02x09 - Beefsquatch

Welcome back to Get On Up with Chuck and Pam.

Flu season is right around the corner.

So our local beauty expert will be here to show you how to look hot, even if you have a cold.

(sultry voice): Ah-choo.

Gesundheit.

(laughing)

Gesundheit.

Are they the cutest couple on TV or what, Gene?

Yeah, if you like white people.

Now look away, Mom.

What? Why?

Dad's hogging the bathroom so I'm using the guest bathroom!

Ugh, Gene.

Come on, you've let me do it before!

Fine. But move the dishes.

(sighs happily)

Aw, Gene!

That's my spot!

That's funny.

It smells like my spot.

(sniffs)

Asparagus!

I've been using the toilet like an idiot.

Announcer: Are you a fisherman who hates fish?

A pediatrician who hates kids?

We want to talk to you.

Also, want to be part of our new cooking segment?

If you're a local chef, send us a tape!

(gasps) Oh, my God... B-Bob!

Get in here!

What? What is it?

You gotta make an audition tape to do a cooking segment for Get On Up!

Oh, no. I don't...

I don't think so.

Oh, come on, Bob.

You'd be great!

No, no, that's... that's not for me.

I mean, sure, it'd be fun to be a celebrity chef, but...

Whoa. Whoa! Whoa. What?

When did a cooking segment turn into being a celebrity chef?

That's not what I meant.

I meant cooking segment.

Forget it.

Rachael Ray over here.

With bigger hips.

Stop it. Go to school. Fine!

As long as we're giving orders, put some clothes on!

Leave something to the imagination, for God's sakes!

Is no one going to comment on my Sasquatch mask?

Middle child.

Anything for attention.

Where'd you get the mask from? No.

No. No!

Thanks for asking.

Peter Pescadero.

He said he'd give it to me if I taught him how to pop and lock.

Lucy Lock-it lost her Pop-it.

Now you.

Lucy Lock-it lost her...

What kind of a god would give you those legs and no rhythm?!

This mask is gonna make me the new "it" kid.

As in, "What is it?"

"It's that kid in the mask."

"Ohh..."

Linda: Come on! Let me film you!

No.

Yes.

No. No.

Yes. Yes!

Fine!

Yay!

Kids, we're making an audition tape for your father.

Hello, Gene.

You look intriguing today, son.

Why, thank you, Mother!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

(growls)

Okay, are you ready? Action!

(sighs)

Okay. So, uh, I am preparing the Onion-tended Consequences burger.

Now, first you have to caramelize the onions.

And no, I don't mean add caramel.

Ha!

Heh.

Then you add some fresh thyme, which I have right here.

Then it's time to add the goat cheese.

And voilà¡.

(yells)

Notice me!

Linda: And cut.

Got a little weird at the end, but they'll get the idea.

Honey, why don't you take that off, huh?

Take what off?

This is me now!

Heard that before.

This is me now!

This is me now.

This is me now!

(phone rings)

Hello? Yes, he's right here.

Bob! Bob!

It's Get On Up!

Uh, hello.

You loved it?

Ooh!

Really?

Ah!

Uh, that's great.

Oh!

Of course I can come in.

Ohh!

Bring the whole family?

Woo!

Um, sure.

I can cook the... Oh.

Okay, bye.

(Bob screams)

Ah! Ha-ha!

Cooking segment!

Cooking segment!

Cooking segment!

Linda: Oh! Whoa.

(clears throat)

I mean, it's um, you know, it's gonna be good for the restaurant.

Yeah.

That's the important thing.

But we can still jump up and down!

Linda: Ahh-ha-ha! We're doing it.

Oh, my God. Woo! Yay.

Should he be sweating like that?

Bob: Ow. Ow. Okay stop.

Linda: Oh, my God, this is so exciting!

(sing-song): I know.

Hi, you must be Bob.

I'm Kevin.

Let's introduce you to Chuck and Pam.

Don't ask them any questions, obviously.

And don't touch them, but also don't make too much eye contact.

Everybody's friendly...

Bob!

We just loved your tape.

Well, some of us did.

Oh, hello.

Are you a little bunny?

(sniffing)

(whispering): I smell fear on you.

Okay. I don't like that one.

So, Bob, you'll stand over here, and then we'll put Gene here.

Huh? What?

Chuck: Yeah.

Exactly like in the tape.

I knew it! I mean, I had no idea, but... yes!

No, no, no, no, no.

It's great. It's like when they got a chimp on The Today Show.

Yeah, that was in the '50s, but sure, let's base all our decisions on that.

I think it could go viral!

(gasps)

I'm gonna have two little stars!

Oh, great.

Chuck: Well, I don't know about you, Pam, but that is certainly some of the cutest baby panda footage I've ever seen.

Oh.

So I'll do all the talking and you just nod, all right?

Yes. Check.

And entertain the crap out of everybody.

No, no, no, not that. Okay, just...

Blow their minds. Got it.

Gene, stop it. Don't do that.

I got it. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, and now it is time for our new segment, "Hey, Good Cookin'."

And today's chef is Bob of Bob's Burgers.

And who is this furry fella?

I'm... the Sasquatch Kid!

No wait, Burgerfoot!

No, Beefsquatch!

Right. Um...

And today, uh... we're making the Bruschetta Bout it Burger.

So we start with some fresh mozzarella, and some basil...

Mm, mm, mm.

Gene. Stop it.

Pop-it-lock-it- pop-it-lock-it.

And then we, uh, add some oil and vinegar to these, and...

I want beef!

Oh.

(gobbling)

(laughing)

Beefsquatch likey like.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

Ha ha ha! Beefsquatch.

(gobbling)

Oh, boy.

Beefsquatch!

So they want Bob and Gene back next week.

They said it got the most response of any segment since they showed Pam getting her tubes tied.

The fallopians on that woman!

Eh...

Bob, you excited or what?

Bobby?

No, Teddy. I'm not.

Why not?

He's just mad 'cause he thinks Gene Beefsquatched all over his special moment.

Don't, Lin. Don't use that as a verb.

It's just... it's not what I envisioned, Teddy.

'Cause it was horrible.

It was great!

I knew this mask was powerful!

So, who wants to touch and/or be touched by a famous person?

Can I please have my mask back? No!

I explicitly said no backsies, Peter.

In this country, no backsies means something!

Now go pop and lock!

But I don't want to do it anymore.

Go!

Lucy Lock-it lost her Pop-it...

(sighs)

(Gene whistling)

Brush, brush, brush.

Bob: Gene. Hmm?

I need you to do something for me. It's... It's important.

I'm not pulling out your long eyebrow hairs again, Dad.

No, it's not...

Wait, are they back?

Oh, yeah.

Yeesh, that is bad.

Anyway, I was thinking maybe, um, could you, uh, tone it down out there a little?

Like, uh, let me explain the recipe?

Try to entertain 'em a little?

Sounds crazy, but you got it, Dad. Great.

I'll just wait for you to succeed or fail. Thanks.

Could go great, could be a disaster... Okay. I got it.

Psst. Psst.

Hi.

Hi.

My mom lets me come to all the show tapings, as long as it doesn't interfere with school work.

It does.

Okay.

You're a VIP, right?

Did you get to meet Pam?

Who, the host lady? Yeah.

(moaning)

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

So did you, like, I don't know, taste her hair or anything?

No. I didn't think of that.

I guess I could have.

(moaning)

She was swooshing her hair all around.

(moaning)

I'm gonna turn this way.

(moaning)

So to make our Mediterr-Ain't-

Misbehavin' Burger, we have some feta cheese...

Mmm. Mmm.

And, uh, of course some eggplant...

Hmm.

Yum.

Uh, actually, these eggplants were freshly laid by the chickenplant this morning.

(Bob chuckles)

Anyway, so with these...

Uh, Pam, why don't you give the audience a chance to get the joke.

Chickenplant.

(laughs politely) (clears throat)

(hums)

Oop, I think this one's hatching right now.

(hums nervously)

I'll save you, boring cook!

(laughing)

Beefsquatch!

(laughs)

Okay, okay, that'll be $5.

Throw in another five and he'll burp in your face.

Wow! Look at all these people that came 'cause of the show, Bobby! Uh-huh.

Oh, my God, it's great for the restaurant, just like you wanted!

Yeah, it's all just how I wanted it. Mm-hmm.

Hey. Nice dish tub.

Thanks.

You want to go out?

Wow, you must really like dish tubs.

Are you that boy from the studio audience?

Shh-shh-shh.

Look, there's something here.

We both know it.

Let's just take it and run with it.

Um... Okay.

Could be worse.

"Could be worse."

(fake laugh)

Guess who's gonna get an arm put around them? Me?

(both laugh awkwardly)

Can I get your autograph?

There you go, Toots.

Beefsquatch signed it.

Oh, my God!

I'll sign it.

Ow!

"Keep sizzling. Bob."

There you go.

Who are you?

Who are you, huh?

Old man freak.

You idiot kid.

Linda: Oh, my God, I can't believe we were invited to Chuck's pool party.

(laughs)

It'll be swarming with celebrities!

Remember, they're just normal people like you and me.

Oh, my God, it's local weatherman Scott Bags!

Scott! Say "cold front!"

Say "cold front!"

Linda. Stop it.

Cold front!

What? He's the weatherman!

Last one in the pool is Tina!

Ah!

Hey... Oh.

Hey, hey!

You guys made it!

Come on, Linda.

Let's get tanked! Yeah.

Uh, thanks for, uh, inviting us, Chuck.

You're in the inner circle, Bob.

Think of us as your family now.

Okay.

So, you and Linda swing?

Uh, no.

(chuckling): Okay.

I'll take that as a yes.

Wink.

No, I...

Steve's wife! You likey?

Um.

No? Why not?

Body? Face?

(clears throat)

Both. Okay.

Hey, Steve, you likey?

Um, Chuck...

Hey, be open to it. Be open to it.

I really don't think this...

I thought I told you you were in the inner circle.

Right. And the only rule in the inner circle is that you're open to it, so if Steve's in...

Oop, Steve's not interested anyway, never mind.

We're divorced, you know.

What?

Mm-hmm.

(gasps) Oh, my God, you're divor...

I can't believe that.

Yeah, we are.

You two look so happy on TV.

Ugh.

What happened?

Fame!

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Fame's great, I thought.

Fame tears families apart.

No.

What?

That, and the fact that I refuse to live in a house with low-flush toilets.

I deserve the full flush, Linda.

Of course you do, honey.

Thank you.

Yeah.

(toilet flushes)

Bob: Damn it.

(flushes again)

Stupid toilet.

I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.

Eggplants come from chickenplants.

(laughs as Beefsquatch)

Hilarious!

That's so Bob!

Nailed it, Beefsquatch!

Hey. Are you making fun of me? No.

No, Dad. No.

That mask has turned you into a real jerk, Gene!

I think you mean megastar.

Oh, my God, they're making a scene.

You two stop it!

No. Let them fight.

Everybody look that way.

There she goes.

(vomiting)

Maybe I should just quit.

Do it! Leave the entertaining to the pros... meaning me and other people with masks!

No, you know what?

It's time for you to learn a lesson.

Watch your back, Beefsquatch.

Why don't you watch it for me?

'Cause I'll be shaking it right in your face!

And it'll look like this!

Ba-baba- bo-bo-eh-eh...

(laughs)

It's not funny, Chuck!

It's pretty funny!

I'm gonna make this show a living nightmare for you.

You're gonna wish you'd never been born, meaning I wouldn't be born!

What can I get my favorite father-son team?

Separate dressing rooms.

Separate dressing rooms.

And a piñata and large satin pillows. Now!

And Greek yogurt.

Two-percent for me.

Just the plain is fine for both of us!

Louise! Psst! Come here!

I'm trying to sabotage Beefsquatch and I need your help.

Well, first of all, I'm flattered...

Shush. Is there anything I can do to throw him off his game?

Dynamite in the burger.

More subtle.

C4.

Move off explosives.

Habanero peppers.

A lot of them.

Yes! You're a genius!

Oh, stop.

Get me habanero peppers!

I'll call my guy.

Ring, ring.

Let me talk to him.

That's a fake phone.

I don't care.

What's your name?

I don't speak Spanish.

I do. Hola, combre se hombre, habanero pepper.

Caw, caw, caw!

Caw! I get it.

I'm in your dressing room.

Oh. Listen, I need you to help me sabotage Dad on the show. What a day!

I was thinking, what if I mislabeled Dad's utensils?

Write, like, "eggbeater" on the spatula, and "oven" on the cutting board.

Hmm?

Or what if you put superglue on them?

Yes! But can you do it?

The last time I used superglue, I accidentally glued my wiener to my remote control helicopter.

Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh, oh...!

Accidentally on purpose.

Hello, my lady.

Hello, my boyfriend Nathan.

So, how about we take this to the next level?

You wanna make out?

Okay, on three.

One... Ah...

No. I mean, take me backstage to meet Pam.

Wait, are you only going out with me to get to Pam?

Don't tell me how to love you!

Nathan, you might be in this for the wrong reasons.

I think we should break up.

Fine. Throw away the best thing that's ever happened to you.

I don't really think this is the best...

But know this!

I will taste Pam's hair!

And there's nothing you can do to stop me! Let's stay friends.

It smells like it's time for our favorite segment...

"Hey, Good Cookin'"!

So, whatcha got cookin' up today, Bob?

Well, Chuck, it's the "I'm Gonna Get You Succotash Burger."

(chuckles) That's rich.

So I'm just chopping up some tomatoes. Mm-hmm.

And then I'm going to, uh...

You all right there?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

That's funny.

I'll hold onto that.

Well, why don't we just get the burger on the bun?

How 'bout that, Chuck?

Okay.

Gene!

All: Beefsquatch!

Beefsquatch! Beefsquatch!

Beefsquatch! Beefsquatch!

Beefsquatch! Beefsquatch!

Well if it isn't Mr. Spatula Knife Hands!

Oh, hi, Beefsquatch.

Go ahead.

Have a burger.

Don't mind if I do!

(grunts, screaming)

(laughing) I put peppers in it!

You b*st*rd!

I'm gonna get you for this!

Bring it on, Beefcrotch!

(screams)

(screams)

(laughter)

(spitting): Kitty litter!

What a crazy couple weeks, huh?

Anyone want to talk about it?

I just got out of a serious relationship.

Tina, shush.

Well, I am doing great!

How about you, son?

Great here, Dad.

Why don't you give me a big hug!

Love to.

That would be great.

(both grunting)

Linda: Oh, bullhonk!

Pam warned me about this when she was binge-drinking.

She said fame destroys families.

And this family's going right in the crapper.

So that is why...

I think you two should quit the show.

Tell him to quit.

Tell him to quit.

Him!

Him!

Well, I quit!

The dirty tricks department is closed!

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Forget it.

Hey, we had some good times, didn't we?

Were you helping him?

Were you helping him?

Jinx.

Yeah, I'm out!

I'm sick of your dark, twisted games.

I'm going to go take a shower.

Wash this filth off me.

Filthy!

Filthy!

Look, if you guys aren't gonna quit, then I'm gonna go talk to Chuck and Pam myself!

Pam and I are tight!

She'll put an end to this.

No.

What?

But what about all that stuff you said about fame destroying relationships?

That's just something famous people say.

Look, we've struck gold here, and I will be damned if I'm gonna let some mama bear come in here and ruin it!

So unless you work for the network or the affiliate or the FCC, I can legally pretend that you don't exist.

Well, you're not getting rid of this mama bear so easy!

Yes, I am. Security.

Hey! Oh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh!

Chuck: Hey, you see those guys over there with the untucked dress shirts?

I'll go tuck 'em in.

No, no.

They hate that.

That's the VP and assistant VP of programming.

They're talking about a spin-off.

A spin-off? Your own show, guys, with me producing.

It could be bigger than Get On Up.

Well, bigger than Get On Down, which is the midnight rebroadcast of Get On Up.

We're gonna be moderately wealthy!

I could date someone half my age... five-and-a-half-year-old starlet.

Yeah, so it would really seal the deal if you guys would, you know, physically attack each other a little bit. Or a lot.

Interesting.

Sure.

Mm-hmm.

Makes perfect sense, right?

It's a cooking segment, so, yeah.

Great! And physical violence on three.

I'm not doing it.

One, two, three.

Physical violence!

Physical violence!

Have you seen my mom anywhere?

Yeah, I threw her out.

But that's funny.

I just let you go backstage a second ago.

Huh.

I wonder where I was going?

Nathan: Just let me taste it!

Get off of me!

Hey, Tina, check out Tina.

Nathan! No!

No, no, no.

What is going on?!

Let me go!

I don't think that... we can stay friends.

Security!

Hey, Mom.

What the...?

Oh, sorry. This is my ex-boyfriend, Nathan.

Aw, you two couldn't make it work?

No, we couldn't make it work.

No.

And eight, and nine, and ten...

Pam: Oh, wow!

Chuck: Looking mazel-tough, Exercise Rabbi.

Pam: Call the fire department 'cause my buns are burning!

Speaking of buns, I think I can smell some.

And it must be time for...

"Hey, Good Cookin'"!

So, what's cookin', Bob?

Well, Chuck, it's the Every Breath You Tikka Masala Burger.

(chuckles) We start with a little coconut milk.

Mm-hmm. Right? There it is.

There's the coconut milk.

No one cares.

And then, some curry paste...

You want me to even pick it up 'cause no one's listening?

Whatever, whatever.

Just move it along.

So, yeah, that's curry paste.

Gene: I'm bored up here!

Yeah, should I go to the next ingredient or just...?

Beefsquatch! Beefsquatch!

Beefsquatch!

Beefsquatch!

More scotch.

Beefsquatch!

Gene: My ears are burning!

Beefsquatch took you down!

That's it!

Beef fight! Beef fight!

Beef fight!

Come here, beef boy!

(Gene yelling)

No matter what, don't stop rolling.

(both grunting)

Oh, my God!

They're gonna kill each other!

On TV!

Are you not entertained?!

No... a little.

Not you!

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

Oh, Louise, Tina, Boy-Tina, we gotta get in there!

Anyone want to help me throw this through the window?

You're a bad, bad boy!

It stinks in here!

Bob, Gene, look at yourselves!

You're father and son!

You're supposed to love each other, not kill each other.

This isn't the Bible!

This show has torn my mily apart long enough! It ends now!

Kids, cover your ears.

FCC, here comes Linda!

Dagnabbit, pee popper, nuts to poppa, stinka boob taka, momma kaga, poopa daddy!

What was that?

I'm cursing on live TV!

Uh, those aren't curse words.

Not even close.

Okay.

Well, how 'bout this?

No, no!

No nudity! No nudity!

(screams)

Aw, sick!

This is to save my family!

A-boobity- boobity-boobity-boo!

Wow.

Whoa!

Whoa.

DVR! DVR!

You said to keep rolling.

We're done. We're done.

Yeah, by the way, the same thing happened with the chimp on The Today Show.

Shut your mouth!

You have a smart mouth.

You have a smart mouth.

Oh, you shut that.

Shove it!

Wow.

Yeah, no kidding.

I can't believe she did that... for us.

Yeah, milk, saving families.

What can't breasts do?

Milking the cow!

Milking the cow!

Listen, I'm sorry, Gene, about everything.

I let the whole TV thing go to my head.

No, I'm sorry.

This thing turned me into a monster!

But I'm not a monster!

I'm a real boy!

Come on, Dad! Solidarity!

Oh, God.

(chuckles)

Gene, you have let yourself go.

Bobida-boobida- bop-bop-bop-ba!

Ah, okay, well, now, now we stopped rolling.

So there's no need for you...

Ah, what the hell.

Boobity-boobity-ba-bida-ba.

Ha-ha!

I love you, Dad!

I love you, too, son!

I love you, Pam!

Reporter: And so, facing major fines from the FCC, this long-running talk show may have had its last word.

Just a little too (chuckles) titillating.

Well, you two may be regular, unfamous schmucks now, but at least this family's back to normal.

Amen!

You said it!

Single and ready to mingle.

Yeah. And thanks, Lin, for showing us some perspective.

Among other things.

Show's over, Teddy.

Come on.

Sorry, Lin. It's just, ah, you imagine something for so long, and then what you thought was pink is brown, and what you thought was symmetrical is not.

It's just unsettling.

Teddy, please.

Gene, what'd you do with your mask?

Did you throw it in a volcano?

Nah. I gave it back to Peter Pescadero.

I promised him he would pop and lock his way to a better life, and I did not deliver.

Another child left behind.

Well, it's certainly nice to have the old Gene back.

(farting sound) What?

I said it's nice to have the old...

(farting sound) It's nice...

Okay, I'm done talking to you.