06x04 - Gayle Making Bob Sled

Look at you. You don't even know how beautiful you are.

That's what makes you so beautiful.

Well, I heard that turkey's had a ton of work done.

Had his head chopped off, skin removed, big ol' boobs...

♪ It's Thanksgiving ♪
♪ Thanksgiving for everybody ♪
♪ 'Cept for Europeans. ♪

Don't worry about the Europeans.

They're fine. They've got tapas. And Belgium.

And Leonardo DiCaprio, eight months out of the year.

Okay, turkey's in.

Now time to make everything else.

Potatoes, hello, good to see you.

Carrots, you're gonna be... pretty good.

I mean, you're not potatoes, but you're fine.

Would you say Dad and Thanksgiving sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G?

I would kiss Thanksgiving, Louise.

Its kiss would be salty and delicious.

Like a mermaid.

Okay, I better go get Gayle before I forget to get Gayle.

Mwah. Why can't she drive herself?

Come on, Bob. She sprained her ankle.

She says she can't drive.

She also said she can't use toothpaste because she's afraid she'll get addicted.

Bob. Fine.

But I should get her, Lin.

It's really snowy out

So?

Uh, remember the last time you drove our car in the snow?

(all screaming)

Oh, no! (screaming)

Oh. Oh, right.

How'd she sprain her ankle?

She said she slipped on salsa while she was salsa dancing.

Poor Gayle. And to make it worse, she's down in the dumps 'cause Mr. Frond dumped her.

I know just the guy to set her up with.

Oh, wait, I was thinking of Mr. Frond. Never mind.

All right. So who wants to come with me?

What?! It's snowing!

Yeah. You're a kid. Kids love snow.

Take it easy, Norman Rockwell.

I'm more into rain now.

Fine. I'll go by myself, but just... no one touch anything while I'm gone.

Stay away from the oven.

Calm down. No one wants to cook, you weirdo.

If anything happens, don't call AAA, because we don't have them and we owe them money from when we did!

(horn honks)

Announcer: I hope you're over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house already, because we're looking at a nasty Thanksgiving blizzard, folks.

Stay off the roads.

You stay off the roads. (chuckles)

Come on, Gayle.

(horn honks)

Gayle? It's me, Bob.

Your five locks were unlocked, so I'm-I'm coming in.

I'm not a murderer. And if there's a murderer in here, uh, don't murder me.

Gayle: Bob? Is that you?

Yep. Uh, car's out front and it's really coming down, so we-we need...

I'm in the bathroom. I need help.

Oh. Uh, great.

I'll just come into the bathroom where you are to help with... whatever you need.

I fell when I was getting out of the shower, and I can't stand back up.

Oh, okay. Let me just... Um, give me your hand.

(shouting) Come on, Gayle!

Oh, calm down, Bob. It's just my breasts.

And if something happens between us, it happens.

Gayle, nothing is gonna happen.

Well, not with that attitude it won't.

Hand me the shirt, Bob.

Okay, is it on yet?

No.

Okay. Now?

No, not yet.

Gayle, why is it taking you so long to put a shirt on?

Your arms aren't sprained.

Okay, it's on.

No. No, wait. Okay, now. Mm.

No. Hold on.

Please put it on. Gail.

Great. You look great.

So let's go.

I just need to find my cats.

I can't leave 'em here alone. What?

No, no, no. We're not taking them to my house.

I-I'm allergic.

But Mr. Business is hypoglycemic!

He has to eat something every two hours or he gets real lethargic.

Fine, bring him. If it'll get us out of here faster, bring him.

I just won't breathe today, I guess.

Okay.

Mr. Business! Mr. B...

Oh, there he is, up there.

Bob, can you get him? He'll jump down if you sing to him and pat your shoulders.

Oh, my God.

Okay, um...

(humming)

No, no, no. Something with a little rhythm.

It's got to be jazzy.

(sighs) Okay. All right, all right.

(singing scat)

Gayle: There you go.

(continues singing scat)

Oh, look at him, he loves it.

Ow! Ow! (sneezes)

You did it, Bob.

Good job.

Oh!

Ow.

Put him in this box.

Here, here.

Okay.

Now, tape it shut.

With what tape? I don't have tape!

Why are you being so negative?

Oh, my God.

(yowling) Ow!

I'll find some tape.

(grunting)

(screams) What are you doing?!

I'm making a salad. I told Linda I'd bring one.

You were supposed to be getting tape, Gayle!

I didn't want to make two trips!

Don't worry about it. He's fine in there.

(Mr. Business yowls)

He likes it.

Okay, let me just find my house keys.

They're all separate and not on one ring.

(annoyed chuckle)

Okay, car's not snowed in.

That's good.

(horn honking)

Let's get go...

No, no, no, no.

No! No!

I left the Thanksgiving megamix I made in the CD-ROM drive!

Ugh. Okay.

Gayle, do you have a shovel?

No.

Uh, a bucket?

No.

Okay. Um, a bowl?

Uh... no.

Well, the one the salad is in, but I don't have any others.

You only have one bowl?

I'm not rich, Bob.

(groans) Ooh!

But I do have a whole bunch of kitty poop scoops.

Would those work?

Not really.

Okay, just give 'em...

Here's one. Here's my good one.

That's fine. Here's the purple one.

I hate this one.

I feel like it's making fun of me.

Lin, hi. No, no, no.

We're fine. Just... the car is buried in the snow.

How's the turkey? I mean, how are you and the kids?

We're doing good. Everyone's good.

We're making up cuss words.

Listen to this: aw, finky!

That's great. Listen, we're in a little bit of a situation here.

Uh, the car is buried and I'm poop-scooping it out, but it's gonna take a little while, so I'm gonna need you to baste the turkey.

Wait, wait. You want... you want me to do what?

Don't worry, you can do it. It's gonna be fine.

Just keep it moist until I get home.

But, Bob, you always cook the turkey!

Just relax, all right?

Get out the baster.

Tell him not to worry.

He'll probably be confused, 'cause he's so used to my voice.

Then get some juice from the pan and, you know, squirt it on the turkey.

That's what basting is?

J-Just tell the turkey I'm on my way.

Uh, o-okay, okay, bye.

All right, just tell him now so I can hear you say it, 'cause I want him... I want to hear what he says.

I'm hanging up! I got to go! Bye! Yep. All right. Bye.

(line ringing)

Teddy: Bob, happy Thanksgiving.

Teddy, great. I-I need your help. My car is snowed in at Gayle's apartment. Is there any chance you could pick us up in your truck and take us to my house?

I wish I could help you, Bob, but my truck's in the shop.

I've been biking everywhere, like they do in China.

Wait, you've been biking?

Well, I biked to one place. It was horrible.

Also, I'm on a cruise.

What?!

Yep. Me and Mom. It's a singles cruise.

Uh, sock's on the door. I can't go in.

Guess it's back to the buffet. (grumbles)

A-All right. Thanks, Teddy.

I'm having a terrible time, Bob.

Uh, I got to go.

I don't think my mom respects herself. Bye.

All right, Gayle, we're gonna go on foot.

But, Bob, I can't. My ankle.

Damn it. Right, I forgot.

You go. Just leave me here.

Okay. Bye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What?

Bob, I just had a great idea.

Piggyback. Come over here. Crouch down.

No. Gayle, I can't carry you. It's too far.

But maybe I could drag you.

What's that?

It's a kiddie pool.

It's so I can shave my legs while I watch TV.

It distracts me from the pain.

I buy very cheap razors.

(quietly): Uh, it's so sad here.

What was that?

Nothing, I... I'm just thinking of a plan.

♪ ♪

(blowing)

All right, snowstorm.

You thought you could beat me, but you can't!

Hang on, little turkey! Here I come!

Bob, were you talking to me?

Forget it, Gayle. Just sit there. Okay.

We'll be there in no time.

Or, like, three hours, probably. Maybe four.

I should call Linda.

Mm. I'm not comfortable.

Gayle, no talking right now.

Walking? Bob, you're nuts!

Please don't freeze to death in the snow, on Thanksgiving.

Oh, I'll be so embarrassed if Dad publicly freezes to death.

I hope he freezes with a thumbs-up.

That'd be one cool ice cube.

Lin, I promise we're not gonna die, but it's gonna take a long time.

I think you're gonna have to cook the whole turkey and make the sides, too.

What? What? What, what?

I'm not gonna cry.

It-It's gonna be okay. The turkey's gonna be fine.

Bob, I just got used to being a baster!

I'm a baster! I-I mean, I-I haven't done it yet, but I was just about to.

Linda, nobody wants this to be happening, but we're gonna get through it.

Now, listen very carefully...

Actually, you got to write all this down.

(gasping) All right, you ready?

Okay.

It's a 16-pound turkey.

I was expecting to cook it in three-and-a-half hours. Uh...

You need to baste it every 45 minutes. (exhales)

And in about half an hour, you need to start checking the internal temperature. Use the meat thermometer. Oh...

You need to check it in at least three places: (panting) the breast, the outer thigh, Uh... uh... and then the inner thigh.

It needs to be 165 degrees by the time it finishes cooking.

Uh-huh...

If it starts to dry out before it reaches that temperature, (panting) you must tent it with foil.

Okay, okay. Let me find a pen!

What?! No, no, no, I got it, I got it!

I'll get the kids to help me.

I'll get the kids. Yeah, yeah.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, no, don't do that.

Okay, bye!

Don't hang up! Lin! Lin!

Kids, listen up! Your father is pulling your aunt through the snow because he's a hero.

We're all gonna have to cook stuff. Gene, green beans!

Is that my new name?

It's your name, and it's your job!

Louise, mashed potatoes and carrots.

Gene, I'm trading you.

Never!

And, Tina, you're on Team Turkey with me, baby.

So it's me, you and the turkey against Gene and Louise?

No. I mean, sure.

Shove it, sides.

Tina, focus.

Your father just said a bunch of stuff that I didn't write down.

Call him back.

No, no, no, no, no. We got it.

W-We'll look it up.

Hey, is there... is there any more room on Team Sides?

Tina! Look at me!

We can do this.

Right, right, right, right.

I think we're making really good time.

I bet we've gone at least a mile.

Hey, maybe I'll enter that dogsled race in Alaska.

Those dogs think they're so great, but wait till they get a load of me.

That's right, Bob.

I can't hear you very well, but you seem happy.

Oh, my God.

Is this the dry cleaners at the end of your block?

Yes! (groans) I went the wrong way.

Everything looks the same in the snow.

Well, at least you're getting some exercise, Bob.

Yeah. Good. Great.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I'm gonna take my side in a dessert direction.

Perhaps a jelly bean, green bean casserole without the casserole?

Yeah.

And the problem with most sides is that they aren't dessert.

Okay, Mom, I think it's time to start taking temperature readings.

Okay.

And it says here we need to check the temperature of the stuffing, too.

What?

The turkey juice gets absorbed by the stuffing in the cavity.

Uh-oh! And if it's not hot enough, it can lead to salmonella! Oh, my God!

Nine million people die each year from stuffing!

No!

Sorry, nine. But still.

(grunts) (beeping)

Oh, Bob, my alarm just beeped.

Time to take a break and let Mr. Business eat.

W-Well, you can feed him.

You're sitting. You're there.

I'm... I'll keep pulling.

We got to go.

No, he gets carsick!

Fine, Gayle. Just please try to make it fast, okay?

But maybe don't open the box so much bec...

Oh, it's fine, Bob.

Time to eat, my little low-blood-sugar booger.

No, Gayle, he's getting out! No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Gayle: No...!

(screaming) Gayle! Gayle! Gayle!

What?!

Calm down.

You have to find my cat!

Okay, look, I'm sure he didn't go that far.

We can... We'll get him.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Bob, don't talk down to him.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Here, Mr. Business!

Good Mr. Business!

Use his full name. It's Jim. Mr. Jim Business.

Oh, uh, why don't you call him, then?

Oh, please. He hates the sound of my voice.

Oh... my God.

Tina, write this down. Breast, 125.

Okay.

Uh, thigh, 100 and, uh, call it 20. Okay.

Uh, this part, 100 and, uh, I can't read it.

Got it.

Mom, quit poking the poultry.

You're gonna let all the air out.

Just put your hand on its forehead.

Oh, my God, this one's 400.

Forget it.

F-Forget that one.

Okay.

That looks right.

You say potato, I say hot fudge potato sundae.

Well, we do not have enough jelly beans to make Gene's jelly bean casserole, but luckily we have gummy worms, chocolate chips, and who's this little guy?

One peanut butter Thundergirl cookie from last year?

How did you escape?

Die, die, die!


Mr. Business! Mr. Jim Business!

Wait, Bob, here.

This is his collar.

We must be going the right way.

He's leaving us clues.

Fine, but... (screams)

Bob? You okay? Looks like you fell down.

I did, Gayle. I did.

I need a quick break.

No. All right. You're right.

I got to keep going. We got to keep moving.

That's the spirit, Bob!

All right, I'm getting up.

Up and at 'em, Bob!

Here we go, we're doing this!

Bob? Where are you, Bob?

(muffled): I'm here.

In the snow?

Yes.

In the snow.

We're not gonna make it, are we?

I don't know, Gayle.

I think I just need to rest for a minute.

Get my strength back.

You want a little salad, Bob?

No. No salad.

Okay, fine. Maybe a little.

Here you go.

Mm.

What kind of dressing is this?

There's no dressing.

Something must have dripped in it.

Oh! (spitting)

Tell me a story, Bob.

Not right now, Gayle.

Okay, I'll tell one.

Once there was a movie called You've Got Mail.

Please, no.

Oh, my God!

This side is brown.

This side is raw.

I'm getting readings all over the place!

This oven sucks!

All right, you know what we got to do?

We got to turn this bird.

Tina, mitt me.

Okay, here we go.

Just gonna grab the legs and give her a gentle...

Oh, God!

(Tina and Louise scream)

You monster!

Do you think your dad'll notice?

Oh, now he's my dad?

Ah, it's fine.

Tell him the turkey was playing with fireworks.

It's amazing what they can do with prosthetics these days.

No. You know what? Gene, get me a needle. Tina, get me some thread. Louise, get me a drink.

Everybody scrub in for turkey surgery, stat!

(sighs) Uh, just a few more minutes, then I'll be ready to go.

I'm freezing.

Aren't we supposed to share body heat?

Uh, I guess we could, uh, huddle.

For warmth.

(grunts) Okay. Ooh.

Oh. That's actually a lot warmer.

I drink a lot of soup.

By the way, thank you, Bob.

I really appreciate everything you've been doing for me today.

I know you don't like me.

What? No. No, no, I-I...

It's okay. I know I'm a little... eccentric.

Crazy?

Eccentric.

That's what I said.

And I've been a little moody.

I didn't notice.

It's just, sometimes you meet a guy who likes cats and has great armpits, and then next thing you know, he leaves you high and dry.

Are you talking about Mr. Frond?

I mean, you probably call him Phillip.

No, I call him Mr. Frond.

Look, Gayle, I mean, you're... you.

I am?

Yes. Definitely.

You're right.

Yeah. I know.

And that's... there's something about that.

That's something.

Yes. And you're gonna meet someone who's-who's right for you.

I mean, the Internet is... vast.

That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

May I fart?

Hmm?

I have to fart, but I... we're huddled, so...

Yeah, I'd rather you didn't.

(farts)

Oh. Oh. There you go.

You-you just did.

I did.

Yup.

(farts) I did it again.

Yeah, I heard that one.

Uh-huh.

Um...

Oh. It's stuck down in my snowsuit. Oh.

That one is... whew... coming up around my neck.

(gasps) Mr. Business!

Gayle!

Wait, how are you running?

With my legs!

I mean, oh, ow.

Ow, it hurts.

You aren't hurt!

You were faking it!

Fine. I was faking it for attention.

What?! Are you serious?!

You ruined my Thanksgiving dinner because you wanted attention?!

No, I ruined your Thanksgiving dinner because I wanted attention!

Oh, wait, is that what you said?

Oh. Yes!

Mr. Business! Gayle, I can't believe you lied to me!

You let me drag you for miles and you could walk the whole time?!

Gayle, you're getting really far away.

I want to yell at you, so please stop running.

No!

I'm going after my baby!

He's all I have left!

Except for my other two cats!

(panting)

Gayle!

Oh, God. So tired.

So old.

(phone rings)

Everything's fine!

What?

Everything's fine.

Turkey's great.

I just want know how far away you are.

But everything's fine.

Okay.

Well, uh, funny story.

Your sister got loose and chased her cat down the street.

And, uh, now I can't see her.

What? You lost her?

Bob, it's a blizzard out there. She could die!

It's not my fault, Linda. She ran away from me.

She ran, Lin. On her foot.

It's not hurt. She faked her ankle injury.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she does that.

Wait, what? You knew?

No. No, I didn't know for sure, but she does it sometimes.

Lin, I've been pulling her through the snow for the past three hours!

Look, look, look, she's just upset because of Mr. Frond.

What does that have to do with her ankle?

Oh, she fakes injuries when she's sad.

Or when she's happy. Or bored. Or injured.

Oh, Lin, I hate your sister.

No, you don't. You love her.

She's family, Bob.

She's your family, Lin. You married me.

That makes her your family whether you like it or not.

I don't... like it. You go find her, Bob.

But take your time. Take your time.

(electric whirring)

What? Everything's fine.

Why'd you say "Take your time"?

And what's that noise?

What noise? Uh, shh.

Turkey's great. Perfectly cooked. Perfectly safe.

Wait, what's going on with the turkey?!

Turkey says hi. Bye.

But... no!

Damn it!

(meows)

Hey, Mr. Business, wait!

Oh, great.

Come down, come on.

Okay. All right.

I'll do the thing. With the scatting.

All right? Is that what you want?

Here you go.

(singing scat)

Oh, come on. You loved the scatting earlier.

You're climbing higher!

Oh, God, this is horrible.

But I'm gonna come get you.

Yup, I've got to get you.

So I'm gonna come up.

(grunting)

Okay, I am very high up, but no big deal.

I'm just gonna grab the cat, and...

Good kitty. See?

I won't hurt you.

I'm your uncle, kind of.

Now let's just stay calm and we'll work our way down.

Very slowly.

Gayle: Bob? Bob?

I'm up here. I found Mr... Mr. B...

Mr. B... Uh...

(sneezes)

Uh... Oh, oh...

(screams)

(grunts)

Oh, Bob. You saved Mr. Business.

I did.

You broke his fall.

(grunts) Bob?

What, Gayle?

Are you still mad at me?

Yes. No.

I mean, it doesn't matter.

Did you get hurt?

I don't know, Gayle.

I landed on my back.

From, mm... maybe ten feet.

So, it's probably fine, right?

Let me try and get up.

Oh, I can't!

I can't sit up.

Oh, Bob.

Uh, I'm dead.

Cut me open and sleep inside me.

You and the cat.

No, Bob.

Let's call that plan B.

(grunting)

(panting)

Wow, Gayle, I can't believe you pulled me all the way here.

I'm happy to do it, Bob.

I ate all the salad though, so don't tell anyone there was salad.

Uh, well, I guess I should make a toast.

No, Bob. I want to make a toast.

Oh, um, okay.

To you.

Bob, today you proved that no matter what, family is always there for each other.

Even when they drive you crazy.

Gayle, no, y-you don't drive me crazy.

You can be a real handful sometimes, Bob.

Oh. (whoops) You drive me nuts.

But I love you.

Well, thanks.

And I want to say to you, Gayle, that I was mad that I had to pull you in a kiddie pool today, but I'm also glad that you pulled me in a kiddie pool.

And maybe it's good to be annoyed by your family, because that means you have one.

Aw, Bob. That's nice.

And Mr. Frond was a fool to let you go, Gayle, but we're glad to have you here.

So what happened? I thought you guys were doing so good.

Oh, he told me the oldest breakup line in the breakup book.

"I have scabies"?

No, he said he was going to visit his aunt for Thanksgiving.

I mean... (scoffs) Wait, what?

That's all he said?

Gayle, he's probably actually visiting his aunt for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, right. Who spends Thanksgiving with their aunt?

Aunt Gayle, you know you're our aunt, right?

Oh, my God, you think he was telling the truth?

Yes!

And you think Jacob Epstein was telling the truth when he said he was going on a secret mission to South Russia and he needed to borrow $200 for the taxi there?

Uh-huh. Sure, of course. Definitely.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yup.

Well, do I feel silly.

(phone rings)

(gasps) It's him! It's Mr. Frond!

You know what? I will call him back.

I'm eating dinner with my family.

Aw, family.

Now come on, let's ea...

Look at the food.

Look at it. Wow.

Don't look too close. Look at me.

Oh, God, what happened to the vegetables?

Survival of the sweetest, Dad. It's nature's way.

Well, uh, they look... great.

You guys really came through.

I mean, you cooked a turkey.

(whoops)

All right, let's carve it.

Whoa. Comes off real easy.

As it should.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, is this thread?

Yeah, what do you use to sew your turkeys?

Should we not eat this?

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.

We could, maybe...

No.

I'll eat it.

Hey, look who found a plate of microwave egg rolls.

(Bob humming)

Gayle: No, no, no. Something with a little rhythm.

It's got to be jazzy.

Bob: (sighs) Okay, all right, all right.

(Bob singing scat)

Gayle: There you go.

Oh, look at him, he loves it.

Gayle and Linda: ♪ It's Thanksgiving ♪
♪ Thanksgiving for everybody ♪
♪ Except for Europeans ♪

(Gayle sings scat)

♪ It's Thanksgiving ♪
♪ Thanksgiving for everybody ♪
♪ Except for Europeans. ♪

(Gayle singing scat)