07x03 - Teen-a Witch

[bunniefuu]

Four days till Halloween.

So five days till I'm feeling dandy and pooping candy.

I don't know what my costume's gonna be, but I do know it'll be last minute and Mom will make it.

I think I have a pretty great idea for a costume.

(singsongy): Maybe even great enough to win the costume contest.

Oh, yeah, the costume contest.

I'm disqualified because of last year.

And next we have Louise Belcher dressed as, ah, Phillip Frond.

(imitating Mr. Frond): I'm a guidance counselor.

Council, council, council, council. ‭No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Safe to cross.

I don't do costume contests.

The only contests I do start with either "Miss" or "Pie Eating."

I'm gonna be a hot mess.

I'm gonna dress really messy and then decorate myself in flames.

Ooh, Tina, that's a good idea.

Yeah. Wait, you're gonna be a hot mess?

Because I'm actually gonna be a hot mess.

Wait, I thought we were gonna be sexy Judge Judys?

No, Jocelyn, I'm gonna be a hot mess.

Tammy, are you saying that because you just heard me say it and like the idea?

No, I like the idea because it's mine now.

I mean, it was always mine. Always. I always had it.

She's got you there, T.

Back on the sidewalk.

Wait, Tammy! ‭See ya later!

I'm gonna sign up for the costume contest right now.

My hot mess idea is totally gonna win.

It's my idea!

I need to cross the street.

Not safe.

Jackie, please, let me cross!

Tammy's stealing my costume idea!

Not safe.

But there are no cars coming, look!

Now I'm not letting you cross because you're getting on my nerves.

(groans)

Thanks a lot, Jackie. Thank you.

I can see two things coming from a mile away: cars and sarcasm.

Crossing guard burn.

All right, guys.

Here it is. ‭Wow.

Ooh, I love it! My little Bobbleangelo.

It's a perfect burger.

Yeah. I used a stencil.

Oh. ‭Okay. Slightly less impressed.

It's clever though, right? We're a burger restaurant.

It's advertising.

I wouldn't say "clever."

I'm gonna go put this outside.

‭Outside?

Why don't you put it on the counter for decoration?

No, jack-o'-lanterns go outside.

That's what people do with jack-o'-lanterns.

But what if some kid smashes it or eggs it or something?

I'll bring it in tonight, when we close up.

When I was a kid, squirrels used to eat our jack-o'-lanterns. Aw.

And then one year my dad sat in the bushes with a BB g*n and he waited for the squirrels to come.

Oh. ‭Huh. ‭Eh. Well, it wasn't BBs that got 'em.

He also poisoned the pumpkins.

That was, uh, not my favorite Halloween.

(Tina groaning)

I can't believe Tammy stole my costume.

I can't believe that you can't believe it.

I really wanted to win this year.

(sighs) I've come so close so many times.

I can taste it.

Frond: And the winner is...

Katie Waxman!

Aw.

And the winner is...

Nicholas Mendoza!

(sighs)

And the winner is...

Tina Belch... ‭(gasps)

Oh, wait, sorry. Trina Belson!

(groans)

(sighs) Now what am I gonna be?

You could go as a sore loser again.

You're great at that costume.

Okay, you guys, what about... what about, what about... what about a sand-witch?

I've got fish sticks, but I'm open to the possibility.

No, no, I mean a sand-witch... two pieces of bread with a witch in the middle. Eh. ‭Eh.

I'm gonna go to the library to research witches and bread.

Oh, sure, yeah, just check out that book Witches and Bread.

And then check out Vampires and Cake.

It's a classic.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Ambrose.

I'm looking for books on witches.

‭Witches?

Yeah. I need to find some good pictures.

I'm gonna be a sand-witch for Halloween. Get it?

Yeah. I get it, yeah.

I mean, I know witches wear pointy hats and fly on broomsticks, but it'd be helpful to have a reference picture to work off of.

I really want to win the costume contest.

Witches don't wear pointy hats and fly on broomsticks.

They look like everyone else.

They do? Yeah, you're describing a stereotype.

Don't be a witchist.

I-I'm not! I didn't know.

I-I mean...

What-what do you mean?

Witches are powerful and alluring.

Wow. I like powerful and alluring.

How do you know so much about witches, Mr. Ambrose?

Duh! I work in a library!

Oh. Right.

‭(whispering): And I am one!

What?

‭I am one!

Shh!

‭Really?

Don't look so surprised.

Listen, do you really want to win this contest?

Yes.

Then be a witch.

I think I made it pretty clear I'm going to be a witch.

No, I mean be a witch.

Then you can cast a spell to win the contest.

There's such a thing as a spell to win a costume contest?

Of course there is.

You think people just win the Nobel Peace Prize?

I mean, I thought they did.

Wake up, Tina!

Witches are everywhere.

Oh.

‭Here. You can try a spell.

It might work, it might not.

Not everyone is able to do it.

Huh. Okay, well, I guess I'll give it a try.

But, Tina, beware.

Casting spells can be really dangerous.

Oh, wait, should I not...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you totally should.

But I'm just saying...

(whispers): beware!

Okay. Um, do I go now?

Yeah, you go.

Tina: My first spell.

Here I go into the dark arts.

"First, carve the word 'contest' into a candle."

Okay, did that.

"Then light the candle and say the following words:

"'I make this true by closing my eyes and see myself winning first prize.'"

Tina!

‭Aah!

We thought of another costume idea for you.

Cheer-bacca. It's Chewbacca in a cheerleading uniform.

What's, uh, happening in here?

You trying to cover up your room funk?

(sniffs) Whew, 'cause it's not working.

Wait, is that a spell book?

Mr. Ambrose gave me this book.

He's a witch.

Seriously?

Ambrose? Huh.

Well, he does ride to school on a bike with a little dog in the front basket.

Yeah. So, I'm kinda learning how to be a witch, too.

‭What?! ‭What?!

And I just cast a spell to win the costume contest.

What a fun way to cheat at a costume contest.

Well, after Tammy stole my idea, which was unfair, I decided it was okay to be unfair.

I could use a spell.

Anything in there to get me out of my book report tomorrow?

Huh.

Oh, there's a spell here that could work for you.

Cast it. Cast away.

‭Don't bring up that movie!

You know I'll cry!

‭Sorry.

♪ Halloween's coming ♪
♪ Kids are trickin', kids are treatin' ♪
♪ Ghosts gonna spook, pumpkins gonna pump, la... ♪

Oh.

‭What? You okay?

Did that get too scary for you?

No, I just realized I forgot to take my jack-o'-lantern inside.

I'm gonna go get it.

Oh, okay.

Guess I'm doing the dishes myself.

♪ Kids are trickin', kids are treatin'... ♪

I wrote "no book report" on here.

Now I just have to burn it.

Aah! Okay, that's probably burnt enough.

Cast a spell for me, too!

I want fish sticks for tomorrow's lunch at school.

Wait, wasn't that today's lunch?

What's your point?

Nothing, nothing.

Dream your crazy dream.

Let me see.

Um, okay.

"Fish sticks are what we desire.

Give us this food; our hunger is on fire."

Nice.

‭Oh, look at that.

Love spells.

Maybe I'll just do a quick one.

Shocking. I just need something of Jimmy Jr.'s.

Maybe his old, um, gym sock?

You have a drawer of Jimmy Jr.'s things?

Just his socks.

And his old retainer.

And his toothbrush.

Why so many wet marshmallows?

From his hot chocolate.

Okay, um...

Jimmy Jr., Jimmy Jr., Jimmy Jr.

Okay. Done.

Give me one of those marshmallows.

I want to do a spell where I put it in my mouth.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

It's working.

What the...

Someone took it?

Who steals a pumpkin?

Smash it if you're gonna do something!

Stop yelling!

Sorry, Edith.

Someone took my pumpkin.

TMI!

Gene: Tina, look!

Is that a fish stick?

Yes! Spell fulfilled.

I found it in my locker.

I was using it as a bookmark.

That's not all.

Guess who got jury duty.

Who? Dish.

Ms. Labonz!

We had a substitute, and I didn't have to do my book report!

Wow. So those spells actually worked.

But what about my love spell?

Hey, Tina.

Hey, Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

Got some lunch, huh?

Where are you gonna sit?

I don't know.

Can we sit here? ‭Sure.

Move over, Rover!

Come on! ‭Ow.

Son of a witch. (Jimmy Jr. and Zeke arguing)

The spells worked!

(quietly): I guess I'm a real witch.

We'd better get you registered for some cauldrons.

Get Crate and Barrel on the phone.

(Bob snoring)

(sniffs) Bob?

Do you smell that?

Something's burning.

Okay, you keep sleeping.

I'll go save our lives.

Normal.

Normal.

Normal... What?!

Tina, what the hell is going on?!

(groans)

Mom. It's hard to explain.

You wouldn't get it.

I get that it's late and you're gonna burn the house down.

It's like Kenny G's rehearsal space in here.

(blowing)

Linda Belcher, not a peep.

Close your eyes and go to sleep.

I am going to sleep.

All right.

Good night.

No more candles.

Don't call me Linda Belcher.

It's creepy.

(rock intro playing)

♪ Ha-ha, ha, ha, ha... ♪

Ow! Tina!

What the hell?

Darryl, I hear you're gonna be E.T. for Halloween.

You might want to phone home to me to congratulate me on winning.

Hey, Peter, your costume is gonna be the Mona Lisa?

Yeah.

‭Well, you might want to...

Mone home... after I win the contest.

What?

Jimmy Jr., want to walk my ass to class?

Uh... okay.

Someone woke up all witchy today.

What do you got there, a second jack-o'-lantern?

Actually, it's my third.

The first one was my fault; I forgot to bring it in.

But the second one, when I put it out...

I'll tell it, I'll tell it!

It's a mystery.

Bob was locking up the restaurant when he remembered the jack-o'-lantern was still sitting there.

He looked away for a second to unlock the door, and when he turned back, the jack-o'-lantern had vanished!

And then he went, "No...!"

I-I didn't scream, "No..." I said, "No."

Actually, I don't even think I said, "No."

I think I said something cool, like a swear.

So the pumpkin just disappeared?

Oh, spooky.

Well, I mean, someone took it and was very good at doing that.

Or something.

Like a ghost.

(gasps)

‭It wasn't a ghost.

I'm staying away from that pumpkin just in case.

Okay. Done.

I'm putting it outside.

Outside? Are you nuts?

Leave it in here where it's safe.

No, no, no, no, Lin, I want someone to try and take this one.

And I'm gonna catch them when they do.

This pumpkin is bait.

Bait for a ghost.

Pumpkin Ghost, I want it on record, I have nothing to do with this!

Me neither!

It's just Bob!

Get him! Don't get us!

Sorry, Bob.

I cast all the spells in this book.

Can I get a new one?

You cast all the spells?

‭Yeah.

It's a reference book.

You're not supposed to run through it like an Us Weekly!

Well, I did. I think I'm good at this witch thing.

Ugh. You've been a witch for, what, two days?

Take it down a notch!

You're playing with powerful forces!

This is not kids' stuff!

I am powerful forces.

Witch, please!

Fine. I don't need your books.

I'll just go on the Internet.

Because print is dead.

Tell me about it.

Can you log me into the computer?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Tina: (groans)

This is taking forever.

It's the last phase of a waning moon.

We're wasting good spell-casting time.

I'm beginning to understand why they b*rned witches.

Yeah, T, you don't have to be such a spell hound.

Okay to cross.

Finally. I thought this was a crosswalk, not a "wait around all day" walk.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

You watch your mouth.

You watch my mouth... cast a spell on you.

Excuse me?

Didn't we just do this?

You're gonna cast a spell on me?

I could.

Really?

‭Really.

Hey! What are you doing?

My barrette.

Give it back.

Can't. I need it for my spell.

Your spell?

In 24 hours, your fate will be worse, 'cause the girl who cast spells now is cursed!

You can keep crossing now.

Wait, but...

Cross!

(screams)

Oh, my God.

Did you just get cursed?

I think so?

Look on the bright side: your hair looks great like that.

Tina, you okay?

You're just pushing around your meatballs.

Are you eating dinner or playing pool?

(chuckles)

‭Yeah...

I'm just kind of distracted thinking about this thing someone said to me today.

Wha? What thing?

It's about being cursed and my fate.

You know, that kind of thing.

Sheesh, school bullies have gotten so much more poetic.

Back in my day, you just got called "poop-stain-pinkpants" or something.

They would just say it over and over again.

(screams)

Did you guys see that?

The Kn*fe almost stabbed my foot!

You could've lost a toe.

But maybe that little weird one.

That would've been fine.

Bob: Hey, Lin?

Can you bring me the salt?

Come get it yourself!

You know I can't leave my post.

Linda: Bob, Tina got cursed today!

Oh. Sorry, Tina!

Would it help if you brought me the salt?

Just come get it, Bob!

Fine!

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick...

I've never seen Dad move that fast when it wasn't bathroom related.

(Bob screams)

It's gone!

Linda: What? Really?

You made me come get the salt!

Wait a minute.

Pesto.

Jimmy Pesto didn't steal your pumpkin, Bob.

He's bussing a table.

Oh, he did it.

I don't know how he did it, but he did it.

I'm watching you, Jimmy!

I'm watching you!

Oh, yeah?

Watch this.

(farts)

Zoom! Ha!

No, Jimmy, no, not zoom!

I do... don't go inside!

(muffled): I cannot hear you!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, my God!

(wind whistling softly)

Huh.

Why is my window open?

(gasps)

(chuckles nervously)

That was weird.

Jackie (whispering): The girl who cast spells now is cursed!

(screams)

(cackling)

(screaming)

You know what?

I'm gonna cross down there.

Does it have to do with the woman who cursed you waving you into the street?

Is it just so you can get your steps in today?

Yeah... I'll catch up with you guys later.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

(screams) BIKER: Bike lane, ma'am!

Sorry! Cursed!

And I'm only 13; please don't call me "ma'am."

Mr. Ambrose?

Yes, Goth Brooks?

I think I got cursed...

Yawn.

...by Jackie the crossing guard.

Did you say "Jackie the crossing guard"?

Yeah. ‭Oh, if that's true, you're in trouble.

Jackie's a witch.

A mean witch.

God! How many witches are there at this school?!

I told you, witches are everywhere!

I thought you were just being dramatic!

I was! But it's also true!

Then it's not just being dramatic!

I did both!

Jackie and I used to be in the same coven.

She's a powerful witch.

But she always wanted to go dark.

Revenge spells this.

Curse your enemies that.

And she never chipped in for pizza.

Whoa.

Tell me exactly what she said.

First, she took my barrette.

Oh, God.

What?

Oh, forget it. Keep going.

Um... And then she said, "In 24 hours, your fate will be worse, 'cause the girl who cast spells now is cursed."

Okay. So yeah. You're cursed.

Oh, no!

(both scream)

Hey, do you think there's any way I could get you to leave the library? ‭What?

I don't want to die in some freak accident just because I'm next to you.

So get out!

Out!

‭(screams)

Best of luck!

I know. I know what you're doing.

Oh, yeah? Well, I know what you're doing.

You're stinking up my sidewalk.

(laughs) ‭Ha! 'Cause he stinks.

Yeah, that's right, Trev.

No. I know about the pumpkins, Jimmy.

You've been sneaking over on your kitty cat paws in the dark to my place.

Eh... okay.

Wow. Finally snapped, huh, Bob?

Pumpkinhead's lost his gourd.

(laughs)

Whoa. Mental illness.

No joke.

No, don't say "mental illness."

Come on, you're ruining it.

Just...

Not a joke.

Listen, just go inside, would ya?

It's a disease.

(stammers)

Would you go inside?

I'm talking to Bob.

Jimmy, you steal this one, I'm gonna call the police.

And they will come, immediately, because this is serious.

Zoom.

Hey, hey. Don't say "zoom." That's mine.

Zoom, Jimmy.

Hey...

Zoom, Jimmy!

On your right, ma'am.

Ooh! Sorry.

I'm not a ma'am.

Close enough!

(indistinct chatter)

Tammy: Tina, you have to admit that I look better as a hot mess than you would have... if it had been your idea.

Tammy, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna win the contest... that much I know.

I just hope I don't die first.

What? ‭What are you talking about?

I don't speak bread.

‭Yeah.

Tina, we came back to say break a leg.

But not really. I know you're worried about that.

What if the curse happens now, during the contest?

Tina, nothing's gonna happen.

Just wiggle your nose or something and un-curse yourself.

(both screaming)

Do you have a lint roller?

No! God! Wait, yes, I do.

Can I borrow it? ‭Yep, yep.

Here you go.

Welcome to the Wagstaff Costume Contest!

Let's kick off this monster mash.

(laughing)

First, we have Rudy Stieblitz as Marcel Marceau!

(applause)

And next we have Peter Pescadero as the Mona Lisa.

Isn't she mysterious... sort of?

(applause continues)

And next is Tina Belcher as a sand-witch.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

(gasps)

Here I go, from bread to dead.

(nervous laughing)

Ha, ha, ha.

(harsh whisper): Tina! Let's keep it moving!

Ha, ha, ha.

Louise: Psst. Tina.

What's going on up there?

You're going a weird way with the sand-witch character.

No one gets it.

I think the curse is gonna happen now, while I'm on stage.

(groans) What if I fall?

Um, well, Gene and I can stay down here and walk next to you.

We'll catch you.

And then we'll pass you around like you were intentionally crowd-surfing.

(groans) ‭Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.

‭Excuse me. Pardon me.

(harsh whisper): Tina, what is going on?

I know this isn't normally how you walk down a catwalk.

I'm walking slowly because something terrible is gonna happen to me right now.

I accidentally pissed off the wrong witch, and now I'm cursed.

Wait. Were we supposed to prepare a speech?

I don't know.

Maybe I got a little carried away.

Maybe I-I shouldn't have cast so many spells.

On you. And you. And you.

Lot of love spells. Sorry.

Ugh! What?

What are you talking about?

I also cast a spell to win this contest, and I know I shouldn't have done that.

But now that I think about it, I'm not sure my spells worked in the first place.

I mean, I don't even know if this stuff is real.

I think it was more just something that made me feel more confident.

Jimmy Jr., maybe you just responded to my bold attitude and choker necklace.

Eh, I don't know.

I liked it!

And come to think of it, Gene always has fish sticks in his locker.

Oh, yeah, I do.

And maybe Ms. Labonz getting jury duty was just a coincidence.

He was guilty.

We were done before lunch.

I went to the mall for the rest of the day.

Okay. (chuckles) We're just gonna keep moving along.

And next we have Tammy Larson dressed as a hot mess.

‭(grunting)

Love it. So original.

(groans) Hot mess. That's how this whole thing started!

I wanted to win the contest so bad.

I'm sorry I got myself into this stupid curse!

I'm sorry I said those things to you, Jackie. I'm sorry!

And I'm sorry I ever listened to you about witchcraft, Mr. Ambrose!

I have no idea what she's talking about.

(harsh whisper): Stop it! Shh!

Jackie, if you're gonna do something to me, just do it already!

I'm done being a witch, and I'm done with this curse!

(groans)

I'm just gonna try and be more confident and less mean to crossing guards.

I know that's a really cliché thing to say, but I mean it.

Move it, loaf!

(grunts)

Whoa!

I got her! I got her!

I got her! I got her!

Oh, no! Aah!

(screams)

(audience gasps)

Tina: I'm okay!

Tammy broke my fall.

Tammy: Oh, my God, I can't feel my legs!

Tina: Those are my legs.

Tammy: Ew! Gross!

Get your legs off me!

Congratulations, Rudy.

Sorry you fell, Tina.

Not our fault. We were nailing it, for the record.

Do we have to keep spotting you for the rest of your life?

I don't know. I guess maybe?

Uh-oh. Here comes Jackie.

Louise, hands up.

Here we go.

‭Uh...

I accept your apology.

Here's your barrette.

Consider yourself un-cursed.

Okay, phew. You have to admit, we got a little crazy.

I mean, you more than me, but...

Re-cursed!

What?!

Kidding! Oh. Good. ‭Whew!

You got me.

I mean, don't get me.

I mean, we're cool, right?

(nervous laugh)

(cackles)

Uh, sorry, that's just my laugh.

Yeah, we're cool.

Bob, you can't just stare at Jimmy Pesto all day.

He's gonna try for it, Lin.

I know he's coming for this one.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Fischoeder!

What are you doing?

Hello, Bob.

I'm taking this jack-o'-lantern home to put with the others.

Wait. You're the one who's been stealing my jack-o'-lanterns?

Stealing? No. I thought we had an understanding.

You carve them and leave them out, and then I take them.

It's-it's like how people keep giving me bikes.

That's insane.

Well, you're the one who keeps doing it.

How many have you made, four, five?

Well, what are you doing with them?

What aren't I doing with them?

Come to my house tonight and I'll show you.

Um...

Welcome to Jack-O-Land!

Your Halloween just got a little Halloween-er.

Wow! Oh, it's so pretty.

And spooky.

See how much less pathetic they look over here than they did on your sidewalk?

Oh, it's like night and day.

Linda.

What? They're happy here. Look at them.

We could never give them all this.

Children, you want a picture with your father's burg-o'-lanterns?

Sure. Yes! ‭Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's, uh, five dollars.

Father, pay the man.

I'm not paying for a picture of you with my jack-o'-lanterns.

Come on, Bob.

It's Halloween.

(sighs) Fine.

(kids cheering)

Where do you want these bikes, Mr. Fischoeder?

Around the back, Freddy!

You got it.

Good man. ‭Teddy.

It's Teddy. His name's Teddy.

(rock intro playing)

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Pumpkin snatchy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Cursed by Jackie ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Eating candy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Jack-O-Landy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy, witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy ♪
♪ Witchy-witchy witch. ♪