03x01 - Ear-sy Rider

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Oh... Uh!

What? (gasps) No!

Lin, you gotta stop reading the police blotter.

It just makes you mad.

Why would someone steal the sign for Ball Street?

Oh. (laughs)

Oh, God, what is this town coming to?

It's going to crap.

Tell me about it.

Somebody threw a snow cone at my windshield today.

I thought I hit a rainbow.

It was terrifying.

Oh, come on.

I don't think this town is going to crap.

(engines roaring)

That's my 2:00.

The One Eyed Snakes motorcycle club.

Their chapter president d*ed gruesomely.

I'm doing the service.

That explains why you're wearing leather pants.

Been waiting forever to bust these out.

He looks like Prince.

He looks like fat, white Prince.

Mort: Look, but don't touch, fellas.

(boy grunting)

Oh, no, these are the guys who took over the Steps.

I heard they pick on kids.

Wait. I'm a kid!

Come on.

Let's take the long way.

I'm not afraid of some high school kids.

Watch a-this.

(humming nonchalantly)

Hey, hey.

You can't walk here.

Oh, my gosh, I can't walk here?

Oh, look, it's a miracle!

I'm walking!

Shut your butts, coconuts.

But you said I couldn't, but I'm doing it.

But I want your butt to shut.

Oh, listen to the hum of my butt. (humming)

Oh, listen to this: clap, clap shut, clap it shut!

See ya later!

Have a great life!

They're just little acne-covered kittens.

(mimics g*nshots)

Meow, meow, meow!

(g*nshots) Meow!

♪ ♪

This memorial jam has been going on for 21 minutes.

I just wonder if I should fade it out.

This was Horny Dave's favorite jam.

Keep it cranked.

Horny Dave's favorite jam?

This is my favorite jam.

Keep it cranked, Eddie!

(bottle breaks)

Oh, God, don't come here, no, no, no, no.

Welcome!

You serve beer?

We... do not.

What's that?

That is beer.

Sorry, we do. I lied.

Let's drink to Horny Dave.

To Horny Dave!

What are you talking about?

Yeah! (laughs)

Um, the woman who won that drinking contest, she's pregnant, right?

Well, they say in moderation.

Hey, man, they don't judge your lifestyle, you buttoned-down pencil pusher.

What?

Sorry, Bobby, this motorcycle thing's contagious.

I kinda want to go out and get a bike tonight.

Hassle shopkeepers.

"Hey, old man!" You know?

"You don't know me.

I'll break your window and hit ya with a bat."

Sounds like a great idea, Teddy.

Ah, maybe not.

Probably just watch a hockey game.

To Horny Dave! A helluva man!

A helluva friend!

A helluva lover!

Uh, they broke more bottles.

Whoa, looks like our restaurant just got a lot edgier.

Hope I can still get in.

You probably can't.

I'll meet you guys after.

I like your lid.

I like your vest... what's left of it.

Yep, these colors have been to hell and back.

Part of 'em stayed in hell.

What are those pretty buttons?

Oh, these patches?

Well, we got this one for... tickling a cop.

Cool! What's that one for?

For not being associated with the white power movement.

And what's that one for?

For blowing up a bunch... of balloons... for kids like you.

Just an ordinary day here at Bob's Burgers, right, kids?

Nice place.

I'm Critter, by the way.

Uh, Bob.

Yeah, I'm the, uh, chapter president of these fellas.

Horny Dave was, till his grisly death.

Well, I'm sure you don't want to talk about it, so...

Yeah, he got into a wreck with a semi, all right.

Real fiery.

Mm-hmm.

By the time they pulled him out, his entire lower half, the horny half, was roasted.

That's why Horny Dave's vest here is in tatters.

Um, it looks nice.

No, it doesn't, Bob.

No, it doesn't.

This vest is supposed to make me look like the unquestioned leader of this club, but instead I, I just look foolish.

Mm.

Whoa! Statch! Nasty Slim!

Cool it!

See? Horny Dave was just a better leader.

If we were fighting, he'd come out and he'd say, "Let's go cook some meth!"

And we would, and we'd forget all our troubles.

That sounds nice.

Maybe we should cook meth.

I wanna forget my troubles.

God bless this meth.

Kids, go inside.

So, uh, that's your old lady, huh?

Uh, yeah.

She goes by "Linda."

Or Dragon.

Whichever.

So is that your old lady?

No, Mudflap was Horny Dave's.

She's a special woman.

She can open a beer with her boobs.

Mine can't do that.

It's an art.

Tina: Whoa!

Ha-ha!

Bob: Oh, my!

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Thank you.

Now I want them.

Is that a requirement for being in the club?

Wish it was that easy.

Initiation was tough.

Mudflap b*at the snot out of some poser in Macon, Georgia one fine day in spring.

Got her colors that night.

It was fall.

It was spring.

I remember because the azaleas were in bloom.

Ooh, azaleas.

Oh, the azaleas are beautiful in Macon.

Second only to their crank.

That sweet Macon crank.

Oh.

What's crank?

Like meth's dirty cousin.

Oh, we're gonna cook meth.

Oh... ha-ha.

Okay, time for bed, sweeties. Come on.

Can I bring a biker with me to tell me stories?

No, you may not.

Please...?

Just one!

No.

All right, everybody.

We drank the place dry.

Let's ride!

Biker: Come on, lil' sweetheart.

Jump on back.

I'm sure they have designated drivers, so...

This should cover the damage.

Sorry there's blood on some of it.

Huh. Oh...

Oh, one last thing. Here.

What's this?

Means we owe you one.

Put it in your window.

Nobody will mess with you.

Uh, except maybe the Buzzard Kings.

They might throw a Molotov cocktail in here.

You call me if they do.

Uh! No, no. Right in the window.

So, we've got this now.

Gene: Uh-oh, we're crossing paths again.

We're crossing paths!

Hey, remember when I told you not to come around here?

Guess not.

I'm not so good with history.

Me, neither!

I'm pretty good at history, but I have some problems with math.

Well, I'm taking a course in the future.

You know what happens in the future?

We walk right past you.

Uh! I just want no little kids around me when I'm decompressing after school.

I'm trying to create a relaxed environment, I'm making my friends feel comfortable, and then you come by with all ts attitude!

Hey, you don't want to mess with my sister.

She'll wear down your self-esteem over a period of years.

Mm-hmm. Shut up, four-eyes.

Oh.

I'm talkin' to four-ears.

With four ears, I can ignore you twice as hard.

What, what? What, what?

You've pushed me to the point of break.

I'm confiscating these.

(Louise screams)

(both gasp)

Laters!

What just friggin' happened?!

So, I couldn't help notice someone doesn't have their bunny ears on.

Ha-ha! I know, right?

It's, uh, been a pretty long time since we've seen you without your...

Too long!

Too... long!

Okay.

Louise, maybe you'd feel better if you told Mom and Dad...

How happy I am?

Mom, up high.

Hey! Oh!

I'll take one.

You got it, bro!

Whoo!

Whew. Oh. Geez.

Do you think I should go talk to her, Bobby?

No, you shouldn't!

I'm great!

Just fantastic!

(door slams)

Uh, maybe wait.

(school bell rings)

You're not wearing your ears today.

Or are they invisible?

Ha-ha-ha!

Invisible?!

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Your mind is so beautiful!

Yeah, take it in!

Whoa, Louise, not wearing your bunny ears?

This is big.

Lots of issues to discuss, feelings to process.

Oh, yeah, tell me about it, Mr. Frond!

I am processing up a storm, but I could really use a processing-partner!

Me?!

Great idea! Your office?

Five minutes?

Yeah!

I'm out of here.

I'm gonna wait for that punk at the Steps and get my ears back.

We'll come with you.

No. You guys go home and lie to Mom and Dad.

Good. I'm a liar, not a fighter.

Louise, wait.

What?

You want us to keep your dinner warm?

Yeah. Real warm.

Hello, I see you're wearing my ears. Oh, they're off-center a smidge.

Let me just...

(shrieks)

Nice try, kid.

Fine. We're all young professionals here.

I'm Louise, by the way.

I-I don't think I got your name.

Logan.

Logan... what's this in my pocket?

Oh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine dollars for the hat.

You can't buy me like a cheap sex lady!

(yells)

(chuckles)

Too slow, down low.

Why don't you go back to plan-school because looks like you need a better one.

Why don't you go to plan-school?!

Why don't you?

Why don't you?

No, you, why don't you?

Why don't you?!

No, why don't you?

Why don't you?!

What do we do with this card?

Take it down?

It's creepy.

Are you crazy?

Remember when you took down that charity jar?

You saw how pissed those breast cancer people got.

Hey, parentals.

Where's Louise?

Um...

Hat shopping?

Shopping for hats.

Huh, that makes sense.

I guess Louise needs to transition from bunny ears to something.

Like training wheels.

Like when we got a fish for Gene to prove he was responsible enough to get a dog.

I was not.

That poor fish.

So, where are we going?

My calendar is wide open.

Yeah, well, uh, I'm home now.

So, run along, little doggie.

No, we're home now.

Until I get those ears back, wherever you go, I go.

Going to school, Logan?

I'll join you.

Let's do it.

(yells)

Nope.

Logan, Logan, Logan, Logan.

What do you do?

You go to your locker before you go to class or you go to class?

Gotta pee?

What's the routine here?

You know, I could pee... in the boys' room.

Well, you think I won't go in there?

I'm not giving up, Logan.

I will wear you down.

I got a prom date because of these ears.

My practice S.A.T. scores went up.

I'm not giving up, either.

Whoo!

It stinks in here.

Welcome to boys' smell.

Logan! I like your bunny ears.

Thanks, Shanaya.

Louise: They're not his ears!

(yells)

Oh, sorry you had to leave so soon!

Let the record show that I tried to reason with you, Logan!

Now I have to go nuclear!

Can I help you?

I hope I'm not interrupting dinner, ma'am, but your son... (sighs) he stole something of mine.

Logan!

You took this girl's bunny ears?

I didn't want to tattle, but you left me no choice.

Yeah. I took 'em.

Return them. Now.

I threw 'em away.

I told you you'd never get 'em back.

Bull, you threw them away.

Search my room.

Ugh, Logan.

Sorry, I'll write you a check.

$20?

0 seems a bit high, honey.

Oh, God, Tom. Not now!

Where did you throw them away?

Pancho's Tacos.

Which one, Logan?

It's a chain!

The good one.

The one on Riverside.

Uh, kid, what you're looking for was incinerated.

It's gone.

Pfft. b*rned up. Sorry.

No!

(sobbing)

(laughing crazily)

Revenge.

Is this it?

No!

Are these it?

It's pink with ears.

Oh, then they're gone.

It's a hat.

No. Then they're gone.

Hey, I remember this hat.

It was gonna be my thing.

Remember?

I could pull this off. Right?

Um... yeah, of course you can!

There she is, my little big girl.

Tina and Gene told us you were in the market for an in-between hat, so we dug some out of the closet.

Maybe not this one.

You probably don't want this one.

How thoughtful of you all, but I don't need a hat to complete me.

I'm all I need.

Just me.

That's what I keep telling you.

Good night, Linda.

Thank you for thinking about me.

You're welcome.

All I need is that hat!

Mine!

Logan: Look who it is.

Surprised you don't have pig ears on, the way you squeal.

(laughs)

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Question.

How's your hearing?

Uh, pretty good. Why?

Well, then I guess you can hear that.

(motorcycles rumbling)

That's the sound of revenge.

Uh...

For taking that which wasn't yours, I have summoned the wrath of the One Eyed Snakes!

Hell hath no fury like...

k*ll the bikes for a second!

Thank you.

Hell hath no fury...

Did you hear that part? About hell?

Yeah, I think so.

Good.

'Cause the rest of it is, "Hell hath no fury like I do, Logan!"

You took my ears and threw them away.

And now these guys are going to take your ears and throw them away.

What?

Oh, boy.

I'm going to watch through my fingers.

No, I'm not.

I'm going to look away.

I think we're gonna have to lay low for a little while after this.

Oh, God, don't cut my ears off!

Ha! Ho!

I hate when shirt tags stick out.

Here, here, here, here!

I never threw them out, okay?

(crying): I'm so sorry!

M-My ears.

Please don't cut off my ears!

Leave 'em where they are.

They... they look good in that position.

Can I look yet?

Nee-ya...

I'll let you know.

My hands smell like onions.

It's nice.

Don't ever mess with us again, Logan.

Now, get the hell outta here!

Ah!

Yeah! That's how you do it!

That's how you do it!

(motorcycle rumbles)

No, no, no, no, we just got the place back together.

(engines rumbling, bikers laughing, talking)

Welcome back, fellas.

How are you?

Linda: Kids?

What's going on?

Louise, you're wearing your ears again.

Yeah, some kids stole 'em and these mamma-jammas got 'em back!

Mamma-jammas, what?

Your ears were stolen?

Yup. I cashed in the card the One Eyed Snakes gave us.

Good to see you again, Bob.

Nice hat.

Ah, really?

Yeah, you think so?

Oh, and I told them food and drinks are on the house.

No. They... that's... No.

I don't think that's...

Ya hear that, boys? Go crazy!

All right! Yay!

No. No. No, no, no.

All right, let's go crazy.

Please don't go crazy.

(talking, laughing)

Um, can I help you folks?

Yes.

We are parents in this community, and we're marching on your filthy, dangerous biker bar.

We're not a biker bar.

You are serving beer to a ton of bikers.

Tom, please.

This biker bar is the reason our town is going down the tubes.

And we will not allow v*olence against our children to continue.

v*olence!

v*olence? What v*olence?

Those bikers wanted to cut off my ears.

Oh, God.

Ah, calm down, we weren't gonna cut off any ears.

Don't listen to him.

He would have.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, you would.

I'm tellin' ya, I would not...

I think you would have.

You don't know my mind!

You see, I was just teachin' these little bullies a lesson.

So this is the brat who picked on my Louise, huh?

Let me tell you something, Miss Priss.

Lin...

No. I got this.

These bikers aren't the problem in this town; it's your kids.

They're a bunch of animals.

Yeah, lady!

Control your kids.

Oh, it is your kids who cannot be controlled.

She's right.

I'm out of control.

Oh, why don't you go fart in a phone booth!

(making fart noises)

All right, Lin, calm down.

You tell this hussy to calm down.

Yeah, calm it, hussy!

Do not call my wife a whore.

Oh, I will not calm it.

(grunts)

Biker: Love a catfight.

Ah!

Ooh.

(grunting)

Lin, stop...

Ah!

Don't do this...

Ooh...

Pull out her highlights, Mom.

All right, all right, everybody just calm down.

Ah!

(gasping, murmuring)

Pick that up, apologize and leave.

Please.

For your own good.

I will do no such thing.

Shoulda left when you coulda left.

Everyone who's got a Kn*fe, grab it!

It's a fight to the death!

(murmuring)

Hey, hey, you can't fight these people, Critter.

You'll... you'll destroy them.

When somebody messes with the One Eyed Snake's colors, they gotta pay.

My leadership's on the line.

I got no choice... we gotta hurt these people.

Would Horny Dave have his men b*at up some white collar parents?

Horny Dave is dead.

All right, it's goin' on now, here it goes.

They're just bluffing.

The One Eyed Snakes don't bluff.

Neither do the Belcher kids!

Except when we do.

Yeah! Let's keep shouting stuff!

Screw inside voices!

Okay, I'm calling the police.

Tom: No!

My running mix!

Oh, enough talk. Let's kick...

(groans)

Mudflap, are you okay?

I'm fine, it was just a contraction. Let's...

(groans)

Contraction?

You're in labor?

Hold that kid in till we're done!

I'll try.

(groaning): No, I can't.

This baby's coming.

Oh, this baby's coming.

I'll call an ambulance.

I'm a doctor.

Well, then get the hell over here!

All right.

Get under the hood and check the oil, Doc.

(groans)

Okay. Okay, okay.

Uh, how far apart are the contractions?

They are not.

Oh! Wow. Okay.

This baby is coming now.

Like right into my hand.

Hang in there, Mudflap, hang in there.

Don't forget to breathe.

Do you want me to get you a wooden spoon to bite on?

Oh, forget the spoon.

Get me whiskey.

Um, I'm not sure whiskey is...

I have a flask in my golf bag.

Yeah, I got one here, somewhere...

I got some whip-its.

Here. Take mine.

Hold on a sec.

Okay, you're doing great.

Uh, what's your name?

Mudflap.

Oh, Mudflap, uh... that was my grandmother's name.

Really?

No, no.

You're named after a dirty part of a truck.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, keep breathing.

Okay.

And... ready... push!

Ugh.

Just pretend it's lasagna.

(Mudflap groans)

I don't know how Mudflap's doing this without an epidura If I didn't have one with Logan?

Whoo!

Ugh, tell me about it.

Those two?

Piece of cake.

That one?

A whole cake.

I'm sorry my Logan picked on your kids.

Hey. I'm sorry my kids had bikers thr*aten to cut your kid's ears off.

I need you guys to hold up her knees, just like this...

Okay. I see the head.

(Mudflap groans) Oh, I looked.

That's a head.

I hope that's a head.

I shouldn't have looked.

I looked.

One more big push, Mudflap!

Okay!

(groans)

Here it comes!

(groans)

(baby crying)

All: Aw.

Critter: Look at that.

"Not it" to clean the table.

It's a boy.

Barely.

Mudflap, is there someone you'd like to cut the cord?

His daddy.

But Horny Dave's dead.

No, Critter, Horny Dave had a vasectomy in '95.

Come here.

What are you saying, woman?

This baby's yours.

I still don't understand.

Critter, we had sex and you knocked me up...

Slow down! Slow down!

This baby is your spawn.

Oh...

Wait a minute, what do you mean?

(sniffs)

You're a daddy.

From when?

Sometimes the one you slept with nine months ago was right in front of you all along.

Oh, Mudflap.

Give me that cord.

(people exclaiming)

Okay, are we gonna have the fight now?

Or...

Louise, there's gonna be no fight.

This little kid squashed a beef better than Horny Dave ever did.

My boy. How 'bout that?

Here, Creature.

Critter.

Right.

Maybe you could use it as a baby blanket.

Oh. Thank you.

And thanks for getting your hands dirty, Doc.

No problem.

Aw. Parents helping bikers who are now parents.

See, our town has its problems.

But it doesn't mean it's going in the crapper.

It just means if we want to be a better neighborhood, we have to be better neighbors to each other.

Boo!

Boo!

Stinks!

Okay, Louise, come on.

Thanks a lot.

It's okay.

You were very brave.

You stood up for yourself, got help from dangerous bikers, all without your ears.

Maybe you don't need them anymore.

Maybe.

And maybe I know someone who needs them more than me Look, these ears mean a lot to you, Logan, so how about you keep 'em?

Really?

No friggin' way!

I was just messing with you, you idiot!

Ah! Oh!

Welcome home, ears.

Let's get you a beer.

Dad, two beers.

No.

They're for my ears!