08x12 - I'm With Cupid

JOE: You know, life is so unfair.

They got Snakes on a Plane, Dances with Wolves, The Elephant Man.

(SCOFFS)

When did they stop making movies about cats?

About a week after the movie Cats came out.

Hey, Joe.

Joe.

Shouldn't you be helping me fix the truck?

What are you talking about?

We finished working on the truck an hour ago.

Oh, that's right.

I think we probably forgot the part where you, uh, pack up and go home.

Come on, you had your mechanic time with Joe.

Now he and I get to have our usual glass of wine and talk about poetry.

The only poem Mike knows was, - "There once was a man from Nantucket" - (VANESSA LAUGHS)

I like this one, though.

"Before I start bitchin', why don't you leave my kitchen?" - Morning.

- Morning.

Morning, Mikey.

Mikey, how about a nice hot cup of joe?

(SHIVERS)

If it was the Joe I know, it'd be dim and lifeless, and leave a bitter taste in your mouth, and I'd never be able to get rid of it.

All right, what'd he do now?

Well, apparently, - Joe and my wife have become friends.

- Oh?

- She asked the dude over for dinner.

- Hmm.

You know, Dante was incorrect.

There are ten circles of hell.

One of them is made of denim.

He's lonely.

He doesn't have what we have.

Love.

Real love.

- You know, Ed, I like you, but - Mm?

I don't think we have real love.

The man just needs a girlfriend.

Yeah, fat chance of that.

It'd be easier finding a cheap, renewable source of energy.

Who ordered the CeCe, extra saucy?

Oh, Mandy.

OMG.

Those shoes are too sexy for a married lady.

Hey, hey, - I may be married but my feet aren't dead.

- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, girl, I am glad you're married.

More men for me.

Whoop whoop!

Huh?

Come on.

Okay.

All righty, then.

(SIGHS)

Good morning, gentle-freaks.

(CHUCKLES)

- The room suddenly got very crowded.

- (CHUCKLES)

That CeCe, she's a lot.

Ooh, I am going to help myself to an everything bagel, because, like me, it can satisfy anyone.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, bagels, nice.

I hope there's an everything.

Uh-oh, looks like I took the last one.

Well, I think a lady like you should have the pick of any bagel she wants.

Oh, my goodness.

What a gentleman.

(CHUCKLES)

We could go halfsies.

It would leave us both wanting more.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

My name is Joseph.

They call me Joe.

It's kind of a nickname I came up with.

CeCe.

That means, "yes yes".

Yes, yes.

But my favorite action fantasy series is The Promised Neverland.

Demons breed humans to be super intelligent.

Because the smarter they are, the more delicious they taste.

Wow, that is so fascinating.

Oh, but I feel like I've been talking this whole time.

Maybe we should move on to Kyle's topic.

Uh, yeah, yeah, we will, we will.

But I have one more question for you - Ooh.

- (LASER BEAM SOUND EFFECT)

- What's that?

- Ah.

That means that we are out of time.

And my topic today was unappreciated sidekicks.

Yeah.

Sorry, we were a little off-topic today because we were talking to Jen Zhen about the quickly evolving art of Japanese graphic novels.

And sitting here and not talking has been Kyle Anderson.

Well, I'd like to thank both my guests.

Jen, you were so refreshing, so well-informed, just fantastic all around.

And, uh, Kyle thanks.

You've been listening to Ryan Vogelson and this is (ECHOING): "Ry-Ry the Sci-Fi Guy".

(GENTLE CHIMES)

(ECHOING): Bye-bye.

Ah, I'm late for Geology Club.

- Thanks for having me.

- Yeah, see you!

Bye.

- Bye, you guys!

- Yeah.

Bye.

Hey, sorry we ran out of time.

But, uh, pretty good show, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you and Jen were great together.

I almost could have stayed home.

Come on.

It was one show.

You kill it every time you're on.

You're a "Ry-Ry" favorite.

- Ah, I guess.

- Hey, you want a sparkling water?

I got your favorite flavor: purple.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Jen took the last one.

Oh, Jen is having quite the day, isn't she?

Honey, I'm wondering if we have enough food for somebody else.

I invited CeCe over, hoping that she and Joe would hit it off.

CeCe?

What, the tall blonde, big laugh, always shouting "whoop whoop"?

- That would be CeCe.

- (EXHALES)

- Well, you really think she's right for Joe?

- Yeah.

I mean, isn't she a lot?

Well (CHUCKLES)

a lot of people say that about me.

It's-it's actually a compliment.

No, uh, it's not.

Uh No.

Do you remember the Outdoor Man picnic?

She heckled everyone in the talent show.

That's because the talent at that show was horrible.

Honey, they were children.

Why are you fighting this?

- I thought you'd want Joe to be happy.

- Well, honey, you don't care about your friends, so somebody has to.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Just (MUTTERS)

- All right.

Well, hey.

I will be watching her.

And, uh (CLEARS THROAT)

there will be no l'amour if she doesn't pass muster with me.

Well, prepare to have your muster passed.

- Hey, Cees!

- 'Sup, Baxter.

Lady Baxter.

I came to drank, huh?!

Whoop whoop!

There you go.

MIKE: All right.

Sorry, CeCe, I didn't have the ingredients or enough butane for that - Flaming Black Widow thing you ordered.

- (LAUGHS)

- White wine?

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- There you go.

There you go, hon.

- Okay.

The last party I was at had a slide made of ice, - with vodka running down it.

- Oh.

Oh, my (CHUCKLES)

Wow.

We all stood at the bottom, just guzzling it.

You know.

(GLUGGING SOUNDS)

- (LAUGHS)

- MIKE: Nice.

Best funeral ever.

You know what might be something to try?

Like, a calming green tea and a weighted blanket.

- (LAUGHS)

Mike - Um - You know, CeCe - Yeah.

it's-it's great that you like parties.

But I've gotten to know Joe, and he's-he's kind of a homebody.

Well, I like the body part.

(LAUGHS)

- Come on.

- MIKE: Come on.

(LAUGHS)

- Come on, you-you set her up.

- VANESSA: Yeah, okay.

- What was she supposed to do?

- Yeah!

Not go for the sleazy joke?

VANESSA: Well, look.

No, wait a minute.

Joe is - Joe is a sensitive guy.

- MIKE: Yeah.

I mean, did you know that he wrote a children's book?

- Children's book, huh?

- MIKE: Yeah.

So that means there's no s*x in it, then.

(CHUCKLES): Yikes.

50 shades of boring.

Well, look, it's a kids' book.

There is no s*x in it.

She-She's just stating a fact.

You're a scientist.

- You-you love facts.

- VANESSA: Well, look, here's a little fact about Joe.

Uh, he absolutely dotes on his elderly mother.

- MIKE: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- He's a very, very caring person.

Oh, well, I dote on my mother, too.

- Oh, nice.

- Yeah.

I designed her a sports bra to keep her sandbags from hitting her in the face when she's Jazzercising, you know?

(GRUNTING)

She's not only caring.

She paints a - a pretty picture, doesn't she?

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hey, everybody.

- MIKE: Hey, Joe.

- Hey, hi.

-Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

- Sorry I'm late.

- Madonna threw up on my rug.

- (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, Joey.

You party with Madonna?!

- And Lady Gaga.

- Okay.

Well, they they're my cats, you know.

It's, uh It's not really a party.

It's just a feather on a stick kind of thing.

- So you have cats.

- Yeah.

Yeah, but he fixes cars.

Y-You know, like guys do.

Yeah, he-he has cats and a mom.

Does that bother you?

I love cats.

(CHUCKLES)

My favorite breed is the seal point Siamese.

- Madonna is a seal point Siamese.

- Shut up.

VANESSA: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Is it cat or a seal?

It should make up its mind, right?

(LAUGHS)

You know what I hate?

They don't make enough movies about cats.

This woman is amazing.

You know, this is a lot of fun.

Actually a lot of fun.

Uh, Joe, can I get you a beer?

- Uh - MIKE: Yeah, good, good.

You want something to eat?

Like, maybe a slice of crow?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, what you doing here?

Well, I was telling Mandy about the other day when Jen was on the show, and she was saying maybe I was being a little too sensitive.

Uh, actually, Kyle, now's not really a great time.

I - Hey, you left all the equipment out.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, just doing a quick little sound check.

Getting a little pop on my Ps.

(CHUCKLES): Hey, it's Jen.

What?

Am I early?

You said 6:30.

No, no, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Kyle, are you feeling better?

Ryan said you were sick.

Oh, I'm sick.

Sick of being lied to.

There's no pop on your Ps.

Okay, would you stop, all right?

I am just doing a little follow-up with Jen, and I didn't tell you because I knew you'd blow it out of proportion.

My life is in tatters.

Uh, if I'm coming between you guys, I can leave.

No.

No, no.

You stay, okay?

He's being a baby.

You're the guest today.

And I'm yesterday's news.

Hey, good luck with your little show.

May I suggest a topic?

Betrayal!

Oh, and I'm not mad at you, Jen.

Break a leg.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, that is hilarious, CeCe.

The cat literally had your tongue.

CELIA: They had to put him down after!

I (SIGHS)

I don't understand what he sees in her.

You know what they say, love is crazy.

They're both nuts.

It's perfect.

All right, well, you know, it doesn't have to make sense to me.

If Joe's happy, then, uh, then I'm happy.

I think the phrase you're actually looking for is, "Mike, you were right, I'm in awe of your abilities".

Yeah, yeah.

Nice work, Cupid.

You know, the secret to Cupid is the-the arrow.

Especially the point I use a single-point broad-head.

It actually rips right through the heart.

Brings it home to me.

- Hey.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

I just came by to grab some leftovers.

Usually you guys aren't here when I do this, so I'll take it easy.

Take whatever you want, I've licked all the food in there.

Well, not all of it.

That's what makes it so much fun.

- Is that Joe and CeCe?

- Mm, yeah, yeah.

They're getting to know one another.

It's a date.

I set it up, because I love love.

Huh, I know you find Joe annoying, Dad, but I didn't think you wanted to ruin his life.

Why are you saying that?

Because CeCe's a total man-eater.

She's always telling stories about breaking guys' hearts and kicking them to the curb.

- I knew it, but you wouldn't listen to me!

- Hey, hey Yeah.

She chews them up and spits them out like she's Ms.

Pac-Man.

(IMITATING MS.

PAC-MAN)

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Just take the tofu.

I'm positive I haven't licked that.

Okay.

I'll be back later to steal dessert.

Look at the upside we got rid of that old tofu.

VANESSA: She is gonna break his sweet, sensitive heart.

Listen, you know what?

I've had a lot of marketing meetings with that woman.

- She's a lot of talk.

- What do you mean?

I think the lady doth whoop too much.

Look, what-what are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

- Okay.

- I'm gonna show you how, how I peel an onion.

- Okay?

Watch-watch this.

- All right, all right Hey, Cees, could you come in here - a minute before you go?

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

When I said what are we gonna do I meant what are you gonna Look, she probably has a knife!

What's up, Bax, huh?

But make it quick, because Joe and I still got a whole lot of holler left in this night, you know?

Whoop whoop!

Listen, listen, there's, there's some stuff I should tell you about Joe.

Oh, like what?

I just want you to know Joe's a player.

Love 'em and leave 'em sort of guy.

Oh, okay, but hang on, because you said that Joe was a homebody and see, now you're saying that Joe's a player?


Yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

Eats them up, chews them up, spits them out like Pac-Man.

- (IMITATING PAC-MAN)

- Ooh.

Yeah, yeah Right, right, yeah, yeah, because when I said that he was a homebody, I mean, that was before I knew you.

And now that I know you, you guys are exactly the same type.

(GROWLS)

(VANESSA WHOOPING)

You know, um, actually, uh, I should make this an early night.

(STAMMERS)

I didn't mean to offend you or anything certainly didn't mean to scare you, 'cause you, can't scare you, 'cause you're a party girl.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah!

It's just that I've got a really early meeting in the morning and my social life is just jam-packed.

I get it, I get it.

Do you smell an onion?

- Do you see an onion?

- Yeah Uh, yeah, you know what, uh, CeCe, before you cancel your plans, you want to give us a minute, honey?

- Just, yeah.

- Yeah, I'm gonna get outside and do some drinking!

- Hey.

- Hey.

Thank you for agreeing to help me, Kyle.

Yeah, I was surprised to get your text.

I thought you'd still be recording "Rye Bread" or whatever he calls that thing.

Oh, no, I didn't stay.

It didn't feel right.

And Ryan was pretty upset after you left.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, just closing up the pot shop and I got the note that the toilet was overflowing.

My toilet is flowing perfectly, thank you.

You're free to leave.

Okay.

Wait.

I wrote the note.

I need both your help.

I'm doing a report on the differences between American zombies and jiangshi.

- Those are Chinese zombies.

- I knew that.

- Did not.

- Did, too.

But I don't know anything about American zombies, and you guys know so much.

Please?

Okay, well, when it comes to zombie movies, N-O-T-L-D is probably a good place to start.

What's that?

Uh, that's how annoying people say Night of the Living Dead.

Which is not the first zombie movie, Jen.

Uh, didn't say it was the first zombie movie.

Did I?

Did I say that?

(MOCKING): "Did I say that?" Do you listen to yourself?

All the time.

As do 1,104 subscribers.

Oh, sorry, Dr.

Laura.

Okay, so, what was the first zombie movie?

Well, some people would say Frankenstein.

Uh, not a zombie.

Uh, brought back to life.

A zombie.

Uh, did not eat brains.

Not a zombie.

Also, Frankenstein wasn't even the monster's name.

True, technically it was "Frankenstein's monster".

But nobody wants to say that.

It's like saying "Frankenstein's dog".

Did Frankenstein even have a dog?

I don't know, I mean, he made a guy.

Why wouldn't he make a dog?

Probably 'cause the dog wouldn't stop licking his bolts.

You know, it's too bad we're Uh, never mind.

You were gonna say it's too bad we're not recording?

KYLE: Yeah.

This is some primo "Ry-Ry".

Jen left.

You know, she's pretty smart.

Yeah, she is.

Maybe we should have her back on our podcast.

Our podcast?

Like, Ry-Ry and Ky-Ky, the Sci-Fi Guy-Guys?

Are you in?

Did Frankenstein's dog have wet bolts?

So, help me out here, CeCe, because I can't shake the feeling that there's a completely different person under all this "Whoop whoop!" What?

No.

No.

I mean, what you see is what you get, you know?

I'm just a wild, banging, hipster chick.

- Yeah.

- Right.

So, then, why isn't a meaningless fling exactly what you're looking for?

Because if Joe's a player and you're a player, why not play?

Oh, because Yeah, because, because you are not really a wild, banging, hipster chick.

(SCOFFS)

(SOBBING): No.

No, I'm not.

Well, then, who are you?

Because-because I would really like to meet that person.

I'm just a woman in her mid-30 Eh!

- Late thir - Nope.

Okay.

I am a woman past 30 Okay.

who would just like to find something real.

Well, I mean, if that's what you want, - then you need to be real.

- Oh, okay.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're just so beautiful and you have this perfect relationship.

Well, one of those things is true.

But my relationship didn't start out that way.

When I first met Mike, he was this big, stubborn loudmouth.

And then you finally got him to reveal his true self?

Oh, no, that, that is his true self.

But, look, no, I-I was the one who was pretending.

I-I was big and loud, too, because I thought that's what he'd like.

Did it work?

Yeah, yeah, for a while.

I mean, he'd laugh when I belched the alphabet.

Or did the robot dance at a football game.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- I hear you.

- Yeah?

I've once did "the worm" at a bar mitzvah.

- Oh.

- Just ow I know, eventually, it's just, it's so exhausting, right?

- I know!

- Look, I had to show Mike that I, I'm just a geology nerd who-who loves curling up on the sofa and watching old movies.

And I'm just a cat lady who had to butter herself to get into these pants tonight!

But what if I show the real me and I get rejected?

Oh, honey, look, that is why - God made ice cream and wine.

- (SNORTS)

Yeah.

But you will never really know if you don't take a risk.

MIKE: I hate to interrupt.

Who am I kidding, I love to interrupt, but Joe finished all the potpourri in the bathroom, and I'm done talking to him.

Hey, I'm feeling pretty light on my feet.

You want to hit that rave?

You know, um, to be honest, Joe, I was thinking maybe we could just go someplace quiet and talk.

I mean, would that be something that you would like to do?

Yes, when I was in the bathroom, I googled "rave", - and-and it scared me to death!

- I know, right?

Thank you, guys, you know, - MIKE: Mm-hmm.

- for everything, um - So, where you want to go, Joe?

- Well, I know a great all-night deli that serves terrific coffee.

And my mother works there, so we don't have to tip.

Oh!

I'll see you at work, Joe.

Well, well, what do you know?

There was more to CeCe than I thought.

Okay, and there was more to Joe, but there wasn't that much to begin with, so it wasn't a big step up.

You know, who knows?

Maybe it'll work out with them.

- Hmm.

- Hmm, so I'm pretty good at this Cupid thing.

- The big question I have about Cupid is - Yeah?

where-where does Cupid find love?

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

Get upstairs, human, and get ready for l'amour.

You know, I got, I got to admit, that still does it for me.

(IMITATING PAC-MAN)

Hey, Mike Baxter and a couple of my friends here for Outdoor Man with a few words about duck hunting.

(DUCK CALL)

No offense, guys.

Now, you can pre-heat you oven to 350, leave it open, cross your fingers - and hope a honker flies in.

- (DUCK QUACKING)

Or you can increase your chances by letting Outdoor Man outfit you with a duck decoy spread and the irresistible music of a duck call.

(DUCK CALL)

It might not sound like much to us, but to a duck, it sounds like Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On".

When a duck goes for a decoy, it ends up braised, but when a human falls for a decoy, he gets eaten alive.

My good friend Billy Shakespeare wrote, "To thine own self be true".

But when it came to ducks, he was fine with tricking them.

You know what would make you even cuter?

Listen to me.

(DUCK CALL)

A nice cinnamon glaze, wow.

- (DUCK CALL)

- Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)