

You've never been afraid to speak your mind before.

- Well, this is different.

- Why?

Because if I say it wrong the first time, by the time I say it right, I-I'm afraid no one will be listening.

Wow.

You just turned this into the most important speech ever.

Good luck with that.

Look, don't think of it as a speech.

Whenever you talked about why you wanted to do this, it just made sense so just talk.

Or, like I said, just talk until it comes to you.

And when the jackass on the conveyor belt is right, he is right.

Hey, guys.

Fire drill today at 4:00.

And then a review at 4:30.

Wow.

Nice watch, Kyle.

Thanks, Chuck.

This is a gift from the World's Greatest Boss.

Oh, wait, Ed got you a-a Krogen-Hauer?

You're damn right.

I'm glad to see you're getting used to wearing it, Kyle.

Yeah, yeah, I decided to wear the watch and not let the watch wear me.

That is a handsome watch.

Let me get a closer look.

- Yeah, here you go.

- Yeah.

Wait.

Okay, okay, let me see it a little bit closer, Kyle.

You know, it's better from a distance.

You know, in fact, I wish my arm was longer.

Come on, show the man the goods.

Come on So, yeah, this is what it would look like if I was swimming.

Ah, it's pretty standard.

Just, you know, numbers, hands, solid gold.

Uh this says "Krappen-Haller".

This is a fake, Ed.

Let me see that.

Braised brisket à la mode, I've been swindled.

Are you sure?

I mean, even watchmakers make typos.

- I'll put that jeweler out of business.

- No.

Don't.

Don't.

I got this downtown for $20.

Mm.

I could've got you a Crolex for ten.

Did you pawn the watch, Kyle?

What's got you, son?

The ponies?

The pills?

Come on.

No, it's-it's hidden away at home.

It made me too nervous to wear.

I'm not a fancy watch kinda guy.

Ketchup?

Yeah.

All right, I'll-I'll take it back.

I'll keep it until such time that you want to wear it again.

I just wanted you to know how how much you mean to me, that's all.

I don't need a watch to know that, sir.

You know, I would have no trouble at all wearing a fancy watch.

Well, can I interest you in a, uh, Krappen-Haller?

- Hmm.

- Just a word of warning, it will turn your wrist green.

I'll take it.

My brother-in-law is retiring next month.

He's the cheap S. O. B. who gave me the Crolex.

Mike.

Mike.

Do you think we inspired her or crushed her spirit?

- Vanessa?

- Yeah.

I've never seen her this confident.

What was I thinking in writing this myself?

It doesn't make sense.

Do-do you, do you still have that crappy speech you wrote for me?

Honey, you're gonna be fine.

You got plenty Yeah, no, no, what do you know?

Carol, Carol, uh, um, g-give me some mud to sling at Slattery.

Something like, uh, "His mama is so fat", and then you, "How fat is she?" N-No, baby, that's not your brand.

See, this is why I fired you two.

- Vanessa?

- What?

What?

What-what is it?

What do you want?

I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you.

Because where I come from, what you're about to do is a dream.

Thanks.

Thanks, Jen.

Okay, uh Uh uh, uh, so, uh, thank you so much for joining me today.

Uh people ask why I am running for state assembly, and I want to run because I understand the real needs o-of Colorado's teachers.

Oh, and students.

This is not a good start.

Honey, no bumper stickers.

You know let me, let me start over.

Um You know, I-I I have so many memories of being at this school.

I mean, my three girls graduated from this school, and-and I have another one who's about to do the same thing this year.

Look, I-I-I recognize a lot of you.

You-you have all been here for your kids, too.

Because because that's what we do for our children, right?

I mean, we want to help them.

We-we want to encourage them.

We we want to tell them we believe in them.

And-and that's what I want from the people in the state assembly, too.

And i-if they're not gonna do that, then you know what?

It's time to make way for someone who will.

Look, do I have all the answers?

I can't promise you that, but but I will listen to you and I will work with you and I-I will do everything I can to find those answers.

That I can promise you.

So I am here today to ask you to please help me start this process.

Because our kids are worth it.

And that's why I want to run for state assembly.

So, hello.

My name is Vanessa Baxter.

Damn.

It did come to her.

For a jackass, you are pretty smart.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man, and a word about Gestalt theory.

Or, as it's summarized, "The whole is more than the sum of its parts".

Like chocolate and peanut butter.

Mmm.

Or peanut butter and jelly.

Uh, or peanut butter and marshmallow.

Damn, peanut butter's got range, doesn't it?

History is filled with combinations that made each other better.

Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay were all decent solo artists, but when they got together, they created The Federalist Papers.

Now, that's an album that holds up, boy.

Speaking of sweet sounds, Reginald Dwight good piano player.

Bernie Taupin quite a wordsmith.

Each part was pretty good, but together, Elton freakin' John.

Sadly, sometimes it goes the other way.

The whole is less than the sum of its parts.

In sports, this has come to be known by the term "Cleveland Browns".

Yeah, some combos just don't work.

And in a political campaign, the team has to add up to more than what each individual brings.

Because if all you can come up with is putting an exclamation point after the word "Jeb", well, those parts will add up to a crushing defeat exclamation point.

But if you can make your candidate as likable, say, as our protein peanut butter bars the result is a delicious victory.

One of these can sustain you during a long sit in a deer stand.

But, damn, you got to bring along some milk.

Ba Baxter out!