03x17 - Two For Tina

[bunniefuu]

Open up, babies.

Time for breakfast.

Who wants Mommy's sausage?

(chewing loudly)

None for me, thanks.

No sausage?

What's wrong, sweetie?

Today's the day I'm going to ask Jimmy Jr. to the dance.

I don't want sausage sweats.

Why?

I'm wearing my sausage sweats right now.

Aw, my baby's going to her first school dance.

It's not that big a deal.

I never went to a school dance.

What? You never went to a school dance?

No, I had other things to do.

Like what, Dad?

Well, I did leather-tooling.

I made a belt.

Somebody change the subject, somebody change the subject!

Hey, I'm fine with it.

I didn't miss out on dances.

Those other kids missed out on leather.

Aw, Bobby.

That's what I love about you: all your sad stories.

It's not sad.

Hush, you're scaring Tina.

Put that out of your head before you ask Jimmy Jr.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Leather belts.

Sausage.

Sausage belts.

That's a great idea.

(school bell ringing)

Hi, Jimmy Jr.

Oh, hey, Tina.

Did you see those two squirrels fighting in the courtyard?

Hey, speaking of the dance, are you planning on going?

Am I going to the dance?

Does this answer your question? Pyeah!

Oh, that must be dancing for "yes."

Yeah.

Then, would you like to go to the dance with me?

Uh, the best I can do now is a maybe.

I want to know what all my options are first.

That makes sense.

Yeah, it does.

Because, why tie yourself down now?

Yeah.

You know, you want to know all the girls that might be interested so you could weigh...

Right. the pro... weigh them against each other.

Okay, see you later.

Okay, bye.

Hey, Tina.

Yeah?

Ch-ah.

What's that dancing for?

Just... your skirt's stuck in your underwear.

Oh, thanks for telling me.

All right, fix it.

Okay.

♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪
♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly... ♪

Oh, my God.

Tina?

Josh?

What are you doing here?

I'm here for school.

This is homework for my street performance class.

Wow.

I go to the performing arts high school.

I dance ballet.

Oh, a bad boy.

Cool.

Who's this?

I hope she's not another Toe 'Ho.

A what Douglas.

A dance groupie.

These hangers-on, they really sap your energy.

No, Douglas, this is Tina.

I never thought I'd see her again.

Oh, great.

Hey, hey, Josh.

I have to do a minute of handstands for extra credit.

Can you time me?

No, I'm-I'm kind of busy right now.

I guess I'll just time myself, then.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

I haven't seen you since...

Douglas, you got to stop, buddy, okay?

Okay.

I'm so sorry, Tina.

What were you saying?

I haven't seen you since...

Since we kissed.

On either side of the dairy case at Fresh Feed.

It was hot.

And cold.

Why didn't you call me?

No, I wrote down your number, but I put it in my dance pants and it got all sweaty.

Dance pants.

Yeah.

Never put anything down dance pants.

Mmm.

Hey, I was just thinking, our school dance is Saturday.

Will you come with me?

Don't you want to know what your other options are?

No, silly, I want to go with you.

Well, that sounds fun, but my school dance is on Saturday, too, and today I got a soft maybe from a boy I asked.

So... I'll have to let you know?

That's totally fair.

Here's my number.

Oops, I lost it.

(laughs)

I know you're kidding.

Yep, that's our chemistry.

It sure is.

Really cool chemistry, too.

Douglas, please!

Oh, I recognize that look.

Somebody's going to the dance with Jimmy Jr.

Yes, and it might be me.

Jimmy Jr. gave me a maybe.

All right!

That's my little maybe baby.

You're gonna be the prettiest girl at the dance, maybe.

Just a maybe?

When's he gonna give you a solid answer?

Soon, I hope.

Because Josh asked me to go to his school dance, too.

Well, that's great.

Go with the kid who's not stringing you along.

Remember, Tina, a nerd in the hand is worth... not really that much, actually.

Never mind.

A yes is better than a maybe, sweetie.

Don't end up like your father.

Uh, what?

Don't end up like your father.

I guess you're right.

But, I've logged over 3,000 fantasy hours on my relationship with Jimmy Jr.

You don't just throw that away.

(phone ringing)

Bob's Burgers. Hello?

We can do it?

Yay. Oh, how exciting.

No teens are gonna get pregnant on our watch.

(laughs)

I'll see you Saturday.

Uh, what was all that?

Get ready to shake it, Bobby.

We're gonna chaperone Tina's dance.

Narc!

Chaperone?

That's a horrible idea.

Dad, your first dance.

We can get ready together.

Yeah, you can zip each other up.

Uh...

Hi, Jimmy Jr.

I was wondering if you've decided who you're going to the dance with.

Uh, no offense, Tina, but you're pressuring me right now, and guys don't like that.

Well, then, maybe I'll go with the other boy who asked me.

Wha...? Another boy?

Oh, uh...

I just decided.

I'll go with you.

Wait, you just decided you'll go with me because you found out this other boy wants to?

(scoffs) That has nothing to do with it.

Who is it? Lenny?

No.

I mean, he's good-looking, but he's not that good-looking.

Plus, looks fade.

It's not Lenny.

Was it Nate?

No.

'Cause he has herpes.

So you're saying you want to go with me?

Yes.

And Josh wants to go with me.

Choose me, Tina.

I asked you first.

But you asked me first.

We've got chemistry.

I've got a butt.

Look at it.

I asked you and only you.

As far as you know.

What?

He said, "As far as you know."

No, I didn't.

You said it.

Don't worry about who said it.

Just watch the butt.

Jimmy Jr., I just decided.

I'm going to the dance with... Josh.

(sighs) Well, would you at least think about changing your mind?

As a handsome dancer once said, "Maybe."

You're-you're the handsome dancer.

Jimmy Jr. had a chance to hitch his trailer to the Tina truck, but now it's headed down the highway to Joshville.

Honk, honk.

Two boys like Tina at the same time?

And one of them's not even papier-matcher, like Roberto was.

What happened to Roberto?

Did you try to shower with him?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Well, good for you, Tina.

When I see Jimmy Jr. at the dance on Saturday, I'm gonna tell him, "Go do your 'you had your chance dance,' buddy."

Wait-wait a minute.

Now we're chaperoning a dance Tina's not even going to?

We're not doing it for her, Bobby.

We're doing it for you.

I really wish we weren't doing it for me.

Oh, wake up, we do everything for you.

Dad, if you believe you're beautiful, you will be.

I did.

But maybe we can do something about that hair.

Did you wash it?

Walk home with us, Tina.

There's just something about your smell that keeps the mean dogs away.

Not today.

Josh is coming to pick me up.

Louise (laughing): Tights.

Tina, is he a superhero?

Hey, Tina.

Hey, Josh.

So, I'm here to pick you up.

Whoa, careful!

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

Get it?

I literally picked you up.

It was like being on a romantic stool.

Yeah, well, that was just a stool sample.

There's more where that came from.

Ten bucks says you can't lift Gene.

Toss me into a tree, then tell everyone I climbed it myself like a normal boy.

Wait, wait, wait.

Pick me up, pick me up.

Here we go.

Put me down! Put me down!

Okay, now, now you're down!

And now you're down.

That was cool.

(scoffs)

Lifting a girl.

Big deal.

I'm sorry.

You are?

Better than you.

And what? This is Jimmy Jr., the other boy who asked me to a dance.

This is Josh, the other boy who asked me to a dance.

I'm Zeke.

I'm going stag.

So you dance, huh?

On those twigs?

(laughing): You just got J-Ju-ed.

Whoa, guys, slow down.

Is this really worth it?

(moans)

Come on, Tina.

We've got reservations at a frozen yogurt stand.

Ha, can't afford regular yogurt.

I can't believe Tina found another dancer.

She's rubbing that guy's feet in my face.

Uh-oh.

Somebody's as jealous as a bald guy in a mop factory.

I'm not jealous, Zeke.

I just don't!

Like!

That guy!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down, now.

You want her back, we'll get her back.

You think so, Zeke?

I don't know, but maybe.

Well, you just said...

Oh, just trust me!

Well, well...

Kind of.

It's so hard when two boys want you.

You seem to be kind of enjoying all this attention, Tina.

Come on, Bob.

Tina had a long wait till she got to the buffet.

Let her pig out.

I'm just saying, you shouldn't string boys along.

It's not right.

You can't just tell a boy on the steps of Buchanan Middle Schoo 30 years ago that you're not going to the dance with him when you said you would.

Whoa.

What happened, Bob?

Yeah, Dad, open that wound.

Let's poke around in there.

All right, all right.

Bob: I was 13, and I just spent my allowance on a corsage.

Gene: Idiot.

Hey, Becky.

I got you this corsage.

It goes really nice with your... other corsage?

Yeah, Curt gave it to me.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Curt.

'Sup?

Sorry, I didn't know how to tell you.

I thought this would be easiest.

Yeah, yeah, this is, um... this is really easy, Becky.

Thanks.

Oh, well.

I'll see you inside.

Great belt.

Great neck.

What'd you say?

Uh... nothing.

Curt: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Your fly's down.

No, it isn't.

(blows raspberry, laughs)

Oh, got me.

Yep.

Is this stuff really important to the story, Dad?

Aw, Bobby.

That settles it.

We're gonna make up for that awful, terrible night and all your other missed dances, Bobby.

That's not why I told the story, Lin.

This is gonna be the biggest, glitziest, Bobby-est school dance ever.

And if there's a chaperone king, it's gonna be you.

There's no such thing as a chaperone king.

Well, there wasn't a raccoon king in our alley until I went out there and picked my favorite one.

(laughs) His name's Little King Trash Mouth.

He's gay.

He's gay?

Yeah.

Why?

He's got a boyfriend.

They just got married.

Hmm.

Wha...?

(mumbling)

All right, J-Ju, get your net ready.

We're about to hook us a trout called Tina.

Hey, Tina.

Hi, Jimmy Jr.

What's up, girl?

(grunting)

I got you!

I got you!

(grunting)

Come on!

Uh-oh, J-Ju's starting to rally.

Oh, he b*at me.

Oh, look at this boy.

Look at that r-raging testosterone just throbbing out of him.

(screaming)

Ah, yeah.

How you like my boy now, lady?

Ah, I got mad.

My main man's a crazy man.

I know what you're doing, Jimmy Jr.

You're trying to get me to go to the dance with you.

Well, try again.

I mean it, try again.

Um... right now?

No, later.

Just do something without Zeke.

Well, if that didn't work, nothing will.

Sorry, J-Ju.

Now let's finish what we started!

No, Zeke!

Ow!

You little son of a bitch!

Hey, guys has, um... Tina been talking about me at all?

Um, no.

Tough break, Jr.

Tough break.

Hey, will you guys help me get her back?

We'll help you, for a price.

Can you really put a price on love?

Yes, you can. It's $20.

Okay, just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.

Anything.

Hey, but don't let Tina know.

Jimmy Jr., please.

We are professional and discreet.

We would never tell her.

Hey, Tina, Jimmy Jr. just hired us to help win you back.

He did?

That is the sleaziest, sneakiest, most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Great. Can we quote you on that for our Web site?

And could you make us a Web site?

Operation Squash Josh a go.

Take your positions.

Jimmy Jr.: Hi, Tina.

Wow, a horse.

That's me, Jimmy Jr.

What are you doing in there?

Say, "I love you more than hay!"

Say, "I love you. Hey!"

I love hay.

Oh, that's nice.

'Cause you're a horse.

Say, "Saddle up for love."

Satellite above!

Seattle has dr*gs.

Oh, that's where they have dr*gs.

It's going great!

Hit her with the song.

Cue the tune, lover boy.

♪ "T" is for the way ♪
♪ You take my breath away ♪
♪ "I" is for ♪
♪ The way I like it ♪
♪ When you take my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma ♪
♪ That is a disease ♪
♪ That takes people's breath away. ♪

That was amazing.

Score.

You did it.

Yeah. High-five all around.

This is going good.

Hey, Tina.

What's with the horse?

Jimmy Jr. dressed up like a horse to surprise me.

Yeah, I know what Tina wants.

And, oh, by the way, I kissed her.

I kissed her, too.

Well, I kissed her first.

And you kissed her worst.

Guys, you both have kissed me.

It's true.

And I appreciate you dressing up as the most magical non-magical animal there is.

But I want to go to Josh's dance.

With Josh.

That's me.

Ugh. When you tell me no, it makes me want you more!

Oh, no.

Aah!

No.

Aah!

No.

Aah!

I thought you knew how to seduce your sister.

Wait, that's what we're doing?

Be patient.

Come on, it takes extra time to get through those extra thick glasses.

Plus she's a teenager and they're so fickle.

Louise: Why do we have to get a stupid babysitter?

What did I say about using that word?

You're not stupid, Jen.

I know.

I brought this puzzle for the kids to do.

Oh, look, it's nails all twisted up.

I'm not saying it's unsolvable, but it's probably unsolvable.

It's like the Ruben's Cube of nails.

Yeah, that looks great, Jen.

Oh-ho-ho...

(gasps)

Done!

Oh, my God.

What else you got?

Uh... we could look at my hand.

One of my fingers...

I got it caught in a leaf blower.

And so the knuckle didn't grow.

Oh, look at the hand.

Wow.

That's great.

Thank you.

(door opens)

(gasps)

Ta-da.

Linda: Oh, my God, it's like a fairy tale!

What a couple of sexy beasts!

(sighs)

(growls)

Can we just go?

Hi, Jen.

Not before I get a picture, you can't.

Come on, you two, get together.

Hmm.

Say, "Romance."

Romance.

Romance.

Romance!

(horn honking)

Tina, your ride is here!

And, uh... oh, what's this, Bobby?

Our ride is here, too!

Look!

I told the guy at the limo place your sad story, and he gave us a discount.

I'm staying home.

No, you're not.

Come on, I want to stand up in the sun roof and yell bwah!

Right?

Yup.

♪

I'm a little nervous.

I know, there's a lot of talent in this room.

Hey, remember to stretch, you two.

Or else you might get hurt doing this... Ha!

Don't worry, Douglas.

I won't be doing that.

No, I know you won't, sweetheart.

I like this song.

So do I.

Maybe we could like it on the dance floor.

Just think of me as your Nutcracker.

Sorry, that's the only ballet I know.

What about the lipcracker...?

Is that a real ballet, or are you asking me to kiss?

Both.

JIMMY JR.

Put the lips down!

Jimmy Jr.?

I came to fight for you, Tina.

Like fight-fight?

No.

I'm challenging you to a dance-off!

(gasps) Oh, my God, a real dance-off!

My idea. And you're welcome.

A pants off?

For me?

Uh, no, a dance-off.

Oh. That's almost as good.

(grunting)

Do Mom and Dad know you're here?

I didn't know what to do with them.

They solved the puzzle.

I didn't bring any backup puzzles.

Yeah, we stared at a knuckle-less finger for about 20 minutes.

Uh, Tina, eyes on me.

I'm winning you back.

Right, sorry.

So You Think You Can Dance called.

They said, "You can't."

Oh!

(laughs)

Did you, uh... learn that joke at the School for Performing Farts?

(laughs)

These are the best insults about dancing I ever heard!

(yelling)

(sighs) I don't ever want to leave this limo.

Oh, come on, you little wallflower.

I'm gonna pick you.

Gonna pluck your little petals.

Da-da-da-du!

All right, I'm coming.

(slow music playing)

Mr. and Mrs. Belcher.

You are our best-dressed chaperones.

Aw, thank you, Miss Jacobson.

It's my Bobby's first dance.

Uh, first dance as a chaperone.

Oh.

I've been to dances before.

Of course. If you'll excuse me...

Hands where I can see 'em!

Ooh, Miss Jacobson's a looker, isn't she?

You're telling me.

Why is she a teacher?

She should be, like, playing a teacher on TV.

All right.

That's enough.

Bob: I'm just saying, I just... Yeah. She's, um... ridiculously attractive.

Enough!

Guys, Jimmy Jr. called the dance-off, so he's gonna go first.

No moves are forbidden, except "The Forbidden Move"!

Good luck to both of you.

And don't be self-conscious if you start sweating a lot, and your shirt sticks to your chest and your abs.

Thanks, Tina.

Thanks, Tina.

DJ? Cue up something that rocks!

Yeah!

♪

Okay, there.

We danced, all right?

I-I got the middle school dance experience I never had.

Thank you, Lin.

One dance? Bobby, you didn't even move your feet.

You're still not getting into the spirit.

Look, we have a responsibility.

We're chaperones.

I saw a kid lick another kid's eyeball.

Seems like something we should get him in trouble for.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Bobby.

Uh, I'm sorry I blew my lid about Miss Jacobson.

Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.

It's fine.

It's just, you know, she-she really is a hottie.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I bet if she asked you to dance, you'd take another spin.

Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

No. No. I... No.

I would not be interested.

Go on, say it.

Say you'd rather dance with her!

I-I... Wh... I...

Say it!

This is for you!

There! (sobs)

Linda. What the hell?

(upbeat dance music playing)

(grunts)

Cut the fog, man!

Cut the fog!

(music stops, cheers and applause)

(shouts)

(shouts)

Yeah!

Douglas, what do you think?

Take it slow or go rough?

Josh, you be as nasty as you need to be.

Yes, nasty.

DJ, my music.

(classical music plays)

(quietly muttering)

Wow, he looks like a lion murdering a cloud.

I know.

Isn't it beautiful?

(Linda sobbing)

Linda? What's wrong with you?

What are you doing in there?

We just... I'm talking to my girlfriends!

Oh.

Go away, Bob!

You want to dance with Miss Jacobson!

You think she's prettier than me.

Yes, she's hot, but it doesn't matter. Who cares?

Look, I-I'm going to go back out to the dance and pretend none of this is happening because you're acting like a middle schooler, Linda, and I am, uh... Oh...

Gotcha!

So that was just so...

So you could have a little drama.

It's your middle school dance.

What, did you think these things are fun? Come on.

(chuckles)

You are definitely nuts.

But now you're more in the spirit, right?

You got some more dance in your pants, don't you?

Ooh. Come on.

I don't. No. That... I don't know.

(stutters, chuckles) Stop.

Come on, this might help right here.

I brought some schnapps.

Here? We'll get in trouble, Lin.

That's right.

(coughs) That's bad.

That is really bad.

Oh, my Go... oh, my God, it just got good.

Look.

You brought two?

Double-fist it.

Double-fist it.

I'm not mixing peach and mint.

(classical music playing)

(grunts)

Mmm.

And with great dignity, the swan... dies. (exhales)

(music stops) (sobbing): Why did I not bring any roses to toss?

I should always carry roses!

This isn't over!

Lightning round!

DJ, kick it!

(upbeat dance song plays)

(grunts)

(grunts)

("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays)

(upbeat dance song plays)

(both songs remixed play)

Here I am. No, I'm not.

Here I am. No, I'm not.

Here I am. No, I'm not.

(both grunting)

Stop. Turn off the music.

Someone's gonna get hurt.

(grunting)

I can't choose.

(both panting)

Maybe I don't have to choose.

(sultry music begins playing)

We can make this work. We'll come up with a make-out wheel.

Kind of like a chore wheel.

Uh, I don't want to do this.

Yeah, me, neither.

Give it a chance. Let's put the "try" in "triangle."

Um, no, thanks.

Talk to you later, okay?

Tonight was really fun.

Until all of this.

This was a mess.

Oh. Yeah, um, I kind of forgot what I was even doing here.

Well, we have a draw, but we also have a loser.

Which would, of course, be you, Tina.

If you ever go back to being a one-boy girl, you know where to find me. And, hey, Jimmy Jr., you got some great moves.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Let's do this.

(upbeat dance music playing, both grunting)

Oh, yeah, girl! We got ourselves a dance on!

Too bad, T.

(sighs) I got greedy and grabby.

But I had two boys fighting over me.

I'm thankful for that.

Sorry you weren't able to make Jimmy Jr. and Josh your sister-wives.

Hey, maybe next dance.

You flew too close to the buns.

(clears throat)

Watch the hands.

Um, Mr. and Mrs. Belcher?

Hi. I'm gonna have to ask you to tone it down a little bit.

Oh, you mean tone it down like this? Whoop!

No. That is not what I mean.

Hmm.

This is completely inappropriate behavior.

(slurring): Bobby's first dance!

(retches)

Oh, my God. Oh, Lin.

Oh, the schnapps.

Oh, Lin.

(gags) Oh, it tastes like peach.

(laughs) Oh, man.

That's all over me.

Ah, I got to take my shirt off. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna lose it, too!

Can I get a little help over here?

I'm gonna lose it!

All right, these two, out. Right here.

Ooh, you're even prettier when you're angry, little lady.

I got it! I got it!

You're not security.

You're friends with Tina.

Hey. Get your hands off me.

What? Hey! These two.

Get 'em out.

Get your hands off me, little guy.

♪ "T" is for the way you take my breath away ♪
♪ "I" is for the way I like it when you take my breath away ♪
♪ "N" is for no one else takes my breath away ♪
♪ And "A" is for asthma that is a disease ♪
♪ That takes people's breath away! ♪

Oh, that's nice.

'Cause you're a horse.