09x09 - UFO No You Didn't

(Tina gulping)

Tina, slow down. What's the rush?

Yeah. Savor your cereal, you monster.

I can't look away.

It's like watching a crazed otter.

I just wanna get to school.

Ms. Jacobson is pairing us up

with our Science Fair partners today.

It's fun not knowing who it'll be.

Ooh, exciting.

Will it be a new friend? An old friend?

What if it's Jimmy Junior?

We won't get a lot of work done, if you know what I mean.

Eh? Right?

Mm. I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you got paired

with someone who could get an "A."

It's not up to me who I get paired with.

I mean, life is full of possibilities.

Maybe I'll get a good grade in science...

Or maybe you'll go to summer school.

Exactly. She gets it.

Plus, grades ain't nothin' but a number.

All right, one more bite and... I'm done.

It's time for a great day.

(grunts) I'm okay.

JACOBSON: Who's ready to find out

who their Science Fair partner is?

TINA: Hell, yeah. Uh, I mean, sure.

JACOBSON: Jocelyn, you're with...

JOCELYN and TAMMY: Please say Tammy, please say Tammy,

- please say Tammy.
- MISS JACOBSON: Jimmy Junior.

JOCELYN: Oh, cool.

And Tammy, you're with Zeke.

- Tamma-lamma-ding-dong.
- Ugh.

- JACOBSON: Calm down, Zeke.
- (chuckles)

Henry, your partner is...

- Actually, I can't have a partner.
- What?

I'm not supposed to work with other people.

Here's a doctor's note.

It says I'm not supposed to work with other people.


Uh, I'm sorry, are-are you a doctor?

Fine. You're-You're working alone.


- Mmm. That's kinda sad, Henry.
- It's not sad, it's medical.

Okay, let's move on. Tina,

you're partners with Susmita.

Nice. What's up, new friend? High five?

I, uh, can't reach.

(straining): Wait, we can do this.

(grunts) We're touching fingers.

That counts. Boom.

I got an idea for a project.

My grandma said all the bees are dying.

We're gonna run outta honey,

and I am not using agave like some idiot.

I've always wanted to know, like,

why birds can fly and not people.

Yeah, and why do birds always look at me weird?

What about peanut butter?

- What about peanut butter?
- There's no butter in it,

and yet it's called peanut butter. Pretty crazy, right?

Maybe it's just 'cause it spreads like butter?

Hmm. Yeah.

- So should we just do that?
- Well, I've actually always wanted

to build a radio telescope.

Oh. Totally. What is that?

So a radio telescope is like a telescope for your ears.

- Got it. Headphones.
- Nope. Not headphones.

Exactly. Keep going.

See, with a bunch of modifications, you can use

a regular home TV satellite dish to study the radio waves

from astronomical objects.

We could build one and point it at the Sun.

I don't know what you just said, but it sounds like an "A."

And I'm really embarrassed I suggested

that super cool A-minus peanut butter idea.

So how about since you know how to do all that,

why don't I take care of making us

the best damn Science Fair board you've ever seen?

My bubble letters are amazing.

I mean, they're pretty good.

They're-they're fine.

I might not do bubble letters.

BOB: You want some more coffee, Teddy?

Yeah. Uh, what if it was called sneezey instead of cough-ey?

- Get it, Bob? Get it?
- Hmm.

Now I don't wanna give you any more. Ooh, they're here.

You have four more just like that in your truck, right?

And I can't wait to carry them all in here.

- He loves carrying things.
- I'm livin' the dream.

BOB: So you know how I've wanted

a coat-rack for the restaurant?

Well, I was shopping online

and I couldn't decide which one to get.

How many coat-racks can there be?

Lin. So many.

Some have circular mounts,

some have tripod stands, some are aluminum.

Some look like actual trees, those are fun.

Okay. So you bought five of 'em?

Yes. Because I'm a brilliant shopper.

They were on sale, so I bought five.

Now I can see them in person,

pick my favorite, and return the other four.

- Genius.
- Wait.

- Did you say they were on sale?
- Yeah.

And you're sure you can return them?

- Yes.
- But they were on sale.

- Wh-what are you getting at?
- Show me the website.

Trust me. I definitely wouldn't have bought them

if you couldn't return... Oh, no.

No, no, no. I can't return them.

Great. Now we own five coat-racks.

(sighs) Damn it.

Hm. Why-Why are the boxes so small?

You probably have to assemble them. I'm guessing.

- Oh, my God.
- It's for kids.

Did you buy five children's coat-racks?

We can't pay for five coat-racks.

I mean, we did. So what do we do?

I guess you're selling 'em.

(sighs) Do you want to buy a tiny coat-rack, Teddy?

Now I bet you wish you'd laughed at my sneezey joke.

(sighs) I do. I really do.

LOUISE: So, you guys are gonna listen to the Sun?

Just don't listen to anything the Moon says; he's a liar.

Quick S.F.Q... Science Fair question.

Is there anything else we could listen to besides the sun?

Well, I was gonna use my parents' old TV dish,

but if we had a bigger one, we could listen to planets,

or satellites, or even try to listen for extraterrestrials.

Aliens? Well, yeah, Susmita. Let's do that.

- I mean, we could try.
- Wait.

Why are we just gonna sit back and listen for aliens?

Can we send a message out? Can we talk to them?

Well, we don't actually know if anything's out there.

But what if the aliens are out there,

but they're also just sitting back and listening for us?

I mean, if Tom Hanks never sent Meg Ryan that first e-mail,

that movie would have been called You've Got Computer.

'Cause they both would have just been sitting at their computers.

That was the prequel.

I guess if we had a bigger dish,

we could send out a message.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it.

Whatever you do, do not "send out a message."

What? Why... not, Henry?

Because we don't want the Earth to be obliterated?

What are you talking about?

If you contact aliens, they will come and destroy us.

What? How do you know they won't be super friendly?

Based on simple probability, there should be at least

a hundred thousand civilizations in our galaxy, right?

And at least a thousand Type III civilizations.

I think you mean diabetes? But go on.

Type III civilizations.

That means that they're billions

of years more advanced than us.

They can harness the energy of the entire galaxy

and travel between stars.

Stars are just like us.

That's right, Jocelyn.

But we haven't met them. Why? Well,

it's probably because one of these civilizations

is massively predatory and is wiping out the rest of them.

Damn those Type III civilizations.

So our only hope of survival is going unnoticed,

so they don't ever find us.

Therefore, do not send out a signal.

This teacher has a point.

What? I'm-I'm not a teacher.

I'm in your grade.

Mm, no. You're a teacher. Trust me.

But you don't know that aliens

are flying around killing everybody.

- Oh, my God.
- I mean,

what if they're flying around helping everybody?

Like in a big space ambulance,

and when they get our message, they'll be really excited

to come and see if we need anything.

Yeah, they could be super chill.

I don't know, Tina. I'm kind of on Team Henry with this one.

What if you're the one that ends the world?

You don't wanna be that guy.

What if they want to harvest our penises?

And who would blame them?

Susmita, we're not gonna let this guy scare us

out of a good grade, are we?

Uh... I'm not scared if you're not scared.

The only thing I'm scared of

is how much of an "A" we're gonna get.

Hmm. "Meet in Branca's supply closet."

"... at : ."

HENRY: Thank you for coming. Did anyone follow you?

Gene's fart did. Apparently.

Sorry. I thought I lost it in the hallway, but she found me.

We need to talk.

We have to stop Tina and Susmita, and I have a plan.

But it involves you going against your own sister.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We would never do that.

- You will be compensated.
- We'll do it.

I hope you have connections in the frozen yogurt world,

'cause this boy works strictly for gift cards.

- So this is your dad?
- (grunts) I wish.

- He's my dad's friend.
- Best friend.

Are you two, uh, best friends?

We're getting there. I mean,

we're pretty great Science Fair partners.

Where'd you get the dish?

I demo'd an old sports bar last week

and they had this thing out back.

I was gonna use it to watch hockey talk shows,

but now it's gonna talk to aliens.

What a life this dish is having.

Eh. (grunting)

And done. (sighs)

So, ready to go?

Should we e-mail some aliens?

Oh, no. We still have a couple

of things to do before we turn it on.

Hey, how's our Science Fair board?

Uh, I'm kicking some serious butt on it, that's how it is.

I haven't started it yet.

Um, but it's gonna be s-so good.

All right, let's get to work.

So what do we do now?

First, we have to teach them our language.

How do we do that?

Make them watch TV all day like the mermaid in Splash?

I was thinking we send a binary code

as a kind of Rosetta stone pictograph.

Hopefully, it can teach them enough to start a conversation.

Sorry, now I'm just thinking about Splash.

And then, to send our message, we use Morse code.

There's also Turner & Hooch. Anything there?

Maybe we should focus on what we're gonna say in our message?

Good point. How do you say "Tom Hanks" in Morse code?

Doo. Doo-doo-doo.
Doo doo.

Doo-doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo.
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo.

- Doo-doo-doo.
- Nice.

One burger-of-the-day coming right up.

(clears throat) Uh, tell 'em about our special, Bob.

(sighs) Right, uh, we're also having a special today.

With the purchase of any burger, we'll throw in, uh,

a... coat-rack for just $ .

I'm sorry? A-A what?

A-A-A coat-rack.

- Uh, just show him.
- Oh. All right.

- Uh, d-do you like this one?
- (chuckles) What is that?

Is-Is that a little model of a coat-rack?

No, no, no. This, this is the coat-rack.

Oh. (chuckling) I-I thought it was like

when you go buy a tent and they have a little tiny model

of a tent on display; I-I love those.

Aw. Tiny tents. For little runaway mice.

So how many coat-racks can I put you down for?

I'll tell ya what. If I have a baby

and that baby buys a little coat,

I'll come back in here and get one of your little coat-racks.

Thank you.

Tina and Susmita are still in here.

He's it going out there?

Good. I have to cut the wire going

from their telescope's amplifier to their transmitter.

It'll basically create a private Morse code network

between their telescope and my laptop.

GENE (over walkie-talkie): Just gimme a heads up

when you're outside.

HENRY (on walkie-talkie): I've been outside.

And I've been looking at you this whole time.

Really good job out there, buddy.

They're on the move.

HENRY: I need more time.

- Stall them.
- On it.

Classic hall-stall.

Hey, what's up, T? Hi, Susmita.

How's the Science Fair stuff going?

Good. Um, we're kind of in the middle of it right now.

Oh, ho-ho. So cool.

Tell me all about it.

We programmed a message that'll hopefully teach aliens English.

We're about to go send it off.

- Um, see you later.
- Wait. I'm so proud of you.

- Oh.
- (both grunting)

What are you doing?

Shh. Just ten more seconds.

Get in here, Susmita.

- I'm proud of you, too. (grunts)
- (Tina groans)

Uh, okay. Um, bye, Louise.

Thanks for the long hug that kind of hurt.

The possums are out of the trap.

- Get out of there, Haber.
- (radio static)

- HENRY: Copy.
- Your walkie-talkie is sticky.

HENRY: It's my brother's. He threw up on it.

Yeah, that checks out.

Okay, the Rosetta code is sent.

Now we can follow up with our first message.

Oh, boy.

We just type our message here,

it translates it into Morse code, and then we can send it off.

It'll take about a day

for the message to get out to the edge of our solar system.

And then if somebody is flying by

and gets our message and wants to answer,

it'll take another day before we hear back.

Do you want to write it?

Uh, yeah. Wow.

Man, I don't know what to write.

Lot of pressure. Let's see, uh...

"What's shakin', bacon?

"Oh, you might not know what bacon is.

"It's from adorable animals called pigs.

"They're pink. We kill them,

"take out their bacon, and eat it.

Um, we won't kill you though, uh... "

- Wh-Why don't I type?
- No, no, no, I got it.

- Um, "Greetings from Earth"?
- Yeah.

- And then "xoxo"?
- Sure.

- TINA: And send.
- (beeping)

♪ ♪

I bet we get a message back in three,




Tina, can I ask you something?

- Of course, partner.
- So,

you know how sometimes you talk to boys and stuff?

- Big-time.
- Well,

there's this boy I kind of like, but...

Never mind, never-never mind.

Come on, do like this thing and dish, girl.

Well, the problem is,

he's kind of aloof.

Got it. Dangerous bad boy.

I can work with that. Have you made a move?

No, I don't think he's into me. Or anyone.

Look, I know it's scary to put yourself out there.

- It is.
- But it's like jumping into a pool.

If you don't take the leap, then you're just the girl

in her bathing suit looking at a pool.

- (chime, beeping)
- Whoa, it's the aliens!

Hang on. It's probably just interference.

Wait, that's Morse code.

What does that mean?

We made contact, Tina.

Holy crap! What does the message say?

I don't know. We have to wait for the pattern to start over.

This is incredible.

We made contact.

I'm your alien now, Tina.

All right, we did it. Now pay up.

Yeah! Where's our frozen yogurt gift card?!

I've got your gift card right here.

- (gasps) - Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Not so fast.

You'll get it when the job's done.

But may I recommend no toppings?

That's how they get you.

Yeah, it really weighs down your cup.

I use Rice Krispies.

It adds crunch and it weighs nothing.

Amateur, amateur, amateur!

Speaking of heaping too much on top,

I'm regretting that I let you write the message

from the aliens.

TINA: "Dear, idiots of Earth!

"You should not be transmitting!

"We have a protocol to destroy

"any and all life we discover!

"You're lucky I got this message and not my boss!

"He's a real pain in the glorg!

"Anyway, I have to tell him about this.

"Maybe he won't want to destroy your planet!

"I'll let you know tomorrow! In the meantime,

do not transmit any more signals!"

- Holy crap, Susmita!
- Oh, my God!

Our Science Fair project might have just destroyed Earth!

- (gasping)
- (whimpering)

What are they freaking out about? Oh, yeah.

- (gasping)
- (whimpering)

The aliens might destroy Earth!

I know! This sucks.

What do we do? What do we do?

- Susmita.
- Yeah?

This might be our last day on Earth.

If there's anything we want to do,

I guess we should go do it.

(panting) Move! Out of the way!

- Hey, Tina...
- (sweeping romantic music plays)


- (panting)
- Whoa.

Ugh, why is your face so wet?

- (panting, shouts)
- (shouts)

Dang, Tina! I must be a giant whoopee cushion,

'cause you just knocked a fart out of me!

Aw, screw it.

- Mm, mwah.
- (grunting)

- Holy do-what-in-the-huh?
- (panting)

(bells tinkle)

Hi, kids. How was your day?

(groans) I love you so much, Mom.

I love you, too, sweetie.

Dad, have you told Mom how much you love her today?

Um, I-I think... maybe?

- Tell her, damn it!
- I-I love you, Lin.

- Wait, what's happening?
- Everything's fine.

Life is just so damn beautiful.

- Thank you.
- I freakin' love you, Gene.

- I, uh, love...
- I love you, too, Louise.

Yep, yep, that's good.

Aw, my Teeny Tina's emotional.

What about this coat-rack? Is it beautiful?

No, it's weird. You shouldn't have bought it.

- He bought five.
- (emotional): I know.

That was really dumb, Dad. But I love you.

You're dumb. I mean, I-I love you, too.

So, what did you do after school yesterday?

I did some, um, kissing.

Well, because of your advice,

I, uh, wrote a note to the boy I have a crush on.

Attagirl. Did he write back? What did he say?

I didn't give it to him.

Damn, Susmita. The world's maybe about to end,

and you're sitting on an unsent love note?

Funny advice considering how we got here,

Miss Greetings From Earth Please Come Kill Us.

- (beeping)
- Oh, my God.

This is it. It's going through the translator.

TINA: "Dear Earth idiots!

"I was gonna tell my boss about your message.

"But he was in what I guess you call 'the bathroom.'

"Anyway, he took forever, and then my shift was over.

So, you guys got lucky. I didn't tell him."

- He didn't tell him!
- (gasps)

"But if you ever send another message,

"your planet will be destroyed.

So do not ever send another message!"

Oh, thank God.

Okay. Phew. Um, so should we write back and say thanks?

- Tina, no!
- Right, right, right.

All right, this could work.

Why? Why is this gonna work?

People like sidewalk sales?

Hey, Bob! Hey, uh, what-what are you doing?

Something stupid, I'll bet! Zoom!

We're having a sidewalk mini coat-rack super sale.

Coat-racks? Why would anyone need coat-racks?

They're for putting coats on.

People need coat-racks, Jimmy!

That's dumb! You just hang your coat on the back of your chair.

You're dumb!

Oh, put a fettuccine in your in-betweeny, Jimmy!

Ah, criminy sliminy, I'm going inside.

It seems like we scared them straight.

Give us the damn gift card, Habes.

Thanks to your help, I think we broke your sister's spirits

and put a lid on her reckless sense of optimism for a while.

Here you go.

I feel really good about this.

Yeah, what does it matter what Tina thinks of us?

We're gonna be eating free frozen yogurt!

I feel terrible.


That sneaky alien faker son of a bitch!

And you guys, too! I-I can't believe you helped him! Ugh!

I know! We're sorry!

And that's why we bought you this gift card.

- With our own money.
- Thank you.

- It's a good start.
- Yeah.

Wait, Susmita, you know what this means?

Now we can do our science project.

- Like, really do it.
- What do you mean?

We can fix our satellite and resend our message

- to actual aliens.
- I don't know, Tina.

What? What do you mean you don't know?

I mean, I'm mad at Henry,

and he shouldn't have messed with our project.

But maybe he's right. It's too risky

- to send out a message.
- Of course you'd say that.

You couldn't even give a love note to a boy

when you thought it was your last day on Earth.

Ugh! I never should have told you that.

Have you even started working on our Science Fair board yet?

- Don't change the subject.
- The Science Fair is today!

That's literally the subject!

Look, I need to go type up our conclusion.

We don't have a conclusion.

Our conclusion is that there is no logical reason

to attempt to make contact with extraterrestrials.

Damn it, Susmita! You sound just like Henry!

Well, at least we can still get an "A," Tina.

Screw the "A"!

- (gasping)
- Yeah, you know what?

I don't think we should be Science Fair partners anymore.

Well, I'm still turning in the radio telescope project.

What are you turning in?

Uh, how 'bout a little project called

"Peanut Butter: What's Up with That?"

I still have time. Kind of.

We'll help you, T.

Well, good luck with your peanut butter!

Good luck with your...

never taking chances in life!

See you at the Science Fair!

Oh, I-it's in the, uh, auditorium, right?

- Yeah.
- That's what I thought.

TINA: ... up... with... that?

Okay, Hildy in the cafeteria didn't have any peanuts,

but she let us take a few handfuls of almonds.

Not all of mine made it back.

Thanks. I guess almonds will have to do.

Okay, we have two hours until the Science Fair.

It's time to see if you can make peanut butter

- without using any butter.
- Or peanuts.

(sighs) It's starting to rain a little.

I'm shutting down the super sidewalk

mini coat-rack full-price sale.

How many did you sell?

Lin, you know I didn't sell any.

Hey, look at these little coat-racks.

- Aren't these fun?
- This one looks like a little tree.

That's funny. Trees are funny.

Um, do-do you want to buy it?

- Why would I buy it?
- (laughing)

I'm just gonna put my coat on it, right?

Aw, people are using 'em.

Because people need coat-racks.

This is what I've been saying!

Hey, wait, those people with coats

are going into Jimmy Pesto's.

Hey! He doesn't have coat-racks!

Pesto's doesn't have coat-racks!

He-he wants you to put your wet coats on the back of your chair!

What? What? No, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! That's not true!

- Yes, it is! Come over here to Bob's Burgers!
- It's no... No!

- We have coat-racks!
- No! No!

- No! (groaning)
- Yes! Yes!

We win! Sort of.

Oh, Bobby! Mwah, mwah!

Now lift me up like in The Notebook!


(strained): I can't.

SUSMITA: And that's why we shouldn't attempt to make contact

with extraterrestrials.

That's exactly right.


Oh. Hi, Tina.

Uh, so I guess you and Susmita aren't partners anymore?

We, uh, had some scientific disagreements.

- Well, you're up.
- (exhales) So,

I started with some almonds.

Your board says "peanuts."

Which are harder to find than you may think.

Um, so, after crushing these almonds,

they were transformed into a powder.

- (quietly): She's nailing this.
- Really strong start.

Um, and, honestly, I wish I was still doing my other project,

but we came to two different conclusions.

She thought it was logical to never reach out to aliens,

but I think it's only logical

that we need to reach out to them.

- Wrong.
- Shh!

And why is that, Tina?

Well, if we never reach out...

Uh, j-just look at all
these other projects!

I mean, first off, amazing boards.

Great job, everybody. Seems like a lot of parents got involved,

but no judgment. But look at... look at Zeke

and Tammy's board. The bees are dying.

Preach, girl!

Sea levels are rising.

She's talking about our board.

No, Jocelyn.

- We did the life of the sun.
- Oh.

Right. But what happens when the sun burns out?

Spray tan, I guess?

A-And, uh, look at this one. Overpopulation.

We're burning through natural resources like crazy.

Wow, the Science Fair is a real downer this year.

So, yeah, if-if we make contact with aliens, they might kill us.

But what if we reach out and the aliens help us?

They could act in alien movies. That'd be cool.

The thing you're afraid of could be our only chance at survival.

In conclusion, if we open ourselves up,

yes, we might get hurt.

But if we don't open ourselves up,

we die alone.

Oh, my God.

Did she just change my mind?

Good job, partner.

Now, I've got to go make contact

with a boy I have a crush on.

- The one you wrote that note to?
- Yeah.

Get it, girl.

- Henry?
- Uh, yes, Susmita?

I've got a message for you.

Doo-doo. Doo. Doo-doo.
Doo. Doo-doo-doo. Doo. Doo.

Oh, wow. Okay.

I mean, %.

Doo. Doo-doo-doo.
Doo. Doo. Doo-doo...

I ho... I hope the aliens destroy Earth right now.

It was Henry? You got to be beeping kidding me.

Hey, Tina! I can't wait till the next last day on Earth!

I'm excited for that apocalypse!

You know what I'm sayin'. The apoca-lips.

Zeke, what-what are you talking about?

What? Uh, nothing. Uh, come on.

Come on, I'm gonna get ya.
(grunts) Come on, come on.

Ow, Zeke. Ow.

- Come on, come on.
- Aah, Zeke!

♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doo means I love you ♪

No. No, it doesn't.

♪ Doot doo-doo-doot doo-doo-doot means I care ♪

That actually means "egg."

♪ Doo-doot doo-doot-doot doo-doo ♪

- Means, um, "oranges"?
- That means "cat."

♪ Doo-doot doo-doo-doot doo-doo means I'll always be there ♪

That's just "cat" again.

♪ Doo-doot-doot doot-doot doo ♪

♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doot-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doot doo doo ♪

♪ ♪

BOTH: ♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doo-doo ♪

TINA: ♪ Means I love you... ♪